"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is *not* an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics....
This is the fifteenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe and my seventeenth fanfic overall. It follows 1) "Rose-Colored Lenses," 2) "The Tie That Chokes," 3) "That Thing You Say," 4) "'Shipped Out," 5) "Andrea Speaks!", 6) "Cheered Down," 7) "None in the Family, Part One," 8) "None in the Family, Part Two," 9) "Outvoted," 10) "Of Absolute Value," 11) "Breaking the Mold," 12) "Surreal World," 13) "Erin the Head," and 14) "Primarily Color."
Ten Spot Promo: The watch in the corner ticks to ten as some guy stands in front of the refrigerator, trying to figure out what to eat. And they call this a promo??
[intro theme music...................]
THE AGE OF CYNICISM -- by Kara Wild
ACT ONE
SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, noon on a Sunday)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Daria lounging on her bed in her room, the cordless phone pressed against her ear. She wears her usual deadpan expression.)
DARIA: So I guess that means Aunt Amy's not my natural-born mother after all.
JANE: (from the receiver) And that you *weren't* the product of a torrid love affair between Helen and a man who obviously wasn't Jake.
DARIA: Damn normal life.
(Cut to split screen, Jane on the left, Daria on the right. Daria cocks an eyelid wearily.)
JANE: You mean to tell me *this* is how your parents have forced you to spend Sunday? Reliving priceless childhood memories which you couldn't *possibly* relive because you weren't *alive* yet to have such memories??
DARIA: Even more frightening: this was one of their better uses of quality time. (makes a face.) It only gets worse from there...
(Wavy fade-out. Fade-in to an earlier scene of the four Morgendorffers sitting around the kitchen table, shortly after breakfast. Jake and Daria read the paper; Quinn flips through an issue of Waif. Helen, of course, has the cordless phone welded to her ear and is listening intently to the speaker on the other end.)
HELEN: Mmm-hmmm... mmm-hmmm... (crooning) Oh we're *so* happy for you. This is just *wonderful* news! (laughs a wee bit uneasily.) And twins... are you sure? (Pause) Oh, how... wonderful!
(Daria lowers the paper ever so slightly, wearing a skeptical expression. The forced nature of her mom's enthusiasm has not escaped her.)
HELEN: Well we'll give you *all* the support you need over these coming months. (Pause) All right... all right. Now you take care of yourself. Bye. (hangs up the phone.)
JAKE: Wow, Eric's having twins? (raises a thumb.) Way to *go*, big man!
HELEN: Eric?? Don't be silly, Jake: Eric's not *married*. (She laughs a little too hard at this one.)
DARIA: Your point being?
HELEN: That was *Erin*. Our *niece*. (forehead creases with concern.) She's pregnant.
DARIA/JAKE/QUINN: (frowning, recalling the events in "Erin the Head") Mmmmmmmmm...
QUINN: Eww! You mean she's gonna be all *bloated* for nine months?!
DARIA: And that's the part she'll remember most fondly.
HELEN: (rolling her eyes) *Honestly*, Daria.
DARIA: After a daily dose of shrieking and nights of insomnia drive her into the mental institution.
HELEN: (firmly) Erin will be a wonderful mother. I'm sure of it.
JAKE: *Yeah*, kiddo! And ol' Brian'll learn how to be a great dad!
DARIA: And just what is your basis of comparison?
JAKE: Well *hey*: we figured out how to raise *you*, didn't we? (Daria regards him with a deadpan expression.) Didn't we??
HELEN: Of *course* we did. (looks at Jake and giggles a little, then glances at Daria with a distinctly maternal expression.) Oh God, Jake, do you remember what we went through the months before we had Daria? The high hopes, the anxiety --?
JAKE: The want ads, the empty bank account... (chuckles, then glances at Daria with the same expression as Helen.)
(Cut to close-up of Daria, armed with a wary expression.)
DARIA: (offscreen VO from the present) The looks. The minute I saw them, I knew I was trapped. Unless...
(Pan over to close-up of an irritated Quinn, her arms folded.)
QUINN: We're *not* gonna sit here an' talk about *Daria* are we?? Gaaawd! Why does *everything* have to be about her?! Why can't we talk about *my* upcoming birth??
(Cut to close-up of Helen. Her eyes trail away thoughtfully as wavy lines appear, indicating another flashback. When they disperse, we see her several years younger, seated on an examining table. A doctor stands beside her.)
