Author's notes: No special stuff now. If you haven't already figured out
that these characters do not belong to us, then seek help. The next two
chapters were written in a all night ICIM conversation between Sunrise and
myself. We were writing from 11 something untill after 6 am. All of the
weird and funny stuff (more in the next chap than this one) is to be blamed
on our sleep deprived brains. Here's chapter four.
I've been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But my flesh is so weak And the ashes all scatter But I think it's about Forgivness, forgivness Even if, even if You don't love me anymore
That night, Buffy sat in front of her vanity, running a brush through her shortened locks. She stared blankly at the mirror, hearing her own words echo through her head.
"No lies, Spike."
"No lies," she muttered to herself. She hadn't known what to expect when she had gone to his crypt. Certainly not the horridly candid breakdowns they'd both had. So, she lied. She had lied to Spike before.
But why? Buffy snorted at herself. 'Because telling him you got your ass kicked by a group of demons at Willie's when you were asking if anyone had heard from him is embarassing.'
She focused on her face in the mirror. That wasn't it. She had been embarassed in front of Spike before. No big. And Mirror Buffy knew. She smacked her brush down on her vanity. "So what? I lied! He's lied to me!"
She refused to pace. That would mean she was worried, or felt guilty. Why was it so hard to tell him, "I got my ass kicked looking for you?" It was the whole 'looking for him' part that was so hard to get out. Would mean admitting... Well, things she didn't want to admit.
Changing quickly into pajamas and sliding into bed, Buffy paused with her hand on the lamp. It wasn't a lie if he didn't follow up on it. She gave a half-hearted grin. Chip and soul equals no killing of people who didn't really hurt Buffy. She clicked the light off. It wasn't a lie if he didn't ask.
**********************************************
Spike had been sitting in the tree outside Buffy's window since right after he saw her light go off. He kept thinking about their conversations/emotional breakdowns earlier that evening. She had really been nice to him, he fingered the guardian angel charm that was now attached to his chain. Took a deep, unnessisary breath, and tapped on the window...
Buffy snorted oh-so-ladylike, and tossed a bit more in her sleep, deep and restless.
Spike tapped again, and, when that didn't elicit a response, he turned to leave. Then the light went on...
She turned to face the window, her face not quite alert, but lucid. "Hello?"
Spike turned around, and gave a half wave, as if to say, "You don't have to let me in, I'll leave."
She shook her head vehemently. Waved him in. She smiled, happy to see him, but panicing, remembering her actions. She cracked open her window, ushering him in.
"Thanks, luv," Spike said with a minor shiver. "It was getting a bit cold out." He crawled over the windowsill and found himself right next to her bed.
She could feel the air getting in, nodded in agreement, and closed it. Sat at her vanity. "What's up?"
He tried to be nonchlant. "Well, not much, really. I was just over at Willys.." He trailed off, hoping that she would get the hint, that he was on to her.
She arched her brows, politely interested. "Cool. Beat anyone at pool?" She prayed silently, [i]Please no.... no no no no no..[/i] She picked up the brush she had thrown down earlier that night, and began to brush her hair out again.
"Yeah, I heard a few things that were interesting." He picked up Mr. Gordo and sat down on the bed, still holding the pig. "Seems that barfight you got into earlier was at Willys."
She stared intently at her hero, Mr. Gordo. "Oh?" She lowered the brush, set it back on the vanity.
Spike stroked the pig gently, absently. "Yeah, and a certain source tells me that you were looking for someone... Namely, me."
She bit her bottom lip gently, still knowing Mr. Gordo had all the answers. "Certain source, huh?"
"Yeah." He leaned forward, handing Mr. Gordo to the Slayer. "Sheesh, calm down, luv. I'm not mad at you."
She unconsciously cuddled the pig to her stomach. Looked at him through her lashes. "I just- Oh. Well... Ok?"
He leaned back on an elbow, across the foot of her bed. "I'm just a bit curious as to what made you want to see me so bad that you started a fight with three Tralfgor demons."
She stared at him fiercely. "Did. Not. Start. Finished, debatable. I just..."
"Yeah?"
'Wanted to check on you' floated through her mind and was dismissed. "Was looking."
"For?"
Now she stroked Mr. Gordo. "You."
He grinned. "But that still doesn't answer my question. Why were you looking for me?" He was at least going to get an, "I was concerned about you" out of her. If not an, "I wanted to tell you that I love you." That was too much to hope for.
Buffy turned in her seat slightly to look in the mirror. Mirror Buffy was demanding penance. Spike had bared his... well, soul. "I wanted to... to check on you."
"Checking" was good. "Well thanks, luv. But I was fine. Why didn't you just come right to the crypt? You ended up there anyway." He dropped his gaze. "Unless... unless you were afraid of what I'd do... again..." Tears were threatening to fall. He'd promised himself never to think about what had almost happened, and yet... Here it was again.
Buffy wanted to pull her jammas tighter. "I just... I knew you were gone... I didn't know if you'd.. tell me if you got back... I didn't want Xander to find you first." She passed back Mr. Gordo.
Spike actually hugged the pig, rolling over on his back. "Sorry. I just... I had something that I had to do. I.. went to see someone. An old... friend."
She nodded. "I didn't know what I'd do if I saw you right off... I just wanted to know... and the demons.. well, they don't like me."
"At the risk of sounding like a certain Key, duh," Spike chuckled as he said this. But he still clutched the pig.
Buffy snorted a small laugh.
Spike smiled at her, and yawned, again vamping out for an instant. "Bugger. I hate it when this happens."
Buffy just shrugged. "Better than vamping out on someone the first time you kiss 'em." She looked at him. "Spike?"
He looked at her, upside-down, and shook off the vampire visage. "Uh, I didn't do that, did I?"
She shook her head. "Nopers. Mark that one off to an Angel. We're... ok, right?"
He grinned. "I'm okay if you're okay." He glanced at the window. "I'd better be going. Need time to get back to the crypt and all that..." He was shocked at Buffy's interuption.
"Do you want to... sleep here?"
"Isn't Rupert on the couch?", he said, thinking that he'd missunderstood her.
She wanted to duck her head, but made herself keep her eyes on his. Maybe they had grown up a little bit in the past months. "Yeah. You can stay up here... With me."
He swallowed. Blinked, swallowed again. "On the... floor?"
She frowned. "You're not a dog, Spike."
"Arf?"
This time Buffy did downcast her eyes. "I just meant... We wouldn't... But if you wanted to... But only on the condition that I get Mr. Gordo."
Spike laughed. "You can have 'im, luv." He glanced around. "Me, I've always liked this stuffed horse.."
Smiling, she grabbed Mr. Gordo, and snuggled under the covers,
Spike removed his shoes, and crawled in after her, then turned off the light. Within a few moments, they were both asleep. Slayer and vampire, snuggled close together, in the same bed. Spike's last concious thought was, [i]I'm sure glad she has thick blinds...[/i]
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Buffy woke up slowly, Mr. Gordo squashed between her and... Spike. She cracked open her eyes to assess the situation. She was curled toward him, and his hand was resting on her hip. She glanced up at his face, he was still asleep. Last night had been hard. Nervewracking. And he had stayed by her. She smiled softly, for the first time not regretting waking next to him.
Spike twitched in his sleep, muscles jumping as his body struggled with some unseen force within his mind. He was obviously having a nightmare.
Her smile faded, and she reached a hand toward his face, resting her hand on his cheek, murmuring comfortingly.
Spike twitched again. He could smell her, she was close, but that wasn't possible, was it? He was a monster, he had let her die. Everything had been a dream... He suddenly started awake, sitting bolt upright in the bed, letting out a sound that was a cross between a yelp and a whimper. "What! Where?.." He glanced around, getting his bearings. Then he saw her. "Buffy?"
