So...I guess this one ends a little differently...Kim sees Oliver for the first time since she found out his Dad is alive.
When Kim opened the door Al was ready to catch her when she dissolved into tears on the front step. He had messaged her an hour or so after she'd left the park to make sure she was okay and Kim agreed to let him come over once the kids were in bed.
He had never got back his relationship with his daughter Lexie, despite finding out that Michelle wasn't actually his biological daughter. He'd ruined his marriage and family for no good reason. Michelle had left Chicago not long after arriving, staying just long enough to destroy his life and he never heard from one year to the next. He was only sorry that he blew up his family on the word of her mother, who blew in and out then back out of his life in an instant but left a path of destruction behind her.
So Kim had become like a daughter to him. He had taken her under his wing, almost reluctantly at first when she came up to Intelligence, like he had with Ruzek. By the time Kim was promoted Ruzek and Atwater had paired off and were a strong team so Voight let them run with it. Despite his initial hesitation he had enjoyed working with her, she was smart, strong and determined to learn. Kim didn't think she was the best cop, but she wanted to know what she had to do to become better.
When Adam was supposedly killed, Kim had relied on him more and more and when Oliver arrived he felt like he had the grandchild that he thought he never would. Lexie had three children now, Marshall, Bridget and Roxy but he rarely saw them and would get the odd email or card with some photos but that was it. Oliver, and then Daisy were his salvation. He would crawl over hot coals not only for them but also for their mother. They were his family and watching them fall apart had been hard, piling all this on top of that drama hadn't been ideal, but you sometimes couldn't control the universe.
Kim pulled the door closed behind them and sat down heavily on the front step. The quiet coolness of the night was oddly comforting. The gloomy light from the porch concealed her angst although Al didn't need to see it, he could sense it.
"Stupid question coming, but how are you?" Al sat beside her, close enough so she could lean on his shoulder.
"Daisy thinks I've lost the plot tonight. I barely functioned. I'm not even sure what I gave her for dinner." Her chuckle was pained and she clutched her hands tightly in her lap. "I don't understand."
"Neither did I."
"Tell me Al, what did we miss?" She was searching Al's face for the answers that had eluded her all afternoon. Except he didn't have any answers for her. A few weeks ago he was in the exact same state of disbelief as she was experiencing now.
"Nothing. We didn't miss anything."
"Except the fact that Adam isn't dead."
"Yes well except that." At least Al looked calm and Kim tried to draw some strength from that. She had felt anything but calm all afternoon. Several times she had to remind herself to just to breathe. For the first time she had be glad not to see her son and that was hard to deal with on top of everything else.
Wringing her hands in her lap she asked. "How is he? Where is he?"
"He's okay, he's good, he looks good." Al lied smoothly, he looked like a broken man. "A little older, but who doesn't. He's desperate to see you."
"Me?"
"He wants to apologise for putting you through all this. He wants to see his parents. He wants to be Adam Ruzek again."
"What does that even mean?" Kim jumped up from the step and paced back and forward in front of Al. Her arms were tightly wrapped around her waist. "Al, what the fuck? He left me here… alone. I raised his child… alone." It was then the anger exploded from her, Al had been waiting for it. "He doesn't get to walk back into my life now. He doesn't get to do that."
"He had no choice. That case, he was made and the guys threatened you, and his parents. He had no choice. He's been in witness protection for nine years, he's been in a living hell , living as another man and it's taken its toll on him."
"Really?" Al could tell by the look on her face, even in the weak light thrown down by the porch light that Kim was struggling to believe any of this. "So that makes this okay? He could have tried, just let me know he was okay. I would have understood."
"Do you really believe that? You would have had to tell him about Oliver and he would have risked his life to see you again and that would've put you and Oliver at risk. He had no choice."
"That's not fair. Walking away is what he's good at. That's all he's ever done."
"Now you're not being fair. He did it to protect you." Al jumped up from the step and fetched the file he had left in his car. Together with Voight they had gone over every inch of that file before Al would even consider telling her. Handing it to Kim he told her that she should read this. "It's the case notes Adam gave me." She clutched them to her chest as if she was trying to absorb them.
"Where is he?"
"He's in Detroit."
"Detroit?" So close, how could he be so close and she not even know. "All this time?"
"He's only been there a week or so, he's waiting there until he can come here, come home. Until you know." He was watching her closely, those files held tightly in her arms like they contained the answers to the universe and in a way they did, at least to her universe as it stood right now. Her world was in chaos and Al had contemplated not giving them to her, but he knew the type of cop she was, she needed all the details. The good the bad and the ugly, she needed to know and that's what made her a damn good cop. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know Al. Perhaps it's not a good idea." She looked up at the sky, for once it was clear and she could see the stars, something that she loved to do but it was not giving her any comfort or answers.
"I honestly don't think you believe that."
