REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED BEN(NOT LUKE)WARM
The fruit of yet another day and half labor. A little longer and more heart-felt than the first chapter. Concealed accidents can lead to Masters playing tricks on Padawans, as Obi-Wan and his friend Kikel learn. Both are fourteen.
Rated PG-13 for language.
Notes from me: you get my highest respect if you know where the idea of the prank comes from.
(Late at night in the Jedi Temple Library in a dimly-lit empty section are Obi-Wan Kenobi and Kikel Manhal. They sit at desks with laptops before them.)
Obi-Wan: (yawns) I'm so tired.
Kikel: (typing on his computer) No shit.
Obi-Wan: I can't write a term paper under these conditions.
Kikel: You procrastinated, you Kowakian lizard monkey. It's your fault you haven't written it yet.
Obi-Wan: MY fault? YOU'RE the one who decided to go bowling seven nights in a row.
Kikel: Well, the girls who work there can't get enough of me! Besides, I knew I could write a term paper in one night. It's your fault for not knowing your own limits!
Obi-Wan: You always dragged me along! I meant to do my work this week. But now because of your female fantasies, I have a term paper due in (checks his wrist chrono) six hours and I haven't gotten a wink of sleep.
Kikel: Well, I'm done. So, you can read mine if it will help you.
Obi-Wan: Thanks. (reads the monitor) 'Levitation Mastery Via the Force. By Kikel Manhal. The common approach to the simple task of levitation with the Force is to imagine the object in question being very light.' Hey, that's what I have so far.
Kikel: That's all you have? (muttering) Stang, you are hopeless.
Obi-Wan: (not hearing him, continues) 'So light, in fact, that it can float, and the object obeys this imagination-fueled mental command. This does not work for all beings, especially those with deeper understandings of the Force. Any being with even the slightest intelligence can imagine an object to be light, but a Jedi somehow uses the Force to make that object levitate. A Jedi's harness of the Force is just as important as the task he attempts to execute.' You've lost me pal.
Kikel: Keep reading. You need the enlightenment.
Obi-Wan: (continues) 'For instance, if there were a certain congregation of people who worshipped a certain god, they would not be worshipping the same god since, in their individuality, they each perceive that god in their own unique way, making the god they worship truly their own version of that god.' What?!
Kikel: Keep going.
Obi-Wan: 'So ipso facto...' Ipso whatso?
Kikel: By that very fact.
Obi-Wan: Oh. 'So ipso facto, the Force itself is perceived and harnessed by individuals who each have a different concept of it. Which is why I suppose we are given these philosophy assignments. Am I right, Master Farrel?' Then you made a little smiley face that's winking.
Kikel: ...
Obi-Wan: 'However, our different views are encouraged not only by our individual minds, but they are also hindered by the fact that we have physical bodies.' I don't believe this.
Kikel: ...
Obi-Wan: '...have physical bodies. We have all heard Master Yoda say "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter." Our vessels are partly an obstruction to understanding the Force. We will attach words to describe mannerisms of the Force...' The Force doesn't have mannerisms, Kikel.
Kikel: Does it?
Obi-Wan: Well, no, it, well, hang on, sure, um... Shut up.
Kikel: You asked.
Obi-Wan: (continues) Where was I... '...mannerisms of the Force when in fact the rules our bodies have should not at all apply to the rules, if there are any, to the Force. Those who do not believe in this theory-'
Kikel: That'd be you, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: (angrily as he reads) '...have a lesser comprehension of the Force and therefore are unable to use it to their advantage.' You butthole.
Kikel: Just continue.
Obi-Wan: 'These are the beings who use the if-it-is-light-it-will-float idea when using the Force to levitate an object. However, a deeper understanding of the Force as shown by the Dark Woman demonstrates that a small faction of Jedi separate as much of their physical rules as they can from the Force. The Dark Woman has separated physical rules so much from her control of the Force that she has gone so far as to drop her physical name. Others like herself are teaching themselves the ultimate power of the Force that a weaker, undisciplined mind can not comprehend.' You're calling me stupid!
Kikel: No, I'm not. Trust me.
Obi-Wan: -grrr....- You know, I'm not even going to finish it.
Kikel: There's not much more to it.
Obi-Wan: There are five more paragraphs!
Kikel: Are there? Oh, yes, I go on describing the differences between the way a mind controls the Force and the way a spirit controls the Force.
