Chapter Forty-One
Motives

Serena's mind was racing. A range of emotions flooded through her as she stood in the middle of the Une's office. Anger, disappointment, fear. A glimpse of hope now only to be a shattered remnant of what Serena thought would potentially be the break she needed.

Serena tried to keep calm and collected, but Heero was doing anything but helping.

"You gave her a gun!?" Heero shouted at Une. His eyes were hard and his jaw clenched. Serena could feel the tension radiating off him.

"I gave her an unloaded weapon," Une corrected Heero as she folded her arms over her chest. A mask of indifference on Une's face. But her brown eyes screamed that Une wasn't in the mood for this.

"Did you know about this!?" Heero turned to Trowa. Trowa only shook his head.

"Serena requested it and I granted her permission," Une said calmly. "She got the information and that's all that matters. Edman isn't dead and can't use any of this against us. I see no harm in it."

"No harm!? She beat him and threatened his life!" Heero seethed.

"It's not the first time we've used these sort of tactics. Serena followed my orders, even if she did take it a little farther than I expected, but I cannot punish her for that."

"I just want to know why you thought it was a smart idea to give her the damn gun in the first place!? She could've easily obtained ammo and shot him on the spot!"

"Serena wouldn't do that," Trowa said. Heero turned steel eyes on him. "Edman was after all our best lead beside herself. Serena knew we needed him and the information he held. She wouldn't be so foolish as to kill him," Trowa said calmly.

It was like they didn't even know she was in the room. Everyone was talking about her but they were never truly seeing her.

"I wasn't going to kill him," Serena finally spoke up for herself. Her anger threatened to spill over. Trying, Serena pushed it aside. She couldn't risk losing it. Not now.

"Then explain to me why you thought using a firearm was a smart idea!?" Heero turned angry eyes to her.

"I wanted to get the information from him." Serena held his eyes. "We got something."

"Like hell we did!" Heero threw up his arms. "Edman gave nothing to help us find out where anyone or anything is!"

"That's not true. We know my suit is still on one of the satellites. We just need to figure out which one."

"That doesn't exactly help us, Serena." Heero leveled her with one of his glares. "What about Edwards? Why were you asking about him?"

"I wanted to know if he was alive or not," Serena shrugged, trying to ignore the look Heero was giving her. While continuing to play her role in pretending like nothing was wrong.

"Why?" Heero growled.

"Doesn't matter why. Gavin is the current leader," Serena hardened her eyes at him. "What we need to do is focus on finding my Gundam and hopefully that'll lead us to Gavin."

"Serena, do you know who Gavin is?" Une asked, clearing her throat.

"Not as much as I'd like. My guess is after Edwards disappeared, roughly two years ago, he stepped in as the leader. He's older and from what I understand has some military background but I don't know if he fought in any of the wars. I can't say I've met him personally but the name is familiar." Serena sighed inwardly. It was the truth but it didn't help their current situation.

"Do you have a first name we can use?" Une sighed when Serena shook her head.

"Like Edwards, he never went by a first name."

"How many others go by last names only?" Trowa asked, jumping into the conversation.

"Anyone who was of higher ranking was allowed to either drop their first name or simply never go by it. Officers working their way up had to use both first and last names. To be honest it's a system I never understood. Like most things…" Serena trailed off.

"So you're saying we're at a standstill as far as finding out any other member's names?" Heero crossed his arms over his chest. Serena dropped her gaze from everyone. A frown mirroring her displeasure.

"Unfortunately, yes. But if we can find out how many satellites are within the L2 and L3 clusters we can start narrowing down the list more. From there we can look," Serena huffed as she folded her arms. "This isn't going to be easy and we're going to need time," Serena said as she brought her eyes to meet Une's. "Even if we find it, getting inside will be the hardest part. It'll be heavily guarded and to be honest, I don't think we have enough people to just go rushing in there. There's a possibility that some of the Mobile Suits will be held there as well. We'd be outnumbered."

"Then what are you suggesting?" Une asked.

"I don't know just yet. Once we find the location then I'll let you know." Serena turned her head away. She could feel her composure slipping.

"Right. We won't be able to do much with the Charity Ball. All of this will have to wait until Monday," Une sighed.

"Shit," Serena mumbled.

"What was that, Lowell?"

"I want permission to attend the Ball," Serena said, turning back to Une.

"No," Heero said sternly. "That's too much of a risk."

"Everything's a risk with you." Serena glared at Heero. "You're going to need more help and I can provide that help."

"Heero's right. It's too much of a risk if you were there. Who's to say we don't have members of congress who are affiliated with ROE?" Une asked.

"That's why I should be there," Serena said strongly. Gritting her teeth, how foolish could they be not to assume that at least one person who was attending the Ball wasn't linked to ROE?

"I'm sorry, but no," Serena swung her head back to Heero. "You'd just be putting not only yourself in danger but others as well. I can't allow that."

