temperthesoul4

Temper the Soul

Chapter 4

by zapenstap




Dawn stole across the sky and the clouds blushed in welcome to the sun's rising. Heero shrugged into his coat, stamped his feet quietly into his boots and slipped out of the room. He paused in the doorway, lingering to look at the girl still fast asleep in bed, her face pressed against the pillow, one arm above her head, blonde hair spilling about her head and shoulders. He could see bits of her face poking between her hair and the bed, could see her breathing in and out in a slow, steady rhythm, her youthful face smoothed of all its adult worries. He stayed there watching her sleep for longer than he intended, his heart full of a strange and peaceful, yet terrifying feeling that consumed him. It made his stomach hurt. He would never stop loving her. Never. It might not always be so powerfully affecting, but it ran deep, to the bone, deeper. He couldn't imagine how he had come to be in this place with her. It was more than he was worth, more than he deserved, and yet less than he wanted, less than was fair to her.

I've ruined her, he thought in his distraction, and felt pain. She doesn't know what she bargained for. How could I use her like this?

He had used her, or felt like he had. In the past she had cared for him when no one else did, and he had protected her, keeping his feelings close, but then everything changed. Damion had come, he had reacted possessively, and when he thought it was over, she had chosen her Heero. It was the name he kept for her and her alone. Did she really know anything about him? He had taken her without prudence, without thought. He had wanted her for himself, and put her in this place of compromise. She loved him. She said she did anyway, and he believed her, but he wondered why she wanted him, why she loved him, why she cared so much. And did he really love her? He knew he did, but he wondered if his reasons were not selfish, if he wasn't merely responding to the first person to ever care for him.

In such doubt, he could not sleep with her, and the tension was building between them. They had almost had a fight about it last night. She had demanded a reason and he had given none. He had seen the anger in her face, in her voice, powerful and intimidating, but after a long stony silence she had relented and brushed the matter aside, promising to wait him out. She said she knew he needed time before he could talk to her about things that upset him, and he was grateful, but this time he didn't know what to say. They still had not really had the conversations she wanted to have, about him and his past. He still couldn't talk about those things.

He should never have started sleeping with her. He remembered being sick with lust for her, how much it had disgusted him, and thinking back on it, he realized he had given into that lust when she offered, shamelessly, and enjoyed himself since. He had used her. He had used her with the best of intentions, had done it in love, but still used her. Had she done the same with him? No one could openly know what they did. And if it had to be kept secret, it wasn't right. If it became known, she would suffer shame, and he would share in that. It wasn't right. She deserved more. He wanted to sleep with her, of course, but not in guilt. And he didn't want that to be the only thing that he wanted. Without it, did he still love her? How could he know? It didn't seem so, when every second all he could think about lately was sex with her. He was unworthy of her, in so many ways, unworthy. She didn't know what she had bargained for. Maybe he never should have allowed himself to fall in love with her at all.

He felt horrible.

Softly, he shut the door, shut her out, and walked out of their apartments. These rooms were too much like a little home, just enough to remind him that it was not. It was all a facade, an illusion, a pallid representation of something lovely. She deserved the real thing.

He walked out into the hall, ignoring the servants who went about their early morning duties just as much as they ignored him. They were dressed all in black this morning, as was he, as was everyone. It was the day of the funeral. He was pretty sure he would find Damion awake somewhere.

Passing through the foyer, he saw a young girl in a black dress passing through and stopped her, asking if she might know where he could find Damion at this hour.

She blinked at him. "I have no idea," she said. "One of the other girls said the prince was in the library. I have spoken to him only once this weekend. I'm going home tonight."

Heero stared at her. Of course. She must be one of the other girls who had come this weekend. "Are you offended?" he asked her in her reference to going home.

She blinked and blushed. "Oh, no, not at all. I never expected to be a choice. My presence here is merely a formality. He's been kind to me, but everyone knows Audrey Veron will really be his wife. Besides, there are other reasons for coming. Are you one of the Lords, or..." she left it hanging, but he could tell she was dubious that he might be a lord, or even a friend of "the Prince." He supposed she thought he was a servant, or a guard, or a messenger.

