Temper the Soul
Chapter 7
by Zapenstap
The palace had more or less emptied itself of its guests the day following the party. Only close personal friends and the usual staff and courtiers remained. But the palace was never entirely empty of all visitors. The reigning Lords, Taravren's politicians and executors of law, were in an out all the time, and had been since before Damion could remember. There were nine currently in the palace and another three out in the city, which meant twelve Lords in his close proximity, all demanding something. Some of them were old family friends and always welcome, others had been long colleagues with his father for many years and were familiar faces. Others were simply there on business, nothing personal, but there were always a few oppositions, at least one enemy and a new figure or two. To get anything done he needed to impress all of them, please them in some ways and purposely displease them in others. They needed to know that he was Prince Regent, that he would soon be King, that the power of governing Taravren was his, not theirs. He could not afford weakness, but neither could he scorn counsel and look a young fool on a power trip. He knew he was young and untried, they all did, and that made things difficult.
There were also external pressures and powers to deal with. He'd been been aware since before his father's death that Taravren had been targeted as an example of old ways and out-worn traditions, but old ways were old, practiced, habitual, and not to be uprooted lightly. Taravren was not a democracy and never had been, but neither was Damion sure democracy would be good for Taravren. That wasn't really his concern anyway, but it was his concern that trouble on the outside might become trouble at home. The anarchist, Able Gardiner, had recently proclaimed Taravren an example of oppressive governement, and of course, as Prince Regent, Damion was the labled as the source of such evil. As far as he knew, the threat was impersonal and likely to come to nothing, but he had people working around the clock to make sure of it, for the safety of Taravren as well as himself.
Leaning back in his chair, dressed from head to toe in all his formal wear so that his presence could not help but be the focal point of the room, Damion concentrated on the talk of the council table. There were six Council Lords present, Oliver Crombe of Abenland, Alice Millimant, Lady of Wentenshore, Garret Iselin of Northfield, James Cattigan, Lord of Holden, Devon Thurmount of Chissley and Mary Filinty of Harborside, plus Terese to represent the staff, Manny as his personal servant and Oswold as Captain of the Guard. The last three were all but ignored by the Lords and Ladies, as usual, having no reigning power, but their presence, even in silence, was a comfort to Damion. The Lords themselves he knew well by now, or as well as his own observation, his mother's counsels and his advisors' warnings could inform him. He knew the worth and extent of each of their estates, their agendas, public and private, obvious and concealed, the things they needed, the things they demanded, the quirks of their personalities that made negotiations difficult, and exactly how far he could push whom and in what direction. He knew what a Prince regent needed to know. It was, after all, what he did all day, and was expected to do as long as he remained King. For awhile he had hoped that his public title as "president" would transfigure some the expectations of his responsibilities, but it was not so. Neither did he have a defined "term of office." All points considered, he would reign until his death, and these people would be both his help and his hinderance.
"You met with Master Veron this morning, Prince Regent?" Lady Mary Filinty prompted with a slightly aloof air.
Damion caught her shadowed looks, the coolness in her tone, and smiled inwardly. Her daughter has been a candidate for his wife, a nice enough girl she seemed too, but he'd be damned before he'd marry one of her relations. That was just the sort of power he could not afford to give anyone in this room.
He nodded without hesitation and waved the matter away. "Yes. The marriage preparations are underway. The union between myself and Miss Audrey Veron will be officially announced this evening."
This was met with nods of approval from the Lords, among whom this matter had been decided for him some days ago. But Terese blinked in surprise and looked at him with concern from across the room. He avoided her gaze and kept his face straight. This was business. It hurt, but that's what it was.
