Notes: Well, so I lied. Here's chapter 2 of the Star Wars Beach House. Things just get funnier from here... and wait 'till you see what we have in store for my beloved Obi-Wan!
To Becky - Gee, I wonder just who are you a fangirl of?? :p
To Enchanter - The image is more effective if you imagine Episode II Obi getting all pissy at everyone. OOC? Perhaps. Funny? ...of course.
To TheRandom - (polite cough) Yes, I know how 'fuck' is spelled. However, in the notes at the beginning of the fic I clearly stated that we misspelled the word on purpose... I assume you didn't read that bit. Either that or you forgot it.
To Saturn - Just wait 'till you see what happens to dearest Obi in this bit... (maniacal giggle)
To Arylin - I fully intend to. After all, I have it all hand-written on paper. It just needs typing...
To biblehermione - Who doesn't?
And as a final note, so no one gets confused, we're just assuming Obi-Wan and Ewan McGregor are interchangeable.
Obi-Wan sat serenely on a barstool in the "Black Rockpool", gently swilling a foaming mug of beer in one hand. "As, peace at last," he sighed. "And focking football! Hell yes!"
"You mean soccer," came a cultured voice from behind him. "That's what these Californians call it."
Obi-Wan turned to stare at the white-haired, teenaged bar patron. "You're bloody underaged!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
"Escaping my bloody 'companions'," the boy sighed. "I'm Draco Malfoy. Pleased to meet you, Obi-Wan."
"Malfoy? You're that rich brat!" Obi-Wan said, taking Draco's outstretched hand and shaking it. "I love your work."
"I hear you're rumored to play Remus Lupin," Draco said.
"If I focking survive this focking vacation," Obi-Wan said grimly.
"Ah, another victim of the fangirls," Draco said sagely.
"Damn them! Damn them to hell!" Obi-Wan screamed.
Elsewhere...
CR: Well, that wasn't very nice.
"You're not even a focking Obi-Wan fangirl, Celeb!" Obi-Wan raged at the bar ceiling, drawing more than a few curious stares. "Why the hell are you torturing me??"
CR: Because I can and because Blade asked me to.
"Damn that focking Blade girl!" Obi-Wan ranted.
BM: Oh, you can fock me anytime-
"Shut the fock up!"
CR: (giggles)
"Stop focking giggling!" Obi-Wan sighed. "I need another drink."
~-~-~-
Obi-Wan was late in returning from the bar, and Anakin and Padme wasted no time in taking advantage of that. Obi-Wan had warned everyone to 'focking keep Ami and Ani from focking' or he'd kill them all, but Padme's quick thinking had gotten rid of all of the other beings in the beach house. Anakin had drugged Yoda's evening gruel, and Padme had told Dooku and Palpatine to do whatever they wanted with each other, out of earshot of everyone else.
"We're free!" Anakin said gleefully, almost prancing towards the bedroom. "Padme, I have to tell you something. Today I saw a crab try to pinch you, and it made me angry. So I killed them all. Oh no, not just the men, but the women and the children. They're like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals."
"Ani-Chan," Padme said solemnly, "they are animals."
"Wha' the fock are you two doing?" asked a voice from behind them. Standing there was a very drunk Obi-Wan.
"Uh, nothing!" Anakin exclaimed, quickly hitching his pants back up.
"Somehow, I don' b'lieve you," Obi-Wan slurred, leaning on the doorframe. "I fockin' don' b'lieve you." Suddenly he stiffened and turned a semi-alert ear down the hallway. "Wha' the fock is tha' noise??"
"I believe it's Palpatine and Dooku," Padme said innocently. "We were trying to find a way to stop them, but we need a big, strong Jedi to break down the door..." As she spoke she turned and winked at Anakin.
"Yeah, master, I'm not nearly strong enough to break these doors," Anakin sighed, putting on an ashamed face.
"We told them not to, honestly master Kenobi!" Padme said tearfully, clutching at Obi-Wan's hand.
