Two:
Jason leaned against the edge of his desk, arms folded across his chest. He watched as his best friend prowled about his bedroom like a caged tiger. The former Ranger had lost track of how many times Tommy had run his hand under his long locks --a nervous habit indicating extreme agitation. Then there was the fact that Tommy had handed him his communicator almost as soon as they had entered the room. What could be so bad that Tommy was afraid he might bolt and teleport out?
"Tommy, talk to me," Jason said when he could no longer stand the silence.
"I want to, Jase... in a lot of ways, I think I have to; it's just so hard," Tommy began, his tone laced with agitation, strain and weariness. "I've kept this inside for so long that I don't know where to begin."
"Just take your time," the ex-Gold Ranger advised. "All I want to do is help."
"I know," came the tired sigh. "I think the only reason I'm going through with this is that part of me hopes that you'll be able to help me straighten things out with Kimberly."
"Trust me; I'd like nothing better than to fix this mess of yours. I just don't get it. While Kim and I were Divatox's prisoners, she told me that she still loved you, but she acted as if you never gave a damn about her. And yet, here you are, so desperate to work things out that you've all but forgotten you're dating Kat."
In his excitement, Tommy let the last part of Jason's statement pass. "She still loves me? Really?"
"Yes. She told me she'd never stopped...."
"What else did she say?"
"Apparently, not as much as she should have," Jason remarked with wry amusement at the eagerness in Tommy's voice. His whole demeanor was very much like that of the love-struck teenager Jason recalled from not-so-long ago.
"It all started with some mindless chit-chat to pass the time," Jason began. "When I called her to tell her about the tournament, we both had been in a hurry, so we promised to catch up on things later. That turned out to be in Divatox's submarine. After we'd talked a while, it was as if we'd run out of safe things to say, so I got up the nerve to ask her about the letter."
Jason's mind drifted back to the damp, desolate confines of the space pirate's bilge. They had been taking a break from their efforts to find a means of escape. They sat on the wet floor; Kimberly, her arms resting across her knees, simply stared off into the far shadowy corners.
"I know it's none of my business, Kim, but what happened between you and Tommy? Why the letter splitting up with him? Did you really find someone else?" he asked. He had always wanted to hear her side of the story, because what Tommy had told him just hadn't made sense. "After Tommy got your letter, he called me.... God, Kim, I'd never heard him sound so broken up, not even the first time he'd lost his Green Ranger Powers."
His words elicited no response from his companion, but he noticed that she had leaned back against the bulkhead, her eyes closed. Her expression was pained. His heart went out to her. He hadn't meant to open old wounds; he merely wanted to understand what had gone wrong between two of his oldest friends.
"When he teleported to my dorm room a few hours after his call, the poor guy was on the verge of tears," he pressed on. Jason could not remember ever seeing Tommy cry.
"H-he went to see you?" Kim gasped, acting as if visiting him was the most outrageous thing Tommy could have done.
"Yeah, he teleported right in. Good thing I had a single," he replied. "He hadn't even cleared it with Zordon. Man, I bet he had a mess of explaining to do when he got home."
Jason noticed that Kimberly's shoulders were shaking, and he thought she was laughing silently. However, in the dim light he glimpsed tears trickling down her cheeks. Concerned, he put his arms around her trembling shoulders.
"Tell me what's going on," he urged in his best 'big brother' voice.
She leaned into him, sobbing. "I never meant to hurt him, Jase; I still love him...."
He waited patiently for the emotional storm to subside.
"There was never another guy... although I hope I'll find someone someday who can make me forget him. I had to let Tommy go. I couldn't keep on pretending... it just hurt too much. He doesn't need me like he used to; there's no reason for him to hide...."
"We didn't get to finish the conversation because Divatox's flunkies came to collect our wetsuits. With everything that happened after that, I'd just sort of forgot about it," Jason concluded. "But at the time, I remembered thinking that Kim's words didn't make any sense. What did she mean she couldn't keep pretending? About what? You two were as tight as any couple I'd ever seen! You didn't need her? What could you possibly have to hide?"
Tommy shook his head in amazement, his heart swelling with a flicker of hope and happiness. To know that Kim still cared... in spite of everything....
"What is it?" Jason asked, noting his hopeful expression.
"I can't believe that after everything I put her through, she didn't tell you."
"You should know better than that, Tommy," Jason admonished. "If you asked Kim not to tell me something, she wouldn't."
