Temper the Soul

Chapter 23

By zapenstap

Audrey followed Julia into the cabin of the plane while Heero led Relena toward the tower with the other soldiers. Audrey did not want to guess how many bodies there were out there. She was having trouble enough with the dead men outside their plane. She had never seen anyone killed before and it was difficult to process the fact that Relena had shot one of those men.

Perhaps it was not too unbelievable. Relena certainly had what it took to shoot a gun, especially with Heero's life at stake. Love like that would have strange effects on a girl like Relena and those two were certainly in love. The way their eyes met stuck in her mind, his dark blue smoldering meeting her clear blue-green ones, looks that spoke volumes without making a sound. Even their smaller movements, a crook of a finger, a shift in stance, a twist of the neck, seemed to mimic each other. She felt her heart stir when Heero led Relena away with an unconscious hand behind her back, seeming to have forgotten the rest of them, lost in their own little world. It made her remember a feeling of golden warmth that she had forgotten in the last few hours. Though she was thankful they were together again, her fears for Damion had escalated. Of course seeing them happy would remind her of him. Her fears… her fears… she was afraid even to think of them.

"It could take hours for the Preventors to come her and organize," Julia said as soon as they were inside and the walkway was drawn up behind them. She did not sound happy, but neither did she sound angry at anyone in particular.

Audrey sat down. She didn't mean to, but she saw a seat and simply sank into it, breathing a little too hard. Her hands fell into her lap, limp at the wrist, her fingers twisting the wedding ring on her finger. The diamond glittered like a star on her finger, but she tried not to look at it. "I fear I am going to be ill," she said, and even felt a little shaky saying it. "Julia, Abel will not keep Damion alive forever. As soon as he thinks he's frightened us enough, he will do whatever it is he has planned and leave us to pick up the pieces."

Julia only frowned, the ringlets around her face swaying like curled golden ropes as she turned her head. "Which is one reason why I do not think we can afford to waste this time. However, I do not know if it is possible to rescue Damion without the army the gundam pilots are relying on. We may have to rely on it too in the end, but I do not think we can wait. If there is any hope for Damion, it must be in speed. What I know of Gardiner is that he is patient when it suits him, but efficient more often than not. Taravren will be in a tizzy by now. If he means to do something horrible and hasn't already he will soon."

Audrey closed her eyes and tried not to think what that might be. "God," she broke, releasing a few pent-up tears, her fingers crunching the material of her pants. "Isn't it possible he means him no real harm?"

The other woman was silent, pursing her lips in thought, but her eyes were sympathetic and a tad touched with fear.

"I don't know," Julia said softly. "He said he would burn Camadrie to the ground but that didn't happen. He has said a lot of things really. It is difficult to say what he wants and what he may do. My worst fear is that he doesn't want anything, that he is merely angry. The more Taravren tries to negotiate for their prince, the angrier he might become. Eventually he will react. That is what I am afraid of."

Audrey closed her eyes, shuddering. "What do we do? Wait? God help me, Julia, I can't stand it."

"We go," Julia said, and Audrey raised her head, blinking uncertainly. "I know where Gardiner is now," Julia said grimly. "Those soldiers told me, if not in so many words. A pity they were killed, but I don't really think it would have been wise to spare them either." Julia turned crystal blue eyes into Audrey's face. "I don't know what will happen to us, but I think it might be important that we reach Gardiner before the Preventors do. I think we should try, if you are brave enough."

"Why?" Audrey breathed.

"For Damion," Julia said. "I do not know what sort of state he is in right now, but if it is anything close to what I fear, he may not return to us the same person he was a few days ago, at least not at first. You must trust me on this. It will take him time to recover from this, mentally certainly, and likely physically too, but it can always be worse."

Audrey did not know what Julia thought they could do for Damion now if that was the case, nor how it could be worse if they did not intervene, but she did not ask. She trusted Julia's social instincts by this time, and she could not wait here. She was not afraid of Gardiner. She was afraid that Damion would die before Gardiner could be caught, or that he would die while she waited here. She was not afraid of death herself. She did not think she would be killed anyway, at least not before she saw Damion. If she could be useful even as a distraction, it would not be too little.

"Then let's go," she said quietly. "Order the plane to take off. Ignore the others."

There was no reason to take any of the others with them, not for a mission such as this. Cornering Gardiner with Preventors and guns would either frighten him or enrage him and who knew what would happen to any of the people she loved then? Damion could not afford that. If she wanted to see him again, she would have to put herself in Gardiner's power and trust to luck and her own sense on intuition where he was concerned. She prayed it was enough.

