By Sorceress Quisty
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Thank you thank you THANK YOU soooooo much for the reviews! I love reviews. They can really brighten my day. So keep reviewing! ^_O (Oh, in case anybody was confused; Quistis the character and Quisty the author are different people. The author could not last three seconds on a show where murder is allowed.) For the record, the only two characters I dislike are Irvine and Seifer. The rest, I like (even Raijin has his moments). Oh and two parting words: Squinoa 4-ever!
Disclaimer: If I didn't own anything back when I was writing Chapter 1, then I probably don't own anything now. Oh, I forgot to say I don't own the two Fushigi Yuugi characters that I make vague references to. Is that good enough?"
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Roommates Recap:
Contestant Deaths: 0
Roommates Staff Deaths: 5
Long Term Relationships Ended: 1
II. Settling In
We find the Roommates contestants in the separate train car used to transport them to the apartment building.
"SQUALL!" shouted Rinoa. "I'm scared!"
"Rinoa, What are you scared of (this time)?" asked Squall.
"I'm really scared…" Rinoa trailed off.
"Rinoa, I can't help you out if you don't tell me what the problem is!" said an annoyed and hungry Squall. Annoyed and hungry basically described everybody at that point, because the Roommates staff had forgotten to feed the contestants.
"I'm really, really scared..." whimpered Rinoa.
"OF WHAT?" the whole train, staff included, shouted.
"TRAINS!" said Rinoa. "Squally-sama, protect me from the scary train!"
"But, Rinoa!" said Selphie. "We were on that train mission together! Why are you scared of trains now?!"
"Well, I almost fell off, and then there was the fake president, and nearly being eaten two days later… And I've been scared of trains from that day on!" said Rinoa. Selphie shrugged and started to sing her train song.
"You're telling me that you're scared of trains, but don't mind flying gardens, spaceships, or the Ragnarok?" Quistis asked, disbelieving.
"Yup." Rinoa responded. "Hey, why are there a security camera and a loudspeaker up on the wall?" Rinoa pointed at the wall.
"While we're asking questions, can somebody tell me why they haven't fed us for TWO WHOLE DAYS?" Zell asked.
"Well, we've had water!" said Quistis. "And I read that you can survive for 29 days without food, as long as you drink plenty of water."
"Twenty… nine days… WITHOUT HOT DOGS?" Zell said, and then fainted.
"Enough already!" came a voice from the loudspeaker. "We have the Roommates Monitoring System™ on the wall so we can, well, monitor you. It would be murder to send a staff member into the contestant car!" Quistis, Rinoa, Squall, Fujin, and Selphie all glared at Irvine, Zell, and Seifer.
"But… but… but… PANTS!" sobbed Irvine.
"Anyway," said the voice, "It's time to learn who your roommates are. We will be sending an intern in there with a list of who is with whom."
"HOLD ON!" Fujin said to the loudspeaker.
"Yeah! You just said you wouldn't send a staff member in there," said Quistis, "But now an intern is coming?"
"Although interns are staff members in the fatality count, they have no insurance," blared the loudspeaker.
"Okay."
"Weapons out."
Seifer, for once, seemed uninterested in killing things (gasp!). He was in the middle of a complicated, deep conversation with… Angelo.
"So, how should I get her to come back?"
Angelo barked.
"I can't make her love me? Of course I can! Now, does anybody remember what kind of bribes the author takes?"
Angelo scratched an ear.
Sorry. I don't take bribes, especially bribes from fictional characters.
"But I'll do anything, just get me with Quistis and Fujin and Selphie and Rinoa!" Seifer pleaded. "I'll even-"
What can I do to shut him up? Okay… I have an idea. A large piece of duct tape suddenly covers Seifer's mouth.
"You're right Angelo!" said Seifer after peeling off the duct tape (Darn). "Making her jealous is a great idea!" Seifer turned in Fujin's direction. "Hey, Fujin! Wanna-"
"EEK! PERVERT! RAGE!" screamed Fujin, temporarily blinding Seifer with the pepper spray. "PEPPER SPRAY. ALMOST EMPTY," said Fujin sadly. "BUT THEN… CAN USE MACE!" Fujin smiled and went back to reading Sailor Moon.
Meanwhile, Zell was preparing his weapons for the arrival of the intern, and making sure everyone else did the same. Quistis took out her Save the Queen to humor him, but the second he turned around she put it back away and took out her journal. She sat down and began to write.
