Disclaimer: All the characters and places herein are pinched from Tolkien.
Lord of the Sleaze 8
Lothlorien or 'Bust'.
'So why are we going to Lothlorien?' inquired Frodo as the sight of the distant forest gradually grew larger in front of them.
'Er…important business,' said Aragorn vaguely. Gimli and Legolas exchanged a grin.
'And who is this Lady Galadriel?' Sam asked, jogging to catch up with Aragorn's hurried steps.
'A well respected, and beautiful woman, my young Hobbit,' the Ranger replied cheerfully. 'I trust you will show due reverence.' Boromir laughed loudly behind them.
'Is Gollum still following us?' asked Merry, and the whole Fellowship turned round to find the wizened creature standing directly behind them, who muttered 'oh crap' and dived behind some rocks.
They stopped at a roadside bar for a quick drink before entering the kingdom of Lothlorien, primarily to shut up Boromir who had been moaning ever since finishing his last reserve alcohol supplies during the Balrog fight. The sign above the door read 'The Randy Orc' and despite this rather ominous declaration, the Fellowship slouched in.
'Christ, this was a mistake,' muttered Sam as the Hobbits sat around a table in the corner. Aragorn had gone to buy the drinks with Boromir, who was trying to negotiate the price of a barrel of Mild Entwash, 90% proof, strong enough to stop even Tom Bombadiel in his tracks. The bar was full of unsavoury looking minions of the Drug Lord, underscored with an unnerving air of campness. Frodo had the distinct impression that the Orc sat fingering his weapon (and his scimitar) at the bar, was wearing green lipstick. He felt a shudder of fear. Even Legolas, no stranger to the world of cross-dressing, was looking uneasy. The two warriors returned with the drinks, and they formed a tight circle and exchanged worried glances.
'Drink up, drink up drink up,' whispered Gimli in a panicked chant.
Aragorn suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned round. Standing behind him was a gigantic Orc chieftain, eyes red from excessive use of mascara.
'Any you guys looking for a good time?' he grunted.
'Hell yeah,' said Aragorn enthusiastically. 'Where can I get some female action?'
'If you want,' said the Orc, with a smile, 'I can wear…'
Aragorn turned to the rest of them with a grin…and found himself staring at an empty table. The door banged shut as Boromir, barrel on his shoulders, disappeared into the light.
'Guys?' called Aragorn, running after them. 'Guys?'
At the edge of the wood the infamous 'Pimp-Daddy' Haldir, adorned in sunglasses and a large white Panama hat, greeted them with a bored sneer.
'The elf breathed so loud we could have shot him in the dark,' he hissed, loosing a few arrows in Legolas's direction. Legolas stormed off in a huff. 'Who dares approach the lady of the 'wood'.
Aragorn, who was hiding behind them all, gave Boromir a shove forward. The drunken warrior fell flat on his face, his wallet rolling from his pocket and into the mud. Haldir scooped it up with a grin.
'That will do nicely gentlemen. In you go!'
The Fellowship entered Lothlorien in typical style – dragging Boromir behind them.
As they walked deeper into the wood they became aware of many signs lining the path, enticing weary travellers with mysterious messages such as 'For A Bag Of Mithril, I'll Do Anything'. Scantily clad elves, both male and female, gyrated alluringly between the boughs. Aragorn was basically dragging his tongue along the ground, Legolas was looking bored and Gimli was loudly proclaiming that nothing beat a good orgy with the Riders of Rohan, with or without horses. The Hobbits gaped unnecessarily at the wide range of sexual perversions they witnessed every step of the way. Eventually, they became aware of an elvish song being broadcast on a bad public announcement system.
'What are they singing?' slurred Boromir, lifting his head from the ground in an alcoholic daze.
'It's a lament for Gandalf. The words I cannot say, for I fear I might laugh,' admitted Legolas, who indeed seemed to be having trouble keeping a straight face.
'Go on Mr. Legolas,' implored Sam.
'Oh, all right then,' said Legolas resignedly, and in a clear voice he recited;
"Gandalf the Grey was a powerful wizard,
Who was once caught in Bree having sex with a lizard.
He tried to pull out, but his staff had got stuck,
The Orcs got their cameras, Gandalf cursed his luck.
When finally freed by the magic of Elrond,
Who asked 'why attempt such an unholy bond?'
