warnings: topics of suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, and anxiety are covered in this fic. please make sure you're comfortable in reading about these before proceeding. thank you.

NORTHERN WIND

Even the act of opening your eyes when you wake up feels like a chore.

She lays there on her bed, staring up at her empty ceiling, feeling hollow just like every other day this year. Snow falls outside and the cold bites her bare skin, but she grits her teeth and takes it all—just so she could feel something aside from usual nothingness. She stays for a couple of minutes more, desperate for something she doesn't even know, then gets up and prepares for another day. Her last, if you ask her.

Today, she has decided, will be her last day on earth.

A living corpse wanders the street of Tokyo in the name of one Sakura Haruno. She's a picture of a perfect porcelain doll with wide green eyes and cotton candy pink hair. Her hands are soft and her voice is melodious. She lights up every room she enters and her humility shines the brightest in the sea of people who are too absorbed in proving they're better than everybody else.

Her friends say she's a great girl—smart, kind, loyal. She knows how to take care of her loved ones and put them over herself. Her values are intact and she is never afraid to speak her mind and stand up for other people. Her parents say she's a diligent daughter—obedient, respectful, loving. Never fails to support her family in any way she can. She always calls just to check up on them no matter where she is.

Sakura has a great circle of people around her. She has a good job that provides for her, a nice home she can call her own, and a heart that loves true.

Then why can she love everybody and everything else but not herself?

It's a thought that always plagues her mind when she wakes up; the same thought that keeps her up at night. It runs in her consciousness as she walks towards the train station going home after work. It's the last day of the workweek and everybody thinks of their Friday night plans—drinks with high school friends, romantic date with the spouse, quiet night-in watching animated movies with the kids.

Not her, no; not Sakura. All she thinks about is how fast it would take for her to be gone from the face of the earth when she takes the last two steps towards the train tracks below.

Sakura looks to her left where the train will come. Looking up at the digital clock on the platform, she learns that she has five minutes left before it arrives. There's the usual indifference she feels whenever she decides on something, but there is also a tiny lick of emotion she can't fathom.

Is it fear? Maybe. She's planning to end her life, anyway.

She had thought of it before. Ever since she started feeling heavy and empty at the same time, dark thoughts started to cloud her vision as well. Whispers of doubt and anxiety have made their way to her brain and her heart and into her veins. It now runs through her bloodstream together with her insecurities and dreams and everything in between, making her question everything.

Why do I feel everything and nothing at once?

How do I survive in this fucked up world?

How do I get out of here?

What am I doing? Where am I heading to? Is this enough?

Am I enough?

Will I ever be enough for anything? For anyone?

Will I ever be enough for myself?

Sakura feels her hands tremble from the cold as she stares listlessly at the rails, morbidly thinking about how her dead body would look like when she finally jumps in front of the train on time. She knows she's still calm; indifferent, even. It doesn't matter that the faces of her friends and her parents flash beneath her closed lids. It doesn't matter that she never left anything to explain why she came up with this decision. It doesn't matter that she knows she will be missed.

She is tired—of living in her head all the time and not living in the moment; of keeping her beautiful porcelain façade and hiding behind her well-placed mask. She just wants to end it once and for all. It's cowardly and un-Sakura of her, with her big encouraging words and strong conviction, but she just has no more space in her to accommodate anything anymore—not love, nor hate, nor anything in between.

A voice on the intercom suddenly announces the train's arrival and Sakura squares her shoulders. She continues to look down on the train tracks, counting down her last moments, memorizing the sting of the cold winter breeze and the whistling sound of the train arriving.

On her peripheral, Sakura sees the train approaching and she takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry," she whispers under her breath. Maybe it was for her loved ones, or herself. It doesn't really matter now, does it? Especially when she's making her approach towards the edge of the platform. The train comes in and she comes closer.

Time skips... and then... it stops.

A split second came and her heart jumped when instead of metal colliding to her tiny frame, she felt a hand pulling her gloveless one. Her pink hair sways in the wind from the speed of the train passing by her and obstructs her view of the person who tugged her back to life.

