Please enjoy this!!
Don't worry, I would never be caught adding romance to Legacy of Kain. I'm not a crazy fan girl, though I have eyes for Raziel and Kain from BO2. But no one cares and neither do I. ^_-
MEATS: FUN WITH ME AND THE LoK PEOPLE. BEWARE THE RANDOMNESS.
Join me!
Location: AT SOME SPOT!!
Sarafan Raziel: (dressed in a meatloaf costume) Boop boop de doop! (jumps in a pool of piranhas)
(the piranhas attack, but don't kill Raziel. Instead, they draw some blood, and the blood mixed in water spells the word "MEATS".)
(pan to a studio)
Announcer guy: Welcome to "MEATS"! The only show where we torture our guests by any means! And now, meet your hostess, Elexis the vampire!
(no one claps nor cares)
(I [Elexis] appear on stage)
Me: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! (sits at desk) YOU'RE TOO KIND! We got some cool guests with us, the cast of at least MOST of the Legacy of Kain games!
(audience does nothing)
(crickets chirp)
Me: Where are they?
(peaks behind the curtain)
Blood Omen Kain: Does this make me look fat?
Me: HEY! You guys are on!
Blood Omen 2 Kain: So that's what I looked like….Hmmm…No, you don't look fat.
Me: HEY!
Present Kain: Coming! Damn…..
Me: Okay! (sits at desk, the sarafan, vampire, and present Raziel emerge)
Vampire Raziel: (to S. Raziel) They didn't tell me YOU'D be here!
S. Raziel: Got a problem?!
V. Raziel: YEAH! YOU'RE A BASTARD!
S. Raziel: That's uncalled for!
(they beat each other up) (the present Raziel just stands there and shakes his head)
(I run up)
Me: HEY! BOYS! BOYS! You're on T.V.!
V. Raziel: What's TV?
Me: ……………Never mind. Just sit down.
V. Raziel: Not next to THAT! (points to S. Raziel)
Me: SIT OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!
S. Raziel: What consequences?
Me: The consequences of me beating both of you up so bad, you're mother's brother's sister's father will cry. (cracks knuckles)
(They all sit)
(next, Vorador comes in and sits)
Me: Ah. The vampire of polygamy.
Vorador: -_-;
(Aeriel comes in)
Me: Hi, Aeriel! Have a seat!
Aeriel: A body is needed to sit…..flesh and bones are required to recline…
Me: -. -. …….Fine. Just stand…….er….float…whatever you like to do.
(Malek is supposed to come in at this point)
Me: Alright! Where's Malek?!
Announcer: He got lost……he couldn't see……..
Me: Ooooook.
(Blood Omen Kain, Blood Omen 2 Kain, and the present Kain come in)
(they all sit)
Me: Blood Omen 2 Kain, you look great.
BO2 Kain: Uh…Thanks.
BO Kain: I KNEW he'd get all the attention…..
Me: Hm? Sorry, Kain. You're great, too. Your alternate selves are well built, and, since I have to be a stupid fan girl for a moment, sexy. Ok. No more fan girl stuff after this, I promise.
Present Kain: Which future self?
Me: Uh….both…I guess.
Both BO2 and present Kain: Ah. (sticks chest out in pride)
BO Kain: Hmph….
Me: Not there's anything wrong with YOU! I loved Blood Omen….It was my introduction into being part of the fanhood of the series!
BO: (turns the other way so as to pout)
Me: And where have the brethren gone?
(All of Raziel's vampiric brethren walk in, followed by their deformed counterparts, but Melchiah's monster form is missing)
Me: HEY! Where's Melchiah's other form?!
V. Melchiah: Uh……you see…….
Stage manager: He won't fit in the door way! And he's already cracked all the mirrors in the building!!
(pan to three humans trying to shove the montrous Melchiah into the door)
Person #1: HEAVE!
(pan back to a blank face on everyone sitting in the studio)
Me:……………..Um….Ok….Where's Mobious?
(Mobious runs in, looking tired and run down)
Mobious: DAMN! I was walking down the street when an old lady beat me with her cane, then some dogs came after me, an then….and then…!
Me: Very nice. Have a seat.