From the Journal of Quistis:
***
Day 1, 6:00 AM- I am not a morning person. I wish I brought my deck of Triple Triad cards with me, instead of lending them to Xu. I hope she doesn't lose too badly. I feel a bit sorry for the intern. Why do more staff members have to die? Who remembers South Park and the whole "Oh, my God, They killed Kenny" thing? Well, if this keeps up, it'll become a cliché, and nobody will remember US either! I don't want to be forgotten! Even though I'm just a minor character, I must save the intern!
***
Everybody except Quistis joined Zell in preparing to kill something. It was easy for the former Garden instructor to slip out of the contestant car, and into the staff car unnoticed. Yes, it was bolted shut by several locks, but with a bit of creativity, her hairpin could be used as a lock pick. Once in the staff car, she looked around. The staff car was covered with sleeping night shift cameramen. Quistis took care not to step on them, or else they would wake up and throw her out of the staff car. Possibly, in that circumstance, she would be escorted back into the contestant car, but more likely, she would be literally thrown onto the tracks behind the train. Finally, she got past the cameramen and into the front of the train.
"Now, intern, go forth and die with honor," said the producer to the intern. He didn't notice that there was a contestant about three feet from him. It was now or never. Quistis grabbed the roommate list from the intern and ran. The producer's eyes widened, and he pressed a button…
"No!" yelled Zell. "Fuu-chan, you can't! Please! For everything that's good, please don't! Do you even care anymore? Don't love and friendship matter to you?"
"HOTDOGS? YOU, HAD 49. ME, ZERO. THIS ONE, MINE. AND… NAME, FUJIN." Fujin argued.
"But it's the last one, Fuu-chan!" The staff had prepared a contestant buffet car after they started to worry that the contestants would resort to eating each other. It started out having 50 hot dogs, but there was only one left now, and Zell and Fujin were battling fiercely for it. Suddenly, an alarm went off, and a recorded message blared over the loudspeaker. Zell turned his head toward the loudspeaker, and Fujin gobbled up the last hot dog with record-setting speed. Hey, it WAS two days since she had last eaten, right before the Roommates staff came and kidnapped her.
"Contestant In the Staff Car! I repeat, homicidal freak, I mean contestant, in the staff car," blared the loudspeaker. Squall looked around, trying to see who wasn't there.
"Where's Quisty?" he finally said.
"Quisty is typing at her computer, controlling our every move and our eventual fate!" said Selphie, as happy as if she was just told that the Disciplinary Committee was now allowed to assign 'Help Selphie with the Garden Festival' as a punishment to anybody who was caught breathing. Suddenly, Quistis burst into the room.
"He meant THAT Quisty," said Rinoa. "Hey, did you find out what's taking the intern so long?"
"INTERN, SAVED. RIGHT?" asked Fujin. Quistis nodded, because she was so out of breath from running from the staff that she couldn't talk.
"Quistis! We could have killed him! Why do you have to be mature and responsible?" whined Zell.
"List. Here," said Quistis, who was still out of breath. "Squall, can you read this? I haven't eaten in two days." She ran over to the fruit salad, which was the only thing that hadn't been eaten.
"…Whatever," said Squall. "I mean, no! Irvine, read the list."
"Okay," said Irvine sadly.
"What's wrong?" Selphie asked him, suddenly not happy (!). "Are you okay?"
"I'm in mourning for my pants," Irvine replied.
"I know who took them," piped in Quistis. Seifer started mouthing the word "don't" at her, but if she saw that, she didn't pay it any attention. "It's-" Quistis was cut off when Seifer grabbed the rooms list and started reading it off.
"Selphie is with… Irvine, in Room 3. Rinoa's in Room 4 with ME! Fujin is in Room 1 with… Zell. What does he have that I don't? Quistis, my beautiful, amazing Quistis, is with Squall, in Room 2. No fair! Well, that's it! Aren't you all happy? So happy you forgot what we were talking about earlier?" Seifer said.
A collective stare. A collective "No!". And a collective throwing of luxury items, buffet plates, and train parts at Seifer.
I think we need to get our staff healer in here…
Once at the apartment building, all of the contestants were thrown off the train, including Seifer, who was still recovering.
"This is the filthiest apartment building I've ever seen…" Selphie murmured.
"How long since somebody lived here?" Quistis asked.
"People could not have lived here." Zell replied.