Perhaps she was wrong earlier. This is when the time really stops for a while.

Black irises steadily stare directly into her trembling greens. There's a strange calmness in his eyes but there was fear too. She ignores the slight squeeze in her heart upon the sight. Sakura continues to look at this man who just undoubtedly turned her plan to shit. She doesn't know what to feel.

Is there a little voice in her head that was sighing in relief? Or is it an annoyed huff from her demons? She isn't sure anymore.

"Hey," the man whispered. Clouds of his breath fogged up the space between them as he looks down at her. He is so tall, Sakura notes, and her eyes strain to see his face fully because of the high collar of his trench coat and her windblown hair.

She removed her hair away from her field of view. Yep, she was right with the dark eyes at least. He has messy midnight blue hair that sticks out everywhere, elegant eyebrows, and high cheekbones. Sakura watches as he pulls down his collar to let her finally see his entire face, and she finally realizes that he is still holding her other hand when she felt it squeeze hers.

"Are you okay?"

Three words. Answerable by yes or no. Even a nod of confirmation or a silent denial would do—then why is it so hard to answer?

Her eyes sting suddenly and there is an inexplicable urge to cry. It's something she hasn't done in a while. The emptiness never really gives you a reason to weep; only to try and find something that could distract you from feeling the blackhole eating you from the inside. Now she gets a glimpse of light and her eyes burn from it, making her shed tears.

The stranger saw it all but he never strayed his eyes away from hers. Instead, it softens even further. There is a strong current of people around them going in and out of the train, desperately wanting to go where they want to go, going home to their loved ones. And there stood the both of them, either one not batting an eyelash to the chaos around them, and focused instead on each other.

After a few moments, the man breaks his stare. He looks around and finds out the train is preparing to leave. He looks down at her again and tugs her with him, walking towards the exit where they are greeted by a mild torrent of snow. Her cheeks begin to hurt from the wetness of it and she is surprised when the stranger wraps a scarf around her.

"I'm hungry," he says softly. "Do you mind joining me?" His eyes are hopeful. She never knew dark eyes could be this bright.

It's as if he didn't save her life. Looking at him, Sakura thinks he looks like your normal guy who's out with a girl in the snow asking her out on a date, not a total stranger who picked up a suicidal woman at the train station. Her vision is still blurry from the tears and she can't find her voice, but this stranger still looks at her kindly. She saw his lips twitch in a small smile and a dimple appears on his right cheek. Her fingers twitch in response, her hand still within his grasp.

He removes his gloves and gently puts them on her small hands. His hands are bigger than hers and the warmth is familiar since he has been holding her hand all this time. He looks at her again and delicately asked, "Please?"

She should've known from the start that it was the beginning.

She should've known that he will be in her life for a long time after that.

She should've known—today is not her last day on earth.

His name is Sasuke Uchiha— her northern wind.

From the course of 7 months since that day, Sakura has learned that he loves the cold weather. And just like the icy winter breeze, Sasuke brings the cold December snow in a warm July sun, though she still can't wrap her mind around how this cool person can bring so much warmth to her.

You can tell her that she was insane for agreeing to go with a random stranger at that time. She could've been kidnapped or raped. She could've been drugged and sold to a human trafficking syndicate. She could've been murdered, dying in the hands of a handsome man instead of a bullet train.

Call it cliché, but Sakura saw something in his soft dark eyes that day, and she can still see it now as he drives around the city with her on his passenger seat.

The music from the car stereo makes him lightly tap his fingers on the steering wheel, his lips turning in a slight smirk he always seems to have at his disposal. It's endearing, really. It makes him look younger than his real age. She saw his smirk turned to a full-blown grin.

"Why are you staring at me? Something on your mind?"

He is also very observant. Sakura should've known since he was the one who knew she was about to jump in front of a train, but knowing him for the past couple of months, this fact got even more solidified. He notices when she's hungry or when she's anxious; even when she's not in the mood. He always knows when she's lying, too.

She blinks and replies innocently, "Nothing."

