Disclaimer: All the characters are Tolkiens. The songs are based upon the lyrics of Eminem.
Lord of the Sleaze 4
The Flight From Rivendell
Legolas had ditched his shoddy showgirl outfit and was now wondering around, feeling somewhat disturbed after accidentally walking in on Gimli engaged in a kinky sex game with some of Rivendells less fussy working girls. He headed for the dance floor, passing Aragorn on the way, who looked up excitedly as he approached and then looked down, shamefaced. 'Poor guy,' thought Legolas. If the rumours were true, Aragorn had never been with a woman despite the blatantly falsified tales of his sexual conquests that he liked to share with them all at every possible moment. This was probably due to the fact that the ranger had spent much of his life in the wilderness, learning the ancient ways, or lost, as everyone else called it.
Legolas was watching as Boromir was escorted from the room by security for unintentionally clubbing one of Elrond's vast collection of daughters with his shield, when he felt a tap on the shoulder. Turning, he saw Gandalf peering out of a broom cupboard, with only a grey beard to protect his modesty. A girly laugh issued from the darkness behind him.
'Hey – Lego,' hissed the wizard. 'You couldn't go check on the Hobbits for us, its just I've…erm…got my hands full.' He laughed nervously. Legolas didn't. There was an uncomfortable silence before Gandalf slammed the door again.
Sam, Merry and Pippin were found clustered tightly around a particularly grimy looking Orc in a dark corner of the dance floor. He was handing out 'gifts' to them all from a bag that he quickly stuffed into his pocket as Legolas arrived.
'So, they're like…sweets?' Pippin was saying earnestly, popping them into his mouth.
'S'pose so,' growled the Orc and beat a hasty retreat from the advancing elf. Legolas surveyed them all grimly while Sam jumped from one foot to the other.
'How many of those have you had?' he said firmly as the Hobbits looked uncomfortable.
'Four each,' ventured Merry.
'Oh, that's fine then,' laughed Legolas, clearly relieved. 'Have you got any for me? I'll pay you double, no make that triple!' The Hobbits gladly handed over some of their spoils to the eager elf, who washed the little tablets down with his vodka and orange.
'Well you three have a good time – I'd suggest a bit of dancing. Boromirs been thrown out so your quite safe,' he added.
But where was Frodo? Legolas searched room after room, through unending scenes of squalor and decadence. 'Rivendell truly is the jewel of the elven kingdom,' he thought as he saw Master Pimp Cirdan of the Havens, arriving with a bunch of the finest west coast ho's in Middle-Earth.
Turning a final corner, he found himself confronted by a door. The elvish rune for 'at work' was emblazoned on its surface. Legolas listened awhile, heard nothing and then twisted the handle.
Frodo lay back dreamily on the bed, his hands folded behind his head and eyes closed, unaware that the elven beauty getting undressed beside him had already pinched his wallet, watch and was currently searching through the pockets of his jacket. Not finding anything more, she clambered onto the bed, her slight weight pressing down on the eager Hobbit and began to nibble playfully on his ears. Frodo allowed his hands to slide softly down her exquisite back as she began to remove his mithril vest, which she eyed longingly before sliding it under the bed.
The door burst open!
'ARWEN!!' screamed Legolas, his voice breaking into the girly wail. With one bound, he leapt across the room and roughly forced them apart. Frodo gasped in horror.
'Just what do you think your doing, you..you..WHORE!!' the enraged elf continued, seizing Arwen by the shoulders and shaking her violently.
'Get over it Mirkwood Boy,' she countered sullenly. 'So we slept together once, big deal – you were rubbish anyway. That once was on the house as a greeting gift from my father. Sorry if you thought it meant something,' she added patronisingly.
Not being able to think of a witty enough comeback, Legolas turned on Frodo.
'And you,' he cried, advancing on the hastily dressing Hobbit. 'You're supposed to be on my side.' He swung a punch at Frodo's retreating figure, who, half in and half out of his trousers, fell sprawling out of the door. Legolas was in hot pursuit and raised his leg to deliver a flying kick on the fallen Frodo when something curled deftly around his foot and he crashed to the floor beside the Hobbit. Gandalf the Grey stood over them, a grim but pleased with himself look playing across his face.
