Chapter Forty-Four
Bonding
Heero walked out on the back deck to find Serena sitting on the steps leading to the back yard looking up at the night sky. He had questioned Relena, Hilde, and Trowa about what had happened, but no one had given him a direct answer. Relena had only said that Serena was upset by something. But when Heero pressed Relena for more, she wouldn't say what it was.
When Serena had brushed past him and Duo, she looked angry. Heero had only caught the tail end of whatever was being discussed inside when they came in. Which still left him not knowing what had occurred. Taking a few more steps, Heero stood a small distance away from Serena.
"What happened?"
"Nothing," Serena said.
"It doesn't look that way."
"You seem to know me so well," Serena said sarcastically as she glanced over her shoulder at him before turning her eyes back up to the night sky. Sighing, Heero shoved his hands in his pockets. He didn't want to fight with her.
"It's pretty obvious that something has upset you," Heero said calmly as he moved to sit next to her.
"It doesn't matter anymore," Serena said, still staring up at the sky. Sighing again, Heero turned his eyes up to the night sky. Trying to see whatever Serena was seeing. He could make out some stars, but with all the ambient lighting from the city, it was hard to see all of them.
"The Earth is such a beautiful place. Nothing like the Colonies," Serena said. Breaking the silence that had fallen over them. Heero turned his head to look at her. "Every Colony is the same, the buildings may look different and the cultures differ but at the end of the day, they're all the same. The weather is controlled, and the temperature is set just right. Nothing is created by nature. Everything is man-made and while the sheer feat that we're able to live in Outer Space is amazing, it'll never compare to the Earth."
Sighing, Serena lowered her head. Heero stayed quiet, waiting to see if she would say anything else.
"My whole existence has been fabricated to be something it's not. I was never going to be the perfect image of what they were trying to create. Just like the Earth, you can't create what only nature can," Serena said softly. Heero frowned at her. He didn't understand where any of this was coming from.
"Why are you telling me this?" Heero asked. Serena turned her head to face him. A frown mirroring his own.
"You asked me to be honest with you," Serena said. Heero tilted his head to the side. He saw something in her eyes he had never noticed before.
"What was Edwards trying to make you be?" Heero asked after a moment.
"Obedient. Soulless. He wanted me to never feel anything. To never have an opinion. Only to follow orders."
"Perfection," Heero said. Serena nodded as she sat up straighter.
"It's an unrealistic ideal. But Edwards succeeded nonetheless," Serena sighed. "Reality is I am everything he set out to create and more." Heero snorted, causing Serena to glare at him.
"Last I checked, you only follow orders when you see fit."
"I'm a person too, Heero. I'm not some robotic play toy that can be controlled so easily. There were plenty of issues with my training. Any time I fought back the punishments only got worse. Finally, I gave in. There was no point in fighting back. Not even death could save me," Serena said bitterly before turning away from him, looking up at the sky once again. Heero wondered what Edwards had done to Serena to make her wish for her own death?
"What did he do to you?" Heero asked quietly after a few minutes. Serena swung her head back to him.
"No one should ever be forced to go through what we did. Fortunately for you, you didn't have to endure half of what I had to. Be grateful for that."
"Tell me what Edwards did to you." Heero tightened his eyes when Serena didn't answer him. He opened his mouth to say something when Serena shook her head.
"We don't need to discuss it. It's in the past."
"Serena, whatever happened can't be brushed off," Heero said sternly. She smiled softly at him.
"It can because I can't let it affect me. It may be a part of me and who I am today, but I can't let it stop me from becoming the person I truly wish to be, the person you see now," Serena said as she turned her head up again to look at the sky once again.
Heero sat quietly thinking over Serena's words. He understood what Serena was trying to say to him. Heero had been working on trying not to let his past affect him, even though it did. It changed his view of the world around him. What was right and what was wrong. Heero's past had helped shape him to become the person he was now. If he had never experienced the things he had, Heero knew he would be a completely different person.
Someone with a real name. Someone who hadn't lived the life of a child soldier. Someone who wouldn't have the relationship he had with Relena.
"I don't understand why anyone would want to destroy the world we live in. It's always been an aspect of humanity that confuses me," Serena said, breaking through Heero's thoughts.
"What do you mean?" Heero turned his head to see Serena staring at him.
"You said all of humanity is weak," Serena frowned at him. "If that's the case, then how can someone like Edwards have so much power and only lust for more?" Heero stared at Serena. For the first time since they had met each other, he was taken aback by her.
