If I owned Harry Potter, I would be rich by now, and not posting my stories
at Fanfiction. Net. So obviously, I did not create these characters. I just
make light of their foibles. Any claims otherwise will result in Avery
getting a severe beating. Now read.
The Death Eaters Last Meeting: Of Mice and Morons
There comes a time in every rat's life when he has to make a decision between his dear, caring, supportive friends of youth who would do anything for him......... and a secret cult of murderous, backstabbing, evil fiends. Wormtail...for reasons of his own, chose the latter. But first he had to gain their trust, and since he didn't have the money for a fruit basket, he instead decided to betray the whereabouts of his close friends, the Potters. With a little help from Avery, he gained the location of their not so secretive meeting place behind the local highschool, where no one asked questions. He hoped to join their ranks tonight. Drawing closer to the football field, figures danced against the backdrop of an eerily flickering bonfire. Their movements matched the chanting drifting ominously outwards into the black of midnight. Wormtail concluded that a powerful magic spell was in process, and crept towards the light to listen to the ancient, mystic words.
Death Eaters: Dance your cares away! Worries for another day! Let the music play! Down in Fraggle Rock!
Wormtail: . . .
Avery: Oh NO!!! A GORG!!!!
Macnair: ( pulling wings off a butterfly) Don't be daft. It's just Pettigrew from school.
Avery: Oh..my mistake.
Wormtail: Am I in the wrong place?
Avery: (looks shifty) Where are you suppose to be?
Wormtail: Avery! I told you I was coming!!!
Avery: Oh yah..
Richard Lestrange: Oh look! Avery has brought us a muggle to torture.
Wormtail: I am NOT a muggle!
Sally Lestrange: Squib then. Squibs are good.
Snape: (Dressed in a trenchcoat and hat, armed with a camera and tape recorder) Why is Pettigrew here? I hate him. He is a Potter pal..and I hate Potter.
All: Shut up Snape!
Snape: (grumbles)
Avery: I invited him here to meet our Lord.
Crabbe: You do realize Voldemort will punish you for bringing him here without asking?
Avery: (beams) Oh I should hope so! I've done wrong.
All: . . .
Macnair: Anyway.....where is Lucius?
Snape: He said he would be late.
R. Lestrange: Maybe he is picking up some muggles. He is so good at that.
Snape: (holds out tape recorder) could you say that a little louder?
Goyle: Shhh.....Nott has something to say!
All: (wait)
Nott: . . . . .
S. Lestrange: So true, punctuality is the mark of a gentleman.
All: Agreed.
Wormtail: (eyes Death Eaters) Umm.... did I miss something?
Macnair: Quiet you. ( Footsteps echo across the distance, and Lucius walks up)
Lucius: Greetings fellow Death Eaters and small round man I do not know.
Wormtail: What do you mean? We went to school together. I'm Peter Pettigrew.
Lucius: (stares blankly) ...... Anyway.... is our Lord here yet?
Crabbe: That cloud sort of looks like our Lord.
Goyle: Is our Lord a cloud?
Crabbe: Maybe
Other D. E.: (stare with raised eyebrows)
Nott: . . . . .
Lucius: Agreed Nott. Something wicked this way comes.
R. Lestrange: Is it the Lord?
Snape: Who else would it be? (Voldemort appears in a puff of smoke and quickly puts out the fire on the edge of his robes)
Voldemort: Bwah!
Avery: Punish me oh Lord! I have brought a stranger into our midst!
Karkaroff: Aw nuts! I was going to tell him that!
Avery: It's too late!
Wormtail: Oh Great and powerful Lord! I have brought valuable information regarding-
Voldemort: Silence! You're not in the minutes!
Wormtail: (whimpers)
Voldemort: Lucius, if you would kindly read the minutes from our last meeting.
Lucius: As you command, Lord. ( takes off his cloak to sit down at the table, revealing a baby Draco in a sling around his chest) Last meeting we began-
Macnair: Good Lord Lucius! Did you bring your son to the meeting?