"But-"

"My answer is no," Heero cut her off. "End of discussion." Heero's tone left no room for argument. Serena glared at him as she planted her hands on her hips. Serena didn't want to stand down but Heero's steel eyes told her she had lost this battle.

"We'll resume this on Monday. In the meantime," Une started, "Lowell, I want you to keep working on finding the coordinates to where this satellite is. You have five days to present me with something. I think that's more than enough time."

Serena knew the meeting was over long ago. Une looked like she just wanted them out of her office, and Heero kept a firm stance on her not attending the Ball.

"Fine. I'll continue to work on finding a location," Serena said.

Before Une could dismiss them, Serena turned on her heel heading for the door.

Serena left Preventer headquarters without so much as a word to Trowa. She wasn't even concerned about who may have seen her as she walked through the halls, down the stairs, and out the main entrance. Trowa had been walking steadily behind her till her feet hit the sidewalk. Serena didn't want him driving her back, much less having to talk to him. In reality, she didn't even want to be around Trowa at that moment.

All she wanted was to be alone. Like she had always been.

Her mind was screaming at her that something wasn't right. Whether it was with herself or the whole situation she had been thrust into.

Swirling thoughts passed through Serena as she tried to understand what was going on. Nothing was making sense to her. Even as she replayed the morning in her mind. Serena had tried to stay calm and collected as she could. Till the end at least. Then her anger boiled over. Serena didn't want to lash out at anyone.

Or at least tried not to.

Leaving was the best option. Her only option.

Serena glanced behind her, making sure Trowa wasn't following. With no sight of him, she turned her head back, continuing down the street. She knew the walk back to his apartment would be a good half hour depending on how fast she walked and the routes she took. Slowing her pace, Serena pulled out her phone, shutting it off before pocketing it.

She needed the time to think.

Serena was lying to herself once again that everything would be just fine so long as she kept up the act. Not letting her feelings get in the way of her responsibilities. Responsibilities Serena felt were hers and hers alone. Everything that was happening around her was the result of her actions. If she had never been found by Preventer, they wouldn't have ever known about ROE, let alone her. Serena chose to disclose information to them about the group and herself.

Was any of it worth it though? Had she made the right decision?

Serena was fighting a war with herself. Both halves were struggling for dominance. The one half that was who she truly was. The other half, her sick demented side, wanted nothing more than to tear apart Edman. Something had come over her and Serena knew what it was. What she was supposed to be, but Serena never fully took to the idea.

To be obedient, strong, and powerful, but only when ordered to be.

A fighter by nature and of creation. To never feel or think of others as equals of any kind. Because they weren't. Serena hated it, hated who she had become. Even when all her training and skills had proved useful, there was still the side of her that longed to be someone else. The part of her that wanted to go back to the simpler times. Even as short-lived as it was, Serena was free to think for herself and do as she pleased. But now times were different and so wasn't she.

None of Serena's life experiences had ever prepared her for something like this. A life lived only to serve had become the potential for a life she had always dreamed of. Was she even ready for something like this? Could she handle the repercussions of her actions and involvement with a group hell-bent on destroying the very peace the world had been working so hard towards? Serena knew eventually all her secrets would come to light. Unless she did something and did something now. If she could just…

Shaking her head, Serena tried to dispel the thoughts, only to have them come crashing back down on her.

Edman had done nothing to help her or the agency. It wasn't hard for her to figure that out and Heero had as well. Serena knew her Gundam was going to be moved. She had heard the whispers about the completion. J never said it outright to her, but Serena knew him too well and was able to read between the lines. The list of coordinates on the file Wufei had given her were only more cryptic clues as to where her Gundam was. Or potentially where something else was.

Then again, it could only be one of J's games. But he always seemed to get the desired results he wanted.

Stopping at the crosswalk, Serena took in her surroundings. Nameless faces of people standing all around her going about their daily lives. These people had no idea what would happen to them if Edwards's plans came to fruition.

Standing there Serena realized just how alone she truly was. Her mind started seeping back into itself. Did she choose the right path? To leave and try and stop Edwards and his men before they could have their chance at taking over the world? Or should she have stayed and tried to dispel them from the inside? Serena could've done it, even if it meant dying.

Why did Serena feel such a responsibility to these people? People she didn't even know, much less care about. She could be either their savior or their destroyer.

"Only you are capable of such. Your choices from here on out will change the world as we know it," J's words rang loudly in her head. Serena could change the world with the drop of a hat.

"You will be feared by all who choose to fight against my ruling. You will be victorious in battle and will stand proudly by my side in the end as those fools bow before us. This is your destiny!" Edwards always dreamed big. But Serena never wanted the power. Even when it felt good to...

A small child bumped into Serena as a group of people walked along the street, breaking Serena from her thoughts of the past. The little boy's big brown eyes stared up at her with worry. Did he think she was going to scold him? Or maybe it was because of her expression. Softening her face, Serena smiled at him. He returned the smile before his mother apologized for him running to her before the two made their way past her. A frown re-appearing on her face once they disappeared.