"I would have understood it, though," Tommy went on, heedless of his best friend's words. He was still marveling at everything Jason had just told him. "I really hurt her, Jase; she'd have been justified in getting me back."
"She's not a spiteful person, and besides, regardless of whatever it is you did to her, she still loves you. Now, are you going to stop beating around the bush and tell me what this is all about, or do I have to force it out of you?" he demanded, wiggling his fingers menacingly. Both were all too aware of how ticklish the Red Ranger was. He could resist being pounded to a pulp, but he had no defense against being tickled.
However, when Tommy opened his mouth to spill his guts, the words wouldn't come out. He couldn't make them. He was gripped by this notion that if he never actually came out and admitted what he knew, that would somehow make it less true.
I thought I'd made my peace with this a long time ago! Obviously, he still had some unresolved issues. Yet, he had to tell Jason. It was the only way....
"I'm...." he floundered, then threw up his hands in exasperation and stomped over to the window. He rested his head against the pane and slammed his fist down in frustration on the sill.
"Take it easy, Tommy," Jason said soothingly, abandoning his post by the desk and joining his troubled companion by the window. He laid a supporting hand on Tommy's shoulder. "You know you can tell me anything."
"Even that I have a thing for other guys?" Tommy forced the euphemism out before his throat had a chance to close up again. He couldn't make himself look at Jason, so he closed his eyes and braced himself to have his worst fear come to life.
What the hell did Tommy mean he had a thing for other guys? Jason wondered, thoroughly puzzled. As he tried to make sense of his friend's announcement, he noticed how taut Tommy's body was and felt the tremors shuddering through him. It was as if his distraught comrade was tensed to absorb a blow.A thing for guys... thing... that's where the emphasis had been. What sort of thing did he mean? Then, a notion took hold. No way! It was ridiculous. Jason shook his head in amusement and denial. There was no way Tommy was.... "Are you trying to tell me you're gay?"
Tommy heard the disbelief and laughter in Jason's voice. The former Gold Ranger was not taking this seriously! Okay, he had to admit that it probably sounded pretty farfetched, considering his relationship with Kimberly, but Jason had to believe him! The Red Ranger swallowed hard and steeled himself to turn around, to face Jason and meet his eyes.
"Not gay. Bisexual," Tommy said softly, his voice scarcely above a whisper, but the words were crystal clear. He held his best friend's gaze, willing him to accept the truth. At that moment, he would have given anything to be able to let his closest companion read everything that was in his heart and soul.
Jason gaped at Tommy. His teammate's face was pale, but his gaze was steady... open... his expression was serious.
Bisexual. That meant he was attracted to both women and men. But how...? When...? There had never been any indication that Tommy had been interested in other guys that he had ever picked up on. Surely he'd have noticed something; after all, the two of them shared things with each other that they'd never told another living soul. And what about Kimberly? Jason would have bet any amount of money that Tommy only had eyes for her.
Tommy watched as Jason struggled to digest his words and find something to say. He observed the parade of emotions play across his burly sparring partner's face. He read plenty of surprise and confusion, but there was none of the anger or revulsion he had so feared.
I guess Kimberly was right about that.
"You're serious," Jason finally muttered, trying to get a grip on his whirling thoughts. He didn't want Tommy to misinterpret his reaction. He remembered how difficult and painful it had been for his cousin Eric when he had come out to the family; his aunt and uncle hadn't taken that well at all. "I'm sorry, Tommy... I don't mean to.... I had no idea.... It's just that I thought I knew you, bro, and now...."
That's what was behind the former Ranger's shock; it wasn't the fact that Tommy was attracted to guys, it was that his best friend had kept something like this from him. As close as they had been, such an exclusion hurt.
"I'm sorry, too, man," Tommy said. "Do you think it was easy keeping this from you? I just didn't want anyone else to know. I was afraid...."
"Of what? That I wouldn't understand? That I wouldn't be able to accept that my best friend was gay --or whatever? Your sexual preference doesn't change the person you are inside. I thought you knew me better than that!"
"I know it now, but back when I first had to deal with all of this, I was real confused. I didn't know you very well, but I did know that I didn't want anything to take your friendship away from me. And after things were more solid between us, I had thought about telling you --a couple of times-- it was just too easy to ignore it and keep on pretending than to take the risk."
"You're not going to lose my friendship over this," Jason assured him. "Hey, Zedd and Rita couldn't even destroy our bond with all their spells!"
"Thanks, Jase," Tommy sighed, smiling with gratitude, his eyes shining with a suspicious liquid glimmer. "That means a lot to me; I'm going to need your support now more than ever."