"I'm a gundam pilot," he informed her. "I'm here with Relena Darilan."

Instant recognition flashed across her face. "Oh, right. Are you her bodyguard?"

"Yeah," he replied, and it rankled, but he couldn't say more, not without implying their relationship to be more than anybody was technically supposed to know. It was infuriating. "I need to speak with the prince," he said, and that rankled too. It reminded him of when Damion and Relena were together and how well they gotten along, being somewhat equal in station and experience. He was not a prince. He was nothing like that, didn't even understand it clearly. Was it wrong for him to even be with Relena? If this girl knew, how would she react? Scorn maybe? Did Relena realize it? What if he lost her...? The thought was terrifying.

"Try the library," she suggested, and continued on her way.

Heero hurried on, glad that his reaction to her words had not shown on his face.

He found Damion in the library, alone in dim lighting, surrounded by books, pamphlets and letters, most seemingly on Taravren Law and Customs. But there were some oddities thrown into the mix, a few church writings and a bible, all of which were stamped with a seal Heero recognized as the emblem of one of the churches in the city.

"What are you doing?" he asked from the doorway.

Damion lifted his head from the fist he had rested it on while reading a book propped on his knee. He looked a little less tired than he had the previous day, though by no means fully rested. He was dressed in all black much as everyone else, but though he seemed somewhat melancholy, his eyes glimmered sharply with attention and welcome. "Heero," he said, setting the book aside. "It's early. What are you doing here? Where is Relena?"

"She's still asleep," Heero replied, and remembered fondly how he had last seen her, resting so peacefully. "What are you doing?"

Damion sighed. "I'm looking at Taravren marriage customs and wedding vows," he replied.

Heero said nothing for a moment. "You're marrying Audrey," he stated at last, and knew his voice sounded a little cold.

Damion did not meet his eyes, but nodded slowly. "Yeah," he said, breathing deeply. "It seems so."

"She has problems," Heero warned him.

Damion nodded again with a slight smile on his lips, somewhat surprising him. "I know," he said. "She's a little introverted and something about the idea of marriage troubles her greatly, but I can't help that. I like her, and whether I did or not, I have to marry her."

"You told Relena and I on the phone that you had a choice."

"It's easy to say that," he replied with a soft sigh. "It's a formulated answer, but my choice is really more of a choice between gaining the support of the Lords or rocking the boat by being selfish. I'm lucky that I like Audrey, Heero. Really lucky."

"Why her?" Heero demanded. He didn't know why he was being so hostile. The last thing Damion needed was to be attacked for this, but he couldn't help it. "Why do they want her?"

Damion shrugged. "Tradition," he said calmly. "Her father served in the navy all his life. He was both a Duke and an Admiral. And my family has good relations with hers. Every once in awhile certain...promises are made to families that have served the royal family well. I'm obligated to honor those promises, though not by law. There are other girls in her family that are suitable, and in neighboring families as well, but Audrey is first choice. My parents wanted me to form an attachment with one of those girls, and first choice if possible, but they meant to keep it from me until I seemed interested. I almost wish I had known so much was decided all my life, but they were hoping the sentiment would be natural, so I wouldn't feel so trapped."

"That isn't all. It's because she is Clara's cousin."

Damion looked up at him and smiled. "You're too clever. Yes. Clara's insurrection hangs largely in the minds of many. Forming ties with her cousin would mend the breach and bring honor to her innocent relations. The Veron's have been a bit estranged these past two years, and that has to be fixed to maintain political stability."

"And that's why you have to marry Audrey? She might be your enemy."

Damion smiled. "Don't be so harsh on me, Heero. I like her. I think I might come to love her."

"She won't love you back," Heero said flatly. "Not the way you want. She's very guarded."

Damion looked away. "I don't know. Some would say that about you."

"That's different," he said a little defensively. But was it? And did he really love the way Damion would? Heero shook his head. "Audrey has a specific reserve against marriage. Do you know what it is?"

"No, not yet." Damion looked at him strangely, the light glancing off his eyes. "Do you have a reserve against marriage, Heero?"

