Damn Amanda Rollins

This is going to be a long one, so I've broken it into 2 parts. It'll be worth it, I promise!

Chapter 6A - Ed

Her heart ached when she thought about Ed. He had been gone for 2 years now, but it was even longer since they had broken up. At his retirement party, she found out he had remarried, and she hadn't been prepared for how much that had hurt. She had been a fool to let him go. He wanted to be her husband, and a father to her child, and all he wanted was for her to hang up her shield and retire quietly with him. But, she hadn't been ready to do that. It was always about keeping her shield for her. Maybe she had missed her one chance at happiness. After all, he was the only one she had ever fully and completely bared her soul to.

She couldn't believe she was still battling this insomnia. She'd probably be sounds asleep if Rollins had just kept her little suggestion to herself.

Damn Amanda Rollins.

6 years ago…

She was TIRED. It had been one thing after another between her people getting caught up in the death of an unarmed black boy, then Rollins' sister and that whole larceny/assault case, plus the Hodda trial and the disappearing high school student at Christmas…then, of course she had her beautiful son to think about and a budding romance. So, when Ed had called her and asked her to join him for a drink, she had other ideas instead. Noah was already asleep for the night, and he gladly accepted her offer of drinks in the comfort of her living room.

"So, I was thinking…you and I…we've got a pretty good thing here, right?" She said, halfway into her second glass of red wine. She was curled on the couch with him, his arm loosely around her shoulders. It just felt *right*.

"I think so. I like being with you, and my day gets immediately better when I get to see you," he replied.

"Tomorrow's Sunday, and Noah and I have this little tradition. I turn my phone off, and we go to that little cafe by the park for pancakes, and I spend the entire morning with just him. Maybe tomorrow…you could join us?" The question hung heavy in the air. He realized the seriousness of her request. This wasn't just about a morning in the park; she wanted him to meet her son. Until now, she hadn't even let him see Noah. He was always asleep or with a sitter when they were together.

"Are you ready for that?" He asked. She tilted her face up and let her lips find his.

"It's time. He's the most important man in my life right now, but you're running a very close second."

"I would like that very much," he said honestly. He kissed her again. "Very, very much."

"Good. Then just stay here tonight. It's easier than you going back to your place and coming all the way back in the morning. Fair warning though…he's up at 6am like clockwork." Ed chuckled.

"I doubt that will be a problem, since I can't seem to manage to sleep in myself anymore." She finished her wine and poured another glass. She couldn't believe how comfortable she was in his arms, with her child asleep in the next room. It had finally happened. Olivia Benson was falling in love.

They finished their drinks, and the moment Olivia stood up, she regretted that third glass of wine. She wasn't drunk, per se, but she was a little more buzzed than she intended to be. She knew she would be find by morning. Hell, in an hour or two, the fuzziness from her head would be gone. She sent Ed ahead to her bedroom while she stopped to check on Noah. He had kicked the blankets off again, so she covered him up, stroked his hair, and whispered goodnight to him.

She slipped into a pair of comfortable light cotton pants and a baggy T-shirt and crawled into bed next to him. She settled into her pillow with her arm over his chest and closed her eyes. Ed pulled her towards him, and kissed her. It wasn't a the gently kisses like on the couch. These were deeper, more insistent, seeking more from her. She could think clearly, but her body wasn't responding as quickly as she wanted it to. There was a delay between what she wanted to do and what she actually did. She felt his hand slip under her shit and caress the skin underneath.

"Ed…" she struggled to say.

"You're always so impatient. You know I'll take care of you," he whispered into her ear, then teased the spot behind it that made her come undone.

"Nooo…." She managed, arching slightly. His hand pulled away from under her shirt, and he stopped what he was doing. It was dark, but the residual lights from the street were enough that he could see the panic across her face. He recognized the PTSD, but he didn't have a clue what triggered it.

"It's ok, Olivia. We don't have to do anything you don't want to do." He could tell she was focusing on her breathing and trying to work through the panic. "That's it…deep breaths. You're ok."

"I don't…want…." She started.

