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Lord of the Sleaze 6
A Journey in the 'Hood
As they neared the walls of Moria, the Fellowship tried not to breath. A deep pool of sewage was being pumped out of a pipe in the rock to collect in a foul lake before the very gate of the Dwarvish city. As they slid their way around it, the Hobbits were reminded of their own beloved River Brandywine and the Shire.
'You think we'll ever see it again, Mr Frodo sir?' said Sam pathetically as he struggled to remain on his feet.
'We may yet Sam,' replied Frodo, trying not to laugh as Boromir sunk up to his knees in a particularly thick pool of effluent.
'A curse on the Dwarves and their shoddy plumbing,' the warrior rasped, wrapping a scarf around his face and hauling himself out.
It was not long before they reached a gigantic door cut into the side of the mountain, once adorned with faded posters advertising club nights at Lothlorien, but now all but obscured by evil flyers for Sauron's establishments. 'Club Barad-dur' 'Mash it Up at Minas Morgul' and 'Get Bladdered at the Black Gate' featured prominently. Gimli tore them down in rage.
'I can't believe my cousin Balin would let this happen,' he grumbled. 'And why's he locked the door on old friends?'
There was no visible means of opening the door; not that any of the Fellowship were in a fit state to open their own mouths, since Boromir had been passing round his Rivendell home-brew for most of the day. Gandalf, still in a mood after the missile attack began a lecture about how he knew what to do, and that they should respect their elders and maybe he'd think about opening it for them if they each paid him a lump cash sum. It was getting dark so Legolas cracked open one of his glo-sticks, illuminating the group in a soft neon light. Instantly, a Dwarvish message sprang out upon the wall, startlingly bright in the pale moonlight.
'SPEAK, STUPID, AND ENTER' read Frodo slowly as the rest of the Fellowship crowded round.
'Its obviously some kind of riddle,' announced Sam, big headedly. 'What's the elvish word for 'stupid'?'
Gandalf rounded on him angrily,
'Don't be such a FUCKWIT!!!' he roared. Behind him, the door rolled open with a low rumble.
'Jackpot!' yelled Gimli, as Gandalf gave Sam the finger, a dark look upon his face.
Several things happened very quickly. Firstly, a dead Dwarf rolled out of the darkness in front of them.
'Looks like the parties just getting started,' said Gimli excitedly, and started forward. Frodo, who was at the back of the group, suddenly felt a voice in his mind, a voice filled with cruelty that muttered 'SMOKE THE WEED…SMOKE THE WEED'. Dimwittedly he drew out a pre-rolled joint and sparked it. The thick clouds of methane, which hung over the foul lake behind him, ignited with a mighty blast, throwing the Fellowship forward and into the darkness of Moria. Rocks tumbled from the roof, blocking their exit and then all was silent, except for the sound of Merry wailing shrilly, then being gagged by Aragorn.
A light swelled in the gloom and they looked round to see Gandalf, a smug grin on his face, holding a Maglite in his hands.
'Well some of us came prepared,' he gloated, pointing at his torch. 'Now we must endure the long dark of Moria.'
He cast the light around. The bodies of Dwarves lay strewn around the floor, their eyes bloodshot, and their hair long and greasy. There was a distinct smell of marijuana, and signs that there had recently been a great pall of smoke in the room.
'This was one hell of a party,' gasped Gimli in awe. Gandalf said nothing, but there was a deep, hooded fear in his eyes. The Dwarves had smoked too much and too soon in the 'Hood – he knew what they had awakened in the depths of Moria…
For what seemed like days they followed Gandalf, in what seemed like circles. Frodo was convinced they had passed the dead dwarf clutching a can of Special Brew at least eight times now, but thought to himself 'after all, Gandalf is a powerful wizard – he must know what he's doing.' Gandalf was helplessly lost but still trying to maintain an air of relaxed confidence.
'Just around the next corner, I think,' he called back cheerfully. When confronted with a set of three tunnels, he added 'to the next stage of our journey.'
Gimli had resigned himself to the fact that things had indeed gone wrong in the 'Hood and Legolas was teasing him about it unmercifully.
'Incest – always gets you in the end,' he chuckled. 'Us elves used to go in for that in the old days but as you can see,' he pointed to some Dwarf skeletons, which Orcs had placed in a complicated sexual position, 'things like this happen!'
