Temper the Soul
Chapter 15
by zapenstap
Kisses like that shouldn't be allowed.
Audrey sat in front of the vanity and stared at herself in the mirror. The heated flush in her cheeks had faded. Her skin was creamy white, her expression perfectly flat, a pale mask like a doll's face. Lowering her eyes, she gazed at the things scattered over the countertop, the brushes and bottles and powders studiously applied every morning to enhance her appearance for the man she would marry in two months time.
The purpose of a woman to a man is to be beautiful and willing, nothing more. I learned it too late to save myself.
Her mother's words.
Audrey's face remained even as she contemplated her reflection, though her stomach sank. Well, she had succeeded after a fashion. He was in love with her, or thought he was. She had not meant for that to happen, and she certainly didn't mean to let it get carried away. Why he was in love with her did not make any sense. She gave him nothing but a little of her history, mere facts, and access to her body in measure to his desire.
Her mother would congratulate her. She would have sat at her desk, writing poetry like she often did, and glance at her with eyes heavy eyes. In all the time Audrey could remember her mother never smiled at her. The love in her face was the love of anxiety, of the worry and fears involved in raising a child alone with everyone watching and everyone talking. She loved her daughter greatly, but it was a strain and she was not happy. Audrey could never bear much emotion in other people, even now. She preferred quiet serenity in times of happiness and patient endurance in times of hardship. She remembered when her mother would receive a message from her father out of the blue, how her face would crumble and collapse upon reading it. Men are so cruel. He's so cruel and he doesn't know it! The broken tears her mother shed when she shut herself up in her room had frightened Audrey as a child. Growing up, she was taught to be genteel and collected, to be graceful and aloof, to give in measure only that which was demanded, to trust no one but herself and to keep her heart in private custody. She heard nothing but slander in regard to men, and though she never consciously took it to heart, she had difficulty trusting herself to anything better.
When she discovered her obligation in marriage, Audrey had wanted to be honest with Prince Damion about her feelings, to give him duty and expect duty in return. She could have taken care of him easily. She could have loved him after a fashion, but not amorously, not with the heat and vulnerability he desired. She did not know he would want anything like that. She had never conceived he would be anything like that.
She examined her face in the mirror, saw the wedding dress in the reflection. She had not expected to find him likable. She had not expected him to be so courteous, funny, or to try so hard to get to know her. She had not expected he would try to fall in love with her. Often she watched him at work, sitting behind a desk, leaning over papers and writing with a smile. She wondered at his light expression, those gray eyes wide with the expectation that everything would turn out well if everyone did their part. His eyes always struck her, those famous, stunning gray eyes that were so honest and so sweet. But she knew she was not sweet herself. She wasn't anything like him at all.
He deserved better.
First Choice was expected to be a virgin. God knows she wasn't that. Perhaps for other the value of maidenhood was nothing, but not for the bride of the Prince of Taravren. She clenched her fist around the handle of her hairbrush before mechanically bringing it to her head. Her first and only sexual experience was not something she even remembered, but that didn't matter. If it was made known, the Council of Lords would have a fit if they found out. They would vote to turn her out of the Palace and dissolve her marriage contract. The Prince of Taravren could not receive spoiled goods, to lack anything in a bride. The people of this city and of this nation loved Damion. He was their royal icon and they loved him. He deserved the best of everything. His life was supposed to be one of ease and refinement and classic, picturesque perfection. He was the role model and inspiration for a good-hearted country steeped in tradition and conservatism. He deserved the best for the price he paid, for all the work he did that few people noticed, for all the responsibility he shouldered without complaint.
If she were found out she would be sent away. She did not want to see the look in his eyes if he found out from anyone other than herself. She did not want him to find out at all, but now she felt she had to tell him, and pray he would keep it secret, that he wouldn't turn her away to seek a new wife. After all, she was the last chance to redeem the entire Veron House after Clara's transgression and her father was right: he would provide for her entire future. And it would hurt him tremendously to start over. He had invested so much of his own heart into her. That shouldn't have happened. She had lost her control. Why did her mind and body have to betray her at his touch?