She was staring at him, caring in her eyes. She ran a hand over his tousled curls. "Hey." Her hand traveled lower, she scooted closer, rubbing circles on his back.
He leaned into her touch. "Sorry, luv. I guess I... Had a bad dream, that's all." He pulled away, even though he didn't want to, and layed back down. "Bloody, sodding nightmares. Stupid soul..", he muttered.
She frowned, laid down next to him, her head on his shoulder. "What happened?"
"Aww, it's always the same. It's like an instant replay of everyone I've killed.." He glanced at her. "Every time I've failed. And it always ends in the same damn place..." He slipped an arm around her. "Two things at once... What I di.. Almost did to you.." He closed his eyes. "And when you jumped.." The last part was said in a quiet whisper.
Buffy internally flinched at the memory in her bathroom. She leaned her head against Spike's, whispered, "You're not to blame for that. I would jump.... every day for the rest of my life if I had to."
"Somehow, that doesn't help much," he responded. "It still leaves me in a world with out you. It's like a world without... sunshine. And, believe me, that isn't a nice way to live."
She rocked slightly to the left, then right. "I'm back. And it wasn't ideal... and it wasn't easy. But I... I like who we are now, Spike. I think I've taken my life back. I gave myself sunshine." She said contemplatively, "I'm... Happy with life, most times. I... Enjoy the people I love."
He looked at her, gently stroking her hair. "You like who we are, eh?" He raised an eyebrow in a playful manner. "Are you saying you like me?" He delibrately avoided the big "L" word. Now was not the time.
Buffy swallowed. She had spent a lot of time contemplating that question since he had left. "I've always enjoyed you. But yeah..." She shoved a gentle elbow to his side. "I think I like you." She grinned impishly at him.
Spike let out a snort of laughter at the unexpected poke to his ribs. "Enjoyed me? And you admit that you like me? Now, how does one go about organizing a parade?"
She grinned, and rolled her eyes. "Bite me ."
"I am a little hungry."
She arched a brow at him. "... I can't smell the pancakes cooking yet, so we can still sleep in." Her eyes widened. "Oh. I can get you blood."
He smiled at her honest attempt. "No thanks, luv. I was joking. I'm much too comfortable to get up now."
"I'm not." She plopped back onto the bed, sprawled out. "Now I am." She tossed him a baleful look. "Mr. Gordo says you're a blanket hog." She jerked them toward herself, and snuggled down into them.
"Fine choice of words, for a pig." He picked up the stuffed animal. "What else have you been saying about me, Pinky?"
With an indignant gasp, she reached up for her pig. "Don't SAY mean things like that!"
She reached for the pig, but Spike delibrately held it up out of her reach. He wanted to see what she would do to get it back. Little did he know that he'd given something away by laughing when she'd poked him earlier...
Buffy glared at him. "I knew you were evil. Steal a girl's pig? Doesn't that rate up there with babies and candy?"
He held it up, playfully taunting her with it. "Come on, Slayer. Get it back." He was holding it up in the air, lying on his back. Buffy was beginning to see an oppertunity.
She smiled slyly. "Well, I'm evil, too. Just so ya know." She pounced him quickly, running her fingers over his ribs. "Gimme the pig, boy." She tickled mercilessly.
Spike dropped the pig almost immediatly, convulsing in a fit of helpless laughter. "Luv! Ahh!! Stop it!"
She swiped the pig behind her, but kept up her attack. "Apologize for treating Mr. Gordo with less respect than you do a poker kitten."
"I'm sorry! I appologize for everything I've ever done to anyone!", he yelped, continuing to squirm. "I love Mr. Gordo! Just please stop!!"
She paused for half a second to consider. And kept tickling. "And for being a blanket hog?"
"YES!! I'm a horrible person... And I'll never hog blankets, or anything ever again." She was torturing him, going full on ribs and stomach now.
Dawn chose that moment to storm into Buffy's room. "It is 9:30 am, Saturday morning. WHY ARE YOU MAKING NOISE!?!?" The Key stood in the doorway, radiating irritation. Her eyes flashed and her hair was slightly tousled. Her Hello Kitty pajamas were askew, and her hands were fisted on her hips.
Spike looked up, desparation in his blue eyes. For even the appearance of her sister hadn't been enough to deter the Slayer from her current goal: to tickle Spike to death. "Lil' Bit! HELP!!"
Her sleep glazed eyes suddenly snapped from psychotic teenager mode. "Cool! Ticklefest!" Before coming in the door, she said firmly, "I want an explanation later."
"Oh, nonononono.." Spike blabbered, trying to grab Buffy's hands, but missing by a mile. His usually impecable aim thrown off by his body's squirming reflex.
Tossing her sister a grin, Dawn dove onto the pile of twisted sheets and blankets. "So... who to help?"
"Mememememe!!!", Spike howled, thrashing around desparately.
She threw back her head and laughed. "That was just sad." She poked at Buffy's hips, a secret spot she only knew from years of defending herself from tickle-torture. Buffy sputtered a laugh, still tickling Spike, and bunching up one side away from Dawn's questing hands. Spike managed to gain control of one hand long enough to latch onto Buffy's other side.
Buffy caved to the bed, trying to pull her knees to her chest. "OH! Not fair! Not fair! No double teams!"
For a moment, it looked like Spike and Dawn had the upper hand, but they had forgotten one crusial thing: Buffy had Slayer strength and speed, even when being tickled. She poked both Dawn and Spike in the ribs, and while they squirmed, sped off the bed. She tossed her hair back, trying to look authoratative in her pj's. "Now. That's enough."
Spike rolled onto his back, his chest heaving with deep, unnessisary breaths. After a couple of post hysterical laughter hic-ups, that apparently even affected the undead, he looked at Buffy, upside down. "Don't you ever do that again, luv."
She glanced at him self-righteously. "Don't take the pig. I protect it like Dawn."
Dawn glanced at him with huge eyes. "You [i]*stole*[/i] Mr. Gordo??"
"I picked him up and held him up in the air. He didn't even leave the room. That's not stealing," he said defensivly, with a glare at Buffy. "And it doesn't warrent exploiting a person's worst weakness, either."
Buffy and Dawn nodded in unison. "It SOOO does," the teen clarified. "I'd shed blood for Rhino the rhino."
"You named your rhino, "Rhino"?", Spike asked. Upon seeing the looks on the sister's faces, he quickly backpedaled, rather than start another ticklefight. "Not that there's anything wrong with that. Perfectly normal."
Dawn nodded firmly. "It is. Rhino is the perfect man." She squished her face up. "Ya know, considering."
"Considering that he's a rhino? Or stuffed?", Spike asked, rolling onto his stomach. The better to defend from any further attacks.
Buffy considered it safe to sit on the bed again. Dawn fielded the question. "M... both. So. Explain. Because... like.. I so will not have freaky sexscapades going on under this roof."
Spike's jaw dropped for an instant. "Lil' Bit!"
She arched a brow at him. "Don't Li'l Bit me. We had a big girl talk Spike. I can take it." She rolled her eyes at him. "Cuz like... I've never HEARD of sex, or... anything."
"You shouldn't for at least five more years," he muttered.
She patted his tousled hair. "How cute. You don't think I've.." Dawn's eyes popped, and she snapped her jaw shut. "You're stalling."
"Am not. I'm just waitin' for the Slayer to explain." He cocked his head to the side. "Well, luv? Want to tell your sis why I'm sleeping in your room? I'm kind of ancious to know why you didn't kick me out myself."