"You got it, bro." And he offered Tommy a heartfelt hug. "So, how'd your parents take it when you told them?" Jason couldn't imagine Mr. and Mrs. Oliver being anything but totally behind their son. They were the most laid-back, understanding parents he knew. Nothing seemed to faze them.
"They don't know," Tommy confessed shamefacedly.
"You haven't told them?" Jason gasped, astounded. Tommy rarely kept things from his parents; if he could have, he would have told them about being a Ranger.
"I've only ever told one person before today," was the quiet reply, and Jason's eyes lit up with dawning comprehension.
"Kimberly."
"Uh huh."
"Ohhh boy! Maybe you'd better go back to the beginning of this whole mess," Jason advised.
"Better have a seat, bro; this may take a while."
Jason flopped down on his bed, and Tommy pulled out the desk chair, sitting on it reversed so he could rest his arms across the back. He took a moment to gather his thoughts.
"For the longest time, I didn't know what was up with me," he began at last. "It was like I kept getting my signals crossed. About the time I really started noticing girls, I started noticing guys in the same way. My wet dreams were more confusing than erotic a lot of the time.
"It wouldn't have been so bad if it'd been one or the other. Even if it had just been guys that did it for me, it wouldn't have been so bad. Okay, so dealing with being gay would have been pretty tough, but it wouldn't have been so confusing! I finally gave up trying to make sense out of what was happening to me and used my martial arts training to focus past it and not let it bother me. I figured sooner or later I'd make up my mind about which I was: gay or straight. It never occurred to me back then that I swung both ways."
"Was this why you never dated before moving to Angel Grove?" Jason asked, recalling a long ago conversation.
"Sort of. I was too afraid to let anybody get too close to me." Tommy paused, shaking his head and chuckling. "Boy, that sure flew out the window quick once we moved here."
Tommy sighed wistfully, and Jason could see that for as difficult as things had been for his friend in his early adolescence, whatever it was that had come to mind, it was still a powerful, cherished memory.
"Remember the martial arts expo where we first met and competed?" Tommy prompted. "That's where I met him."
Jason's eyebrows climbed at the intonation of the pronoun. That was the exact same way Tommy used to refer to Kimberly --all gushy and longing.
"Oh man, Jase... I'd never seen anyone like him," Tommy continued, his eyes aglow. Jason was wide-eyed because that look was what he'd used to call Tommy's daydreaming-about-Kim look. "He was absolutely gorgeous! Those dark eyes... that smile... the way he carried himself... and a body that I just wanted to...." Tommy stopped short, blushing as he realized how carried away he was getting at reliving that moment of love-at-first sight.
"Well, my drooling over him wasn't the important part of all this. What was, was the fact that I had never been affected by anyone --girl or guy-- that strongly. So when I found myself head-over-heels in love --lust, whatever-- with this guy, I just took it for granted that it meant I was gay."
"But it was only a few days after that that you met Kim!" Jason interjected.
"I know," Tommy confirmed with a rueful smile. "The thing was, I was so busy obsessing over this guy that I didn't realize that same ton of bricks hit me when I met Kim by the lockers."
"How could you not have noticed? You were always going on about her... doing cute little things for her... you were just like any other love-sick teenage guy."
"The only way I can explain it was that I wasn't thinking about what I was doing with Kimberly. I was simply reacting. I remember Zack teasing me about how nervous I was when I first decided to ask Kim out. He said he'd never seen me so jumpy around her. I wasn't nervous around her because, for the most part, I wasn't thinking of her as a potential girlfriend. I wasn't trying to impress her or anything --at least not consciously. She was a terrific friend... I liked her a lot, and I liked doing things to help her or make her feel good. I was so wrapped up in my fantasies about that guy that I didn't really realize what was going on. Jase, if I had any clue that I was trying to cozy up to Kim, there's no way I'd have been so easy about it. Me, a nobody new kid, and the most popular girl in school...?
"Anyway, if things would have stayed like that, I'd have been fine, but I got to thinking...."
"Always a bad move," Jason said, unable to resist the jibe. Tommy just glared at him and continued.
"The guy I had fallen for was as straight as they come; I knew there'd never be any chance for a relationship with him beyond friendship, and I didn't want to risk losing that by having him find out I had the hots for him. I also realized that Kim really seemed to like me, so I figured if I had a girlfriend, I could forget about him and no one else would ever find out that I was gay."