Audrey. He tried not to think about her. He'd been trying all day. He did not understand what happened last night and he had not seen her since. He had been afraid she was leaving, that she had forsaken her promise to marry him and gone home. His life would have been chaos if she had. But then he'd received a message that her father had arrived in the city to meet Damion and make arrangements for the wedding, with Audrey's formally written consent. And then he realized what a trap it was. Audrey could not refuse to marry him. She did not have that power. She may have retracted her acceptance last night, but upon finding a quiet moment, she would remember how futile and useless it was. The realization had first relieved him, then horrified him. His position was a license for forced marriage, or at least coerced marriage, and really didn't seem too far from rape, maybe worse. He did not think Audrey hated him, or even disliked him, but he was afraid. Her good opinion mattered a great deal to him now that he had entangled his emotions in this affair, her affection more, but he was starting to understand that a union between them would likely be formal and passionless no matter what he did, at least at first. When there was no freedom to choose, there was less willingness to love. He would share the fate of his parents after all, it seemed, though in reverse roles. His mother had loved his father and taken her time to build a shared affection. And it had worked, after a fashion. In this case, the reversal of roles made it difficult. He didn't want to think about how things would be when the actual wedding day arrived, or how he would bring himself to consummate it if his wife did not love him, if she felt forced.... He did not want to think about it. He tried not to, but it was hard, harder because he desired her.
With so much to complicate the situation, he ought to have been content, but no, last night he had to go and do something phenominally stupid. Whatever possessed him to kiss Relena? She had always been a comfort and a friend, but last night she had looked so sad and he had felt so powerless over his own troubles. Maybe he was still competing with Heero? But no, he didn't really want Relena. He wanted Audrey, and that's what made it worse. He certainly hadn't helped Relena any. All he'd done was complicate things for both of them. They had sat there without speaking for several minutes before they could talk about it. It didn't matter that they both agreed that it didn't mean anything, that they both thought it was a mistake. Heero would find out. Audrey would find out. And when she did, what was she supposed to do? What was he supposed to say?
The meeting dragged on, eventually deviating from local problems and back to Taravren's troubles with Gardiner. Damion set aside his personal difficulties and focused on what was important for Taravren. He hoped it would not be a war. If all went as it should, it would not be, but he wanted to keep himself out of it is at all possible. Still, his presence might be called for. No one would be happy if it came to that, but he rarely got to make decisions for himself in such respects.
At half-past three, the meeting came to an end and the Council Lords were formally dismissed. Terese and Manny remained behind a moment, sharing knowing looks between them.
"What?" he demanded when he was sure the others were gone.
Terese pushed a strand of black hair behind her ear and avoided his eyes. "Why didn't you tell any of us about all of this before?" she asked quietly. "I mean, I thought you had enough on your plate with the funeral and first choice... I didn't know about any of this."
Manny coughed and scrubbed a hand through his light brown hair. "I knew the Lords had decided on Audrey, Prince Damion," he said. "And I heard some rumors about this Gardiner fellow and all, but..."
"Don't worry about it," Damion said to both of them and smiled. "I'm not dealing with it by myself. I don't do anything but sit in this chair and listen to the proposals of others." He smiled and kicked his feet up on the table. "I assure you I am perfectly fine." That actually wasn't really true at all, but it would do for an excuse to relieve their minds. He really was perfectly fine; just busy, and really, wasn't everyone busy?
Terese gribbed her notebook to her chest and made a face. "But your responsible," she muttered, and sighed, rolling her eyes. "Oh, all right. I guess it's not such a surprise that you're busy or anything. Do you think your life is in danger?"
"No," he said promptly. "Not unless this Gardiner comes knocking on the gates, and I seriously doubt that."
"But you might have to go there," Manny said a little uneasily. "If things escalate and Taravren commits to the plan..."
Damion smiled. "I really wouldn't worry about it, Manny," he said confidently. "Really, I wouldn't." Even if he did have to go, he would be put up in a tower with a heavy guard and not be anywhere near the fighting.
"I have to go," Terese said apologetically. "I still have a hang-over and I've been trying not to fall over all day."
Damion didn't have a hangover. He had not been able to sleep and went to bed with a clear head. Whatever was left over left him by midday. He didn't even feel that tired now, not physically anyway. A lucky stroke in a long line of bad luck. "Go rest, then," he said to her. "I have a lot of paperwork to do anyway, and there are wedding plans to make."
Terese laughed. "Oh, don't worry, Prince Damion. I'll be there to help you with that! Like I would trust you to do it on your own. Besides, I'm sure Audrey has a few ideas. Girls usually do, you know."