'It appears the Weed is already at work within the Fellowship,' he said grimly. 'We must resist the temptation to give in to the Drug Lord. It is getting late and a cold wind blows from the East. Sauron's forces are massing in the dark land. The Eye draws ever nearer to our plight. The Nazgul are poised to strike. But most terrifying of all, I am completely out of Viagra. Let us assemble in the dance hall.'
Frodo and Legolas stared at each other for a second, and then burst out laughing.
They headed back to the main hall, Frodo searching desperately for his wallet as they went. When the three of them entered the room they saw the rest of the Fellowship plus five hundred or so other patrons crowded around the stage. Lord Elrond was standing before them all, his hands raised for quiet. He was wearing an unbuttoned, grubby leather shirt, his chest covered in overly large medallions. There was a pair of purple tinted sunglasses pushed up onto his head and rolled up cigarette behind his ear. It was no wonder all the ladies had edged carefully away from him.
'This here is Aragorn,' he was saying, pointing to the bedraggled Ranger. 'He claims to be the King of Gondor so we know he has a sense of humour. Just as well because he has also asked for my daughter Arwen's hand in marriage, so I'm sure he'll find it hilarious when I say OVER MY DEAD BODY!!'
Aragorn cowered away from Elronds wrathful glare.
'Anyway,'said Elrond, his voice changing, 'our 'king' here claims to have a moral boosting song to sing before him and his buddies head off on a little errand I've planned, so come up here and get it over with.'
Shiftily Aragorn climbed upon the stage to mild applause, unaware he was standing under the neon-highlighted word 'GIRL' from the sentence 'pay for 2 and get another girl free!' that stretched around the room.
'Okay,' began the Ranger, sweat pouring from his forehead. 'Here's a little number that I learnt from this hooded guy I met in Bree one time – called himself the Witch-King or something – I think he was on drugs, I know I was. Anyway, it goes a little something like this…'
He began to rap, making some awful attempts at 'street-style' moves.
"Hey kids, do you like Morgoth?
Wanna see me use the shards of Narsil, to cut some Elves heads off,
Wanna copy me and…."
'Stop,' roared Gandalf as the audience shifted uncomfortably. 'Maybe you've got another song,' he said pointedly to Aragorn who was frozen in a ridiculous pose with both his hands reaching out before him.
The Ranger looked surprised, and blinked stupidly.
'Oh. Alright then. Here's a little ditty that I've been working on while on my many dangerous quests.'
Someone laughed mockingly in the crowd. Unsurprisingly, it was Gimli. The beat started again and Aragorn began.
"May I have your attention please, may I have you attention please?
Will the real king of Gondor please stand up?
I repeat, will the real king of Gondor please stand up?
We're gonna have a problem here…
You all act like you've never seen a Ranger before,
Jaws all on the floor,
Like Arwen and Haldir just burst in the door,
And started whoopin her elf ass worse than before,
Then went to Mordor,
And joined the Drug Lord.
It's the Return of the King…
Aww…wait, your kidding,
He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?
And the Steward of Gondor will say…
Nothing you idiots – that guy will be dead on the day.
Elven woman love Aragorn,
'That Ranger, look at him,
Sleepin around, killing god knows what,
Hiding from Sauron too,
Yeah, but he's usually drunk though.'
Yep, I probably got a couple of lembas up in my head loose,
But no worse than whats goin' on in Galadriel's bedroom.
Sometimes I just want to get on me palantir and cut loose,
But can't, but its cool for Saruman to put his to pornographic…use…
Aragorn stuttered to a stop, realising the whole room was staring open mouthed with horror at his blasphemous lyrics. Gandalf shook his head sadly and started to walk for the door. The rest of the Fellowship followed him. Elrond mounted the stage, his face purple with anger.
'Never has anyone uttered the foul language of the Great Enema under this roof before, you Ranger scum,' he yelled at Aragorn's quaking form. 'Get out of this house and never come back!'
Aragorn turned and fled after the rest of the Fellowship.
