Temper the Soul
Chapter 29
By Zapenstap
Damion sat alone in his study, staring at the wall. There were a million papers spread out over his desk, but he could scarcely concentrate long enough to understand what they were even about.
I'm getting married tonight.
It was five am and the ticking of the second hand on the clock sounded like a gong in his head. He hadn't been able to sleep and it was no wonder. He thought trying to work would tire him out, but it hadn't. He had tried reading, but the stories couldn't capture his attention.
I'm going to have sex with Audrey tonight.
He wasn't sure if he was more excited or scared. His mind was a storm in turbulence. Even knowing the hours were ticking away could not force the darkness from his mind and his emotions were in perpetual conflict. Every time the absence of Manny crept into his thoughts, he built up a wall, trying to concentrate only on Audrey. Every time Gardiner crept into his thoughts the walls crumbled.
Strangely, he wasn't angry anymore, not like he had been. Returning to the palace after his incident with Heero, he had cried again, a raging sort of emotion release until he cried himself to asleep, and when he woke the anger was just gone. He still couldn't quite let go of the idea that Gardiner deserved to be killed and he should be able to watch, but he no longer wanted to chase the man down himself. He was too tired. His grief was too much for his mind to handle. All he felt now was a dark aching in his blood and in his bones, a pain deep and hurtful that swelled like a river after the rain. He missed Manny more than he hated Gardiner. It was like a part of him, a part of him that had been there his whole life, had been cut off. Manny had been his servant since he was two years old. He would have traded his eyes to have him back.
And now he was getting married. He wasn't sure he could go through with it in this state. There were all those people watching, a thousand in the church alone, and his heart was so empty. After the ceremony came the reception and after the reception would be the real trial, when he would take his wife into his new rooms, the royal chamber, the king's quarters, and make love to her. It had to be tonight and it had to be there. After that, if he wanted to take her away for a honeymoon, he could, but he wasn't sure how the night would go. What if she turned stiff and became reluctant and he had to force her? What if she cried the whole time? What if he was so absorbed in his other emotions he became aggressive and hurt her? What if she was just bored and unresponsive, waiting it out?
He stared down at his hands, at the mail on his desk, looking for some distraction. His eyes fell on an envelope addressed to him personally, written in a woman's hand, but before he could reach for it, there came a knock at the door.
He raised his head in time to see Audrey enter without waiting for a response, and he did a double take just to be sure it was her. He hadn't seen her since before his fight with Heero and wasn't supposed to see her until the wedding. She stood before him looking uncertain. She wore the same dark blue outfit she had worn when he saw her for the first time, silk pants and a matching top that was both comfortable and elegant. Her hair was gathered up behind her head in a roll, with loose ends trailing down her neck in tight curls and beautiful pins like exotic flowers tucked up into her hair. She rarely wore her hair up, and her neck was something to look at. He would have enjoyed looking at her more if she did not look like she was getting ready to go somewhere…at five in the morning on her wedding day.
"What are you doing here?" he whispered, getting out of his chair. She shouldn't be here. She couldn't be leaving…could she? "Are you going somewhere?"
"I'll be back before the wedding," she said, her mouth slightly parted as she stared at him. The way she stared at him caught him by surprise and he found himself sinking into her eyes, studying the curl of the lashes, the brown irises, the black interior. Her eyes seemed to be trying to draw him into her, tugging him toward her. He took a half step in her direction with the thought of kissing her deeply, but checked himself hastily.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"You look better," she said, licking her lips nervously. "I heard that you had calmed down and I wanted to see you…" She shook her head, closing her eyes. "I was a little afraid," she said. "Have you made peace with yourself? Do you still hate Abel so much that you…"
He couldn't take his eyes off her, and in his distraction his mind made leaps. "Manny is dead," Damion interrupted quietly, but not angrily, just reminding her of a truth that he could not let go of. "And I miss him. No matter how I try I can't forget that Gardiner is responsible for murdering him. My own bruises have healed, but Manny can't come back. He didn't deserve to die."
