Disclaimer: I am in not way affiliated with Blizzard or Warcraft III. Don't sue me, okay?
Chapter 2: Vodka. Yum.
Warning: Mild FF7 ending spoilers in this one!
Archimonde: *in a meeting in the Twisted Nether with his dreadlord lackeys* Ya know, it's really fun making the movie. I mean, I get to blow up things! Guts! Blood! Gore! I can use Finger of Death without having to wait for it to recharge! *sips his coffee* I hated that recharge…damnit…I could've blown up freakin' Furion if I didn't use it on Anetheron.
Anetheron: Hey! Your wife was the one who wanted to get laid with me…I didn't want to screw that ugly tub of lard!
Archimonde: WHAT?!?! SHE'S CHEATING ON ME, THAT WHORE!
Anetheron: …that wasn't the reason you blew me up? Meep…
Archimonde: Whatever. I want to enjoy my coffee now. Mmmm…
Tichondrius: Can I join you?
Archimonde: No coffee for you!
Tichondrius: No, your movie thing! Pleeeeeeaaaaaassssssseeeeeeee? *teary eyed*
Archimonde: NO.
Tichondrius: *hangs onto Archimonde's leg* Pretty please, with a cherry on top?
Archimonde: Cherries are yummy…but NO.
Tichondrius: *bawls…and doesn't stop*
Anetheron: Shouldn't we do something about him?
Archimonde: Well, I don't think it would be very smart to blow him up, since—
?????: OoOoOoO, look, FIRE! FIREEEEEEEEEE! *there's the distinct scent of burning hair, a yelp, and the sound of a huge wave crashing down*
????: Damn pyro.
?????: I think that I was a bit too much water, Tifa. ;_; Why summon Leviathan when you can use…uh…that pail of water over there?
Tifa: That's a pail of magma. (Why would they keep magma in pails…??)
?????: Oh. I knew that.
??????????: If I did that damn Supernova spell right, the whole solar system would've been blown to bits, damnit! But then, that would eliminate the purpose of having the comet hit the Planet, wouldn't it? Damn.
?????: You're meaaaaaannnnnn, Sephy. ;_;
??????????: Call me Sephy again, Cloud, and…I'll…uh…Supernova this place, too!
Tifa: And kill us all right now Sephy. Smart. Real smart. We don't even know where we are…
Arthas: And now, you stupid damned spirits, this is the living room of Archimonde where he drinks coffee. And takes his much needed Prozac. But don't tell him his drink is laced with Prozac, I did that. And now, spirits, we come to a skimpily clad woman with very large breasts. How she fights in a miniskirt is an enigma to me.
Tifa: …*SLAP*
Arthas: Rawrr! Frisky, are we?!
Tifa: *Bahamut-ZERO's Arthas*
Arthas: You know, that really hurts. Excuse me while I'm revived at the Altar of Darkness, okay?
Tifa: …
Cloud: Strange man make fun of Tifa's boobs!
Sephiroth: I really like bare midriffs mixed in with a really, really large chest. And then with a miniskirt…DAMN! If only you dressed like that when I burned down Nibelheim…mmmm…
Tifa: *bitchslap + Bahamut-ZERO + Kjata + Knights of the Round + Shiva + Ifrit + Leviathan + Titan + Ramuh + Choco/Mog + Odin + Bahamut + Neo-Bahamut + Alexander + Phoenix + Hades + Typhoon + W-Summon*
Sephiroth: *slapped, hit by a beam by space, iced, lightninged, fired, slashed by 13 knights, engulfed in ice, burnt by fire, crushed under a tsunami, picked up and tossed upside down with a chunk of earth coming down on him at the same time, fried by multiple lightning bolts, ran over by a chocobo, stabbed, hit by a beam, hit by a bigger beam, blasted away a few feet, burnt again by a phoenix, inflicted with all status ailments except for death, flipped upside down and burnt, iced, lightninged, and earthquaked, times two* Dude, that really hurt. ;_; You know, it's really supposed to be Omni Slash me to death automatically at the end, but he doesn't know which end is which on the Ultima Sword.
Cloud: I do! *picks up the Ultima Sword on the wrong side, and ends up having a few fingers sliced off* …erm…
Sephiroth: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-- *petrified*
Cloud: So where did those summons go?
Tifa: Yuffie stole all the summons, so I beat her up and took them back…
Cloud: Oh. So was that why, when we were fighting that big weird thing that had lots of weird body parts, Yuffie was knocked out and ceased to wake up?
Tifa: Yeah.
Archimonde: DAMNIT, WHO BLEW UP MY COFFEE ROOM?!? DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD AND SACRED THIS PLACE IS! I MEAN, IT'S COFFEE!
Tifa: It makes your teeth yellow.
Archimonde: Really? Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn!! *checks in the mirror* MY TEETH…THEY'RE…YELLOW! *breaks down crying next to Tichondrius*
Tifa: Aww, calm down there, Mr. Demon Thing… *pats Archimonde on the back*
Archimonde: …THAT'S AWESOME SUPER DUPER ARCHIMONDE TO YOU!!
Tifa: Um…okay…
Archimonde: PREPARE TO DIE!
Sephiroth: Coffee is for wussies! It's all about the VODKA!
Archimonde: Vodka?
Cloud: Didn't you turn to stone just a minute ago, Sephy?
