Title: And the Feeling Returns
Author: Carrie aka Buffychick
Summary: After a phone call from her father sends Buffy to LA, light is shed on the theory that she came back "wrong."
Rating: PG-13
Archiving: Sure, but ask me first please!
Spoilers: Everything up to and including Season 6 for BtVS and Season 3 for AtS.
Feedback: Would make my life shimmer.
Website for more fanfic and other fun stuff: http://www.angelfire.com/mo3/fanfic/SMGMain.html
*~*~*~*
The search lasted into the early hours of evening as the catacombs were far more extensive than anyone had suspected. They wound for miles under the streets of Sunnydale and were much darker, and by far scarier, than any sewer line they'd ever explored. And in their line of work, sewer lines were second homes for most of their group.
"Degor certainly had himself a fine little following, didn't he?" Gunn remarked as they wandered through yet another room, their flashlights piercing the pitch black. Not even dust danced in the air, as undisturbed as most of the caverns were.
"I remember being popular once," Cordelia sighed, her voice echoing back to her wistfully.
"You're still popular," Gunn countered with a grin. "Now it's just demons after you rather than football players."
"It was never football players," Xander chimed in as he examined a small series of holes in one of the walls of the cave. "I remember some Dingoes…but no football players to speak of."
"Dingoes?" Gunn asked, carefully stepping over some loose rock.
"There was a football player," Willow reminded him. "Remember? He wanted Cordy's head. And I mean that as in, he wanted her head."
Xander grinned. "Riiiight. Darryl Epps."
"What happened?" Gunn asked.
Cordelia glanced over her shoulder. "Long story…one we don't have time for now."
"Oh, I think we can make time," Xander teased and began the horrifying tale that had taken place their sophomore year of high school.
From across the cave Buffy listened to her friends recount memories and joke with each other, unable to summon the feelings of nostalgia she knew should be there…even if the reminiscing was about a freak that tried to kill both she and Cordelia. Shoving the dissatisfying feeling in her stomach even further down she brought her flashlight up and did a double take when the light reflected off something high above her head. The slim beam of light panned up the wall of the cave she was searching, slowly revealing a monstrous, looming statue, a depiction of some hell-beast. The image of a monster suddenly so close to her face, stone or no, made her gasp and take a step back, and in doing so, she tripped over a rock and landed on her backside with a thud. The flashlight clattered away loudly and Buffy cursed under her breath.
"Buffy?" Xander's voice rang out and flashlight rays danced in the area they'd last seen her.
"Yeah," she called. "I'm here. Just tripped."
The group moved to her as she righted herself and grabbed her flashlight.
"You okay?" Willow asked.
Buffy nodded. "Think I found what we're looking for."
"Where?" Tara asked, glancing around.
Buffy turned to where Xander was standing and her flashlight clicked on again, directly on the face of the hideous statue, mere inches from Xander's head. He turned and jumped, hopping behind Cordelia, who grinned.
"You man you," she teased, rolling her eyes.
"The eyes…" Tara murmured, looking up at the statue. "They're the stones."
"My thought exactly," Buffy told her, and handed the girl her flashlight. Getting a hold on the beast's right paw she began scaling the statue until she was straddling its back. Reaching down and around to its face she quickly removed one, then the second, of the two dull orange stones from the eye sockets. Nimbly she made her way back down and put the gems in the shoulder bag Willow carried.
"Mission accomplished," she said as she hit the ground. "Let's get out of here."
"We could…but…oooh…" Cordelia put a hand to her head and Gunn instantly prepared to hold on to the girl.
"Vision," he told them all gruffly as Cordelia began to spasm. She fell to the ground, cushioned by Gunn's arms, and when it was over, her eyes flew open wide.
"We've got to get back to the shop," she gasped.
"What did you see?" Xander cried.
"Angelus…and Connor. We've got some time…it won't happen for a while…but," she moaned again and clutched at her head, "I saw Angel and Connor…and Buffy. Buffy was taking Connor away from Angel."