Sasuke briefly looks at her before moving his eyes back on the road, "Liar. C'mon, tell me." See what she means?

There is no point in lying to his face anyway. Her brows furrow in confusion, "I just... I don't know how you do that."

They stop at a red light. He turns to face her, "Do what?"

"Know everything."

His gaze becomes amused. Sasuke reaches with his fingers to poke her nose gently, "I don't know everything, silly."

"You do," she counters. "You always seem to know when I lie or when I want to lie down and not move. I mean..." She drawls on, trying to find the words, "...you even know when I don't want to see you sometimes. Or anyone, really."

Sakura looks at him, watches as his eyes soften just like it always does with her, and he lets out an amused huff under his breath. Then his gaze suddenly turns into something she can't quite explain. It automatically makes her heartbeat quicken for a second.

He answers softly, "Then, I think I just know you instead."

What do you see in me, Sasuke? Who do you see? Do you like her?

I don't see her. I don't know her.

I don't.

They always seem to have these moments where they simply look at each other. She doesn't know what to feel about them. For someone who is used to feeling nothing but indifference, Sakura feels like she's experiencing extreme ends of the emotion spectrum whenever he looks at her like this.

Sakura holds Sasuke's stare until the green light came on. He continues driving silently when the shrill of his phone alerting a new call rings through the speakers. After a breath, a woman's voice speaks.

"Sasuke-chan!" his mother excitedly says. "Are you busy now?"

He darts his eyes towards Sakura first before answering, "Uhm... I-"

She doesn't give him a chance to answer, "Is it possible for you to pick me up from the supermarket? I know you might be busy since Itachi told me about the girl you're always with. When are you bringing her home, by the way? I am so ex-"

"Ma!" Sasuke hurriedly interrupts. His ears are turning red and Sakura looks outside the window to hide her warm cheeks. What is happening?

"I'm not alone in the car and you're in speakers," Sasuke gently whispers. A few seconds pass and his mother spoke again. It seems that the observant trait runs in the family.

"Is she there? 'tachi told me her name is Sakura! Hi, Sakura! I'm Mikoto, Sasuke's mother!"

Sakura turns her head towards the stereo first before glancing at Sasuke. His face is in a light shade of pink and she feels her mouth curving upwards because of it. He couldn't look at her directly and just focuses on driving instead.

She clears her throat, "Uhm... hi. Nice to meet you, Uchiha-san."

The joy in Mikoto's voice is evident when she exclaims, "I knew it! I'm sorry to bother you both, oh my god! Are you on a date? And please, call me Mikoto!"

"Uhh.." she was suddenly lost so she turns to Sasuke for help, but he was busy running his palm on his face. "N- no, we're not dating... Mikoto-san. Your son and I are... just... friends..."

It feels weird saying it; at least to Sakura, that is. A friend doesn't hold your hand when you are in a crowded street, or cooks for you most of the time during weekends, or buys you tampons when you're dying with cramps, or stays with you when you're drowning in anxiety, or kisses your forehead when he thinks you're sleeping.

Right?

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say," Mikoto laughs. "Well, I won't disturb you both. I'll just annoy his father at work so he can pick me up. We can go on a date too just like you two!"

Sasuke hides his embarrassment with his knuckles, "Ma... please..."

Mikoto only hushes him, "Sasuke-chan, take care of Sakura-chan alright? And bring her home soon! It was lovely speaking with you, Sakura-chan. Visit us soon, okay! Son, love you. Drive safe, bye!"

After the call, there is a silence that permeates the entirety of his car. He subtly coughs, "Sorry about that. My mother's just... really excited..."

She slightly smiles, "Yeah, it seems... It's fine. She seems like a very nice woman."

Finally, they slowly got into the parking area of the museum he wanted to show her. Sakura waits for Sasuke to kill the engine but upon stopping the vehicle, he continues to sit there. She waits a little more.

He abruptly turns his head towards her, "Do you really think that?"

Sakura looks at him curiously, "Think what?"

"That... we're not dating," he whispers. His cheeks are pinker than earlier; her heart quickens even more than earlier as well.