Shaking her head, she rose from her vanity and settled herself by the small, private video phone in her room. Straightening her skirts, she did as he had bid her and dialed Relena's office in the Cinq kingdom.
Heero answered, appearing in the screen. There was a tightness around the corners of his eyes, but other than that he looked well.
"Audrey Veron," he murmured.
"Who?" Relena's said in the background, almost as if waking from a deep weariness. The woman came into view at Heero's shoulder, poised and demur, but there were shadows in her eyes too. "Audrey. Can we help you with something?"
She replied evenly, without hysterics or excitement, though she was glad of the news she was relaying. "Prince Damion Ravineere has received a live call from your friend, Duo Maxwell. He asked that I contact you."
Relena demeanor shattered around her in a sudden fit of energy and urgency. "Heero," she breathed, grabbing his arm. Heero's face remained blank, but something flickered through his eyes. He stared at Audrey a moment and she felt as if he were trying to read her for more information. But Audrey did not know if their friend Duo was all right, only that he was alive when they received the call. She did not say that, though; Heero could see it well enough.
"We're coming," he said finally. "How is Damion?"
"He is well," she replied. "Things have long since settled here."
Heero said nothing for a moment, merely looking at her. She felt a chill in her spine the way he stared at her, as if he knew everything about her and had some license to call her conduct to account and yet refrained. She did her best to ignore it. "We're coming," he repeated after a moment. "Tell Damion not to transmit the message. I don't know why he sent it to you instead of us, but there must be a reason. We'll be there in a few hours."
The screen went blank.
For a long, long while she stared at nothing, listening to the clock ticking on the wall, contemplating the words she would say when Damion allowed her to see him. She sat in the chair for hours, twisting her thumbs, staring at the blank screen where Relena's blue-green eyes had fixed on Heero with such raw emotion Audrey could almost feel it herself. The way she had clasped his arm and clung to him, not like a rag doll, but with equal force and energy, pulling him toward her.
At great length, a knock at the door disturbed her quiet thoughts.
"Enter," she said and glanced at the clock. She had sat there for almost three hours.
Manny came in, closing the door behind him softly. She relaxed a little. "Hey," he said. "Master Damion wants you to see the message with Heero and Relena."
"They are here already?" she said quietly.
"They're on their way." Manny watched her, his eyebrows drawn low in a matter of contemplation. "Did you two have a fight?" he asked after a moment.
Dear Manny, so concerned that they work together for Damion's sake. He had been more than kind to her over the past month, though he always seemed to duck beneath her personal attention. Audrey's mother would have called that indicative of a good servant. Audrey just found it funny, considering how close he was with Damion, like a brother. It wouldn't surprise her if he knew everything, but if Damion had not been clear about this, he must still be emotional about it. She shook her head anyway. "Not exactly. Is he angry with me?"
Manny gave her a wry look. "He says no, but I would say he was a little irritated at least for awhile. He seems more concerned than anything else. What happened?"
"Does he think I love him, Manny?"
"I don't know," Manny said. "I think he would like to think so."
She nodded, still unable to look at him. There was an awkward pause.
"Do you?" Manny asked quietly, seeming to summon great courage. "When it comes right down to it, do you love him?"
She couldn't bring herself to respond to that. I should just say no. But looking at his face, she couldn't say it. Saying it to Manny was almost the same as saying it to Damion himself, because Manny would relay this conversation word for word even if he wasn't asked. Why can't I say no? It couldn't be because she felt differently than she believed she did. She didn't want to hurt him was all. She did not feel any of the things love was supposed to make you feel. There was no floatiness, no distraction, no languishing in his absence or contemplating her future with him.
"How is that gundam pilot?" she asked instead.
Manny didn't miss a beat at being denied her confidence. "You'll have to come see."
*****
Relena called Hilde during the plane flight to tell her what they knew, which wasn't much, but Hilde's relief in hearing something was obvious. The girl so badly wanted to see the message that Relena considered booking a flight to Taravren for her. If there was nothing secret in the message, she didn't see why Damion wouldn't allow her access, but of course she would have to ask him first.