"Good morning, contestants!" came a chipper, suspiciously familiar voice from the speaker on the moldy wall. "Good morning, son! Sorry producer, was I not supposed to say that? I meant to say that I'm pretending not to- I mean I don't, sorry producer- know any of the contestants on this show, but I wish everyone good luck anyway! I'm supposed to be making a guest appearance on this show, to introduce the first challenge, so I took off from my busy life as the president of -um, I'm not supposed to give that away either? I didn't know that- …a country, to come here and wish Squall -I mean everyone- good luck! Oh, and Ward says "Hi!" At least, that's what I think he means to say… Oh, the challenge? What challenge? The one I'm supposed to be introducing? Okay, your first challenge is to get into your rooms and clean them! Go Squall! I mean, go everybody! I brought Ellone to the broadcast room with me because she wanted to do a little cheer."
"Squall! Squall! He's our man! If he can't do it, nobody can!" cheered Ellone from the loudspeaker.
"Okay, start cleaning! You can get into your rooms using your room boxes!" said La- I mean, the "Mystery Guest". Yes! Thought Seifer. I passed out the room boxes to the wrong people, so Quistis won't be able to get into her room without my help! He opened his room box and sighed. It contained only a lock pick.
In Room 1 (Fujin and Zell):
Fujin found Room 1 with relative ease. She pulled out her lock pick and within seconds, opened the door. A horrid stench escaped. Fortunately, the room had a laundry chute. Unfortunately, the room was heaping with several decades' worth o f grime. Even worse, from behind her came the voice of the person Fujin least wanted to see.
"Yay! I'm with Fuu-chan!" Zell shouted. Fujin sighed. It would be a long stay.
In Room 2 (Squall and Quistis):
Quistis and Squall had a similar experience. Squall arrived first. This room also had a laundry chute, and it was filled with empty food containers that were obvious plants by the Roommates staff. The two SeeDs looked at each other and reluctantly started leaning.
From the Journal of Quistis:
***
Day 1, 12:00 Noon: I'm with Squall! I'm with Squall! I'm with Squall! And I saved the intern! This is really my day, except the part about being on Roommates.
***
In Room 3 (Selphie and Irvine):
"Irvine, stop it and help me clean!" yelled Selphie over the sound of the vacuum cleaner. At the same time, Selphie was dusting the fan, scrubbing the toilet, and trying to help Irvine to get over the loss of his dearly departed pants. The last was most difficult.
"Where's the laundry chute? Did they fall down the laundry chute?" sobbed Irvine. "Pants, oh pants, where art thou?"
"Umm…" stalled Selphie, "we don't really have a laundry chute! I think Quistis knows where the pants are, though!"
"No! No true SeeD would call on an instructor for help! Now get me my pants, Selphie!"
Selphie sighed.
In Room 4 (Rinoa and Seifer):
"But I don't like cleaning," whined Rinoa.
"Well, tough. You have to," said Seifer.
"No!"
"You have to. Clean!"
"But I don't LIKE cleaning."
"Well, I guess you could help me make Quistis jealous…"
"I like cleaning," said Rinoa.
The contestants vacuumed, scrubbed, organized, dusted, acted depressed over a hideous pair of pants, tried to console their roommate who was acting depressed over a hideous pair of pants, cleaned, scared their roommate by being a total pig, and did who knows what for the next eight hours. Finally, the winners were announced.
"None of you have won!" came a voice from the loudspeaker. "Your rooms look like they used to be part of a filthy apartment building!" Everybody fainted.
It's probably a good time to cut to the next morning, when they all wake up. Watching these people sleep is about as "fun" as watching Irvine with no pants.
In Room 4 (Seifer and Rinoa):
"Where am I?" murmured Seifer. "Doesn't anybody think that it's a bit odd how we slept from Sunday night until Monday morning?" Rinoa was grooming Angelo with her own hairbrush. Seifer gagged at this. He now had even more reason to slip something in Angelo's doggy food. "Hey Rinoa!" he shouted.
"What?" she replied, her focus more on Angelo than Seifer.
"Well, I'm having trouble with my girlfriend. She-"
"I know exactly what happened," said Rinoa. "A friend told me about it."
"Will you-" said Seifer, advancing towards the sorceress.
"Absolutely not." Rinoa flipped him over her shoulder, a la Johnny Bravo. "Angelo, I have a new chew toy for you," said Rinoa. "On second thought, if you chew him, you might be poisoned."
Let's see how the contestants are doing at laundry time…
In Room 3 (Selphie and Irvine):
"It's laundry time!" said Selphie. "It's so nice that the decency committee lent you some new pants until we find your old ones!"
"Laundry time? But what's the big deal?" asked Irvine. "We just have to throw it down the chute."