DOCTOR: Well, Mrs. Morgendorffer, it looks as though another one's on the way.
HELEN: (clearly panicked) A *second* child?! But I just had the *first* one! This *can't* be true -- it's going to *completely* ruin my five-year plan!
(Wavy fade-out. Fade-in to Helen of the present. She laughs uneasily.)
HELEN: (to Quinn) Oh-ho, sweetie: we'll have *plenty* of time
for that. But for now...DARIA: (thought VO) Damn.
(Wavy fade-out into flashback once *again*. Fade-in to shot of a rusty brown Chevrolet station wagon, obviously dating back to the early-70's, obviously second-hand. A "Carter/Mondale 1980" sticker is spread across the bumper. As it continues to travel down a road, cut to the inside. There we see Helen and Jake as they looked in late summer, 1980. Helen has Farrah Fawcett hair, while Jake's hair has been tamed down from its '70's fro. As Jake drives, he whistles to John Lennon's "Imagine," which plays on the radio. Helen looks as though she has just sucked poison.)
HELEN: (insincere) Who'd have thought that Keenak and Seren-- I mean, Calvin and Vanessa -- could have *such* an adorable child??
JAKE: Yeah, I'll say. (chuckles, imitates a baby's speech.) Hi-hi, Unkoo Jakie. I wuvoo. Pull ma finger.
HELEN: It's just such a shame that his parents have... you know.
JAKE: Sure do. (Bt) What?
HELEN: Sold *out*. (sighs heavily.) After five short years, they've become pawns of the Establishment. *Morgaged*, credit card debts -
JAKE: (getting angry) Damn Calvin and his *neat-o* Japanese car! (He pounds the steering wheel, causing the horn to blare.)
HELEN: (sighing) Just *what* sort of legacy will they be passing on to their kid?? At least you and I can take *pride* in our lifestyle.
(As she says this, the station wagon pulls up in front of a brown stucco apartment complex. It looks in desperate need of renovation, from the sagging roof to the gravel "driveway" in front. Helen and Jake climb out.)
HELEN: (determined) We're the same people we always were. Our principles haven't changed since our Middleton days, have they?
JAKE: (to himself) Wonder if old Cal'll know how *I* could swing a car like his...?
(Cut to a later shot of Helen and Jake in what appears to be a combined kitchen and living room. The walls are covered in peeling wallpaper that is an absolutely putrid shade of yellow, while the carpet is brown shag. Only from the Seventies. We see Helen pacing around with the phone to her ear, dragging a super- long extension cord. Jake, meanwhile, has been lounging on the frayed avocado green couch, reading the newspaper. Helen now stops and lays the phone back on its hook. She walks over to the couch and leans over it to look at her husband.)
JAKE: (reading an article) *Music* television?? Like *that'll* ever catch on!
HELEN: (reflective) Jake... (motions to him to lay the paper aside.) I was thinking: what if *we* had a child?
JAKE: Hey, that'd be *neat*, honey! But there's no way that would happen.
HELEN: Why not?
JAKE: Because don't you remember what you said? That we couldn't have kids until *I* found myself a job and your career took off??
HELEN: Oh, well *yes*, but...
JAKE: I'm still looking for work, and your career's nowhere *near* where you want it to be.
HELEN: (looking irritated) Mrrrrr...
(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake still later, lying in bed. The sounds around them indicate that their walls are paper-thin and that their neighbors have strange habits. Crashing noises can be heard from one corner, accompanied by shouts of anger. From above, we hear an old stranger singing wobbly, and off-key, "I Wanna Rock With You" by Michael Jackson.)
JAKE: Heyyy, the Singing Man finally chose something current! (thumbs up.)
HELEN: (trying to ignore it) Uh-huh. (leans closer to Jake, touches his hand.) Jake? About what I said...
JAKE: Hmm?
HELEN: About us waiting to have children until *after* we'd met our career goals? (Bt) Well... goals *can* change.
JAKE: What d' you mean?
(Beat)
HELEN: (straining to find the right words) Well... when you see that a greater good could be met... you-you, um, realize that your own *personal* goals don't matter qu-
JAKE: What are you trying to say, Helen??
HELEN: I want to have a baby.
(Beat)
JAKE: Ah.
HELEN: (insistent) I think we could be *good* parents, Jake. We'd do better at instilling our child with core principles than Calvin and Vanessa.