Buffy shot him a hasty glare. "First off. No I don't think you've... well, if you have, the boy will be eating something of his own on a bun with mustard." She nodded emphatically. "And.. secondly.. Spike came over late last night... and we.. discussed some things."
Spike let out a chuckle at the hot dog comment.
"And... They were things we needed to talk about. And when we were done... It was... ya know.. about sunrise. So I told him he could stay here. Because we trust him."
"You do?", Spike asked incredulusly.
She narrowed her eyes at him. "I don't know anymore. You can't trust a pig stealing blanket hog."
Dawn hugged Spike shyly. "I trust a pig stealing blanket hog."
If it had been possible, Spike would have blushed.
Spike blinked a few times in rapid succession, trying not to make it too obvious that he was fighting back tears of happiness. "I'm not all bad, you know. And I think you got your revenge for the pig stealing, and the blanket hogging. No one's ever done that to me before."
Buffy smiled. "No, you're not all bad." She looked at him speculatively. "I don't think you ever have been."
"Yeah, I have!", Spike said vemently. Then he paused, turned thoughtful. "No, you're right."
Dawn detangled herself from Spike. "If I go to my room, wait ten minutes, THEN will it be ok to wake Giles up and beg for breakfast?"
Buffy smiled at Spike and Dawn. "Just go back to sleep, Dawn. At eleven we'll wake Giles up and beg."
"I do a real good impression of a wimpering puppy," Spike joked. "I could probably talk him out of some scraps."
Buffy laughed. "I think we'll let you eat at the table today boy."
"Oh, goody."
Dawn rolled her eyes at them. "You are... too wierd for words." She yawned hugely. Looked surprised at herself for it. "I am so crashing."
"Night, Niblet," Spike said, then corrected himself. "Or is that mornin'?"
She shrugged. "S'long as it means sleep." With that, she shut the door behind her.
Spike rolled over again, so that his head was right next to Buffy's leg as she sat on the bed. "Now what?"
She regarded him seriously. "Now I get to ask why."
"Why? Why what?" He looked annoyed at himself. "That was not a sentence. That was a disaster of questions."
"Why did you ask after me at Willie's?"
"Oh, that's easy. Cause I was worried about you. You said that you'd been in a barfight. When I found out that there hadn't been one at the Bronze, that was the next place I checked."
Her brow furrowed. "And why did you inquire into one at the bronze?"
"Because when the words "Buffy" and "bar" are in the same sentence, that's usually what it means." He raised an eyebrow. "Are you leading up to something luv?"
She said accusingly, "You thought I was lying!!"
He just looked at her. "I knew you were hurt. I wanted to find out how. You said barfight, and I believed you. By the way, you were lying." His eyes were boring holes in her. "You said that your opponent was [i]a[/i] human. Instead of [i]three[/i] Tralfgor demons."
She dropped her eyes momentarily, for a moment forgetting that was indeed the case. She was suddenly flustered. "B-Well. I. Well, I killed them, anyway."
"That doesn't matter to me, luv." He sighed, turned over so that his back was to her. "I'm trying so hard to get you to trust me. I've done everything I possibly could, and then some. I want to be able to trust you, too."
She dropped her head, wanting so badly to place a hand on the back presented to her. "I didn't kill the third one. I just... didn't want you after it. I had this all reasoned out in my head last night. It wasn't a lie if you didn't find out."
Another sigh. "I am the king of reasoned excuses, luv. But it's only a matter of time before you've used so many excuses that you forget why you're even trying. All I want is for you to be safe. It's taken me six years, your death and ressurection, and the return of my soul to figure that out. Please don't let it take you that long. It will eat you alive. Believe me, I know."
She placed her hand on his back gently. " I already have figured it out. It took a left behind duster for me. A duster that smelled like blood, and cigarettes, and... Spike."
He turned back over, looked at her. "My duster? How did it help you do anything?" He was obviously confused. Or maybe he just wanted to hear her say it.
She nodded slowly. "It... was part of who I lost. I'm... new at no excuses, Spike. I'm... a little scared. they're not gonna disappear overnight."
"I understand that, luv," he said, gently placing a hand on her knee. "I'm not asking that they do. Just that we *both* try." He grinned. "But if this morning has been any indication, I'm definitely liking where we're headed."
She looked at his hand on her knee, and bit her lip. Spike always read her eyes too easily, and she didn't want to know how well they could handle desire yet.Thinking her eyes were under her own control again, she looked up, smiled brightly. "I like where we're headed, too."
Sensing her change in mood, Spike quickly removed his hand and rolled back over. "Sorry."
The fake smile fled quickly. "Stop doing that." It came out sharper than she had intended.
Spike flinched. "Stop doing what?"
She sighed, frustrated. "Don't... turn your back on me as soon as things get a little harder to deal with! I can't... It feels like... horrible! Like you're ashamed."
He rolled back over quickly. "No! Luv, I'm not ashamed. I love you. I just,.. I don't like you seeing me.. when I, when I feel like crying." He snorted disersivly. "Bloody Poofter, that's what I am. Same as Peaches."
She rolled her eyes. "You and Angel shouldn't be in the same universe. You don't have to cry.. but.. it's ok if you want to."
"That's just it, I don't want to. It just happens," he muttered, swiping at his eyes. "Bloody annoying, that's what it is. Soddin' soul."
She smiled affectionately. "It'll take a bit, but you'll get over the tears thing." She said archly, "Pretty soon you'll just be brooding."
"No!", he said with a fake yelp. "Not that, anything but that. Slayer, please save me from the terrible "Brood"!"
Laughing, she play-punched him in the arm. "You are too mean to Angel."
He chuckled. "Aw, come on, luv. Tell me how you really feel."
The smile slipped from her face, and she reached a hand toward his face, then pulled it back slightly.
Slightly confused, he looked up at her. "What's wrong, luv? Was it something I said?"
She shook her head slightly. She reached out again with her hand, barely brushing his cheek with her fingers. "I just... I don't know the rules anymore. I don't know if I can touch you, or how much, or-"
He gently took her hand, guided it to his cheek. "It's always been my experience, that when you don't know the rules, it's time to make up a new set." He leaned his head into her hand. "You can touch me whenever you want to, luv. I trust you. Anything from a tickle to a hug." He made a face. "Well, I'll have to think about the tickling thing."
She smiled softly, ran her hand over his cheek, traced his lips, then moved up to his forehead, and down to his other cheek, down his nose. "I was. Scared that night. But I've missed you." She let a finger linger at the corner of his mouth, then pulled her hand back.
She took a deep breath. "I trust you... on all counts but the pig. You can touch me." She added uncertainly, "If you want to."
His eyes lit up, and he carefully reached a hand toward her face. He repeated the gesture that she had made with him. "I missed you, too. Thought about you all the time. I love you... so much." A single tear blazed a trail down his cheek. "Things always were so easy with the others. Dru, and Harmony. With Dru, after you learned to read her moods, it was easy. Unless she wanted something and I couldn't get it. That was always bad. With Harm... Well, let's just say that you wouldn't want to play "Twenty Questions" with the girl." He snorted. "I should know. I did."
She smiled. "I dont' recommend it with Dawn either." Her hands twisted restlessly in her lap. "What are... um... other rules?"
"I don't know," he said, laying back down. "That was mine. Now it's your turn."
She shook her head. "It was... so selfish last time... this time we need to- " She was frustrated at her lack of eloquence. "I want this to be about both of us."
"Ok." He thought for a moment. "How about you knock before entering my crypt?"
Buffy nodded. "You don't take stuff of mine anymore? Or spy in trees?"
"Yeah, deal. Only I wasn't spying."
She arched her brow. "Because that's the first time you've ever been up that tree?"
He grinned sheepishly. "Well, no. But I don't like the term 'spying'. Makes me sound like James Bond. I prefer 'selective observation'."