"We! Don't! Have! A! Laundry! Chute!" said Selphie, through gritted teeth. "I'm going to change first, okay?!" said Selphie, pushing Irvine into the bathroom. Selphie wasn't really asking, but Irvine had more important things to worry about, like how he was going to explain to Quistis and Squall why they heard him screaming through the flimsy wall. In case there was any doubt about it, Irvine is a total wimp and can be intimidated by somebody like Selphie. Fortunately, Squall and Quistis were not in their room, so he was safe. In a few minutes, Selphie opened up the door and noticed that Irvine was looking in the other direction.
"What's wrong, Irvine?!" Selphie asked. "Not your pants again, I hope!" Irvine's instinct was to turn away, but even though he didn't want to see Selphie without clothing, he had the discipline of Zell around "Fuu-chan". His head turned towards Selphie. But fortunately, Selphie was NOT naked. Irvine stared.
"You've never been to a toga party before?" asked Selphie. Selphie had evidently been on a creative burst, because she had remembered last year's Trabia Garden toga party, and decided to use a strategically wrapped sheet when actual clothing was forbidden.
"I'm going to tie my sheet now," said Irvine, and pushed Selphie (well, Selphie was headed in that direction anyway) into the restroom.
After 20 minutes, Irvine realized he had never been to Trabia Garden or their weird parties, and that as a result he didn't know how to tie a toga. When Selphie came out of the bathroom, Irvine's sheet chose that moment to fall off.
"Great Hyne…" murmured Selphie, and then she fainted.
In Room 2 (Squall and Quistis):
When Quistis and Squall came back to Room 2, two things had changed. First, Irvine had dumped his laundry and his unconscious roommate in their room. Second, a certain SOMEONE had ordered long stemmed roses delivered to Room 2.
"Okay," said Squall. "Exactly WHY is Selphie on our floor?"
"What are we going to do about her?" Quistis asked.
"You can check for breathing," said Squall.
"I won't!"
"You will!"
"I won't!"
"You will!"
"I won't!"
"You won't!"
"I will!" yelled Quistis, immediately realizing her mistake. Fortunately, Selphie had woken up during the debate, and was halfway to the laundry room by now. "Okay, problem solved."
"The flowers are still here, remember?" said Squall. That was a good point. Quistis picked them up and read the message on the tag.
"To my one and only: I realize I've mistreated you, but we were meant to be. Love… (Here Quistis paused for dramatic effect) … Seifer. Squall, you have a… a… a FANBOY!"
"Just what I needed," grumbled Squall. He opened the window and threw the flowers out.
From the Journal of Quistis:
***
Day 2, 5:00 PM: I feel really bad for Selphie. Maybe I should tell Fujin and Rinoa. Fujin will probably compare the situation to some shojo manga, but Rinoa will make Selphie feel better.
***
In Room 1 (Fujin and Zell):
"SELPHIE UNLUCKY," said Fujin. She paused to find the right anime comparison. "It's kinda like Soi and Nakago."
"Come on, Fuu-chan, I gotta get changed!" said Zell.
"BUT… TENCHI MUYO!" protested Fujin. Zell went into the bathroom and proceeded to get changed. Nothing was too good for his Fuu-chan.
The next day…
The contestants woke up in Dollet Communication Tower. They didn't know why they were there, but they couldn't ask, because they were gagged.
"Okay, this is a race to the top!" blared the loudspeaker. "On your mark, get set, GO!" the contestants found that they were also tied up, so they couldn't move quickly. This "race" would be extremely hard to cover, so…
6 hour later…
Seifer did it! He crawled his way to the top the quickest! But what he didn't know was that there was a plane flying overhead…
In the plane:
"Ultimecia, you just have to learn to drop a load, and you will have passed your pilot test!" said Ultimecia's supervisor. It was a hard switch for Ultimecia to go from villain to working woman, but she did it with ease. Ultimecia pressed the drop button, and a piano fell out of the cargo hold and toward Dollet tower. Later she passed the test with flying (pun unintended) colors, although the Dollet government sued her school for property damage.
On the tower:
A large piano came down toward Seifer. He didn't see it, because he was too busy doing his happy dance to notice anything. It pushed him off the edge and he died on impact, although we have to Phoenix Down him because the rules say he must stay for the whole show.
How will Seifer and Rinoa be punished?
Can poor Zell take much more from his anime-obsessed crush?
Will Seifer stoop any lower?
Will Sorceress Quisty stoop any lower?
And what will happen on…
Roommates?
Find out next time, on Part III…
Ai No Fuu-Chan
(Fuu-Chan of Love)