(This sees the introduction of the humour I was talking about…I hope! I want to dedicate this chapter to everybody who has emailed me with suggestions for which direction to take this, but especially to my good friend Joycelyn Solo who has pointed out to me from the beginning that you can't have a Groundhog Day fic and not have Punxatawney Phil make a little cameo appearance…I hope this is what you had in mind!)
Part 6
*Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* *Beep…*
*SMASH*
Carter brought his hand down onto the top of the alarm clock with a force, smashing it to pieces. Why should he care? It would just be beeping at him again 'tomorrow' same as it did every day. He sat up wearily in bed and stared straight ahead of him. If only there was some way to end it, he thought…and then it came to him; an idea so perfect he didn't know why he hadn't thought of it earlier. If he was living the whole day over and over again, then maybe the way to stop it would be to stop living. Genius, he thought, but how to do it? Well, he thought, if you're going to go, why not go out with a bang?!
He rose from the bed with a renewed spring in his step, surprisingly chipper for somebody who had decided to commit suicide. He went into the shower and stepped into the stream of water.
"HOLY F***!!!!" he shouted as the cold water hit him. "Every single time!" he muttered as he jumped out of the shower and started to dry himself off. He got dressed quickly and skipped down the steps, whistling a little tune as he went. He went into the kitchen and headed straight for the coffee pot, not even bothering to look towards the counter where he knew his mother was sitting.
"Good Morning, mother" he sang. "Not in Boston today? Of course not, your flight lives in an hour, how silly of me. Oh well, must dash. Things to do." He swigged down his coffee, banged down the cup on the side, and then left the kitchen quickly. As he left and headed out the front door he shouted over his shoulder at his mother.
"I'm taking Alger, Mom, you'll have to find some other way of getting to the airport…not that it will make any difference 'coz you're just going to be going again tomorrow!" he added under his breath.
"Where to, Master John?" Alger asked as Carter sat down in the back of the car.
"Place called Punxatawney, Alger. Fast as you can!"
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The door to the seminar room was kicked open with such force that it slammed back against the wall. Everybody jumped in surprise and turned towards the noise to see what had caused the commotion…Carter stood there, grinning like an idiot and holding some sort of hairy bundle with whiskers.
"Dr Carter I presume," the seminar leader said in his boring monotonous voice. "You're nearly 6 hours late. I'm going to have to put that in your assessment."
"And you were over 3 hours late so maybe I'll put that down in yours!" Carter replied cheerily, walking right past him so that he was standing in front of Abby, Luka, Susan and Gallant, who were all wondering how he knew the seminar had started late if he hadn't been there.
"Where were you, John?" Abby asked, concern evident in her voice.
"Yeah. And what the hell are you holding there?" Susan asked, obviously less concerned about the almost-disappearance of her 'boyfriend'.
"It looks a little like a Groundhog," Gallant offered helpfully, "Also known as a woodchuck. Latin name 'Marmota monax'. They spend most of the winter in hibernation and some people believe that they have the ability to predict the changes in the Seasons."
Susan gave him a look that said, "You need to get a life" and then turned to look at Carter: "What the hell are you doing with a Groundhog Carter?!" she said.
Carter was jumping up and down with excitement. In his present state of near-hysterical madness he found it hilarious to see the look of utter confusion on the faces of his friends. After weeks and weeks of living the same day over and over again Carter had finally lost his grip on sanity. Oh well, it had been nice while it lasted! Now he was going to enjoy his descent! He decided to make the introductions.
"Everybody, this is Phil. Phil, this is everybody. Say 'hi' Phil!" He held out the groundhog in front of his face and took hold of it's front paw, waving it up and down to make it look like it was Phil waving at the bemused group in front of him. "'Hi Phil'!" he said in a silly affected little voice, pretending to be the voice of Phil! He brought Phil back down again and began to laugh insanely at his own joke.
The others in the room looked at him as if he had grown another head.
"Carter, are you OK?" Susan asked, getting up from her seat and slowly walking towards Carter.