Heero said little the entire flight. He elected not even to call Preventor headquarters until he had seen the message for himself. He warned Relena to warn Hilde that the message could be secret, which might explain why it was rerouted. Hilde agreed not to breathe a word about it, but Relena felt sorry for her.
They were greeted at the airport by Damion's staff and taken to the Palace in cars. At the front gates, servants came to take the few things they had packed and they were promptly escorted through the winding halls of the Palace to where Damion awaited them in a guarded council room with Manny and Audrey. Terese was away, making preparation for Damion's upcoming wedding, but her presence wasn't really necessary anyway.
They were led to a small conference room where Damion met them at the door. Audrey and Manny were waiting inside, Manny standing by the wall and Audrey leaning against the table.
Damion smiled and held open the door for them. "Glad you could come so quickly."
"Is it bad?" Relena asked.
"Watch." Shutting the door, Damion opened the panels of the video-screen by remote and played back the video.
Duo's came into few, his face shadowed by a blue cap crunched over his head. His cheeks were dirty, dusty, and he looked tired, but not injured. "Hey, Damion," he said in those semi-serious tones he sometimes used. "Sorry for bothering you. I can't get through to Headquarters, but for some reason your channel is open."
"It's good to hear from you," Damion's recorded voice replied. "Is there news?"
"Well, I saw Gardiner speak. That guy gives me the chills." Duo paused, looking down. "Look, I don't know if I can make it out of here. All the airports have been taken and there's real fighting in the hills now. Guns and explosives and people killing each other like mad..." he trailed off. "If you talk to Heero or any of the other guys, tell them not to come out here. It's not like a gundam battle. There are no mobile suits. It's just crazy. I saw a guy get his head shot clean of just walking through some open terrain. It's nuts. The only people moving around much are medics and mailmen, and everyone is waylaid, disarmed and... Well, I don't know. I can't seem to get across enemy lines. I'm not really sure what to do. I know there are more soldiers coming in from the outside and leaders have been flying down here to pull their people together into a formal retreat or a formal assault, but I don't know if I can last that long. There's so much confusion. I don't know if you were planning on coming out here or not, but I did talk to some guys from Taravren... Well, just tell the others that it's nuts and not to bother making the trip. I've got a few ideas to my escape, but they're all a little risky. If I can't make it home now, I'll just wait for my opportunity."
"Did you get any information?"
"Yeah. Quite a lot. But it won't help. Gardiner's not really a ringleader from what I can tell. He might be out of his mind. All he really does is make speeches against monarchy and the aristocracy and stir up all sorts of hatred and jealousy among the populace. If he disappeared, people might lose interest in this crusade, but I don't think he really cares what anybody does or what's going on. I..."
The image started to flicker, the colors blurring together.
"I'm losing you," Damion's voice said. "Duo..."
The reply was choppy, full of static. "Sorry, man. My channel's being cut off. I got to get out of here before they locate me."
And that was the end of it.
No one said anything for a moment. Damion turned off the vid-screen looked at them questioningly.
"Send it to Headquarters," Heero said at last.
"What about my brother?" Relena said, swinging her eyes to Damion. "If anybody recognizes him they'll kill him."
"He'll be okay," Heero said, covering her fist with his hand, but his eyes were sharp and dark, staring straight ahead. "We'll stick around for a few days. Maybe he'll get through to here too."
Why would the Taravren line be open? Relena shivered. "Can Hilde see the message from Duo, Damion?"
Damion nodded. "Of course. And you two are more than welcome to stay here if you like."
"In separate rooms," Heero said.
Damion gave them a puzzled look. "Sure." He glanced at Manny over their heads and Manny left the room, perceiving some unspoken wish or appointed task. "If you wouldn't mind," Damion said to them. "I know you may have things you wish to discuss and you may be tired. I would also like to speak to Audrey alone, if you wouldn't mind letting Manny settle you."