The question seemed to hang there.

It caught him by surprise. Heero didn't reply immediately, dumbstruck as if hit by a revelation. Marriage? "I've never really thought about it."

Damion was looking at him in the most uncomfortable way, directly, inquisitively. "Why did you come here, Heero?"

Heero froze, suddenly feeling attacked himself. "I was looking for you. It's your father's funeral."

"Yes, it is, but it's not like you to offer condolence arbitrarily. What do you want from me? Is something up with Relena? You seem edgy lately."

Other people had already noticed. "I have to go," he said after a moment of pause, turned, and walked away.

"Heero!" Damion called out. "I need you to do me a favor."

He stopped and turned. Damion stood, pushed in his chair, and picked up a few books from the table, those with the church emblems on them. "Could you drop these off for me? They're borrowed and I'm through with them, but I have a lot to do."

He took the books with a little hesitation. Three years ago he would have refused anyone a favor. "I don't know much about churches," he said slowly.

"Just give them to anyone who works there. I could ask one of my staff to do it if you'd rather..."

"No," Heero said. "I'll do it." This way he could avoid Relena for a little longer this morning. He found that he missed her face already, her touch, her smile, but he didn't want to see her just yet.

"I know you have trouble talking to people," Damion added quietly as Heero adjusted his hold on the books. "Maybe somebody there can help you, if it's about Relena. Maybe they can answer your questions. They don't know you, so it wouldn't feel so personal."

Heero avoided his eyes and didn't answer. Tucking the books under one arm, he left the library, trying to make sense of his thoughts.

*****

Relena awoke to find Heero gone, not just from the bed, but from the room. She got up, took a shower and dressed for the day, black for the funeral this afternoon. She tried not to think about Heero, tried to let him be, but she couldn't force him from her thoughts.

What was wrong with him? What was bothering him so much that he couldn't stand to touch her? At first, she had gone with the idea that it was merely the circumstances, but now she was afraid it might be her. Was he realizing perhaps that he didn't really love her after all, or that he had fallen out of love with her? He was giving her such mixed messages she couldn't make sense of what he wanted, what he needed. It hurt. He was so hard to get close to, so hard to understand, and she loved him so much, cared for him so deeply, that it hurt when it was obvious that he couldn't talk to her.

They had spent the last two years getting used to each other. He had been so bewildered at first, so surprised every time he saw her, every time she showed him her affection. Emotionally, they had taken things so slowly. It had taken some time, but he had come to be able to talk to her about how he felt about things, to share his thoughts and emotions. But they didn't talk about his past, and they didn't really talk about how their feelings for each other developed. She respected his privacy about his past, but she still wanted to know. As for the other, sometimes she needed to know. He could communicate that he loved her, that she was important to him, that he cared, but he did it usually without speech. He would tell he loved her, but only in the heat of a moment, and he never explained why. For so long now, she had been content with that, to merely have him near and loving her was enough, but now she was uncertain, anxious. It was painful.

"I love you, Heero," she said to the air, and felt herself becoming worked up over nothing. "I love you," she repeated, dashed tears from her eyes and set about putting on her shoes.

Once dressed, she made her way to Audrey's apartments, intent on making friends with the girl today if she could. Damion had already decided to marry her, she was certain, and she wanted to get an idea of how Audrey felt about it, to help if it was necessary, or just to listen. Sometimes people just needed someone to care and to listen, to let them state how they felt and be told that that was okay. After all, how could you argue with someone's feelings? They were not objective. A person felt how they felt. She wished Heero knew that she understood that, that he could say or feel anything and she would only support him, agree with him, whatever he needed. And she needed a friend too.

She knocked softly on Audrey's door.

"Come in,"

Relena opened the door and stepped inside a well furnished room, elegant and beautiful. Audrey rose, dressed in black as she was, her brown hair hanging dark and straight, but curling over her shoulders and upper back. "Miss Darilan," she said, blinking large brown eyes.