'What's Gandalf up to,' whispered Pippin in the dark. Up ahead, Gandalf was wandering around the end of a dead-end corridor, hunched over a variety of small objects on the ground. Suddenly he came running back, screaming 'FIRE IN THE HOLE'. The whole 'Hood of Moria seemed to shake with the blast which blew the end out of the tunnel, to reveal another choice of three. The sound of the explosion echoed into the depths. None of the Fellowship gave it another thought.
'Bugger,' said Gandalf. 'Another three tunnels. Let us rest while I try and remember the way.'
Aragorn snapped. 'You don't know where the fuck we're going, do you, you old bastard.' He lunged at the wizard's throat, only to be restrained by Boromir, who seized him around the waist, accidentally fumbling the Rangers 'package'.
'What the…?' said Aragorn, turning round with fear in his eyes. 'Did you just do what I think you did?'
'It was an accident,' protested Boromir. The pair both pulled out their blades. Gandalf placed restraining hands on their shoulders and suggested that it might be better if they used swords in front of the Hobbits…
As the two warriors slugged it out, Gandalf sat down and tried to remember which way to go. The Hobbits clustered together and polished off the remaining mushrooms from Merry and Pippin's stash. Upon finishing, Pippin held up the cool-box they'd carried all the way to keep them fresh.
'We won't be needing this any more,' he cheered, and tossed it down a nearby well. The sound it made was almost imperceptible but Gandalf leapt to his feet.
'Fool of a Took,' he bellowed. 'You'll bring the forces of the Drug Lord down upon us!'
'But you just set of all those mines….' began the quaking Hobbit.
'Silence!' roared Gandalf. 'No one likes a smartarse.'
Frodo fingered the Weed in his pocket. It seemed to be growing colder as if some inconceivably evil force was closing in, and he shuddered. Suddenly Gimli spoke up.
'We take the middle tunnel by the way. I was just delaying to teach Gandalf a lesson, the old codger. We've been going in circles for ages.'
Legolas groaned.
'Cheers mate,' added Aragorn sarcastically to the wizard, who shuffled his feet uncomfortably and looked at the floor.
The Fellowship plunged on through the dark. Gradually they all started to become aware of a sound on the air; empty beer cans were being crushed by grimy fists and loud belches echoed down the passage behind them.
'It appears we are being followed,' said Boromir obviously.
'Sounds like it could be Balin after all,' whispered Gimli hopefully, but it wasn't encouraging.
The tunnel began to open out and a weak light filtered down from the ceiling, as the foul noise of pursuit grew by the minute. Spotting a door to their left, Legolas dived through it and considered locking the door before the others had a chance to get inside, before his guilt got the better of him. They all crowded in, barring the vast wooden door behind them; and raising the torch above his head, Gandalf surveyed their hiding place. The entire Fellowship had crammed themselves into a Dwarvish toilet cubicle, its walls adorned with graffiti. Sam quickly read the twisted scrawl as the flashlight passed over the runes; 'IS THAT THE BRIDGE OF KAZAD-DUM IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST PLEASED TO SEE ME' and 'FOR KINKY SEX, PHONE THORIN ON 0800-696969' he quoted aloud.
As the light panned round, a sight leapt out of the darkness that caused all but the most dim-witted of Hobbits to scream like a girl. Sat upon the actual toilet itself was the dried out corpse of a dead Dwarf, an expression of pain on its face and a large, leather bound book balanced across its knees.
'Balin!' wept Gimli, falling to his knees.
'What a way to go,' gasped Legolas, bowing his head as a mark of respect. Gandalf tiptoed forward and drew the book from under the Dwarfs clenched fists, and gingerly turned the stained pages. He began to read aloud, his voice echoing through the enclosed space.
THERE HAS BEEN MUCH DOPE SMOKING AT THE EAST WALL…ORI…SO DRUNK…FELL DOWN MINE SHAFT…someone's spilt beer over the next bit…BONGS, BONGS IN THE DEEP…there's a hole burnt here…WE CANNOT GET DRUNK…STOLEN ALE…I think this is vomit…WEED SMOKING COMPETITION…FIRE AND SMOKE – WE LOVE IT…more vomit…ITS STARTED…THEY ARE SMOKING…
Coming Soon – 'The Bong of Hazard-Doom'
Lord of the Sleaze 6
A Journey in the 'Hood
As they neared the walls of Moria, the Fellowship tried not to breath. A deep pool of sewage was being pumped out of a pipe in the rock to collect in a foul lake before the very gate of the Dwarvish city. As they slid their way around it, the Hobbits were reminded of their own beloved River Brandywine and the Shire.