Wasn't that why she was fighting? To protect those who couldn't protect themselves?

Serena had always been fond of children. Even when she wasn't sure how to interact with them. They were the future. They were the next generation that would decide how the world would be. Pure from malicious intents. They didn't judge or care who you were as long as you were kind. Serena half thought it was because she was never a child herself but for a short time, she was able to view the world from a child's perspective. They saw the good in the smallest of things. Always happy and even when they were upset it never lasted long, and how carefree children were. Serena envied them in some ways.

Serena stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. People continued to walk around her. Some mumbled that she needed to move out the way. She glanced around again staring at all the people passing by. While the world wasn't perfect and no one had a perfect life, they were still free to do as they pleased. To have lives and families. To have the ability to walk the streets without fear. Wasn't that what Serena wanted for herself? And for these very individuals to continue to have the same freedom as they did now?

Serena turned her attention back to where she was heading as she began walking again. Her questions about her motives were still at the forefront as she cut down a side street. Serena knew she could get back to the apartment in about ten minutes if she went through some of the back alleys.

But then she realized one small problem.

In her haste to leave HQ, Serena didn't even bother getting the keys to the apartment from Trowa. Grumbling to herself, Serena debated whether or not to turn around and head back, or give in and call him to come let her in.

She didn't have to debate long.

As Serena turned the corner, heading towards Trowa's apartment building she noticed Trowa standing outside by the front door waiting. He glanced up only when she came to stand in front of him.

"I can understand why you're upset and not wanting to talk, but you should've at least taken the keys from me," Trowa said as he turned to unlock the door. Turning back around, Trowa handed her the keys. "I know you expected more from Edman and I do understand why you want to be at the Ball, but unfortunately I have to side with Heero on this," he said. Serena's face fell. How was it he was able to see right through her?

"I can provide extra protection along with finding out if any of the senators are in fact members of ROE."

"I know you can. No one is doubting you, Serena. We're more concerned about if someone recognizes you. Heero has a valid point, we'd be risking too much if you were exposed," Trowa said as he leaned against the door, holding it open for her.

"I can disguise myself enough so no one would know who I am. I don't have any distinct markings on my body." Serena crossed her arms over her chest defensively.

"I know. But it's still too much of a risk, Serena." Serena saw Trowa frown before she turned away from him. "Look, I'm just happy you made it home safely. We can talk more about this later."

Serena said nothing as she took a few steps towards the open door before she felt a hand touch her arm.

"What?" She asked, not bothering to face him. Serena heard Trowa sigh before she felt his hand pull away.

"I guess I'll see you later then?"

"Yeah," Serena said as she made her way into the building.

A/N

Happy Friday!

Let's break down some things, shall we? Heero's pissed and it seems as though Une is on Serena's side. Interesting isn't it? And as always, Trowa is forever faithful in defending Serena and her actions. Props to the boyfriend? What I do want to focus on is Serena's inner thoughts in this chapter.

They got some information from Edman, but clearly, it's not enough and Serena isn't happy. She's also not happy about the fact that it seems as though the people around her are ignoring her in a way? Serena feels very isolated and that may be coming from her past. But at the same time, her anger is getting the best of her. Which is why she felt HQ the way she did.

Serena's inner thoughts in this chapter are important because she's hinting at more information about herself. Like always, she isn't sharing this outwardly with anyone, but it's easy to see the turmoil that's happening within her. Serena longs for a different way of life, something akin to what she's living right now, but because of her past and who she is, she can't let some things go. Luckily for Serena, she isn't so far gone that she doesn't realize how big of a role she's currently playing within society itself. While she's a nameless face to the people around her, aka walking back home, Serena points out how she can either save these people or essentially kill them. It's a great deal of weight to bear and it's not lost on her. But she's still struggling with the stress of it. Serena's very conflicted and rightfully so.

Serena is questioning her actions thus far. Is she doing the right thing by working with Preventers? Or should she have gone about ending ROE and Edwards a different way? Death to Serena means little to nothing. She's not afraid of dying and has come to accept the fact that one day she'll likely die trying to stop Edwards. If some of this sounds familiar, and it should, that's because Serena and Heero share the same ideas when it comes to certain things. Serena feels alone and has for some time, much like how Heero felt at one point. Death, in both of their eyes, were/are the same. They both accepted the reality that they'd likely die on the battlefield. Is this the reason Serena has been trying as hard as she can to get Heero to understand her?

Serena needs to truly think over everything and makes decisions based on the outcome she wants. But they may not be the best for her or others. We know Serena wants her Gundam back. She's planning something but she's not sharing that plan with anyone. But hopefully, her end goal at this point is truly worth it. Sacrifice one life for the greater good? Or sacrifice the world for the sake of one's life?

I'll see you all on Monday!
-MM