*****

"Whoa!" Duo shouted, twisting around as a hollow blast and a roar echoed over the plains.

Unconsciously, Heero protected Relena's head, tucking her body under his arm and pulling her close up against him. She gasped in surprise.

The sound of engines charging drowned out Duo's following shouts. Halfway to the tower, everyone turned. As soon as it was clear that there was no immediate danger, Relena straightened, though her arms remained around Heero's chest. He didn't mind, though he didn't feel particularly clean or nice to hold after being in the field for so long.

Once facing the way they had come, it was clear what was making such a racket.

"The plane is taking off," Relena said in disbelief.

"With Audrey and Julia," Heero added grimly.

"But…where are they going?" Quatre asked. "And why didn't they tell us?"

"Back to Taravren?" Duo suggested. The plane had turned away from them and was beginning to roll away, gathering speed as it went. It would go to where the ground was flattest and then take off.

"No," Heero said. " They would have told us if they were going somewhere safe. They must be going after Damion. They don't want to wait."

The others turned startled faces at him, eyes wide and mouths agape.

"But Heero," Relena protested. "How do they know where to go? What can they possibly do when they get there?"

"Julia must know something," he said. "As for what they will do, I would think you would know. What were you going to do if you did not find us here?" he asked her.

"I knew we would find you," she said. "If not…" She shook her head. "I don't know. But I was sure I would find you."

How did he let this girl come to know him so well? Should he be afraid or feel safe knowing she could predict him?

"The question is," Trowa murmured, interrupting his thoughts, "what do we do now?"

"Nothing," Heero said. "We wait for Wufei and the others."

"But Heero…" Quatre protested. "The girls."

"We can't do anything, Quatre," he said somberly. "We have to hope they know what they are doing." He began to turn away, bringing Relena with him. "And really, I wouldn't put anything past that Julia woman. I think she could be an even match for Gardiner in a scuffle if it came down to it. We have to hope they have some sort of plan. We will be a better service to them if we to Damion with some hope of rescuing him. I doubt Gardiner is watching over him alone wherever he is."

Relena bowed her head, but she yielded to his judgement without argument. What Audrey had done was something Relena would have done in a heartbeat if he knew her at all. She must understand there was nothing any of them could really do. They could not catch the plane or track it or cut it off. They might have the equipment in the tower to contact it upstairs, but no one would want to be in that room for so pointless a task.

He needed to tell her.

"Relena," he said, and pulled her close. She gave him a funny look, as if trying to figure out what he was going to say before he said it. Perhaps she could figure that out too. "Relena," he continued, and looking into her questioning eyes, decided just to tell her. "Everyone that was part of Damion's guard and service is dead, including Manny."

For a moment, she looked as if he had hurt her, but then she wrapped her arms about him and said nothing for a long time.

Later, he sat alone with her in the jeep while the others identified the bodies. He would have helped, but he did not want her near the scene and he did not want to leave her alone. She sat in the backseat with him, her feet on the edge of the seat and her knees curled up under her chin. He knew she was thinking about it. After they sat together for awhile in silence, she voiced her desire to bury the dead in a small, but resolute voice.

"We have to stay here anyway," she whispered, her hands over her knees and her chin buried in the crack between them. He looked at her, feeling the wind prick at the bare skin of his neck and shoulders and blow his hair around every which way. She looked so sad huddled like she was, but her voice was perfectly calm, if tinged with something like sorrow or regret. "I can't bare to think of him lying up there and Damion captive somewhere. When we leave, I don't want to leave him like that. And not just Manny, but all those people."

"Relena," he said. "I don't want you to see it."

"I won't watch," she promised in a voice he could barely hear. "But I can't just leave him and let him… it… decay." She stopped speaking. The realities made them all feel strange, but he felt she had taken the news rather well: shock and grief, of course, but also immediate acceptance. There had been no denial or anger in her reaction. He supposed she must have considered if before. Everyone in Taravren must know by now.

"Relena," he interjected, "what about his family and Damion and everyone who knew him better than we did?"

Relena didn't look at him, but she replied in somewhat easy tones. "I know Damion would want him to be buried in Taravren, and probably his family and everyone else too, but those bodies won't make it that long in this heat and climate. There will be flies and…" she swallowed and looked away. "I just think it would be better to put him under the ground now."

He looked at her for a moment. Of course she was right, but it would be a difficult thing to explain to Damion. Maybe in the end it would be better. They could tell him they had buried him and not just left him. And Relena was right. The bodies wouldn't last long enough to bring them to Taravren, not in the condition they were in now. "All right," he said at last. "If we can find…" he didn't want to give names to the specific things involved. Shovels, sheets maybe…? He had never buried a body before. "I'll let the others know," he said. "Wait here?"