He smiled a little sadly. "I know. Goodnight, Terese."
She smirked, shuffled her grip on her notebook and left the room, closing the door softly behind her.
"What's up with you and Audrey?" Manny said suddenly, grabbing a chair and pulling it close to Damion's.
Damion looked up at him in surprise. It had been some time since they had really talked about anything. "What do you mean?"
"You discuss the wedding like it's a death sentence. Your face was like a stone all morning. You don't like her now? Did her father say something?"
Damion shook his head. "No, nothing like that." After what he had learned from Audrey about her father leaving her, he had expected someone he would dislike, but it had not been so. Audrey's father was well-mannered, intelligent, generous, completely normal. He had wanted to make sure that Damion would take care of his daughter, of course, that he wasn't harsh or cold or ill-tempered, but he had had no objections in the end and seemed rather more concerned with dates and the technicalities of the marriage itself. He had seemed fond of his daughter, in a troubled way, and Damion felt that the man knew he had made a mistake, and also knew it was too late to change anything. Perhaps passing his daughter off to his Prince was the best fix he could think of. Master Veron had served his family loyally all his life, had served as a well-respeced Admiral in the Navy all his youth and great deal of his adult life. Maybe he had just been unable to let all that go, even for his family, and now was doing his best to fix things. It was hard on Audrey, though. Maybe it shouldn't be, but it was.
"There's not much he can say to his Prince anyway," Manny said softly, resting his elbows on his knees. "He owes you his allegiance. So does Audrey." He paused. "That's what's got you all twisted up, isn't it?"
Damion didn't respond. He merely stared straight ahead, unable to say anything.
Manny blinked. "Damion, I know you think you're alone, but I grew up with you and I understand you. You're my master and it's been my business all my life to know you, your desires, your needs, your expectations. I know it feels stupid sometimes, but I do take it seriously. I know this has got to be really hard for you. Your mother said as much to me the other day." Damion let his head fall in his hands and rubbed his forehead against his palms. Was he really that weak and transparent?
"I'm just tired, Manny," he said quietly. "Not of my job, but the emotional strain of it. I can do this, I just can't feel it. It's like something has died in me and I can't bring it back to life."
"You feel isolated," Manny said. "I sensed that about you right after your father died, like you'd built up these walls and didn't want to be bothered by anybody anymore. I ought to have bothered. I'm sorry for that."
Damion nodded but didn't look up, still troubled. "Sometimes I wonder if I see Audrey as some sort of compensation for my situation, some sort of relief, but it's has been a burden more than a help, and I am sorry I got so emotionally involved in it."
"You don't mean that," Manny returned.
He looked up then, facing his friend with a steady eye. "Don't I?" he asked hoarsely. "Don't I mean it? Manny, I don't know her. I wanted to create a wife and a loving companion out of somebody I didn't even know. And I wanted to do it quick. I wanted the support a loving wife can give me, not her."
"I think you really like her," Manny said stubbornly. "Maybe that other stuff too, but I think underneath that you really like her. She's a nice girl, smart, and I think she could be everything you want, if you just give it time. You should count yourself lucky."
Damion smiled fondly to himself, envisioning her face, the depth of her eyes, her control and wit and kindness. Yeah, he liked her. "I do, Manny," he said quietly. " I do. I just don't know how to act."
"What happened last night?" Manny asked. "Everybody says you disappeared just after midnight. Audrey vanished too. There were rumors until this morning. I think Terese squashed most of them, but... I mean, you didn't..."
Damion's head snapped up, catching the insinuation. "No. God, no. We had a...disagreement and went our separate ways was all."
"That's what Terese said. I don't know what she told everyone else, though."
Damion rubbed his head again. He hadn't considered what other people would be saying about last night's episode. Thank God no one knew about Relena. There hadn't been anyone around. But maybe it would be discerned, if people knew that Relena had also vanished from the party, if either she or Heero said anything about who they were with, or weren't with, last night. Oh God. He had to keep them quiet. They were his friends, but he had to keep them quiet. He was pretty sure they wouldn't want it known anyway, but if what happened wasn't to be talked about, both Audrey and Heero had to know what happened. God, what a mess. He would have to talk to both of them. But how would Heero react? The implications horrified him. Anything could happen, and it must not. What would he have to do...?