She smiled, then moved on. "Your turn."
"You sure? Mine next one's a big one."
She bit her bottom lip, and nodded.
"We tell your pals from the get go. I never liked all that sneaking around. And I have another one."
She frowned, missing her turn, but nodded patiently.
"I get to be an official member of the Scooby Gang. Meaning Harris has to sod off and leave me alone." He grinned. "Now you can have two."
"I want-don't want us to-" She shrugged. "Ya know."
He nodded sagely. "Is there a time limit on this one? Or is it a forever thing? Because I'm fine either way."
She almost melted from relief, but said, "Till we're ready. Till it won't hurt us."
"You got it. My next one's just a suggestion, not a rule, ok?"
She nodded.
"After a long, hard patrol, your muscles have got to hurt, right?"
She gave a small shrug and nod.
"How about I give you a massage? Only when you ask, of course. And I don't even ask for anything in return. No catch."
She took a deep breath. "Ok... Can I return the favor, if I ever, ya know, want to?"
He had not been expecting that. "Uh, yeah. Sure, I guess." He raised an eyebrow. "But you've got to promise something."
"All right... But I'm still a rule behind."
He poked her ribs gently. "No tickling. That's all I ask. Now you can catch up."
She squirmed gently. "Ok. Buy a blue shirt." She paused. "Please."
"Are you serious? 'Buy a blue shirt'? That's a rule?"
She grinned. "Blue shirt.Darker blue. But not... Confuse-able with black blue."
He chuckled. "Ok, but may I ask why?"
She shrugged. "Want to see if it'll make your eyes even more pretty."
She could have sworn he blushed. "I have pretty eyes?"
She smiled. "Way pretty. One more rule. But it's kinda yours."
"Ok, shoot." He quickly amended. "Not literally, just in case you've got a crossbow in your pajamas."
She snorted derisively at him. "Please. It's under my mattress." Seriously she added, "What are... kissing rules?"
"Whoa, luv. That one's yours to make up. I don't want to say anything that might make you use that crossbow."
She shook her head again. "No, Spike. I want to.. respect any boundaries you set this time around."
He swallowed, considering. "Alright. Uh, let's start slow, agreed?"
"Yeah."
"How about... no tongues. Untill we feel we're ready. And then only if you want to, that is."
She nodded hastily, knowing she hadn't gone that in-depth about kissing since 6th grade health class.
"And I have a little question. Can we kiss in front of your friends?"
"If we feel comfortable doing it. We're not putting on a show, or out to prove anything." She shook her head. "Scratch that." "If *you* feel comfortable doing it."
His eyes welled for an instant, but Buffy had been right, and he was getting better at controling it. "Really?" There was no way that she'd noticed that, he thought.
She took a deep breath, and nodded. Pretended to ignore his almost-tears.
"Then I have one more question, and understand that you don't have to answer it, if you don't want to."
"All right."
He swallowed. "Do you... How do you feel? About me, I mean." That was close, he'd almost said 'Do you love me?'. This was not the time, unless she said it.
She almost opted for no answer. But that wasn't fair. And not trusting at all. "I... care about you. What you think, and feel, and say. I care what happens to you, and with you. I like being with you. I think... that I like you. A lot." Her head snapped up. "One more rule?"
"Your turn." Well, she'd practicly said it. Good enough for now.
She should have given him more time to absorb her words, but it made her uncomfortable, the silence. "No more sleepovers unless we're in the living room. I have to look out for Dawn. Ya know, example."
He frowned slightly, but nodded. "Alright, luv. Your house, your rules. But you know I love her, too."
Her eyes grew wide. "I don't think you'd hurt her, Spike." She unthinkingly laid a hand on his cheek. "I haven't thought that for a long time." She grinned ruefully. "I just don't wanna walk in her room one day, her have a boy in her sheets, and say, 'Well, you and Spike'..."
He laughed. "If that did happen, the boy wouldn't leave the house alive."
She nodded. "Couldn't let that happen..."
"Heaven forbid."
She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Can I ask you something?"
He layed on his back and spread his arms wide. "You're lookin' at an open book, luv. What's on your mind?"
"I know... You still love me. But... after everything... Do you still-still want me?"
His eyes opened wide. He didn't know what he had been expecting, but that hadn't been it. "Luv,... Buffy. Of course I do. You're... my everything. I will never not want you."
She felt sheepish and stupid. "Oh."
He smiled up at her. "What were you expecting?" He squirmed around a little, using a lump in the sheets to scratch an annoying, unreachable itch. "Bloody mosquitos."
She shrugged. "I dunno. Want me to itch?"
"Huh?" he said, slightly confused by her phrasing.
"Want me to scratch your back?"
"Really? You do know what that does to vampires, right luv? We're like cats, in some ways. Liking being touched is one of them." He grinned, rolling onto his stomach. "If you still want to, though..."
She smiled at his silliness, and pulled up the back of shirt to scratch at his back. She stopped short, and she ran her hands over the scars. "Oh my God. Spike, what did you do??"
"Huh? Oh, those." He looked over his shoulder. "Well, some of them are old, most of those are from having a church dropped on my back. And the new ones are from the trials that I had to go through to earn this soddin' soul."
She frowned, and attempted to dismiss them as easily as he did. She scratched gently by the mosquito bite.
Spike layed his head on his hands, and a low rumble began to echo from his chest. He was purring.
She smiled, slightly puzzled. Attempted not to laugh, and scratched a tiny bit harder. In response to the scratching, the purr increased in volume, untill Spike was practicly vibrating. Apparently, he hadn't been kidding about the cat thing.
Buffy finally had enough and quit, rocking with silent laughter. She pulled his shirt back down, and patted his back. She was also, very diligently, not thinking about what his purring had triggered in her.
It took a moment for the purr to completely stop. After it did, Spike rolled slightly over, looking at the Slayer. "Why'd you stop, luv? That was bloody wonderful."
She shrugged. "I didn't wanna hurt your skin." She finally laid back down beside him.
"Don't worry, luv," he said with a playful flexing of his bicep. "I'm tough. Remember?"
She laughed quietly. "Do we have any more rules?"
He thought for a moment. "Well, I don't think I have anymore. Do you?"
She shook her head negatively. "Rule list is complete."
He yawned. "That's good." He snuggled down beside her, tentitivly putting an arm around her.
She rolled on her side, ignoring the fast-fading twinge of pain. "Spike...?"
"Yeah, luv?"
"We kinda trust eachother right?"
He chuckled. "You could say that."
She was suddenly unsure again, reaching out a tentative hand to his shoulder, then softly at his cheek. She took a deep breath, whispered quietly, "May I kiss you?"
He smiled. "Anytime you want, luv. I'm all yours."
She licked her lips nervously, then leaned across to him, and brushed her lips gently across his. It was a tender kiss, so unlike the ones before, heated with passion and fire. But this one had something more important, trust, and hope. They pulled apart, resting their foreheads against eachother. Finally, Spike spoke up. "Are you sure about the no sleepover thing? Cause I kind of like the way this one went."
She smiled. "Me, too. But I'm sure. Spike?"
"Yeah?"
"I know that... You want me to say... stuff. And I've said some stuff... But I can't say the stuff you really want me to right now. It's just-"
"Too much stuff?"
"Well, I know I can't say all the stuff you want to hear... But, I want you to know...I respect you."
He smiled. "I respect you, too, Buffy. More than anyone I've ever known."
She smiled softly. "Come on. I think it's time to go beg for some pancakes."
TBC...
