AN: Thanks for the love so far! Here we have Chapter 2 of 'I want it all'. This chapter is from Derek's P.O.V, and I will be switching character P.O.V each chapter. I hope you guys enjoy this installment and as always, please keep the reviews coming. It truly does motivate me to update faster

From the time I woke up this afternoon, every thought was on seeing Meredith and my daughter. It had been a few days and I missed them terribly. I busied myself with household chores as I waited for them to get home. I knew Emma had a busy day at pre-school and Meredith was working on her assignments. She also mentioned something about needing to see Ellis and run a few other errands. I did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, studied for my intern exam coming up in the summer and waited on bated breath for 7 pm when I knew I would be able to see them.

"Well, hi cutie" I said as soon as I saw her perfect face come onto the screen at exactly 7:00 pm.

My daughter's eyes lit up as soon as she saw me "Daddy" she exclaimed excitedly. I could tell she was sitting at her and her mother's kitchen table. I could just see it now, her sitting in her little booster seat, legs swinging under the table, reminding her mom for the 100th time that day that her and I had a video date at 7:00. Her mom would always have her brush her teeth and put her pajamas on before our call so she could go right to bed after we were done talking. I loved the fact that my daughter's last memory of the day was talking to me, and I would be lying if I didn't say the best part of my day was always talking to her (well on the days I wasn't chained to the hospital or tied up in surgery.)

It had been 3 days since I had seen her due to my grueling schedule as a surgical intern. 'Just six more months' I kept telling myself and then I could take my intern exam and become a resident. Life would be slightly better then, and hopefully I will be able to see my daughter a lot more than I've been able to so far this year.

"How was pre-school today?" I asked. I couldn't contain the smile on my face anytime I saw her. I truly don't think a more beautiful child could exist. She has my blue eyes, dimples and smile and her mother's nose and petite frame. She has my curls with her mother's dirty blonde hair. She is utterly perfect in my eyes, and I still don't know what I did to deserve such a happy child.

"So good! I made a tuwkey hand."

"A turkey hand? What is that?" I asked amused.

I listened to her explain in detail how she traced her hand on a piece of paper, made the hand into a turkey, and then added all kinds of sparkle. She told me that she got glitter all over her shoes and now there's glitter all over her and her mom's house. She giggled when she shared this piece.

I always listen intently, and I can't help but laugh at her infectious giggle. She gets that from her mother too.

"Well, that sounds silly" I told her. Silly is her favorite word right now, so I try to incorporate it in our conversations as much as possible.

"It was so silly daddy." She confirmed giggling some more.

"Are you excited for thanksgiving with your grandma, grandpa and Aunt Lexi?" I asked her. I was devastated I couldn't spend Thanksgiving Day with her this year, but Meredith was flying out to Rhode Island to see her family and I was planning to drive down the next day after I rested and spend the rest of the weekend with them. This was all a surprise to Emma though in case for some reason it didn't work out.

"I can't wait! Gwanpa said he has a supwise for me!"

I laughed, she was still having troubling pronouncing her "r's" and I thought it was the cutest thing. Her baby phase wouldn't last for much longer and I wanted to soak up every minute of it.

"Besides your turkey hand, what else did you do today bean?"

"Mommy and me took the boat! And I saw gwandma Ellis!" Emma exclaimed excitedly.

"Oh yeah? That sounds like fun." I told her. Inwardly, I worried that maybe taking Emma to see Ellis wasn't the best idea, but Meredith didn't have any help and basically existed as a single parent. I couldn't be mad at her for needing to take Emma more places with her.

"So fun daddy!"

"Em, where's your mom?" I asked her. I hadn't seen Meredith yet and usually she jumped on for a minute or so especially at the beginning of our conversations. Lately, Emma had been able to sit at the table by herself to talk to me whereas before, Meredith always had to hold her on her lap.

"Hi Derek, I'm right here" her mother spoke moving in front of the camera holding on to a dish and dish towel. It looked like she had been in the kitchen doing the dishes.

"Hi" I said smiling brightly at her

"Hi" she replied matching my smile.

"Hi" Emma piped in clearly mocking us a bit.

Emma's mother was a force of nature. She had Emma at the end of her junior year in college and my senior year. I was beyond stupid and made more mistakes than I can count when it came to my relationship with her. She was always so far out of my league and Emma was not planned. My whole life, I had a plan on what my life would look like. I dated the same girl throughout most of college (not my daughter's mother by the way), knew early on that I would be going to med school and that I would become a neurosurgeon. I knew I would live with my best friend Mark throughout all my schooling and that I would go to Columbia medical school to get my degree. What I never expected was that I would get a girl pregnant during a one-night stand let alone that I would ever even have a one-night stand, but I did. That one-nightstand resulted in Emma, my perfect little girl. It also resulted in me falling in love deeply and evenly for the first time in my life.