"Damion?" He blinked, staring up at Manny in surprise. "Damion, what are you thinking about?"
"Nothing," he gasped. "I need to talk to some people is all."
Maybe he was overreacting. It was just a kiss after all, and a drunken one at that, nothing so bad as Manny had just suggested. But he could not see Heero "understanding" something like this. The guy had tried to kill him over Relena before, and he had done nothing wrong then; he had been innocent. This time he was not quite so innocent, and Gundam Pilots had a strong sense of justice. How should he handle this?
"Damion," Manny said quietly, sounding a bit reproached. "When you feel like talking again, let me know okay?"
"Manny..." he protested. "Don't be offended, please. I just have to think through this first."
"Think through what? What happened?"
Damion raised his hands, but let them fall. "I'll tell you," he said. "Just... I have to talk to someone else first."
Manny nodded. "All right. That's fair, I guess. I'll see you later, Damion." He gathered his things and walked out, leaving Damion alone in the room.
Silently, Damion removed his formal coat and laid it over the back of his chair. He also disengaged the circlet from his hair, removed it from his brow and laid it on the table. They were silly things really, objects, but objects that couldn't be argued with. Propping is elbows on the table, he rested his chin on his folded hands and stared at nothing, mulling things over. After a minute he decided he needed to get his mind off of it and began pouring over the notes left spread out before him, making mental priority lists and to whom he should delegate responsibility. He was so involved that at first he did not hear the knock at the door.
"Come in," he said without looking up.
Audrey stepped into the room and shut the door softly behind her without turning, hiding her face from him as she looked away. He started, swallowing, and all thoughts of last night that didn't involve her flew right out of his head. She was dressed in white, a white dress that flowed from her shoulders to her toes and accented the contrast between the pale cream of her skin and the dark shine of her hair, lightly curled. Of course, her father had come in today and would expect her to look her best... but he was not thinking of that.
The way she looked and acted, so beautiful and so apologetic, reminded him of when Relena had come see him that last time two years ago, to tell him she was going with Heero and that she was sorry. He wondered what Audrey had to say to him now, and if it would make him just as bitter.
"I saw your father this morning," he said quietly.
"I know," she replied. "I even knew he was coming, and did not tell you... I..." She put a hand to her face and looked at him. "I'm sorry about what I said yesterday. I didn't mean it."
He wasn't sure how to react. "Of course you couldn't have," he said. "You signed the consent this morning. What I want to know is what you want, not what you can or can not do."
Her eyes drifted to the floor. "I don't know what I want," she said quietly. "I was happy enough alone, I think, and all of this is very frightening... I..." she stopped, biting her lip. "I'm sorry about how I reacted. I... don't know what came over me."
"You wouldn't let me kiss you. How are we supposed to be married if I can't even kiss you? Am I that repulsive?"
She looked at him, bright eyes shimmering slightly. "It wasn't the kiss," she said.
He was confused now. "It wasn't? I can kiss you?"
She nodded. "I think so. I'm..."
"Have you been kissed before?" he asked.
She nodded again.
An obscure corner of his mind wondered who, but he didn't give it much form. "Then what was it?" he asked instead, puzzled. "You don't have to stand way over there, you know."
She straightened and crossed the room to where he sat at the table. She did not sit down, but fingered the papers spread out before him absently. She was close enough for him to touch her, but he didn't move. Did she want to move so close, or had she obeyed what might have sounded like a command?
She still was not looking at him. "It was the way you grabbed me," she said, sounding a little confused herself. "I know you didn't mean anything by it..."
"I just wanted to hold you," he said quietly. Had he grabbed her? He couldn't remember. Why was that a big deal?
