(Just a really quick chapter here. I had some of these passages written but I didn't know whether to put them at the beginning or the end so I thought "Why not put them in a chapter of their own?" Hope you like.)
Part 5
(Several repetitive weeks later)
*6.30*
"Would you just SHUT UP!" Carter threw the covers up over his head and shouted into his pillow at the alarm clock. If he ever got himself out of this he was going to destroy any alarm clock that got in his way! He threw the covers back reluctantly and carried on with his routine. After what seemed like years of reliving this day he could do it in his sleep, and as he got himself ready he kept a running commentary of his actions.
"Stand up…Stretch...Six steps to the bathroom…Pick up toothbrush…Four brushes back and forth…Turn on freezing shower…" etc.
He trudged wearily down the 39 steps to the kitchen and poured himself a strong cup of coffee, hoping that it would make the voices in his head stop. It was only after a few minutes that he realised the voice in his head was actually his mother speaking; he'd just gotten so used to ignoring her that he forgot she was there! He pulled himself up out of his seat, mechanically went over to his mother and kissed her good-bye, wishing her a good trip, and headed out the door to go to the seminar.
He didn't know why he still kept going every day, (it wasn't like anything new was ever said after all), but he thought it might have something to do with the interaction. Carter had never realised it before but he actually needed human contact, even if it was with people who were so mind numbingly dull that it made him want to grab the nearest baseball bat and club them over the head!
Carter entered the lecture room a few minutes late to find everybody already seated and waiting. He looked over at Luka who was still reading the same paper that Carter could now recite word for word, at Abby who was investigating the hall, and at Susan who was glaring at him, obviously still upset over the fact he hadn't called her to say he was going to be late. He glared right back. He knew Susan was great, *really* great, but he was sick of pretending he was still in love with her every day.
Things were worse the morning after they slept together. At first he had been upset to wake up in his own bed to the realisation that nothing had happened and he was again stuck in Saturday, but this very quickly gave way to an enormous sense of relief. This meant he wasn't meant to be with Susan! She wasn't the one! He was free! No longer condemned to spend the rest of his life having mediocre sex with somebody who, frankly, annoyed him!
Once he had realised that he and Susan definitely had no future Carter began to resent the fact that he was tied to her. That every night they broke up but every morning they were back together again. Suddenly all the little things about her that he had found cute when he was a med-student or when they first got together were now grating on him. The way she chewed her food, the way she was constantly touching him in front of Abby as if she owned him or something, the way she called him "Carter" instead of "John", and the way in which she carried on with a joke when it was no longer funny or when nobody really cared! Today was a total case in point:
Listen to her, he thought, talking about that bloody dildo again. Doesn't she have anything else to talk about. Every day it's the same thing. 'It was you…no, it was you. Was it? Or was it you?' Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And her voice…when did her voice become so annoying? It's like a chipmunk with a smoking problem. Not even one of the cute chipmunks like Theodore, more like that annoying one that was Alvin's girlfriend…what was her name? Bethany? Brittany? Not that it matters. Think about something else John, maybe there's a section of the medical dictionary you haven't covered yet…She's still talking! At least she's left Abby alone for a change, but what has Gallant ever done to her? What is she saying to him?
He decided to leave his thoughts and tune in again to what Susan was saying to Gallant. He had missed Gallant saying what Weaver had said to him after she caught them with the dominatrix' bag but he was just in time to hear the question that he knew was coming.
"…Is that why you put the dildo in Weaver's locker?"
"OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE SUSAN!" he snapped. "How old are you?! What does it matter?! You want to know who put that stupid dildo in Weaver's locker? It was me! OK? It was me. I know there is no possible reason why it should have been me but there was nobody else who could have done it so I did it. Are you happy now? Can we get back to the seminar?"
"Carter, I wasn't…" she started to speak but Carter interrupted her.
"And another thing, did you honestly think I lost my virginity when I was 11?" After what seemed like months of listening to the same idiotic chatter Carter had finally snapped. He was going to tell everybody what he thought of them and to hell with the consequences…because he knew there probably wouldn't be any! "I mean, come on Susan, who the hell has sex when they are 11 with a 25 year old? Have you heard of a little term called 'Child Abuse'? Because that's what you'd call it if a child came into the ER and told you the same story. But I suppose because it was me that makes it funny. 'Good old Carter, butt of the ER joke machine'! Well I'm sick of it, you hear me? Sick of it! Maybe somebody should say something about that yellow fuzz you've had on your head since you came back to Chicago! Or the fact that you're not as fresh as you used to be! How would you like that? Yeah, not so nice when you're the one being ridiculed is it?"
