This chapter wasn't in the original story, so I've slotted it back in here. It's a long one, and I have expanded on it from its original version as a bonus chapter. Hope you enjoy it, it's a bit emotional.

It was hard to get her head around sometimes, how quickly he could fall. As well as Adam learning how to be a Dad, Kim was learning how to manage having him in her life and in her son's life when sometimes he barely managed to function on any level. Lola's death had rattled him and he tried to hold it together but it had knocked him way off course.

Adam had been right though, what they had right now wasn't balanced, he was taking and not giving her anything. Everything he had in him was going towards Oliver and she was okay with that at the moment. Kim kept telling him she had faith in him and was willing to do whatever it took to bring him back to a position where he could start really living again but some days she worried that it would eventually break her as well.

Her life had been chaotic for a long time and it was exhausting. Getting up some days was hard when all she wanted to do was stay in bed, pull the covers over her head and pretend that nothing else existed. No kids that needed her constantly, no ex-husband and his relentless interference and Adam, an emotionally damaged man. Throw in an intense job that required that every moment she was on the job she was focussed and that took a lot of energy.

She had one day where Oliver had gone away fishing with Adam, Daisy was with her Dad and Kim stayed in bed all day, she turned off her phone, kept the curtains closed and just slept. It helped, but wasn't enough.

By the time Adam and Oliver got home, followed by Daisy it felt like she'd never had a moment to herself. Adam was quiet through dinner and left straight afterwards and it reminded her that they had a long way to go still.

He was trying, Oliver was excitedly telling him about the father and son meet and greet BBQ after his next training session and that he wanted Adam to come. Adam promised Oliver that he'd be there but Kim saw the look of panic on his face. She asked him if he was okay and he blew her off but then watched him fall apart slowly over the next few days.

Kim grabbed her phone as it rang, she was desperately trying to finish the case notes and file it so she could get out of here. Ollie and Daisy were with Janet and she planned to pick them up and grab some burgers and chill out of watch a movie with them. She had told Adam that his mother was having the kids after school and often he would go over and see them but today he just sent her one word back. 'okay' and that was it.

"Hi Al."

"Kim, you busy?"

"Just finishing off some case notes and then I've got to get the kids."

"Can you swing by?"

"Why? Is Adam okay?"

"No. He's not." This wasn't completely out of the blue. He'd been spiralling and they had both noticed it. He had refused to talk to Kim a couple of times and had cancelled plans to meet Atwater for a drink and was non-committal to his plans to go to Oliver's ice-hockey training on the weekend even though he had promised to come to the BBQ. He'd been ecstatic when Ollie asked him to go so it was a little perplexing and she desperately tried to hide it from Oliver. One thing was for certain she would fight him to the death if he thought letting Oliver down was even an option. She had talked to Al and he promised to keep an eye on him and call her if he was worried.

He was worried. Adam hadn't come out of his room all day. He had tried to talk to him but he just closed his eyes and either ignored him until he left or told him to leave.

Kim knocked softly on his door and when he didn't answer she went in anyway and sat on the edge of his bed. Adam was lying flat on his back, arm over his eyes and she could tell by his breathing that he wasn't asleep. "Hey." She whispered softly.

"Al called you?"

"He did. He was worried about you. I am worried about you."

"Don't be." He sounded a little resigned to the fact that she wasn't leaving until they talked. That at least was progress as far as Kim was concerned, Adam knew she wasn't giving up on him so he had to talk to her because she would just wait him out.

"Because lying in bed all day in a dark room is completely normal." Kim nudged him gently. She wasn't budging.

"You did it last weekend." He argued and he was technically right.

"I did, it was the first day I had completely to myself in nine years. Somehow I know this is not the same though is it?" He'd try this, to make it about something else in the hope that Kim would get side-tracked

"I'm tired."

"And?"

"And what?"

Kim knew she was pushing him, he'd asked her to, to push him when he wanted to shut down. It was all well and good to say that when things were good and now they weren't he wanted to take it back and be left alone to wallow, but she wasn't taking a backwards step. "Anxious, depressed, scared, nervous."

"All of the above."

"Do you know why?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want to talk to me about it? Or do you just want me to sit here with you so you can breathe?"

"Can you just sit here?" So Kim just sat next to him with her hand on his chest in the dark of his bedroom and listened to him breathe and waited because she knew that at some point he wouldn't be able to handle the silence anymore.

