Four:  INNER STRUGGLE

Can't believe this is happening.  "Oh Buffy," Spike gasped for breath.  "I've missed you.  Missed being with you."

Until that moment, Buffy could think of nothing but the kissing.  Distracted slightly by the brief split, she noticed how familiar and yet how different this was --- especially for the two of them.  His lips... his mouth... his tongue... so warm and wet.  Their kisses:  passionate, deep and firm without being savage.  Buffy leaned in closer sliding her hands under his shirt.  Still so hard... she noted, gliding her hands up the ripples of his abs and across his muscular chest.  But now she could feel his heart pound --- so strongly, ever faster as his excitement heightened at the feeling of her soft hands on his skin.

Spike raked his fingers through her long golden locks.  Her hair...  He breathed in the scent of it as he felt it fall in cascades over their bodies.

As their desire deepened, their breathing became more shallow; their hands moved more frantically.  More, I need more.  Together, hungry for the feeling of skin against skin, they tugged at each at the other's shirt, breaking from their embrace only to shed the cotton skins that separated them.

Wanting to savour the moment, Spike held Buffy at arms length studying her delicate form. Exquisite... Floating his hand over the silky skin of her shoulder, brushing the hair away as he moved up the slight curve of her neck, along her jaw-line to her chin, he relished the feel of her.

As his fingers crossed her lips, she kissed them gently.  Encouraging the last one into her mouth, she licked and sucked it attentively before giving a teasing nip. 

All the while they gazed deeply into each other's eyes.  This must be a dream...

His hand ventured gingerly back down her neck to cup one of her lace-covered breasts.  She shuddered at the tenderness of his touch.  With his free hand he pulled her in to straddle his lap.  Kissing her deeply again, he unhooked her bra and seductively slid it off her shoulders, dropping it to the floor.

With one hand caressing his chest, Buffy drew the other behind his neck.  Leaning into him, she began to nip and suck on his earlobe.  The sensation caused Spike to squirm and shift his weight on the couch, the tightness in his pants becoming increasingly difficult to bear.  With that subtle cue, Buffy eased her hand from his chest, over his abs, to rest on the growing bulge beneath her.

This is bloody amazing... Yes!  As she began to unbutton his fly, Spike panted, "Oh God... Buffy."  I need you... Need you to love me, his mind and heart cried.

"I want you," she said breathily.

No... Not just that.  It's not enough.  Love me.  Please.  Love me.  He couldn't take it.  Stop.  This is too much.  Too soon.  Too. He tensed and pulled away grabbing her hand, stopping her from freeing him from his denim prison --- stopping her from doing what he so vehemently wanted her to do.  "Buffy, not like this.  Not now," he exclaimed with an almost audible pain in his chest.

"I don't understand.  What's wrong?"  Desperate, trembling and confused, she shook her head. "Spike. please," she whimpered.

Spike cradled one side of her head in his hand and she pressed into it, finding solace in his touch.  Brushing a tear from her cheek, he looked deep into her glistening eyes and spoke, "Buffy... I do want you --- more than you can imagine.  So much that it almost kills me... to stop. But not like this.  We can't rush into anythin', luv.  Not now.  Things are different... I'm different."  But I'm so afraid that you still can't love me.

She looked hurt, rejected, and it grieved him to know what his words and actions were doing.  I'm so sorry... but I need more this time...  But then his alter ego kicked in. What are you doing, ya pillock?  Go ahead: shag 'er silly!  It's what she wants.  What you want.  Clearly having a soul didn't free the bearer of his lusty thoughts.

Oh God... What's wrong with me?  He doesn't love me anymore?  Damn it!  Again too late! Buffy slumped.

He shook his head, "Buffy. No." and quickly cast his eyes away then back to hers.  "The way I feel about you hasn't changed.  I love you.  I do.  But now... Buffy, I'm alive now.  It's not like before when you just made me feel alive," he chuckled, pulling her head to his chest.  He held her tightly with one arm while the other stroked her hair.  "My heart beats.  Blood flows through me.  I'm alive... and therefore presumably capable of creating life."  What's happened to me?

Buffy jerked back, astonished.  Not only had the idea of getting pregnant never crossed her mind, she was stunned that it had occurred to Spike.

A little reality check and now she'll stop... God she's gorgeous.  He smiled, a warmth in his eyes that went right through her.  "I'm still just getting used to this new life of mine.and I'm hoping you're getting comfier with yours."  He paused looking for affirmation.  "Thought maybe we could just slow things down and get to know each other. Learn about our new lives together."

Together they sat silently for a moment.

"Or, if you'd prefer..."  He waggled a brow.  "I could just nip out to the chemist and nick us some..."

Buffy let out a brief laugh, then took his head in her hands.  "Stay with me now."

"' course, luv. Always."  As long as you want me. As long as you'll have me. 'Til you tell me to go...

She saw the look of awe cross his face... his eyes, much as she had seen them that first day of her new life.  Seems right, she thought, for our new lives to begin in your eyes. Your beautiful eyes.  Suddenly self-conscious, she shifted to get up.

His heart sank as she slipped off his lap and began to collect the clothes they'd shed.

"Hate for Dawn to walk in and see this.  She wouldn't understand..." Buffy said, holding the small collection over her breasts with one hand, "Well, she probably would but... so not going there."  Then, she offered the other hand to Spike.

Uncertain as to what was to follow but trusting Buffy implicitly, he grasped the tiny hand and rose to his feet.  Sliding the clothes-filled hand around him, Buffy pulled Spike close to her, eyes fluttering closed as she moved up to kiss him.

A tender kiss that moved both of their hearts.

Then, leaving the comfort of his lips, she dotted soft pecks across his cheek and whispered a simple, "Thank you," in his ear.  Buffy pulled away from him and turned toward the hall.  Still clutching his hand, she led up the stairs.