Laaaaaa!!!! More tomorrow!!! lol So... anyone been watching the repeats... Yeah... Gone is such a yummy episode. Spike gets his clothes ripped off. *sigh* Let me tell ya... to be PAID to do stuff like that... *sighs again* Anyway! Drop us a line!
Always. Tequila Sunrise
I've been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But my flesh is so weak And the ashes all scatter But I think it's about Forgivness, forgivness Even if, even if You don't love me anymore
That night, Buffy sat in front of her vanity, running a brush through her shortened locks. She stared blankly at the mirror, hearing her own words echo through her head.
"No lies, Spike."
"No lies," she muttered to herself. She hadn't known what to expect when she had gone to his crypt. Certainly not the horridly candid breakdowns they'd both had. So, she lied. She had lied to Spike before.
But why? Buffy snorted at herself. 'Because telling him you got your ass kicked by a group of demons at Willie's when you were asking if anyone had heard from him is embarassing.'
She focused on her face in the mirror. That wasn't it. She had been embarassed in front of Spike before. No big. And Mirror Buffy knew. She smacked her brush down on her vanity. "So what? I lied! He's lied to me!"
She refused to pace. That would mean she was worried, or felt guilty. Why was it so hard to tell him, "I got my ass kicked looking for you?" It was the whole 'looking for him' part that was so hard to get out. Would mean admitting... Well, things she didn't want to admit.
Changing quickly into pajamas and sliding into bed, Buffy paused with her hand on the lamp. It wasn't a lie if he didn't follow up on it. She gave a half-hearted grin. Chip and soul equals no killing of people who didn't really hurt Buffy. She clicked the light off. It wasn't a lie if he didn't ask.
**********************************************
Spike had been sitting in the tree outside Buffy's window since right after he saw her light go off. He kept thinking about their conversations/emotional breakdowns earlier that evening. She had really been nice to him, he fingered the guardian angel charm that was now attached to his chain. Took a deep, unnessisary breath, and tapped on the window...
Buffy snorted oh-so-ladylike, and tossed a bit more in her sleep, deep and restless.
Spike tapped again, and, when that didn't elicit a response, he turned to leave. Then the light went on...
She turned to face the window, her face not quite alert, but lucid. "Hello?"
Spike turned around, and gave a half wave, as if to say, "You don't have to let me in, I'll leave."
She shook her head vehemently. Waved him in. She smiled, happy to see him, but panicing, remembering her actions. She cracked open her window, ushering him in.
"Thanks, luv," Spike said with a minor shiver. "It was getting a bit cold out." He crawled over the windowsill and found himself right next to her bed.
She could feel the air getting in, nodded in agreement, and closed it. Sat at her vanity. "What's up?"
He tried to be nonchlant. "Well, not much, really. I was just over at Willys.." He trailed off, hoping that she would get the hint, that he was on to her.
She arched her brows, politely interested. "Cool. Beat anyone at pool?" She prayed silently, [i]Please no.... no no no no no..[/i] She picked up the brush she had thrown down earlier that night, and began to brush her hair out again.
"Yeah, I heard a few things that were interesting." He picked up Mr. Gordo and sat down on the bed, still holding the pig. "Seems that barfight you got into earlier was at Willys."
She stared intently at her hero, Mr. Gordo. "Oh?" She lowered the brush, set it back on the vanity.
Spike stroked the pig gently, absently. "Yeah, and a certain source tells me that you were looking for someone... Namely, me."
She bit her bottom lip gently, still knowing Mr. Gordo had all the answers. "Certain source, huh?"
"Yeah." He leaned forward, handing Mr. Gordo to the Slayer. "Sheesh, calm down, luv. I'm not mad at you."
She unconsciously cuddled the pig to her stomach. Looked at him through her lashes. "I just- Oh. Well... Ok?"
He leaned back on an elbow, across the foot of her bed. "I'm just a bit curious as to what made you want to see me so bad that you started a fight with three Tralfgor demons."
She stared at him fiercely. "Did. Not. Start. Finished, debatable. I just..."
"Yeah?"
'Wanted to check on you' floated through her mind and was dismissed. "Was looking."
"For?"
Now she stroked Mr. Gordo. "You."
He grinned. "But that still doesn't answer my question. Why were you looking for me?" He was at least going to get an, "I was concerned about you" out of her. If not an, "I wanted to tell you that I love you." That was too much to hope for.
Buffy turned in her seat slightly to look in the mirror. Mirror Buffy was demanding penance. Spike had bared his... well, soul. "I wanted to... to check on you."
"Checking" was good. "Well thanks, luv. But I was fine. Why didn't you just come right to the crypt? You ended up there anyway." He dropped his gaze. "Unless... unless you were afraid of what I'd do... again..." Tears were threatening to fall. He'd promised himself never to think about what had almost happened, and yet... Here it was again.
Buffy wanted to pull her jammas tighter. "I just... I knew you were gone... I didn't know if you'd.. tell me if you got back... I didn't want Xander to find you first." She passed back Mr. Gordo.
Spike actually hugged the pig, rolling over on his back. "Sorry. I just... I had something that I had to do. I.. went to see someone. An old... friend."
She nodded. "I didn't know what I'd do if I saw you right off... I just wanted to know... and the demons.. well, they don't like me."
"At the risk of sounding like a certain Key, duh," Spike chuckled as he said this. But he still clutched the pig.
Buffy snorted a small laugh.
Spike smiled at her, and yawned, again vamping out for an instant. "Bugger. I hate it when this happens."
Buffy just shrugged. "Better than vamping out on someone the first time you kiss 'em." She looked at him. "Spike?"
He looked at her, upside-down, and shook off the vampire visage. "Uh, I didn't do that, did I?"
She shook her head. "Nopers. Mark that one off to an Angel. We're... ok, right?"
He grinned. "I'm okay if you're okay." He glanced at the window. "I'd better be going. Need time to get back to the crypt and all that..." He was shocked at Buffy's interuption.
"Do you want to... sleep here?"
"Isn't Rupert on the couch?", he said, thinking that he'd missunderstood her.
She wanted to duck her head, but made herself keep her eyes on his. Maybe they had grown up a little bit in the past months. "Yeah. You can stay up here... With me."
He swallowed. Blinked, swallowed again. "On the... floor?"
She frowned. "You're not a dog, Spike."
"Arf?"
This time Buffy did downcast her eyes. "I just meant... We wouldn't... But if you wanted to... But only on the condition that I get Mr. Gordo."
Spike laughed. "You can have 'im, luv." He glanced around. "Me, I've always liked this stuffed horse.."
Smiling, she grabbed Mr. Gordo, and snuggled under the covers,
Spike removed his shoes, and crawled in after her, then turned off the light. Within a few moments, they were both asleep. Slayer and vampire, snuggled close together, in the same bed. Spike's last concious thought was, [i]I'm sure glad she has thick blinds...[/i]
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Buffy woke up slowly, Mr. Gordo squashed between her and... Spike. She cracked open her eyes to assess the situation. She was curled toward him, and his hand was resting on her hip. She glanced up at his face, he was still asleep. Last night had been hard. Nervewracking. And he had stayed by her. She smiled softly, for the first time not regretting waking next to him.
Spike twitched in his sleep, muscles jumping as his body struggled with some unseen force within his mind. He was obviously having a nightmare.
Her smile faded, and she reached a hand toward his face, resting her hand on his cheek, murmuring comfortingly.
Spike twitched again. He could smell her, she was close, but that wasn't possible, was it? He was a monster, he had let her die. Everything had been a dream... He suddenly started awake, sitting bolt upright in the bed, letting out a sound that was a cross between a yelp and a whimper. "What! Where?.." He glanced around, getting his bearings. Then he saw her. "Buffy?"