Moboius: (blinks, then sits)
Me: Well………..looks like everyone's pretty much here……OH WAIT! JANOS AUNDRON!
(Janos comes in)
Janos: Sorry! Got stuck in traffic!
Me: But you can fly…
Janos: Yeah, and have you ever flown behind geese?! Its not pretty….
Me: I figured……Well. NOW everyone's here…
Vorador: Yep…….
BO2 Kain: Why ARE we here? We just came in because we had nothing to do…..
Me: You DO know why you all are here……
BO2 Kain: I do?
Me: Well…..Your future self does……
Present Kain: Oh….NO. NO! YOU CAN"T!
Me: YEP. That's right! (reaches behind back and grabs white sheets) TOGA TIME!
Everyone but me: AHHHHHHHH!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!! (runs)
Me: I don't think so! (telekenikly shuts all door and seals walls in steal)
Everyone but me: SH*T!
(SLOW MOTION)
(I run up to them, they turn around)
Everyone but me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(I tackle them, and after I'm get up, they are all in togas)
(NORMAL MOTION)
Me: MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Dumah: I could've SWORN I saw this coming….
Rahab: Why didn't you say something then?!
V. Raziel: Because he's an idiot…..
Dumah: Right. Because I'm an….HEY!
BO2 Kain:???????? When did this happen?!
Me: At the blink of an eye!
BO2 Kain: (blinks)
Me: See you blinked! HA! I just did it again!
BO2 Kain: -_-
BO Kain: WHY?
Me: Its funny. Togas are always funny.
BO Kain: They are?!
Me: Of course! They're funny now!
S. Raziel: This is scary…..I feel comfortable for some reason.
Janos: Where has my pineapple gone?!
Me: I don't have it…..
Janos: PINEAPPLE!
Aeriel: Don't look at me! I HATE pineapples!
(Everyone stops and stares at her)
BO2 Kain: You WHAT?!
Zephon: How could you!!!!
Present Raziel: That's disgusting! It's impossible!
Vorador: I didn't think it was possible to HATE pineapples!
Me: Dear Lord….
Turel: I don't believe it!
Aeriel: Uh…Well….You see….
BO Kain: We DON'T see! There are no excuses for hating pineapples!
Mobious: You monster!
Melchiah: PINEAPPLE HATER!
(Everyone runs after her)
Aeriel: CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DID I SAY I HATED PINEAPPLES?! HAHAHA! SILLY ME!
(they don't stop)
(Aeriel punches Vorador, V. Raziel, and BO2 Kain)
Aeriel: I'm not the wimpy girl you think you know!
Rahab: Oh yeah? (swings at her)
(Aeriel knocks him on the nose)
Vorador: Do you even REMEMBER pineapples?!
Aeriel:………
(Vorador shoves one in her face)
Aeriel: HEY! ITS DELICIOUS!
S. Raziel: Of course it is! Its a pineapple!
Aeriel: Well I suppose this ends the 'pineapple' hater thing….
Janos: I WANT MY PINEAPPLE!
S. Raziel: Oh yes…now back to that……
(everyone just sits)
Me: Quit looking so hard…
S. Raziel: HEY! It's pretty hard to locate a pineapple that belongs to a vampire…
Me: Well, where would you go if were a pineapple…….
S. Raziel: (thinks)
Zephon: Well, you see. To find a pineapple, you must study a pineapple, then become the pineapple, then move in with the pineapple, then wear pineapple clothes, then……..
Me: Quit while you're ahead, Zephon.
BO2 Kain: OW! (stands up, revealing that he was sitting on the pineapple)
Janos: YAY! (takes it and puts it on his head)
Mobious: There's a pineapple on you're head. You've got head pineapples….
Janos: I happen to LIKE my head pineapples….
Me: Leave the pineapple Janos alone, he likes pineapples just as much as we do…..
Mobious: But the raging horror of head pineapples….
Me: The raging horror of you never shutting yer mouth…
(Mobious pouts)
Rahab: 'Scuse me, where's the bathroom?
V. Raziel: You just went before we got here!
Rahab: I also drained 400 people of their blood when we got here! Please! Where is it, Elexis!
