~ Harm~
That morning as I sat in my car, lodged somewhere in the middle of a three mile traffic-jam, I came to the realization that I, Harmon Rabb Jr., am an idiot. It's true, I had made not one good decision in the past 10 years. I'd been in numerous failed relationships and two plane crashes. I had nearly let the only woman I'd ever loved marry someone else, all the while being too selfish and afraid to tell that I love her.
When I was a kid, I never would have thought that I would one day be a forty year old lawyer living alone in an apartment with no family of my own. sure, I had solved a few cases, taken a few scars, caught a few bad guys. But still, there I was, in the middle of that traffic jam, with that one frozen and tormenting thought in the back of my head, telling me over and over, 'Your life has no meaning.' I tried to push the thought from my mind, but even as I arrived at Mac's apartment building, slight traces of doubt haunted my mind.
" maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis." I thought out loud to myself as I absently stepped onto the elevator.
" nah, you don't seem like the type." Came a familiar voice from behind me.
I turned in surprise as Mac stepped in to the elevator following me. " Mac, " I said, startled. She was grinning whimsically at me, dressed casually in a black halter -top and jeans. "You look great." I added approvingly.
" thanks." she said laughing, " you okay?"
" oh yes, fine. as always." I said, somewhat embarrassed she had caught me talking to myself.
" what's this about a 'mid-life crisis'?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow at me in curiosity.
" oh, it's nothing. Just, you know... thinking about things."
she nodded. " well, that's good. that you... think about things." she smiled up at me. For a moment I was staring into her eyes, simply captivated by her beauty, thinking about how much I loved her and unsure of what to say.
Her smile faded and she glanced up at me in uncertainty as I stepped closer to her.
" Mac, I..." I began to speak, but was interrupted as we arrived at her floor and the elevator doors snapped open. An elderly woman and a tall maintenance worker stood at the other side of the door, peering in at us, waiting for us to step off the elevator.
I let out a sigh, and Mac smiled wistfully, " This would be our stop." she said lightly, stepping out of the elevator. " Hello Mrs. Peterson." she nodded at the elderly lady.
' what just happened here?' I thought to myself as I followed her to her apartment door.
" Would you like some coffee?" she asked as we stepped inside.
" yes, please, that sounds great." I said, plopping down on her sofa as she rattled around in the kitchen. "so how are all of the preparations going for the mission?" I asked.
" pretty well, we were up somewhat late last night getting background information together, but we have it all tied away." she said, coming out of the kitchen, handing me a cup of coffee.
I nearly spilt the hot liquid in my lap as I heard a door opening, and a freshly showered, cleanly shaven Clayton webb stepped out of the bathroom.
" good morning Clay. Coffee?" Mac asked him sweetly.
" Sure." he said. " hello Rabb." he nodded at me.
I was stunned for a moment. " what the hell are you doing here?" I asked, trying to contain my anger as a spiteful rage began rising in my chest.
" I stayed the night." he said casually. " Mac didn't tell you?"
" No she didn't." I said in infuriation as she handed Webb his coffee.
" So should we get started then?" she shrugged calmly.
I clenched my jaw, and stood there rigidly, trying to push away all of the hurt and anger I was feeling at that moment .
Mac looked at me, and concern filled her eyes as she caught my pained expression. "Is everything okay?" she asked in confusion.
" I don't know," I said, failing to withhold the pained resonance from my voice. " are you sure that 'background information' is all you two were up late doing last night?!" I yelled angrily.
Mac was startled, and she looked at Webb in confusion, then at me, and a sudden realization donned on her expression. "oh no, Harm. Look, Clay passed out from exhaustion in the office last night. We were the only two left at JAG, and I didn't know where he was staying so I brought him home with me. I let him sleep here, I took the couch. That's it." she said.
Clay tilted his head at me, " oh, you thought that we... " he smiled foolishly, " sorry for the miscommunication." he chuckled lightly.
Mac shook her head and looked away from me, " So you just assumed that I would..."
I instantly regretted my reaction. " no, Mac. It's just.... Christ, I'm so sorry. I feel like such an ass." I tried to reconcile, but I could tell she had been hurt by my insinuations.
" no, it's fine. We should really start discussing the mission." she said, trying to sound nonchalant, but I could tell that I had struck a nerve. She still wouldn't look at me.
Mac, Webb, and I prepared for the mission all day. We went over hundreds of records, maps, and files. We discussed every worst-case scenario, every 'what happens when' and " what if they', we could think of, but even after we seemed to know everything we should know about the operation, I was still frightened that something would go wrong. This was the most dangerous and involved task that Mac and I would ever be involved in, and we wouldn't even really be together. For once, she would be the undercover investigator, she would be the one in danger. I would be the one watching from the sidelines, I would be the one with absolutely no control over the situation. Maybe that's what I was so afraid of. More than anything, I was afraid of losing control.