"How's Oliver?" He eventually spoke.

"He's had a good week. He's looking forward to seeing you tomorrow."

It was the long slow shaky breath followed by the .."I don't know…." That told Kim all she needed to know.

"No Adam, please don't do this. He's been talking about it all week. It's father/son day, please just do this for him? Please don't let him down."

"I'm trying, but I am…" his voice was as shaky and uncertain as his breathing. "…I can't control this." He held up his hand and she could see how much it was shaking. Kim reached for it and held it in her hands for a moment before lying it on his chest and covering his hand with hers.

"Why? What happened?"

"I don't know."

"Okay. What can I do?"

He was quiet again and Kim found it hard to wait, she wanted to claw at him and get him to talk but that wouldn't achieve anything.

Suddenly he launched into a long rambling story and Kim just had to listen and try and follow along. He didn't need her to speak. "I got this message one day, from my handler. I hadn't heard from him for about a year. I blew him off for about three months I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I'd just settled down again and was starting to do my thing, form a relationship and thought 'this time Paul, this time you need to stick it out and make it work, you can't keep running'. Anyway this guy just kept calling so I met him and he told me I had a choice to make."

"And it reminded you of that other choice didn't it? The one that wasn't really a choice?"

"Yep, this wasn't much of a choice either but for a different reason. He told me they were letting me go." He picked up Kim's hand and played with her fingers for a moment. "I thought fuck, what now? And then I thought right; this is it I am on my own now. Up until then it was just this little link to my past, when I was with him I could actually be Adam and if they were letting me go then that meant it was all over, for Adam as least. He really was dead now." He chuckled. "Then he told me I could be Adam again if I wanted or I could stay Paul."

"I am glad you chose Adam."

"That's it though Kim I was quick to say I wanted to be Adam but then later on for a moment I thought what am I doing? 'Adam is dead.' And I could finally put this all behind me and perhaps I could start to make a future for Paul and then I thought about you." He opened his eyes and saw her tears. "Please don't cry Kim."

"I'm trying."

"I had to hear you say those words." Adam stopped for a moment as his mind jumped around. "You know one thing I can never forgive myself for doing is not saying goodbye to you."

"You didn't know."

"No, when I took that undercover job, I just left, I didn't say goodbye to you because I was a gutless coward and I never forgave myself for that, never. I can't."

"I forgive you." Kim simply told him. "I forgive you Adam. It doesn't matter now."

"It does matter, to me and I promise you I will never leave without saying goodbye again."

"You aren't leaving."

"No, not like that, even when I leave your house or whatever. I promise never not to say goodbye."

"Okay."

"I need you to understand that, how much that weighed on me, even when I was still on that case, before they killed me. I hated myself for that."

"Adam, it was so long ago. I want you to let that go, because you know what, if I'd been in your position I would've done the same thing. We were in this strange place, we were hurting each other because we loved each other and were scared of how much. What we were doing wasn't healthy but it was us and it was always right in the moment and look what it bought us."

"Did you hate me for leaving without a goodbye?"

"Yes." She answered honestly.

"Do you still hate me?"

"No. I never hated you Adam, I hated things you did, but I never hated you. You lived a whole life on your own, never letting go of your past. I lived a whole life pretending that I wasn't still in love with my ghost." Kim touched his cheek lightly and Adam looked at her. "I love this world now that you are in it."

Adam sighed and closed his eyes while feeling the calmness of her touch and letting it filter through him. "I feel like I have no control over anything at the moment." He changed the subject.

"You do."

"What? Oliver is this thing that I can't control, or slow down or whatever."

"Explain that to me."

"It's just this unstoppable force, and I love it but some days it just overwhelms me. I don't want to fuck it up or him. I can't explain it, I don't understand it."

"Let me talk for a bit." This she had learned calmed him down. Just listening to her talk especially about Oliver. "I remember the first time Oliver met Steve. We'd been dating a couple of months. I thought, at the time that it was the right thing to do and the fact Steve agreed made me think he got it. I had told him early on that I wasn't ready to introduce him to Oliver because I didn't want to parade people through his life. I'd been on dates before, not good ones and a couple that I liked. One in particular that I thought maybe this might be something until I told him about Oliver and that was the last I heard from him. Steve was different, he asked about him and was happy to wait to meet him."