I was so in love with my daughter's mother despite the circumstances of it all. However, our relationship moved fast- beyond fast and it put a pressure on us that caused me to behave like an idiot. My biggest regret of all was not following my daughter's mother out to Seattle when she had to leave New York to take care of her mother.

Ellis had been battling early on-set Alzheimer's out in Seattle for over a year and Emma's mother didn't feel that she had a choice. Her mother was too sick to be moved across the country and she was the only family she had. I was devastated and contemplated transferring to the University of Washington, but my ego got in the way. Columbia was an Ivy League and after I graduated, I could have my pick of any surgical internship program in the country. I put that first. Emma's mother and I broke up after her decision to move to Seattle and my decision to stay in New York. I barely spoke to Emma's mother the first year she lived in Seattle with my daughter. I was vengeful, neglectful and a terrible co-parent to my partner.

I wanted desperately to be with them, but I thought Columbia was everything, turns out it wasn't. My family with my daughter and her mother were everything. I worked my ass off at Columbia, finishing in 3 years instead of 4. I applied to Seattle Grace teaching hospital to be closer to them, but my acceptance was denied. I was angry at Emma's mother for a long time. We barely spoke unless it was related to our daughter the first year they lived in Seattle. She still flew out to New York though for me to see Emma and I flew out to Seattle to see them too. After a year of a tense relationship, we decided to make the best of it and at least be friends.

That's what we had been doing the past couple of years, being friends for the sake of our daughter's best interest. And truthfully, I missed Emma's mom when we were barely speaking. For some reason, it seemed as though the Universe didn't want us romantically together. Every obstacle always got in the way, and I finally accepted it. So here we were a completely modern family who communicated 99% via zoom. Thank God for modern technology. Although, we had our video calls, I had been helping raise my almost 3-year-old daughter through a computer screen and after this internship year was over, I refused to do it this way anymore. I needed to be there for them.

"Can you give me a call a little later?" I asked her discreetly knowing Emma was sitting right there. We needed to discuss the plans for next week and I wanted confirmation that everything was still a go.

"I can" she replied with a smile.

"Good" I replied taking in her sight for just a moment. She looked happy but tired. I knew medical school could be overwhelming and she was accomplishing that while raising a 3-year-old full time. Meredith is in her 3rd year of med-school, and I know how tough this year really is. Luckily for Meredith, she was able to get access to her inheritance early due to her mother's diagnoses. She was using that to provide for our daughter the past number of years. This year I started sending money much to her annoyance. I'm not making much as an intern, but it's at least something.

Emma's mother is so beautiful, naturally beautiful. She doesn't ever wear very much makeup and she's never needed to. It was rare that we spoke just the two of us without Emma around, but I was looking forward to catching up tonight and seeing more of her. I miss her.

"Let me get the little one to bed and I'll give you a call in an hour or so."

"Sounds good. Goodnight, Emma. I hope you sleep well. I love you." I told my daughter

"Goodnight, Daddy! We talk again tomowwow?" she asked

"I'm not sure yet baby. I'm on call tomorrow night so I may be in surgery, but I'll do my best to call."

Emma sighed "But daddy I haven't gots to see you in soooooo long" she whined.

"I know. I'm sorry Em, but I love you very much and I wish I was there with you. I don't like that it's been so long either."

"It's not fair" She sighed, and I could tell the waterworks were coming.

"Come on baby, you're tired." Meredith told our daughter pushing Emma's hair out of her face softly. She offered me an apologetic smile.

Emma was getting older, and the distance was getting harder. I was reminded of this by her on nights like tonight where we haven't gotten to see each other in days.

"Goodnight angel" I stated softly

"Night daddy" she told me in her sad voice. My heart ached.

Meredith closed the computer, and I was left to my own musing for about 2 hours waiting for her call. I picked up around the house I shared with some friends from the hospital for the second time today. I went up to my room and I tidied up around my desk area where I had been studying for my test and wiped the exhaustion from my eyes. I picked up the photo of me and Meredith from my desk. It always made me smile. It was my graduation day; we were in bed and Meredith was 9 months pregnant. Emma would be born about 2-weeks after the picture was taken. It was a bit of a risqué photo, but it emphasized the new life between us and captured so much hope and happiness.