Me: Third hall to the right, then third hall to the left, then the third hall on the left again, then turn right, then left, then left, and it's the third door on the left.
Rahab: (not quite understanding) …Ok. (leaves)
BO Kain: Eh…He'll find it eventually.
Aeriel: Well, now that the pineapple charade is over, now what?
Me: Ummmmmmmmmmmmm……heh.
BO2 Kain: What does 'HEH' mean?
Present Kain: Something bad, obviously.
Present Raziel: Nothing could be as bad as these togas……
S. Raziel: I wouldn't be so sure…(points at me)
Dumah: What?
V. Raziel: O_O
BO Kain: HOLY CRAP!
Janos: NO.
Me: (turns around in chair to face them) Heheheh….that's right….it's time for…..PIGGIES! (tosses a ton of tiny rubber piggies everywhere)
Aeriel: THE HORRIBLE PIGGIES!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH! (floats away)
Turel: HAHA! PIGGIES! YAY!
Present Kain: He's always been an odd one…..
(Turel frolics in the piggies)
Me: Piggies!
V. Raziel: Yeah…piggies, togas, and pineapples……
Me: Damn straight!
Dumah: (picks up a rubber piggie and squeezes it so it squeaks)
Vorador: Why the piggies? WHYYYYYY?!
Me: I dunno. They're just little round piggies……
Turel: Embrace the piggies! (hugs a bunch of piggies)
Vorador: I see……..yes…….piggies…..piggies indeed…….(squeezes a little piggie)
Me: Is he plotting something?
BO Kain: No one ever knows what the hell he's doing…
Me: Ah.
(Rahab runs in)
Rahab: (pant pant) Well! SOMEONE isn't so good at directions!
Me: (snicker)
Rahab: WHAT? You MEANT to send me off course?! I got attacked by wild potato people!
Me: Oh them. They're harmless.
Rahab: MY ASS! They belted me with mashed potatoes!
Me: Oh. Sorry, man. Mint? (hands Rahab mint)
Rahab: Thank you. (munch munch) What's with all the piggies?
S. Raziel: Do you really need to ask?
Me: ^_^
END. REVIEW I TELL YOU! REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!
Don't worry, I would never be caught adding romance to Legacy of Kain. I'm not a crazy fan girl, though I have eyes for Raziel and Kain from BO2. But no one cares and neither do I. ^_-
MEATS: FUN WITH ME AND THE LoK PEOPLE. BEWARE THE RANDOMNESS.
Join me!
Location: AT SOME SPOT!!
Sarafan Raziel: (dressed in a meatloaf costume) Boop boop de doop! (jumps in a pool of piranhas)
(the piranhas attack, but don't kill Raziel. Instead, they draw some blood, and the blood mixed in water spells the word "MEATS".)
(pan to a studio)
Announcer guy: Welcome to "MEATS"! The only show where we torture our guests by any means! And now, meet your hostess, Elexis the vampire!
(no one claps nor cares)
(I [Elexis] appear on stage)
Me: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! (sits at desk) YOU'RE TOO KIND! We got some cool guests with us, the cast of at least MOST of the Legacy of Kain games!
(audience does nothing)
(crickets chirp)
Me: Where are they?
(peaks behind the curtain)
Blood Omen Kain: Does this make me look fat?
Me: HEY! You guys are on!
Blood Omen 2 Kain: So that's what I looked like….Hmmm…No, you don't look fat.
Me: HEY!
Present Kain: Coming! Damn…..
Me: Okay! (sits at desk, the sarafan, vampire, and present Raziel emerge)
Vampire Raziel: (to S. Raziel) They didn't tell me YOU'D be here!
S. Raziel: Got a problem?!
V. Raziel: YEAH! YOU'RE A BASTARD!
S. Raziel: That's uncalled for!
(they beat each other up) (the present Raziel just stands there and shakes his head)
(I run up)
Me: HEY! BOYS! BOYS! You're on T.V.!
V. Raziel: What's TV?
Me: ……………Never mind. Just sit down.
V. Raziel: Not next to THAT! (points to S. Raziel)
Me: SIT OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!
S. Raziel: What consequences?
Me: The consequences of me beating both of you up so bad, you're mother's brother's sister's father will cry. (cracks knuckles)
(They all sit)
(next, Vorador comes in and sits)
Me: Ah. The vampire of polygamy.
