Leaving the Fold

Steve had been asleep for about three hours when his phone rang. "Sloan here."

"Ah, Lieutenant Sloan, this is Michael, could you please come over to the house, now, if at all possible? Miss Walters needs you."

Steve was out of bed before Michael had stopped speaking. He had no idea what was wrong, but he could hear the anxiety in the manservant's voice. "I'm on my way, Michael."

Steve broke the speed restrictions all the way to Beverley Hills, but with his siren blaring and his light flashing, he didn't give it a second thought. He screeched to a halt in front of the large double doors to Jo's house and found them opened for him before he was even out of his truck.

"This way, Sir, Miss Walters is in the lounge."

It was true that Jo was in the lounge, but Steve had a feeling that she was actually somewhere else entirely. She was sitting with her knees drawn up to her chest, and she was staring off into space.

"If you would sit for a minute, Sir, I will explain a few things to you."

Steve just nodded and Michael began to speak.

"Miss Walters was orphaned at a very young age. Her brother David was three and she was five.  She was, apparently, a very quiet studious child, and found it almost impossible to show her feelings to anyone, especially after the accident which claimed her parents lives."

"Do you know what happened to them?"

"They were killed in a house fire. The children were saved by their then butler, but the parents perished."

"Oh." Steve could think of nothing else to say. He looked over towards Jo, but she seemed totally oblivious to their presence in the room.

"They were raised by their maternal grandmother, my previous employer, in Texas. Then when she was old enough Miss Walters joined the police force. There had been a few instances in her past when she had been called upon to deal with a crisis situation. Her grandfather had a heart attack in front of her when she was sixteen. She saved his life, and when she knew that he would be fine, she went to pieces herself. So we always knew that was the way she handled difficult situations." Michael paused and took a deep breath. He had never told anybody what he was about to tell this man, but he knew that his mistress loved and trusted him, and he needed some help with what they may have to do.

"I know that you found out she was released by the police on medical grounds after Waco. It took six months for the realisation of what had happened to finally cause her to move from depression to complete mental and physical break down. She was taken into a closed institution and for three years she saw none of her family, all her friends gradually drifted away, and by the time she came home, apart from Mr. David and her grandparents she was completely alone."

Steve's heart ached for her as he listened to her story. "There's more to come, isn't there?" Steve desperately wanted to go over and sit with Jo, but he knew that he had to hear all that Michael had to say first.

"Yes, Sir. After she was discharged she stayed at home, in Texas, for just under two years. Gradually she regained her spirit and her sense of self worth. Then one day she just decided to leave. She packed a bag and nobody heard from her for eighteen months. Her grandfather died, and her grandmother had by this time moved back to Los Angeles and when she passed on I kept the house open and waited for Miss Walters to come and claim her inheritance."

"That was when she travelled the world wasn't it?"

"Yes, and then two years ago, she just turned up on the doorstep one Monday morning, and she has been here ever since."

"You say she was depressed, how depressed?"

"She tried, once, to take her own life, but I am still not sure if she meant it or if it was an accident. She became very withdrawn after Waco, and would go for days without eating anything. She had tablets to take, and if she forgot to take them one day she would just take two the next. One day she took fifteen."

"And now, once again, she no longer needs to cope and so she is turning in on herself. What do you think I can do to help her, Michael?"

"She loves you, Sir. If you don't mind me saying so, Sir, I have never seen her as happy and content with life as when she is with you. I thought that if anyone could get through to her, it would be you, Sir."

"I will try, Michael, but I don't know how successful I'll be."

"I'll be in the kitchen if you need me, Sir."

Michael left the room and Steve looked over at the woman sitting on the sofa. She was staring out of the window behind him, and her hair was straggling down her back. She had old jogging bottoms on and a LAPD t-shirt that he had given her.

 He moved over and sat down on the sofa next to her. "Jo, honey, it's me, Steve. Can you hear me?"

To his utmost surprise and relief she turned her head towards him and nodded. "Oh, God, Jo, are you alright?" He held his hands up in mock surrender. "I know, stupid question, I don't know what else to say."

"Don't say anything, Steve, just hold me, hold me tight."

Steve put his arms around her and could feel her shoulders start to heave as she began to cry on his chest. He gently stroked her hair, but after a while he stopped doing even that and just let her sob.

After what seemed like hours, but Steve imagined was about twenty minutes he felt her begin to come under control. She raised her face towards him and smiled a very watery smile.

"I'm sorry, honey, I just can't help myself."

"Shhh, it has been a rough few months. We are all feeling it. I have been given a week to sort myself out, Rae took six months to get back to some sort of normality, and we have all been stretching ourselves to the limit."