I was casually seeing someone about a month ago. After a round of sex, she started looking around my room. At first, I wasn't fazed by it. She said she just wanted to know who I am, and she could tell that by what a man keeps in his room. She obviously thought my photos of Emma were adorable but was weirded out by the picture I kept out of me and Meredith. I tried to explain to her that Meredith was Emma's mom and that we have a great relationship. She didn't seem to care and was bothered at the thought that I kept a photo of me and my ex during a time where we were obviously together. Maybe it was weird, but I wasn't looking for anything serious with this woman and she knew that.

I was used to being in serious long-term relationships but after everything broke a part with me and Meredith, the thought of being with anyone else seriously seemed intangible. How could I even consider being in a serious relationship when me and my child's mother hadn't had the chance yet to see if we could make something work? Plus, I didn't know if I would ever be able to love someone again the way I love Mer. She is my total opposite, my deepest frustration, and my second biggest source of joy (my daughter being number one). I don't think a woman will ever compare to her in my eyes and rather we ever get back together or not we will always be best friends.

My computer buzzing startled me, but I checked my watch. It read 9:08 pm. That meant Emma had a hard time going down. I sat on my bed clad in my Columbia sweatshirt and sweatpants. My hair was still ruffled from doing nothing on my day off, but I knew Meredith would like it. She always told me she loved my bed head and found it sexy.

I answered the zoom call and saw her face clearly on the camera. Her hair was down, and she looked radiant. She was sitting on her bed with a glass of red wine in hand.

"Hey you. Got the little monster to sleep?" I asked her with a smile.

She laughed while taking a sip of her wine "The little monster had a little meltdown, and it took me over an hour to get her to bed."

"I feel like that's my fault" I admitted sheepishly

"She misses you" Meredith sighed

"You know I miss her too"

"I do." Meredith agreed.

I shifted on the bed. As much as I loved talking about my daughter, it was rare I got to speak with Meredith alone and I wanted to take advantage of the short time I would get.

Meredith was wearing a V-neck long sleeve grey shirt and her long blonde hair cascaded down her shoulders past her arms and well down her back. She was sitting with her chin resting on her knees and she reminded me so much in this moment of when we were back in college laying on her bed, just goofing off not realizing how good we truly had it.

"How's school going?"

"It's exhausting. I'm so ready for this break."

"You deserve it. You work so hard at everything. School, our daughter, your mom. You hardly have a moment to yourself."

"Well, I have a moment to myself now."

"And you're spending it talking to me" I replied with a laugh taking her in.

"I am" she stated giving me a smile

"You know I feel like I see you all the time over video, but I know nothing going on in your life." I admitted.

"There's not much to know. I have school and I have Emma. That takes up almost all my time. Your life has to be much more interesting than mine."

"Hardly. The hospital owns me."

"Yeah, but you get to see amazing surgeries every day and you live with all your friends that you've made there."

"I'm on scut most days or doing post-ops. I barely see the inside of an OR. I do have some friends but I'm not getting too invested. This time next year, I'll be living in Seattle. No reason to invest in anything meaningful." She knew that carried deeper meaning.

Meredith shrugged "You don't know for certain that you'll get into the program at Seattle Grace."

"It's a lot easier to transfer as a resident than make it in as an intern. I'm looking at the bright side. Besides Mer, it's been 3 years. I think it's about time I live in the same state as my daughter."

She agreed "Speaking of our daughter, are you still up for coming to Thatcher & Susan's the day after Thanksgiving? I know you'll have just worked 72 hours straight and need that time to rest but I think it would really cheer Emma up because she's been a little down about missing you lately" Meredith rambled

"Yes. I'm trying to get a pal of mine to switch days off with me so I can get that Friday and Saturday off to spend with you both. I'm going to try to get the whole weekend."

"Emma would love that."

"I would too. It's been too long. I feel… I just feel so guilty like I'm failing her." I admitted and hated when I heard my voice crack.

Meredith shifted on her bed and furrowed her brows "Derek listen to me; you aren't failing her. We're doing the best we can. It's not like anyone wrote a user manual on how to co-parent your kid while working across the country in a very demanding job. It's not been easy but she's a happy kid who is very loved and very well taken care of."

"Yeah, because of you. I don't know how you do it all. I don't contribute enough. I'm not there for you two enough." I admitted wiping a tear that was falling from my eyes. I needed to see them. Going on 4 months now without seeing my kid was starting to feel worse and worse. Every time I saw Meredith, I was panged with the regret of letting the best relationship of my life slip out of my hands. I was never good enough for her and I never did right by her. I always put myself first and once I was finally back in Seattle, I was never going to let that happen again.

"You're doing the best you can. I know that and Emma knows that." She reassured me

"She's only 3" I said shaking my head "She doesn't understand."