"Me? I'm fine. Never been better." He was still giggling and held out Phil towards her. "You should ask how Phil is, though. He feels left out when people assume he can't understand them and don't talk to him!"
"OK…how are you Phil?" Susan put on her best 'I'm-dealing-with-a-total-lunatic-please-call-psych' voice and continued to walk towards Carter and Phil, holding out her hand as if for an introduction. "Maybe we can all sit down and get to know each other better?"
"HA!" Carter gave a short hard laugh. "He's a Groundhog, stupid, he can't talk to you! DUH!! Honestly, Susan, I thought you were supposed to be an intelligent Doctor." He rolled his eyes and spoke in an exasperated voice, like a child trying to explain the rules of a computer game to an adult. "Anyway, Phil can't talk in any case because we're going for a little drive, aren't we Phil?" he asked the groundhog.
"Yes we are John," he answered himself in the silly groundhog voice.
"So I guess we should be on our way. Say 'bye to everybody Phil."
"Good-bye everybody!" the 'groundhog' answered as Carter helped him wave again.
"Well, I guess that's us done then. It was lovely knowing you all, and I hopefully won't be seeing you tomorrow! Good-bye." He turned and walked out of the lecture room, carrying Phil with him.
"Carter! Wait! Where are you going? What do you mean go for a drive? What are you doing? Carter! Talk to me!"
Carter could hear the voices of his concerned colleagues calling after him but he just ignored them, carrying on a conversation with Phil as he walked down the stairs and out of the building to the bright red pick-up truck he had left waiting outside. OK, so Phil was a groundhog, but Carter actually thought they were having quite an intelligent conversation. In fact after the past few weeks any conversation that didn't contain the word 'dildo' or 'virginity' was ok by him!
"So Phil, do you want to drive or shall I?…You? Well, don't let me stop you!" Carter stationed himself in the driver's seat so that he could operate the pedals, and with Phil in charge they pulled away from the kerb with a screech, sending everybody in the vicinity running!
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(Inside the Seminar Room)
Susan, Luka and Gallant were looking out of the window at the red pick-up truck that was swerving over the road. Gallant had a pair of binoculars with him in his bag and was busy training them on the truck.
"What the hell is he doing?" Susan asked to nobody in particular.
"We should have stopped him. Somebody should have gone after him!" Abby was nearly hysterical, and was pacing up and down the room trying to calm herself down.
"What could we do? He was fine yesterday, maybe in a bit of a bad mood, but we didn't know he was going to do something like this," Luka reasoned, walking over to her and putting his arm around her shoulders.
"Luka's right," Susan said, also turning away from the window. "Carter isn't stupid, he wouldn't do anything to intentionally endanger himself. He's probably just lost control of the car or something. You'll see, he's one of the most careful drivers I know."
Gallant had remained at his observation post by the window, like a good little soldier, and at this point his voice piped up and joined the conversation.
"Dr Lewis…I can't be sure, but I think that the groundhog is driving…"
"WHAT!!!?" Everybody ran to the window and Gallant handed them over the binoculars…
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(Inside the Pick-Up Truck)
Phil was looking decidedly unimpressed, his little paws on the steering wheel trying to control the truck as Carter sang along loudly to the chorus of a tape he had found in the glove compartment.
"DON'T TELL MY HEART, MY ACHY-BREAKY HEART, I JUST DON'T THINK HE'D UNDERSTAND…Come on Phil, you're not singing!…AND IF YOU TELL MY HEART, MY ACHY-BREAKY HEART, HE MIGHT JUMP UP AND KILL THIS MAN! WOOO!"
The music carried on playing in the background as Carter decided to carry on his conversation with Phil.
"OK, so I can see you're not a fan of Billy Ray Cyrus. Can't say I blame you. He's a bit of an acquired taste, but with a song like that you just have to sing along, don't you?…Oh, so you're not talking to me now! Look, I'm sorry but this is the only tape that was in the truck and I can't help it if the owners were country music fans. You ever think it might be your fault? I mean if you'd been 'Cleveland Phil' or 'New Jersey Phil' then maybe I would have stolen this truck from people with better taste in music. It's not my fault that you chose Punxatawney, a living breathing "It's a Small World After All". …Are we friends again?…Good, I'm glad we got that sorted out. So where to now?"
