I Can't Believe It's NOT Butter! Part 3
**
Phibby's Prosecution:
Rezo: Prosecution attorney, you may call your first witness.
Phibby: Yippee!! (runs to the front of the room) For my first witness, I call Xelloss, my..um, first witness.
Xelloss: (fakely limps over to Gaav, the security officer) Hi Gaav-y!
Gaav: (holds up the holy manga) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you L-sama?
Xelloss: Do I? Do I really want to? (cute smile)
Gaav: (whacks Xelloss with the holy manga) Just say 'I do'!!!
Xelloss: Oh, joy! We're getting married! I've been waiting for this day for all of my life!!
Gaav: -.- Just say it.
Xelloss: I do! When's the honeymoon, honey?
Gaav: SIT DOWN.
NoV: Bishounen, do you think you can win this case?
Bishounen: Can I have some chocolate pie?
NoV: (hands him pie) All right! So, using that, you can-win?
Bishounen: (mouth full) Wmmf whaf?
NoV: (Repeatedly slams head on desk) My life is garbage.
Xelloss: (finally sits down, after pestering Gaav) Hiya Rezo!
Rezo: Hi Xelloss!
Phibby: (clears throat) Xelloss, on the night of the twelfth, you were doing what?
Xelloss: Eating bananas with chocolate ice cream.
Rezo: Phibby, what does this have to do with ANYTHING?
Phibby: Absolutely nothing!
Rezo: -.-0 Please make your questions relevant.
Phibby: Kay. What happened to bruise your ribs, Xelloss?
Xelloss: (sniffle) She-she TICKLED me!! Incessantly. (begins to spew tears in every direction)
Phibby: (holds up an umbrella) Oh-kay, what did you do to -
Bishounen: Objection!!
Rezo: WHAADYAWANT??
Bishounen: A date with Vanessa Williams.
Minna: ...
Rezo: What do you want RIGHT NOW?
Bishounen: Oh! I wanted to know if anyone has a toothbrush. My teeth feel pie-y.
Rezo: Anyone have a toothbrush?
Amelia: As the champion of Justice, and the bringer of righteousness, I Amelia Wil Tesla de Seillune, have the desired item!
Bishounen: What?
Amelia: I've got a toothbrush, Mr. Bishounen.
Bishounen: Oh!
Amelia: (tosses the toothbrush to Bishounen)
Bishounen: (Catches it) Thanks!
Amelia: De nada!
Bishounen: ?
Amelia: It's Spanish for you're welcome, Mr. Bishounen!
Bishounen: Oh, oh-kay. (begins to brush his teeth)
NoV: (groans) See you in the intermission.
**
"We'll begin shooting the commercial first thing tomorrow morning," Milgasia announced.
"No!!!" Gourry cried. "I like Commercial! He's my friend! Don't shoot him!!"
Lina whacked Gourry on the head and scowled. "You know very well what he meant, you dummy."
Xelloss slinked behind Milgasia, unnoticeably. "Oh, Mil-Mil?"
"AAH!!!" Milgasia screamed, jumping out of his skin. "Don't do that!!!"
Xelloss began to sway back and forth, as the dragon before him started to sweat, as a look of pure terror crossed his face.
"Dragonfly, dragonfly, oh, dragonfly, dragonfly, fly, fly away!!" Xelloss sang.
Milgasia began to revisit those horrible memories of the last time Xelloss had sung that song.
"LINA!!!!" he wailed, crouching behind her, covering his head with her cape, frightened.
"Milgasia!!" Lina cried, nearly tripping over him. "What is it??"
"You promised!!" he shrieked, grasping her leg.
"Oh, right. No more dragonfly, no more jokes." Lina nodded, reminiscently. "Hey, guys, it's been a long night. Why don't we all hit the hay?"
Just for the sake of humor, Gourry picked up a bale of hay and punched it. "Oh-kay, Lina, I hit the hay. Now what?"
"GO TO BED!!!!!" she yelled.
Everyone began to slither their way up the stairs, as Lina shook a fist at them.
"Xelloss," she said, icily. He froze in mid-step.
"Yes, Lina-chan?" the mazoku replied.
"Stay. I'd like to have a word with you."
"All righty!" Xelloss exclaimed, eagerly. "What can I do you for?"