"So you were just using Kim all this time?" Jason asked, his voice heavily laced with disappointment. His tone made Tommy cringe.
"This is where it starts to get complicated," the longhaired teen sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Like it hasn't been already?"
Tommy rolled his eyes and forged on. "I'm not exactly proud to admit that, yes, for a while, I used Kim --but only at first. You know how messed up I was with losing my powers and stuff when Kimberly and I first started dating. I was more lost that you can imagine. I felt like I'd lose you guys as friends if I wasn't on the team. I realized that the love of my life was a hopeless dream. Then there was this girl I really enjoyed being with but I didn't understand why.... When Kim reached out to me that afternoon by the pond, it was like she had tossed me a life preserver, and I clung to it for dear life.
"After we started officially dating, I began noticing that the more time I spent with Kim, the more I found myself really liking her. For her. For the way she made me feel. However, I still had really strong feelings for this guy, too. I began to feel guilty... like I was lying to Kim...."
"So you told her you were gay," Jason concluded.
"Yeah. Like I said, I didn't know about being bisexual back then. If I had.... I cared for Kim enough that I couldn't lead her on, so I told her I was gay... I told her all about him...."
Tommy closed his eyes; he could still see her stricken expression and the tears she tried not to cry but quietly rolled down her cheeks anyway. He felt awful, and his own eyes had been none-too-dry either. He remembered how tightly he held her hand as he poured his soul out....
"I never meant to hurt you Kim, honest! But I can't lie to you anymore," he concluded, impassioned. He hung his head, unable to stand the pain in her sweet brown eyes any longer, and he braced himself for the inevitable... only, it never came.
"Do you really love him?" she asked at last. Her voice was so soft he almost couldn't hear her.
"Yes." This time, he managed to look her in the eye.
"I understand," she choked out. "Thank you for being honest with me... for trusting me."
Tommy let out the breath he had been holding. "You don't know how glad I am that you understand. I thought you'd hate my guts forever."
"I could never hate you, Tommy," she said quietly. "And we'll always be friends. The important thing is that you be happy. So, are you going to tell him?"
"I can't," he muttered morosely.
"Why not?"
"I know he's not gay. We're friends, but if he ever found out I was in love with him...."
"He'd be surprised and flattered...."
"I don't want to lose his friendship."
"Tommy, he won't stop being your friend because you're gay," she asserted.
"Please, Kim, I don't want him to know."
"All right, I promise I won't tell."
"Thanks. Uh... can I ask you one more favor...?"
"You asked her to keep on pretending to be your girlfriend," Jason realized at last.
"It was only supposed to be for a little while longer. I didn't want you guys wondering why we'd split up all of a sudden. Kimberly thought that'd be best, too. Then Zedd started stealing my powers, and Kim was right there for me. Man, I don't think I'd have gotten through losing my powers that second time without her love and support."
"So basically you're telling me your relationship was all a sham," Jason said.
"No, it wasn't! That's what I'm trying to explain. Somewhere in all this, it stopped being pretend... only I didn't realize it until it was too late. My feelings for Kimberly were as genuine and strong as my feelings for you!" Tommy blurted out in exasperation, and even as the words passed his lips, he wanted to crawl into a hole or have one of Divatox's monsters stomp on him and squish him flat.
"You mean... I'm the him you've been talking about?" Jason sputtered, understanding dawning at last. Yet, for all his shock, he should have made the connection sooner. Tommy's revelation had been so stunning that it'd made him a little slow on the uptake. Realistically, who else could it have been but someone on the team? He had known everyone that Tommy had, back in the early days. There weren't that many guys he had hung out with other than Billy, Zack and him. And if it had been someone off the team, he'd have been worried about having his Ranger identity uncovered also.
"Yes," Tommy answered without a shred of his former fear. It was as if finally telling Jason had set him free. "I've been in love with you since the first time I bowed to you across the mats. And I've loved Kimberly since the day at the lockers, only I didn't realize it until she broke up with me."
"So that's what you meant when you said 'now she'll never believe how much I really love her,'" Jason remarked, still working through his astonishment. The final piece to the old puzzle of 'what went wrong' fell into place. "When she sent you the letter, she was just doing something that should have been done a long time ago."
"She called me that evening... right before I teleported to see you," Tommy added. "She explained everything. She had sent the letter to the Youth Center so that our break up would be public and so that I wouldn't try to talk her out of it. She invented the other guy so the others wouldn't get mad at me. She told me I'd be all right and that since you were in Switzerland I wouldn't need to worry about hiding any more."