"I know," Audrey said. The expression on her face moved him. She looked so sad, sad for him and not for herself. Again, he wanted to touch her, to pull her close, but he was afraid he might start crying again. He hated when he did that. "But I can't endure it, Damion. You need to stop hating him. I'm afraid to let you love me if you don't."
"How can I?" he asked.
"Try," she said. He began to shake his head, but she interrupted him, lifting a hand gracefully. "I'll make a deal with you. I'm going to my father's. I'm going to talk to him… about my mother, and try to make peace with him and myself." She lowered her eyes, her hands clenching into fists. "I've never done anything so difficult." As she lifted her head, he saw that there were tears in her eyes, and emotions he had never thought to see in her face. "It goes against my feelings but it is the right thing to do and I need it. I'll do what I can and be back in time for the wedding. It will take me hours to get ready, but when I see you at the altar…" her eyebrows were knit together even as she smiled, "I'm going to be there knowing it will last forever. And I want you to be there knowing the same, and not hating me…for what happened."
He was stunned. This proposal must be…enormously difficult for her. "I don't…"
"I've been thinking about it since I last saw you," she continued. "About my father. God help me, I must want to love him or I wouldn't hate him so much for the mistakes he's made. I know you don't hate me," she added, "but I know it has been hard for you to forgive me and to let go of what Abel has done. I know you loved Manny and I know how much you miss him. Believe me, I do, but even if you're sad you have to let him go and move on with life." Her eyes looked so pleading that he swallowed. Her eyes seemed to shimmer.
"Okay," he said, breathing quickly. He wasn't even sure where the response sprung from, but he knew he believed it. He didn't want her to cry. He would promise anything. "I'll try. Go to your father's. If you can do that…" He was still amazed that she had even been able to suggest it. "God, if you can do that, I can do anything."
She smiled at him, again with her eyes shimmering with tears, and walked toward him. Her hand touched his face softly, just by the ear, as she bit her lip and looked into his eyes with such understanding and encouragement that his heart stirred. He couldn't help it. He kissed her, amazed as his mouth remembered the soft welcome of her lips. She closed her eyes, choking with emotion as his arms went about her waist, trembling in his embrace but not pulling away. He couldn't believe how right she felt in his arms, how much he wanted to go on holding her forever, but he broke their contact, swallowing.
"I love you," he said in the still silence that followed.
"I love you too," her lips moved, voicing the words so quietly he could only just barely hear the pronunciation on the "t". "I'll see you tonight," she said more audibly. Smiling, she touched his cheek again and walked away, the door closing softly behind her.
For a moment he couldn't move, feeling strange, but mostly scared. The clock in the room was still ticking, the seconds passing by. Feeling slightly dizzy, he went back to his desk and lifted the letter up from underneath a pile of other business. Using the electric letter opener, he cut off the top and pulled out an impressive amount of pages, all hand written in a delicate, feminine hand he recognized as belonging to Julia. His heart almost stopped beating as he held the letter in his hands, his vision blurring at the site of it. He couldn't read it. The words would not come into focus. Swallowing, he stuffed the pages back into the envelope and sat at his desk with his head in his hands.
"Manny, where are you?" he said to nobody, squeezing his eyes shut. Tears leaked out of them, hot, liquid tears, and he wiped them away absently. What did Julia have to say? Could he stand to read it?
With shaking hands, he spread the letter on the table, not sure what he would find.
To Prince Damion Ravineere, who shall soon be a king and a husband both if he is not already,
I do not know if you can forgive me, but know that I am sorry for any additional burden my actions may have caused you. I fear you must think you are betrayed. I can not imagine how you are feeling, but the rumors I hear worry me.