*~*~*
Angelus sat against the walls of the training room waiting patiently…well, perhaps not patiently, but waiting still, until someone walked back into the room and he could make his move. He wasn't in danger, unless they let dear Buffy get out of control…or perhaps if Xander got alone with him for five minutes…but the thought of that only made him grin in spite himself. Harris wasn't a threat, even if he was currently chained to a wall and mystically bound by magic. Should the boy get a gust of bravado and attempt to take him out…well…he'd probably trip over his feet and end up with the wrong end of a stake in the gut. And that would lead to bleeding to death…which would be more entertainment than Angelus could possibly handle at the moment.
No, he wasn't in any danger. They wouldn't kill him. Not for fear that they could return his soul to him. And he wasn't about to let that happen a third time.
He looked up then when Wesley walked into the room, nose in a book as usual.
"Ah, Wes. Doing your part to keep this town safe."
Wesley afforded him a glance before returning to his book, anything but interested in what the vampire had to say. "Actually, I came to ask if you wanted anything. You've been here for hours now…I thought perhaps you were hungry."
Angelus grinned a slow, methodic grin. "Offering yourself up, Wes? Like a lamb to the slaughter?"
Wesley's expression didn't change, he remained aloof, completely easy at being in the room with a vampire that would kill him in a moment if given the chance. "Hardly."
"Going to let me eat her then?" Angel asked, jerking his head towards the queen, sleeping unceremoniously in her chair, head hanging down, chin resting on her chest. At his words the queen's demon guard tried to muster some strength but was too weakened to keep up the façade for long.
At that moment Fred walked into the back holding a mug of blood and a straw. She approached Angel when Wesley stopped her and they traded wares. The book in her hands now Fred stepped back and watched as Wesley knelt in front of Angel and offered the straw.
Angelus glared at him. "That's really not what I want. I believe I ordered the…" his eyes moved to Fred "…veal."
"And if I really had a choice, perhaps I wouldn't care to feed you at all. However, when we cure you, and we're going to cure you, I don't care to have your true self upset with me for permitting you to go hungry. Drink," he said forcibly, moving the mug closer. "It will be the last time I offer."
Angelus grinned lazily and complied, sucking slowly at first, then realizing his hunger and slurping more quickly. When the last swallow had been downed Angel sat back, his eyes level on Wesley's. And then he spit a mouthful of blood over his friend's face.
Wesley sat back, his expression unchanged, and Fred gasped, moving to his side, helping him up as Angelus giggled maniacally. Calmly, Wesley wiped his face, his white handkerchief stained bright crimson and turned to leave the room.
"Next time I feed, it won't be pig's blood," Angelus called as they retreated.
Fred turned angrily. "What is wrong with you?! How can you be like this to your friends?!"
Angelus grinned more broadly at her outburst, and slowly the grin turned into laughter, then full-blown hysterics as Fred stood in front of him, confused and glowering. Wesley approached her calmly and touched her shoulder, turning her to him and leading her out of the room.
"I don't understand! How is he like this? Doesn't he remember any of it? You said he's got all of Angel's memories!" the distraught girl cried as she stormed back into the shop. Anya was seated at the table leafing through books.
"He does, Fred, but you have to understand. All of Angel's compassion comes from the soul. Without it…the memories mean nothing."
Fred was quiet for a moment. "So Buffy can remember all the stuff she's gone through, but she doesn't care."
Wesley considered. "I'd imagine it's exactly the same thing."
"But she's not mean," Fred pointed out. "Exactly."
"She doesn't have a raging demon in her either," Anya chimed in without looking up from her book.
"The demon is what does this to him, Fred," Wesley began. "It's filled with hate and anger…a passion for destruction. And Angel is smart. He knows his enemies…or those he perceives as enemies. He knows the best way to get to us isn't necessarily through physical pain, but through emotional distress."
Fred considered for a moment before moving to Connor's makeshift bed. "How can he not remember how much he loves this little boy?"