"Tommy, why didn't you just tell us --tell me-- about all this when the letter came? Surely by then you knew I wouldn't turn my back on you."
"I did, but I was still scared. I treasured your friendship too much to risk losing it over a hopeless fantasy."
"Instead, you lost Kim's."
"Not her friendship...."
"No, worse. Her trust."
Tommy didn't reply. He waited to see what Jason would say. The two teens regarded each other thoughtfully.
"You, bro, have quite a mess here," the former Gold Ranger murmured. He chose his next words carefully. "I really am flattered that you feel so deeply about me. I've never said it before --it was always something we understood-- but I do love you. As a friend. As a brother. But not as a lover. That's just not me."
"I've always known that," Tommy retorted dryly.
"The question is do you really love Kimberly that way."
There wasn't a moment's hesitation. "Yes."
"Not just because you can't have me?"
"No!" Tommy objected vehemently. "I made that mistake once --never again!" He let off an exasperated huff and got up to pace anew. "How will I ever be able to convince her if you don't believe I love her?"
"Easy does it," Jason soothed. "My problem isn't quite the same as Kim's. I know you love her; it's the rest of it that's going to take some getting used to. I just want to make sure you know why you want to get back together with her. I don't want her to get hurt again."
"Neither do I."
"You know, though, you have a more immediate problem than convincing Kim you love her."
"I do?"
Jason sighed with disbelief. "Aren't you forgetting you already have a girlfriend?"
"Oh, shit!" Tommy swore. "Katherine. What am I going to do about Kat?"
"I take it you never told her about all this."
"No."
Jason groaned then shook his head.
"I couldn't even tell you, and I've known you for lots longer," Tommy shot back defensively. He sank back into the desk chair and dejectedly buried his face in his arms.
Jason crossed over to the desk and put a comforting hand on his pal's shoulder.
"Don't worry, bro; we'll get you through this somehow," he said reassuringly. His heart truly went out to his best friend.
"I don't want to hurt Kat either; she doesn't deserve it, but I'm going to, aren't I?'
"'Fraid so, buddy. She loves you."
"What'd I ever do to deserve the love of two such wonderful, patient women?"
"Beats me," the former Ranger said with a shrug. His mocking tone caused Tommy to look up, and the ex-Gold Ranger shot his friend a kind smile. "I guess the first thing we have to figure out is where you stand with Kat. Do you love her?"
Tommy had never closely examined his feelings for the blonde-haired, blue-eyed Pink Ranger. "Kat is a wonderful girl. I really enjoy being with her. I care for her a great deal, and maybe given time, there could be something more between us, but right now I don't feel for her what I feel for Kimberly."
"Do you mind if I ask you why you started dating Kat?"
"She's a very sweet lady, and we got close as she helped me work through losing Kim. I thought maybe there was something there for us...."
"Was it because I came back?"
"I didn't think so, but now I'm not so sure," Tommy admitted guiltily. "Kim asked me the same question, and when I got to thinking about it, the fact that we didn't seriously start dating until you came home really makes me wonder. I just can't be sure anymore, Jase."
"You're going to have to tell Katherine...."
"I know."
"All of it."
"All...?" Tommy gulped.
"She isn't just competing with Kimberly for your affections," Jason pointed out, "and it isn't fair to Kim that she be the bad guy in this. None of this is her fault. She didn't break up with you because she fell out of love with you, and she didn't do it to hurt you. She was trying to do what she thought was best for both of you. The trouble is, what's best for both of you is to be together. You're miserable apart.
"I can't begin to imagine what you're going through right now or how tough this is going to be for you, but I know it's time for you to stop hiding. The Tommy I've always known doesn't run away from his problems. He faces them. Are you still that Tommy? My best friend?"
The two regarded each other for several long minutes, a host of emotions and thoughts leaping between them in their silent communication. There had never been a need for a lot of words between them.
"I'm still that Tommy," came the answer. "Thanks, Jase."
"Any time, bro."
Tommy stood and pushed the chair out of his way. "I guess I'd better get busy; I've got a lot of people to talk to."
"Do you want to call Kat from here?" Jason asked.
"No, I'll talk to her in person --later. First, I think I'd better talk to my folks."
"Do you want me to come along for moral support," Jason offered, knowing that this was going to be one of the toughest things his friend had ever faced.
Tommy smiled, his eyes glimmering with appreciation. "That means a lot to me, but I'd better handle both of these on my own."
"Good luck, bro."
"I'm going to need it."