Snape: No Macnair. He just likes the smell of a baby around his neck. Of course it is his child you nitwit! Die Potter!
Voldemort: (looking pleased) Excellent job Lucius! I said I wanted younger members.
Karkaroff: Isn't that a bit extreme?
Lucius: Nonsense. A child already is influenced by it's environment at a very young age. Studies show that the first five years of a child's life are in fact the most important lear-
Nott: (screams) GGGGWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Wormtail: What the hell was that?!!!
R. Lestrange: Oh that was just Nott.
Wormtail: I know it was Nott! But why did he do that?!!
Lucius: He just wants attention. ( Draco begins to cry) See what you've done Pettigrew. You woke him up.
Wormtail: I woke him up?!! I think it was the scream.
S. Lestrange: ( Eyes crying child) What a deliciously awful noise. Richard, we should get one.
R. Lestrange: We can pick one up later tonight my love.
Lucius: Anyway..before I was so rudely interrupted by Pettigrew, I was going to say that Macnair has asked for the floor first tonight.
Macnair: Thank you Lucius. I have been keeping a record of our last few meetings and have come to realize that I have not yet been paid for my services as a Death Eater. I would like to be paid now.
Voldemort: Um......well......how many times do I have to tell you that the cheque is in the mail! Oh...by the way..I have to collect your dues now.
Crabbe: Something about that just doesn't make sense.
Snape: Oh..what would you know. You're an idiot.
Lucius: Yes Goyle, don't mess with the system.
Crabbe: I'm Crabbe! He's Goyle!( Points to Goyle chasing a bat in circles)
Goyle: Ehehehehehehehehehehe!!
Voldemort: Quiet Goyle. What is the next order of business, Lucius?
Lucius: Karkaroff is to inform us of current events in the wizarding world.
Voldemort: Ah..proceed then.
Karkaroff: Thank you Lord. I heard that Cornelius Fudge eats an entire birthday cake every week, without sharing.
S. Lestrange: And it's not even his birthday? And he calls US evil?!
Karkaroff: And popular opinion is that Arthur Weasley is a tool.
Snape: That's not popular opinion. That's Lucius' opinion.
Lucius: Well I am popular, aren't I?
Snape: (mutters) God only knows why.....
Karkaroff: (leans closer to Voldemort and whispers secretively into his ear) Also, I hear that He Who Must Not Be Named has a stuffed octopus called Inky that he hides under his cloak for support.
Voldemort: (face starts twitching) Where did you get a ridiculous story like that?
Karkaroff: Avery told me! He said he saw you feeding it a popsicle at the last Death Eater Family Picnic!
Avery: I am so sorry! I never should of told your horrible, embarrassing secret to Karkaroff, the biggest blabber mouth to ever join our ranks. I was wrong! Punish me, oh Lord and Master!!!!
Voldemort: No...I am beginning to think you enjoy it too much. I think I shall punish you by NOT punishing you.
Avery: (starts bawling) B-but Lord!!!!!
R. Lestrange: Don't worry, my dear friend. You can have my punishments.
Macnair: Mine too.
Avery: You are all such wonderful friends!
S. Lestrange: We try.
Lucius: Karkaroff, do you have anything of relevance to say?
Karkaroff: Um, well...I heard that Crouch's son, Barty, is being a pain in the ass.
Lucius: Good, I hate Crouch.
R. Lestrange: Hmm....that name seems familiar... S. Lestrange: I don't see why it wou- Oh...OH!!!! Lucius! Did my darling Richie put us down for anything in the minutes?
Lucius: (scans papers) As a matter of fact, he did Sally. You asked for time to introduce a new member.
R Lestrange: I see! That explains the strange young man sitting next to me. Everyone...this is Barty Crouch. He would like to join us.
Wormtail: Speaking of joining. I'd like to join.
Macnair: What part of "Wait for your turn" don't you understand?