"The Soul does…it's still there, somewhere. It remembers," he reminded her, taking her hand and leading her back to the table and away from the sleeping child.
They sat in silence for a moment before Fred relented and picked up a book, returning to the research. After a moment, she spoke again. "It must be horrible for her."
Wesley looked up. "Who?"
"Buffy."
Wesley's face softened a bit. "I'm sure it is."
"I mean…she doesn't have a demon in her…but I'm not sure that's any better."
"What do you mean?"
"Well…take away the demon from Angel…and what's left? Without a soul, and without a demon…he's just a shell pretty much, right?" she asked, brown eyes troubled.
Wesley considered.
"Pretty much," Anya told her. "Hollow like those cheap chocolate Easter rabbits that look huge on the outside but one bite into them and they crumble into little chocolate bunny parts."
Wesley cleared his throat. "Yes, just like that, thank you Anya. Fred…you're probably very close to being correct. I would imagine that without a demon or a soul, Buffy is feeling very alone…empty. Perhaps even a bit lost."
*~*~*
"This way!" Buffy ordered as she led the group through the caverns and back out into the streets of Sunnydale. Night had fallen while they were underground, and the moon was high, round and bright against the blue-black sky. "Are you sure you saw Angel free?" she asked Cordelia as they took off down the dock.
Cordelia nodded. "Way sure. And his mood hadn't improved."
Buffy picked up speed, all but leaving the others in her dust. Zigging around corners she made it to the shop quickly and burst through the door to find Fred sitting at the table, researching. Wesley was at the counter, pulling ingredients down from the shelves, Anya to his left, calculating each item he took.
"Where is he?" Buffy cried, coming to a stop.
"Who?" Wesley asked.
"A-Angel."
"In the back, as you left him…why?"
"He's not…wait. What?" Buffy glanced around, concerned, as the others filed in the front door, all of them breathing heavily, weapons up.
"Where is he?!" Gunn shouted.
Fred and Anya came around to the front, shocked and confused.
"Charles…what's going on?" Fred cried.
"Angel—he's still tied up?" Willow asked.
"Well…yes…I mean, I haven't checked in the last ten minutes, but seeing as…" Wesley stammered.
"Seeing as ya'll are still living…yeah…I guess he's still tied up," Gunn finished.
"What's with the bogus vision?" Xander wondered.
"Hey! I don't make the visions!" Cordy snapped.
"You had a vision?" Wesley asked.
She nodded. "I saw Angel, free. But that's all I saw. He was standing in the middle of the shop, toothy, like vampires tend to get. And he was reaching for Connor. Buffy was holding Connor and Angel was trying to get him away from her."
"Connor's fine…he's right here…sleeping," Fred told them. As she spoke the baby let out a wail. "Or he was until some people came storming in here." She moved to him and picked up the screaming child, rocking him.
"I don't get it," Cordelia muttered, frustrated. "I've never had a vision be wrong."
"But you've had visions that have been interpreted different ways…or that have even taken place way in the future, or long in the past…could this be one of those?" Wesley asked.
Cordy's brow scrunched as she considered. "I guess…maybe it's during the spell?"
"Possible," Wesley admitted, then changed the topic. "Not to undermine the seriousness of Cordelia's vision, but…did you get the crystals?"
Buffy jerked a shoulder. "Yeah. Two of 'em. That enough?"
Wesley's eyes all but danced, in spite of the exhaustion that his body currently fought. "One would have been plenty. Two is somewhat of a bonus."
"Great. Bonus points for us. Let's do this," Buffy told him.
He hesitated. "I'm afraid we can't just yet."
The Slayer sighed. "Why? Are we missing something else?"
"Well…this must be done at night…at midnight."
Buffy groaned. "Figures. It's always midnight."
"So…that means until then we can sleep, right? Hours and hours of sleep?" Gunn asked hopefully.
"Yes…I suppose," Wesley began.