"Step into my office and I'll let you know," she said, opening a darkened door.
"Why, thank-you, Lina-chan!" the priest cried, clapping his hands together. "I do enjoy the dark!" He walked into the room, and found that it was a closet. "Oi, Lina-Lina???"
"Good night, Xelloss!"
SLAM!!!
The door was shut and locked.
"Very funny!!" Xelloss exclaimed, nervously. "You can let me out now! Lina??"
He heard her footsteps going up the stairs.
"Oh, foo."
**
Phibby's Prosecution:
Rezo: (slams gavel on the desk) Court is back in session! Quiet, people, quiet!! Phibby, you may continue.
Phibby: As I was saying, before I was so RUDELY interrupted, Xelloss, what did you do to deserve being tickled until black and blue marks appeared on your ribs?
Xelloss: I didn't do anything! (spews tears again) She said we were gonna have a milkshake!!
NoV: That's not true!
Rezo: Do you wish to be held in contempt?
Xelloss: Hold me!! Hold me in contempt! Gaav-chan, won't you?
Gaav: Ewww..
Phibby: (clears his throat) Now, Xelloss, how long were you tickled, against your will?
Xelloss: Oh, (sniffle) three or four weeks.
NoV: That's ridiculous and untrue!
Rezo: Do you want to be sent to jail early??
NoV: (Grumbles)
Phibby: And did you receive an apology?
Xelloss: No. I didn't.
Phibby: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. I'm done with this witness.
Rezo: Does the defense which to cross-examine?
Bishounen: Yeah, do they?
NoV: (jabs him with her elbow) That's you, bozo!!
Bishounen: Oh, yeah! Heh..
NoV: See you at the end..
**
The next day, everyone was geared up to start filming the commercial. Even those who were originally against Gourry's ambitions were helping out.
Lina ran the camera, Amelia was put in charge of wardrobe, Zelgadis handled the paper work, and..Xelloss sat brooding in the closet.
Everyone sat around, waiting for the star of the butter commercial, Gourry. Hours rolled by, and finally Zelgadis had had enough.
"Did you wake him up or not, Amelia??" the chimera demanded.
"I did, Mr. Zelgadis!" she affirmed. "He was acting kinda strange, though.."
"Here I am, people, fear no more!" a voice cried from the hallway.
All heads turned to look. Gourry was standing there, leaning against the wall, wearing sunglasses, and a bathrobe.
"Gourry?" Lina gaped, turning up her nose at the sight. "What in the HECK are you doing??"
"Hey, babe," he said, coolly. "What's kickin?"
"Babe?" Lina repeated, her face glowing red, and steam pouring out of her ears. "I'll show you 'babe'-"
"Ah, ah, ah!" Milgasia exclaimed, wagging a finger at her. "He signed a contract with me. If you harm my star, you'll be looking at ten years tops."
"Ooooooh!!" the dragon slayer seethed. "I'm outta here. If anybody wants to come with me, then let's go."
She stormed out of the building.
"Take me with you!!" Xelloss wailed from the closet.
"Shall we begin?" Milgasia wondered, quaintly.
"Let's do it," Zelgadis agreed, manning the camera.
"Now, Gourry, in this scene, I want you to look at the butter," Milgasia instructed. "Look at it, and FEEL it. BE it. THINK it. WANT it. LOVE it. You ARE butter. You LOVE butter. Then, you say your line, kiss Suzie the dummy, and we shoot the opening scene."
"Got it, love it," Gourry said, snidely, giving a peace sign.
He trodded over to the stage and posed, dramatically.
Zelgadis and Amelia sweatdropped.
"This should be very amusing," Amelia pointed out.
**
Phibby's Prosecution:
Bishounen: (walks over to the witness stand) Where were you on the thirtieth of February, 3079???
Xelloss: Um..February only has twenty-eight days, twenty-nine in January, and we haven't reached the year 3079 yet.."
Bishounen: (looks stunned) You're right. But, besides that, I bet you know something. Something like..the truth.
Xelloss: Rezo!! I'm being badgered!
Rezo: Defendant, you are not to badger the witness!!
Xelloss: :p ^.^
Bishounen: Oh-kay, now where was I..oh, yes. What is the formula for scientific notation?? Tell me, now!!
Xelloss: I don't know!!
NoV: Join us next time, to see my fate. My poor, sad fate.