She nodded without lifting her chin from her knees.

They both hated the waiting.

*****

Leaning back against the wall with one knee propped up with his hands tied together in his lap, Damion stared into the darkness and tried to occupy his mind in such a way that he would not lose his sanity. The metal cords around his wrists and ankles kept him from moving much, but he had discovered locks on them, tiny locks meant for a tiny key. Nothing he could do loosened them, though he had tried until his wrists bled. He had given up for the time being.

He was not overly surprised when the door opened in the corner, admitting a sheet of yellow light from whatever lay beyond this room, but he squinted and turned his face away, having grown accustomed to the darkness in this cavern. A moment later, the door swung shut and he opened his eyes, blinking away the afterimages.

Strangely, Gardiner had come alone. That had only happened once before, and only for a short time. Damion thought it might have been the only visit where he had not been hit for a wrong answer or a slow response. Gardiner, he came to realize, rarely did any real violence himself. He rarely even commanded violence to be done; he just suggested it or let it happen. Damion was not sure which was worse.

Gardiner carried a lamp in his left hand, which he set down at his feet the minute he was standing before Damion. The lamp gave off a ghoulish gray light that did not hurt his eyes, though Damion was sure that that comfort was not what Gardiner had in mind when choosing that particular lamp. The light was eerie. Perhaps it was meant to frighten him.

"How are you?" Gardiner asked him as he lit one of the cigarettes he usually carried in his pockets with a match.

The smoke made Damion feel ill. There was no ventilation in this room and he was weak with hunger. He paid little mind to Gardiner's question. The man did not really care how he was feeling or he would not treat him like a leashed dog.

"I've informed your little Council of Lords about you," Gardiner continued smoothly when he didn't answer. "Your… Senate?" He smiled.

Still Damion didn't say anything, though he wondered about the people back home, about his mother and Terese…and Audrey. What would go through their minds at a time like this? He did not generate pity for himself on their behalf, though he would have traded a great deal for a comforting hand at that moment. But pity was not what he wanted or needed. If he had his way, he would ask for nothing but to see them all again. He wanted out of here, but he couldn't let himself dwell on that.

"Do you want to know how they responded?" Gardiner asked him. He never said such things with much excitement or emotion other than a twinge of amusement. Damion was starting to think that amusement was false, though, or at least a cover for deeper feeling. You did not hate people who merely amused you.

"Answer me," Gardiner said, and sounded more annoyed than he had a minute ago. "They offered me a great deal to send you home to your mother," Gardiner added. "Real pretty woman for her age too. She seemed worried about you."

Damion didn't answer. Instead he closed his eyes. He was so tired.

"Answer me!"

He flinched, his eyes snapping open, afraid and hating himself for it. "I don't know what you expect me to say," he said quietly. "Of course she would be worried about me. She's my mother."

This time Gardiner didn't answer. For a moment, Damion thought he felt something like resentment or reproach radiating from the man, but when he next spoke his voice was as cool and smooth as ever. "The council offered me a lot of money and land to release you unharmed," he said as he took another puff of smoke from his cigarette, smiling with a lucid-looking grin in the blue-gray light of the lamp. "But I already have plenty of both."

"I thought you were poor," Damion said quietly, feeling nothing. Perhaps it was better, or at least safer, to humor him.

Gardiner regarded him strangely, tilting his head to one side. "Yeah," he said, sounding surprised that Damion had remembered that. Abruptly his tone had mellowed to something almost normal and conversational. "Yes, I was poor," he said. Damion lifted his head, surprised by the change in the tone. Their eyes locked for a moment and suddenly Gardiner laughed. "I've been starving most of my life, but now I'm a self-made man." He paused. "Do you even know what it means to be poor? To starve every day?"

"Probably not," Damion replied.

The light from the lamp illuminated Gardiner's face like a ghost's face. His features were perfectly still, even stern. "Do you remember Clara Veron?" he asked in an ominous voice.

Shocked, Damion sat up straighter, suddenly wondering where this conversation was going. "Yeah," he said in the barest whisper. "She grew up with me." She died in my arms.

A short girl with dark hair and deep dark eyes, beautiful as a rose; that's what Manny had said. She had been the daughter of a Duke and lived in the palace with him most of her childhood. A very fussy, but sweet little girl until she went away for several years to study with another family. He would always remember the way she followed him around in her puffy dresses, tripping over her shoes and asking so many annoying questions, harassing him and Manny constantly. She had been in love with him all her life, or so she told him after she had been shot. She returned from her time away a completely different person, deceitful, haughty and ambitious. She had tried to coerce him into marrying her two years ago by sparking a rebellion that resulted in more than a few deaths, including her own. She had taken a bullet for him. He had never felt so much regret until that day.