I have taken care of Gardiner. You will never have to see or worry about him again. I know you may have wanted to deal with him yourself, but it is better this way. It will do no good, I know, to tell you that he was not quite right in the head and I don't mean that in reference to his violence. He was violent, but he doesn't remember being so. This is a difficult thing to explain, and perhaps to you it is irrelevant, but it was difficult to get him to admit ever harming anyone. I image the men who died in the watchtower died by his orders, but he doesn't remember that. I can't explain it except to say that violence terrifies him. Something happened to him in his past, perhaps repeatedly, and he has difficulty remembering anything that associates himself with what he hated. I'm not asking you to forgive him. He is guilty of countless injuries and for that he deserves death. For awhile I was reluctant to see this through. Believe it or not, but I may have come to care about this criminal. He had a fascinating intellect, but be that as it may, I have taken care of him…
He stopped reading. Drawing in quick, painful breaths, he folded the letter (there were still many more pages) and stuffed it into his coat pocket. His hands shook even after doing so. What game was she playing? What did she want from him? She seemed to be saying that Gardiner was not as guilty as he thought, that the man deserved some sort of compassion in spite of his crimes. But Manny was dead and he couldn't shake the image of his servant's body as it had hit the ground, his face blown apart, one eye missing. Many people were dead. What did she want him to say? And what did she mean she had taken care of Gardiner? Had Julia killed him herself, hired someone to do it, or did she merely mean she had spirited him away where he would never be heard from again? Why would she show that kind of mercy for such a man as Abel Gardiner? The man was brilliant and so was she. Maybe she found a match for herself and didn't want to give him up. Damion knew her appetites. Maybe, as messed up as it seemed, Abel Gardiner satisfied them. If he was so fascinating could Damion really expect a woman like Julia, whose care for anyone was questionable, to give up her game for a boy she had taught to kiss, even if he was a prince? Damion was one of the few people who knew that Julia had suffered abuse by her early lovers. Damion had comforted her and befriended her then. So had Manny. And now here she was, back on the same old paths. He couldn't understand. How could she just let Manny go and sleep with the man who had murdered him? He did not understand her double standard.
There was no one to talk to. Manny was dead. Julia was gone. Terese was gone. Heero was with Relena in their hotel in the city, happy being married and not wishing to be disturbed. Audrey had left to see her father. He could talk to his mother, but he had already made peace with her and he did not want to rouse her at this hour.
"I'm alone," he said, and only the books on the shelves and the papers on his desk heard him.
He thought again of Mary and drew a deep breath, not wishing to travel those paths. That had been a crazy moment. He was going to marry Audrey tonight. The wedding band was in his pocket. With Manny gone, there was no one he trusted to carry it. He couldn't bear the idea of having someone else as his best man. He felt suffocated. He needed to talk to someone about this. Why couldn't he let Manny go? Desperately, he tried to think his way out of this painful prison, wishing he had a woman's mind to deal with these kind of emotions. What would he do if someone else came to him looking as emotionally confused as he felt right now?
Feeling conflicted, he got up out of his chair and determined to go…somewhere. He needed to think.
*****
The taxicab dropped Heero and Relena off at the Palace around three o-clock in the afternoon, still several hours before the wedding. Damion was supposed to be dressed in his formal attire and down at the church by five, but no one knew where he was or when he had left. Someone on the Palace staff had called Relena to see if she had seen him anywhere. Heero hadn't seen him since their fight two days before and had talked to him only once. But they both agreed to come down to the palace anyway.
When the cab rolled up to the gates, Heero got out first and let Relena out on the other side. Her hand curled over his wrist as she stepped out into the street and looked around. Several people came to take Relena's purse and their coats. Apparently, everyone knew they were back in Damion's good graces, which meant full hospitality even if he wasn't there.
Neither Damion nor Audrey was in the Palace right now. Rumor had it that Audrey had traveled to her home estates in the country and would return to the city with her father in more than enough time for the wedding. That meant she would have to return soon because it would likely take four hours to have her bathe in a special, traditional bath, apply lotions, have her hair and make-up done and stuff her into that huge and elaborate wedding dress. Heero didn't understand it at all, but Relena seemed fascinated by the whole affair.
"She's the consort to a king, Heero. There's a lot that goes into her wedding day."
Heero shrugged. It took him less than three minutes to get dressed every morning. It took ten minutes today, but that was only because he was dressed up in a blue blazer with silver cufflinks and a dress shirt the required little adjustments. Relena had combed his hair for him--not that it had done much good--but the whole thing felt like a bother. He felt far too fancy and the only thing that made it worthwhile was the way Relena had bit her lip and told him how his coat brought out his eyes and how handsome he looked. He couldn't imagine needing four hours to get ready for anything, but Relena said that was a minimal amount of time and Audrey would have to hurry.
