Three: Falling for You
As they neared the house, Spike slowed. With each step, tension built within him knowing that he'd have to tell the tale of what had happened to him. As long as the Little Bit's around, he figured, could keep things vague. Maybe just stick to the wheres and whats, and what I can figure about the hows. Leave out the whys and the because of whom. His mind began to race as he tried to figure out where he'd start... what he'd say.
"I'm gonna get a soda. You guys want something?" Dawn asked as she breezed through to the kitchen.
"That'd be great, Dawn," Buffy replied, taking off her jacket.
"Thanks 'Bit," Spike said with a nod as he stepped cautiously into the living room. "So... ah... that was quite the red herring out there today, eh?"
"Yeah. But I should be so lucky as to walk away from every fight with only my pride hurting," Buffy joked, plopping down on the couch then motioning for Spike to sit. Taking a pop from her sister, she said, "Thanks Dawn."
"So, are we gonna beat around the bush or are you gonna tell me what's goin' on?" the girl grumbled. "How come you could be out in the sun? Some sort of magic, or what?" Dawn sat down on the floor at Spike's feet staring at him expectantly.
"Dawn!" Buffy snapped.
Spike assured, "S'all right, Slayer. Guess it's about time for some answers." He took a deep breath then exhaled slowly, which seemed almost strange to him to do without a cigarette --- even though he'd done a lot of it in the past 24 hours. "Well, when I left... you know, ah... I travelled to Africa. Quite a trip, that was. Had to stow away in the cargo hold of a ship." Spike was putting on a good show: full of gestures and facial expressions. "Not so bad, though. Lots of junk to root through. Kept me busy. Hot and cold running rats and all. Plenty of fresh nibbles."
"Gross Spike!" Dawn grimaced.
"Anyway... I was looking for... well, I'm not sure what, but there was this master demon, ya see. Living in a cave, he was. Really powerful. Heard he'd grant wishes and the like for them whot could survive his challenges. Well, the long and short of it is, when I walked away I was alive." Spike settled into his seat, relieved that at least the gist of the story was out in the open.
"Well, yeah. And..." Dawn prodded, not quite understanding.
Buffy spoke up, "Dawn, what Spike is saying is that he's not a vampire anymore; he's alive."
"Alive? You mean..."
"Dawn, I'm a 'real boy'," he smirked. "I eat. I breathe. I can stroll through the park in the middle sunniest day of the year. And I can finally see what I'm doing when I colour my hair."
"And you're still going with the platinum blond?" Buffy snickered.
Spike turned his face away, feigning hurt.
Then the phone rang.
"I'll get it." Dawn jumped to her feet and headed to the kitchen.
"There's a lot you're leaving out, isn't there?" posed Buffy knowingly.
Spike caught her eyes. "Was hoping the 'Cliff Notes' version would do the trick." He paused, wanting the brief story to be enough for Buffy as well for Dawn, but knowing it wouldn't be.
When Dawn came back, Buffy inquired about the call.
"Oh, that was just Janice. Her mom figured her dad should cough up for a shopping spree to settle her nerves over that giant spider thing. I guess he'd signed some paper with the film company to OK their house being in the spider movie... or something." Dawn shrugged. "Whatever. He didn't tell her at least... so there was all that screaming and stuff. I don't know... but Janice wanted me to go with. I thought I should stick around here, huh?"
"Actually, Dawn," Buffy began, a mix of sincerity and urgency in her tone, "I think this might be easier for Spike and me if we had some time on our own. To talk. Do you understand?"
Dawn looked to Spike who nodded. She rolled her eyes and grabbed her coat. "And Spike," she remarked with a shy smile, "cool about the being alive thing." Then she was out the door.
Shaking her head, Buffy turned to Spike. "These kids today... They get distracted so easily."
Taking a chance, Spike slid closer to Buffy on the couch and swung an arm over her shoulder. "Can distract you too, luv," he suggested lecherously, only half joking.
"Spike..." Her heart fluttered. This is the Spike I remember. "I think we should talk first."
Spike shifted and looked at her with a wide-eyed smirk. "First?"
Yeah, definitely the Spike I remember. "I mean, I think we should talk," she corrected.
"Figured you might," Spike replied, disappointed if not surprised. "What shall we talk about, then?"
"How about you begin at the beginning," she recommended. "I know it might seem obvious, but . why did you leave?"
Uneasy, Spike moved back to where he'd been sitting on the end of the couch. Before he could even begin images of that night months ago in the bathroom flashed across his mind. Focus, you stupid git. "Well, I was feeling pretty awful when I left you here that night. Went back to the crypt... Tried to numb my feelings... Clem happened by," he rattled off. "Talked a bit. Helped me see that I needed to do something to turn my life around. Guess I'm lucky he did too. Might've done something I'd have regretted..." He hesitated, looking deep in to Buffy's eyes. ". maybe even more than I regretted what I'd done to you."
Buffy looked away, feeling the tears forming in her eyes.
"So, I grabbed a couple of things, got on my motorcycle and set off for places unknown." Spike paused and took a long sip of his pop. "Eech... How can you people drink this stuff?" he said, hoping to lighten the mood a little.
Buffy gave a half-smile and a shoulder shrug.
"Well, after a few weeks of hanging out in demon flop-houses and bars, I learned about this guy --- master demon, like I said. Heard he could read one's mind and grant deepest desires." Funny... he chuckled lightly. "Anyway... I went as far as I could on my bike. Boarded a couple trains, semi-trucks and that sort before stowin' away on the freighter. Made my way to one of the darkest regions of Africa. When I met up with that demon, I thought I was ready for anything. Was ready to die if that's what it took. Least that would end the... the feelings I was having."