**
Phibby's Prosecution:
Rezo: Prosecution attorney, you may call your first witness.
Phibby: Yippee!! (runs to the front of the room) For my first witness, I call Xelloss, my..um, first witness.
Xelloss: (fakely limps over to Gaav, the security officer) Hi Gaav-y!
Gaav: (holds up the holy manga) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you L-sama?
Xelloss: Do I? Do I really want to? (cute smile)
Gaav: (whacks Xelloss with the holy manga) Just say 'I do'!!!
Xelloss: Oh, joy! We're getting married! I've been waiting for this day for all of my life!!
Gaav: -.- Just say it.
Xelloss: I do! When's the honeymoon, honey?
Gaav: SIT DOWN.
NoV: Bishounen, do you think you can win this case?
Bishounen: Can I have some chocolate pie?
NoV: (hands him pie) All right! So, using that, you can-win?
Bishounen: (mouth full) Wmmf whaf?
NoV: (Repeatedly slams head on desk) My life is garbage.
Xelloss: (finally sits down, after pestering Gaav) Hiya Rezo!
Rezo: Hi Xelloss!
Phibby: (clears throat) Xelloss, on the night of the twelfth, you were doing what?
Xelloss: Eating bananas with chocolate ice cream.
Rezo: Phibby, what does this have to do with ANYTHING?
Phibby: Absolutely nothing!
Rezo: -.-0 Please make your questions relevant.
Phibby: Kay. What happened to bruise your ribs, Xelloss?
Xelloss: (sniffle) She-she TICKLED me!! Incessantly. (begins to spew tears in every direction)
Phibby: (holds up an umbrella) Oh-kay, what did you do to -
Bishounen: Objection!!
Rezo: WHAADYAWANT??
Bishounen: A date with Vanessa Williams.
Minna: ...
Rezo: What do you want RIGHT NOW?
Bishounen: Oh! I wanted to know if anyone has a toothbrush. My teeth feel pie-y.
Rezo: Anyone have a toothbrush?
Amelia: As the champion of Justice, and the bringer of righteousness, I Amelia Wil Tesla de Seillune, have the desired item!
Bishounen: What?
Amelia: I've got a toothbrush, Mr. Bishounen.
Bishounen: Oh!
Amelia: (tosses the toothbrush to Bishounen)
Bishounen: (Catches it) Thanks!
Amelia: De nada!
Bishounen: ?
Amelia: It's Spanish for you're welcome, Mr. Bishounen!
Bishounen: Oh, oh-kay. (begins to brush his teeth)
NoV: (groans) See you in the intermission.
**
"We'll begin shooting the commercial first thing tomorrow morning," Milgasia announced.
"No!!!" Gourry cried. "I like Commercial! He's my friend! Don't shoot him!!"
Lina whacked Gourry on the head and scowled. "You know very well what he meant, you dummy."
Xelloss slinked behind Milgasia, unnoticeably. "Oh, Mil-Mil?"
"AAH!!!" Milgasia screamed, jumping out of his skin. "Don't do that!!!"
Xelloss began to sway back and forth, as the dragon before him started to sweat, as a look of pure terror crossed his face.
"Dragonfly, dragonfly, oh, dragonfly, dragonfly, fly, fly away!!" Xelloss sang.
Milgasia began to revisit those horrible memories of the last time Xelloss had sung that song.
"LINA!!!!" he wailed, crouching behind her, covering his head with her cape, frightened.
"Milgasia!!" Lina cried, nearly tripping over him. "What is it??"
"You promised!!" he shrieked, grasping her leg.
"Oh, right. No more dragonfly, no more jokes." Lina nodded, reminiscently. "Hey, guys, it's been a long night. Why don't we all hit the hay?"
Just for the sake of humor, Gourry picked up a bale of hay and punched it. "Oh-kay, Lina, I hit the hay. Now what?"
"GO TO BED!!!!!" she yelled.
Everyone began to slither their way up the stairs, as Lina shook a fist at them.
"Xelloss," she said, icily. He froze in mid-step.
"Yes, Lina-chan?" the mazoku replied.
"Stay. I'd like to have a word with you."
"All righty!" Xelloss exclaimed, eagerly. "What can I do you for?"
"Step into my office and I'll let you know," she said, opening a darkened door.