Obi-Wan: Spirits don't control the Force!
Kikel: Do they?
Obi-Wan: Shut up!
Kikel: Well, let me read what you've written. 'How To Make Things Float. By Obi-Wan Kenobi.' So you're going for the blunt approach? I keep telling you to leave them reefers alone, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: Huh?
Kikel: (continues) 'When I was young and I wanted to make something float-' You spelled 'float' wrong, Obi-Wan. '...by using the Force, I tried to imagine the object being really light. Now, I've broadened my thoughts by imagining gravity to suddenly stop having an effect on the object. This requires more focus-' Spelled focus wrong, too. '...because you might accidentally make something else in the room float with it.' (scrolling down on the screen) That's all you have?
Obi-Wan: yes...
Kikel: What the Hell's wrong with you? That's ALL you can write? You're usually the wordy one.
Obi-Wan: Well, I haven't got my thoughts straightened out yet.
Kikel: Evidently. This is poorer than a flea who has seventeen little fleas at home to feed, a sick Mrs. Flea in the flea hospital, and he's just been laid off at the flea factory.
Obi-Wan: Why all the flea references?
Kikel: Cause you've got one right here... (pinches something out of his hair)
Obi-Wan: Hey!
Kikel: (studies it) No, my mistake. It's a tick.
Obi-Wan: Well, what do you expect? I haven't bathed since this morning, I haven't gotten any sleep, I need to write a term paper that can make or break my grade in six hours, I need to go to sleep, I need to get a standpoint for my argument, I need an argument, and I want to go home!
Kikel: You're such a whiner.
Obi-Wan: Well, you're the one who's responsible for all this!
Kikel: Me?
Obi-Wan: Yes you. I needed to do my work and you knew I needed to do my work but you didn't let me...
Kikel: When I asked if you wanted to come bowling too you could have just said no.
Obi-Wan: Stop being logical while I'm talking! Because of you, I have nothing to say about levitation. And, because of you, I'll get a bad grade because yours is so good and mine is denser than... than...
Kikel: Pudding?
Obi-Wan: THAN SOMETHING THAT'S REALLY DENSE!!!
Kikel: Keep your voice down. You'll wake the whole Temple.
Obi-Wan: This is all your fault!
Kikel: Obi-Wan, you're totally hysterical. Just calm down...
Obi-Wan: No, get away from me! (throws a book at him. Kikel catches it)
Kikel: I'll help you write your paper. Just calm down.
Obi-Wan: I'm tired, unbathed, and flea-ridden because of you! (throws another book at him and hits him the face)
Kikel: OWWW!!! That thing has corners, you know.
Obi-Wan: (starts typing at Kikel's computer) And now, I'm going to delete your paper...
Kikel: No! That thing took thirty minutes of my life to write! (grabs Obi-Wan from behind and tries to pry him backward. Obi-Wan blindly flails for the keyboard.) Take a chill pill, Ken.
Obi-Wan: Let me go!
Kikel: (tugs him backward hard) Quit freakin' out.
Obi-Wan: Must... delete... superior... file...
Kikel: I'LL write your paper for you!
Obi-Wan: No! (flings Kikel off and jumps up from his chair) I may not have energy, or a calm mind, or a clean body, but I do have dignity, and I'M GOING TO DO MY OWN WORK!
Kikel: Obi-Wan, I just want to help.
Obi-Wan: No, you don't! (snatches a book from a nearby shelf and hurls it at Kikel)
Kikel: (dodges it) You insane gundark. (throws another book at him and hits him in the arm when he shields his crotch)
Obi-Wan: (gasps) You're aiming to cripple!
Kikel: I'm aiming to stop you.
Obi-Wan: Don't you know it is against the Jedi Code to aim below the belt?
Kikel: I'll keep throwing books until you either quit freaking out or when you lie on the ground clutching your power packs.
Obi-Wan: Not my power packs; I'll kick your ass!
Kikel: Oh, yeah, well then... (puts his fists up) Put 'em up!
Obi-Wan: (knowing that Kikel is a good fighter) Er, no! You put 'em up.
Kikel: (pause) Mine are up.
Obi-Wan: No they're not.
Kikel: Yes, they are.
Obi-Wan: No they're not.
Kikel: Yes, they are. I can see my own fists, for Force' sake.
Obi-Wan: And I can see your fists, also and they are not up!