"It's the cycle of history. It will always repeat itself unless people stand for a better world."
"I know that. History will always keep repeating itself because humanity as a whole can't get their shit together," Serena chuckled. "But what I'm referring to is why someone would want the power to destroy the world. I just… don't understand."
"Half the time I don't either," Heero shrugged. "I never liked the power trip."
"Liar," Serena smirked at him. "You and I both know that the ZERO system makes you feel a certain way."
"Yes, it does" Heero chuckled. "But you can't let it get to your head. It seems it didn't get to yours either."
"No, I never let it. I never wanted the power. I like my Gundam, but I didn't want to turn into someone who wanted more," Serena sighed. "I will say that I'm going to hate destroying my suit. I worked so hard on it and if given the opportunity I wanted to see what it was truly capable of. I know that the chances are slim but I would still like to be the one to destroy it and not Preventers."
Heero had learned from Une that after everything was said and done the Gundam would ultimately be destroyed. He knew it was the right thing to do. Mobile suits and the Gundams weren't needed in the world they were now living in.
"I don't think I could persuade Une on that matter. It's an illegal weapon after all," Heero said.
"You'd let me be the one to do it?" Serena asked. A shocked expression on her face when she turned back to face him. "Would you let me pilot my suit?"
"I don't see why you couldn't. I'm half tempted to see what it can do myself," the corner of his lips curled up. "It's just an upgraded version of Zero after all." Serena laughed.
"I could always reprogram the ZERO System to allow you to pilot it. That's if Une lets us have some fun with it before it's destroyed. But then again Relena might get mad at us," Serena smiled at him.
"I can handle the repercussions from Une, Relena maybe not so much. But that's if they can catch us first," Heero smiled again when he saw Serena's smile widen. For once, Heero felt like he was truly seeing Serena for the first time. Heero could understand to a point why everyone liked her so much. Even at dinner, Serena was more social than he ever was.
"I should've built two."
"You're asking for more trouble than it's worth," Heero shook his head. "And I am sorry that all your hard work will go to waste."
"It's for the best. The world doesn't need another Gundam anyway," Serena smiled sadly at him.
They had fallen into a comfortable silence, looking up at the sky again.
"Can I give you some advice?" Serena asked, after a few moments. Heero wasn't sure he should be taking advice from Serena, but given the fact they had been talking in a relaxed manner, he didn't see the harm.
"Sure."
"Enjoy what you have in this world. The life you get to live. Don't question every little thing. Just live your life to the fullest and hold onto the things you cherish the most," Serena said, facing him. The smile that had been on his face faded into a frown. While her advice was well-intended Heero had a feeling someone may have said something to her.
"Did Relena talk to you?"
"No, Relena didn't," Serena chuckled as she shook her head. "But I know how you think. I'm not much different from you. Just remember how precious life truly is and be grateful for what you have. For the life, you get to live."
The words weren't cold and her soft smile was a reassurance of that. Heero turned his head back up to look up at the night sky. Was she merely reminding him of something he had already known? Or was Serena trying to tell him more about the world she had lived in before she came to them? Heero's thoughts were interrupted when he felt something nudge his arm, bringing his attention back to her.
"You're overthinking it," Serena chuckled.
"Hard not to when someone's being cryptic," Heero smirked.
"Speak for yourself. You're even harder to understand sometimes," Serena rolled her eyes at him.
"I'm not as bad as I used to be."
"Oh really? That's not what I've been told," Serena laughed as he glared at her. "She does talk to me daily."
"I think I'm going to have to have a talk with Relena about that," Heero's lips curled up when Serena laughed again. They both knew it would be pointless.
Trowa along with everyone else had gathered by the back door. Trowa had mainly relocated himself to make sure Heero and Serena didn't get into another argument that could've potentially led to them getting into another physical altercation. While Trowa hoped Serena wouldn't let things get that far, he also knew that a certain topic of conversation had triggered the first fight they had gotten into. Heero wasn't happy when no one answered his questions and when Trowa had told Heero that he'd speak with Serena, Heero had refused, stating he'd talk with her. Which only made Trowa worry, until he stood watching them.
"Are they actually getting along?" Duo asked.
"It looks that way," Hilde said from beside him.
"They're even laughing… Trowa, are you sure Serena's feeling okay or something?" Duo turned to look over Hilde's head at him.
"Serena's fine and is it so hard to believe that they can get along?" Trowa asked, lifting a brow at Duo. While Trowa was surprised himself to see Heero and Serena getting along, it gave him hope that maybe Heero had taken his advice and was being kinder to Serena.