'You think we'll ever see it again, Mr Frodo sir?' said Sam pathetically as he struggled to remain on his feet.
'We may yet Sam,' replied Frodo, trying not to laugh as Boromir sunk up to his knees in a particularly thick pool of effluent.
'A curse on the Dwarves and their shoddy plumbing,' the warrior rasped, wrapping a scarf around his face and hauling himself out.
It was not long before they reached a gigantic door cut into the side of the mountain, once adorned with faded posters advertising club nights at Lothlorien, but now all but obscured by evil flyers for Sauron's establishments. 'Club Barad-dur' 'Mash it Up at Minas Morgul' and 'Get Bladdered at the Black Gate' featured prominently. Gimli tore them down in rage.
'I can't believe my cousin Balin would let this happen,' he grumbled. 'And why's he locked the door on old friends?'
There was no visible means of opening the door; not that any of the Fellowship were in a fit state to open their own mouths, since Boromir had been passing round his Rivendell home-brew for most of the day. Gandalf, still in a mood after the missile attack began a lecture about how he knew what to do, and that they should respect their elders and maybe he'd think about opening it for them if they each paid him a lump cash sum. It was getting dark so Legolas cracked open one of his glo-sticks, illuminating the group in a soft neon light. Instantly, a Dwarvish message sprang out upon the wall, startlingly bright in the pale moonlight.
'SPEAK, STUPID, AND ENTER' read Frodo slowly as the rest of the Fellowship crowded round.
'Its obviously some kind of riddle,' announced Sam, big headedly. 'What's the elvish word for 'stupid'?'
Gandalf rounded on him angrily,
'Don't be such a FUCKWIT!!!' he roared. Behind him, the door rolled open with a low rumble.
'Jackpot!' yelled Gimli, as Gandalf gave Sam the finger, a dark look upon his face.
Several things happened very quickly. Firstly, a dead Dwarf rolled out of the darkness in front of them.
'Looks like the parties just getting started,' said Gimli excitedly, and started forward. Frodo, who was at the back of the group, suddenly felt a voice in his mind, a voice filled with cruelty that muttered 'SMOKE THE WEED…SMOKE THE WEED'. Dimwittedly he drew out a pre-rolled joint and sparked it. The thick clouds of methane, which hung over the foul lake behind him, ignited with a mighty blast, throwing the Fellowship forward and into the darkness of Moria. Rocks tumbled from the roof, blocking their exit and then all was silent, except for the sound of Merry wailing shrilly, then being gagged by Aragorn.
A light swelled in the gloom and they looked round to see Gandalf, a smug grin on his face, holding a Maglite in his hands.
'Well some of us came prepared,' he gloated, pointing at his torch. 'Now we must endure the long dark of Moria.'
He cast the light around. The bodies of Dwarves lay strewn around the floor, their eyes bloodshot, and their hair long and greasy. There was a distinct smell of marijuana, and signs that there had recently been a great pall of smoke in the room.
'This was one hell of a party,' gasped Gimli in awe. Gandalf said nothing, but there was a deep, hooded fear in his eyes. The Dwarves had smoked too much and too soon in the 'Hood – he knew what they had awakened in the depths of Moria…
For what seemed like days they followed Gandalf, in what seemed like circles. Frodo was convinced they had passed the dead dwarf clutching a can of Special Brew at least eight times now, but thought to himself 'after all, Gandalf is a powerful wizard – he must know what he's doing.' Gandalf was helplessly lost but still trying to maintain an air of relaxed confidence.
'Just around the next corner, I think,' he called back cheerfully. When confronted with a set of three tunnels, he added 'to the next stage of our journey.'
Gimli had resigned himself to the fact that things had indeed gone wrong in the 'Hood and Legolas was teasing him about it unmercifully.
'Incest – always gets you in the end,' he chuckled. 'Us elves used to go in for that in the old days but as you can see,' he pointed to some Dwarf skeletons, which Orcs had placed in a complicated sexual position, 'things like this happen!'