Obi-Wan grinned drunkenly and patted Padme's head. "I'll go stop th' (hic) fockin' bastards," he muttered, sounding very much like the drunk Scottish man he was. With that he stomped down the hallway, falling into walls as he went.
"Score!" Anakin cried, slamming the door and locking it.
~-~-~-
It was breakfast time. Both Padme and Anakin looked very pleased with themselves. Dooku and Palpatine looked beat up and depressed. Yoda tried to make the coffee, but a certain Jedi stopped him. "You focking muppet! I have a focking hangover and need good coffee, not some shite from Degobah!" ranted Obi-Wan. He then proceeded to make the coffee himself, muttering over and over, "It's all in the grind..."
Yoda looked mildly irritated but busied himself with the making of pancakes. Obi-Wan's hangover prevented him from doing anything but gulping large quantities of hot black coffee.
"Served, the pancakes are," said Yoda, levitating the plate to the table.
"I'm focking cooking breakfast for the rest of this bloody 'vacation', and if you've got focking morning sickness and won't focking eat my focking cooking, I'm going to shove it up your arse!" Obi-Wan grumbled, his eyes hooded.
~-~-~-
"Master, why are we going fishing?" whined Anakin.
"Because fish are focking good for babies, and you probably got Padme focking preggers," Obi-Wan snarled, hefting a fishing rod over his shoulder.
"It's not my fault the condom broke!"
"Of course it isn't," Obi-Wan said sarcastically. "And Dooku is straight, right?"
Anakin glowered and picked up a second fishing rod. "Well you forgot the morning-after pills."
"Me?" Obi-Wan asked, rounding on his apprentice. "Why the fock would I need morning-after pills??" The Jedi Knight was still feeling the effects of his bar run and was in no mood for his Padawan's arguments. "Now I have to focking take care of your focking brats earlier than I planned to, you horny teenaged idiot. There goes my next summer."
"Ani, I got a hook stuck in my hair," Padme complained. Anakin used the Force to remove it. Padme glomped him in response. "I love you, Ani-chan!" she squealed.
"And that's how she got focking pregnant!"
"Well... at least I'm not gay!" Anakin exclaimed. Everyone shifted their gaze to Dooku and Palpatine.
"Uh... at least I'm... not a druggie!" Dooku said, glaring at Obi-Wan.
"I cleaned up!" Obi-Wan snapped.
"Yeah, six or seven times," Anakin scoffed.
"It wasn't my fault!" Obi-Wan protested. "Besides, you were a druggie too, my Life-as-a-focking-beach-house apprentice!"
"Well," Yoda said, "explain, that does, the twins' weirdness."
"Yoda?" Anakin said politely.
"What do you wish?"
Anakin merely knocked Yoda off his floating dish. "I've been meaning to do that."
~-~-~-
"Now this time I do the focking cooking," Obi-Wan stated. Everyone backed away slowly. "And if anyone doesn't focking eat it, I'll-"
"We know, we know," Palpatine muttered. "You'll shove it up our arses."
"You'd focking better believe it," Obi-Wan muttered as he slapped a large hunk of liver into a pan.
"Are we all eating that?" Padme asked, wrinkling her nose.
"No, only you," Obi-Wan replied, grinning viciously. "We're all eating a lovely shrimp-scampi pasta with a light pesto sauce." On seeing Padme's horrified expression he said, "Liver is good for babies."
"I think this is your twisted way of punishing me, evil Jedi," Padme grumbled, stabbing her fork into the table and twisting it. "It's Anakin's fault, too!!"
"Oh, I've got plans for him."
"What sort of plans?" Anakin asked suspiciously.
"You'll be having tripe."
"What's that?"
"Cow intestine."
"Eew!" Padme exclaimed.
"Nasty, tripe is," Yoda said.
"Oh, hell," Anakin muttered, flipping his fork between his thumb and forefinger.