"Not at all," Relena said, sensing something like determination from him. She glanced at Audrey, but the women wasn't looking at them. She had her hands clasped over her arms, staring at the wall, though her eyes sometimes shifted to Damion. Strangely, she did not smile, not even a little. Her expression was cold, her eyes dark and troubled. Trying not to wonder, Relena grabbed Heero's arm, smiling at Damion. "Thank you for telling us about this and having us down here."
"It was my pleasure," he said, smiling back at her. "Thank you for coming by."
"Damion," Heero said suddenly, arms crossed. "A word with you?"
Relena blinked at him and let go of his arm.
Damion nodded. "I'd like to say something to you too. In the hall?"
Heero nodded and turn to smile at Relena with such a sweet expression and soft eyes, she felt her heart jump. "Relena, you can go to your room if you'd like," he said, not to meaning to be offensive, but indicating he wanted to speak to Damion alone. He lowered his voice for her alone, touching the lapels of her coat with his hands, whispering over her head. "I'll come find you later."
She nodded, returning his smile. The three of them rose and exited the room, leaving Audrey sitting alone, watching them with seeming unconcern. As Relena shut the door behind them, Manny came striding back up the hall, returning from wherever he had gone, smiling brightly.
"Manny, can you take Relena to her rooms?" Damion asked as soon as he approached.
Manny blinked, stopped in tracks and waved at Relena to follow him. She joined him somewhat hesitantly, casting a glance over her shoulder.
"Is something going on?" she asked as soon as they were out of earshot.
"My Master and future Mistress seem to be having a disagreement of some sort, if that's what you mean."
"A disagreement over what?" Relena asked.
"I'm not really at liberty to say."
Her brain began to cycle through a variety of possible conflicts. "Is Damion thinking of going out into the war zone?"
Manny gave her a troubled look. "That's not what I meant, and I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to discuss that either."
She never heard Manny so formal. Relena felt a slight chill settle in her stomach as Damion's personal servant led her to her room.
*****
Once Manny had led Relena away, Damion turned to Heero expectantly, noticing how the gundam pilot's angular eyes followed Relena. To look at him, the man might have been quietly drowning in that girl. He seemed so much calmer than Damion had ever seen him, rock steady, but that comment he had made about the rooming situation was confusing.
"Heero," Damion said, desperate to redirect the focus. "Is anything the matter with you and Relena?"
"No," he replied, turning his head back toward Damion, his face devoid of all outward emotion. "We're taking a hiatus from physicality is all. I proposed to her."
Damion felt the repercussion of shock all the way up his spinal cord. It eventually shook his jaw loose and he smiled. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"It's not official yet. I haven't gotten her a ring, but I'm really close."
"Congratulations anyway. Have you set a date?"
"Not precisely. Sometime in the spring."
"Does anybody else know?"
"Just Zechs and Noin. Relena might have told Hilde too. I'm not sure. We don't want it to get out too soon."
Damion nodded thoughtfully. "You will be very happy together."
"Thanks." There was a sudden and awkward pause.
"Heero..." he began.
"What's going on with you and Audrey?" Heero said abruptly. "I know that last time I was here I didn't pay as much attention as I should have, but something is off."
His face felt stiff. "Not a whole lot has changed since I saw you last, Heero," he replied.
Heero's face became stonier if possible. "She doesn't care about you at all?"
Air filled his lungs, oxygen to a man suffocating. He minimized his reaction as well as he could. "I don't know," he said honestly.
"She seems awfully cold to me."
He tried to quell the uneasiness, the sense of unfairness, the haunting images and emotions attached to her that floated through his thoughts by the minute. "She's not very emotional," he replied in her defense.
"Neither am I. That's why I'm telling you this. I knew when I first laid eyes on her that she wouldn't be what you want."
Heero's words, spoken so blandly, almost in a monotone, felt like a punched in the gut. "What are you saying?" he asked, turning his head down, clenching his teeth. "That she doesn't love me and never will? That I ought to stop wasting my time? I'm in too deep, Heero."
"I know," Heero said quietly. "What are you planning with the Gardiner situation? You've been secretive about it far too long."
"I can't discuss that with you."