'What's Gandalf up to,' whispered Pippin in the dark. Up ahead, Gandalf was wandering around the end of a dead-end corridor, hunched over a variety of small objects on the ground. Suddenly he came running back, screaming 'FIRE IN THE HOLE'. The whole 'Hood of Moria seemed to shake with the blast which blew the end out of the tunnel, to reveal another choice of three. The sound of the explosion echoed into the depths. None of the Fellowship gave it another thought.
'Bugger,' said Gandalf. 'Another three tunnels. Let us rest while I try and remember the way.'
Aragorn snapped. 'You don't know where the fuck we're going, do you, you old bastard.' He lunged at the wizard's throat, only to be restrained by Boromir, who seized him around the waist, accidentally fumbling the Rangers 'package'.
'What the…?' said Aragorn, turning round with fear in his eyes. 'Did you just do what I think you did?'
'It was an accident,' protested Boromir. The pair both pulled out their blades. Gandalf placed restraining hands on their shoulders and suggested that it might be better if they used swords in front of the Hobbits…
As the two warriors slugged it out, Gandalf sat down and tried to remember which way to go. The Hobbits clustered together and polished off the remaining mushrooms from Merry and Pippin's stash. Upon finishing, Pippin held up the cool-box they'd carried all the way to keep them fresh.
'We won't be needing this any more,' he cheered, and tossed it down a nearby well. The sound it made was almost imperceptible but Gandalf leapt to his feet.
'Fool of a Took,' he bellowed. 'You'll bring the forces of the Drug Lord down upon us!'
'But you just set of all those mines….' began the quaking Hobbit.
'Silence!' roared Gandalf. 'No one likes a smartarse.'
Frodo fingered the Weed in his pocket. It seemed to be growing colder as if some inconceivably evil force was closing in, and he shuddered. Suddenly Gimli spoke up.
'We take the middle tunnel by the way. I was just delaying to teach Gandalf a lesson, the old codger. We've been going in circles for ages.'
Legolas groaned.
'Cheers mate,' added Aragorn sarcastically to the wizard, who shuffled his feet uncomfortably and looked at the floor.
The Fellowship plunged on through the dark. Gradually they all started to become aware of a sound on the air; empty beer cans were being crushed by grimy fists and loud belches echoed down the passage behind them.
'It appears we are being followed,' said Boromir obviously.
'Sounds like it could be Balin after all,' whispered Gimli hopefully, but it wasn't encouraging.
The tunnel began to open out and a weak light filtered down from the ceiling, as the foul noise of pursuit grew by the minute. Spotting a door to their left, Legolas dived through it and considered locking the door before the others had a chance to get inside, before his guilt got the better of him. They all crowded in, barring the vast wooden door behind them; and raising the torch above his head, Gandalf surveyed their hiding place. The entire Fellowship had crammed themselves into a Dwarvish toilet cubicle, its walls adorned with graffiti. Sam quickly read the twisted scrawl as the flashlight passed over the runes; 'IS THAT THE BRIDGE OF KAZAD-DUM IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST PLEASED TO SEE ME' and 'FOR KINKY SEX, PHONE THORIN ON 0800-696969' he quoted aloud.
As the light panned round, a sight leapt out of the darkness that caused all but the most dim-witted of Hobbits to scream like a girl. Sat upon the actual toilet itself was the dried out corpse of a dead Dwarf, an expression of pain on its face and a large, leather bound book balanced across its knees.
'Balin!' wept Gimli, falling to his knees.
'What a way to go,' gasped Legolas, bowing his head as a mark of respect. Gandalf tiptoed forward and drew the book from under the Dwarfs clenched fists, and gingerly turned the stained pages. He began to read aloud, his voice echoing through the enclosed space.
THERE HAS BEEN MUCH DOPE SMOKING AT THE EAST WALL…ORI…SO DRUNK…FELL DOWN MINE SHAFT…someone's spilt beer over the next bit…BONGS, BONGS IN THE DEEP…there's a hole burnt here…WE CANNOT GET DRUNK…STOLEN ALE…I think this is vomit…WEED SMOKING COMPETITION…FIRE AND SMOKE – WE LOVE IT…more vomit…ITS STARTED…THEY ARE SMOKING…
Coming Soon – 'The Bong of Hazard-Doom'