Gardiner smiled. "You were supposed to marry her originally, right?"

His stomach twisted into knots and he swallowed hard, aware of himself and Gardiner and the room very sharply. "Not exactly," he said in a stronger voice than he had used in Gardiner's presence since that first day. "She might have been first choice if I had wanted to marry her when I came of age." He gasped, feeling out of breath. "What are you getting at?"

"Poor girl," Gardiner murmured. "I felt pretty sorry for her. She was always going on and on about you." To Damion's alarm, Gardiner's voice became higher in pitch, a surprisingly good imitation of Clara at her whiniest. "Damion won't even look at me anymore, Abel. He used to be so much nicer to me when we were kids, but even then he was kind of mean. Did you ever know anyone like that? I can't help the way I feel about him." Gardiner abruptly broke off that tone and laughed a little, his voice returning to normal. "Of course I helped her when she came to me with her idea and asked me if I knew where to find weapons."

"You sick bastard!" Damion spat, and sat up straighter against the wall. Gardiner had been one of the arms dealers? Most of them have been caught, but not all. "How did you know her? What did you do to her?"

"Nothing," Gardiner said, tossing his cigarette butt aside. "I met her when I moved back to Taravren after I had made my fortune. She was a real pretty girl and I liked her an awful lot, but I didn't do anything to her." He laughed again, at him, Damion was sure. "She liked me, I think, but she wouldn't let me touch her," he said. "She was saving herself for you and was all very prim and proper about it."

Abruptly, Damion realized Gardiner was furious, and maybe pained too. When he next spoke, all the amusement, all the emotion in general, was completely gone, but Damion could still feel the anger boiling up through Gardiner's eyes.

"You're a real idiot not giving her anything she wanted," Gardiner continued in almost dead tones. "I would have if I were you."

"I didn't love her," Damion said quietly, amazed in spite of himself, his heart beating more quickly in his chest. "I never hated her, but I never felt about her the way she felt about me. What happened with Clara was a mistake. She assumed too much, but I never wanted…"

"Proud bastard. I used to see her when I would see you," Gardiner interrupted, and assumed those amused tones again. "As a kid I mean. She was pretty then too, or I thought so, but she was really beautiful when she came back to Taravren after her time away, stunning I would say. What were you, blind? Didn't try for her as you did Audrey Veron, did you?"

His mouth went dry.

Gardiner smiled again. "See, I don't understand. Audrey is a real frosty girl, hard to get to know, and so depressing. Why the hell would you choose to love her over someone so full of intellect and energy like Clara?"

"How do you know Audrey?" he breathed in such a quiet voice he would not have been able to hear himself if not for the echo in the room. Gardiner had mentioned her before, that first day, but he had dismissed it then. Now his heart felt like a frozen stone in his chest.

Gardiner's eyes slid halfway shut, making his smile seem a great mockery of his emotions. "I fucked her a few years ago," he said casually. "I've fucked a lot of girls in my time, but I remember that pretty well. It was planned after all."

He couldn't breathe or move for fully a minute. "You're lying," he gasped out at last.

"Oh, I assure you that I'm not," Gardiner said quite practically. "She was a pretty good fuck too, though she didn't participate as much as I would have liked. You know how virgins are. Still, she and Clara have a lot of similar features so that's something to her credit. Real nice breasts. Nice skin too. Pale like cream and very smooth…"

"Shut up…" Damion said with a voice that shook with anger. He wanted to smash his face in.

"Her hair's a nice contrast to her skin," Gardiner continued, looking him straight in the eyes. "Especially when she's not wearing any clothes. I sort of remember the way in feels. Silky. Her skin is silky too. Yeah, I think she was more out of it then anything at the time. She might be better now. Think I should try again?"

"Shut up!" He jerked against the restraints that shackled him to the wall. Standing about halfway erect, he yanked at his bonds, futilely, the cords digging into the scrapes and cuts already in his wrists. The futility drove him back to the ground more than anything else, but he continued to thrash in fury, kicking and flexing his arms in an attempt to break free off his bindings and lunge at Gardiner's face. God, he was helpless. "I don't believe you," he said at last, gasping for breath, tears in his eyes. His voice shuddered with the tension in his body, almost like a growl. "If you…"

The back of Gardiner's hand caught him against the side of the face and he gasped, opening his eyes. The blow didn't really hurt, but it rung his head like a bell. Wrapping a hand around his throat, Gardiner pushed his head back against the wall. His eyes were terrifying.