Coming Soon – 'The Near Miss-ty Mountains.'
Lord of the Sleaze 4
The Flight From Rivendell
Legolas had ditched his shoddy showgirl outfit and was now wondering around, feeling somewhat disturbed after accidentally walking in on Gimli engaged in a kinky sex game with some of Rivendells less fussy working girls. He headed for the dance floor, passing Aragorn on the way, who looked up excitedly as he approached and then looked down, shamefaced. 'Poor guy,' thought Legolas. If the rumours were true, Aragorn had never been with a woman despite the blatantly falsified tales of his sexual conquests that he liked to share with them all at every possible moment. This was probably due to the fact that the ranger had spent much of his life in the wilderness, learning the ancient ways, or lost, as everyone else called it.
Legolas was watching as Boromir was escorted from the room by security for unintentionally clubbing one of Elrond's vast collection of daughters with his shield, when he felt a tap on the shoulder. Turning, he saw Gandalf peering out of a broom cupboard, with only a grey beard to protect his modesty. A girly laugh issued from the darkness behind him.
'Hey – Lego,' hissed the wizard. 'You couldn't go check on the Hobbits for us, its just I've…erm…got my hands full.' He laughed nervously. Legolas didn't. There was an uncomfortable silence before Gandalf slammed the door again.
Sam, Merry and Pippin were found clustered tightly around a particularly grimy looking Orc in a dark corner of the dance floor. He was handing out 'gifts' to them all from a bag that he quickly stuffed into his pocket as Legolas arrived.
'So, they're like…sweets?' Pippin was saying earnestly, popping them into his mouth.
'S'pose so,' growled the Orc and beat a hasty retreat from the advancing elf. Legolas surveyed them all grimly while Sam jumped from one foot to the other.
'How many of those have you had?' he said firmly as the Hobbits looked uncomfortable.
'Four each,' ventured Merry.
'Oh, that's fine then,' laughed Legolas, clearly relieved. 'Have you got any for me? I'll pay you double, no make that triple!' The Hobbits gladly handed over some of their spoils to the eager elf, who washed the little tablets down with his vodka and orange.
'Well you three have a good time – I'd suggest a bit of dancing. Boromirs been thrown out so your quite safe,' he added.
But where was Frodo? Legolas searched room after room, through unending scenes of squalor and decadence. 'Rivendell truly is the jewel of the elven kingdom,' he thought as he saw Master Pimp Cirdan of the Havens, arriving with a bunch of the finest west coast ho's in Middle-Earth.
Turning a final corner, he found himself confronted by a door. The elvish rune for 'at work' was emblazoned on its surface. Legolas listened awhile, heard nothing and then twisted the handle.
Frodo lay back dreamily on the bed, his hands folded behind his head and eyes closed, unaware that the elven beauty getting undressed beside him had already pinched his wallet, watch and was currently searching through the pockets of his jacket. Not finding anything more, she clambered onto the bed, her slight weight pressing down on the eager Hobbit and began to nibble playfully on his ears. Frodo allowed his hands to slide softly down her exquisite back as she began to remove his mithril vest, which she eyed longingly before sliding it under the bed.
The door burst open!
'ARWEN!!' screamed Legolas, his voice breaking into the girly wail. With one bound, he leapt across the room and roughly forced them apart. Frodo gasped in horror.
'Just what do you think your doing, you..you..WHORE!!' the enraged elf continued, seizing Arwen by the shoulders and shaking her violently.
'Get over it Mirkwood Boy,' she countered sullenly. 'So we slept together once, big deal – you were rubbish anyway. That once was on the house as a greeting gift from my father. Sorry if you thought it meant something,' she added patronisingly.
Not being able to think of a witty enough comeback, Legolas turned on Frodo.
'And you,' he cried, advancing on the hastily dressing Hobbit. 'You're supposed to be on my side.' He swung a punch at Frodo's retreating figure, who, half in and half out of his trousers, fell sprawling out of the door. Legolas was in hot pursuit and raised his leg to deliver a flying kick on the fallen Frodo when something curled deftly around his foot and he crashed to the floor beside the Hobbit. Gandalf the Grey stood over them, a grim but pleased with himself look playing across his face.
