I run off to find Lily, who had Wuthering Heights, The Feminine Mystique, and a few teen magazines stacked up to her chin, and tell her quickly, "I gotta go!" Before she can even speak, I'm running off, ready to go home.

Lily looks shocked, but I don't care. I need to go home, now. I run past Dave's Bagels, past the flower shop, past a kindergarten already let out for the summer.

I arrive at my gated house, already out of breath. I open the gate and trudge my way inside. Darry is cooking breakfast, still in his pajamas. He woke up late I assume.

"Pony, what are you doin' home so early?"

"I… um, Lily had a dentist appointment she forgot about." Good lie! He would yell at me for abandoning Lily, even though I felt panic all of a sudden. But Darry wouldn't believe me. He would probably tell me to toughen up, like he used to before Mom and Dad died. I wonder why he stopped… I guess their deaths sensitized him.

They sensitized all of us. I had those nightmares, and Soda stopped dating for a long time. Johnny and Dallas's deaths sensitized us too. Soda stopped caring about his looks, and even stopped showering at one point! Darry on the other hand, became obsessed with keeping things clean, as to scrub away their deaths, and tried to preserve their memory desperately.

Anyway, I listened to Darry ramble about some tv show he was watching, and how I might like it, and then I went to my room. Soda had gone for work, so I had the room all to myself. I laid on the bed and tried to fall asleep. All I wanted was to regain the sleep I couldn't get last night…

I couldn't go to sleep though. My brain told me to stay awake for what if I miss something? Yeah, I should just stay up. And do what? Read? No, don't wanna. Watch a movie? No, don't wanna. How about draw? Fat chance. I think I'll just lie here and roll my eyes at everything. Ugh. I hate feeling this way.

I miss when I was so happy, before my parents died. We would always go on a camping trip, to somewhere in Kansas. Dad and my brothers would go for a hunting trip, and shoot ducks. Soda and I didn't like shooting the animals though, but I liked being with my dad. We would always go for a morning fishing adventure, and oh man, swimming in the lake, and the hikes…

I get to go hiking and swim in lakes with Lily a lot, but I just wish my mom and dad were here….

Mom would make the best food for Christmas, and I would help out with the preparation a lot. I especially loved putting together the marshmallows on the sweet potatoes, I would always arrange them so nicely, while Darry would entertain the guests with stories.

I remember at one point Darry wanted to be an author too! He would write me bedtime stories, and read them to me. Can you imagine that now? Now he doesn't seem to like creativity…

A few months ago he seemed so cranky, but now he's cheerful, and I'm the cranky one! He tells me it's teenagerdom, but I doubt it.

I decide to get out of bed and get some lunch. Darry had made some barbeque chicken a few nights ago, and I decided to eat the rest.

I heat it up, and put it on a plate. I sit on the couch, and think while eating. I already missed Lily, and hoped she'd forgive me for abandoning her. I'd call her to apologize, though later…. I wasn't in the mood to talk.

Last night was fun, and I wish I could go back to it. I wasn't feeling low. Lily and I went to the pool, we played outside, we listened to The Beatles, watched cartoons, had a pillow fight, Lily attempted to make prank calls, I even put that green glop my mother used to put on her face on mine (at Lily's request). We had hamburgers and fruit juice, went out for ice cream (Lily had chocolate, I had a chocolate shake), and ate lots of candy and fruit. Whew!

I liked Lily's house so much better than mine. It was less loud, so perfect for studying.

I liked to study in the garden, which now was full of weeds, (Lily didn't seem to mind though), and look at the bees and butterflies. I want to be as happy as them, flying away, getting chased by Lily and Shun, sitting on flowers, dying young….

Wait! No, don't think about dying. Live, stay gold, like Johnny said.

But I'm not staying gold. I'm sobbing a lot for no reason, sitting like a bump on a log, being quiet around the gang. I'm not myself damnit! I want that back!

I feel anger rising, so I take a deep breath. You're gonna be okay…. just watch some tv, then call Lily, maybe take a nap… it's alright.

I take another breath, and switch on the television. Mostly just boring stuff, like a show for little kids about a dinosaur that had bad audio quality, and more news about Vietnam. Ugh, that's depressing. A Paul Newman movie was on, but I didn't care, like I usually did recently.

I groaned, and picked up the phone to call Lily. I waited for someone to answer, and her father did.

"Hey, this is Ponyboy. Is Lily there?"

"Yeah, I'll go get her." Her father replied in his quiet sounding voice.

I waited for what seemed like hours, which I guess happens when you're nervous. She finally came on, and shrieked:

"What happened back there? I was so worried! I thought you hated me for a second!"

I didn't dare tell her to calm down, since I knew what happens when you tell girls that.

"Lily, hun, I'm really sorry… the reason I did that was because, you don't have to believe me, but." I paused. "I felt like if I didn't get out of there at that moment, I would die."

Lily went silent. "I'm sorry…. Just don't do that again."

I smiled. "Thanks for understanding. I'll see you at school tomorrow. Love you."

She returned her love, and hung up.

I couldn't go to school tomorrow! I couldn't! Not when I was feeling like this. My teachers would see something was wrong and call home, or worse, treat me differently.

I decided to take a nap. I had to, now. My memories needed to be erased, and this was the closest way. I get into the bed, and pull the covers over me. Deep breath. You'll be okay…

I dream about eating hamburgers by a lake. Oh, I wish my life was always like that!

When I wake up, I have red lines on my arm and have a headache. The sign of a good nap. I get medicine for my headache, and wait on the couch for it to take effect. Darry's cooking dinner, and Sodapop is home from work. I wonder what little gifts he's bought me today…

I see a bag on the kitchen table, and look inside. It's a purple baseball cap with a Disneyesque character on it. Soda's smiling at me.

"I got it cheap at a yard sale! I bought a bunch of other shit too, like this lil' ring! We ain't got any girls here, but it was cheap, so I got it! Maybe you can give it to your girlfriend, Pony!"

"Yeah… maybe." I said, my thoughts fogging up my brain again. Lily liked to wear silver rings, so maybe I'd give it to her as a peace offering. No, I couldn't buy her back. No, she didn't break up with me. But what if she does? I would hate to lose her over something I did. But then again everything seems to be my fault. Darry used to act like it back in September.

Hell, I even can't help but think that Mom and Dad's death was my fault, for they decided to drive home from a camping trip while we got on a bus. Something about talking over something. I feel like it was me they were talking about, how I had been failing a class around that time.

I hate thinking about Mom and Dad's death, but it seems like I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Mom and Dad died almost two years ago, and I almost got over it. Until these feelings happened.

Darry calls me for dinner, turkey sandwiches. He must've been too tired to cook, since he almost always makes us a big meal, like Mom and Dad did. Please, stop thinking about Mom and Dad, accept that they're gone!

I chomp into the slimy sandwich, watching Soda and Darry eat way less aggressively. Today was not a good day, and I just wanted to go to bed. But knowing Darry, he would make me do chores. I usually don't mind doing them, but recently I of course, minded doing them.

Darry and Soda talk about the news, and the war. I don't wanna hear about it, so I get up, and say "I'm getting a headache, I'm going back to bed", which wasn't entirely a lie, for I still did have a headache. Darry asks Soda to clean up the dishes instead, and I cheer inside my head.

I skip my shower, and brush my teeth, so I'm not too disgusting. I change into some new pajamas, ones with stars on them, and climb into bed, hoping Soda comes in soon, to help transport me to dreamland.

He doesn't come in fast enough though, so I'm left again with my thoughts.