JAKE: Yeah. I could teach our kid a thing or two about the ol' game of baseball...
HELEN: To stand proud, be independent-minded, not give in to the Man.
JAKE: And basketball, and how to shave and how to ask a girl out...
HELEN: To carry on the Revolution. When you think about it, it's almost a sin for us *not* to have a child.
JAKE: Unlike *some* fathers who never EVER taught their sons ANY of those things!
HELEN: So what do you say?
JAKE: (taking her by the hands) Let's DO it!!!
(Helen leans closer, and she and Jake start making out. The Singing Man's chopped-up rendition of "I Wanna Rock With You" gives way to the actual song. The screen fades to black.)
JANE: (offscreen VO from the present) Soooo... if I understand correctly, your parents decided to have kids because their *friends* were having kids?
DARIA: (offscreen VO from the present) That's the gist of it, yeah.
(Fade-in to Helen and Jake later that night, after the "spice". Helen has rolled over onto one side, while Jake lies on his back with his arms folded beneath his head.)
HELEN: (tired, but glowing) Won't it be *exciting* to watch our child grow up and develop a mind of his own? (Bt) I wonder what he'll be like...
JAKE: (determined) Not like *me*, that's for damn sure. I'm not gonna treat my kid the way Dad treated *me*. I'll be a *much* better, father!
HELEN: I'm sure you will, Jakey.
JAKE: (suddenly disquieted) But how?
HELEN: One thing's for certain: we'll make sure our kid doesn't get brought down by the terrible malaise that's been gripping this country. He or she will be an *optimist*.
JAKE: (scowling) Lousy hostages. *Damn* that Carter.
HELEN: Jake! Carter's on *our* side. It's Reagan we should watch out for. (As she says this, she snuggles up against him.)
DARIA: (offscreen VO from the present) And then they went tra-la- la, hippity hop into the sunset.
(Cut to shot of Daria in the present. Split screen to show Jane on the right.)
JANE: How long did you stick around?
DARIA: Until they started weighing in on the merits of cloth and disposable diapers. (makes a sour face.) They haven't even noticed I'm gone.
JANE: That's the evils of nostalgia for ya. A couple of middle-aged adults get hit with it and even the flavors of Pez can make for a *fascinating* afternoon of conversation.
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) So, you want to head out for pizza?
JANE: Sure. Tom's gone on an outing with his parents and -- (From offscreen, the sound of knocking on Daria's door.)
(Resume full shot of Daria. She sits up straighter and frowns a little.)
DARIA: (to Jane) *Hold* on. (to the door, deadpan.) Yes?
QUINN: (offscreen, irritated) Open *up*, Daria. We have to talk!
DARIA: (to Jane) And now Quinn has come to spread the love as well. (to Quinn) About what??
QUINN: You *know*! (She pushes open the door and stalks into the room, looking pouty and angry.) The *thing*. (shudders a little.)
DARIA: (deadpan) Oh yes. The thing.
JANE: (from the receiver) What thing??
DARIA: (to Quinn) Believe me, I haven't forgotten. (makes another sour face.)
QUINN: (covering her eyes) I can't *believe* this! Ever since they said it, it's all I can think about.
JANE: Believe *what*?
DARIA: (to Quinn, a little defensive) Hey, don't think *you're* the only one who was pissed off when they mentioned that. It was *me* they were talking about.
QUINN: Well it was *me*, too!
(Just then we see Helen and Jake pass by the doorway, their nostalgia trip temporarily suspended. They overhear the last of this exchange. Helen comes back and pokes her head in.)
HELEN: (reasonable) Quinn, honey: I think you're making *much* too big a deal --
QUINN: Don't even *talk* to me, you-you... traitor! (sees mother's expression.) Um, I mean Mom.
JAKE: (coming in) Yeah, c' mon you guys. (chuckles.) What's in a name??
DARIA: [A snowjob by any other name would still blow.]
(Cut to shot of Jane, sitting in her room, the phone still to her ear. She's listening, intrigued, the way one would listen to a radio mystery. Resume shot of the Morgendorffers.)
HELEN: (tired and quizzical) What do you mean, sweetie?
JAKE: Yeah, kiddo?
DARIA: (leaning back, coolly deadpan) Oh nothing: just commenting upon the [soundness of your ideals.] So here you are, today. Do *you* feel as though you've carried on the cause?