Voldemort: Don't make me punish Avery. Now why do you wish to join us, young Bartholomew?
Barty: 'Cause my dad treats me like a kid. He wouldn't even let me hold a party at the Ministry. So listen up, old dude. I thought I would join a cult to like, show my old man how totally independent I can be.
Snape: And that wonderful grasp of language is why we shouldn't allow teenagers to join our secret society.
Draco: ::burble burble:: DA!
Snape: See, he agrees with me.
Voldemort: Nonsense, Severus. I find his youthful banter invigorating. Now, Barty, before you join our ranks, the Lestranges will first lead you through a test of your loyalty. Have the Longbotttoms been set up Macnair?
Macnair: Of course, Tom.
Voldemort: Don't call me that! Anyway, Sally and Richard will show you how to perform the Cruciatus curse, which you can then use on the Longbottoms during our next meeting. Do you understand?
Barty: Yes Lord.
Snape: (leans in close clutching a large microphone, which he tries to conceal under his sleeves) So what is it your going to do?
Barty: I, Barty Crouch, will willingly assist in the torture of the Longbottoms to prove my loyalty to those ass-kicking Death Eaters and rebel against my controlling father.
S. Lesatrange: What an odd thing to say.
Avery: I did like that Ass-kicking part though!
Voldemort: Yes, well. Is there anything left in the minutes, Lucius?
Lucius: No my Lord.
Voldemort: Then I guess another meeting of the Death Eaters has ended.
Wormtail: But you haven't listened to what I have to say yet! I have been waiting patiently for a chance to speak!
Lucius: Patiently? As far as I recall, you were constantly interrupting, and generally being a nuisance.
Voldemort: (looks at his Inky the Octopus wristwatch) Now now...I am a fair man...I will give you fifteen seconds to convince me not to destroy you.
Wormtail: But-
Voldemort: Thirteen seconds.
Wormtail: (takes a big breath) SiriusBlackmademethePotter'ssecretkeeperandnowIknowwheretheyareandIwilltelly ouifyouallowmetojoinyourside-
Voldemort: Wait, wait! What was that about the Potters?
Nott: ....
Lucius: Did you say he's their secret keeper, Nott?
Snape: Impossible. Why would they choose you? James would have to be pretty stupid to trust someone like...oh yes, I forgot. James IS stupid.
Voldemort: Snape, please keep you deep seated mental issues to yourself for the moment. Peter Pettigrew...I believe we have much to discuss. ( leads Wormtail off)
Snape: I also must leave. (Gets up only to be tugged back. Draco has hold of a mangled cassette leading inside Snape's coat)
Draco: ::gurgle gurgle:: Wheeee!!
Snape: Umm.......
Avery: Snape, what is that young Malfoy is chewing on?
Snape: Ummm........ahhhh....it is a......let's see....perhaps....maybe....a pace....maker? Yes!!! A pacemaker!
Lucius: Pacemaker? You are only twenty-one.
Snape: Well....potions can be hard on the heart.
Avery: That makes sense to me!
Macnair: You really have to get our more, Snape.
Snape: Yes, well....I will see you next week. (Wanders off scowling at ruined tape)
Lucius: I have to get Draco back too. I told Narcissa I would have him home by ten.
Karkaroff: Lucius...it's one in the morning.
Lucius: No it's no- (looks at watch) Why, so it is. Oh god....My wife is going to beat me! Again! (Apparates away)
Avery: Hey!!! They didn't sing the closing song!!! Well! We will just have to do it without them, won't we guys? Guys? (Everyone is gone) Fine!!! I'll just do it my self then...
Is this the real life Is this just fantasy (Starts to shuffle and sway) Caught in a landslide No escape from reality (fades away into the night)
And thus, the final meeting of the Death Eaters ended, thanks to that nasty Harry Potter. However, the Death Eater fun does not have to end. Stay tuned for future stories, featuring "The Death Eater Career Day", "Lucius' Hot Pink My Little Pony of Doom" and " The Return of Inky the Octopus".