She nodded and her fingers danced from the corners of the papers to where his hand lay still beside them, but she didn't touch him. He kept his entire body still, very aware of how close she was, and how forbidden. "Damion," she said, and looked him straight in the eyes. He paid attention, absorbing her words for all they were worth, weighing the naunce of every word. "Promise me you won't try to force anything on me. This marriage isn't romantic. It can't be. I might love you, maybe, but don't rush me, or expect anything, please." He was so caught by those eyes he couldn't move. He was surprised how little what she was saying hurt him. As long as he could keep her here... he would accept anything. She fumbled for words. "I may not be capable of feeling...what you want me to feel for you before the wedding, maybe not ever." Her eyebrows lowered over her eyes in such a degree of compassion as she looked at him that he was startled. "But I promise I'll be good to you, as well as I can be. I can't promise anything more, but you deserve that."
Good to him. "I know," he said, and his voice sounded strangely hoarse to his ears. "But it's not so easy as that."
He knew that she knew what he meant by the flush in her cheeks. He couldn't force anything on her, nothing but marriage and sex and children and his power to take away everything that she owned and make it his. How was that supposed to work? If she started like a rabbit when he tried to hold her, how were they supposed to... He swallowed, remembering how close she was right that instant, how inviting she looked. Oh God...
She shook her head and suddenly looked him straight in the eyes. He flushed under that scrutiny and tried to clear his head, but she smiled at him like she knew what he was thinking. Her hand was so close to his. "It's okay," she said, and that aura of self-possession that so fascinated him enveloped her. "I've thought some about that and I'm not worried about it. I told you I would be good to you and I will be. We're still new to one another. Maybe when..." she flushed again and looked away. " Maybe by then there will at least be a... familiarity between us, some sort of affection. You know people go to bed with much less, and I do like you. I just can't promise to develop the sort of feelings you want in a wife. I think I can do everything else." She touched his hand with hers then, just grazing it with her fingertips.
Her touch was like electricty. His energy was so pent up with her being so close to him without being able to touch her that the sudden contact jolted him. The hand she touched seized hers lightly, curving around her palm. She gasped and stumbled forward, just catching herself from falling into his lap with a hand on his shoulder. But her knees touched his in her unbalance and her face fell just inches in front of his face, where she breathed for a moment in respite, staring into his eyes. She ought to have been embarrassed, but she just stared into his eyes.
He took a cue and kissed her then, moving just inches forward until his mouth met hers and he kissed her. He let go of her hand when he did it, and kept his other hand still on the armrest so she would be free, though he would have liked to pull her into his lap and wrap an arm around her waist if he thought she would let him. After a moment, it didn't matter. She returned his kiss, breathing into him, and both her hands relaxed on his shoulders. He stopped thinking at that point and she sat down on his knees of her own accord.
He kissed her more deeply and then broke away, watching her expression. Her eyes were closed at first, her chest heaving gently, but her eyes slowly opened and she was able to look him in the face and smile a closed-mouthed smile. "Not so bad?" he questioned.
"Nice," she admitted with a small smile.
He risked raising a hand to her face, pushing her hair out of her way and tucking it behind her ears. It was soft, soft and silky. He touched her head, gently, but then he pulled his hand away, afraid of crossing boundaries. "All right," he said huskily, letting his eyes roam over her face, trying to read her. "I won't expect anything. Just be honest with me and we'll just take it as it comes, okay?"
"Okay," she said in barely a whisper, and moved slowly off his lap, her hands disengaging from his shoulders. He tried to suppress dissapointment. He liked her there. He ought to have kissed her again. He still hadn't been able to touch her really, but from what he could tell, he thought her very soft, soft and firm and pretty and... "Damion," she said quietly as she moved to the door. "Thank you."
He nodded, though he wasn't sure what she was thanking him for.
She opened the door and closed it behind her, fading away like a dream.
He watched her go with a light head. He could deal with this situation.
She liked him and that was enough. He just wouldn't expect anything
on her side... no matter how deeply he was falling for her.
Oh, you waited all this time and there's no Heero and Relena! Don't you like Damion and Audrey...? Oh, poor readers, but that's okay, because there's lots of Heero and Relena coming in the next chapter, I promise.