"But, Steve, in the past…"

"Shhh, in the past you were part of a horrendous situation. This was nothing like that. I know what you are afraid of, you are afraid that because of this your past is gonna come back and haunt you again, aren't you?"

Jo couldn't speak. He had just put into words exactly what she was feeling. She nodded and waited for him to continue.

"Nobody is going to let that happen. You have got close friends here who care about you, three of them happen to be doctors, so you are covered on that score. Two others are cops, and one of the cops is me, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you ever again. Well, except good things, ok?"

Jo put her hand up and pulled Steve's face down towards her own. She began to kiss him deeply and he forgot all the other words he had planned to say.

Michael, realising that the lounge had descended into silence, moved slowly towards the door. He looked round the frame and smiled at the sight of the two people kissing passionately on the sofa. This time it looked as if they had saved her all by themselves.

After half an hour Steve took Jo by the hand and led her to the bedroom. He made sure that she was warm and comfy and then he lay down on top of the covers beside her. Gently he began to rub circles on her back and slowly he felt the muscles relax and her breathing deepen. Then when he was sure that she was asleep he turned onto his back and lay waiting for the darkness to claim him too.

Neither of them awoke until almost lunchtime the next day. Jo rolled slowly over and smiled at the picture of her lover lying there, fully clothed, fast asleep, hugging a pillow. Then she lay on her back, and looking up at the ceiling she began to make plans in her mind. She had been thinking for over half an hour when Steve finally began to stir. "Well, good mornin' darlin'," Jo checked her watch. "Nope, I lie, good afternoon."

"What, Jo, afternoon? Uugh, I hate sleeping in like that."

"Honey, if you didn't need it you would have woken ages ago, so would I."

"True, so how are you this morning?"

Jo looked again at this man that she loved so very much. Then she took a deep breath. "I'm gonna go home, Steve… alone. I need some time, an' I haven't seen David in a very long while. I'll keep the house on here, for now, while I sort out what I want to do with my life."

"Jo, no, honey, please, don't leave me here." Steve felt his chest constrict. He hadn't even considered her leaving him. "I need you."

"Baby, I know you do, but I need me more. I have to be kind to myself for a while. Honey, I have to be honest with you, I don't know if I can live with a cop. I thought I could, but I don't know."

"Oh, God, Jo, don't do this to me, please." Steve got off the bed; he couldn't believe how the conversation had filled him with such despair.

"Steve, I have to look after myself. When I came to Los Angeles I knew that I couldn't work in an environment where I was gonna be puttin' my life on the line every day, or where I was involved with people who were doin' that. I went to work for James because I thought that I would be helpin' to provide new medications for people like my grandpapa who had a bad heart. I bought shares in the company, an' I helped to pay for the up to date equipment by anonymous donation. James never knew it was from me." She paused and took a drink from the glass by the bed.

"Then I found out that I was payin' for the very research that nearly killed you, an' your entire circle of friends. The woman who I now consider to be my closest friend was nearly killed as she had to be at the funeral of a woman murdered because of that research, an' I was kidnapped, drugged and was almost responsible for wipin' out one of the largest cities in our nation."

Steve stared at her. When she talked like that he could easily blame everything that had happened on her.

"Honey you are turning yourself into a scapegoat. I could blame almost all of that on myself. So could Rae. Stop it. You aren't doing yourself any favours by talking that way."

"Maybe so, but I know that, for the time bein' at least, I have to get out of this town."

"And I can't talk you out of it, and you can't say if you will ever come back?"

"I'm sorry, Steve, but that's the way it's gotta be."

Steve knew when he was beaten, he moved over to her and kissed her gently on the cheek. "When you are ready to leave let me know, I hope you'll let me run you to the airport, to catch your flight."

"Honey, I can leave whenever I want. The plane belongs to me."

Rae had woken up the next morning at just after eight. She wasn't due back into work for a week. The Captain had decided that if Steve was going to get a week off because of the pathogen, then she had better be off for the same period of time. Kira was curled up on the other pillow. As she lay there, she thought over what had happened in the last year.

As she went through the pictures in her mind she almost became detached from reality. She relived the feelings when she had first seen the body of Hana Marlow, and the helplessness she had felt when she had thought it was her own daughter. The fear as she felt the scarf go round her throat, and then the unrelenting sense of vulnerability and panic as Philip Levington had first stalked her and then attacked those people she held most dear to her heart in this big city.

