A/N: Thank you so much for all your enthusiastic reviews! I told you I had Chapter 7 done! So… Go me!
 
Disclaimer: Don't own anything, but since they stopped showing IAHB on Disney, I might as well… *looks around to ensure scary Disney lawyers aren't watching* They're MINE! HAHAHAHA!  (Yeah right, come on people.)
 
Chapter 7
 
Loser
 
 
In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
Butane in my veins and I'm out to cut the junkie
With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables
Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (which is to say, back at Val's house) Attention had shifted towards a heated videogame face off going on between Tyler and Nick. Now, given the fact that Tyler had defeated all of them one by one, and that he was their babysitter, a large majority of the cheering was for Nick; though in reality, the "cheering" simply consisted of criticism. Very loud, unconstructive criticism.

            "Nick! Roll out the red carpet for him why don't you! Straight to the endzone! I mean, come on, DEFENSE!" Mark cried despondently, covering his eyes with his hands to block out the image of Tyler's players plowing right through Nick's carefully constructed defense.

            "Will you stop yelling! It's messing up the positive forces set forth by the feng shui of the living room!" Brooke shouted angrily, as she and her friends (who'd gotten bored by the video games, and, as a result, set forth rearranging the furniture according to the recommendations given in Val's latest issue of Cosmo) inched a table out into the middle of the hallway.

            "You know, Val's going to make you put everything back as soon as she walks through the front door and trips over that potted plant." Geoff commented sagely, through a mouthful of popcorn. "Oh, and Nick, he's going to run right through the center." He added, just as Tyler, true to form, did exactly that and got his team another 10 yards closer to the end zone. 

Kill the headlights and put it in neutral
Stock car flamin' with a loser and the cruise control
Baby's in Reno with the vitamin D 
Got a couple of couches- sleep on the love-seat

            "Nick!" Mark screamed. "Your defense has got more holes in it than your freakin' head!" Not knowing how else to demonstrate his displeasure, he tossed a handful of Skittles at his losing friend. The hard, multicolored candies rebounded off of the television screen (and Nick's head- which wasn't as hole-y as Mark made it out to be, considering a lot of them bounced off rather than going right through) and scattered all over.

            "Hey! You're going to have to clean those!" Tyler barked indignantly, only to be met with a host of wide, blank stares. "I said clean those! Now!" Geoff obligingly picked one or two off of the floor and popped them into his mouth, sending the others into a fit of snickers. "Oh, yeah, you think that's funny? Well, you know what? Ha, ha, HA!" and with the final "Ha" Tyler switched the Playstation, as well as the television, off, rousing loud cries of protest from both Mark and Nick. Mark and Nick were the only ones who did suffer from this though; Geoff- who was neither playing nor coaching- simply shrugged and continued to eat candy off the floor, while the girls were too busy trying to heave the couch about ten centimeters to the right so that it would face the northeastern corner rather than the counter-productive southwestern one.

            "Right, so, just a little bit more, and then we can talk about lamp relocation." Brooke said, panting with the effort it took to shift the oversized sofa. Tyler sat himself stubbornly on the couch with the hope that the addition of his weight would discourage any further movement.

{Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?}

"Brooke, stop moving the furniture."

            "Why? It's my house." She answered haugtily, throwing herself against the arm of the sofa in a futile attempt to move it the desired 2 centimeters.

            "Well, your sister wouldn't like it. And it's her house too." He countered, winning the argument, and, at the same time providing himself with a whole new subject of worry. Where was Val? "Where's Val?" he asked the now grumbling group of pre-teens.                  

            "Last I heard, she was out getting us food and entertainment, which pushes her about ten notches above you on my Christmas card priority list." Mark replied coldly, still disgruntled at the loss of his videogame. Tyler ignored his frosty commentary in lieu of his worry for Val.

            "That was 45 minutes ago. She should have been back by now." He worried, more for his own sake than anyone else's. Voicing this information gave him an excuse to fret- and fret he would. In his mind he was already drawing up about a million different ways in which a girl like Val could wind up in trouble- up to, and including, abduction and subsequent brainwashing by fundamentalist cult…

Uh-oh, he shouldn't have thought of that one, cause even though part of his mind knew the improbability of a cult even existing in the one-church town of Kingsport, and even then the further unlikelihood of said imaginary cult singling out the one girl he happened to have a crush on and making plans to kidnap her on the night of her sister's slumber party- another part of his mind could already envision her wandering around LA in a tunic, shaking a tambourine and selling flowers for donations- and that was the part of his brain that he was paying more attention to. "You guys sit tight while I find out where Val went." He said in that classic "I'm-going-to-save-the-day-whether-or-not-it-needs-saving" action hero style.

            "Check it out guys! The mayor must have flashed the bat signal or something, `cause away he goes! Babysitter AWAY!" Brooke cried, sending her friends into a fit of giggles.

            "I don't think Val needs any rescuing." Nicole added rationally. "What with Jamie accompanying her and all." Tyler froze mid-step down the front entrance hallway (literally froze- his foot actually stopped in midair) and did a complete 180.

            "J-Jamie's with her?" he choked out. "Jamie Waite? That Jamie?"

            "Yeah, you know, tall, dark, handsome… Works with you at EMS, but dresses sorta better?" Brooke teased, rousing a collective sigh of admiration to rise from her host of girl friends. Tyler scowled.

            "Now I know we're not talking about the same person." he began "Because the Jamie I know is neither tall, nor handsome, and has a head that resembles a cactus- with the IQ to match." The girls stared at him in open-mouthed anger, too shocked at his rudeness to squeal out a reply as he chuckled for a few minutes at his own joke. "Now, can you tell me what Rebel-Without-A-Clue is doing with your sister?" he asked again, a tad bit less frustrated.

Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me? 
(get crazy with the cheeze whiz) 
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me? 
(drive-by body-pierce)

"Well, let's see… we walked, we talked... we did all those crazy little things that lovers do…" Jamie announced, singing the last line and balancing 3 pizzas, 2 DVD's and, most importantly, the beaten looking jacket in stack as he walked down the front entrance hallway. Tyler let out an aggravated puff of air and rolled his eyes.

            "Who invited him?" he grumbled, "And what kind of ironic timing is it to have him come into the house at the exact same moment that I'm asking about his whereabouts- thus giving him yet another opportunity to be a smart ass, and leaving myself open for the inevitable roasting that's about to come?"

            "The fates declared that you were to be majorly worked tonight- can we help it if we've been selected as the tools with which you are to be karmic-ly smoked?" Geoff answered, showing what Jamie thought to be an astounding amount of wisdom for a 7th grader.

            "And smoke him we shall, By God!" the rebel said with grand resolution. "So, what's the news Mr. Mom?" he asked the irritated blonde cheerfully.

            "Where's Val?" Tyler growled in reply- the only one to notice that there was a distinct lack of blonde cheerleader in the room… unless you counted that time that he was forced to participate in last years powder puff football game, where he was forced to- all right… there was one blonde cheerleader in the room, but it sure wasn't Val, and that was what he was focusing on at the moment.

            "Val who?" Jamie replied innocently, biding his time as he racked his brain for anything resembling a plan. Tyler let out what he thought to be another menacing growl, causing Jamie to smirk and Brooke to stifle a giggle before she and her friends retreated into the living room with their goodies.

            "Chill Wolf Boy, Val didn't come home with me."

            "Yes, I got that the moment you burst your irresponsible butt in here without her. Now for the one million dollar question- Where, may I ask, is she?"

            "She's at `Le Monde, sitting her pretty self at an outdoor table and waiting for her date." Was the careless response that caused the blood pressure in Tyler's brain to rise to near seizure levels.

            "Date?" He ground out. "Who's she going out with? How could you let this- I'll KILL YOU!" He cried, lunging at the dark-hair teen, who had to quickly bolt to the other side of the kitchen table for safety.

            "Yes, I left so that she could go out with a guy that she really liked- A jock strap by the name of Tyler Connell, heard of him?" Jamie yelled as Tyler sprinted around the table after him.

            "You let her go out with that jerk! How could you!" Tyler roared, still caught up in his anger. Jamie's statement hadn't completely registered until they'd done a full three laps around the kitchen, and he skidded to a halt. "Wait… what?" he asked, thoroughly bewildered. Jamie collapsed to the tiled floor, exhausted.

            "I-we-she… Val likes you. Came home to baby sit…you're an idiot…" he gasped out, still laying in a supine position on the floor.

            "But… how? I though that she liked you! I mean… she likes me? What?" Tyler muttered, still puzzled.

            "Don't like Val- stupid joke… feeling woozy…" Jamie answered, closing his eyes and resting his head on the floor. Tyler stood over him, still not getting whatever Jamie was trying to say. The rebel cracked open one eye and groaned as his gaze was met my Tyler's confused blue one looming over him. "What, you're still here? She likes you- MOVE IT!"

"Hold on! So… she likes me."

            "Yeeeeeeessssssss."

            "And… she doesn't like you?" Jamie groaned again- how this guy ever made it to honors calculus, he'd never know.

            "No… Nunca… Nien…No like-o el slacker-o."

            "Ok… now what?"

            "Now you meet her at that overpriced café and make with the sappy goodness- or you run away screaming like the moron you are- it's really your call." Tyler looked like he was going to open his mouth and say more, but Jamie was quick to cut it off. "We are one stupid question away from decorating the kitchen walls with Jamie's brain. Not pretty, quite painful- Just Leave." Silence in such a way, Tyler nodded mutely, grabbed his car keys from where he tossed them on the counter and ambled his way towards the back door- the shell shocked expression never leaving his face. "Oh, and Tyler?" Jamie called after the retreating jock. Tyler turned and faced him, already halfway out the door. Mr. Waite had finally rediscovered his strength and was propped up on his elbows, his severest glare on his face. "If you ever hurt her…" he began warningly. "If you ever hurt her I'll roll you in seaweed and feed you to your own linebacker. Big Steve likes sushi, doesn't he?" Tyler smirked

            "I understand." He answered before turning around and jogging briskly into the night.

            "Yeah, you better." Jamie murmured, specifically to nobody. Then, raising his voice he cried out in the direction of Brooke and her friends in the living room- "Guys? Hello? Slacker in distress here!" There was no answer from the preteen crew in the living room, save for a few giggles, so he called out again, louder- "COME ON GUYS! SOME ONE GET UNCLE JAMIE OFF OF THE FLOOR!"

Soy un perdedor 
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me? 
 
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A/N: Well, this was a really shotgun chapter. I just wanted it done, so if it's sucky, well, oops. I want to thank everyone for their awesome reviews, we got to 75! YAY! Can we make it to 90? 100 if we're really awesome? Hmmm… I smell a project! Pweeease review, and tell me what you think. The song, by the way, Is "LOSER" by Beck… it cracks me up, so there.

Mabuhay,

Makatibird

P.S: BTW, I know that they've stopped showing IAHB, but I hope that doesn't mean that you people aren't going to write anymore! Keep it alive people! *Holds lighter in the air* Fight the Disney Power!