She was staring at him, caring in her eyes. She ran a hand over his tousled curls. "Hey." Her hand traveled lower, she scooted closer, rubbing circles on his back.
He leaned into her touch. "Sorry, luv. I guess I... Had a bad dream, that's all." He pulled away, even though he didn't want to, and layed back down. "Bloody, sodding nightmares. Stupid soul..", he muttered.
She frowned, laid down next to him, her head on his shoulder. "What happened?"
"Aww, it's always the same. It's like an instant replay of everyone I've killed.." He glanced at her. "Every time I've failed. And it always ends in the same damn place..." He slipped an arm around her. "Two things at once... What I di.. Almost did to you.." He closed his eyes. "And when you jumped.." The last part was said in a quiet whisper.
Buffy internally flinched at the memory in her bathroom. She leaned her head against Spike's, whispered, "You're not to blame for that. I would jump.... every day for the rest of my life if I had to."
"Somehow, that doesn't help much," he responded. "It still leaves me in a world with out you. It's like a world without... sunshine. And, believe me, that isn't a nice way to live."
She rocked slightly to the left, then right. "I'm back. And it wasn't ideal... and it wasn't easy. But I... I like who we are now, Spike. I think I've taken my life back. I gave myself sunshine." She said contemplatively, "I'm... Happy with life, most times. I... Enjoy the people I love."
He looked at her, gently stroking her hair. "You like who we are, eh?" He raised an eyebrow in a playful manner. "Are you saying you like me?" He delibrately avoided the big "L" word. Now was not the time.
Buffy swallowed. She had spent a lot of time contemplating that question since he had left. "I've always enjoyed you. But yeah..." She shoved a gentle elbow to his side. "I think I like you." She grinned impishly at him.
Spike let out a snort of laughter at the unexpected poke to his ribs. "Enjoyed me? And you admit that you like me? Now, how does one go about organizing a parade?"
She grinned, and rolled her eyes. "Bite me ."
"I am a little hungry."
She arched a brow at him. "... I can't smell the pancakes cooking yet, so we can still sleep in." Her eyes widened. "Oh. I can get you blood."
He smiled at her honest attempt. "No thanks, luv. I was joking. I'm much too comfortable to get up now."
"I'm not." She plopped back onto the bed, sprawled out. "Now I am." She tossed him a baleful look. "Mr. Gordo says you're a blanket hog." She jerked them toward herself, and snuggled down into them.
"Fine choice of words, for a pig." He picked up the stuffed animal. "What else have you been saying about me, Pinky?"
With an indignant gasp, she reached up for her pig. "Don't SAY mean things like that!"
She reached for the pig, but Spike delibrately held it up out of her reach. He wanted to see what she would do to get it back. Little did he know that he'd given something away by laughing when she'd poked him earlier...
Buffy glared at him. "I knew you were evil. Steal a girl's pig? Doesn't that rate up there with babies and candy?"
He held it up, playfully taunting her with it. "Come on, Slayer. Get it back." He was holding it up in the air, lying on his back. Buffy was beginning to see an oppertunity.
She smiled slyly. "Well, I'm evil, too. Just so ya know." She pounced him quickly, running her fingers over his ribs. "Gimme the pig, boy." She tickled mercilessly.
Spike dropped the pig almost immediatly, convulsing in a fit of helpless laughter. "Luv! Ahh!! Stop it!"
She swiped the pig behind her, but kept up her attack. "Apologize for treating Mr. Gordo with less respect than you do a poker kitten."
"I'm sorry! I appologize for everything I've ever done to anyone!", he yelped, continuing to squirm. "I love Mr. Gordo! Just please stop!!"
She paused for half a second to consider. And kept tickling. "And for being a blanket hog?"
"YES!! I'm a horrible person... And I'll never hog blankets, or anything ever again." She was torturing him, going full on ribs and stomach now.
Dawn chose that moment to storm into Buffy's room. "It is 9:30 am, Saturday morning. WHY ARE YOU MAKING NOISE!?!?" The Key stood in the doorway, radiating irritation. Her eyes flashed and her hair was slightly tousled. Her Hello Kitty pajamas were askew, and her hands were fisted on her hips.
Spike looked up, desparation in his blue eyes. For even the appearance of her sister hadn't been enough to deter the Slayer from her current goal: to tickle Spike to death. "Lil' Bit! HELP!!"
Her sleep glazed eyes suddenly snapped from psychotic teenager mode. "Cool! Ticklefest!" Before coming in the door, she said firmly, "I want an explanation later."
"Oh, nonononono.." Spike blabbered, trying to grab Buffy's hands, but missing by a mile. His usually impecable aim thrown off by his body's squirming reflex.
Tossing her sister a grin, Dawn dove onto the pile of twisted sheets and blankets. "So... who to help?"
"Mememememe!!!", Spike howled, thrashing around desparately.
She threw back her head and laughed. "That was just sad." She poked at Buffy's hips, a secret spot she only knew from years of defending herself from tickle-torture. Buffy sputtered a laugh, still tickling Spike, and bunching up one side away from Dawn's questing hands. Spike managed to gain control of one hand long enough to latch onto Buffy's other side.
Buffy caved to the bed, trying to pull her knees to her chest. "OH! Not fair! Not fair! No double teams!"
For a moment, it looked like Spike and Dawn had the upper hand, but they had forgotten one crusial thing: Buffy had Slayer strength and speed, even when being tickled. She poked both Dawn and Spike in the ribs, and while they squirmed, sped off the bed. She tossed her hair back, trying to look authoratative in her pj's. "Now. That's enough."
Spike rolled onto his back, his chest heaving with deep, unnessisary breaths. After a couple of post hysterical laughter hic-ups, that apparently even affected the undead, he looked at Buffy, upside down. "Don't you ever do that again, luv."
She glanced at him self-righteously. "Don't take the pig. I protect it like Dawn."
Dawn glanced at him with huge eyes. "You [i]*stole*[/i] Mr. Gordo??"
"I picked him up and held him up in the air. He didn't even leave the room. That's not stealing," he said defensivly, with a glare at Buffy. "And it doesn't warrent exploiting a person's worst weakness, either."
Buffy and Dawn nodded in unison. "It SOOO does," the teen clarified. "I'd shed blood for Rhino the rhino."
"You named your rhino, "Rhino"?", Spike asked. Upon seeing the looks on the sister's faces, he quickly backpedaled, rather than start another ticklefight. "Not that there's anything wrong with that. Perfectly normal."
Dawn nodded firmly. "It is. Rhino is the perfect man." She squished her face up. "Ya know, considering."
"Considering that he's a rhino? Or stuffed?", Spike asked, rolling onto his stomach. The better to defend from any further attacks.
Buffy considered it safe to sit on the bed again. Dawn fielded the question. "M... both. So. Explain. Because... like.. I so will not have freaky sexscapades going on under this roof."
Spike's jaw dropped for an instant. "Lil' Bit!"
She arched a brow at him. "Don't Li'l Bit me. We had a big girl talk Spike. I can take it." She rolled her eyes at him. "Cuz like... I've never HEARD of sex, or... anything."
"You shouldn't for at least five more years," he muttered.
She patted his tousled hair. "How cute. You don't think I've.." Dawn's eyes popped, and she snapped her jaw shut. "You're stalling."
"Am not. I'm just waitin' for the Slayer to explain." He cocked his head to the side. "Well, luv? Want to tell your sis why I'm sleeping in your room? I'm kind of ancious to know why you didn't kick me out myself."
Buffy shot him a hasty glare. "First off. No I don't think you've... well, if you have, the boy will be eating something of his own on a bun with mustard." She nodded emphatically. "And.. secondly.. Spike came over late last night... and we.. discussed some things."
Spike let out a chuckle at the hot dog comment.