Everybody just stared at him. Carter was seething and looked like the next person to try to speak to him was going to get yelled at as well. He just gave everybody in the room one last look and then grabbed his coat off the back of his chair and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. He could hear Susan burst into tears and Abby go to comfort her but he didn't care. This may have been the first time they'd heard it but try it for a couple of months and you'd behave exactly the same way!
He stomped off down the street, not really looking where he was going. After walking for what seemed like miles he found himself in front of the ER and realised that he hadn't been inside there for weeks. He found himself overcome with an overwhelming desire to practise medicine again so he stomped into the doctor's lounge, picked his lab coat and stethoscope, then walked to the admit desk to see if there were any cases on the board. Thank God Kerry wasn't here otherwise she'd probably frogmarch him back to the seminar or suspend him, possibly even both.
"Hey Dr C." Randi said as he arrived at the desk, "I didn't think you were on today. Don't you have that pervert class to go to?"
"I do, but I'd rather be here. Let Weaver yell at me on Monday. So anything interesting for me?"
"Yeah, vampire bite in 3," she said handing him the chart.
"Did you say 'vampire'?" He took the chart from her and looked at the history.
"Yep. Says Count Dracula is trying to recruit her for his army of the un-dead. You might wanna hurry 'coz he's apparently coming back for her at Sundown to finish off the job." she deadpanned.
"Ok," he laughed, "thanks Randi." He headed towards Curtain area 3 and walked in to greet the patient.
That day he threw himself into his work; finally, if only for a few short hours, he felt alive again. Just doing something different was enough to lift him up a little bit. He left just before he knew Abby was due to start he shift. He didn't want to answer any awkward questions about why he had snapped and why he had walked out of the seminar.
He got home in the early evening and took a long, warm shower before turning in for the night. Although he had been happy earlier a sense of despair had set in. Okay, so today had been slightly different, but if he did the same thing tomorrow then it would quickly become the same. Same patients, same complaints, same traumas. Nothing would really change and there was nothing he could do about it. He settled down to sleep with this depressing thought in his head
Part 5
(Several repetitive weeks later)
*6.30*
"Would you just SHUT UP!" Carter threw the covers up over his head and shouted into his pillow at the alarm clock. If he ever got himself out of this he was going to destroy any alarm clock that got in his way! He threw the covers back reluctantly and carried on with his routine. After what seemed like years of reliving this day he could do it in his sleep, and as he got himself ready he kept a running commentary of his actions.
"Stand up…Stretch...Six steps to the bathroom…Pick up toothbrush…Four brushes back and forth…Turn on freezing shower…" etc.
He trudged wearily down the 39 steps to the kitchen and poured himself a strong cup of coffee, hoping that it would make the voices in his head stop. It was only after a few minutes that he realised the voice in his head was actually his mother speaking; he'd just gotten so used to ignoring her that he forgot she was there! He pulled himself up out of his seat, mechanically went over to his mother and kissed her good-bye, wishing her a good trip, and headed out the door to go to the seminar.
He didn't know why he still kept going every day, (it wasn't like anything new was ever said after all), but he thought it might have something to do with the interaction. Carter had never realised it before but he actually needed human contact, even if it was with people who were so mind numbingly dull that it made him want to grab the nearest baseball bat and club them over the head!
Carter entered the lecture room a few minutes late to find everybody already seated and waiting. He looked over at Luka who was still reading the same paper that Carter could now recite word for word, at Abby who was investigating the hall, and at Susan who was glaring at him, obviously still upset over the fact he hadn't called her to say he was going to be late. He glared right back. He knew Susan was great, *really* great, but he was sick of pretending he was still in love with her every day.
Things were worse the morning after they slept together. At first he had been upset to wake up in his own bed to the realisation that nothing had happened and he was again stuck in Saturday, but this very quickly gave way to an enormous sense of relief. This meant he wasn't meant to be with Susan! She wasn't the one! He was free! No longer condemned to spend the rest of his life having mediocre sex with somebody who, frankly, annoyed him!
