Mean-meanwhile, Harry bonded with his true mother. Ron refused to talk to Hermione, and Sirius was conjuring up little things that came to mind with his magical powers.
"Ooh, fuzzy bunny slippers. YAY! Sparkly pens!" Hermione perked up.
"Did you say sparkly pens?" Sirius nodded happily and showed off the rainbow colored shimmer pens. Hermione snatched a few out of his hands. Sirius shrugged and conjured those colors up again.
Ron sneered at Hermione.
"What's with the glitter fetish all of the sudden?" Hermione stuck out her tongue.
"What's it to you? Why don't you go cuddle with your boyfriend?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"What's with the emphasis on your?" Ron nodded. Harry and Voldemort turn away from their conversation to hear this explanation. Hermione asserted her claim to the Blushing Club yet again.
"I don't know what you are talking about. I have to go write letters now. Good bye." With that, she flounced out in the Hogwarts pleated skirt-thing. Sirius smiled nastily.
"I think she's got a secret boyfriend. Who's gonna spy on her to find out?" Ron raised his hand.
"I can go under the pose of 'apologizing', she'd like that…" Sirius nodded. Ron wandered off in the direction of the Commons Room after promising he would come back to his 'woojy boojy'. Everybody assumed that was Voldemort.
As this not very interesting episode took place, our two alliterative handsome heroes were flashing astonishingly white teeth, blinding the Dementors and wandering around the cells. They finally found a very thin Percy wallowing in self-pity.
"Um… Percy? Why are you so thin? You've only been in here for 2 hours." Percy looked up with a very scary face. Tom Riddle stepped back.
"There are no Twinkies in Azkaban…must have golden sponge cake…creamy filling…" Tom and Wood exchanged knowing looks. Percy was a sugar addict. The two dashing guys smiled their way back out of Azkaban and started the trek back to Hogwarts. Percy whined and complained often about not having enough energy to make it back. Wood shut him up by giving him one of those little peppermints that always get a little fuzz on them once they get into a pocket, even if they are tightly wrapped. Percy started complaining again as soon as it had fully dissolved. In the last mile to Hogwarts, Tom finally just clonked him on the head with a handy tree limb. He was seething.
"I couldn't take it anymore. I had to shut him up." Wood rolled his eyes.
"Then you have to carry him." Tom sighed and slung the unconscious Percy over his shoulder and continued on.
Back again at Hogwarts (no mean-mean-meanwhile, sorry), Ron had just walked into a classroom. This would not have been exactly astonishing, except for the fact that Hermione was in there too-with a lot of candles, and a very big, pink quill pen. Ron walked in, in time to see Hermione kiss a large, glossy envelope and give it to a large, glossy owl who flew out the window, and soared over the lake and beyond…awe wasn't that pretty.
"Ok, what's going on, Hermione? You are turning into…" Ron shuddered, "that fruit, Lockhart." Hermione looked completely shocked, and then slapped him, leaving a perfect handprint on his face, complete with every finger and a little mark where she was wearing a ring.
"My gilded baby doll is NOT a FRUIT!" Ron stared at her.
"You can't be serious. Even you can do better than that lily-lipped, cowslip cheeked whack job." Hermione gave him the evil eye. Ron keeled over, evil eyed. Harry, Sirius, Voldemort, and Dumbledore heard the thump and came in. After all, they were right next to the open door.
Voldemort saw the scene, and I mean, come on, he was Head-Boy in his day, he saw what was going on. The shrine in the corner, complete with large photograph (signed, of course-in purple ink) and scented candles in Lockhart's favorite scent, Resonant Rainbow were a large tip-off.
Voldemort looked at the pictures of Gilderoy kind of funnily.
"Yah know, he looks really familiar…" Ron looked kind of scared-ily at his new boyfriend. "In fact…" he got his evil, really scary, wrinkled eyebrows and everything, angry face on. "That is the little punk/fiend who stole my bike." Ron let a big breath. Voldemort looked at him. "What?" Ron gave a little shuddery smile
"I thought you were gonna say you went out with him." Voldemort laughed.
"No. I went out with his cousin. Of course, you already know that." Ron gave him a little confused look, as did everyone else besides Dumbledore, because Dumbledore always seemed to know what was going on.
"Who's his cousin?" Ron asked tentatively.
"Snape."
"Oh." Harry finally spoke up. Hermione looked shocked.
"My Gilded baby doll is related to Snape????" Voldemort nodded.
"Didn't you notice the family cheekbones, the startlingly sparkly eyes, the prominent noses?" Hermione thought for a few moments, then horror grew on her face.
"Ew… I would have married into Snape's family!" Ron looked at her with even more horror.
"You guys were discussing marriage already? How long have you been with sleaze bucket?" Hermione thought hard.
"Two years, five months, two days, seven minutes, and two, no three seconds." Harry thought.
"Weren't we going out then?" Hermione shook her head.
"No, this was the next day. Some rebound relationship, eh?"
"Oh." At this moment, Tom Riddle and Oliver Wood managed to actually burst into the room, busting the door in the process. Everyone turned and gave them the attention they seeked. They dumped a now emaciated Percy onto the floor, where he crumbled into a surprisingly little heap on the ground. Dumbledore rolled his eyes.
"Oh no. Didn't I get rid of the pitiful boy? Poor boy isn't fit to live in society. He will forever be trying to take over institutions and companies. It is better that he stay away from working people." Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"Bet?" Dumbledore shrugged.
"Ok." They shook on it for two gold galleons, then had Riddle put Percy in his bed. "Now that that's taken care of, and since Voldemort hasn't killed anyone in the last few hours, I think we can all go down to Hagrid's for tea."