Vorador: -_-;
(Aeriel comes in)
Me: Hi, Aeriel! Have a seat!
Aeriel: A body is needed to sit…..flesh and bones are required to recline…
Me: -. -. …….Fine. Just stand…….er….float…whatever you like to do.
(Malek is supposed to come in at this point)
Me: Alright! Where's Malek?!
Announcer: He got lost……he couldn't see……..
Me: Ooooook.
(Blood Omen Kain, Blood Omen 2 Kain, and the present Kain come in)
(they all sit)
Me: Blood Omen 2 Kain, you look great.
BO2 Kain: Uh…Thanks.
BO Kain: I KNEW he'd get all the attention…..
Me: Hm? Sorry, Kain. You're great, too. Your alternate selves are well built, and, since I have to be a stupid fan girl for a moment, sexy. Ok. No more fan girl stuff after this, I promise.
Present Kain: Which future self?
Me: Uh….both…I guess.
Both BO2 and present Kain: Ah. (sticks chest out in pride)
BO Kain: Hmph….
Me: Not there's anything wrong with YOU! I loved Blood Omen….It was my introduction into being part of the fanhood of the series!
BO: (turns the other way so as to pout)
Me: And where have the brethren gone?
(All of Raziel's vampiric brethren walk in, followed by their deformed counterparts, but Melchiah's monster form is missing)
Me: HEY! Where's Melchiah's other form?!
V. Melchiah: Uh……you see…….
Stage manager: He won't fit in the door way! And he's already cracked all the mirrors in the building!!
(pan to three humans trying to shove the montrous Melchiah into the door)
Person #1: HEAVE!
(pan back to a blank face on everyone sitting in the studio)
Me:……………..Um….Ok….Where's Mobious?
(Mobious runs in, looking tired and run down)
Mobious: DAMN! I was walking down the street when an old lady beat me with her cane, then some dogs came after me, an then….and then…!
Me: Very nice. Have a seat.
Moboius: (blinks, then sits)
Me: Well………..looks like everyone's pretty much here……OH WAIT! JANOS AUNDRON!
(Janos comes in)
Janos: Sorry! Got stuck in traffic!
Me: But you can fly…
Janos: Yeah, and have you ever flown behind geese?! Its not pretty….
Me: I figured……Well. NOW everyone's here…
Vorador: Yep…….
BO2 Kain: Why ARE we here? We just came in because we had nothing to do…..
Me: You DO know why you all are here……
BO2 Kain: I do?
Me: Well…..Your future self does……
Present Kain: Oh….NO. NO! YOU CAN"T!
Me: YEP. That's right! (reaches behind back and grabs white sheets) TOGA TIME!
Everyone but me: AHHHHHHHH!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!! (runs)
Me: I don't think so! (telekenikly shuts all door and seals walls in steal)
Everyone but me: SH*T!
(SLOW MOTION)
(I run up to them, they turn around)
Everyone but me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(I tackle them, and after I'm get up, they are all in togas)
(NORMAL MOTION)
Me: MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Dumah: I could've SWORN I saw this coming….
Rahab: Why didn't you say something then?!
V. Raziel: Because he's an idiot…..
Dumah: Right. Because I'm an….HEY!
BO2 Kain:???????? When did this happen?!
Me: At the blink of an eye!
BO2 Kain: (blinks)
Me: See you blinked! HA! I just did it again!
BO2 Kain: -_-
BO Kain: WHY?
Me: Its funny. Togas are always funny.
BO Kain: They are?!
Me: Of course! They're funny now!
S. Raziel: This is scary…..I feel comfortable for some reason.
Janos: Where has my pineapple gone?!
Me: I don't have it…..
Janos: PINEAPPLE!
Aeriel: Don't look at me! I HATE pineapples!
(Everyone stops and stares at her)
BO2 Kain: You WHAT?!
Zephon: How could you!!!!
Present Raziel: That's disgusting! It's impossible!
Vorador: I didn't think it was possible to HATE pineapples!
Me: Dear Lord….
Turel: I don't believe it!
Aeriel: Uh…Well….You see….