"Good morning, Audrey," Relena greeted her, clasping her hands in front of her. "I know that this is a somber occasion, but once it is over, things will have to return to normal. To speed it along, the palace has scheduled a formal ball of sorts, tomorrow night. If you were planning to attend, I thought we might go shopping together."

Audrey smiled at her. "I heard about it," she murmured. "I must attend, and I do need a dress." She grabbed her purse from the closet by the door and followed Relena out, just like that.

They walked side by side to the palace gates and out into the streets, quiet at first. Taravren was arranged in such a way that most of the major stores had sprung up around the palace and so were within walking distance, though it was a bit of a walk. She didn't mind. The main idea of this outing was to get to know Audrey better and also to share some of her own life.

"Are you thinking of marrying Damion, Audrey?" she asked without preamble, mostly because she thought she already knew the answer, and also knew that Audrey was aware that the situation was keenest on everyone's mind.

Audrey was silent for a moment, staring straight ahead. "Yes," she said softly. "I know I will. I try to think about it as little as possible, but I know that there are few reasons he would reject me, and I can not reject him."

Relena regarded her with some sympathy, but only for her discomfort and uncertainty. She honestly felt that Audrey was a good match for Damion, in station as well as character, and merely wished her to be open-minded. "Damion is a wonderful person," she said. "I know you must be tired of hearing it because it puts pressure on you to feel some affection for him, but I only mean that you do not have to be afraid."

"I believe it," Audrey said quietly. "But I almost wish he wasn't so wonderful as you say. I wonder at the endurance of love, if it can really last forever, or even for a lifetime. But that's what he wants."

"You will never know unless you try."

Audey smiled. "A good point," she said. "But I can not help my inhibitions."

"Why? What are they?" Relena asked, and suddenly felt very intrusive. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, but I feel that communication would help matters. Damion knows that you are nervous, I think, and perhaps it would help if he knew why."

"There are a few reasons," Audrey said slowly, but without any obvious intention to elaborate. "My parents are not the best example of true love, but my father presses me into marriage and that is difficult."

"You do not get along with you father."

"No, but it is difficult to explain."

Relena sensed she didn't want to talk about it and let the matter drop.

"You are with the gundam pilot, Heero Yuy, correct?" Audrey asked suddenly.

Relena started, caught be surprise. "Yes," she said.

Audrey nodded. "Terese told me that you used to date Damion but then chose Heero. Do you love him?"

Relena nodded. "Yes. More than I can relate." She smiled sadly to herself. "He means so much to me."

Audrey looked at her strangely. "I have seen him with you. You communicate together without speaking. Your affection for each other is obvious. It is wonderful to observe."

Relena flushed and pushed her hair behind her ears, ducking her head. She didn't know what to say, but her heart welled up with emotion. He was so affectionate, as Audrey said, and yet...

Audrey continued to evaluate her. "Something is wrong between you?" she guessed.

Well, she had brought up this topic. She might at least be honest. She had to talk to someone. "He has been avoiding...intimacy with me," she said slowly, and blushed.

"You are intimate?" She sounded surprised. "Terese said two years. I suppose it is not strange. But I never thought... I don't know."

Relena lifted her head. "It is me, isn't it? My station, my public role and dedication. I don't seem like a person with a personal life, do I?"

"I don't know what it is," Audrey said with a shrug. "But that makes sense. I think everyone is used to thinking of you as so young, so idealistic, so dedicated. You did a phenomenal job, passing everyone's expectations. I imagine you had to work hard for that."

"My position as Vice Foreign Minister was originally merely honorary," she said. "I always have to prove myself."

"And this Heero," Audrey said. "You knew him from the war?"

Relena nodded. "Yes. Our history is strange. I can't remember when I didn't love him. He inspired me so much, and he always protected me. I felt safe with him and, I know it sounds dumb, but I felt like he needed me. He never had anyone care for him before, and I did. He wouldn't let me get close, kept his distance, but when Damion came..." she shrugged, "everything he changed. I know he loves me, or I did. He doesn't communicate his feelings well and now, for some reason, he won't touch me."

Audrey said nothing for a moment, looking ahead in thought. "I have heard that it is usually the opposite with boys. They want the sex without the relationship, not the other way around."