"No, but yeah… Ah c'mon! They get along for like five minutes then they're at each other's throats again!" Duo crossed his arms over his chest. Huffing a sigh.
"I thought they were getting better at that?" Relena said as she continued to watch the pair in question. "From what they've both told me, they've been getting along."
"Yeah, and you didn't see how they blew up at each other at our weekly meeting on Monday. Geez, it was bad. Trowa had to drag Serena from the room while I had to hold Heero back."
"They what!?" Relena whirled around, to face Duo. "Serena's the one who hit Heero!? I should've known. What did Heero say or do to cause Serena to hit him!?"
"Um..." Duo caught the warning look Trowa was sending him. A reminder that the girls didn't know anything that had been discussed or the fact that Heero and Serena had gone at. Unless Duo had opened his mouth and told Hilde, which was a possibility. "No, that was me... It was by accident," Duo laughed sheepishly. "They just don't always agree and when they butt heads… well… it gets out of hand sometimes."
"Heero and Serena may disagree but it's easy to see that they share a mutual respect for one another," Trowa said calmly, trying to redirect the conversation. Then he noticed Heero and Serena standing up from the corner of his eye. "They're coming back in. Best to act like we haven't been watching them."
The rest of the evening had gone over well. The group hung around talking and everyone had switched to water per Heero's wishes. He didn't want Duo or Trowa hung over the next day or Relena but she had been good and had stopped drinking for the evening. Trowa wasn't a big concern since he had only two beers the entire time he was there. Duo was a little harder to convince but Heero reminded him that he was working the following day and promised if anything happened on his watch, Duo would be looking at a severe punishment of desk duty for the next several months. Duo had quickly put his last half-finished beer down stating water was the better option.
Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves and even the girls had gone back to talking at the table. Relena had pulled Serena aside with Hilde and it seemed whatever had been said earlier was forgiven. It still didn't change the fact that Heero was still curious as to what was said in the first place.
Once Trowa and Serena had left and everyone else decided to call it a night, did Heero try to press Relena for more information. Since Duo and Hilde were staying in one of the guest rooms, Heero waited till they were alone in their bedroom to try his luck. But Relena had been tight-lipped about it. Relena had refused to answer any of his questions, only telling him not to worry and that everything was fine.
Whatever was said to Serena had triggered something. Heero knew when he had gone to speak with her that it was pointless. Serena wasn't going to tell him anything directly, but Heero knew he was capable of reading between the lines. The only problem was finding out that trying to do so only led him down another rabbit hole of more questions.
Serena was still a mystery to him and at the same time something familiar. Heero could never shake the feeling that he knew her better than anyone else, even when he didn't know her as well as the others did. It was possibly due in part to their backgrounds. Serena had told him she went through all the same training as he did, but that she had gone through even more. What kind of training had Serena gone through? What had they done to Serena to make her so unhappy that she wished for her own death?
The more Heero thought about things the more he realized they were the same. Serena had known his thoughts or feelings before and she still seemed to understand him even now. Heero had felt at one point that his life was worthless and meant nothing to anyone. He had a job to do and that was it. But all that changed. His views changed and even his thought process had changed over time. Heero wondered if Serena had changed her mind and that was the reason why she was with them now?
Little pieces of the puzzle were slowly coming together, or at least a version Heero thought was correct. Something had to have happened to Serena which resulted in her changing her actions. Serena had up and ran away from the very group she was working with and now she had teamed up with Preventers to stop them. Serena knew what they were doing was wrong but like himself, she was obeying orders.
But what was the reason?
Heero shook his head as he rolled over in bed. Heero knew he could spend all night thinking things over trying to figure out the answers to his questions. Although deep down Heero knew the only way he'd find out was when Serena was ready to tell him, or when they took down ROE once and for all. Even then there was a possibility her secrets would stay hidden. Heero had a feeling that was what Serena wanted. For them to stay hidden.
Heero closed his eyes again trying to relax his body so sleep could overtake him, but an image of a brown-haired, blue-eyed girl appeared. Her smile was warm and bright, reaching her eyes. The way she laughed was so carefree and even the way she reacted to things with precision and determination. She was caring and confident when she needed to be. But most importantly, she had a pure heart.
Heero's eyes flew open as realization dawned on him. Serena wasn't out to hurt any of them. Everything everyone had been saying to him was the truth. He was just too blind to see it. Sitting up in bed he checked the time.