The wizard replied as he straightened his hat,
'I'll shag what I like, you pointy-eared twat!'"
The whole Fellowship burst into laughter, and still convulsed with mirth they arrived at their destination – the bower of the Lady Galadriel, Queen among elves.
The first thing that struck them when faced by the radiant appearance of Galadriel was the shear size of her breasts. It was rumoured that Sauron himself had paid for the op just so she'd turn a blind eye to the blatant gun-running that went through Lothlorien, cunningly avoiding Gondor, Rohan and any number of other corruptible regions.
'Looks like she's smuggling palantirs,' giggled Boromir, gently lifting the Hobbit's jaws back together. Aragorn was currently on his knees, holding out ever penny he owned and begging for one night of pleasure.
'Not on your life, deadbeat!' she snapped, taking his money anyway. Aragorn crawled away as the elf queen turned to Gimli.
'And what can I do for you Master Dwarf,' she whispered softly. 'Maybe you and your elf friend would like to spend some time with me…'
Gimli and Legolas stared at eachother for a second, weighing the odds, before slapping hands.
'ALRIGHT!!!' they cheered, any bad blood between them suddenly forgotten. As she led them off, she caught Boromir's arm and whispered, 'come and see me later Bory – with a bottle.'
'No problem there,' said Boromir, holding up a dusty champagne bottle he'd surreptitiously pinched form 'The Randy Orc'.
As Galadriel passed the awestruck Hobbits, she cast them a distasteful glance before slipping a note to Frodo. The other Hobbits crowded around as he read aloud. 'COME AND SEE ME AT MIDNIGHT – BY THE FOUNTAIN.'
'Respect,' gasped Sam.
Much later that night, after Aragorn had sat up moaning about not getting the respect worthy of the heir to the Gondor cartel, Boromir returned, swinging an empty bottle with a large grin on his face. He sat down with Legolas and Gimli, and the three of them began to loudly discuss the previous four hours.
'When she brought out all those whips…' said Gimli, in an awed tone. Even Legolas was duly impressed, despite the soreness of his wrists from the handcuffs. Aragorn glowered at them from across the campfire, muttering words of malice and revenge. It was then that Frodo's digital watch alarm went off and he stood up.
'I'm just going away for a minute. For a walk.' No one even looked up, apart from the rest of the Hobbits, who all said 'NICE ONE' before turning back to their newly purchased game of erotic Cluedo.
'So, it was King Theoden, in the Tower of Orthanc, with Treebeard the Ent,' mused Pippin, idly 'tossing his dice'. Sam spun the number generator. Frodo scampered away, into the darkness.
As he neared the fountain, he could see the figure of Galadriel, impatiently drumming her fingers against a tree. As Frodo stepped from the shadows, she greeted him with a wry smile.
'I know what it is you carry, for it is also in my mind,' she purred, placing a heavily nail-varnished hand upon his shoulder.
'The Weed!' said Frodo breathlessly. 'Do you want some?'
'You offer it to me freely,' Galadriel gasped. 'I would be lying if I said that in my heart I have not desired a large joint.'
'Well I've sold it to just about everyone else, except Gandalf who used to pinch it,' said Frodo, starting to see that a night of rampant sex was not on the cards. The elf queen pointed suddenly to the fountain, a gaudy affair, covered in tinsel and coloured lights.
'Stare into the water and tell me what you see,' she said imperiously, lighting a cigarette and yawning. Frodo approached cautiously and peered over the rim. He took a drink from the water, and it became immediately apparent that someone had laced the fountain with LSD, a traditional elf trick. Pretty soon he was seeing all sorts of shit. After half an hour or so of watching elves, dwarves and Shelob the Great engaging in kinky bondage sessions, and Sauron the Drug Lord building hospitals and orphanages, he came upon a sight that caused him to cry aloud in terror. A laughing crowd of Nazgul was shutting down the Hobbiton brothel, 'The Little Goer', and a kindergarten was being built in its place. A rush of happy memories of that beloved building flooded his mind and with a mighty effort he wrenched away from the fountain and fell onto the ground.
'I know what it was you saw,' said Galadriel mysteriously, 'for it is also in my mind. Its what will come to pass should you FAIL. Not that there is any stress or anything.' Frodo had never felt so depressed.