" What happens if my cover gets blown?" Mac asked softly. I looked to Webb for an answer, but he seemed slightly taken off guard by the question. There was an extended silence. I studied Mac as she searched Webb's eyes for an answer. She steadied her gaze, and looked into his eyes trustingly and assuringly, as if she was trying to tell him something. His gaze softened, and he nodded at her briefly before saying, " If our covers get blown, then Harm will instruct a small naval combat team to invade the facility." he said, still looking into her eyes.
It seemed that some sort of message had just been exchanged between them, that they had somehow forged some type of bond that I had been completely unaware of. I tried to overlook this, but it made me a little jealous that Mac and Webb would be working so closely together on this mission, and even more so that they had become friends.
" I've got to go now." Webb said abruptly, devoid of any expression. " You two need to be at the airport tomorrow morning at six-thirty." I nodded at him in reply.
" Goodnight Clay." said Mac.
He smiled at her briefly. " goodnight Sarah." he said before departing.
' It's nice to know we're on a first name basis here.' I thought to myself, bitterly.
I looked at Mac. She seemed to be deeply drawn into a file that she was studying, and I sighed as I realized that she was trying to ignore me.
" Mac, you mad at me?" I asked.
She shook her head, " no." she said, still not looking at me.
" ok look, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I never should have assumed that you and Webb would do anything like that." I stated, apologetically.
She nodded unresponsively.
" Mac." I said in exasperation, " look at me."
Slowly, she brought her eyes up to meet mine.
I took a deep breath, " Mac, your my best friend. I've just been rattled lately, and stressed out about this investigation. The truth is, I need you now, I need you more than ever. I just, I get scared at the thought of losing you." I admitted, closing my eyes in anticipation of her reaction. I didn't get one.
I opened my eyes slowly to see her smiling at me contentedly. "apology accepted." she said.
I smiled at her, glad that we were back on a mutual smile basis. She rose from the table, and a warm feeling rose within me as she embraced me tightly. The moment was over all to quickly, and as she stepped back from my embrace, I felt a pang of absence from where she had rested in my arms.
" It's time for you to go now." she said, directing me toward the door, " we have a long day tomorrow, and you need to get some sleep."
" okay." I agreed. 'I never want to leave you.' I thought.
" goodnight sailor." she said.
" goodnight marine." I replied, smiling.
But as I stepped out to the hall, and her door shut behind me, the feeling that I was suddenly incomplete came upon me. I fought an overwhelming urge to go back and return to her arms, the only place I 'd ever truly felt at home.
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Author's Note: Ok, that's it for now. What do you think? More is on the way. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated, I'm kind of experimenting with the alternate Point Of View's. I won't continue this if I don't get feedback. thank's for reading!!!
That morning as I sat in my car, lodged somewhere in the middle of a three mile traffic-jam, I came to the realization that I, Harmon Rabb Jr., am an idiot. It's true, I had made not one good decision in the past 10 years. I'd been in numerous failed relationships and two plane crashes. I had nearly let the only woman I'd ever loved marry someone else, all the while being too selfish and afraid to tell that I love her.
When I was a kid, I never would have thought that I would one day be a forty year old lawyer living alone in an apartment with no family of my own. sure, I had solved a few cases, taken a few scars, caught a few bad guys. But still, there I was, in the middle of that traffic jam, with that one frozen and tormenting thought in the back of my head, telling me over and over, 'Your life has no meaning.' I tried to push the thought from my mind, but even as I arrived at Mac's apartment building, slight traces of doubt haunted my mind.
" maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis." I thought out loud to myself as I absently stepped onto the elevator.
" nah, you don't seem like the type." Came a familiar voice from behind me.
I turned in surprise as Mac stepped in to the elevator following me. " Mac, " I said, startled. She was grinning whimsically at me, dressed casually in a black halter -top and jeans. "You look great." I added approvingly.
" thanks." she said laughing, " you okay?"
" oh yes, fine. as always." I said, somewhat embarrassed she had caught me talking to myself.
" what's this about a 'mid-life crisis'?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow at me in curiosity.
" oh, it's nothing. Just, you know... thinking about things."
she nodded. " well, that's good. that you... think about things." she smiled up at me. For a moment I was staring into her eyes, simply captivated by her beauty, thinking about how much I loved her and unsure of what to say.
Her smile faded and she glanced up at me in uncertainty as I stepped closer to her.
" Mac, I..." I began to speak, but was interrupted as we arrived at her floor and the elevator doors snapped open. An elderly woman and a tall maintenance worker stood at the other side of the door, peering in at us, waiting for us to step off the elevator.
I let out a sigh, and Mac smiled wistfully, " This would be our stop." she said lightly, stepping out of the elevator. " Hello Mrs. Peterson." she nodded at the elderly lady.
' what just happened here?' I thought to myself as I followed her to her apartment door.
" Would you like some coffee?" she asked as we stepped inside.
" yes, please, that sounds great." I said, plopping down on her sofa as she rattled around in the kitchen. "so how are all of the preparations going for the mission?" I asked.
" pretty well, we were up somewhat late last night getting background information together, but we have it all tied away." she said, coming out of the kitchen, handing me a cup of coffee.