"I don't know if listening to your dating stories is going to help me."

"Just listen." Kim chuckled. "Anyway I finally invited him over one night and Oliver was there. He was a little shy, he clung to me like a barnacle and I thought it was cute. Steve didn't mind and he was patient and sweet with him but I sat down just the other day and thought about the differences. I know he was only two and different back then but there was always something about Oliver and Steve. He rarely sought him out if he was sick or hurt, he always wanted me. And that was okay because we had this bond you know."

"You don't have to make this up to make me feel better."

"I'm not. Oliver did love Steve eventually, but it took a while and he desperately wanted to make him happy, but that was it Adam he was always trying to make him happy. He wanted to know, especially towards the end what he had to do to make Steve love him. He tried so hard. When Daisy was born, I remember the day Steve bought him into the hospital to meet Daisy, he picked up the baby and completely ignored Oliver. I had to ask him to let Oliver meet her. When she came home he was always telling him off for making too much noise, for waking her up and if Oliver was holding her he constantly told him to be careful, not to hurt her. He didn't trust Oliver with Daisy."

Kim sighed. "One day they were playing together and Daisy had just learnt to sit up by herself and Oliver was playing with her and she was laughing, they both were, it was so cute. I will show you the video one day, they are so happy together and then the end..." She smiled, that video of them laughing was the cutest thing but she had deleted the last part because it didn't end well and it just made her feel such sadness, when it should be about the two of them laughing together because that was beautiful. "Anyway, they were playing and Oliver took her toy and hid it and Daisy squealed and she fell back and bumped her head and Steve lit into Oliver. He was so heartbroken. He loved Daisy, he still does."

"He does, he talks about her a lot. I think it's great seeing him and Daisy together, I never had that, that sibling thing."

"Then there is you. He loves you and that all happened so quickly and easily and now I think about it, it's amazing. Oliver wants to make you happy but I feel like he's not trying so hard to make you love him, he just feels it. It's been beautiful to watch, I love seeing you both together it is all I dreamt it would be. He's so happy Adam; just being with you makes him happy he's not walking on eggshells anymore. But he does worry about you and not like he worried about Steve and what he had to do to make him love him or even like him. He used to ask me why Steve doesn't like him anymore and that broke my heart and I couldn't explain it to him and why should I? Only once, that first day you met did he ask if you liked him but that was nerves, it was such a big thing for him. He worries about how he can help you get better."

"I don't want him to worry about me."

"Too bad Adam, he does worry because he loves you and loves having you in his life."

She saw the faintest hint of smile in his eyes. He could never hide the joy of being Oliver's Dad "I love being in his life."

"Good, because that's where you are going to stay but perhaps it's time to talk to him about this."

"About what?"

"This Adam, Your anxiety and your mental health. Why some days are a struggle for you."

"I can keep these from him. I don't want to scare him."

"Well it scares me, I worry about you and I worry about Oliver. He notices these things and just wants to know what to do to help you. I think it would be good for him to know, we can trust him with this and give him that stability and trust. Hiding it from him is not working."

"I'm scared it will push him away. I don't want to be a burden to him or to you."

"Adam, you are not a burden. You are here and I never thought I'd see you again and if we had a choice between doing everything we can to help you or not having you I know what we choose. We choose you Adam, actually it's not really a choice, we need you. Oliver wants you in his life and so do I, so let's work out the best way to do this." Kim implored him. "I've lived his whole life without you, I want to live the rest of his life with you in it."

He agreed to think about it and promised to not blow off tomorrow. "Do you want me to come pick you up?"

"No, I need to do this myself. I need to make myself not let him down."

"This is not like all those other times Adam, I know you feel anxious about making choices and have had to make some terrible choices in the past but being in Oliver's life is not a choice, it's your life now and I have faith in you." She kissed his forehead softly, Kim was starting to do this more often, just soft, short reassuring kisses. She kept needing a connection to him. "I believe in you Adam."

Adam was there, smiling broadly before his training started the next day. Oliver bounded up to him and dragged him down the meet his coach. Kim watched them and loved how effortless Adam made it look. He seemed determined to make sure that Oliver didn't realise how much he was struggling. He came and sat with Kim during the short game they played. "How are you today?" It was the first time he grabbed her hand and hung onto it, for no other reason than to keep him steady.