~-~-~-
Everyone but Palpatine went down to the beach for an afternoon swim. "God, I love this planet," Dooku said as he lay out on a towel to tan.
"You're going to get skin cancer," Padme cautioned, rubbing suncreen into her arms. Anakin 'courteously' lathered her back for her.
"I had Palpatine rub me down before we left," Dooku shrugged.
"That's focking creepy, Dooku," Obi-Wan muttered as he disrobed.
"Are you sure you want to do that, Master?" Anakin asked.
"Why the fock not? I'm not going to swim in my robe."
"Well, I've heard all British men wear speedos and-"
"Oh my god! It's, like, Obi-Wan! In, like, a speedo!" squealed a bunch of vallyg-fangirls.
"God damnit! Focking fangirls! They're everywhere!" Obi-Wan kicked his homespun pants off and dove headfirst into the water.
"Floating, I am," Yoda said, hovering over the water. Padme knocked him off his floating dish... again.
"Catch me Ani!" she squealed as she swam quickly into the ocean.
"I always get what I want," Anakin smirked, chasing her.
"Here they focking go again... focking children."
Meanwhile, Anakin had indeed caught up with Padme. "I told you I always get what I want."
"Oh focking gag me with a fork," Obi-Wan muttered, using the Force to splash Padme and Anakin.
"Hey!" Padme shrieked, kicking water at Obi-Wan.
"Oh well," Anakin shrugged, grinning devilishly, "we Jedi do it better in the water, anyway."
"Will it never end??" Obi-Wan cried, pleading to the omniscient writers.
"Oh maybe, maybe not," Blade's disembodied voice said tauntingly. "What ill you do for me?"
"Any-focking-thing!" Obi-Wan shouted as the giggles of Padme and Anakin drifted over the ocean waves.
CR: Sing?
BM: (evil) I was thinking more along the lines of more 'personal' favors...
"No!" Obi-Wan glowered. "What do you focking want me to sing?"
CR: I think 'You're a God' would be appropriate in this situation.
BM: Oh yes, indeed, then make him sing "The Bad Touch"!
"Don't push it," Obi-Wan growled. "I'm not singing either song, especially not The Bad Touch!"
BM: Does 'eternal damnation' mean anything to you? Padme and Anakin will be the least of your worries once we're through with you. Think threesome of creepy old guys. We could bring Mace Windu here-
"Oh no, anything but that!" Obi-Wan said, horrified.
CR: Then sing!!
"Oh focking fine," Obi-Wan growled. He cleared his throat. "You're a God-"
CR: Goddess.
"Oh hell," Obi-Wan muttered. "You're a goddess, and I am not-"
CR: Lovely.
BM: We'll think kindly of you, love. Thanks for wearing the speedo.
Once the ethereal voices and giggling had faded, Obi-Wan struck out for shore. "Bloody-focking-fangirls, horny Padawans, whorish senators, gay counts... oh hell!" Obi-Wan shouted as his foot struck a sharp rock. Then he muttered, quietly so the evil authors couldn't hear, "If this keeps up I'll sing whatever the bloody hell they want me to sing to escape this nightmare." He thought a moment. "I need a focking drink."
End Notes: Muahaha... even when this fic ends, the insanity won't! Celeb and I wrote a sequal to this fic, Lord of the Rings style, and it will be published after this fic is finished... and after that, there's a Dragon Ball Z fic in the process. Who knows, we may even get a Harry Potter one up...
Teaser Scene from Lord of the Rings: Beach House Style-
"Die!!" Sam shrieked, jumping at Gollum with his dagger drawn.
"Samwise Gamgee!" Gandalf exclaimed, tripping the rabid hobbit with his staff. "Some that deserve to die do- No wait, some people kill undeserving- no, that's not it. Damnit, I'm going senile!"
"We kno'," Merry said solomnly. "We go' you a great room a' an old folks home."
"It's go' a TV wi' cable!" Pippin exclaimed, raising a tankard.