By the way Bohemian Rhapsody and the Fraggle rock theme do not belong to me.
The Death Eaters Last Meeting: Of Mice and Morons
There comes a time in every rat's life when he has to make a decision between his dear, caring, supportive friends of youth who would do anything for him......... and a secret cult of murderous, backstabbing, evil fiends. Wormtail...for reasons of his own, chose the latter. But first he had to gain their trust, and since he didn't have the money for a fruit basket, he instead decided to betray the whereabouts of his close friends, the Potters. With a little help from Avery, he gained the location of their not so secretive meeting place behind the local highschool, where no one asked questions. He hoped to join their ranks tonight. Drawing closer to the football field, figures danced against the backdrop of an eerily flickering bonfire. Their movements matched the chanting drifting ominously outwards into the black of midnight. Wormtail concluded that a powerful magic spell was in process, and crept towards the light to listen to the ancient, mystic words.
Death Eaters: Dance your cares away! Worries for another day! Let the music play! Down in Fraggle Rock!
Wormtail: . . .
Avery: Oh NO!!! A GORG!!!!
Macnair: ( pulling wings off a butterfly) Don't be daft. It's just Pettigrew from school.
Avery: Oh..my mistake.
Wormtail: Am I in the wrong place?
Avery: (looks shifty) Where are you suppose to be?
Wormtail: Avery! I told you I was coming!!!
Avery: Oh yah..
Richard Lestrange: Oh look! Avery has brought us a muggle to torture.
Wormtail: I am NOT a muggle!
Sally Lestrange: Squib then. Squibs are good.
Snape: (Dressed in a trenchcoat and hat, armed with a camera and tape recorder) Why is Pettigrew here? I hate him. He is a Potter pal..and I hate Potter.
All: Shut up Snape!
Snape: (grumbles)
Avery: I invited him here to meet our Lord.
Crabbe: You do realize Voldemort will punish you for bringing him here without asking?
Avery: (beams) Oh I should hope so! I've done wrong.
All: . . .
Macnair: Anyway.....where is Lucius?
Snape: He said he would be late.
R. Lestrange: Maybe he is picking up some muggles. He is so good at that.
Snape: (holds out tape recorder) could you say that a little louder?
Goyle: Shhh.....Nott has something to say!
All: (wait)
Nott: . . . . .
S. Lestrange: So true, punctuality is the mark of a gentleman.
All: Agreed.
Wormtail: (eyes Death Eaters) Umm.... did I miss something?
Macnair: Quiet you. ( Footsteps echo across the distance, and Lucius walks up)
Lucius: Greetings fellow Death Eaters and small round man I do not know.
Wormtail: What do you mean? We went to school together. I'm Peter Pettigrew.
Lucius: (stares blankly) ...... Anyway.... is our Lord here yet?
Crabbe: That cloud sort of looks like our Lord.
Goyle: Is our Lord a cloud?
Crabbe: Maybe
Other D. E.: (stare with raised eyebrows)
Nott: . . . . .
Lucius: Agreed Nott. Something wicked this way comes.
R. Lestrange: Is it the Lord?
Snape: Who else would it be? (Voldemort appears in a puff of smoke and quickly puts out the fire on the edge of his robes)
Voldemort: Bwah!
Avery: Punish me oh Lord! I have brought a stranger into our midst!
Karkaroff: Aw nuts! I was going to tell him that!
Avery: It's too late!
Wormtail: Oh Great and powerful Lord! I have brought valuable information regarding-
Voldemort: Silence! You're not in the minutes!
Wormtail: (whimpers)
Voldemort: Lucius, if you would kindly read the minutes from our last meeting.
Lucius: As you command, Lord. ( takes off his cloak to sit down at the table, revealing a baby Draco in a sling around his chest) Last meeting we began-
Macnair: Good Lord Lucius! Did you bring your son to the meeting?
Snape: No Macnair. He just likes the smell of a baby around his neck. Of course it is his child you nitwit! Die Potter!