They were still swerving all over the road but by now they had attracted quite a following. Carter looked in the wing mirror and saw that there were several police cars following him, flashing their lights in an attempt to get him to pull over. He smiled…his plan was working, and it was only made more perfect when he saw the cop in the front car pull out the mouthpiece to speak through the loudspeaker.
"Dr Carter. We know it's you in there. Stop the car immediately. We have you on charges of reckless driving, grand theft auto and kidnapping a groundhog. Don't add resisting arrest. Pull over."
Carter eased off the accelerator and helped Phil bring the truck to a stop just alongside the pier. Carter switched off the engine and watched as the police cars screeched to a halt and formed a ring behind him, effectively cutting off any escape route…or so they thought! As they opened their doors and aimed their firearms at the pick-up truck Carter turned to Phil and grinned.
"So what do you think Phil? Should we 'Thelma and Louise' it?"
Phil just turned his little groundhog head and scrunched up his nose, which Carter took as acknowledgement.
"Man after my own heart! Okay then," he turned the key in the ignition and revved the engine, placing his hands on top of Phil's paws on the steering wheel, "let's go for it!"
With that he pressed his foot on the accelerator down to the floor, sending the truck speeding off the end of the pier and straight into the water! As every body watched in horror at the quick descent of the truck underneath the water, Carter was laughing maniacally. At last! It was finally going to be over! He had ended it! It was such a relief to him…Phil just scrunched up his nose and looked bored. *Oh well* he thought *at least they aren't going to wake me up next year to ask me if it's going to be winter for another six weeks. Maybe this will make them spring for a newspaper so they can look at the forecast like everybody else!*
With that the truck dipped under the surface of the water, and Phil and Carter were no more. Until…
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(Well, so much for the first suicide attempt. Any suggestions for the next way you'd like to see him go? This is the perfect opportunity for all you Carby haters to sharpen your claws and tell Carter to take a running jump…although I've already written that part! See you soon with another instalment.)
Part 6
*Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* *Beep Beep* *Beep…*
*SMASH*
Carter brought his hand down onto the top of the alarm clock with a force, smashing it to pieces. Why should he care? It would just be beeping at him again 'tomorrow' same as it did every day. He sat up wearily in bed and stared straight ahead of him. If only there was some way to end it, he thought…and then it came to him; an idea so perfect he didn't know why he hadn't thought of it earlier. If he was living the whole day over and over again, then maybe the way to stop it would be to stop living. Genius, he thought, but how to do it? Well, he thought, if you're going to go, why not go out with a bang?!
He rose from the bed with a renewed spring in his step, surprisingly chipper for somebody who had decided to commit suicide. He went into the shower and stepped into the stream of water.
"HOLY F***!!!!" he shouted as the cold water hit him. "Every single time!" he muttered as he jumped out of the shower and started to dry himself off. He got dressed quickly and skipped down the steps, whistling a little tune as he went. He went into the kitchen and headed straight for the coffee pot, not even bothering to look towards the counter where he knew his mother was sitting.
"Good Morning, mother" he sang. "Not in Boston today? Of course not, your flight lives in an hour, how silly of me. Oh well, must dash. Things to do." He swigged down his coffee, banged down the cup on the side, and then left the kitchen quickly. As he left and headed out the front door he shouted over his shoulder at his mother.
"I'm taking Alger, Mom, you'll have to find some other way of getting to the airport…not that it will make any difference 'coz you're just going to be going again tomorrow!" he added under his breath.
"Where to, Master John?" Alger asked as Carter sat down in the back of the car.
"Place called Punxatawney, Alger. Fast as you can!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The door to the seminar room was kicked open with such force that it slammed back against the wall. Everybody jumped in surprise and turned towards the noise to see what had caused the commotion…Carter stood there, grinning like an idiot and holding some sort of hairy bundle with whiskers.