There's a sudden urge to challenge; to tease. She's not used to this. It's been forever since she thought about being romantically involved with someone, much less one Sasuke Uchiha and his perfect face. Her face heats up.

"Are we?"

His lips turn to smile, "I'd like to..."

Even after all these months of being in his presence, there is still a shadow hovering over her. It keeps her up at night and sometimes visits during the day. It covers the sun in her life and leaves her gasping for air in the darkness.

But it never comes when she's with him; not once.

The feral voice inside her that screams her darkest thoughts is silent. Her fiercest demon is quiet in the comfort of the look in his eyes. In the hushed space of his car and the electric space between their bodies, Sakura's voice echoed in her own heart.

I'd like that, too.

Attentive as he always is, Sasuke smiles, for he knows everything about her.

Later, when he drops her home and lingers at her front door, he will ask with his hand on her cheek. "Is this okay?"

And when Sakura nods her head yes and feels his lips on hers, she will go back to that first day... and she will be grateful that it wasn't her last day on earth.

But not every day would feel like it. There will still be days where she feels like everything is wrong and she wants to disappear from the face of the planet. Just like last month... and last weekend... and today.

Sakura goes home to soft jazz playing in her living room. Looking down at the shoe rack by the door, she recognizes the expensive leather shoes of Sasuke. She looks at it blankly, feeling like something is brewing in her gut. She ignores it.

Upon entering her kitchen, she sees the back of her boyfriend cooking. They usually see each other once or twice a week, mostly during weekends due to their respective jobs, but since last week he has been here almost every night. She couldn't shake the feeling that she's being monitored. It sparks something in her; something unpleasant.

She must've made a noise since Sasuke turns around and smiled at her. "Welcome home," he greets. She just hummed in response, eyes looking at the variety of food already on the table.

He wipes his hand on the apron he's wearing before approaching her. Sasuke gathers her in his arms and leans in to give her a welcome home kiss, just like he always does, but she slightly turns her head in time for his lips to graze the corner of hers instead.

If he noticed what she did, he doesn't show it. A lump in the throat forms inside Sakura because of it.

"How's work?" he gently asks before going back to the stove. "You're home a little late tonight."

Sakura bites her tongue to refrain from answering rudely. She settles with, "Fine. I just got a lot of work to do. I brought some to work on here."

Even without turning around, Sasuke has the ability to let anyone know what his face looks like. Sakura knows he is frowning. It's in the angle of his shoulders and the timbre of his voice, "What? You should take a rest, Sakura. Relax."

She frowns back on her own, "You're saying that because you are your own boss. You don't understand."

He stops for a second before looking over his shoulder to tell her, "That may be, but I bring home my work as well. It never ends on a good note, though." He chuckles softly before going back to what he is doing.

Sakura clicks her tongue and murmurs, "If I don't finish it by tomorrow then my boss will have my ass on a plate. It's not as if I wanted this."

The sound of the stove being turned off was heard before Sasuke faces her and gently says, "I'm not saying you wanted it. I'm only expressing that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself especially with work. You might get burn out." He comes closer to the dining table where she is sitting by, "I noticed you've been too stressed out lately. Take it easy."

"Is that why you're treating me like I'm some fine china for the past few weeks?" she asks.

She noticed it when it started again—those dark clouds forming in her atmosphere. This is different; a little darker than before. It's been a while since she experienced this growing knot of anxiety and restlessness inside her. Knowing Sasuke, she knows that he knew right away that something was going on with her.

For the past few weeks, her snappy remarks are always answered with a gentle gaze. Her aversion to physical intimacy is met by his respectful distance. Her lack of enthusiasm for things is handled by understanding smiles. It grates on her skin and makes her want to scream.

Sasuke always speaks his mind even if it's a painful truth. He is never afraid of arguments no matter how trivial it is and calls her out on her bullshit especially when it comes to her well-being.

Then why is he not doing that? Why is he not calling her out on the way she has been treating him lately?