Voldemort: (looking pleased) Excellent job Lucius! I said I wanted younger members.
Karkaroff: Isn't that a bit extreme?
Lucius: Nonsense. A child already is influenced by it's environment at a very young age. Studies show that the first five years of a child's life are in fact the most important lear-
Nott: (screams) GGGGWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Wormtail: What the hell was that?!!!
R. Lestrange: Oh that was just Nott.
Wormtail: I know it was Nott! But why did he do that?!!
Lucius: He just wants attention. ( Draco begins to cry) See what you've done Pettigrew. You woke him up.
Wormtail: I woke him up?!! I think it was the scream.
S. Lestrange: ( Eyes crying child) What a deliciously awful noise. Richard, we should get one.
R. Lestrange: We can pick one up later tonight my love.
Lucius: Anyway..before I was so rudely interrupted by Pettigrew, I was going to say that Macnair has asked for the floor first tonight.
Macnair: Thank you Lucius. I have been keeping a record of our last few meetings and have come to realize that I have not yet been paid for my services as a Death Eater. I would like to be paid now.
Voldemort: Um......well......how many times do I have to tell you that the cheque is in the mail! Oh...by the way..I have to collect your dues now.
Crabbe: Something about that just doesn't make sense.
Snape: Oh..what would you know. You're an idiot.
Lucius: Yes Goyle, don't mess with the system.
Crabbe: I'm Crabbe! He's Goyle!( Points to Goyle chasing a bat in circles)
Goyle: Ehehehehehehehehehehe!!
Voldemort: Quiet Goyle. What is the next order of business, Lucius?
Lucius: Karkaroff is to inform us of current events in the wizarding world.
Voldemort: Ah..proceed then.
Karkaroff: Thank you Lord. I heard that Cornelius Fudge eats an entire birthday cake every week, without sharing.
S. Lestrange: And it's not even his birthday? And he calls US evil?!
Karkaroff: And popular opinion is that Arthur Weasley is a tool.
Snape: That's not popular opinion. That's Lucius' opinion.
Lucius: Well I am popular, aren't I?
Snape: (mutters) God only knows why.....
Karkaroff: (leans closer to Voldemort and whispers secretively into his ear) Also, I hear that He Who Must Not Be Named has a stuffed octopus called Inky that he hides under his cloak for support.
Voldemort: (face starts twitching) Where did you get a ridiculous story like that?
Karkaroff: Avery told me! He said he saw you feeding it a popsicle at the last Death Eater Family Picnic!
Avery: I am so sorry! I never should of told your horrible, embarrassing secret to Karkaroff, the biggest blabber mouth to ever join our ranks. I was wrong! Punish me, oh Lord and Master!!!!
Voldemort: No...I am beginning to think you enjoy it too much. I think I shall punish you by NOT punishing you.
Avery: (starts bawling) B-but Lord!!!!!
R. Lestrange: Don't worry, my dear friend. You can have my punishments.
Macnair: Mine too.
Avery: You are all such wonderful friends!
S. Lestrange: We try.
Lucius: Karkaroff, do you have anything of relevance to say?
Karkaroff: Um, well...I heard that Crouch's son, Barty, is being a pain in the ass.
Lucius: Good, I hate Crouch.
R. Lestrange: Hmm....that name seems familiar... S. Lestrange: I don't see why it wou- Oh...OH!!!! Lucius! Did my darling Richie put us down for anything in the minutes?
Lucius: (scans papers) As a matter of fact, he did Sally. You asked for time to introduce a new member.
R Lestrange: I see! That explains the strange young man sitting next to me. Everyone...this is Barty Crouch. He would like to join us.
Wormtail: Speaking of joining. I'd like to join.
Macnair: What part of "Wait for your turn" don't you understand?
Voldemort: Don't make me punish Avery. Now why do you wish to join us, young Bartholomew?