"Believe it or not, she does. She tells everyone who will listen that her daddy is a surgeon who saves lives. She's so proud of you and so am I."

"Thanks Mer, you always just know how to make everything better." I told her trying my best to shake the heaviness of the conversation.

"You're going to feel a lot better after you see her. I promise."

"I've never deserved you; you know that?" I let my vulnerability get the best of me for a moment, but the statement couldn't be truer.

She grinned taking another sip of her wine "Oh, I know." She teased lightening the mood.

"I know we talked a while ago about you driving up to see Ma & Dad and all my sisters. Do you still think that's something you want to do?"

"I think so. Maybe we can just drive up to you on Friday and stay through the weekend."

"They would love that and so would I. You know Ma has kept the bedroom the exact same since we lived there."

Meredith smiled and seemed to lose herself for a second in the memories of our first several months with Emma. It truly was one of the best times having my parents, Meredith, and Emma under the same roof. "That sounds like her. Does she still have the crib?" Meredith asked

I laughed "Yeah, I told her she probably needs to get rid of it. Emma's not a baby anymore."

"She's still small for her age but ever since she upgraded to her unicorn big girl bed there is no going back." She told me with her infectious giggle.

I laughed along with her. Last time I was in Seattle, I put it together for Emma and she absolutely loved it. Meredith thought she was going to have trouble adjusting but Emma's obsession with Unicorn's outweighed any apprehension she had, and luckily for us, it has been smooth sailing.

"So, Mer, there is something I wanted to talk to you about." I told her scratching the back of my head nervously. Things were going so well that I wanted to start talking about what life is going to be like in May when I move out to Seattle. I know that it's not a sure thing yet, but come hell or high water, I'm doing it.

I saw Meredith look off to her left for a moment and then I saw her eyes soften.

"Em, what are you doing up?" Meredith asked moving her wine glass to what I assume is her side table and move off the bed and out of the view of the camera.

"Daddy's voice." I heard Emma say sleepily.

When they came back in view, Meredith was sitting back on the bed with Emma in her lap. Emma was wrapped up in a little ball just like she used to do when she was a baby. Her curls were wild just like mine were after sleeping on them. Her eyes were wide like she just discovered something brand new, and she was clad in her pink unicorn footie pajamas that she loved so much. She was staring at the camera wanting to talk to me. The conversation with Meredith would have to wait.

"Daddy" she said again.

"Hi baby. Couldn't sleep?" I asked her

"Woke me up." Emma said softly and curled tighter against her mother.

"I didn't have my volume up too loud. I'm sure something in the city woke her up and then she heard us talking." Meredith chimed in while she cuddled Emma against her and played with her curls. I felt a pang of jealousy that I wasn't the one comforting my daughter right now, but I remembered that at the end of everything, Meredith and I were where we were because of choices we both made. As jealous as I felt that I couldn't be there, I felt a sense of pride of what Meredith, and I had accomplished as just two kids navigating raising a human being. We both loved our daughter with our entire hearts, and I couldn't choose a better partner to raise a child with.

"Awh Em, I'm sorry." I told her taking in her sight. She was such a beautiful little girl.

"Daddy read" Emma asked turning her bright blue eyes to the camera. They always melted me.

"Okay, just give me a second and I'll find our book." I told her moving off my bed and walking over to my bookshelf. Last year for Christmas, I gave Emma a copy of Goodnight, Moon and at least once a week, I read it to her over zoom. I bought myself a copy too and usually we both looked at the books at the same time, but I could tell she was too tired to get her copy.

I managed to find it quick and made myself comfortable on the bed. I dove right into the story and watched as Emma's eyes grew heavier and heavier. By the time I finished the book she was completely out, and Meredith was holding her closely.

"I should get her to her bed." Meredith told me quietly.

I nodded. I didn't want her to go, but this was the hard part about not being Meredith's romantic partner anymore. I didn't have any right to ask her to stay.

"You should." I told her nodding. Meredith knew that I wanted her to stay, and I knew she wanted to stay. Unfortunately, we are in this weird limbo where we both know co-parenting this well can't be muddied with our romantic feelings for each other. At least not yet. It was unspoken between us but we both knew we were holding out for each other. There is too much love there not to. Besides, our daughter deserves both her parents together.

I sighed "Night Mer"

"Goodnight, Derek" she told me.

I closed the laptop and reflected on my feelings briefly. More than anything else, I needed to be in the same state as my daughter. I couldn't do this anymore. I don't want to raise my child through zoom, and I don't want to put the responsibility to care for her all on Meredith. She deserves a life too whether it's with me, someone else or just her friends. It was late though, and I need to be at the hospital early. In a week I would be with my family and for right now, that thought is enough.

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