"Dr Carter I presume," the seminar leader said in his boring monotonous voice. "You're nearly 6 hours late. I'm going to have to put that in your assessment."
"And you were over 3 hours late so maybe I'll put that down in yours!" Carter replied cheerily, walking right past him so that he was standing in front of Abby, Luka, Susan and Gallant, who were all wondering how he knew the seminar had started late if he hadn't been there.
"Where were you, John?" Abby asked, concern evident in her voice.
"Yeah. And what the hell are you holding there?" Susan asked, obviously less concerned about the almost-disappearance of her 'boyfriend'.
"It looks a little like a Groundhog," Gallant offered helpfully, "Also known as a woodchuck. Latin name 'Marmota monax'. They spend most of the winter in hibernation and some people believe that they have the ability to predict the changes in the Seasons."
Susan gave him a look that said, "You need to get a life" and then turned to look at Carter: "What the hell are you doing with a Groundhog Carter?!" she said.
Carter was jumping up and down with excitement. In his present state of near-hysterical madness he found it hilarious to see the look of utter confusion on the faces of his friends. After weeks and weeks of living the same day over and over again Carter had finally lost his grip on sanity. Oh well, it had been nice while it lasted! Now he was going to enjoy his descent! He decided to make the introductions.
"Everybody, this is Phil. Phil, this is everybody. Say 'hi' Phil!" He held out the groundhog in front of his face and took hold of it's front paw, waving it up and down to make it look like it was Phil waving at the bemused group in front of him. "'Hi Phil'!" he said in a silly affected little voice, pretending to be the voice of Phil! He brought Phil back down again and began to laugh insanely at his own joke.
The others in the room looked at him as if he had grown another head.
"Carter, are you OK?" Susan asked, getting up from her seat and slowly walking towards Carter.
"Me? I'm fine. Never been better." He was still giggling and held out Phil towards her. "You should ask how Phil is, though. He feels left out when people assume he can't understand them and don't talk to him!"
"OK…how are you Phil?" Susan put on her best 'I'm-dealing-with-a-total-lunatic-please-call-psych' voice and continued to walk towards Carter and Phil, holding out her hand as if for an introduction. "Maybe we can all sit down and get to know each other better?"
"HA!" Carter gave a short hard laugh. "He's a Groundhog, stupid, he can't talk to you! DUH!! Honestly, Susan, I thought you were supposed to be an intelligent Doctor." He rolled his eyes and spoke in an exasperated voice, like a child trying to explain the rules of a computer game to an adult. "Anyway, Phil can't talk in any case because we're going for a little drive, aren't we Phil?" he asked the groundhog.
"Yes we are John," he answered himself in the silly groundhog voice.
"So I guess we should be on our way. Say 'bye to everybody Phil."
"Good-bye everybody!" the 'groundhog' answered as Carter helped him wave again.
"Well, I guess that's us done then. It was lovely knowing you all, and I hopefully won't be seeing you tomorrow! Good-bye." He turned and walked out of the lecture room, carrying Phil with him.
"Carter! Wait! Where are you going? What do you mean go for a drive? What are you doing? Carter! Talk to me!"
Carter could hear the voices of his concerned colleagues calling after him but he just ignored them, carrying on a conversation with Phil as he walked down the stairs and out of the building to the bright red pick-up truck he had left waiting outside. OK, so Phil was a groundhog, but Carter actually thought they were having quite an intelligent conversation. In fact after the past few weeks any conversation that didn't contain the word 'dildo' or 'virginity' was ok by him!
"So Phil, do you want to drive or shall I?…You? Well, don't let me stop you!" Carter stationed himself in the driver's seat so that he could operate the pedals, and with Phil in charge they pulled away from the kerb with a screech, sending everybody in the vicinity running!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Inside the Seminar Room)
Susan, Luka and Gallant were looking out of the window at the red pick-up truck that was swerving over the road. Gallant had a pair of binoculars with him in his bag and was busy training them on the truck.