Buffy just sat still and quiet, finding this harder to hear with every passing sentence --- harder to hear, just as she was certain it was harder for him to talk about. She wanted to reach out to him, but couldn't; it took everything in her just to keep from crying.
As Spike got deeper into the story, he felt it increasingly difficult to look at her. His heart ached; he wished she would say something; and he was really starting to regret giving up smoking. Another breath. "I'll skip the gorier details and just say that there were these brutal trials. Ponce didn't figure me to be able to handle his challenges," he growled. "Took some doing, I'll admit, but I bested every one."
"So then he made you human again?" Buffy managed to get out.
"Well, I figured he'd just yard out that bleeding chip in my 'ead. Come to think of it, I've no idea whether it's still there or not," he pondered, cocking his head to the side. He shrugged. "Anyway... that's when the wanker grabbed my chest and told me my soul was returned." He shook his head. "'Bloody hell,' I thought. 'How is that what I wanted? What I asked for? Could read my mind, they said. My arse. Gonna turn me into the bleeding poof himself,' I thought. 'Gonna get all moody and broody. Bad enough I've got this bloody chip,'" he said, smacking his head, "'now, you're sticking me with a soul as well. Well, what the bleeding hell was the bloody point of all this.' I figured I was worse off than I started." He balled his hands up into fists. "As if I wasn't in enough pain already feeling like I did about you..." With wild wide eyes, he looked at Buffy before turning away. "Oh yes," Spike said in a melodramatic high pitch tone as he leapt to his feet. He was becoming quite agitated. "We've heard all about Spike. Got himself neutered by a bunch of toy soldiers then got what was left of him zapped by a soul. Hear between the guilt and electrical shocks, he set himself on fire when the chip short circuited as he beat his head against the wall."
Buffy stood up slowly and stepped toward him. Reaching an arm out, she touched his back and began rubbing in the hope of calming him.
He startled, throwing his hands in the air. Buffy lost her balance and fell back on the couch.
"Buffy!" Spike yelled. "Oh god luv." He snapped out of his crazed state. Breathing hard now, he dropped to the floor, arms on Buffy's knees and wept. "I'm sorry... so sorry."
She cautiously lifted her hand to his head and gently ran her fingers through his hair, causing him to shiver slightly at her touch. "Shhh... It's OK. Take a deep breath. It's OK. I'm fine. You're safe. Shh... "
He took some time to regain his composure, struggled a little to sit back on the couch, sipped a while on the pop...
Together they sat in silence.
When he seemed calmer, Buffy took his hand. "Do you think you can go on?"
"Fine now," he replied, eyes still blurred by tears.
Those eyes...
"I was pretty badly beaten. Probably looked a right mess. Lay there in that dark cave for what seemed like days. Nothing to eat. Nout to drink," he remarked. "I was really starting to feel that the hunger and thirst was hurting me more than the wounds so I dragged myself up and made my way out of the cave. Didn't quite make it on my first attempt." He huffed with a half-smile. "Woke up after the sun had come up just inside the mouth of the cave. Thought I was on fire what with the smell of burning flesh and all. That's when I realized I was alive. Odd feelin' that. Being alive after being dead so long."
"Know what you mean," Buffy added, smiling coyly.
At that moment, he looked up at her. Her hair seemed to glow in the light cascading over her from the late afternoon sun streaming through the window. My beautiful Buffy. He gazed at her in awe a moment before continuing. "Turns out there was a small village nearby. Guess they were worshippers of the demon or some such 'cause they seemed right impressed when I crawled out of there alive." Quickly he amended, "At all, in fact. They offered me food and water, shelter. Dressed my wounds. Took right good care of me for days after when I did little else but sleep. When my body got strong again, that was when the real suffering began.
"Now, if you ever tell the Great Poof that I said this, I'll deny it," Spike warned, "but I've got to give old Angel credit for livin' as long as he has with the burden of all the atrocities he's said to have committed before getting himself cursed. I mean, those first days of my new life were a living hell of violent images of what I'd done, of what I'd been for more than a hundred years." He sighed again. "S'pose I got off easier than the old man though. Havin' Dru by my side for most of those years gave me purpose outside the killing. Love of a good woman and all," Spike said with a fatigued and slightly hysterical laugh.
"I wasn't so much for playin' with my prey like some. I ate what I needed, shared with Dru when she was too weak to fend for herself. Wasn't one for getting my rocks off torturing people. Did my fighting with them what had a chance of defendin' 'emselves. Guess that's why I sought out and found myself three Slayers in my day. The challenge of the fight and all." He glanced up with a reflective look and a hint of pride.
"Course there was that third Slayer, ya know," he said a fiendish smile curling his lips as he shook his head, eyes staring off blindly. "She'd be both my death and resurrection. not to mention all the E-rections," he finished, turning to Buffy with a devilish gleam in his eyes.
Buffy gasped then bit her lip, embarrassed by his admission.
"Buffy, you made me want to be a better man. Spent my last years as a vampire trying to do good for you. Did all I could think of on my own to win you over," he insisted. "When I'd finally given up all hope that you would ever love me, I set out to find someone who could help me. Get me back to the way I was. Big Bad and all. Hell, I didn't even realize when I went to that demon what he knew about me on sight: that what I really wanted was to be a man." He looked her straight in the eyes, "For you, luv."
With that, Buffy was lost in the emotion. "Spike..." she exclaimed in a breathy tone leaning into him, kissing him firmly and passionately.