Sephiroth: Don't. Call. Me. Sephy! *trying to refrain from using Supernova and blowing up the whole universe* …ANYWAY…try some vodka. *hands some to Archimonde and his lackeys*
An hour later…
Archimonde: *toast, then drinks a whole bottle of vodka*
Another hour later…
Archimonde: *toast, then drinks a whole bottle of vodka
And another…
Archimonde: *toast, then drinks again*
Yet another…
Archimonde: *toast, then drinks again*
And then…
Archimonde: *passed out on the floor*
Anetheron: That stuff is the shiznea… *__*…*passes out next to Archimonde*
Arthas: I'm back! Hahahah! Why, hello there, honey jugs—er, honey buns! What's your sign, eh? *wink*
Tifa: *Bahamut-ZERO*
Arthas: #$%^! Why do I always have bad luck with girls? I'm SEXY, damnit, SEXY! *dies again* I'll be back…!
An hour later…
Assistant: Where's the director?
New Script Writer: I don't know, but I'm glad he isn't here. I don't know how to write the script. All he told me was to write down how kickass the Burning Legion is, that's all.
Assistant: Yeah, he's like that. You know why the last script writer didn't last? Because he didn't write down how kickass the Burning Legion was, so Archimonde got mad. He's really mad that he didn't win the game.
New Script Writer: O_o;;;;…o…kay…
Assistant: Yeah. Anyway, actors! We're going to do a scene where…uh…we're in a human town, and they're discussing how to attack the orcs! Yeah…
Archimonde: I'm here, fools. *hurls and walks in*
Assistant: Oh, yeah…hi Mr.—
Archimonde: Super Duper Ultra Cool Archimonde, yes I know.
Assistant: …yeah, here's your new script writer.
Script Writer: Hello, sir.
Archimonde: Sir? *cringes* …
Script Writer: Err, I mean, Mr. Super Duper Ultra Cool Demon Thing.
Archimonde: Much better. Hi, lowly fool.
Assistant: Don't worry, you'll get used to it.
Cloud: Where are we now?
Archimonde: ARGH! DAMN THEM! Following me here…
Tichondrius: HIIIIIIIIII, Archimonde! ^_^ These really, really, REALLY nice people here let me follow them! ^_^ They told me that they were catching up with you so they could be in the movie! ^_^ They said I could be in it too! ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
Archimonde: Stop with the smiley thingies! You're making me head explode with HAPPINESS…
Tichondrius: *cries* Archimonde no like me! He no like me! WAHHHHHHHH!!!
Archimonde: You want to be in my movie?
Cloud: Why not? I want to be famous & sexy! I want be like…Pamela Anderson! I want big boobs! I want bigger boobs than Tifa! BOOBS!
Everyone: …o_O;;
Cloud: Is there something wrong with me having big boobs? ;_;
Tifa: Boobs are for girls, Cloud.
Cloud: Oh. I knew that.
Sephiroth: Idiot…
Archimonde: Fine, you guys can be the hookers in the back!
Arthas: *runs in* NEEEEEVEEEEEEERRRR! Tifa shall never be a hooker! Tifa shall be mine, and mine eternally! I love her, oh yes I do! Everyday I look at her picture…and stare in awe at such beauty! Such ethereal beauty!
Tifa: ^%*$^&*$^&%*$!!!!! STOP FUCKING STALKING ME MAN-WHORE! *beats Arthas to death*
Arthas: My love…you are…so beautiful…I am…unworthy!
Tifa: Damn straight!
Arthas: *dies…and goes to be revived again*
Archimonde: Thank you, big-chested woman, for getting rid of that failure. Tichondrius, can you blow up all Altars of Darkness so that guy won't be revived ever again?
Tichondrius: *still crying*
Archimonde: …since when did I make this guy a Divine anyway? He's USELESS! Anyway, you 3! You'll still be hookers in the back!
Cloud, Tifa, and Sephiroth: *grumble and go off into the back*
Archimonde: Action!
Dwarf: Aye! That's one damned good attack plain, Mr. Knight Sir!
Mr. Knight Sir: Damn right it is! You see, all we do is…sneak behind the orc base! Hahaha! I'm so smart!
Rifleman: That's really predictable, you know. They're guarded from all sides. You see the map? *points* Tower there, tower here, tower everywhere.
Mr. Knight Sir: Oh. Damn. I'm still smart though.
Cloud in Drag: Why, hello there, cutie! ^_- *eyeing the Rifleman* How about getting laid?
Rifleman: SURE!
Cloud in Drag: *someone opens the door, a huge gust of wind blows in, and his dress flies up, revealing tighty whities and what lies beneath* *pushes the dress down* Ha ha ha ha ha ha! ^_^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
Rifleman: *twitches* How 'bout…not…
Cloud: Why not? ^_-
Rifleman: Just…no…
Cloud: Aww.
Sephiroth in Drag: *PMSy* I'm not a woman, damnit. I'm not a woman. They're just making me do it! LOOK! *pulls his dress down* I WAS FORCED TO WEAR A THONG! Can't you see—
Dwarf: Looks lady-enough to me. *drool*
Sephiroth: What? AHHHHHHHH! WHAT…WHAT THE…NOOO! THERE GOES MY HAREM OF FANGIRLS!
Tifa: *snicker*
Dwarf: *grabs Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: AHHH! NOO! OH GOD, NOO! PLEASE! I'M A MAN! T____________T;;;;;;;
Tifa: *grudgingly* Hello.
Mr. Knight Sir: JUGS—er, hello there, my fair dame.
Tifa: …what did you just say?
Mr. Knight Sir: Let's go, milady! *marches out with Tifa*
Tifa: *backstage* *beats the knight* PERV!
Archimonde: Cut! Okay, that was horrible! But, whatever. It's also horrible. Damn Deekz…
A/N: And there goes the FF7 cast. Not as good as before, I know. I think I've gone humorless for a long while…bleh…anyway, it'll probably take a while to get the next one out because 1) I'm going on vacation, and 2) school starts.