"And... They were things we needed to talk about. And when we were done... It was... ya know.. about sunrise. So I told him he could stay here. Because we trust him."
"You do?", Spike asked incredulusly.
She narrowed her eyes at him. "I don't know anymore. You can't trust a pig stealing blanket hog."
Dawn hugged Spike shyly. "I trust a pig stealing blanket hog."
If it had been possible, Spike would have blushed.
Spike blinked a few times in rapid succession, trying not to make it too obvious that he was fighting back tears of happiness. "I'm not all bad, you know. And I think you got your revenge for the pig stealing, and the blanket hogging. No one's ever done that to me before."
Buffy smiled. "No, you're not all bad." She looked at him speculatively. "I don't think you ever have been."
"Yeah, I have!", Spike said vemently. Then he paused, turned thoughtful. "No, you're right."
Dawn detangled herself from Spike. "If I go to my room, wait ten minutes, THEN will it be ok to wake Giles up and beg for breakfast?"
Buffy smiled at Spike and Dawn. "Just go back to sleep, Dawn. At eleven we'll wake Giles up and beg."
"I do a real good impression of a wimpering puppy," Spike joked. "I could probably talk him out of some scraps."
Buffy laughed. "I think we'll let you eat at the table today boy."
"Oh, goody."
Dawn rolled her eyes at them. "You are... too wierd for words." She yawned hugely. Looked surprised at herself for it. "I am so crashing."
"Night, Niblet," Spike said, then corrected himself. "Or is that mornin'?"
She shrugged. "S'long as it means sleep." With that, she shut the door behind her.
Spike rolled over again, so that his head was right next to Buffy's leg as she sat on the bed. "Now what?"
She regarded him seriously. "Now I get to ask why."
"Why? Why what?" He looked annoyed at himself. "That was not a sentence. That was a disaster of questions."
"Why did you ask after me at Willie's?"
"Oh, that's easy. Cause I was worried about you. You said that you'd been in a barfight. When I found out that there hadn't been one at the Bronze, that was the next place I checked."
Her brow furrowed. "And why did you inquire into one at the bronze?"
"Because when the words "Buffy" and "bar" are in the same sentence, that's usually what it means." He raised an eyebrow. "Are you leading up to something luv?"
She said accusingly, "You thought I was lying!!"
He just looked at her. "I knew you were hurt. I wanted to find out how. You said barfight, and I believed you. By the way, you were lying." His eyes were boring holes in her. "You said that your opponent was [i]a[/i] human. Instead of [i]three[/i] Tralfgor demons."
She dropped her eyes momentarily, for a moment forgetting that was indeed the case. She was suddenly flustered. "B-Well. I. Well, I killed them, anyway."
"That doesn't matter to me, luv." He sighed, turned over so that his back was to her. "I'm trying so hard to get you to trust me. I've done everything I possibly could, and then some. I want to be able to trust you, too."
She dropped her head, wanting so badly to place a hand on the back presented to her. "I didn't kill the third one. I just... didn't want you after it. I had this all reasoned out in my head last night. It wasn't a lie if you didn't find out."
Another sigh. "I am the king of reasoned excuses, luv. But it's only a matter of time before you've used so many excuses that you forget why you're even trying. All I want is for you to be safe. It's taken me six years, your death and ressurection, and the return of my soul to figure that out. Please don't let it take you that long. It will eat you alive. Believe me, I know."
She placed her hand on his back gently. " I already have figured it out. It took a left behind duster for me. A duster that smelled like blood, and cigarettes, and... Spike."
He turned back over, looked at her. "My duster? How did it help you do anything?" He was obviously confused. Or maybe he just wanted to hear her say it.
She nodded slowly. "It... was part of who I lost. I'm... new at no excuses, Spike. I'm... a little scared. they're not gonna disappear overnight."
"I understand that, luv," he said, gently placing a hand on her knee. "I'm not asking that they do. Just that we *both* try." He grinned. "But if this morning has been any indication, I'm definitely liking where we're headed."
She looked at his hand on her knee, and bit her lip. Spike always read her eyes too easily, and she didn't want to know how well they could handle desire yet.Thinking her eyes were under her own control again, she looked up, smiled brightly. "I like where we're headed, too."
Sensing her change in mood, Spike quickly removed his hand and rolled back over. "Sorry."
The fake smile fled quickly. "Stop doing that." It came out sharper than she had intended.
Spike flinched. "Stop doing what?"
She sighed, frustrated. "Don't... turn your back on me as soon as things get a little harder to deal with! I can't... It feels like... horrible! Like you're ashamed."
He rolled back over quickly. "No! Luv, I'm not ashamed. I love you. I just,.. I don't like you seeing me.. when I, when I feel like crying." He snorted disersivly. "Bloody Poofter, that's what I am. Same as Peaches."
She rolled her eyes. "You and Angel shouldn't be in the same universe. You don't have to cry.. but.. it's ok if you want to."
"That's just it, I don't want to. It just happens," he muttered, swiping at his eyes. "Bloody annoying, that's what it is. Soddin' soul."
She smiled affectionately. "It'll take a bit, but you'll get over the tears thing." She said archly, "Pretty soon you'll just be brooding."
"No!", he said with a fake yelp. "Not that, anything but that. Slayer, please save me from the terrible "Brood"!"
Laughing, she play-punched him in the arm. "You are too mean to Angel."
He chuckled. "Aw, come on, luv. Tell me how you really feel."
The smile slipped from her face, and she reached a hand toward his face, then pulled it back slightly.
Slightly confused, he looked up at her. "What's wrong, luv? Was it something I said?"
She shook her head slightly. She reached out again with her hand, barely brushing his cheek with her fingers. "I just... I don't know the rules anymore. I don't know if I can touch you, or how much, or-"
He gently took her hand, guided it to his cheek. "It's always been my experience, that when you don't know the rules, it's time to make up a new set." He leaned his head into her hand. "You can touch me whenever you want to, luv. I trust you. Anything from a tickle to a hug." He made a face. "Well, I'll have to think about the tickling thing."
She smiled softly, ran her hand over his cheek, traced his lips, then moved up to his forehead, and down to his other cheek, down his nose. "I was. Scared that night. But I've missed you." She let a finger linger at the corner of his mouth, then pulled her hand back.
She took a deep breath. "I trust you... on all counts but the pig. You can touch me." She added uncertainly, "If you want to."
His eyes lit up, and he carefully reached a hand toward her face. He repeated the gesture that she had made with him. "I missed you, too. Thought about you all the time. I love you... so much." A single tear blazed a trail down his cheek. "Things always were so easy with the others. Dru, and Harmony. With Dru, after you learned to read her moods, it was easy. Unless she wanted something and I couldn't get it. That was always bad. With Harm... Well, let's just say that you wouldn't want to play "Twenty Questions" with the girl." He snorted. "I should know. I did."
She smiled. "I dont' recommend it with Dawn either." Her hands twisted restlessly in her lap. "What are... um... other rules?"
"I don't know," he said, laying back down. "That was mine. Now it's your turn."
She shook her head. "It was... so selfish last time... this time we need to- " She was frustrated at her lack of eloquence. "I want this to be about both of us."
"Ok." He thought for a moment. "How about you knock before entering my crypt?"
Buffy nodded. "You don't take stuff of mine anymore? Or spy in trees?"
"Yeah, deal. Only I wasn't spying."
She arched her brow. "Because that's the first time you've ever been up that tree?"
He grinned sheepishly. "Well, no. But I don't like the term 'spying'. Makes me sound like James Bond. I prefer 'selective observation'."
She smiled, then moved on. "Your turn."
"You sure? Mine next one's a big one."
She bit her bottom lip, and nodded.