Kikel: Yes, they are, laserbrains. (stares at them obviously) Hey, look. I have fists. I never would have expected-
(While Kikel goes on in sarcasm, Obi-Wan snatches a book and hurls it at him, but it bounces off his hands that are up)
Kikel: Ha! I TOLD you they were up! Now, take this!
(Kikel hurls a book at his head. Obi-Wan ducks and the book smashes into the head bust of the Jedi Master Millen Senyar behind him. The bust falls off its column and shatters into many tiny bits, causing a very loud sound that could easily be heard and felt even through insulation.)
Kikel: hohhhhh...
Obi-Wan: not good...
Kikel: ...
Obi-Wan: ...
Kikel: ...
Obi-Wan: ....
Kikel: ...
Obi-Wan: no way out...
Kikel: (whispering) i think we should clean it up, obi-wan.
Obi-Wan: No Way Out...
Kikel: and then leave very quietly.
Obi-Wan: NO WAY OUT...
Kikel: oh force. we are screwed.
Obi-Wan: yeah... Wait. We? Who's we? You're the one that broke it.
Kikel: You started it!
Obi-Wan: No, I didn't.
Kikel: You're jealous of me!
Obi-Wan: No I'm not!
Kikel: Yes, you are.
Obi-Wan: Nuh-uh!
Kikel: Wait, wait, wait. What are we doing? Our hides will be the Council's if we stand here and argue in the midst of a shattered bust. Let's get it cleaned up and then run like there's no tomorrow.
Obi-Wan: (gathering the pieces in his cloak) Don't talk like that. I want a tomorrow. I like tomorrow. I love tomorrow. It's only a day away...
Kikel: Sh! Just get it cleaned up. I'll put the books back and pack up our stuff.
Obi-Wan: OK.
~A Few Minutes Later~
Kikel: Right, all cleaned up. Let's split.
Obi-Wan: What about the pieces? The bust can still be fixed.
Kikel: We'll hide them in the gardens. I know a spot that's great for hiding this sort of thing.
~A few minutes later~
Obi-Wan: Now that that's buried, I'm going back to my room. I plan to sleep for at least one REM cycle, then I'll get up and finish my report.
Kikel: I can help you.
Obi-Wan: Of course you will. It's your fault, after all.
Kikel: -grumble- Just go to bed, Obi-Wan.
~Six hours later ~
(Philosophy class)
Farrel: Good morning class! Now, to start things off I'll alleviate a large chunk of your stress and have you pass up your reports now.
Obi-Wan: We did a good job, right Kikel?
Kikel: Could've done better myself.
Obi-Wan: (too tired to notice) hmmm.
Farrel: And now, to more serious matters. Last night, the bust of Master Millen Senyar was knocked off its column in the Library. Although the large pieces are missing, the dust and small fragments of it have been found.
Obi-Wan and Kikel: -gulp-
Farrel: So far, no one has come forward to claim responsibility. So, that means that when the culprit is caught, they were be punished without mercy.
Kikel: We're hosed if we're caught.
Obi-Wan: Then we won't be. We'll fix the bust and put it back after a couple of weeks, when things cools down.
Kikel: I don't know if it will cool down. Millen Senyar was a very important Master of old, nearly as important as Master Thon.
Obi-Wan: Master Thon? Was Senyar from the time of the Old Republic?
Kikel: A little later, I think, by about one thousand years. You know how Odan-Urr had an academy on Ossus? Millen Senyar took a leaf out of his book and helped found the academy on Coruscant.
Obi-Wan: There is no Jedi academy on Coruscant.
Kikel: The Temple, stupid.
Obi-Wan. oh. right.
Kikel: So, all the historians are really pissed off that the only ancient molding of the likeness of Millen Senyar has been destroyed and Jocasta Nu is patrolling the Library, breathing down anyone's neck who even glances at the busts.
Obi-Wan: We're gonna die.
Kikel: No, we'll fix it and sneak it back in one night.
Obi-Wan: Okay, let's leave it hidden for a little while longer. We'll keep our ears open for anything, agreed?
Kikel: Agreed.
Obi-Wan and Kikel: (they do their secret handshake) 'Silence I've got/ or I'll eat my snot.'
~Later that day~
(Two Jedi, Master Farrel and the teenager's guidance counselor Master Minanoka, speak to each other in the teacher's lounge.)
Minanoka: You think Kikel is up to something?
