A/N This is a shorter chapter, from Harry's POV, for a change. I hope the style of the piece isn't too corny, and that it comes across in character - Harry's voice doesn't come to me as easily as Snape's. Maybe it's the fault of my Slytherin soul ;-)
Dear Dad,
I couldn't do a lot to comfort Sirius. I feel guilty for leaving him on his own, but he said he'd be okay, and there was no one else to take care of Hagrid. At least *he'll* he all right, in time, but Sirius has suffered so much for so long, I'm worried this'll be the last straw.
If only I could *do* something - make it better somehow. But even magic can't do that. Nothing can bring Remus back, or undo the years Sirius spent locked away in Azkban. If I could wave my wand and make it all go away...as a kid, living at the Dursley's, before I knew what I was and who my parents really were, I'd dream about that: having a magic wand to change my whole life in an instant. But even though magic *does* exist after all, and it's a wonderful thing, there's still more pain and grief in the world than people can bear. How can that be? If all those muggles who've said, at least once in their lives, 'If only I had a magic wand!' knew the truth -well, they'd have had a lot more patience over the centuries with witches and wizards, that's for sure.
It's been so long since I wrote to you like this - makes me feel a kid again. Ironic really, since today was the day we lost our childhood forever, as some song once put it. Sounds dramatic but that's how it is. I've thought of myself as an adult for years, but till today I've never really understood what the phrase 'to lose your innocence' means.
Today I killed someone.
I killed more than one person, in self-defence, but they were all faceless death-eaters, some of them barely human, some of them having given up their right to be called 'human' through the sick thing they've done. But one of them was different. Yes, he was a death-eater, yes, he did terrible things, and yes, he would've killed me if he'd got the chance - but he was still someone I *knew*. Someone I grew up with! I went to classes with him, duelled with him, argued and fought with him. I *hated* Draco Malfoy, or thought I did; nevertheless, of all the dark wizards who died by my hand today he is the only one I feel really guilty about. The only one I truly regret.
For someone so young I'm getting a pretty good catalogue of regrets, aren't I? I've failed so many people...Sirius, Malfoy, Ginny...
Ginny. She's maybe my biggest regret. I'd always thought, rightly or wrongly, that when it was all over we'd - well, get together. It took me a long time to realise just how amazing she was, and yet she was always there, waiting patiently, always brave, always caring. Now it's too late, and that hurts as much as anything I've ever suffered in my life.
But I'll still move on - I have to. One of the first and best pieces of advice Albu Dumbledore gave me was that we shouldn't get lost in our dreams and forget to live. Thinking about Ginny and what might have been is not an option. There's still so much to do, so many reasons to carry on, and lots of people to help and be strong for - Sirius for a start, and Hermione, and the Weasleys. I've got a chance now to return some of the help they gave me when I was a kid. It's my turn to look after them now.
Although I won't dwell on thoughts about Ginny and Malfoy, I still feel responsible for them - that somehow I could have prevented their deaths. I owe it to them to remember, to honour those memories. Maybe it's a kind of penance, I don't know - but I do know I'll never forget them, as along as I live.
I wish you were here, Dad. Everyone says I'm strong, but I don't really know if I can do all the things I've said. I've never needed you and Mom so much as now, not since I was a kid. But that's dwelling on the past again, isn't it, and things that can't even happen. So for now I'll push these thoughts away and concentrate on the people around me, those I can be with, and help.
Wherever you are, Dad, I know you're watching, and I hope I can make you proud of me, and do as well as you would've done, if you were here.
I *can* do this. I'm a fighter. I've got my whole life ahead of me and there's nothing standing in the way now. I won't give up. Someday, somehow, everything will turn out all right. I'll be able to have a normal life. I'll be Harry Potter instead of the 'Boy-Who-Lived'.
Some day. But not today.
Dear Dad,
I couldn't do a lot to comfort Sirius. I feel guilty for leaving him on his own, but he said he'd be okay, and there was no one else to take care of Hagrid. At least *he'll* he all right, in time, but Sirius has suffered so much for so long, I'm worried this'll be the last straw.
If only I could *do* something - make it better somehow. But even magic can't do that. Nothing can bring Remus back, or undo the years Sirius spent locked away in Azkban. If I could wave my wand and make it all go away...as a kid, living at the Dursley's, before I knew what I was and who my parents really were, I'd dream about that: having a magic wand to change my whole life in an instant. But even though magic *does* exist after all, and it's a wonderful thing, there's still more pain and grief in the world than people can bear. How can that be? If all those muggles who've said, at least once in their lives, 'If only I had a magic wand!' knew the truth -well, they'd have had a lot more patience over the centuries with witches and wizards, that's for sure.
It's been so long since I wrote to you like this - makes me feel a kid again. Ironic really, since today was the day we lost our childhood forever, as some song once put it. Sounds dramatic but that's how it is. I've thought of myself as an adult for years, but till today I've never really understood what the phrase 'to lose your innocence' means.
Today I killed someone.
I killed more than one person, in self-defence, but they were all faceless death-eaters, some of them barely human, some of them having given up their right to be called 'human' through the sick thing they've done. But one of them was different. Yes, he was a death-eater, yes, he did terrible things, and yes, he would've killed me if he'd got the chance - but he was still someone I *knew*. Someone I grew up with! I went to classes with him, duelled with him, argued and fought with him. I *hated* Draco Malfoy, or thought I did; nevertheless, of all the dark wizards who died by my hand today he is the only one I feel really guilty about. The only one I truly regret.
For someone so young I'm getting a pretty good catalogue of regrets, aren't I? I've failed so many people...Sirius, Malfoy, Ginny...
Ginny. She's maybe my biggest regret. I'd always thought, rightly or wrongly, that when it was all over we'd - well, get together. It took me a long time to realise just how amazing she was, and yet she was always there, waiting patiently, always brave, always caring. Now it's too late, and that hurts as much as anything I've ever suffered in my life.
But I'll still move on - I have to. One of the first and best pieces of advice Albu Dumbledore gave me was that we shouldn't get lost in our dreams and forget to live. Thinking about Ginny and what might have been is not an option. There's still so much to do, so many reasons to carry on, and lots of people to help and be strong for - Sirius for a start, and Hermione, and the Weasleys. I've got a chance now to return some of the help they gave me when I was a kid. It's my turn to look after them now.
Although I won't dwell on thoughts about Ginny and Malfoy, I still feel responsible for them - that somehow I could have prevented their deaths. I owe it to them to remember, to honour those memories. Maybe it's a kind of penance, I don't know - but I do know I'll never forget them, as along as I live.
I wish you were here, Dad. Everyone says I'm strong, but I don't really know if I can do all the things I've said. I've never needed you and Mom so much as now, not since I was a kid. But that's dwelling on the past again, isn't it, and things that can't even happen. So for now I'll push these thoughts away and concentrate on the people around me, those I can be with, and help.
Wherever you are, Dad, I know you're watching, and I hope I can make you proud of me, and do as well as you would've done, if you were here.
I *can* do this. I'm a fighter. I've got my whole life ahead of me and there's nothing standing in the way now. I won't give up. Someday, somehow, everything will turn out all right. I'll be able to have a normal life. I'll be Harry Potter instead of the 'Boy-Who-Lived'.
Some day. But not today.