"Oh, for Eru's sake, we've been here five minutes and you're already drunk!" Legolas shouted.
"Pretty much," Merry replied.
To Becky - Gee, I wonder just who are you a fangirl of?? :p
To Enchanter - The image is more effective if you imagine Episode II Obi getting all pissy at everyone. OOC? Perhaps. Funny? ...of course.
To TheRandom - (polite cough) Yes, I know how 'fuck' is spelled. However, in the notes at the beginning of the fic I clearly stated that we misspelled the word on purpose... I assume you didn't read that bit. Either that or you forgot it.
To Saturn - Just wait 'till you see what happens to dearest Obi in this bit... (maniacal giggle)
To Arylin - I fully intend to. After all, I have it all hand-written on paper. It just needs typing...
To biblehermione - Who doesn't?
And as a final note, so no one gets confused, we're just assuming Obi-Wan and Ewan McGregor are interchangeable.
Obi-Wan sat serenely on a barstool in the "Black Rockpool", gently swilling a foaming mug of beer in one hand. "As, peace at last," he sighed. "And focking football! Hell yes!"
"You mean soccer," came a cultured voice from behind him. "That's what these Californians call it."
Obi-Wan turned to stare at the white-haired, teenaged bar patron. "You're bloody underaged!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
"Escaping my bloody 'companions'," the boy sighed. "I'm Draco Malfoy. Pleased to meet you, Obi-Wan."
"Malfoy? You're that rich brat!" Obi-Wan said, taking Draco's outstretched hand and shaking it. "I love your work."
"I hear you're rumored to play Remus Lupin," Draco said.
"If I focking survive this focking vacation," Obi-Wan said grimly.
"Ah, another victim of the fangirls," Draco said sagely.
"Damn them! Damn them to hell!" Obi-Wan screamed.
Elsewhere...
CR: Well, that wasn't very nice.
"You're not even a focking Obi-Wan fangirl, Celeb!" Obi-Wan raged at the bar ceiling, drawing more than a few curious stares. "Why the hell are you torturing me??"
CR: Because I can and because Blade asked me to.
"Damn that focking Blade girl!" Obi-Wan ranted.
BM: Oh, you can fock me anytime-
"Shut the fock up!"
CR: (giggles)
"Stop focking giggling!" Obi-Wan sighed. "I need another drink."
~-~-~-
Obi-Wan was late in returning from the bar, and Anakin and Padme wasted no time in taking advantage of that. Obi-Wan had warned everyone to 'focking keep Ami and Ani from focking' or he'd kill them all, but Padme's quick thinking had gotten rid of all of the other beings in the beach house. Anakin had drugged Yoda's evening gruel, and Padme had told Dooku and Palpatine to do whatever they wanted with each other, out of earshot of everyone else.
"We're free!" Anakin said gleefully, almost prancing towards the bedroom. "Padme, I have to tell you something. Today I saw a crab try to pinch you, and it made me angry. So I killed them all. Oh no, not just the men, but the women and the children. They're like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals."
"Ani-Chan," Padme said solemnly, "they are animals."
"Wha' the fock are you two doing?" asked a voice from behind them. Standing there was a very drunk Obi-Wan.
"Uh, nothing!" Anakin exclaimed, quickly hitching his pants back up.
"Somehow, I don' b'lieve you," Obi-Wan slurred, leaning on the doorframe. "I fockin' don' b'lieve you." Suddenly he stiffened and turned a semi-alert ear down the hallway. "Wha' the fock is tha' noise??"
"I believe it's Palpatine and Dooku," Padme said innocently. "We were trying to find a way to stop them, but we need a big, strong Jedi to break down the door..." As she spoke she turned and winked at Anakin.
"Yeah, master, I'm not nearly strong enough to break these doors," Anakin sighed, putting on an ashamed face.
"We told them not to, honestly master Kenobi!" Padme said tearfully, clutching at Obi-Wan's hand.