"What the hell is he doing?" Susan asked to nobody in particular.
"We should have stopped him. Somebody should have gone after him!" Abby was nearly hysterical, and was pacing up and down the room trying to calm herself down.
"What could we do? He was fine yesterday, maybe in a bit of a bad mood, but we didn't know he was going to do something like this," Luka reasoned, walking over to her and putting his arm around her shoulders.
"Luka's right," Susan said, also turning away from the window. "Carter isn't stupid, he wouldn't do anything to intentionally endanger himself. He's probably just lost control of the car or something. You'll see, he's one of the most careful drivers I know."
Gallant had remained at his observation post by the window, like a good little soldier, and at this point his voice piped up and joined the conversation.
"Dr Lewis…I can't be sure, but I think that the groundhog is driving…"
"WHAT!!!?" Everybody ran to the window and Gallant handed them over the binoculars…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Inside the Pick-Up Truck)
Phil was looking decidedly unimpressed, his little paws on the steering wheel trying to control the truck as Carter sang along loudly to the chorus of a tape he had found in the glove compartment.
"DON'T TELL MY HEART, MY ACHY-BREAKY HEART, I JUST DON'T THINK HE'D UNDERSTAND…Come on Phil, you're not singing!…AND IF YOU TELL MY HEART, MY ACHY-BREAKY HEART, HE MIGHT JUMP UP AND KILL THIS MAN! WOOO!"
The music carried on playing in the background as Carter decided to carry on his conversation with Phil.
"OK, so I can see you're not a fan of Billy Ray Cyrus. Can't say I blame you. He's a bit of an acquired taste, but with a song like that you just have to sing along, don't you?…Oh, so you're not talking to me now! Look, I'm sorry but this is the only tape that was in the truck and I can't help it if the owners were country music fans. You ever think it might be your fault? I mean if you'd been 'Cleveland Phil' or 'New Jersey Phil' then maybe I would have stolen this truck from people with better taste in music. It's not my fault that you chose Punxatawney, a living breathing "It's a Small World After All". …Are we friends again?…Good, I'm glad we got that sorted out. So where to now?"
They were still swerving all over the road but by now they had attracted quite a following. Carter looked in the wing mirror and saw that there were several police cars following him, flashing their lights in an attempt to get him to pull over. He smiled…his plan was working, and it was only made more perfect when he saw the cop in the front car pull out the mouthpiece to speak through the loudspeaker.
"Dr Carter. We know it's you in there. Stop the car immediately. We have you on charges of reckless driving, grand theft auto and kidnapping a groundhog. Don't add resisting arrest. Pull over."
Carter eased off the accelerator and helped Phil bring the truck to a stop just alongside the pier. Carter switched off the engine and watched as the police cars screeched to a halt and formed a ring behind him, effectively cutting off any escape route…or so they thought! As they opened their doors and aimed their firearms at the pick-up truck Carter turned to Phil and grinned.
"So what do you think Phil? Should we 'Thelma and Louise' it?"
Phil just turned his little groundhog head and scrunched up his nose, which Carter took as acknowledgement.
"Man after my own heart! Okay then," he turned the key in the ignition and revved the engine, placing his hands on top of Phil's paws on the steering wheel, "let's go for it!"
With that he pressed his foot on the accelerator down to the floor, sending the truck speeding off the end of the pier and straight into the water! As every body watched in horror at the quick descent of the truck underneath the water, Carter was laughing maniacally. At last! It was finally going to be over! He had ended it! It was such a relief to him…Phil just scrunched up his nose and looked bored. *Oh well* he thought *at least they aren't going to wake me up next year to ask me if it's going to be winter for another six weeks. Maybe this will make them spring for a newspaper so they can look at the forecast like everybody else!*
With that the truck dipped under the surface of the water, and Phil and Carter were no more. Until…
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Well, so much for the first suicide attempt. Any suggestions for the next way you'd like to see him go? This is the perfect opportunity for all you Carby haters to sharpen your claws and tell Carter to take a running jump…although I've already written that part! See you soon with another instalment.)