Sasuke sounds very careful when he answers her, "I just don't want to see you burnt out in the end." He takes a few steps towards her and gently touches her hair, "You know I care for you."

She shakes her head to remove herself from his touch and walks away from Sasuke. "I don't want your pity, Sasuke." Sakura feels like an incoming storm forming in the atmosphere so she wants to stay physically away from him as much as possible. She doesn't want him to be a casualty when she finally landfalls in her kitchen.

She sees her boyfriend frowning even further, "I'm not pitying you... where did you get that idea?"

Sakura laughs humorlessly, "Please, Sasuke. It's the first thing you felt with me the moment you saw me there at the train station." Her eyes burn as she looks at his, "It's what kept you here with me until now. It's the only reason why you're staying with me."

"You know that's not true-"

"Isn't it?" she asks. "Tell me, why are you even with me? Why are you even wasting your time with a messed-up person like me, huh? You could have anything; anyone! Why me, if not because you feel sorry for me? I mean, look at me?!"

Her voice starts to rise in volume, anxiety written all over her paling face and shaking body, and she shouts as she continues. "I'm a complication! I'm a fucking liability!" She balls her fists when she feels them trembling and her voice is weak when she asks, "Why? Why me?"

His eyes are still gentle, but there is an emotion that makes her throat tighten further. "I love you," he whispers, the weight of the words echoing throughout her kitchen. It's not the first time he said it, but it's the first time Sakura feels pain when she hears it.

She shakes her head, "No... I don't believe you... how can you love me? I am treating you like shit! I-" she stops to take a deep breath. She can feel her eyes sting. "I can't even love myself..."

Sasuke takes a few long strides until he is in front of her shivering form. He tentatively holds her face with his warm hands, making Sakura involuntarily sigh in the process. "I stay because I love you..." His eyes scan her face and Sakura feels like bursting at the seams from too much emotion. "...because I want to be with you. Not just in your good days but most especially during your bad ones, no matter how frequent they are..."

He touches her forehead with his own and softly says, "I stay because I choose to. I choose you every time, Sakura. I always will."

Sakura tightly grips the wrists that hold her face and feels her tears coming. She heartbreakingly whispers, "I can't even love you the way you deserve, Sasuke-kun..."

She sees him smile a little, his head shaking no, and she feels him kiss her forehead. "It doesn't matter to me," he responds. "The only person capable of knowing what I deserve is me. And as long as you love me, Sakura... that's enough for me." He looks at her then and smiles achingly.

"So just let me be with you... let me love you, Sakura."

Her dam breaks right after that. All her pent-up emotions from the past month come crashing down on her and the sobs she is reigning in for so long are finally out. She buries her face against Sasuke's neck while he wraps his strong arms around her even tighter, and she cries.

She cries out for the times she wasn't able to. She cries because of her too loud mind. She cries because of her exhausted beating heart. Her knees start to give out as she weeps so she clung her arms around Sasuke, her only source of strength, and they hit the floor gently together.

"I got you," she hears him murmur against her hair. "I got you, baby."

Sasuke repeats it, again and again, and again; until those are the only words she can recognize. He whispers it over and over until she realizes that for the nth time since meeting Sasuke—today is not her last day on earth.

When she opens her eyes, the sunlight immediately makes her close them again. She takes a few seconds of deep breathing before opening it again, just to see Sasuke's sleeping face beside her. He still has his clothes from yesterday on, his hair mussed up from sleep, and his pink lips slightly pouting from his deep slumber.

Her heart gives a weak sigh with the view. Sakura recalls what happened last night—the food, the outburst, the tears. Most of all—Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke.

She remembers how they stayed for god knows how long on the floor just holding each other; how she fell asleep in his arms, completely safe and sound, and how she wants to say sorry for what she did and what she said. She wanted to say thank you. She wanted to say those three words back.

Sakura has heard it a thousand times in the course of their blooming relationship, but she is afraid to say it back. Not because she knows the fact that he loves her more than she does, but because her love for him is real. Sakura Haruno is utterly in love with Sasuke Uchiha. She knows it now.