She thought about her children. She missed them, and sometimes the pain of being apart was so strong that she could see it. But she wanted to stay in Los Angeles, of that she was certain. She had good friends here, and a job that with all its problems she loved. Mark had said that he would talk to some contacts of his, and he had been true to his word. Her job was secure for another year, and her children understood why she was staying.

Slowly her mind moved on to Jesse. She missed him so much. He was just the other side of the wall but he could be a million miles away. As she lay there she realised she could hear him moving about. He actually was, at that moment, just the other side of the wall; she got up, slipped on a pair of jeans and a shirt and headed purposefully for the door.

Jesse was just looking at the mail when he heard his bell ring. He moved over and opened the door without checking the peephole and came face to face with the one person he had been trying not to think about for the last twenty four hours. "Rae." He just stood there, so she took all her courage in both hands and walked in and closed the door.

"Jesse, we need to talk, really talk, now that I can hold a proper conversation without sending everybody to sleep while I work out my words." To her relief she saw him smile and as she held her hands out to him he took them and she saw love in his eyes.

"Oh, Jesse, please, I can't live this life on my own. I need somebody with me. I have a hard job, I know it's dangerous, I know I worry everybody sick every time I leave the house, but I need to know that somebody cares enough about me to stick with me…I want that somebody to be you."

Suddenly she needed to sit down. Everything that she had she'd put in to her plea to him to take her back. If he said no, she didn't know what she would do.

Jesse sat and looked at her, this woman that had taken over a part of his soul. He loved her so much that it hurt. But it hurt more to see her lying in a hospital bed unresponsive and close to death. He knew that if he let her back into his life he would never be able to let her go again, it wouldn't be fair to her, and he didn't think he could do it anyway. Suddenly he realised what he had just thought, he couldn't let her go. He turned to her then and placed his hand on her cheek.

"Jesse?" Rae was unsure what to do or say.

"I love you, Rae, I have loved you with all my heart since the first time we kissed. I can't live without you any more." He pulled her towards him then and began to kiss her, at first Rae couldn't respond, she was so relieved by what he had said, then gradually her feelings turned to those of pleasure and she began to kiss him back. She ran her fingers through his hair, and over his back. They kissed and snuggled up to each other for a long time before Jesse moved away. "God I've missed you."

"I was always here, Jesse, I just couldn't reach you, you wouldn't let me."

"I know, I was scared, scared of losing you."

"Jesse, I was never lost, you just couldn't find it within yourself to reach out and take me back."

"Rae, I'm sorry."

"No, don't be. You were just being true to yourself, you couldn't cope and you were brave enough to admit it. I couldn't understand it, but that was partly due to my injury, I needed you, and I couldn't see why you didn't feel the same. Maybe you should be glad I couldn't work things out on my own. I may not still be here."

"No, don't say that, Rae. There were so many times that I nearly came back to you, but I was just so scared. You have no idea what it is like to see someone that you love lying hurt and you being unable to do anything about it, especially when it's your job to care for the sick."

"Yes I do, Jesse." Rae's voice was a whisper now. "I watched you chained to a radiator, unable to breathe, and then I saw you lying on a gurney in an ambulance with Mark sitting with you so worried and frightened. Then when I remembered again that morning in ICU it was like I was living it all over again. It happened to me for a second time, but the feelings were still the same. I was supposed to protect you, keep you safe, and I failed."

"No, honey, you didn't fail, he's in jail. We are together, the past can't hurt us any more, not if we don't let it." For an instant the flowers and get well card flashed through Jesse's mind, but he pushed them away.

"I always felt that together we could do anything, Jesse, when I was with you I was complete. I could be what I wanted to be and I knew that you would support me and stand by me. We had a hiccup that's all, I guess it was a big one, but it's over. Now shhh, we have things to catch up on that are far better than words." She pulled him to his feet and with a glint in her eye she began to slowly undress him. Jesse felt his heart begin to pound, and he forgot everything except the now and as she ran her hands across his chest he pulled her towards him and back onto the sofa.

As Rae felt his hands begin to undo her shirt she felt fear replace the passion she had been feeling moments before. "Jesse, no. I… I can't."

"Rae?" Jesse moved away from her. "Honey, I'm sorry, what's wrong? I thought you wanted to do this." Jesse couldn't understand what was going on.

"Jesse, I'm sorry too, it's just that nobody has touched me for six months…I'm just a little nervous."

"Oh, Rae, come here, we don't have to do anything. Just sit with me for a while, we have all the time in the world for this."