That was interesting. She hadn't really thought about it like that. "What do you think it is, then?"

They stopped in front of the glass doors of a store with designer dressed modeled in the windows and entered still in conversation. Audrey began to look through the dresses. "I don't know. Perhaps it has nothing to do with you. You are sure he loves you, underneath all the secrecy?"

"I thought so," Relena said.

Audrey smiled as she pulled a red dress from the rack. Relena gasped. It had to cost several hundred dollars, but it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. She very rarely wore red, generally trying to appear more conservative. Red, especially such a vibrant shade, was meant to be dramatic, eye catching. "Try this on," Audrey said. "You would look good in this color, especially if you lightened your hair a shade."

"Audrey..." Relena began breathlessly.

Audrey pulled out a second dress, a vibrant blue that made her skin glow as she held it up to her face. "And this one for me," she said, "provided it fits, though you and I can always afford to pay to have it tailored, I suppose. Let your Heero alone tonight if that's what he wants. Try to get him to talk, maybe, or just let him think. Tomorrow night, if he sees you in this and if he loves you..." she shrugged. "At the very least you will catch his attention. He will not be able to say no without an explanation. And why would he say no?"

Nodding, Relena took the dress and held it up to herself in the mirror. She could get her hair done tomorrow afternoon. She would see tomorrow night if Heero still found her attractive, if he wanted her or not. She hoped he did, that he would love her. She always knew in their love making how he felt. He communicated it without words, and she missed his closeness terribly.

*****

Heero had no idea what he was doing there.

"I don't believe in God," he said flatly right off the bat, just so there wouldn't be any confusion. He tried to get himself to stop glaring, but he couldn't.

"All right," a stranger replied easily, folding his hands over her stomach and leaning back comfortably.

Heero was sitting in a comfortable chair opposite of a man he didn't know, with nothing but a coffee table between them... in a church. The stranger was a priest or a pastor or a leader of some sort, Heero didn't really know, and he didn't really care to ask. He wasn't even sure what kind of Church this was, and probably wouldn't perceive a difference anyway. He supposed he was a pastor.

"You are not here to talk about theology," the stranger clarified for him. "What do you want to talk about?"

Heero sunk deeper into his chair unconsciously. "I just came to return some books for a friend."

"That was nice of you."

Silence.

He wasn't really sure why he was here still actually. He had brought the books back, but before handing them over he had looked through them. Sitting in a chair, he read through the wedding vows, where Damion had been reading, and felt a surge of emotion that confused him so thoroughly that he got lost in self contemplation. He didn't know how long he sat in a chair in that main room, staring at the words on the page until he had memorized them, but eventually someone came over and asked if he wanted to talk to a leader. He had agreed without thinking about it. He must have looked rather distraught.

"I'm here about a girl," he said slowly. Should he call her his girlfriend? Well, of course she was, but... "She's a very important person," he added.

"Important to you or important to other people?" the man asked.

Heero blinked. "Both. Other people."

"Are you in a relationship with this girl?"

"Yeah," he said.

"How long?"

"Two years," he replied.

"How long have you known her?"

"Five years, almost six."

The man nodded thoughtfully. "Are you intimate with this girl?" Heero nodded, but said nothing. "How long before you started?"

"Not very long," he said, and flushed against his will. "But I...we stopped." Why did this upset him?

"Do you love her?"

The question was personal, but Heero found himself nodding. "Always," he said quietly. He looked down, studying his shoes, newly polished.

The stranger regarded him thoughtfully. "So what changed?"

Heero fought with a sudden uprising of emotions and forced himself to stay calm. "I don't know," he gasped, and his fingers clenched around the arms of the chair. "I feel... I think..." The words wouldn't come. He struggled to speak, but gave up. This was impossible. He made as if to get up. "This was a mistake," he said quickly.

"Wait," the man said hurriedly, putting a hand on his arm to detain him. Heero tensed and pulled back, but he stayed. The man motioned for him relax and spoke earnestly to him, leaning forward. "You're with a girl you love. You've been with her two years and known her longer. I don't know you, but you don't seem to be the type to give so much to just anyone. You say she's an important person. Does that bother you?"