One a.m.
Serena was likely sleeping, but he needed to find out. Heero reached over to grab his phone. Locating Serena's number he brought the phone to his ear. The phone rang till it went to voicemail. Serena had never bothered to set up one and at the moment Heero was happy she never did. Less of a footprint she was leaving if someone wanted to track her down. Heero had been taking extra precautions over the last two days, deleting all past logs and data collected from her phone. Heero had a record of everything but someone would have to look deep in his computer to find the information.
Heero decided to not leave her a message. He was about to put his phone down when guilt hit him. If Serena saw that he called but didn't leave a voicemail, Serena would call him back right away thinking something was wrong. He never called her this late at night. Pulling up his text messages, Heero typed out a simple text.
Non-emergency, before hitting send. The corner of his lips turned up as he typed out another message.
Call me tomorrow morning.
It was still cryptic but at least he tried. Putting his phone down, Heero reminded himself that he needed sleep. He was going to be working tomorrow and he needed to be on high alert to ensure not just Relena's safety but the rest of the guests that would be attending the Ball.
Heero hoped that Serena would return his call so he could properly apologize for all the mistakes he had made. From now on, Heero vowed to try even harder to be kinder to her. Even though he knew they'd still butt heads now and then.
Trowa rolled over when he heard a buzzing sound. When his arm found the stop next to him empty, Trowa opened his eyes. Serena wasn't in bed and as Trowa moved to sit up he heard the buzzing stop. Looking around the room Trowa couldn't find Serena but he saw her phone lit up on the nightstand on her side of the bed. Leaning over, Trowa saw that Heero had called and sent two text messages.
Getting out of bed, Trowa grabbed his boxers that were discarded earlier that night as he made his way to the door. It was slightly ajar and as he peered into the living room he caught sight of Serena. She was sitting on the floor in front of one of the windows. Her eyes were closed as she leaned her head against the glass. A blanket wrapped loosely around herself. Slowly Trowa opened the door making his way into the living room. Serena didn't seem to notice him till he sat down across from her. He watched her eyes slowly open to look directly at him before she averted her gaze.
"Serena, why are you out here?"
"I needed to be alone," Serena said.
"Why did you need to be alone?" Trowa frowned when Serena leaned her head against the glass again.
"It's easier to think," Serena said sighing, closing her eyes again.
"What did you need to think about?" Trowa asked as he moved closer to take her hand into his.
"I… this… all of this is still so new to me," Serena frowned as she opened her eyes. "I don't know how to express how I'm feeling."
"That's all right. Is there something bothering you? Maybe I can help," he said squeezing her hand.
"Don't trouble yourself," Serena shook her head. Trowa frowned as she looked away from him again to look back outside.
"It's my responsibility to make sure everything is okay and that you're happy." Serena swung wide eyes back to him.
"Your responsibility? Why is it important to you that I'm happy?"
"Because that's how this works. Relationships aren't easy, but if we communicate, we can have a better understanding of one another, then we can work out any problems that might arise," Trowa squeezed Serena's hand again, trying to reassure her.
"Are you happy?" Serena asked.
"Yes."
"Why?"
Trowa wanted to laugh, but he refrained from doing so. Trowa found Serena to be even more endearing when she looked at him with a puzzled expression.
"Because I have you. You make me happy. It doesn't need to be some long explanation. It's simply because of you."
"I make you happy?" Serena asked. Trowa nodded his head.
"How do I make you feel?" Trowa ventured. Part of him was hoping Serena felt something for him by now. His feelings for her had been growing more and more with each passing day.
"I don't know…" Serena trailed off, taking her hand back. "I'm not sure how I feel right now."
Trowa frowned slightly before pulling his face back into a mask. He could see that Serena was conflicted with herself. Maybe she did have feelings for him but wasn't able to express those feelings just yet. Serena had been under more stress lately and even though their night had ended well and Serena seemed to be in a good mood, Trowa knew all too well that sometimes you couldn't turn off your brain fully to relax.
"Does any of this have to do with tonight?"
"Huh?" Serena turned to face him again. Her face contorted back into a puzzled expression before her face relaxed slightly. "A little, but not for what you may be thinking."
"Is it because we may have been outed?" Trowa would be lying if he wasn't a little concerned about the fact that Duo, Hilde, and Relena had figured out that they were sleeping together. It wasn't helping their plan to keep their relationship a secret.
"No," Serena shook her head. "It's just you learn to see things from a different perspective and you can't help but wonder what life would be like if things were different."