(Helen and Jake look at each other. Helen then brushes past Quinn, still nursing her own irritation, and sits down next to Daria.)
HELEN: Sweetheart, you *have* to understand: we were very young then.
JAKE: If we only knew *half* of what we knew now.
HELEN: It was the Eighties.
DARIA: Always the decade's to blame. (Bt) *Bad* decade. For shame.
HELEN: (exasperated) It *was*. With the birth of 1980, the world as we knew it changed *forever*.
DARIA: But the Eighties started in 1981.
HELEN: Please, Daria, *don't* interrupt. (Bt) All at once, the spirit of activism gave way to a darker period of conservative values. (shudders.) It was a change that...
(Wavy fade-out. Fade-in to reveal a close-up shot of an older man, around sixty years of age.)
HELEN: (offscreen VO from the present) ... men like my father welcomed.
(The older man frowns at the newspaper he's reading. Charles Howard Barksdale Jr., known as "Howard," looks as described in "None in the Family, Part One": long face, aqualine nose, amazingly focused eyes behind gold-rimmed glasses. The years have thinned his brown hair and turned it silver, and added some extra lines and flesh to his face. Howard now leans forward.)
HOWARD: (deep and gravely, with a hint of warmth) I'm telling you, Helen Anne: you have absolutely no idea what you're in for.
(Cut to wider shot. It's now autumn of 1980, and Howard Barksdale is sitting with his wife, Evelyn, and Helen and Jake around a tea table on a rooved porch. The porch looks out onto the Barksdales' backyard, which resembles an English garden. Howard reaches for a cream-filled pastry, but before he can, both Evelyn and Helen reach forward and lightly slap his hand.)
HELEN: *No*, Daddy. Your heart!
EVELYN: (stern) Dear, you *know* what the doctor said about your cholesterol.
(Howard glances at his wife and eldest daughter, smirks slowly, then holds up his hands in a mock "Stay away!" manner.)
HOWARD: You women. (chuckles.) If you two have your way, I'll survive to one hundred on carrot sticks and *spring* water.
JAKE: Yeah, *women* (laughs loudly.) Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em! Right, sir??
(Howard turns to Jake and stares at him for several seconds. Jake's face takes on a nervous expression. Then Howard smirks at him and claps him on the shoulder.)
HOWARD: *Right*, you are.
(Jake's nervousness gets replaced by shock; this is the first time his wife's father has ever responded *positively* to anything he's said, and his touch feels no less meaningful than the pope's. Helen has noticed this, too, and is encouraged.)
HOWARD: (to Helen, more serious) Raising a child costs money -- a lot of it. Food, clothing, shelter, doctors' bills, birthdays, Christmases, and the occasional gift when dear Daddy feels generous.
HELEN: (sighing) Dad, we don't need a lecture.
HOWARD: (smirking a little) Of *course* you do, sweetheart: what are father's for? And that doesn't even include higher education. Tuition's through the *roof* these days -- it's nearly bleeding Mother and me dry to put your baby sister through college.
HELEN: (exasperated) Well not *everyone's* the spendthrift Amy is.
HOWARD: Maybe not, but at least I've got the family business to fall back on. What do *you* have? A lot of "peace" and "love" and froo-loo-loo that won't get you *anywhere* by the end of the day.
HELEN: That "peace" and "love" mean everything in this world, and you *know* it! (She says this with a tired, irritated air -- this is not the first debate she's had with Dad, and it will no doubt end in the same stalemate.) And just what exactly *is* this "froo-loo-loo" you're referring to: a new singing group??
(Clearly Howard did not expect this quick show of wit, and his face registers surprise. Then he bursts into chuckles and reaches over to muss Helen's hair. Evelyn, meanwhile, reaches past Jake and lays another cucumber sandwich on her daughter's plate.)
EVELYN: (no-nonsense) Daddy and I are just concerned about your well-being, Helen. You can't raise children in that *place* you live in. (dismissive wave.) And what will happen when you're too far along to work at your little job??
HELEN: We've thought about that *very* carefully --
HOWARD: Is it true you're still the sole breadwinner??
HELEN: Well *yes*, but --
HOWARD: Hasn't your husband made *any* attempt to look for employment?? (His tone of voice grows colder and harder as he speaks.)
HELEN: Yes. My husband (thought VO) whose name is *Jake* and who is sitting right over *there* next to you (aloud) has. He had his own *very* successful organic papaya juice business not too long ago --
JAKE: Wow, honey, you really thought it was *successful*??