"Happy to be here with Oliver and you." She hung around a little while after the game and made sure that they were both good and left them to it. Oliver wanted it, he wanted to spend the day with his Dad, he wanted his Dad to meet his friends Dad's because he thought that they could become his friends too. He didn't see that Adam might struggle, he just wanted to show off his Dad and make him happy.

He called Kim late that night, he'd dropped Oliver off earlier and declined to stay for dinner. He made up some excuse that he was catching up with some old academy buddies for a beer. It wasn't a lie, he was supposed to be meeting some old friends but he blew that off also. The day had taken too much out of him. "Tomorrow can I come over and talk to Oliver?"

"Of course you can."

"Can you stay? I want to talk about all this."

She knew what he meant by 'all this'. "Yes. Are you sure? Are you ready?"

"No, not at all but I need to do it. Today was tough, I loved being with Oliver but he wants me to be someone I don't think I can be. I'm not like those other Dad's, not yet. I want to be but its too soon Kim."

"That's okay Adam, I think if you talk to him about it he will understand. He just wants you here in his life, he really enjoyed today. He talked about it all night."

"I don't blame him Kim, not at all. It was really sweet what he was doing, it was just a bit too much."

"Then we will talk to him tomorrow, together." Kim added. "I am really proud of you Adam."

"Mom, Adam's here." Oliver called out. She had been a bit jittery all morning waiting for him to come over. They had decided not to tell Oliver he was coming in case he changed his mind. Even though Kim pushed him to do this and thought it was the right thing it was still up to Adam whether they told Oliver or not.

"Come and sit down Buddy." She grabbed his hand and led him into the lounge. "We want to talk to you."

Adam started cautiously. "Did you enjoy yesterday?"

"I did. Did you?"

"I really did. It was nice to meet your friends and some other Dads." He sat next to Kim and reached over her to pat Oliver's knee. "Can I talk to you about something?"

Oliver nodded and held his Mom's hand tightly. "You aren't leaving are you?"

Adam shook his head. "No Oliver, I'm not going anywhere. I love being here but you do know it's not easy for me some days."

"Why?"

"Oliver all those years I wasn't here, they were tough, really tough and things happened, some of those things weren't very nice and I hurt people that didn't deserve to be hurt, including your Mom. I was told I had to leave everything and everyone I loved and never see them again and I didn't even get to say goodbye and that's not a nice thing to have happen and for a long time I had to pretend I was someone else, not being able to even find out if your Mom was okay was really hard. I really struggle with that some days." Adam was honest, perhaps too honest. He was making it sound like he did some awful things but as far as Kim was concerned being scared to fall in love and let go of your past wasn't awful, but she knew it had been painful for him.

"But you didn't mean it. You didn't want to hurt Mom."

"No I didn't, I never wanted to hurt your Mom. I didn't want to hurt anyone."

"Oliver, you know how sometimes you get nervous and worried about things. You feel a little out of control and don't know how to fix it or stop yourself getting upset?" Kim waited until Oliver nodded. "That's called anxiety and it feels very real and frightening sometimes. Sometimes Adam feels like that."

"But you help me feel better when I am scared like that, you can help Adam feel better too." He looked from his Mom to Adam and back to his Mom again. "I can help."

"Of course you can help, you are helping. Everyday. There are lots of people who want to help Adam through this, and we will." Kim reassured him. "And that's a good thing."

"Okay."

Adam had just watched Oliver's panic and he hated that. "It's not always as easy though Oliver, it takes me a little time some days. I may need to be alone, I may need to go away for a few hours, or a day or perhaps..."

"You can't leave." Oliver burst into tears. "I don't want you to leave." He was hysterical and climbing over his Mom to hang onto Adam. Both of them held onto him trying to comfort him and get him to calm down and listen. "Please don't go."

"Oliver, I'm not going anywhere."

"You're my Dad, please stay. You just got here." Oliver sobbed.

Adam was starting to freak out; Kim could feel him beside her. He was spinning, he wasn't sure he was ready to talk to Oliver and tell him about his mental health challenges but Kim was right, Oliver was going to worry and they needed to explain this to him. Fearing that he was about to get up and leave Kim grabbed his hand to hold him steady as she pushed Oliver deeper into Adam's arms. The worse thing Adam could do right now was try and leave, it would just reinforce Oliver's fears. He clung to his Dad for dear life. They needed each other and Kim had to show both of them how much.