"Are you going out there?"
"I can't discuss it with you, Heero. I'm sorry."
"Does she let you touch her?" he said, changing the topic again.
"How do you mean?" Damion hedged. Heero's answering expression was enough. "No."
"She doesn't want...?"
Damion shook, his hands jerking as he cut Heero off sharply. "I don't know what she wants," he said in a hoarse whisper, his throat dry. "She's hot and cold in turns. She encourages me and then turns wild when I get too close to her. I'm in a fever all day long thinking about her and worrying about it." His armed jerked again, his breaths ragged.
"Calm down," Heero said. "Maybe it isn't you."
"What do you mean?"
"Maybe it's something else. I don't think it's natural for a girl to turn wild like that, not with someone like you."
The veiled suggestion made him feel nauseous. "You think maybe something has happened to her? That someone...?"
"I don't know. It's worth considering."
Damion noticed his breathing had changed, growing deeper and quicker. "Why wouldn't she say something?"
"I don't think it would be easy to say."
"I love her."
"Maybe she doesn't believe that, or can't. I didn't for a long time." He looked over his shoulder, in the direction Relena had gone. "Damion," he said. "If she doesn't love you, she will eventually. Maybe you need to back off and just let it happen."
He felt cold. "I don't know."
Nodding slowly, as if he had assessed all that he could and knew he could do nothing else, Heero turned and walked away without another word.
Damion turned back to the room, pausing to breath for a moment, gathering his courage and his thoughts. Knocking on the door, he entered.
She had not moved, leaning against the table with her arms still crossed, staring down at her feet. When he came in, she jumped, looking more startled and out-of-sorts than he was used to seeing her.
"Hey," he said.
She smiled at him faintly and then looked down. "I'm sorry about..."
"Don't worry about it," he said, brushing her apology aside with a gesture. "I'm over it now. It was a heated moment and I reacted strongly. It's okay." Her eyes followed him as he crossed the room, staying ten feet away from her as he circled to the other end of the table. "I just want to know," he said softly, gathering his courage.
She waited in breathless silence.
"When the time comes, will you be able to sleep with me?"
She bit her lip, dark hair falling over smooth pale cheeks, suffused lightly now with pink. She looked tense, ready to leap in any direction, or perhaps implode within her self. "I..."
He looked at her, tracing the curves of her jaw line, remembering the texture of her hair between his fingers. He felt his stomach clench in a knot, his breathing quicken, his blood throb in his ears. "I want to make love to you," he gambled in saying. "I don't want to scare you, but that's what I want."
"I don't know," she finished in a strangled gasp, a hand flying to her face. Were those tears? He stared as the rigid posture of her body as it seemed suddenly to crumble, breaking at the spine and caving inward. He half ran across the room to catch her, afraid she was going to fall, but she straightened suddenly, holding out a hand to stop him a few feet from her. "I'm fine," she said. "I just..."
"You don't know if on our wedding night we can...?" He couldn't even finish, but the sensuous and seductive images that rolled through his seemed marked with black streaks. "Why not?"
"Please don't ask," she pleaded, and leaned against the table for support. He moved past her hand and tried to grasp her, but she pulled away, turning her head. "Don't."
"Don't what?" he asked, putting a hand on her waist. She tensed. With his other hand he touched her face, his fingertips turning her chin toward him so that she was forced to look him in the eyes. "Audrey, I'm not going to touch you more than you want. And I don't understand why you..." he swallowed, sweating suddenly, the words sticking to his throat. "Don't be offended, but please, tell me this: Were you ever raped?"
Her eyes widened and darkened as she suddenly seemed to be looking inward, not seeing him at all. She twitched in his grasp, half struggling. "No," she said, "please let go."
He released her and stepped back. "You were never molested?"
"No."
"You hate me to touch you then?"
"No."
"You're a virgin and you're frightened?"
"No!"
"I don't understand."
"I'm not a virgin."
He froze at the suddenness, the unexpected reply. He seemed to be choking. "What?" he said, more as an instant reaction to something bewildering than anything else.
"I'm not a virgin. I've slept with another man."
