CHAPTER 2: Voldemort's real story...

"Sure. Why not?" Sirius makes a few fancy movements with his hands.

"Um… Voldemorticus appearimusnuscus… us." Hermione gives him a suspicious look.

"Are you sure that's right?" Sirius turns bright red.

"Uh huh. And who's the magical being here? Me? I thought so." Hermione turned red also. In a 'poof' cloud, Voldemort turns up with Ron. Voldemort whips something off quickly and hides it behind his back. Unfortunately for the evil lord, Harry was behind him.

"Hey, nice paisley apron. My aunt has one of these. Well, hers is a more floral pattern."


"Really? I couldn't find one other than this one. Paisley doesn't compliment my complexion well. Where did she get hers? I got mine at the Bon."


"Umm… Sax." Sirius can't believe his eyes. Not only was Voldemort in a housedress, both he and Ron had bright red lipstick smeared across the mouth area.

"Ron… is there something you want to tell us?" Ron joined the blushing club, turning as red as the lipstick.

"Why do you ask?" Hermione is staring strangely at Ron. "What??!!?"


"…Nothing… it's just that…" Ron scowls.

"Can't a guy find love without getting odd looks? Geez. And I thought you were modern, Hermione." Sirius gives a knowing look to Voldemort.

"Trying to replace James again?" Harry gave Sirius a dazed look, or at least reoriented his constant dazed look on his fairy godfather.


"What?" Voldemort turns slowly to face Harry.

"Harry… I am your…" Hermione puts up a hand.

"Wait, wait, wait. This isn't going to be the entire Star Wars take off thing again, is it. I mean, 'Luke, I am your father' has beaten to death already!!!" Voldemort looks at her in disgust.

"Excuse me, pivotal moment here. If you please? As I was saying, Harry, I am your mother."


"Oh. WHAT?!?? You are FEMALE???" Harry stares at his self-proclaimed mother in absolute disbelief, who cut a striking figure in drag.

"Harry, your father and I… we were in love. James had been dating Severus…" Hermione interjected again.

"Let me get this straight. You, HARRY'S DAD, and SNAPE are all gay!?!?!?!" Voldemort rolls his eyes.

"Can't anyone tell a history without interruptions from a self-possessed, snot-nosed, weasely little prig?" Hermione looked at him, shocked and hurt. "Anyways, James had been dating Severus for about a year when I finally decided to come out of the closet. Hogwarts was very accepting. So was James. We dated for two years, until at our graduation, we decided to get married. We lived in a beautiful little one story with white shutters and a blue picket fence, and there were tulips and daffodils in the garden and the window boxes. Oh such a sweet little house!!" Hermione was watching the evil Lord Voldemort's hands and he motioned where the flowers went. "Oh how I miss that house! But, we decided we wanted children. Since neither of us had a womb, we researched agencies and found a willing surrogate mother who had dated James briefly in school. Lily." Voldemort's face distorted in anger when he said Harry's biological mother's name. "Lily still was enamored with James, and James, being bisexual, as it turned out, was won over by not only her charm, but a charm set by her, if you follow me. James, being your biological father, left me for that little guttersnipe. Enticed by Lily, he hid the house with a spell, which you know about." Voldemort grew sad as he continued on with his story. "Heartbroken, I searched for my little lumpkins. He had left no note and I feared for you Harry, as yet unborn. I feared Lily had threatened you and seduced James off. When I finally found out what happened, I, unfortunately, I…" Voldemort's eyes filled with tears. "I flew into a jealous rage. How dare she? I destroyed Lily and my poor, sweet James. I am still ashamed that my anger drove me to try to destroy even you, Harry, for the blood of your mother that ran through your veins. But that night was the first night I ever laid eyes on you Harry. You looked so much like your father; I had to abort the curse. That is why," Voldemort's long white hand traced Harry's scar softly, "that is why you have this scar. The curse only skimmed you; the only way I could abort the curse was to bring it back into myself. My grief was instilled into your little cut. That is why, when I am near, you share a bit of my pain. The curse and my broken heart sent me into shambles, and I had to go think deeply. You know, all your life I've watched you Harry. I connected you again to me through your wand. I watch over the only physical living thing that remains of my dear, dear, dear James." A tear rolled down Voldemort's cheek as he stroked Harry's cheek. Harry stared at him with wide eyes.

"So that's why Snape hates Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. Voldemort scowled blackly.

"Thanks for drawing such a great conclusion from my speech of grief. I'm flattered by your empathy." With a flick of that long, white hand, he turned Hermione into a newt. She got better, don't worry.


Meanwhile, a certain captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team talked to a recently made friend. Tom Riddle, brought back to solidity by one of Neville's misguided potions. He turned out to be a very nice guy, devoid of evil notions. Of course, he was brought back by one of Neville's potions. This is probably a good thing for the world. But anyway, both of these handsome devils were deep in discussion.

"So, since we are incredibly hot and charming, it's our duty to save Percy? I don't even like Percy." Tom nodded excitedly.


"EXACTLY!! It's even better that way. That way, we are even MORE like heroes. After, two dashing fellows like us can't do any harm." Oliver Wood shrugged.


"What was that phrase…" They both said it together: "Beautiful people-to the rescue!" And they disappeared in a tasteful poof cloud of smoke.