Relena was gorgeous. He couldn't stop staring at her. She had been getting ready while he was sleeping so he didn't know how long it had taken, but she looked positively stunning. Her dress was a cream-colored gown that clove to her body from shoulders to ankles. And it glittered. At first he thought it had sequins, but when he looked more closely it appeared to be made of tiny little iridescent beads, at least on the outer layer. More than that, it had no sleeves. The thing wrapped around the top of her breasts and around her back, but her shoulders were completely bare. She had rubbed lotion into her skin that smelled like the tropics, coconut and water lilies, and it made her skin glitter right along with her dress. She had pulled her hair up off her face, wrapping it into an elaborate bun behind her head, like a brown-blonde cinnamon roll with curls popping out here and two long tresses streaming down either side of her face, curled into tight little ringlets. He couldn't stop touching her. Every time she smiled, he had to smile back and kiss her, or trail a finger along her shoulder, or put a hand around her waist. The best part about her ensemble was the way his wedding ring shone like a star on her finger. The only problem was that no matter how lovely it was to show her off, he still wanted to take her to a secluded place and undress her. The hair could stay, but eventually the clothes had to go.
Without Terese, the palace was chaos in preparation. It would have been worse if the dark-haired girl hadn't done all of the prep-work already, but as it was, no one seemed to have a full understanding of what was going on. There were carts and boxes everywhere. The kitchens were preparing feasts for too many guests to count. Tables were being set up in the dining room, overlaid with white table clothes and decorated with elaborate centerpieces, silver, flowers and candles. The whole affair just in the palace had cost a fortune. Heero hadn't been down to see the church yet.
He was aware that somewhere there were crowns, probably sealed away right now, but it was a strange thing to think about. The crowning ceremony was mixed with the wedding ceremony, which changed everything traditional about it. There was no wedding march or bridesmaids or bouquet. The affair was more formalized, and focused more on the crowning than on the wedding, which made a sort of political sense. It was likely that a great many people in Taravren would be watching at least on television, and thousands would be in physical attendance.
It was no wonder the palace was in chaos. After the ceremony, the new King of Taravren with his Queen would go to the reception in the palace to meet and greet everybody who had been invited. The difference was that in a traditional reception the bride was the focus of attention, but where Damion was concerned, the Prince, or King now, was always the focus. Audrey would be Queen of Taravren and so it was her party too, but she would share it with Damion, and today all the loyalties would change. People would start to defer to Audrey now, the Council Lords would give their blessing, members of all the best families in the country would bow or curtsey and when the party was done, the King and Queen would retire. Heero knew there was a room being set up for that too, the royal chamber, empty since Jacob Ravineere had died and his wife had new quarters prepared for herself out of grief. Now the rooms were being redone, in a décor Audrey had most likely chosen, and that's where the marriage would be consummated.
"Where is Damion?" Relena said as they stood in the middle of the lobby, watching everyone scurry around. Other people were dressed up too, though few outshone Relena in his mind, but the palace staff was just trying to get things under control.
Heero put a hand on the small of her back and just shook his head. "He'll be here. He's got to put on those ridiculous robes he wears for formal occasions. How long do you think that takes?"
Relena laughed behind her hand and smiled at him with sparkling blue eyes. "I have no idea."
"Heero! Relena!"
They turned to see Duo charging toward them. And lo and behold, Hilde was with him, grinning from ear to ear with her hands wrapped around his arm.
"Duo," Relena greeted him with a smile, "Hilde! When did you get here?"
"Yesterday," the slim, dark-haired girl said with an even brighter smile. "I came as soon as I could find someone to watch over the business. Thanks for finding him, Heero," she added quietly.
Heero shrugged. "Duo gets himself in and out of his own trouble."
Duo looked puzzled. "I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean, but I think I'll take it as a compliment for the day," he said slowly, scratching his head. "The other guys are here too, in the city anyway. They'll be at the church in time for the ceremony, though. Where's Damion?"