"Why, thank-you, Lina-chan!" the priest cried, clapping his hands together. "I do enjoy the dark!" He walked into the room, and found that it was a closet. "Oi, Lina-Lina???"
"Good night, Xelloss!"
SLAM!!!
The door was shut and locked.
"Very funny!!" Xelloss exclaimed, nervously. "You can let me out now! Lina??"
He heard her footsteps going up the stairs.
"Oh, foo."
**
Phibby's Prosecution:
Rezo: (slams gavel on the desk) Court is back in session! Quiet, people, quiet!! Phibby, you may continue.
Phibby: As I was saying, before I was so RUDELY interrupted, Xelloss, what did you do to deserve being tickled until black and blue marks appeared on your ribs?
Xelloss: I didn't do anything! (spews tears again) She said we were gonna have a milkshake!!
NoV: That's not true!
Rezo: Do you wish to be held in contempt?
Xelloss: Hold me!! Hold me in contempt! Gaav-chan, won't you?
Gaav: Ewww..
Phibby: (clears his throat) Now, Xelloss, how long were you tickled, against your will?
Xelloss: Oh, (sniffle) three or four weeks.
NoV: That's ridiculous and untrue!
Rezo: Do you want to be sent to jail early??
NoV: (Grumbles)
Phibby: And did you receive an apology?
Xelloss: No. I didn't.
Phibby: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. I'm done with this witness.
Rezo: Does the defense which to cross-examine?
Bishounen: Yeah, do they?
NoV: (jabs him with her elbow) That's you, bozo!!
Bishounen: Oh, yeah! Heh..
NoV: See you at the end..
**
The next day, everyone was geared up to start filming the commercial. Even those who were originally against Gourry's ambitions were helping out.
Lina ran the camera, Amelia was put in charge of wardrobe, Zelgadis handled the paper work, and..Xelloss sat brooding in the closet.
Everyone sat around, waiting for the star of the butter commercial, Gourry. Hours rolled by, and finally Zelgadis had had enough.
"Did you wake him up or not, Amelia??" the chimera demanded.
"I did, Mr. Zelgadis!" she affirmed. "He was acting kinda strange, though.."
"Here I am, people, fear no more!" a voice cried from the hallway.
All heads turned to look. Gourry was standing there, leaning against the wall, wearing sunglasses, and a bathrobe.
"Gourry?" Lina gaped, turning up her nose at the sight. "What in the HECK are you doing??"
"Hey, babe," he said, coolly. "What's kickin?"
"Babe?" Lina repeated, her face glowing red, and steam pouring out of her ears. "I'll show you 'babe'-"
"Ah, ah, ah!" Milgasia exclaimed, wagging a finger at her. "He signed a contract with me. If you harm my star, you'll be looking at ten years tops."
"Ooooooh!!" the dragon slayer seethed. "I'm outta here. If anybody wants to come with me, then let's go."
She stormed out of the building.
"Take me with you!!" Xelloss wailed from the closet.
"Shall we begin?" Milgasia wondered, quaintly.
"Let's do it," Zelgadis agreed, manning the camera.
"Now, Gourry, in this scene, I want you to look at the butter," Milgasia instructed. "Look at it, and FEEL it. BE it. THINK it. WANT it. LOVE it. You ARE butter. You LOVE butter. Then, you say your line, kiss Suzie the dummy, and we shoot the opening scene."
"Got it, love it," Gourry said, snidely, giving a peace sign.
He trodded over to the stage and posed, dramatically.
Zelgadis and Amelia sweatdropped.
"This should be very amusing," Amelia pointed out.
**
Phibby's Prosecution:
Bishounen: (walks over to the witness stand) Where were you on the thirtieth of February, 3079???
Xelloss: Um..February only has twenty-eight days, twenty-nine in January, and we haven't reached the year 3079 yet.."
Bishounen: (looks stunned) You're right. But, besides that, I bet you know something. Something like..the truth.
Xelloss: Rezo!! I'm being badgered!
Rezo: Defendant, you are not to badger the witness!!
Xelloss: :p ^.^
Bishounen: Oh-kay, now where was I..oh, yes. What is the formula for scientific notation?? Tell me, now!!
Xelloss: I don't know!!
NoV: Join us next time, to see my fate. My poor, sad fate.