"We won't, Love. I can move to the couch, if you want," he offered. She reached out, and clutched at him.

"No, please don't leave me," she begged. His arms circled around her.

"I'm not going anywhere," he whispered to her. He held her like that until she cried everything out of her system.

He knew of her assault, and he knew she had her demons from it, but he hadn't seen them firsthand until now. She finally fell asleep in his arms without saying another word about it. The next morning, at precisely 6am, Noah cried, and she climbed out of bed to tend to him, as if nothing had ever happened.

He wouldn't ask her about it. He had promised her that. If she chose to share it, that was one thing, but she was still closed off to him where that was concerned.

A week passed before he got the call from her. He had heard over the radio that there was a hostage situation involving a fellow officer, but he had no idea it was her until she called. Him. She wanted him. She trusted him with her life.

When the hostage taker was dead, and she was stunned, but alive, he knew for sure. He was willing to do whatever he had to to protect her. All she wanted was to go home after it was over. She wanted to know where her son was, and she wanted to be home with him, so that's what he had done. He had seen that she was taken home immediately while he went back to the precinct to file the necessary paperwork.

As soon as he could, he rushed back to her apartment, wanting to take care of her. When she opened the door, he was there with a grocery bag in hand.

"What's this?" She asked.

"I thought you'd want just be with Noah, so I'm here to make dinner." She leaned against the doorframe, not sure what to make of this gesture. "Look, it's nothing fancy, just spaghetti, but I brought garlic bread and salad, and the three of us can just have a quiet night at home."

"Yeah…ok," she said, with an impish grin. She stepped aside to let him in. When he saw Noah on the floor playing with his toys, he pulled a stuffed elephant out of the bag.

"Hey, Little Man, I brought something for you, too." He gave the elephant to Noah, who seemed fascinated with it.

"I think he likes it," Olivia said.

"Wednesday nights were always Spaghetti Night when I was a kid. It was my favorite night of the week," he explained, moving through her kitchen, pulling out the tools he needed to cook.

"I like that tradition," she said. "We never had anything like that when I was a kid. Dinner was whatever ended up on the table." That night seemed so…normal. The food was good, the company was better, and dinner ended with Noah needing a bath after eating spaghetti with his fingers. But, he had liked it, and that was always progress.

And as she laid in bed with him that night, she felt safe. She loved this feeling; it was one she hadn't experienced a lot in her life. He could sense that what she needed was closeness, to feel taken care of, and so he held her, thankful she was still alive after today. There would be time for other things later.

He wasn't sure what woke up him that night, but the clock read 2:56, and he was alone in the bed. He saw a faint light from her bathroom, and he climbed out of bed, and knocked softly on the door.

"Liv?" He called. "You in there?" There was no answer from the other side of the door. "I'm coming in, ok?" He waited a moment for her to respond, and when she didn't, he slowly pushed the door open. She was curled in the corner, next to the tub, with her knees pulled up to her chest, and she was shaking. He rushed to her side, recognizing she was in the middle of a full blown flashback.

"You're ok," he told her. "I'm right here, and you're safe."

"Ed…" she grabbed onto his arm like a vice grip.

"Olivia, talk to me, Love. Please talk to me," he asked her. He wasn't sure if this was about what had happened at the townhouse or something more, but something was torturing her.

"I'm fine, Ed. I just need a minute."

"Olivia, you're on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night shaking. And last week, you practically jumped out of you skin when I touched you. Something's going on with you."

"I've had a gun to my head before, and it's never affected me like…like this," she babbled. Her eyes weren't focused; she was trying to make sense of whatever was going on in her head.

"Have you experienced that since Lewis?" He asked. She opened her mouth…then closed it. "…no."

"Ok, Love, I know what's in the file. What don't I know?" It was soft and gentle. There was nothing accusatory in his tone.

"Everything I remember is in the file," she said. Everything she remembered.

"In your statements, you said that he forced you to drink and take drugs. You were traumatized. These things come back in pieces. A smell, a sound…it may not make sense to you, but with more pieces it starts to. How did it start?"

"I don't wanna go there…." She whispered.