"Nobody knows," Relena said. "But I'm starting to get worried."
Duo blinked. "He wouldn't miss his own wedding. It's not like he can escape anywhere. He's probably just nervous."
"He's not in the palace," Heero began, "With Manny dead, he may be trying to…"
"Audrey," Relena said suddenly, tugging on Heero's arm.
She had just come in the front door, her hair done up and her night blue traveling clothes dust stained. She came in with her father, a tall, imposing man with gray at his temples and dark, piercing eyes. There was something of Audrey in his face and his presence, a similarity about the way they both held themselves, a stubbornness and a strong will. Seeing Heero, Relena and the others, Audrey turned to her father, held his arm and said a few words. Then she turned and approached them.
"Where is Damion?" she asked in a soft voice. "No one I've talked to seems to know where he has gone."
Heero said nothing as his wife spoke confidently. "He's not in the palace, Audrey, but he'll be back."
Audrey's eyes looked troubled, but she nodded a little jerkily. "I must start getting ready. There is so much to do. If you see him, tell him I will be waiting for him and that I am ready now."
"There are probably a dozen people waiting to help you in your rooms," Relena told her. "We'll tell him."
Audrey nodded and turned away from them. In the middle of the room she raised her hand and people immediately dropped what they were doing to assist her. Her father was escorted away and Audrey herself was taken upstairs. Looking at her, Heero thought he had never seen anyone so nervous, but she carried herself with grace and poise despite the twinge of terror in her eyes.
"Where is he?" Duo muttered. "Man, I expected you to do this, Heero, not Damion."
"Me?" Heero said. "Do what?"
"Disappear hours before your own wedding and…hopefully…show up just in time."
"He's got a lot to deal with," Heero said with dark confidence. "But he'll be here."
*****
Damion sat with his hands folded, staring at an altar in a much smaller church then the one where his wedding was being prepared. There was a crucifix hanging in the back and stained glass windows in the walls, but the room was very simple. The pews were plain wood and padded. There were bibles and songbooks tucked in a little shelf like a pocket in the back of the pews, something Damion remembered seeing when he was a kid and used to come here on occasion with Manny. Damion's own parents attended the other church as was traditional for the royal family. Damion had been there too, but as kids he and Manny were inseparable and it was easier for him to go to Church with Manny than the other way around. Eventually he stopped going altogether and it had been a long time since he had gone anywhere for a worship service. The last time he was in a church building was at Heero and Relena's hastily thrown together wedding, but that hardly counted. It wasn't why he was here anyway.
There was no service right now. It was early in the morning on a Tuesday, but there were people in the church working. However, he came here to be alone and there was no one at all in the sanctuary except himself. He didn't even think anyone had seen him come in, not that they would have stopped him if they had. The sanctuary was open for anyone, and was supposedly a humble place to be, a place to think, and that was what he wanted.
It crossed his mind that people also came to churches for funerals. It was his wedding day, but he was thinking about death, and trying desperately not to. He had hoped coming here would make him feel the reality of Manny's death, make the image of his body under the ground more real, but all he could think about was the way he looked when he had when he was alive. And he couldn't stop. He didn't want Manny to be dead.
He blinked hot tears from his eyes and they slipped down his cheeks, leaving a salty residue. This should not be how he should be feeling. There was a beautiful, intelligent loving woman waiting for him, getting ready for him. Soon he would marry her, and also be a king. She would be applying special lotions and fragrances, oils and undergarments about now, but thinking about sex only made him angry. To avoid it, he tried ignoring thoughts of Audrey altogether.
Manny had been his companion all his life. One member from Manny's family was always chosen to be the prince's personal servant, and it was an honor to Manny's family as well as Manny himself. Damion's father had also had a servant, Manny's father, and they had grown up together. Their children, Damion and Manny, continued the tradition. Only Damion's kids would never play with Manny's, would never get into scrapes together, or trade identities for a day, or explore the palace and pretend they were pirates like Damion and Manny had done. And Damion and Manny as adult parents would never smile and pretend they didn't notice. He thought back over all the things they had done together, the had arguments they had over station when Manny first began to realize that he was a servant and not just a friend. Damion also remembered the years when he first realized he was a prince and did a few inexcusable things (which had ended in black eyes and bleeding noses from Manny's fists). He remembered the girls they had fought over, and how angry he was when he learned that Manny could do more things with girls then he was allowed to do. His parents had been very watchful of his own exploits because he was in the public eye, but he learned to get over the temptation. Now that he was getting married Manny would not be there.