"What?" Willow asked. "You're hedging."
"I'm not, really. You have a few hours to get some rest, of course. We need to be set up and ready at the stroke of midnight or we'll have to wait another twenty-four hours."
"And Mr. Summers isn't going to go for that," Willow reminded them.
"So we'll be ready," Buffy announced. "We've got the stones, the herbs, the chants…we're all ready."
"Don't forget the magic kid," Xander reminded her, nodding at Connor.
Buffy hesitated. "Right."
The group remained where they were standing until finally Cordelia moved to a chair. "I'll be the first to admit it. I'm tired. But Xander, Gunn and Wes barely got any sleep. So…why don't you guys knock off for a while and the rest of us can snooze in shifts if we're tired. If you leave now you can still get in about…oh…four hours before midnight."
"Better than nothing," Willow agreed.
"Are we sure that's such a good idea? What about Cordy's vision? If Angel gets loose…" Gunn trailed off.
"I'll be here," Buffy finished for him. "And I won't kill him, fun though it may sound. But I'll make him sorry if he tries to hurt Connor…or anyone else."
The guys glanced at each other then quickly headed to the door before anyone could stop them. Just as he was about to exit, Xander turned. "You guys…you're sure you're gonna be okay here with them in the back?"
"We got it," Cordy assured him. "We'll keep Buffy away from Angel, and Angel away from the living, and all will be fine. We'll call your place in a few hours to make sure you wake up on time." He nodded and they headed out, grateful for the reprieve.
The women milled around for a moment before settling down at the table or at the counter. As they sat, Cordelia rose to her feet.
"I'm going to check on Angel," she announced, and Buffy sprang to her feet.
"Relax," she told Cordy. "I won't hurt him. But I will be there in case he tries to hurt you."
Cordelia looked at her suspiciously but allowed her to follow.
"Well, if it isn't two of my favorite beauties," Angel cooed as they entered the training room.
Buffy glared, then turned to Cordelia. "He looks fine," she said, and turned on her heel. Cordelia grabbed her arm and held the Slayer.
"Did Wesley feed you?" the ex-cheerleader asked the vampire.
Angel looked up at her. "I could always use a second course, if you're offering, 'Delia."
Cordelia glared at him. "You don't get to call me that."
"Why not? I'm Irish…just like he was."
It took Buffy a moment to realize that they were speaking of that guy…what was his name? Doyle. The one that worked with them…she'd met him once…for about thirty seconds, anyway.
"You're a pig," Cordelia corrected him. She turned to Buffy and jerked a thumb at the queen and her minion. "What about them? Do they eat? I mean…she is human."
Buffy jerked a shoulder. "Whatever we've got around here they're welcome to. Someone should probably run out to get food anyway. Spells usually require us to be fueled up."
"Spells?" Saria asked, having woken up when the girls entered the room. "You mean to go through with it then?"
Everyone ignored her.
"Fine…we'll run out for food," Cordelia told Buffy. "Are you going to go see your dad?"
Buffy shook her head. "We'll save that battle for when I'm feeling a little more like myself. Honestly? I just feel sorry for Dawn having to be with him all day. I mean…she doesn't even know him."
"Well…if you feel sorry for her, then you're feeling something," Cordelia told her, a small smile on her lips.
Saria snorted. "It's not real."
Buffy opened her mouth to speak when Cordelia whirled on the queen and stomped over to her chair. She grabbed the captive by her cheeks and squeezed, lifting her chin up so the queen was forced to look the seer in the eye. "I've had about enough out of you," she growled. "I suggest you shut your mouth, and you shut it now. Because in about five seconds I'm going to be upset. And you're going to be in pain."
The two held eyes for a moment before Cordelia relaxed her grip and pushed the woman's face away. She turned and strode out of the room, leaving Buffy standing alone.
"Buff, Buff, Buff…" Angel crooned. "Letting saucy little Cordelia be the power-hitter in the group now. Not like you at all…of course, not much is recognizable of the little girl who I once held beneath me…"
Buffy ignored him and turned on her heel to exit the room when he began to speak again.