"You mean when Duo welcomed you to our group?"
Duo had gone as far as to make a toast about how Serena completed their group. Serena laughed, and for the first time, Trowa saw her smile.
"No, but that was funny. I'm just saying when you've lived a certain way of life for so long that when you get to see it from another point of view it makes you think."
"Yes, that's normal. The life you're living now isn't the same one you had before. You're getting to experience new things and it's okay to be unsure, especially if you don't fully understand those thoughts and feelings just yet," Trowa said.
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense," Serena smiled at him. Leaning forward, Trowa kissed her gently on the lips.
"I think that's enough thinking for one night. We should go back to bed." Trowa stood offering his hands to her. Serena looked up at him before slowly lifting her hands to grasp his. The blanket fell from around her shoulders as she stood. Trowa smiled to himself as he saw his t-shirt covering her naked body. Her mind may not have been entirely at ease but at least Serena was smiling. Pulling her closer, they headed back to the bedroom.
A/N
Happy Friday!
I think this was a nice way to end the week. Heero and Serena bonding and not fighting. Wonder how long that'll last? I can tell you... not long, not long at all. They may just end up killing each other by the end of this story, but for now, let's enjoy the fact that Heero was doing what Trowa asked. Heero's being nicer, and he's trying to see Serena the way everyone else does. Does it fully mean he trusts her? No, but he's more willing to give her a chance after this dinner party.
Serena compares herself to space and how humans were able to create the ability to live in such a place, but the one thing that the Colonies cannot replicate is what only Mother Nature can. Serena is basically saying that even though J was able to clone Heero and create her, she isn't Heero. Nor what Edwards did to her could make her into the thing Edwards wanted her to be, because Mother Nature always prevails. You can try an create, replicate or change some things, but some things you just can't. Serena is telling Heero that even though two people tried their hardest to make her into something, that's not who she is. She follows this up by stating that there were flaws in her training because she pushed back against the rules. She also refers to herself as a robotic toy, and some of that was a pun, but she's TELLING Heero something with those words. Which all ties into her telling Heero what she was trained to be, perfection. Which is truly an unrealistic idea. Heero knows this, and Serena knows this, but yet Serena confesses that she did indeed turn out to be just that. Perfect, to a fault, hahaha. The girl has some issues and she most certainly didn't listen 100% of the time.
Heero is taken aback by Serena and her openness but that could also be the alcohol talking. I mean, after all, Serena has been drinking. Serena is sharing more of herself with Heero, which is why she tells him that the person he sees in front of him is the real her. The one she wants to be. Obviously, Heero knows that Edwards has done something to Serena, otherwise he wouldn't be pushing her or questioning it after the fact. I promise it'll all make sense at some point in this story. I have a reason for almost everything I do. Then they move on to more safer topics. Heero admits that he wants to see Serena's Gundam, and Serena tells him that she'd reprogram the ZERO system to allow him to pilot it. But don't you find that odd that once again Serena is mentioning something about the ZERO system? Hm...
Before I forget again, Serena also reminds Heero about how he said some lovely words to Zechs once, and now Serena's questioning Heero about those words because she doesn't understand some stuff. Maybe she just wants to live a peaceful life. Who knows? Then their lovely bonding moment ends with Serena giving some advice to Heero, but what Heero doesn't know is the true meaning behind her words. I'll let you all ponder that one. But I can tell you right now, it's not what you think it is!
Duo dropped the ball, big time. Relena now knows who punched Heero. Whoops. I mean, it was bound to happen right? Heero had no intention of telling Relena, and I don't think Serena would openly tell Relena "yeah, I punched him." Trowa isn't foolish enough to touch that one, but Duo... yeah he'd probably say something.
The conversation Trowa and Serena have a the end of this chapter wasn't what Serena was talking about at all. But I had to her play into it. While Serena was open with Trowa, she wasn't giving him complete context to what she was talking about. Serena is referring to her conversation with Heero because she's always viewed the world through his eyes. Her understanding of the world she lives in comes heavily from Heero's experiences. But at the same time, Trowa's words are fitting. Serena is living a drastically different life than she was before coming to Earth. Serena also has way too much going on in that head of hers, and I hate to break it to her... but it only gets worse. Not sorry.
I think I've ranted enough, I'll see you all on Monday with Chapter 45, Surprise. Should I mention that there are still some people that haven't made their appearances yet? Will one or more show up in Monday's chapter? Maybe?
-MM