HELEN: *Jake*. (makes an "Ixnay" gesture.) But, um... it finally went under. Through *no* fault of his own.
HOWARD: (leaning back, reflective) Hmmph. It takes a lot to keep a business afloat these days. Unless it's mine: I've got too much work.
JAKE: Congratulations, sir!
HOWARD: And don't think every Tom, Dick, and Hippie who thought he could *dream* his way through the last decade doesn't realize it. (with some satisfaction.) They've all come begging on hands and knees to work for me.
JAKE: Hmmm... (He looks sheepish, but thoughtful.)
EVELYN: (to Howard) And just what you *don't* need when you're nearing retirement.
[More dialogue follows. Originally I was going to make Howard rather gruff and personable in this scene, then more moody and cold in later scenes, in accordance with his characterization in "None in the Family."]
(Fade-in to shot of Helen and Jake driving home, a short time later. Helen looks tired, Jake animated.)
HELEN:(groaning) Of *all* the cities in America, my job had be located in one near my parents.
JAKE: Aw, honey, your parents are *great*! (proud.) I think your dad and me are *really* starting to hit it off.
HELEN: Daddy *did* seem a lot nicer to you this time around. (crooning.) Maybe he's starting to see all the wonderful things *I* see in you.
JAKE: Yeah! And maybe we can do some guy-bonding over a round of golf, or something.
HELEN: (wrinkling her nose) Jake, when did *you* learn to golf?
JAKE: Oh, um... (sheepish.) In military school -- *yeah*! I was forced to learn, and hell I've practically forgotten *how* it's been so long since I've done it. I mean golfing is the *Man's* game. (laughs uneasily.)
HELEN: (offscreen VO from the present) And no one was more the "Man" than my father.
1) "Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Just when she thought she was out, he pulls her back in. Quinn gets more proactive with math than she *ever* thought possible, but is it all for the best? Catch it next week, on an all-new 'Daria.'"
[Yes, it's *Wednesday*, not Friday. Apparently MTV has bumped "Daria" back to Wednesdays. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing remains to be seen...]
2)
3)
ACT TWO
SCENE 1 (Pizza King)
(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of Jane and Daria sitting at their usual booth. Jane's doing the eating. Daria sits there and fiddles with her straw.)
JANE: So your name was gonna be Quinn. So what??
DARIA: (deadpan) Yeah, *she's* the one who would've ended up with the raw deal.
JANE: By the time she'd be born, all the *good* names would've been taken.
DARIA: She'd be left with Eunice, Gretchen, Zelda, *Sandra*...
JANE: (smirking) And *those* are just the names you can say *without* shuddering. (pats the table.) So *cheer* up. So you were going to be named Quinn. You could have gotten a much *worse* name, y' know, like something recalling the glory of the Sixties. (makes a face.) Sunflower Lucretia Healing Wild Fire Janet Spring Rose Lane.
DARIA: Must be a nightmare to fit on an official form.
JANE: Nah, I just abbreviate. Sluhwff-juzzurrll. Betcha can't say *that* three times fast!
DARIA: And thus I won't even try.
JANE: Hmph. (more serious.) But the point is, your name is *Daria*. Not Quinn. Daria.
DARIA: (sighing) It's not the *name* that bothers me so much, it's what it *represents*. The optimism, the proactivity. My parents wanted someone *perky* to be their kid.
JANE: (sardonic) Surprise, surprise. (Bt) Well perky you are *not*, my friend.
(Beat)
DARIA: Yeah. (Her expression is grim.)
(Fade-out. Fade-in to: )
SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house)
(Shot of the outside. We see Daria walking up the front walkway. Cut to the inside. She opens the door, her body language minutely conveying that she's still bothered by the conversation with Jane. As the shot widens to show Daria proceeding toward the stairs, we see that Helen has taken over the couch and the coffee table. Her usual files are everywhere, and she's gabbing on the cordless phone to Eric. Daria cocks an eyelid at this as she's climbing the stairs.)
HELEN: (seeing that Daria has returned, rushed) Yes, *yes*, Eric, that's *fascinating*. But listen, I have to go. (Bt) I'll talk to you soon. (Bt. chuckling) *All* right. Bye. (hangs up, turns to look at Daria on the stairs.) Have fun, sweetie?