"I don't know what to think. Al, this is all too much." Kim breathed out slowly. "He's been gone for so long and I put him in my past. He was just this painful memory that I only let out a couple of times a year. I locked him away, I had to, it hurt too much. I can't believe he's alive."
"What about Oliver?"
"What about him? He thinks his father is dead. How do I tell him that I lied to him for all his life?"
"You didn't lie to him Kim, you thought, we all thought he was dead."
"I can't hurt him Al, he's been through so much lately. I want to protect him. What if I tell him and he doesn't want to know him and disappears again? What if he comes back and decides it's too hard? What if he has a family and doesn't want to know Oliver? What if it destroys his family like Michelle destroyed yours?" Al could see that she'd been thinking about it, hell he doubted she thought about anything else but he'd seen Adam, he'd spoken to him and he knew how alone in the world he was, there was no family except the one he didn't know he had. Adam wouldn't walk away not if he knew about Oliver but if he didn't know about him and if he thought Kim was happy with her life he would. Al wasn't going to let that happen.
"You need to tell Adam, he's got no-one Kim. He's alone. Of all the people in the world, right now he only has me." That had struck Al, how alone he was. For the second time in his life he had walked away from everything and everyone he'd known. That takes its toll on a man and Al saw it etched on his face and in his body language. He was close to breaking.
Why did Al have to tell her that? "How can I live with myself if I tell him and he doesn't want anything to do with Oliver? If I know his father was alive and still walked away it would break my heart. I couldn't look Oliver in the eye knowing that he was out there and didn't care."
"Can you look him in the eye and continue to let him think that he's dead when he's not?" Al pressed hard. "Can you live with that?"
Agony did not even come close to the look on Kim's face and for the second time that night Al caught her when she crumbled "No."
"So, what do we do?"
"Who else knows?"
"Voight, that's it."
"Can we keep it this way, just until I figure it out? I just need a couple of days." Of course Al would have told Voight. She was sure they'd chewed over this for hours. Voight had always carried the burden of this case; it was one that never left him. Every time he saw Oliver she could see it eating away at him. He was a father who had lost his only son, Oliver was a son who had never had known his real father. Those things stayed with you and it was his one regret when he retired, that he couldn't tell them why.
"A couple of days.' He nodded "Adam is desperate Kim. He wants to see you. He wants to see his parents."
"Not yet, Al. I need some time."
"Do you at least want to talk to him? I can call him?" Al reached for his phone.
"No." she responded flatly.
There was not a chance in hell she was getting even one moment of sleep. Every time she closed her eyes Adam loomed large. It had been so long since she'd felt his presence and at one point she did close her eyes and try and imagine if she could feel him. She lost herself in him again, his touch, his kiss, his smile and just him filling her space again. It was fleeting, but he was there again.
Kim flicked through one of the many photo books she had of Oliver. The fact he had always reminded her of Adam had comforted her and now it scared her. Suddenly he had stopped just reminding her of his father, it was now the images staring back at her where Adam. "Oh god." She sobbed. It felt like her heart was being ripped apart again. This couldn't be happening.
In the middle of the night she stood with the box in her hands and it felt heavier all of a sudden. Years ago she felt she could barely lift it but as time passed it became lighter and less of a burden of grief. Tonight it felt like a dead weight and she couldn't open it and replaced it back in its original spot.
Checking on Daisy, who was sleeping soundly she pushed open the door to Oliver's room. Stepping inside she scanned the room, looking for something, anything to comfort her. Sitting on the edge of his bed she smoothed her hand over his pillow. "Oh sweet boy. I don't know what to do, I don't know what is best for you."
She ended up curled up on his bed and that's where Daisy found her, the last time she looked at the clock it was almost 5am and it was now just after 6am. Daisy was always an early bird but would've come into her room looking for her to climb into bed. "Why are you sleeping on Ollie's bed? Did you miss him?" she asked.
"I did. Silly me." Kim smiled painfully and asked Daisy for a cuddle.
"I miss Ollie too. Why are you still sad Mom?"
"Just thinkin' Darlin." It slipped off her tongue and Kim gasped. It was a term of endearment that she rarely used. "So, breakfast?"
"I am quite hungry." Kim couldn't help herself, she laughed. Daisy came out with the strangest things sometimes but it was just what she needed right now and she threw herself into being Daisy's mom.
Kim's breath hitched in her throat when a car pulled into her driveway and Oliver jumped out. He waved happily at his friend and she could hear him calling out to his friend and thanking Joey's parents. Her legs felt like dead weights as she propelled herself outside to thank them for dropping him off and make sure Oliver had been the perfect house guest. He always was, he was very unproblematic and polite boy and all his friend's parents loved having him.
When Oliver turned and smiled at her as they walked back towards the house Kim felt like she was suddenly breathing underwater.
That damn smile.