Barty: 'Cause my dad treats me like a kid. He wouldn't even let me hold a party at the Ministry. So listen up, old dude. I thought I would join a cult to like, show my old man how totally independent I can be.
Snape: And that wonderful grasp of language is why we shouldn't allow teenagers to join our secret society.
Draco: ::burble burble:: DA!
Snape: See, he agrees with me.
Voldemort: Nonsense, Severus. I find his youthful banter invigorating. Now, Barty, before you join our ranks, the Lestranges will first lead you through a test of your loyalty. Have the Longbotttoms been set up Macnair?
Macnair: Of course, Tom.
Voldemort: Don't call me that! Anyway, Sally and Richard will show you how to perform the Cruciatus curse, which you can then use on the Longbottoms during our next meeting. Do you understand?
Barty: Yes Lord.
Snape: (leans in close clutching a large microphone, which he tries to conceal under his sleeves) So what is it your going to do?
Barty: I, Barty Crouch, will willingly assist in the torture of the Longbottoms to prove my loyalty to those ass-kicking Death Eaters and rebel against my controlling father.
S. Lesatrange: What an odd thing to say.
Avery: I did like that Ass-kicking part though!
Voldemort: Yes, well. Is there anything left in the minutes, Lucius?
Lucius: No my Lord.
Voldemort: Then I guess another meeting of the Death Eaters has ended.
Wormtail: But you haven't listened to what I have to say yet! I have been waiting patiently for a chance to speak!
Lucius: Patiently? As far as I recall, you were constantly interrupting, and generally being a nuisance.
Voldemort: (looks at his Inky the Octopus wristwatch) Now now...I am a fair man...I will give you fifteen seconds to convince me not to destroy you.
Wormtail: But-
Voldemort: Thirteen seconds.
Wormtail: (takes a big breath) SiriusBlackmademethePotter'ssecretkeeperandnowIknowwheretheyareandIwilltelly ouifyouallowmetojoinyourside-
Voldemort: Wait, wait! What was that about the Potters?
Nott: ....
Lucius: Did you say he's their secret keeper, Nott?
Snape: Impossible. Why would they choose you? James would have to be pretty stupid to trust someone like...oh yes, I forgot. James IS stupid.
Voldemort: Snape, please keep you deep seated mental issues to yourself for the moment. Peter Pettigrew...I believe we have much to discuss. ( leads Wormtail off)
Snape: I also must leave. (Gets up only to be tugged back. Draco has hold of a mangled cassette leading inside Snape's coat)
Draco: ::gurgle gurgle:: Wheeee!!
Snape: Umm.......
Avery: Snape, what is that young Malfoy is chewing on?
Snape: Ummm........ahhhh....it is a......let's see....perhaps....maybe....a pace....maker? Yes!!! A pacemaker!
Lucius: Pacemaker? You are only twenty-one.
Snape: Well....potions can be hard on the heart.
Avery: That makes sense to me!
Macnair: You really have to get our more, Snape.
Snape: Yes, well....I will see you next week. (Wanders off scowling at ruined tape)
Lucius: I have to get Draco back too. I told Narcissa I would have him home by ten.
Karkaroff: Lucius...it's one in the morning.
Lucius: No it's no- (looks at watch) Why, so it is. Oh god....My wife is going to beat me! Again! (Apparates away)
Avery: Hey!!! They didn't sing the closing song!!! Well! We will just have to do it without them, won't we guys? Guys? (Everyone is gone) Fine!!! I'll just do it my self then...
Is this the real life Is this just fantasy (Starts to shuffle and sway) Caught in a landslide No escape from reality (fades away into the night)
And thus, the final meeting of the Death Eaters ended, thanks to that nasty Harry Potter. However, the Death Eater fun does not have to end. Stay tuned for future stories, featuring "The Death Eater Career Day", "Lucius' Hot Pink My Little Pony of Doom" and " The Return of Inky the Octopus".
By the way Bohemian Rhapsody and the Fraggle rock theme do not belong to me.