HAPPY HOUR AT HOGWARTS:

AND NOW, FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, AND ONLY SLIGHTLY RELEVENT:

One day as Oliver Wood sat in an empty classroom, applying his weekly hair masque and practicing his dazzling smile, two piss drunk figures staggered in.
"Professor McGonagal? Professor Lupin?" Oliver asked quizzically.
"Oh, Remus, it's our Woliver Oood! Come on sweetie pea!" McGonagal lead in Lupin queasily.
"Er, Professor, I thought that you two were broken up..."
"Oh, well," Professor Lupin took over, "after all there's only one pub in town, and I supposssse..." Professor Lupin trailed off, then jerked back up, "we just ended up together, and got 'ta talkin' annddd..." he trailed off again, and Professor McGonagal took over.
"Welll, we decided to tell ya the truth..."
"Er, the truth?" Oliver asked, wondering if this was some kind of wild dream.
"Yessir!" Lupin took over again, "Well I suppose this all begins in my fifth year...the, er, professor here was in her prime I suppose, and I, er, was a dashing soon-to-be-sixteen-year-old..." Oliver felt a large queasy feeling drop into his stomach. "And, well, you know...or must we give you that talk?"
"Er, no professor," Oliver said hastily, "but why, how?"
"Ummm, it was spring break," McGonagal slurred, "And I think it had something to do with young Severus Snape spiking the spring break punch..."
"And, ummmmm," Lupin trailed, snapped back up, "Your dad had gone off to spend the week with Lily, something about him being gay and in love with the dark lord...and Sirius was spending break in Hagrid's hut, and I was left all alone..."
"Okeydokey..." Oliver said with eyebrows raised, "What does this have anything to do with?"
"Well," McGonagal seemed a bit on edge as she continued, "A week later I discovered that I had, er, 'an owl in the owlrey' if you know what I mean..."
"We decided to keep it a secret, luckily the child was born in the summer months" Lupin took a little sigh and went on, "We found some people to take the child in, and that was that."
Now, Oliver, not the brightest of sorts, asked, "And what happened to that child?"
McGonagal, looking very meaningfully at Oliver said, "He went on to Hogwarts, and actually played very good Quidditch..."
"Really? Did he play on the house teams?"
"Umm, he actually has been the captain of the Gryffindor team for the past few years..."
"Now hold on a minute, I am the Gryffindor captain!"
"Er, that's what we're saying, you are our son, the forbidden love child of a sultry professor and a dashing young student!" Lupin cried.
"No! No! NOOOOO!!!" Oliver cried, looked around, and shrugged, "oh, well, this explains a lot. Like that time you tried to make me cookies Prof. McGonagal...No, really," catching the look on McGonagal's face, "you tried, and that's good enough for me Profe-mom."
McGonagal glowed with motherly pride. "Oh, son, we, we, we love you!"
"Oh, I love you too Mom, Dad!!" Son cried to parents as they shared their first family hug.