She raises her hand to gently sift through his soft hair and tries to say it in the morning breeze. "I love you," Sakura whispers to his sleeping face. She tries it again. "I love you, Sasuke-kun..."

Her green eyes widen when he sleepily smiles with his eyes still closed. "I know," he softly replies.

The hand on his hair suddenly stops and when she tries to untangle it from him, Sasuke grips her wrist gently. "Keep it there," he mumbles, burrowing his face on her pillow, then inhales deeply. "I like your hands on me." He blinks his one eye open and it crinkles when he smiles against her cushion. "Please?"

She bites her lip before nodding her head slightly. She continues to make her way through his hair, massaging his scalp in the process, earning her a content sigh from her lover.

Silence is a comfortable friend this morning, unlike the tensed vibe it had for the past month, and she remembers what else she wanted to say last night. Sakura clears her throat softly, "I'm sorry... about last night... about the things I said..."

Sasuke opens his eyes, directly looking at her, and hums in response. She continues to speak, "It's just been very difficult these past few weeks... I couldn't sleep well; I couldn't think well..." She trails. "I'm sorry for hurting you," she mutters.

Sakura suddenly feels his hand tugging her closer under the blanket. Her heart skips a beat as he kisses her nose when she got closer. He moves his arm to hold her waist tighter, "It's okay. I just don't want you to think you're alone." His eyes travel from her eyes to her lips before going back to her orbs again, "I want you to know I'm always here. Whatever it is. I know you're strong enough to face it alone, but it never hurts to ask for help from others when you think it's too much."

She meekly nods, "Yeah, I know..." She feels so guilty, remembering the look of hurt and concern on his handsome face last night. "I know that now... that's why I will try harder... to be better..." She holds his face and traces the features on his face with her fingers, "Please be patient with me... wait for me."

Sasuke turns his head to fully face her as he holds her face in return, "Please... I have been waiting for you to say you love me back for almost a year..." He leans in slightly to place a kiss on the corner of her mouth. "You should know by now I'm a patient man."

His nose touched hers back and forth and he murmurs against her lips, "I will wait forever for you, Sakura."

Sasuke is always the one who kisses her first, but this time—this time where his heart and his love and his passion are laid out on her baby blue bedsheets—Sakura kisses him first for the first time. She hoists herself to her elbows to lean down on his surprised lips. She kisses him with everything she has, no matter how scarce or how insufficient she thinks they may be, and she feels him kiss her back softly.

In her head it goes on forever, this meeting of hearts on a Saturday morning with the northern wind howling outside, and deep inside her is the desire to make it come true. She wants this forever, as long as he'll have her, and wants to stay within the warmth of his hands and lips on her.

When they part, she slightly smiles down on him and she sees him looking up at her, dark eyes brimming with morning light. It makes her glow inside knowing that she can see this exact sight every day if she tries.

And so, she tries today... and tomorrow... and the next day after... then the day after that, and so on.

She will keep on trying every damn day of her life.

She will keep on trying for him, for them... for herself.

She will keep on trying to make sure that when she finally leaves the earth on the day she is supposed to, she can leave with no regrets in her heart. She will leave with faith and hope, and of course—love.

But for now, she knows—with the certainty of someone who loves true—today is not her last day on earth.

~fin~

a/n: i know this is a bit heavy for a first fic this year, but this hits close to home. i started writing this last December '20 when i took a short hiatus from social media and the internet. it was a struggle and i just wanted to let it all out, and what better way for me to do that than to write it down using my otp right?

to anyone who finds themselves feeling like a hurricane, i want you to know you are not alone. please know it is okay to not be okay, and to seek help if need be. it's a tough battle, i know, but we will make it through. let's take it day by day. there will be days where it's cold and days where it's even colder than usual, but remember that it won't be cold forever. there is warmth and there is joy in life, and it comes when we open ourselves to love and be loved in return.

my dm's are always open if you need me. sending you all hugs!

PS. also, this song was inspired by northern wind by city and colour. please listen to it, and listen to that legend. dallas green forever!