"Oliver, I promise you I am not going away. I am here talking to you today, with your Mom because I want you to know how much I love you and I want to stay here and be your Dad. I want you to help me though my bad days. Can you help me?"

"Tell me what to do?"

"Exactly what you are doing. We are having fun aren't we? We are just going to keep doing this."

"I want to help, I will try harder."

"You don't need to try harder Ollie." Adam reassured him. "But on those days I feel bad I want to be able to say to you that I don't feel so great just so you know and don't worry."

"What if I do something wrong? What if I make you sad? What if it's my fault?"

"Nothing about this is your fault Oliver." Kim rubbed his back softly. "It's not anything you do or me or even anything Adam does, sometimes it just happens. I know they talk to you at school about mental health."

"But those people kill themselves." He cried painfully. "You can't die again."

Adam felt all the air leave his lungs. It was brutal but one thing resonated with him that he didn't expect, that he hadn't felt for such a long time. That someone else's pain was greater than his own. It felt like a turning point in his life.

"Not all the time Oliver. Sometimes that does happen but that's not what this is about. I don't feel like that at all, I love being here with you and your Mom too much and Daisy too." Adam's voice was shaking and he was beside himself; he never wanted it to go in this direction. Even when he was at his lowest, living the life of someone he hated he never thought about ending it all. That felt like the coward's way out and he'd made his bed and had to lie in it. This was his punishment and as painful as it was he'd rather live it than give in. "I talk to you every day and I always will, that helps me. Can we keep doing that?"

"I can, I promise to call you every day." Oliver responded desperately.

"And, about today. I loved coming with you today and it was nice meeting your friend's Dads but Ollie I really don't like talking about why I wasn't here. Not to strangers, it's hard enough talking to your Mom about it so while I want to be part of your life, right now I need to keep that to ourselves. Does that make sense? Just for a little while."

"Okay." He didn't really understand but he would do anything they asked him at the moment. He had obviously told some of his friends about his Dad so when Adam was meeting some of them they had asked about the case and what witness protection was really like. It was too much and too confronting and Adam had really struggled to keep a smile on his face.

"Is there anything else you want to ask us?" Kim wiped away her own tears as well as her son's. He was still leaning on Adam and it was sweet to see him hold his Dad's hand. "You know you can talk to me or Adam at any time. You can also talk to Pops or Al, they understand how hard this is for your Dad. If you feel more comfortable talking to them that's okay but we'd really like you to talk to us. That's why we wanted to tell you today so you know and understand what's going on and we want you to feel safe and that it's okay to talk to us if you are worried."

"Can you stay here today Dad?" Oliver looked at his Dad. "I want to know you are okay."

"No place I'd rather be." Adam relaxed a little. "How about we go out and do something fun?"

"No, I want to stay home with you and Mom." It probably bought Adam and Kim closer together than they were prepared for. They watched a movie together, Oliver was wedged in between them and Adam rested his head on Kim's shoulder while Oliver's was tucked up underneath his chin and after the emotional carnage the morning thrust upon them spending the day at home was the best thing they did. Oliver needed to feel safe and he felt safe here with his parents.

They did have some fun though, they played twister. Adam had told him that he used to play it with Kim all the time, he left out the naked part but the way Kim blushed he knew she remembered and he just winked at her. Oliver had jumped up and dragged it out of the cupboard before Kim could protest.

Having Adam so close was a confusing mix of pleasure and pain. Oliver was oblivious though, he just laughed when Adam pretended to fall and take Kim down with him so that she was lying on top of him. He closed his eyes momentarily and dreamed of times long past when this was just the beginning.

The sweetest moment came though when Adam was just sitting quietly while Kim was making dinner. It had been an emotional day but they'd done it and in the wash up it felt like he was carrying one less heavy burden on his own. It was a little confusing the power Kim had over him, the ability to get him back in balance, to pull him up when he needed saving. He didn't want to rely on her but he had too, if he wanted to make this work he needed all the help he could get.

And then this boy; this incredible little boy who was such a big part of his crazy life just hit him between the eyes. He slipped his arms around Adam's neck from behind. "I love you Dad. I'm glad you came back, I'm glad you are my Dad."

"Oh Oliver, you have no idea." He took a deep steadying breath while his son rested his head on his shoulder and he held his hands tightly against his chest. "I love you too. More than I think you know."