Coming Soon: 'Fellowship Now – Redux'
Lord of the Sleaze 8
Lothlorien or 'Bust'.
'So why are we going to Lothlorien?' inquired Frodo as the sight of the distant forest gradually grew larger in front of them.
'Er…important business,' said Aragorn vaguely. Gimli and Legolas exchanged a grin.
'And who is this Lady Galadriel?' Sam asked, jogging to catch up with Aragorn's hurried steps.
'A well respected, and beautiful woman, my young Hobbit,' the Ranger replied cheerfully. 'I trust you will show due reverence.' Boromir laughed loudly behind them.
'Is Gollum still following us?' asked Merry, and the whole Fellowship turned round to find the wizened creature standing directly behind them, who muttered 'oh crap' and dived behind some rocks.
They stopped at a roadside bar for a quick drink before entering the kingdom of Lothlorien, primarily to shut up Boromir who had been moaning ever since finishing his last reserve alcohol supplies during the Balrog fight. The sign above the door read 'The Randy Orc' and despite this rather ominous declaration, the Fellowship slouched in.
'Christ, this was a mistake,' muttered Sam as the Hobbits sat around a table in the corner. Aragorn had gone to buy the drinks with Boromir, who was trying to negotiate the price of a barrel of Mild Entwash, 90% proof, strong enough to stop even Tom Bombadiel in his tracks. The bar was full of unsavoury looking minions of the Drug Lord, underscored with an unnerving air of campness. Frodo had the distinct impression that the Orc sat fingering his weapon (and his scimitar) at the bar, was wearing green lipstick. He felt a shudder of fear. Even Legolas, no stranger to the world of cross-dressing, was looking uneasy. The two warriors returned with the drinks, and they formed a tight circle and exchanged worried glances.
'Drink up, drink up drink up,' whispered Gimli in a panicked chant.
Aragorn suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned round. Standing behind him was a gigantic Orc chieftain, eyes red from excessive use of mascara.
'Any you guys looking for a good time?' he grunted.
'Hell yeah,' said Aragorn enthusiastically. 'Where can I get some female action?'
'If you want,' said the Orc, with a smile, 'I can wear…'
Aragorn turned to the rest of them with a grin…and found himself staring at an empty table. The door banged shut as Boromir, barrel on his shoulders, disappeared into the light.
'Guys?' called Aragorn, running after them. 'Guys?'
At the edge of the wood the infamous 'Pimp-Daddy' Haldir, adorned in sunglasses and a large white Panama hat, greeted them with a bored sneer.
'The elf breathed so loud we could have shot him in the dark,' he hissed, loosing a few arrows in Legolas's direction. Legolas stormed off in a huff. 'Who dares approach the lady of the 'wood'.
Aragorn, who was hiding behind them all, gave Boromir a shove forward. The drunken warrior fell flat on his face, his wallet rolling from his pocket and into the mud. Haldir scooped it up with a grin.
'That will do nicely gentlemen. In you go!'
The Fellowship entered Lothlorien in typical style – dragging Boromir behind them.
As they walked deeper into the wood they became aware of many signs lining the path, enticing weary travellers with mysterious messages such as 'For A Bag Of Mithril, I'll Do Anything'. Scantily clad elves, both male and female, gyrated alluringly between the boughs. Aragorn was basically dragging his tongue along the ground, Legolas was looking bored and Gimli was loudly proclaiming that nothing beat a good orgy with the Riders of Rohan, with or without horses. The Hobbits gaped unnecessarily at the wide range of sexual perversions they witnessed every step of the way. Eventually, they became aware of an elvish song being broadcast on a bad public announcement system.
'What are they singing?' slurred Boromir, lifting his head from the ground in an alcoholic daze.
'It's a lament for Gandalf. The words I cannot say, for I fear I might laugh,' admitted Legolas, who indeed seemed to be having trouble keeping a straight face.
'Go on Mr. Legolas,' implored Sam.
'Oh, all right then,' said Legolas resignedly, and in a clear voice he recited;
"Gandalf the Grey was a powerful wizard,
Who was once caught in Bree having sex with a lizard.
He tried to pull out, but his staff had got stuck,
The Orcs got their cameras, Gandalf cursed his luck.
When finally freed by the magic of Elrond,
Who asked 'why attempt such an unholy bond?'