"We don't have to, but it may help you make sense of things." They sat in the bathroom for a long while as his words tumbled around in her brain.

"I…need help…" her voice cracked as she said the words. "It's too much."

"Ok, Love. I'm right here, ok? I've got you, no matter what. Do you want to tell me what happened? Just whatever you remember. It doesn't have to make sense." She swallowed hard.

"I had just come home. I had a bag of groceries in my hand and I put them on the counter. And then…I heard a noise."

"What kind of noise?" He asked.

"I don't know. It was…" she closed her eyes, trying to remember. "A creak. Like someone stepping on a floorboard. I called out, and…he was right there." She held her hand up next to her face indicated how close Lewis's gun had been. "My guard was down, I was home, I should have reached for my weapon, which was still on my hip-"

"There was nothing you could have done. Even if you had reached, you would have beaten his trigger squeeze. You needed to just stay alive." She closed her eyes and nodded. "What happened next?"

"He…forced me into my bedroom. There was a roll of duct tape on the corner and…pieces hanging off the dresser. He pulled my jacket off and taped my…my hands" Her breath caught as she spoke, and he reached for her hand to comfort her. "He grabbed my face, and forced a liquid down my throat."

"Vodka"

"No…well, yes, but there was something off about it…"

"There were sedatives in your system."

"That could be it. I was fuzzy pretty soon after that happened. That's where…I don't…I can't"

"Just say whatever you remember." She took a breath.

"I don't remember. I remember being on my back, he was on top of me. He smelled like…booze and stale cigarettes. And he was…in me. I couldn't move my legs. I couldn't…".

He went quiet. This wasn't in the file. There was a time and a place to ask about that, and this wasn't it. She shifted uncomfortably on the floor.

"You wanna go back to bed? It's more comfortable there." She nodded, and he let her lead the way. He took her into his arms again and held her close to him.

"Burning." She said.

"Hm?" He asked.

"I smelled burning. And pain. He started on my thighs…and then…." She closed her eyes again. "I don't remember. It just goes dark."

"What's the next thing you do remember?"

"The chair. I was tied to one of my dining room chairs. I don't remember getting there or being moved there, but I was there."

"Ok, that's good….that's good."

"I wanted to fight him."

"I"m sure you did."

"No…at that point, I wanted to fight him. By the end…I knew he was going to kill me, and I just didn't care anymore. I had been in a state of sheer terror for so long….I just wanted it to end, one way or another."

"You endured a lot. Broken ribs, fractured wrist, concussion, burns to 30-40% of your body…you must have been in agony."

"It wasn't just that. Every time he got me on my back, he climbed on top of me and brutalized me again. I needed to get out, and if the only was was death, so be it."

"Where did he take you when you left the apartment?"

"I don't know…He put me in the trunk of a car…but I was wrapped in something…"

"Your bedsheets were found in the Lincoln."

"Yeah…that feels right. It explains the yellow flowers on the fabric. I don't know how long I was there for, but it was dark when I finally saw the sky again.

"What else do you remember?"

I"m tired, Ed. I don't think I can do this anymore tonight…"

"That's fine. You might remember more after you've gotten some rest."

"Wait….Ed?"

"What, Love?

"The bathroom."

"What about the bathroom?"

"Every time I needed one, he would rape me, or…" He swallowed hard.

"Or what, Love?"

"Or…he…went….farther back." He took a long, slow breath and let it out. He pulled her closer to him, and she clutched his tank like her life depended on it.

"I'm sorry, Love. I'm so sorry. Did Cassidy know anything about this?" She hesitated for a moment, and then nodded into his chest.

"But the rape kit was…he tampered with it, didn't he…"

"I don't know. He just said he took care of it. I needed to stay in SVU, and that wouldn't have happened if they knew the truth."

"You're safe now, and I will keep you that way always. All of this stays between you and me." He felt her relax in his arms, and she slipped into a dreamless sleep. He stroked her hair, wishing he had had a chance to exact revenge on William Lewis. But for now, all he cared about was her, getting her to process those memories and recover the ones that were overwhelming her.

To Be Continued….