He stared at the crucifix on the wall, but the figure didn't stare back.
Why did you kill Manny? He thought to some vague idea of God in the silence. Why did you let him die? What am I supposed to do now that he's gone? I can't just forget him. I won't.
There was no answer. The silence in the room was deafening, but nothing about it changed. Damion only felt sad, even sadder than he had before, like he was carrying a weight that was dragging him down to the floor. It felt so heavy he could scarcely breathe, and he also felt watched. It made him uncomfortable. He felt like he had when Heero had sat and watched him cry. He had never felt so foolish and weak before, but at least he had not been alone then.
Are you even listening to me?
"Damion?"
For a second he was scared, but then he turned, registering a human voice. Pastoral Howel had entered the sanctuary. Damion watched with a glower as the older man walked up the aisle and sat in the pew beside him, though with some distance between. Lowering his eyes, Damion settled back again, leaning against the pew and propping his feet up against the pack of the one in front of him.
"I thought you were getting married today," the pastor said quietly, folding his hands in his lap. He was dressed casually for a Tuesday, in slacks and a dress shirt. Maybe he had been planning on attending Damion's wedding.
"I am," Damion said. "In a little while." He hoped the man didn't ask why he was there; he felt they both understood it. Pastor Howel had known Manny almost as long as Damion had, but it didn't make him feel better. It just made him more self-conscious.
"You don't look like a man who is about to be married," Pastor Howel said quietly. "You look like a man whose best friend just died."
Damion took a deep breath, unable to stop more tears from escaping his eyes and rolling down his cheeks, but he blinked his eyes rapidly, his eyelashes capturing the remaining tears and the rest receding back to where they come from. It was an effort not to scrub his face. What could he say to that? It was true. He had trouble focusing his attention on Audrey at all. He just kept thinking of a body in a shallow grave with no tombstone.
"I knew Manny very well," the pastor said when he didn't answer, still in those soft tones. "It's okay for you to miss him."
Damion nodded quickly, wondering if he should thank the man and go, but he felt rooted to the spot, unable to move. His whole body felt so heavy. He felt like he was being scrutinized, dissected, but Howel's face was perfectly flat, even kindly. Even so, his breathing came in shorter gasps as he shifted in his chair, trying to sink beneath the eyes that were staring at him. With an effort, he made himself speak, and then it just poured out. "Everybody keeps telling me I need to let go," he said, choking a little on the words. "I wanted to murder Gardiner, but Audrey said that that kind of revenge is a sin, and then I got into a fight with a Heero." He laughed a little at himself, a little hysterically. "And that made me feel better. But I keep crying. I don't know what is wrong with me, but the more I think about Manny the more I find myself…forgetting… I already can't remember what he looks like. How long before I forget the sound of his voice or his face? I don't want to let go. I don't want to move on. I'm not ready to be married. I don't want to go through with it." Audrey's face loomed in his mind. It hurt, saying that. He also didn't know how much Pastor Howel knew of what had happened to him. He certainly wasn't going to tell him. They beat me and hurt me and stripped me of my pride and my only true friend and then they got away. But he wasn't as angry about that anymore. He was more glad that it was over.
"It's okay to miss him," the pastor repeated after a moment of silence. Damion felt the tears coming again and sank lower in his seat, swallowing. He couldn't believe how weak he was. "We all loved him around here. He was a really good person. He did his job without complaint and lived his life as best he could. He tried to be happy and tried to do what was right. He loved you too. You know that."
For a moment, he couldn't say anything. Of course Manny loved him. They were friends. They had always been friends. But what kind of man just let his friend go when he died? What kind of man just picked up his life and went on with things? Damion thought of Heero and felt suddenly sick. Even if Relena had died, he thought Heero would just go on with things, would bury her wherever she lay and just go on. But in what state of mind? In what health? "What can I do?" he asked. It was the question he couldn't answer.