Obi-Wan grinned drunkenly and patted Padme's head. "I'll go stop th' (hic) fockin' bastards," he muttered, sounding very much like the drunk Scottish man he was. With that he stomped down the hallway, falling into walls as he went.
"Score!" Anakin cried, slamming the door and locking it.
~-~-~-
It was breakfast time. Both Padme and Anakin looked very pleased with themselves. Dooku and Palpatine looked beat up and depressed. Yoda tried to make the coffee, but a certain Jedi stopped him. "You focking muppet! I have a focking hangover and need good coffee, not some shite from Degobah!" ranted Obi-Wan. He then proceeded to make the coffee himself, muttering over and over, "It's all in the grind..."
Yoda looked mildly irritated but busied himself with the making of pancakes. Obi-Wan's hangover prevented him from doing anything but gulping large quantities of hot black coffee.
"Served, the pancakes are," said Yoda, levitating the plate to the table.
"I'm focking cooking breakfast for the rest of this bloody 'vacation', and if you've got focking morning sickness and won't focking eat my focking cooking, I'm going to shove it up your arse!" Obi-Wan grumbled, his eyes hooded.
~-~-~-
"Master, why are we going fishing?" whined Anakin.
"Because fish are focking good for babies, and you probably got Padme focking preggers," Obi-Wan snarled, hefting a fishing rod over his shoulder.
"It's not my fault the condom broke!"
"Of course it isn't," Obi-Wan said sarcastically. "And Dooku is straight, right?"
Anakin glowered and picked up a second fishing rod. "Well you forgot the morning-after pills."
"Me?" Obi-Wan asked, rounding on his apprentice. "Why the fock would I need morning-after pills??" The Jedi Knight was still feeling the effects of his bar run and was in no mood for his Padawan's arguments. "Now I have to focking take care of your focking brats earlier than I planned to, you horny teenaged idiot. There goes my next summer."
"Ani, I got a hook stuck in my hair," Padme complained. Anakin used the Force to remove it. Padme glomped him in response. "I love you, Ani-chan!" she squealed.
"And that's how she got focking pregnant!"
"Well... at least I'm not gay!" Anakin exclaimed. Everyone shifted their gaze to Dooku and Palpatine.
"Uh... at least I'm... not a druggie!" Dooku said, glaring at Obi-Wan.
"I cleaned up!" Obi-Wan snapped.
"Yeah, six or seven times," Anakin scoffed.
"It wasn't my fault!" Obi-Wan protested. "Besides, you were a druggie too, my Life-as-a-focking-beach-house apprentice!"
"Well," Yoda said, "explain, that does, the twins' weirdness."
"Yoda?" Anakin said politely.
"What do you wish?"
Anakin merely knocked Yoda off his floating dish. "I've been meaning to do that."
~-~-~-
"Now this time I do the focking cooking," Obi-Wan stated. Everyone backed away slowly. "And if anyone doesn't focking eat it, I'll-"
"We know, we know," Palpatine muttered. "You'll shove it up our arses."
"You'd focking better believe it," Obi-Wan muttered as he slapped a large hunk of liver into a pan.
"Are we all eating that?" Padme asked, wrinkling her nose.
"No, only you," Obi-Wan replied, grinning viciously. "We're all eating a lovely shrimp-scampi pasta with a light pesto sauce." On seeing Padme's horrified expression he said, "Liver is good for babies."
"I think this is your twisted way of punishing me, evil Jedi," Padme grumbled, stabbing her fork into the table and twisting it. "It's Anakin's fault, too!!"
"Oh, I've got plans for him."
"What sort of plans?" Anakin asked suspiciously.
"You'll be having tripe."
"What's that?"
"Cow intestine."
"Eew!" Padme exclaimed.
"Nasty, tripe is," Yoda said.
"Oh, hell," Anakin muttered, flipping his fork between his thumb and forefinger.
~-~-~-
Everyone but Palpatine went down to the beach for an afternoon swim. "God, I love this planet," Dooku said as he lay out on a towel to tan.