"One night of the flesh and you craved more…enough to send you to the arms of my GrandChilde…enough to make you want the dark side, to let Dracula bite you…to make you desire the hidden demon in you…"
Buffy stopped where she was and didn't turn around, and he smiled to himself when he saw her begin to shake with anger.
"Did he satisfy you, lover? Did he fill that void in you? That void's been there a while, honey…deep down in the pit of you, there's empty…you died…and it didn't get better…you died…and heaven didn't want you. You died…and you were rejected from even a moment's peace…used, just like you're always used, then thrown away again. You think that even if you find a way to get your soul back that you'll be whole again? You weren't whole to begin with. You're a shell. You've always been a shell…weepy little Buffy, always looking for someone else to get the answers for her."
He waited for a reaction, and getting none, continued merrily. "You were a scared little girl when the Soul started trailing after you…you were a scared little girl when you let him take you, have his way with you…and release me. You couldn't kill me, even when you wanted to. I came back. I'll always come back. You can't get away from me. I'll be there, to remind you of your greatest failures, time after time…the Soul…you failed him…not that I mind…Jenny Calendar…
A tear slipped down her cheek but she refused to give him the satisfaction of watching her wipe it from her face. Cordelia breezed past her a moment later, back into the room, and she strode to the queen, securing a gag around Saria's mouth. As Cordelia performed this task, Buffy mustered all her strength and control and exited the training room.
After Cordy had once again left the room, Angelus took a moment to give the queen a satisfied smirk.
*~*~*
The night went slowly but soon it was reaching midnight and the girls began to prepare for the ritual, according to the directions that Giles and Wesley had pieced together. Just after the clock chimed eleven-thirty, the bell over the door rang and everyone looked up to find Dawn walking into the shop.
"What are you doing here?" Buffy asked. "Did dad let you go?"
Dawn grinned, very happy with herself. "You're not the only one who knows how to sneak out of a house you know."
Willow smiled and gave her a hug. "How was the night with your dad?"
Dawn rolled her eyes. "And I thought school was bad. We did the shopping thing, then we ate, and he made me rent some old movies with him." She made a face. "Ugh. Adults making out in color is bad enough. In black and white it's just wrong." She glanced around the shop. "Besides…I wanted to be here when…you know. For the spell."
Tara smiled. "I'm glad you're here."
"Dad went to bed an hour ago, so I just waited for the steady breathing and high-tailed it out of there."
"We're just waiting for the guys to get back, and we're ready to rock," Cordelia informed her.
Dawn nodded and took a seat next to Buffy, squeezing her sister's hand. "You ready for this?"
The Slayer jerked a shoulder, non-committal, and went to answer when the door opened for a second time. Wesley, Gunn and Xander stumbled back into the shop, looking cleaner if not more awake. As it turned out they hadn't slept much, but had instead each taken a long shower and had a good meal to prepare themselves for the night's events.
Wesley and Willow quickly went about setting up for the ritual and Buffy, Gunn, Xander and Tara went to bring Angel into the main room. "Brute strength first, then magic," Buffy warned and Tara nodded, swallowing nervously.
Angel was less than receptive to the idea of being moved to be included in a spell he was completely against, and fought them the entire way, and Tara's magic was quickly put to use, immobilizing the vampire and practically floating him into the main room.
"I'm going to eat you first," Angelus growled at Tara, who shrunk back behind Buffy.
"Stuff it, overbite," Xander warned him.
"So…what's the deal? You guys don't seem to have an Orb of Thessulah around here…oops…guess that's a no go," Angel taunted.
Willow smiled sweetly at him. "The Orbs are so five minutes ago." She threw a mix of herbs into a pot and they burst into flames, causing Angel to jerk back. Smiling to herself she returned to preparing the site.
A moment later Wesley nodded. "We're ready to begin."