"You don't have to forget him," pastor Howel said. "I don't think that's what anyone wants. You don't have to forget him, but you do have to keep living. I'm not God, but I have a pretty high confidence that wherever Manny wakes up, it will be a place where he is very happy and very well loved. Wherever he is, he understands more than you do."
Damion blinked the tears away. Heaven. That was the only place Manny could go in his mind. He suddenly didn't want to grasp the idea that there may be nothing after death. He had grown up being taught that there was a heaven and he grasped at that idea now. It didn't matter if the metaphysics of it made no sense to him. He couldn't bare the thought of Manny's soul just…evaporating…like it was nothing. Manny believed in God. Surely that must count for something. "If Manny's in heaven," Damion asked. "Can he see me?"
"I don't know," the pastor said with a solemn, thoughtful expression. "Nobody knows that. I don't even know if we go to anywhere directly after we die. It's not something we have to worry about. But I do know that Manny had a lot going for him and he was conscious of his mortality on Earth. He loved greatly and I think wherever he ends up, everyone will know that. He'll be well taken care of. The only thing you have to worry about is how much you will miss him."
Damion took a deep breath. He already missed him. He had never gone so many days without seeing Manny before, and the thought of life continuing this way forever was daunting.
"Grief takes time," Howel assured him. "I've seen a lot of people in grief, and I know. All it means is that you loved someone enough to really miss them. It just takes time to adapt."
"Why didn't I feel this way when my father died?" Damion asked quietly. "I loved him too. Or I thought I did."
"You did, but your father was a little distant from you. He didn't want you to depend on him too much. That might have been a mistake on his part."
"I grieved," Damion said quietly, remembering. "But I was busy and it just seemed…different."
"There was more warning. Your father looked older than he was. He had health problems and you knew that. Manny was your age and you spent more time with him than anybody. Not as many people as you might think love someone in their lives deeply enough to feel as you do when that person is taken away. But Manny doesn't need you to dwell on him. Who knows? One day you might see him again. If you do, I'm sure he'll have a lot to tell you. But you have to wait for it. Be patient. Live so that you have some stories to share."
Damion's eyes felt dry and tired. He had the sudden urge to take a nap, but he knew that was impossible. He still felt shaky in the middle, but the weight that had been pulling him down had lifted. The sadness was still there, and the regret, but he was starting to see light creeping in through the corners, illuminating the shadows in his head. There was a glow inside him, a pulsing beat like his heart, only a shining, shimmering white. His sadness settled around it, still there, but subdued, illuminated. Was this what people meant when they said they felt a ray of hope?
"It's going to take some time," the pastor said quietly. "You may feel pangs of regret for a long time to come, but sorrow can strengthen and shape us if we don't allow ourselves to be weighed down by it. You've shared something of the sadness there is in this world. You're not the only one that feels it. Anyone who deeply loves knows sorrow and no one can claim to have strength if they have not walked through fire and refused to burn up. That's how silver and gold are tempered. Our souls are much the same way."
Damion tilted his head. That sounded very much like what Audrey had said. "But what do I do?"
"Manny wouldn't want you to be sad forever. Go get married. Love your wife, rule your kingdom, raise a family and entertain friends. If you need time alone, spend it reading or doing something to occupy your thoughts. When you feel ready, spend time with people who knew Manny as well as you did and talk about him. People who have lost loved ones find that it helps to swap old stories and you must have many of them."
"I do," Damion said, and let out a little laugh. Lowering his eyes, he stared at his hands and smiled to himself. Unbidden, thoughts of Audrey blossomed in his mind. "What time is it?"
"A little passed four," pastor Howel said quietly. "If you don't want to be late for your wedding, you should go."
"Yes," Damion said, shifting to put his feet on the floor. "I mean no. No, I don't want to be late for my…" he fished in his pocket for the wedding band and pulled out the letter Julia had addressed to him instead. "Wedding," he finished numbly, staring at the papers and remembering their contents. He had forgotten all about Gardiner. Suddenly, he smiled to himself. He really didn't care about Gardiner anymore. Manny was in heaven and Damion got the girl. She loved him and she was waiting. Damion stood up and maneuvered his way to the center aisle. A little down the carpet, he stopped and turned. "Thank you," he said.