DARIA: (deadpan) Oh yes. Laughs and merriment were had by all. Now if you don't mind --
HELEN: Daria? (concerned.) Are you still upset about what went on earlier?
DARIA: (deflecting the question) How's *Quinn* taking it?
HELEN: Oh, well... she was upset about it for a while, but she's a sensible girl with a good head on her shoulders. She got over it.
DARIA: How much did you bribe her?
(Beat)
HELEN: (weary) She's test-driving new sports cars.
DARIA: (unsurprised) Uh-huh. (Bt) And where's Dad?
HELEN: Who do you think took her? Now *come* on, Daria, if there's anything you need to talk about *tell* me.
(Beat)
DARIA: (flat, reluctant) Nothing. What's the point?
HELEN: What do you mean?
DARIA: It won't change anything. All you and Dad did was remind me that I'm not the kid you wanted me to be. Which is something I've always known. But just when I think that *maybe* you've started to accept me for who I am, I get slapped in the face with reality. Again.
(Pause. Helen's face grows thoughful. Daria turns to walk up the stairs.)
HELEN: Maybe it's *true*, but I -- (shakes her head. pleading.) Daria, come down. That may be part of the truth, but it's not the *whole* truth. Just let me explain.
(Daria turns around to look at her mom, curious. She doesn't move.)
HELEN: Don't you at *least* want to know how you got your real name?
(Daria takes a moment to consider. Then she nods faintly.)
(Shot of the outside of Helen and Jake's apartment in 1980. Cut to shot of the inside, where we see Helen staring at herself in the mirror, her back to us.)
HELEN: (offscreen VO from the present) There I was, not even thirty yet and I was *so* confident I knew everything there was to know about being a *good* mother. When in fact, I had absolutely *no* idea.
DARIA: (offscreen VO from the present) And you've matured in *what* way, exactly?
[Helen then goes on to relate the many pregnancy things she was doing -- hyper schedule-conscious, hyper-conscious of what she's eating ("purity")]
HELEN: (ignoring her) And right from the beginning of my pregnancy I could feel *changes* inside of me...
(Cut to close-up of Helen looking at herself in the mirror. She looks tired and pensive.)
HELEN: (offscreen VO) Changes that I had *never* before experienced. Changes that took me *completely* by surprise and left me struggling to cope.
(Suddenly Helen of 1980 lurches forward and vomits into the sink. Mercifully she's bent in such a way that the vomit is hidden from view. Several retching sounds later, Helen lifts her head once more, teary- eyed and groaning.)
HELEN: (offscreen VO) There you were, growing up inside my body, and I didn't even *realize* what kind of an impact you were having on me...
(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake in their beat-up car, a short time later. Jake's driving, while Helen's balancing a pizza box in her lap and is in the midst of consuming it.)
JAKE: Mmmm, I could go for a slice...
HELEN: (while eating) Get your own.
(Cut to shot of a community center with a large billboard that reads: "Tonight: A Humanistic Approach to Parenting. Tuesday: Parenting in a Multi-cultural Society." The Morgendorffers' car pulls into a parking space.)
[The plotline basically continues as follows: Helen realizes how in over her head she is as an almost-mother, and starts to lose confidence. She then learns that she doesn't have to be *everything* to her baby to be a good parent. Meanwhile Jake tries to grow closer to Howard Barksdale because he sees him as the Anti-Mad Dog: the army retire who is actually respectable and has a good home life. Howard, however, blames Jake for turning Helen toward the hippie culture and estranging her from the family, and starts dropping hints to Helen that in the future, she may be better off without him. Helen angrily and passionately defends her love of Jake and then, in essence, tells her father to butt out. Present Helen, as she tells the story, reacts with surprise, saying that she had forgotten this brief confrontation with her father over the years. After going through every name on the planet (another thread of the story), Helen finally settles on "Daria," based on the person who gave her advice on how to be a mother -- someone very in the background whom you wouldn't expect.
In the end, Helen and Jake reflect with each other about "that time" of life, and realize that lately they seem to be more distant toward one another... in a distinct foreshadowing of "An Uneasy Marriage" and the fics that follow.
There will also be plenty of gags based on late-70's, early 80's culture and references to the fact that with 60's idols' deaths (ex: John Lennon) and the election of Reagan, the era of idealism that Helen and Jake valued so much is dying. But trust me, this would be both a funny *and* bittersweet fic.]