Once he had realised that he and Susan definitely had no future Carter began to resent the fact that he was tied to her. That every night they broke up but every morning they were back together again. Suddenly all the little things about her that he had found cute when he was a med-student or when they first got together were now grating on him. The way she chewed her food, the way she was constantly touching him in front of Abby as if she owned him or something, the way she called him "Carter" instead of "John", and the way in which she carried on with a joke when it was no longer funny or when nobody really cared! Today was a total case in point:
Listen to her, he thought, talking about that bloody dildo again. Doesn't she have anything else to talk about. Every day it's the same thing. 'It was you…no, it was you. Was it? Or was it you?' Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And her voice…when did her voice become so annoying? It's like a chipmunk with a smoking problem. Not even one of the cute chipmunks like Theodore, more like that annoying one that was Alvin's girlfriend…what was her name? Bethany? Brittany? Not that it matters. Think about something else John, maybe there's a section of the medical dictionary you haven't covered yet…She's still talking! At least she's left Abby alone for a change, but what has Gallant ever done to her? What is she saying to him?
He decided to leave his thoughts and tune in again to what Susan was saying to Gallant. He had missed Gallant saying what Weaver had said to him after she caught them with the dominatrix' bag but he was just in time to hear the question that he knew was coming.
"…Is that why you put the dildo in Weaver's locker?"
"OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE SUSAN!" he snapped. "How old are you?! What does it matter?! You want to know who put that stupid dildo in Weaver's locker? It was me! OK? It was me. I know there is no possible reason why it should have been me but there was nobody else who could have done it so I did it. Are you happy now? Can we get back to the seminar?"
"Carter, I wasn't…" she started to speak but Carter interrupted her.
"And another thing, did you honestly think I lost my virginity when I was 11?" After what seemed like months of listening to the same idiotic chatter Carter had finally snapped. He was going to tell everybody what he thought of them and to hell with the consequences…because he knew there probably wouldn't be any! "I mean, come on Susan, who the hell has sex when they are 11 with a 25 year old? Have you heard of a little term called 'Child Abuse'? Because that's what you'd call it if a child came into the ER and told you the same story. But I suppose because it was me that makes it funny. 'Good old Carter, butt of the ER joke machine'! Well I'm sick of it, you hear me? Sick of it! Maybe somebody should say something about that yellow fuzz you've had on your head since you came back to Chicago! Or the fact that you're not as fresh as you used to be! How would you like that? Yeah, not so nice when you're the one being ridiculed is it?"
Everybody just stared at him. Carter was seething and looked like the next person to try to speak to him was going to get yelled at as well. He just gave everybody in the room one last look and then grabbed his coat off the back of his chair and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. He could hear Susan burst into tears and Abby go to comfort her but he didn't care. This may have been the first time they'd heard it but try it for a couple of months and you'd behave exactly the same way!
He stomped off down the street, not really looking where he was going. After walking for what seemed like miles he found himself in front of the ER and realised that he hadn't been inside there for weeks. He found himself overcome with an overwhelming desire to practise medicine again so he stomped into the doctor's lounge, picked his lab coat and stethoscope, then walked to the admit desk to see if there were any cases on the board. Thank God Kerry wasn't here otherwise she'd probably frogmarch him back to the seminar or suspend him, possibly even both.
"Hey Dr C." Randi said as he arrived at the desk, "I didn't think you were on today. Don't you have that pervert class to go to?"
"I do, but I'd rather be here. Let Weaver yell at me on Monday. So anything interesting for me?"
"Yeah, vampire bite in 3," she said handing him the chart.
"Did you say 'vampire'?" He took the chart from her and looked at the history.
"Yep. Says Count Dracula is trying to recruit her for his army of the un-dead. You might wanna hurry 'coz he's apparently coming back for her at Sundown to finish off the job." she deadpanned.
"Ok," he laughed, "thanks Randi." He headed towards Curtain area 3 and walked in to greet the patient.
That day he threw himself into his work; finally, if only for a few short hours, he felt alive again. Just doing something different was enough to lift him up a little bit. He left just before he knew Abby was due to start he shift. He didn't want to answer any awkward questions about why he had snapped and why he had walked out of the seminar.
He got home in the early evening and took a long, warm shower before turning in for the night. Although he had been happy earlier a sense of despair had set in. Okay, so today had been slightly different, but if he did the same thing tomorrow then it would quickly become the same. Same patients, same complaints, same traumas. Nothing would really change and there was nothing he could do about it. He settled down to sleep with this depressing thought in his head