"I have a letter from her to you," he said. "It was left on the table in the watchroom of the tower. Do you want to read it?"

He could scarcely breathe much less reply as Gardiner withdrew an envelope from his back pocket and held it before his face. It had been opened. "I already read it myself," Gardiner said with a smile in response to Damion's shock. "I don't know how you did it. I didn't think she was really capable of loving anybody, but with you she at least fakes it really well." He smile grew wider, into almost a grin. "When you're done reading," he said, "I'll tell you more about the night I spent with her. She doesn't seem to remember much of it, but I remember more. I'll tell you all about it in detail." Pushing the letter against his chest, Gardiner released him and stood up, returning to the lamp. He didn't move it a foot closer, but the lighting was just enough. He only watched as Damion read.

Damion held the letter with shaking hands, unable to even hold it properly. Slowly, he managed to withdraw the paper inside, and by the handwriting he knew it really was from her. He had recognized the letter anyway. He had wanted to read it so badly.

Audrey. Audrey.

Her face, the feel of her hands, the look in her eyes blurred in his head as he forced himself to open that letter and read what she had written. It didn't feel real until he was more than halfway through.

…I don't remember exactly what happened. We talked. He led me into a room and it happened. I was fading before I was even undressed. I might have protested, but I can't remember. I don't think he considered it rape. If he did, I don't feel less guilty…

It had been Gardiner. Of all people…

"It was planned after all."

The pain in his chest was not from the bruises on his ribs. It was a real effort to choke back tears. His whole body was shaking by the time he finished, his mind clouded with dark shadows. The images were too much. He saw her with him, drunk, bewildered, naked, and every variation of what could have happened enraged him. Did he rape her? Did she consent? Almost all the trials they had gone through were a result of this.

If he ever felt any sympathy for Abel Gardiner, detected even an ounce of humanity in him, it vanished now. All that remained was a dull ache and razor-sharp hatred. He wanted to murder him. When he looked up, the other man must have seen it in his eyes.

"You don't seem to understand the situation," Gardiner said calmly in response to that look.  "Are you angry with me?  Not as angry as I am with you.  I think we could both use a little clarification.  You shouldn't be worrying about her.  It's you that I am going to ruin.  There's been some bad news from the field and I don't like the way you're looking at me.  I think I have been too easy on you." 

Damion's thoughts of Audrey vanished, but he was not sensible enough to feel shame, for his eyes were drawn to the flash of steel that came into Gardiner's hand.  His whole body reacted violently, remembering the feel of kicks and slashes already received from those whose hatred was paltry compared to this man.  And then he remembered what his first guard had told him about his eyes.  Struggling in his chains, he half shouted and half cursed, but he knew that none of it would be to any avail.  Inside him, something began to break down and go wild.

*****

It was dawn by the time Heero heard the sound of engines in the distance. Once all the bodies were identified as well as they could be, they sent a report to Preventor headquarters and tried to get some rest, everyone lying out on the ground by the jeep on the other side of the tower from where they had fought for their lives. Heero did not sleep well. He kept remembering what it had felt like to bury someone. Who would have buried him, if he had died in battle as he wanted all those years ago? He supposed it wouldn't really matter, but it was never something he had considered before.

Relena slept beside him on the ground by the base of the tower, her hands curled and her head resting in the crook of his arm. He really did not like her out here. And yet, in some ways her presence was comforting. If she had been someone of less strength and experience he would have sent her home whatever she wanted, but he found he couldn't do it.

After all, she had been in many battles. She had just never fought in one. He wouldn't let her fight now. Once was enough. It wouldn't happen again.

One day soon they would be able to go home and furnish their house. He just kept thinking of that. One day soon.

It was the engines that roused him from his rest. The other woke too, all of them stiff and sore, but better for the few hours of sleep they had gotten.

"Wufei," Duo said with a smile.

"Has to be," Heero said.

"Thank God," Relena said, sitting up with him. "I've been worrying about Damion. I didn't sleep much."

"Me either," Heero said, but he had been trying to forget about Damion. He hated having missions he had to wait to complete. But now that Relena said it, he could scarcely think of anything else. "I hope we're not too late."

*****

"Is that it?" Audrey asked, looking out the window. Her heart was racing.

"I think so," Julia murmured. "We should be there soon."

Audrey closed her eyes. Please, God, let him be alive and well.

She prayed for his safety. She didn't know what she would do when she saw Gardiner after all this time, but it hardly mattered. She was here for Damion Ravineere, who she hoped would marry her if she could bring him home. She could only hope he was the same man he had been. If he was not, or his feelings had changed...

It didn't matter now. She loved him.

I love him.