'It appears the Weed is already at work within the Fellowship,' he said grimly. 'We must resist the temptation to give in to the Drug Lord. It is getting late and a cold wind blows from the East. Sauron's forces are massing in the dark land. The Eye draws ever nearer to our plight. The Nazgul are poised to strike. But most terrifying of all, I am completely out of Viagra. Let us assemble in the dance hall.'
Frodo and Legolas stared at each other for a second, and then burst out laughing.
They headed back to the main hall, Frodo searching desperately for his wallet as they went. When the three of them entered the room they saw the rest of the Fellowship plus five hundred or so other patrons crowded around the stage. Lord Elrond was standing before them all, his hands raised for quiet. He was wearing an unbuttoned, grubby leather shirt, his chest covered in overly large medallions. There was a pair of purple tinted sunglasses pushed up onto his head and rolled up cigarette behind his ear. It was no wonder all the ladies had edged carefully away from him.
'This here is Aragorn,' he was saying, pointing to the bedraggled Ranger. 'He claims to be the King of Gondor so we know he has a sense of humour. Just as well because he has also asked for my daughter Arwen's hand in marriage, so I'm sure he'll find it hilarious when I say OVER MY DEAD BODY!!'
Aragorn cowered away from Elronds wrathful glare.
'Anyway,'said Elrond, his voice changing, 'our 'king' here claims to have a moral boosting song to sing before him and his buddies head off on a little errand I've planned, so come up here and get it over with.'
Shiftily Aragorn climbed upon the stage to mild applause, unaware he was standing under the neon-highlighted word 'GIRL' from the sentence 'pay for 2 and get another girl free!' that stretched around the room.
'Okay,' began the Ranger, sweat pouring from his forehead. 'Here's a little number that I learnt from this hooded guy I met in Bree one time – called himself the Witch-King or something – I think he was on drugs, I know I was. Anyway, it goes a little something like this…'
He began to rap, making some awful attempts at 'street-style' moves.
"Hey kids, do you like Morgoth?
Wanna see me use the shards of Narsil, to cut some Elves heads off,
Wanna copy me and…."
'Stop,' roared Gandalf as the audience shifted uncomfortably. 'Maybe you've got another song,' he said pointedly to Aragorn who was frozen in a ridiculous pose with both his hands reaching out before him.
The Ranger looked surprised, and blinked stupidly.
'Oh. Alright then. Here's a little ditty that I've been working on while on my many dangerous quests.'
Someone laughed mockingly in the crowd. Unsurprisingly, it was Gimli. The beat started again and Aragorn began.
"May I have your attention please, may I have you attention please?
Will the real king of Gondor please stand up?
I repeat, will the real king of Gondor please stand up?
We're gonna have a problem here…
You all act like you've never seen a Ranger before,
Jaws all on the floor,
Like Arwen and Haldir just burst in the door,
And started whoopin her elf ass worse than before,
Then went to Mordor,
And joined the Drug Lord.
It's the Return of the King…
Aww…wait, your kidding,
He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?
And the Steward of Gondor will say…
Nothing you idiots – that guy will be dead on the day.
Elven woman love Aragorn,
'That Ranger, look at him,
Sleepin around, killing god knows what,
Hiding from Sauron too,
Yeah, but he's usually drunk though.'
Yep, I probably got a couple of lembas up in my head loose,
But no worse than whats goin' on in Galadriel's bedroom.
Sometimes I just want to get on me palantir and cut loose,
But can't, but its cool for Saruman to put his to pornographic…use…
Aragorn stuttered to a stop, realising the whole room was staring open mouthed with horror at his blasphemous lyrics. Gandalf shook his head sadly and started to walk for the door. The rest of the Fellowship followed him. Elrond mounted the stage, his face purple with anger.
'Never has anyone uttered the foul language of the Great Enema under this roof before, you Ranger scum,' he yelled at Aragorn's quaking form. 'Get out of this house and never come back!'
Aragorn turned and fled after the rest of the Fellowship.
Coming Soon – 'The Near Miss-ty Mountains.'