BO Kain: We DON'T see! There are no excuses for hating pineapples!
Mobious: You monster!
Melchiah: PINEAPPLE HATER!
(Everyone runs after her)
Aeriel: CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DID I SAY I HATED PINEAPPLES?! HAHAHA! SILLY ME!
(they don't stop)
(Aeriel punches Vorador, V. Raziel, and BO2 Kain)
Aeriel: I'm not the wimpy girl you think you know!
Rahab: Oh yeah? (swings at her)
(Aeriel knocks him on the nose)
Vorador: Do you even REMEMBER pineapples?!
Aeriel:………
(Vorador shoves one in her face)
Aeriel: HEY! ITS DELICIOUS!
S. Raziel: Of course it is! Its a pineapple!
Aeriel: Well I suppose this ends the 'pineapple' hater thing….
Janos: I WANT MY PINEAPPLE!
S. Raziel: Oh yes…now back to that……
(everyone just sits)
Me: Quit looking so hard…
S. Raziel: HEY! It's pretty hard to locate a pineapple that belongs to a vampire…
Me: Well, where would you go if were a pineapple…….
S. Raziel: (thinks)
Zephon: Well, you see. To find a pineapple, you must study a pineapple, then become the pineapple, then move in with the pineapple, then wear pineapple clothes, then……..
Me: Quit while you're ahead, Zephon.
BO2 Kain: OW! (stands up, revealing that he was sitting on the pineapple)
Janos: YAY! (takes it and puts it on his head)
Mobious: There's a pineapple on you're head. You've got head pineapples….
Janos: I happen to LIKE my head pineapples….
Me: Leave the pineapple Janos alone, he likes pineapples just as much as we do…..
Mobious: But the raging horror of head pineapples….
Me: The raging horror of you never shutting yer mouth…
(Mobious pouts)
Rahab: 'Scuse me, where's the bathroom?
V. Raziel: You just went before we got here!
Rahab: I also drained 400 people of their blood when we got here! Please! Where is it, Elexis!
Me: Third hall to the right, then third hall to the left, then the third hall on the left again, then turn right, then left, then left, and it's the third door on the left.
Rahab: (not quite understanding) …Ok. (leaves)
BO Kain: Eh…He'll find it eventually.
Aeriel: Well, now that the pineapple charade is over, now what?
Me: Ummmmmmmmmmmmm……heh.
BO2 Kain: What does 'HEH' mean?
Present Kain: Something bad, obviously.
Present Raziel: Nothing could be as bad as these togas……
S. Raziel: I wouldn't be so sure…(points at me)
Dumah: What?
V. Raziel: O_O
BO Kain: HOLY CRAP!
Janos: NO.
Me: (turns around in chair to face them) Heheheh….that's right….it's time for…..PIGGIES! (tosses a ton of tiny rubber piggies everywhere)
Aeriel: THE HORRIBLE PIGGIES!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH! (floats away)
Turel: HAHA! PIGGIES! YAY!
Present Kain: He's always been an odd one…..
(Turel frolics in the piggies)
Me: Piggies!
V. Raziel: Yeah…piggies, togas, and pineapples……
Me: Damn straight!
Dumah: (picks up a rubber piggie and squeezes it so it squeaks)
Vorador: Why the piggies? WHYYYYYY?!
Me: I dunno. They're just little round piggies……
Turel: Embrace the piggies! (hugs a bunch of piggies)
Vorador: I see……..yes…….piggies…..piggies indeed…….(squeezes a little piggie)
Me: Is he plotting something?
BO Kain: No one ever knows what the hell he's doing…
Me: Ah.
(Rahab runs in)
Rahab: (pant pant) Well! SOMEONE isn't so good at directions!
Me: (snicker)
Rahab: WHAT? You MEANT to send me off course?! I got attacked by wild potato people!
Me: Oh them. They're harmless.
Rahab: MY ASS! They belted me with mashed potatoes!
Me: Oh. Sorry, man. Mint? (hands Rahab mint)
Rahab: Thank you. (munch munch) What's with all the piggies?
S. Raziel: Do you really need to ask?
Me: ^_^
END. REVIEW I TELL YOU! REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!