"I don't know. Sometimes." He wasn't entirely unimportant himself, but he didn't share her world. He knew he didn't have nearly the value she did, unless it was in her appraisal.

"You look unhappy. You said you stopped being intimate with her. Why?"

"I don't know," he said softly. "She deserves more."

"What does she deserve?"

Heero shifted uncomfortably. "Everything," he said. "Anything she wants. She deserves a real home, someone who understands her, respect..." He trailed off, troubled.

"You can't give her those things?" the pastor asked. "Mightn't she just want you? Unless you don't think she loves you."

Heero took a deep breath and let his head fall back. "No, I..." he looked about for some escape, but found none. "She loves me," he said, and felt immense relief just saying that out loud. "I just don't know if she should."

"You think you are bad for her?"

"No! I can protect her," he said distinctly to himself, his voice fraught with emotion bubbling up from where they were buried deep. He was sweating. "I will always keep her safe. I will love her forever. I would build her a home and..." He put a hand to his forehead, suddenly dizzy. What was he talking about? His eyes felt hot. "She doesn't know me," he said with a slight choke in his voice. "I'm difficult to love." He could see her so clearly, smiling at him, comforting him, loving him. "I don't deserve her. I've...used her so badly." He couldn't say anymore. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to clear his thoughts.

"I don't know why you would say that," the stranger said quietly. Heero looked up. He had forgotten where he was, who he was talking to. "You seem so desperate, but over what? You say she loves you and clearly you love her. By what authority do you have to judge yourself so harshly? I assure you you worth much more than you think. You think she doesn't know you? If you love this girl so much, tell her what you think she ought to know. Give her what you think she deserves..."

"I can't," he protested.

"Why not? You said she deserves a home, that you would build one. Do you want to marry her?"

He choked, trembling. "I don't know. I never thought..." Marry her? No. No, he couldn't do that.

"Would you keep the wedding vows you were reading?"

He felt himself tensing up and couldn't reply. He would if he felt it in his power to make them. He had memorized them.

"The Church regards marriage as the joining of two people into one unit, forever," the pastor explained to him. "Saying those vows is making a solemn promise to your girl, to God, to the public." Heero nodded, still unable to speak. Forever. To the public. There would be no shame in loving one's wife. "It's not a decision to be made carelessly," the pastor continued. "Divorce is highly frowned upon in the Church, more like amputating your right arm than dissolving a contract. You understand?"

"I never say anything I don't mean," Heero forced out, his voice thick. "I've never broken a promise. If I say I'll do something, I'll do it." He was breathing heavily, felt suffocated. "I think I need to go."

"Best of luck," the pastor said as Heero stood hurriedly. "You seem very worthy to me," he added as Heero turned to go, "whoever your lady is."

Heero didn't reply, but managed to thank the man before he left, striding out of the church much more quickly than he had walked in. He didn't know where he was going, but he couldn't get the idea of marrying Relena out of his mind. He would have to think about this more. Was it really possible? He wanted to love Relena forever, he knew that, but to call her his wife, to undergo a ceremony, have everyone see and know it... He wasn't sure he was ready for anything like that. The possibility would never have occurred to him on his own. But then, three years ago, he would have thought being where he was with her now impossible.

He felt feverish. He wanted her. He wanted her in so many ways. But wasn't it a crime to indulge in any of them? Could she even consider marrying a drifter like himself, a soldier, an emotionally crippled man who couldn't even convey how much he loved her as often as he wanted to? He was nobody's husband. As much as he wanted to perform that role, he could not see himself there, could not see other people seeing him there. And his past. She knew so little about him. Relena Darilan marry Heero Yuy? It wasn't even his real name.

He wanted to hit something.






Yeah, that's a lot of 1xR. Sorry for the delay in this chapter. I've been busy, and neglecting school in finishing this I'm afraid. I hope you enjoyed it. PLEASE write a review for this chapter. Next chapter: It's the night of the ball, with a twist ending.