"We tell your pals from the get go. I never liked all that sneaking around. And I have another one."
She frowned, missing her turn, but nodded patiently.
"I get to be an official member of the Scooby Gang. Meaning Harris has to sod off and leave me alone." He grinned. "Now you can have two."
"I want-don't want us to-" She shrugged. "Ya know."
He nodded sagely. "Is there a time limit on this one? Or is it a forever thing? Because I'm fine either way."
She almost melted from relief, but said, "Till we're ready. Till it won't hurt us."
"You got it. My next one's just a suggestion, not a rule, ok?"
She nodded.
"After a long, hard patrol, your muscles have got to hurt, right?"
She gave a small shrug and nod.
"How about I give you a massage? Only when you ask, of course. And I don't even ask for anything in return. No catch."
She took a deep breath. "Ok... Can I return the favor, if I ever, ya know, want to?"
He had not been expecting that. "Uh, yeah. Sure, I guess." He raised an eyebrow. "But you've got to promise something."
"All right... But I'm still a rule behind."
He poked her ribs gently. "No tickling. That's all I ask. Now you can catch up."
She squirmed gently. "Ok. Buy a blue shirt." She paused. "Please."
"Are you serious? 'Buy a blue shirt'? That's a rule?"
She grinned. "Blue shirt.Darker blue. But not... Confuse-able with black blue."
He chuckled. "Ok, but may I ask why?"
She shrugged. "Want to see if it'll make your eyes even more pretty."
She could have sworn he blushed. "I have pretty eyes?"
She smiled. "Way pretty. One more rule. But it's kinda yours."
"Ok, shoot." He quickly amended. "Not literally, just in case you've got a crossbow in your pajamas."
She snorted derisively at him. "Please. It's under my mattress." Seriously she added, "What are... kissing rules?"
"Whoa, luv. That one's yours to make up. I don't want to say anything that might make you use that crossbow."
She shook her head again. "No, Spike. I want to.. respect any boundaries you set this time around."
He swallowed, considering. "Alright. Uh, let's start slow, agreed?"
"Yeah."
"How about... no tongues. Untill we feel we're ready. And then only if you want to, that is."
She nodded hastily, knowing she hadn't gone that in-depth about kissing since 6th grade health class.
"And I have a little question. Can we kiss in front of your friends?"
"If we feel comfortable doing it. We're not putting on a show, or out to prove anything." She shook her head. "Scratch that." "If *you* feel comfortable doing it."
His eyes welled for an instant, but Buffy had been right, and he was getting better at controling it. "Really?" There was no way that she'd noticed that, he thought.
She took a deep breath, and nodded. Pretended to ignore his almost-tears.
"Then I have one more question, and understand that you don't have to answer it, if you don't want to."
"All right."
He swallowed. "Do you... How do you feel? About me, I mean." That was close, he'd almost said 'Do you love me?'. This was not the time, unless she said it.
She almost opted for no answer. But that wasn't fair. And not trusting at all. "I... care about you. What you think, and feel, and say. I care what happens to you, and with you. I like being with you. I think... that I like you. A lot." Her head snapped up. "One more rule?"
"Your turn." Well, she'd practicly said it. Good enough for now.
She should have given him more time to absorb her words, but it made her uncomfortable, the silence. "No more sleepovers unless we're in the living room. I have to look out for Dawn. Ya know, example."
He frowned slightly, but nodded. "Alright, luv. Your house, your rules. But you know I love her, too."
Her eyes grew wide. "I don't think you'd hurt her, Spike." She unthinkingly laid a hand on his cheek. "I haven't thought that for a long time." She grinned ruefully. "I just don't wanna walk in her room one day, her have a boy in her sheets, and say, 'Well, you and Spike'..."
He laughed. "If that did happen, the boy wouldn't leave the house alive."
She nodded. "Couldn't let that happen..."
"Heaven forbid."
She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Can I ask you something?"
He layed on his back and spread his arms wide. "You're lookin' at an open book, luv. What's on your mind?"
"I know... You still love me. But... after everything... Do you still-still want me?"
His eyes opened wide. He didn't know what he had been expecting, but that hadn't been it. "Luv,... Buffy. Of course I do. You're... my everything. I will never not want you."
She felt sheepish and stupid. "Oh."
He smiled up at her. "What were you expecting?" He squirmed around a little, using a lump in the sheets to scratch an annoying, unreachable itch. "Bloody mosquitos."
She shrugged. "I dunno. Want me to itch?"
"Huh?" he said, slightly confused by her phrasing.
"Want me to scratch your back?"
"Really? You do know what that does to vampires, right luv? We're like cats, in some ways. Liking being touched is one of them." He grinned, rolling onto his stomach. "If you still want to, though..."
She smiled at his silliness, and pulled up the back of shirt to scratch at his back. She stopped short, and she ran her hands over the scars. "Oh my God. Spike, what did you do??"
"Huh? Oh, those." He looked over his shoulder. "Well, some of them are old, most of those are from having a church dropped on my back. And the new ones are from the trials that I had to go through to earn this soddin' soul."
She frowned, and attempted to dismiss them as easily as he did. She scratched gently by the mosquito bite.
Spike layed his head on his hands, and a low rumble began to echo from his chest. He was purring.
She smiled, slightly puzzled. Attempted not to laugh, and scratched a tiny bit harder. In response to the scratching, the purr increased in volume, untill Spike was practicly vibrating. Apparently, he hadn't been kidding about the cat thing.
Buffy finally had enough and quit, rocking with silent laughter. She pulled his shirt back down, and patted his back. She was also, very diligently, not thinking about what his purring had triggered in her.
It took a moment for the purr to completely stop. After it did, Spike rolled slightly over, looking at the Slayer. "Why'd you stop, luv? That was bloody wonderful."
She shrugged. "I didn't wanna hurt your skin." She finally laid back down beside him.
"Don't worry, luv," he said with a playful flexing of his bicep. "I'm tough. Remember?"
She laughed quietly. "Do we have any more rules?"
He thought for a moment. "Well, I don't think I have anymore. Do you?"
She shook her head negatively. "Rule list is complete."
He yawned. "That's good." He snuggled down beside her, tentitivly putting an arm around her.
She rolled on her side, ignoring the fast-fading twinge of pain. "Spike...?"
"Yeah, luv?"
"We kinda trust eachother right?"
He chuckled. "You could say that."
She was suddenly unsure again, reaching out a tentative hand to his shoulder, then softly at his cheek. She took a deep breath, whispered quietly, "May I kiss you?"
He smiled. "Anytime you want, luv. I'm all yours."
She licked her lips nervously, then leaned across to him, and brushed her lips gently across his. It was a tender kiss, so unlike the ones before, heated with passion and fire. But this one had something more important, trust, and hope. They pulled apart, resting their foreheads against eachother. Finally, Spike spoke up. "Are you sure about the no sleepover thing? Cause I kind of like the way this one went."
She smiled. "Me, too. But I'm sure. Spike?"
"Yeah?"
"I know that... You want me to say... stuff. And I've said some stuff... But I can't say the stuff you really want me to right now. It's just-"
"Too much stuff?"
"Well, I know I can't say all the stuff you want to hear... But, I want you to know...I respect you."
He smiled. "I respect you, too, Buffy. More than anyone I've ever known."
She smiled softly. "Come on. I think it's time to go beg for some pancakes."
TBC...
Laaaaaa!!!! More tomorrow!!! lol So... anyone been watching the repeats... Yeah... Gone is such a yummy episode. Spike gets his clothes ripped off. *sigh* Let me tell ya... to be PAID to do stuff like that... *sighs again* Anyway! Drop us a line!
Always. Tequila Sunrise