The wizard replied as he straightened his hat,
'I'll shag what I like, you pointy-eared twat!'"
The whole Fellowship burst into laughter, and still convulsed with mirth they arrived at their destination – the bower of the Lady Galadriel, Queen among elves.
The first thing that struck them when faced by the radiant appearance of Galadriel was the shear size of her breasts. It was rumoured that Sauron himself had paid for the op just so she'd turn a blind eye to the blatant gun-running that went through Lothlorien, cunningly avoiding Gondor, Rohan and any number of other corruptible regions.
'Looks like she's smuggling palantirs,' giggled Boromir, gently lifting the Hobbit's jaws back together. Aragorn was currently on his knees, holding out ever penny he owned and begging for one night of pleasure.
'Not on your life, deadbeat!' she snapped, taking his money anyway. Aragorn crawled away as the elf queen turned to Gimli.
'And what can I do for you Master Dwarf,' she whispered softly. 'Maybe you and your elf friend would like to spend some time with me…'
Gimli and Legolas stared at eachother for a second, weighing the odds, before slapping hands.
'ALRIGHT!!!' they cheered, any bad blood between them suddenly forgotten. As she led them off, she caught Boromir's arm and whispered, 'come and see me later Bory – with a bottle.'
'No problem there,' said Boromir, holding up a dusty champagne bottle he'd surreptitiously pinched form 'The Randy Orc'.
As Galadriel passed the awestruck Hobbits, she cast them a distasteful glance before slipping a note to Frodo. The other Hobbits crowded around as he read aloud. 'COME AND SEE ME AT MIDNIGHT – BY THE FOUNTAIN.'
'Respect,' gasped Sam.
Much later that night, after Aragorn had sat up moaning about not getting the respect worthy of the heir to the Gondor cartel, Boromir returned, swinging an empty bottle with a large grin on his face. He sat down with Legolas and Gimli, and the three of them began to loudly discuss the previous four hours.
'When she brought out all those whips…' said Gimli, in an awed tone. Even Legolas was duly impressed, despite the soreness of his wrists from the handcuffs. Aragorn glowered at them from across the campfire, muttering words of malice and revenge. It was then that Frodo's digital watch alarm went off and he stood up.
'I'm just going away for a minute. For a walk.' No one even looked up, apart from the rest of the Hobbits, who all said 'NICE ONE' before turning back to their newly purchased game of erotic Cluedo.
'So, it was King Theoden, in the Tower of Orthanc, with Treebeard the Ent,' mused Pippin, idly 'tossing his dice'. Sam spun the number generator. Frodo scampered away, into the darkness.
As he neared the fountain, he could see the figure of Galadriel, impatiently drumming her fingers against a tree. As Frodo stepped from the shadows, she greeted him with a wry smile.
'I know what it is you carry, for it is also in my mind,' she purred, placing a heavily nail-varnished hand upon his shoulder.
'The Weed!' said Frodo breathlessly. 'Do you want some?'
'You offer it to me freely,' Galadriel gasped. 'I would be lying if I said that in my heart I have not desired a large joint.'
'Well I've sold it to just about everyone else, except Gandalf who used to pinch it,' said Frodo, starting to see that a night of rampant sex was not on the cards. The elf queen pointed suddenly to the fountain, a gaudy affair, covered in tinsel and coloured lights.
'Stare into the water and tell me what you see,' she said imperiously, lighting a cigarette and yawning. Frodo approached cautiously and peered over the rim. He took a drink from the water, and it became immediately apparent that someone had laced the fountain with LSD, a traditional elf trick. Pretty soon he was seeing all sorts of shit. After half an hour or so of watching elves, dwarves and Shelob the Great engaging in kinky bondage sessions, and Sauron the Drug Lord building hospitals and orphanages, he came upon a sight that caused him to cry aloud in terror. A laughing crowd of Nazgul was shutting down the Hobbiton brothel, 'The Little Goer', and a kindergarten was being built in its place. A rush of happy memories of that beloved building flooded his mind and with a mighty effort he wrenched away from the fountain and fell onto the ground.
'I know what it was you saw,' said Galadriel mysteriously, 'for it is also in my mind. Its what will come to pass should you FAIL. Not that there is any stress or anything.' Frodo had never felt so depressed.
Coming Soon: 'Fellowship Now – Redux'