They sat back down and Jesse put his arm around her. Rae laid her head on his chest, the feeling of his skin against hers felt wonderful. She stayed where she was, enjoying the feeling, listening to him breathe and taking in his scent for a while, then she slowly kissed his skin and traced her fingers in the shape of kisses across his shoulders. She felt Jesse begin to play with her hair. "Jesse."

"Shhh, we will take this as slowly as you want, I love you, I'll wait." Jesse ran a finger down her face and under her chin; gently he raised her face until she was looking up at him. "Can I kiss you, sweetie…please?"

"I would be disappointed if you didn't." She smiled at him and then moved a hand up into his hair. His face moved down towards hers and she began to kiss him again. This time she felt no fear, but the stirring of feelings that had been dormant for too long. "Take me into the other room, Jess."

"Are you sure?" She nodded at him and so he stood up and took her by the hand and they went together towards the bedroom. Gradually Jesse slipped the shirt off her body and undid her bra. He stepped back for a second and smiled. "I have missed you, Rae, all of you."

Slowly they finished undressing each other, and Rae opened herself up to the feelings that had scared her only a little while before. "Oh, God, Jesse, now, please, honey, now."

Rae felt her head spin as Jesse came inside her. Her fear began to return as she felt the room begin to move. "Jesse, help me…"

Slowly Rae felt Jesse brushing her hair off her face. "Rae, honey, please, come on, baby, it's all right."

"Jesse…? What happened?" Rae looked up at the worried face of Jesse. "I'm sorry, did I spoil it?"

"What? No, honey, you fainted at the end that's all. I should have thought of it, when everything was released you just … passed out. How do you feel now?"

"Extremely embarrassed! But complete, I feel complete again."

"No, Rae, don't be embarrassed, it's fine, I take it as a compliment, sweetie". She smiled at him and he climbed back onto the bed next to her, and even though it was mid morning they curled up together and fell into a dreamless sleep.

It took Jo three days to get her affairs in order in Los Angeles, and then she called Steve and asked him and Rae to come and visit with her.

It was mid afternoon when they arrived and rang the bell. Rae had never been to her house before, and was amazed by it.

"Good afternoon, Sir, Madam, won't you please come in?" Michael opened the door to them and directed them into the breakfast room. As they passed the lounge Steve could see that all the furniture had been placed under dustsheets.

"Hi, Rae, how are you feelin' today?" Jo stood up and moved across to her friends. She looked tired and her hair was scraped back into a clip, but she seemed pleased to see them.

"Texas, I'm fine, but I'm worried about you. I tried to call and call, but I couldn't get past Michael."

"I know, I couldn't talk to anybody, I had to do this first." She turned to Steve and tears welled up in her eyes. They had always shown him her mood, she could have happy eyes, or sexy smoky eyes, but now they were sad and full of trouble. "Honey, I have to do this, you do understand that don't you?"

Steve looked away from her. He felt as if he was living in a dream, that if he could just wake up she wouldn't be ready to leave him, maybe forever. "I know, I just don't want it to happen."

Rae moved over to her friend and held her arms out. "I will miss you, Texas, you helped me to find myself again. Thank you. You have my e-mail address, you keep in touch, ok?"

"I will. Can you give us a minute?"

"Of course, I'll go and wait in the car." She leant over and kissed her friend on the cheek and then she took her into her arms and hugged her, hard. Rae put her hand on Steve's shoulder and squeezed gently as she walked past him. "Don't hurry out, I'll be fine."  Finally brushing tears from her cheeks Rae headed back out towards the entrance hall.

Jo rubbed at her eyes and turned back to Steve. She loved him with everything she had. Nobody had ever meant as much to her as he did, but she had to get away. "I can't stay, Steve, I have to go. Rae said I helped her to find herself. Well, when I was feelin' like a little lost lamb, you found me and brought me back. Now I have to leave the fold so that I can find myself again. Do you understand that?"

"Yeah, I do, and I will be here, waiting for you. When you find yourself, I hope you will come back and find me too." It was Steve's turn to hold his arms out and she ran into them and they held each other tight, as if they may never have the chance to do it again.

An hour later Rae and Steve stood on the balcony of the visitor's lounge at LAX and watched as the private jet taxied along the runway. Steve took Rae's hand in his own and she moved closer to him. As the plane got smaller and smaller and then finally took off into the deep blue sky above them she turned to him. "Do you think she will come back, Steve?"

"I hope so, Rae." He watched as the plane turned into a dot and then disappeared completely.

"I hope so too, partner, I hope so too.

The End.

Author's Note: Can I just thank everybody who has stuck with me throughout this story, and left such wonderful reviews. I am already working on the next story, which I hope you will also enjoy.

Thank you

Tracy