Her eyes were dark pools, dark as molasses, hot and cloying. Bright white light seemed to suffuse everything, turning her into a silhouette. There was no sound, no movement, no thought and no voice. He resumed breathing as if he had been drowned, feeling suddenly sick to his stomach. The buzz in his head did not resemble reason. He couldn't seem to make out her face. "How many people have you slept with?" It just came out, painfully.
"One," she said quickly. "Damion," she reached out as if to touch him.
"One," he said, drawing a blank and pulling back. "That's not a big deal," he said automatically. "Lots of people have..."
"I'm sorry," she said, cutting in with an emotional outcry, shaking her head. "Don't make it trivial. I know who you are. It's different with us, I know. Please try to understand."
"Who?" he demanded. "When? How?"
"It doesn't matter," she said, biting her lip. "After my mother died."
"You knew about me then."
"I knew."
"You knew you would marry me."
She closed her eyes, a hot tear sliding down her cheek. "I knew."
He tried to rationalize. It was very common. One was a small number. Lots of people had sex with multiple people before they ever settled down with someone, and even then in many cases... but it was so radically different from what he expected in his situation. He would never have a virgin girl if he stayed true to her. He would never be anyone's first love. Should that bother him? Did it matter? "Why?" he wanted to know. "Were you in love with somebody else when you found out about me? Or did you do it because of me? Because you hated me even then? You didn't want to have only me?"
She choked, tears in her eyes. "Oh, God, Damion. I didn't know you then! I've never loved before."
"That's why?" he repeated in wonder, and he could see in her face that it was. "Not in love? You just wanted sex? Or you just wanted to spite me? You felt trapped, so you...?"
"I don't know," she said. "My mother was dead. I went to a party. I drank a lot. I remember meeting him. I remember talking to him, but not very well. God, Damion, I was so drunk. I was so fucking drunk." She choked as if she had made some hilarious joke she hadn't the strength to laugh at. "I've never regretted anything so much."
He couldn't say anything. The scenario didn't make sense to him. It didn't seem real. He couldn't see it. His throat was swelled up. "And now I can't touch you?" he said, reaching for her arm and then pulling back as if she burned. His tears blurred the sight of her. "I can't have your heart, or your love, or your sex." He trembled. He felt his soul was going to break staring at her, so vulnerable, so attractively vulnerable. He didn't know if he wanted to hold and comfort her or shout at her. His passion was wild, untamable. He wanted to break her in two and mend her to him simultaneously. "What part of you can I have?"
"You weren't supposed to fall in love with me! I told you in the beginning I wouldn't make you a proper wife." Stumbling forward, she pulled up close against him. The proximity was like fire, warm and deadly. She touched his cheek with her thumb, looking into his eyes, begging for some understanding from him. She shook her head repeatedly, little shakes almost like a vibration. "You have pretty eyes, Damion. Has anyone ever told you that?"
"Like the morning," he said, unable to move at all. "Everyone says that."
She closed her eyes and pulled her hand back. "If it helps, I don't remember it at all."
It took a moment for that to register, the scenario of her experience coming clearer. His thoughts took several leaps. He felt sick to his stomach. "You don't remember it?"
She smiled bitterly. "Not a fucking thing."
It was a bad joke, and too true.
"You were that drunk?"
Her voice was so bitter. "I'm sure that raises you opinion of me."
"Did you agree to have sex with this man? Don't you remember any of it?"
She clenched her eyes shut, and her voice trembled. "I think I blacked out before I had even lost all of my clothes. I don't remember any sights, sounds or sensations. Nothing. It is like a gap in memory. I just remember that it happened, and waking up alone in a strange bed, knowing...." She couldn't even look at him now. "Damion, I didn't want to tell you any of this. I wanted to bury it."
His whole body felt weak. He wanted to comfort her, but his passion was such a strange and wild thing. He was afraid he might accidentally hurt her if he tried to help her now. He wondered how she could have hidden that she wasn't a virgin from him, or had she merely meant to wait until it was too late for him to act on it? But that wasn't his primary interest. "So you say you agreed to do it? How?"