"You're going to get skin cancer," Padme cautioned, rubbing suncreen into her arms. Anakin 'courteously' lathered her back for her.
"I had Palpatine rub me down before we left," Dooku shrugged.
"That's focking creepy, Dooku," Obi-Wan muttered as he disrobed.
"Are you sure you want to do that, Master?" Anakin asked.
"Why the fock not? I'm not going to swim in my robe."
"Well, I've heard all British men wear speedos and-"
"Oh my god! It's, like, Obi-Wan! In, like, a speedo!" squealed a bunch of vallyg-fangirls.
"God damnit! Focking fangirls! They're everywhere!" Obi-Wan kicked his homespun pants off and dove headfirst into the water.
"Floating, I am," Yoda said, hovering over the water. Padme knocked him off his floating dish... again.
"Catch me Ani!" she squealed as she swam quickly into the ocean.
"I always get what I want," Anakin smirked, chasing her.
"Here they focking go again... focking children."
Meanwhile, Anakin had indeed caught up with Padme. "I told you I always get what I want."
"Oh focking gag me with a fork," Obi-Wan muttered, using the Force to splash Padme and Anakin.
"Hey!" Padme shrieked, kicking water at Obi-Wan.
"Oh well," Anakin shrugged, grinning devilishly, "we Jedi do it better in the water, anyway."
"Will it never end??" Obi-Wan cried, pleading to the omniscient writers.
"Oh maybe, maybe not," Blade's disembodied voice said tauntingly. "What ill you do for me?"
"Any-focking-thing!" Obi-Wan shouted as the giggles of Padme and Anakin drifted over the ocean waves.
CR: Sing?
BM: (evil) I was thinking more along the lines of more 'personal' favors...
"No!" Obi-Wan glowered. "What do you focking want me to sing?"
CR: I think 'You're a God' would be appropriate in this situation.
BM: Oh yes, indeed, then make him sing "The Bad Touch"!
"Don't push it," Obi-Wan growled. "I'm not singing either song, especially not The Bad Touch!"
BM: Does 'eternal damnation' mean anything to you? Padme and Anakin will be the least of your worries once we're through with you. Think threesome of creepy old guys. We could bring Mace Windu here-
"Oh no, anything but that!" Obi-Wan said, horrified.
CR: Then sing!!
"Oh focking fine," Obi-Wan growled. He cleared his throat. "You're a God-"
CR: Goddess.
"Oh hell," Obi-Wan muttered. "You're a goddess, and I am not-"
CR: Lovely.
BM: We'll think kindly of you, love. Thanks for wearing the speedo.
Once the ethereal voices and giggling had faded, Obi-Wan struck out for shore. "Bloody-focking-fangirls, horny Padawans, whorish senators, gay counts... oh hell!" Obi-Wan shouted as his foot struck a sharp rock. Then he muttered, quietly so the evil authors couldn't hear, "If this keeps up I'll sing whatever the bloody hell they want me to sing to escape this nightmare." He thought a moment. "I need a focking drink."
End Notes: Muahaha... even when this fic ends, the insanity won't! Celeb and I wrote a sequal to this fic, Lord of the Rings style, and it will be published after this fic is finished... and after that, there's a Dragon Ball Z fic in the process. Who knows, we may even get a Harry Potter one up...
Teaser Scene from Lord of the Rings: Beach House Style-
"Die!!" Sam shrieked, jumping at Gollum with his dagger drawn.
"Samwise Gamgee!" Gandalf exclaimed, tripping the rabid hobbit with his staff. "Some that deserve to die do- No wait, some people kill undeserving- no, that's not it. Damnit, I'm going senile!"
"We kno'," Merry said solomnly. "We go' you a great room a' an old folks home."
"It's go' a TV wi' cable!" Pippin exclaimed, raising a tankard.
"Oh, for Eru's sake, we've been here five minutes and you're already drunk!" Legolas shouted.
"Pretty much," Merry replied.