The pastor nodded again, this time with a smile. "I hope to see you again," he said. "You will make a good king and a better husband. Now go, or you will be late."
Damion went. Outside on the curb, he called home for a car to come pick him up. The receptionist sounded relieved to hear from him, if a little stressed out. He apologized with a smile and asked for a bouquet of white roses to be delivered to Audrey's rooms with a card from him. He dictated what he wanted it to say. Then he asked if it was too late to put white roses in with the flowers at the altar in the church. He was told they would try.
When a black limo came to pick him up, he sat in the back with Julia's letter in his hand, pouring over the words, this time reading it through.
…I do this so that you can let go of any feelings of revenge you may be harboring. I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but you should know that I loved Manny too. Everybody did. I can not tell you how much it hurts to know that he is gone and know that Gardiner was responsible. But I could not let you kill him. Manny doesn't need Gardiner's death. He wouldn't want you to kill anyone for his sake. He would tell you that God had called him to heaven, and though I can't claim I personally believe that, that is what he would say. Please know that I never meant to betray you. I tried to kill Gardiner myself, but I couldn't. I don't know why. Instead, I turned him in to a foreign government. He has committed crimes in many places and he will be judged accordingly. I hope you are not angry with me for denying Taravren the right. It may be that he will be sent to Taravren eventually since he is native there, but it may take years, time enough, I hope, for you to shed any personal entanglements associated with bringing him to justice.
One day I hope to return to Taravren myself, but not for awhile. I discovered something when I turned Gardiner in. I am tired of my life style. It served me to a point, but I find myself wishing for something better. I am going to take some time out in the world and perhaps attempt to find someone. I'd forgotten what love could feel like. Gardiner was demented, but I think he loved me, and though it may sound equally demented, I might have loved him too, after a fashion. When I next return to Taravren I hope you will have found it in your heart to forgive and pardon me. I should not like to be thrown in prison. I also hope when I return to Taravren to find you with a least one child to amuse me. I have always liked children and I think I will be especially fond of yours. Forgive me if I spoil them.
In the hopes of achieving this goal, I have included some personal advice which you may find useful very soon. There are some things about a life style such as mine of which a man in your position can benefit. Experience is experience.
Pages followed, pages of an explicitly sexual nature he almost swallowed his tongue to read. But he read them with an avid fascination, his eyes glued to the words as he flipped page after page. Julia was not shy, not at all, and he had never read anything so graphic and yet so practical. It wasn't like a magazine and it wasn't like the way people talked about sex when they were trying to impress each other. According to Julia, the most important thing he could do for Audrey was to make sure she knew he loved her, and to possess her fully. He already knew that, but Julia added some extensive tips that, if he was interested, might increase his chances in making the experience pleasurable for her. Damion was very interested. Julia also warned him that though first times were painful, sometimes that pain lasted past the first time, despite the fact that a broken hymen did not grow back. It was still an act that for some girls took some getting used to. He hadn't known that, but he stored the knowledge away just in case and determined that he really would be gentle whatever kind of girl Audrey was. Julia added other notes, pages and pages of information that was presented casually, with the warning that there were no magic charms and they had lots of time. The most important thing she emphasized was confidence. The other important thing was control and patience. He was inexperienced she said, and that might mean he would need more experience before he could use much of the information she provided. She gave him tips on how to improve his chances anyway. All of it was highly embarrassing, but by the time he reached the palace he was laughing.
Then he remembered there was a ceremony to get through first, as well as a reception, and right now he had to concentrate on getting dressed and down to the church. He also reminded himself that things with Audrey might be even more complicated than Julia expected. However the talk with her father went, Audrey might still be afraid. That was why he had to love her, love her like she had never been loved before, and make her his. The only thing to do with a girl who was self-possessed was to possess her more strongly than she could possess herself, and he determined to do just that with all the love he could muster.
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