"I didn't say no," she said.
Oh God. He didn't know whether to gather her up or stay out of her space. "Audrey," he pleaded, "that could be considered rape. If you're drunk and you don't agree..."
"It wasn't."
"Audrey..."
"It wasn't!" Her eyes flashed, her arms snapping down. It was the first time she had raised her voice to him, and it seemed to appall her. She clamped a hand over her mouth, biting the flesh, tears in her eyes.
He stopped, letting it go. Would it be easier for him to accept if she said it was rape, if that somehow made her blameless? God, that was an awful thought.
She wilted into a chair beside him. He didn't realize he was even sitting. "I went to that party to be with boys," she said, drawing out her words one by one, as if on a string. "I didn't know what I wanted, but I remember hating my mother."
He raised his head. "Why?"
"Because she was dead, and I thought she had crippled me. I knew about you, but I didn't think of you as an actual person. I..." she stopped, flushing, playing with her nails. "It was so stupid."
It wasn't the act that upset him. He felt he couldn't blame her for what happened. To him, it was rape she refused to admit, perhaps to save her own strength and power. She was the not the type to admit being victimized easily. He would concede that if it were not rape, someone had at least taken advantage of her. He didn't want to think about it. It made him sick and furious. His head spun so badly he couldn't see straight. He thought he might throw up at any moment.
"Damion," she whispered, touching his shoulder with a soft, gently touch, like feathers.
How many times did he hear her say his name that way? She looked so vulnerable, so worried for him. How could she say she did not care about him and then look like that? He squeezed his hot eyes shut. She was still miles away from being his.
"What am I supposed to do now?" he said. "If you won't love me and you can't sexually satisfy me?"
"Please," she said urgently, her hand dropping away. "I want you to be satisfied. I'm just afraid."
He stared at her. "You mean if I force you you can."
"Damion..."
He let his head fall into his hands. "I don't know if I could do that. I don't think so."
"Don't think that's what has to happen. I don't know what it's like really. What I hear is so different from what I know."
All of her memories were bad, and who didn't rely more on their own experience than a stranger's advice? He just looked at her. "You don't love me at all?"
She bit her lip.
"Forget I asked," he said. "I promised I wouldn't pressure you. I...." He stood up, suddenly needing to move.
She slumped in her chair as if defeated. "Will you send me home?" she asked in a voice that sounded so lost. His chest ached. He wanted to love her so badly, but he couldn't find it in him to touch her.
"No," he said.
She lifted her head. "Why not? Because you love me?"
"Because you will make a good queen. I won't tell anyone about your history. It doesn't matter to anyone but me and I..." He clamped his teeth shut. He couldn't say truthfully that he didn't care at all. It would take a little time to get used to it. He needed space and air. "Excuse me, I have work to do."
"Damion!" She halted him with his name and he stopped, unable to refuse her voice.
"What?"
"Do you hate me now?"
"No," he said truthfully. "I'll get over it. It was just a shock."
"You are disappointed."
"I expected something different."
"But you don't resent me?"
"No."
"Do you still love me?"
He stared at her, trembling, and moved toward her again. Taking her hand, he pulled her up from the chair and touched her face, sliding his fingers across her neck and threading them in her hair. "Yes," he said, looking into her eyes. "Don't you believe me when I say I do?"
"Damion..."
"Because I really do," he said, and watched her pale cheeks flush with a pink stain. "I wish I could make you happier."
"You do make me happy," she whispered right on top of his words. "I would be honored to be your wife. I just don't think..."
"Then don't think," he interrupted. "Because when I look at you I can't think of anything else. When I think of you..."
She shook her head, dislodging his hands. He let his fingers trail down her neck and fall at his side. Her face was all one color again, soft white skin, cool as marble. If not for the tears clinging to her eyelashes, she could have been a statue. "I've never felt anything like that."
He just looked at her, crushed seeing her honesty. His chest felt
tight, his heart constricted. He pulled away, needing some air.
"Good day, my lady," he fumbled, and fled the room.
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