I nearly spilt the hot liquid in my lap as I heard a door opening, and a freshly showered, cleanly shaven Clayton webb stepped out of the bathroom.
" good morning Clay. Coffee?" Mac asked him sweetly.
" Sure." he said. " hello Rabb." he nodded at me.
I was stunned for a moment. " what the hell are you doing here?" I asked, trying to contain my anger as a spiteful rage began rising in my chest.
" I stayed the night." he said casually. " Mac didn't tell you?"
" No she didn't." I said in infuriation as she handed Webb his coffee.
" So should we get started then?" she shrugged calmly.
I clenched my jaw, and stood there rigidly, trying to push away all of the hurt and anger I was feeling at that moment .
Mac looked at me, and concern filled her eyes as she caught my pained expression. "Is everything okay?" she asked in confusion.
" I don't know," I said, failing to withhold the pained resonance from my voice. " are you sure that 'background information' is all you two were up late doing last night?!" I yelled angrily.
Mac was startled, and she looked at Webb in confusion, then at me, and a sudden realization donned on her expression. "oh no, Harm. Look, Clay passed out from exhaustion in the office last night. We were the only two left at JAG, and I didn't know where he was staying so I brought him home with me. I let him sleep here, I took the couch. That's it." she said.
Clay tilted his head at me, " oh, you thought that we... " he smiled foolishly, " sorry for the miscommunication." he chuckled lightly.
Mac shook her head and looked away from me, " So you just assumed that I would..."
I instantly regretted my reaction. " no, Mac. It's just.... Christ, I'm so sorry. I feel like such an ass." I tried to reconcile, but I could tell she had been hurt by my insinuations.
" no, it's fine. We should really start discussing the mission." she said, trying to sound nonchalant, but I could tell that I had struck a nerve. She still wouldn't look at me.
Mac, Webb, and I prepared for the mission all day. We went over hundreds of records, maps, and files. We discussed every worst-case scenario, every 'what happens when' and " what if they', we could think of, but even after we seemed to know everything we should know about the operation, I was still frightened that something would go wrong. This was the most dangerous and involved task that Mac and I would ever be involved in, and we wouldn't even really be together. For once, she would be the undercover investigator, she would be the one in danger. I would be the one watching from the sidelines, I would be the one with absolutely no control over the situation. Maybe that's what I was so afraid of. More than anything, I was afraid of losing control.
" What happens if my cover gets blown?" Mac asked softly. I looked to Webb for an answer, but he seemed slightly taken off guard by the question. There was an extended silence. I studied Mac as she searched Webb's eyes for an answer. She steadied her gaze, and looked into his eyes trustingly and assuringly, as if she was trying to tell him something. His gaze softened, and he nodded at her briefly before saying, " If our covers get blown, then Harm will instruct a small naval combat team to invade the facility." he said, still looking into her eyes.
It seemed that some sort of message had just been exchanged between them, that they had somehow forged some type of bond that I had been completely unaware of. I tried to overlook this, but it made me a little jealous that Mac and Webb would be working so closely together on this mission, and even more so that they had become friends.
" I've got to go now." Webb said abruptly, devoid of any expression. " You two need to be at the airport tomorrow morning at six-thirty." I nodded at him in reply.
" Goodnight Clay." said Mac.
He smiled at her briefly. " goodnight Sarah." he said before departing.
' It's nice to know we're on a first name basis here.' I thought to myself, bitterly.
I looked at Mac. She seemed to be deeply drawn into a file that she was studying, and I sighed as I realized that she was trying to ignore me.
" Mac, you mad at me?" I asked.
She shook her head, " no." she said, still not looking at me.
" ok look, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I never should have assumed that you and Webb would do anything like that." I stated, apologetically.
She nodded unresponsively.
" Mac." I said in exasperation, " look at me."
Slowly, she brought her eyes up to meet mine.
I took a deep breath, " Mac, your my best friend. I've just been rattled lately, and stressed out about this investigation. The truth is, I need you now, I need you more than ever. I just, I get scared at the thought of losing you." I admitted, closing my eyes in anticipation of her reaction. I didn't get one.
I opened my eyes slowly to see her smiling at me contentedly. "apology accepted." she said.
I smiled at her, glad that we were back on a mutual smile basis. She rose from the table, and a warm feeling rose within me as she embraced me tightly. The moment was over all to quickly, and as she stepped back from my embrace, I felt a pang of absence from where she had rested in my arms.
" It's time for you to go now." she said, directing me toward the door, " we have a long day tomorrow, and you need to get some sleep."
" okay." I agreed. 'I never want to leave you.' I thought.
" goodnight sailor." she said.
" goodnight marine." I replied, smiling.
But as I stepped out to the hall, and her door shut behind me, the feeling that I was suddenly incomplete came upon me. I fought an overwhelming urge to go back and return to her arms, the only place I 'd ever truly felt at home.
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Author's Note: Ok, that's it for now. What do you think? More is on the way. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated, I'm kind of experimenting with the alternate Point Of View's. I won't continue this if I don't get feedback. thank's for reading!!!