Farrel: Obi-Wan, also.
Minanoka: Well, of course, if Kikel has done something Obi-Wan is always somehow involved. What do you suspect them of?
Farrel: Spice.
Minanoka: (surprised) Really?
Farrel: It seems so unlike him to stoop so low, but I have my suspicions.
Minanoka: Which are? Kikel is not a stupid boy, and Obi-Wan is not completely lacking in sense either.
Farrel: Well, in my class this morning, they were drowsy, had bags under their eyes... they could barely keep their heads up!
Minanoka: Well, your class is not the most thrilling subject.
Farrel: Well, they usually take interest in it. It's broadens Obi-Wan horizon and Kikel likes to argue endlessly with me. But this morning they were not themselves.
Minanoka: Perhaps I should check Kikel's hiding place.
Farrel: Kikel has a hiding place?
Minanoka: Oh yes. As his counselor, I know more about him than his Master probably does.
Farrel: Your job 'eh?
Minanoka: I am the ultimate Jedi meddler.
~That night~
(Minanoka is in the gardens digging in the exact place Kikel and Obi-Wan had buried the head yesterday.)
Minanoka: Nothing so far. (his hand brushes something hard) Hello, hello. And what could this be? Glitterstim, maybe. It looks like ceramic. And here's more... and more. They're everywhere. And here's a... nose? What's a nose doing in here? And an eye complete with brows. Wait a second... This isn't... But it IS Master Senyar's head. Kikel, Kikel, Kikel, Kikel, Kikel. You are in deep sushi. But how to punish you? You certainly deserve it. Speaking of deserving punishment, Obi-Wan probably helped him out. I bet they were up late at night in the Library. They were goofing off and broke the bust and then hid it away. Phft. Cowards. Well then, I will have to strike fear into their hearts, and I think I know how.
~The next day~
(Philosophy class. Master Minanoka is standing at the front of the class wearing a very big fake smile.)
Kikel: (loudly) A camping trip, Master Farrel?
Farrel: Yes, a camping trip. The class will be going to the polar ice caps of Coruscant to live with the only natural part of land on this planet. There, immersed in the cold, cruel hand of nature, you will contemplate many a thought and hopefully you will advance.
Kikel: But why Master Mononoke?
Minanoka: That's Mi-na-no-ka, Padawan.
Farrel: Because I am an old man and the cold is an ill environment for such a frail body.
Kikel: Bull-
Farrel: And now arguing, Kikel. At least not about this. If you want to discuss the formalities or lack thereof concerning the Force, you can meet me in my office after class. But you are going on this trip. All you young minds need it.
~Three days later~
(A cabin room in the middle of a sub-zero tundra.)
Kikel: It's friggin cold out there!
Obi-Wan: u-u-u-h-h-h h-h-h-u-u-u-h-h-h
Kikel: You're turning blue, Ken.
Obi-Wan: n-n-n-o-o-o-t-t-t g-g-g-o-o-o-d-d-d.
Kikel: (rubs Obi-Wan's back) So, are you mentally enlightened as Farrel wanted?
Obi-Wan: I can't feel my mental. I couldn't tell you if were enlightened or not.
Kikel: Me neither. Feel warmer?
Obi-Wan: I wanna kill somebody and then myself just so I can go to the fires of Hades.
Kikel: Don't we all.
Obi-Wan: Whom would you kill?
Kikel: I'd argue Master Farrel to death, that's what I'd do. And you?
Obi-Wan: I'd sneak up on Minanoka if I got the chance. You know, he was the only teacher to accept the task of watching us all here out in the middle of nowhere?
Kikel: I know, what a bantha hairball. (cheerily) Well, it's night and the temperature has gone done even more and the best time to slow our metabolisms during sleep which puts us more at risk to freeze to death is now. (hops into bed) Nighty-night!
Obi-Wan: I don't wanna die.
Kikel: Neither do I. So get in here with me. One Jedi under a blanket froze. But two Jedi under the same blanket survived the night.
Obi-Wan: OK... (gets into bed) You're hogging the blankets.
Kikel: So I am. Okay, you icecube, here you go.
Obi-Wan: Thanks, Kik.
Kikel: G'night, Ken.
~Early the next morning~
Kikel: (just woke up) Ken?
Obi-Wan: -grunt?-
Kikel: Are you still alive?
Obi-Wan: Let me check. (breathes out and watches his breath fog up in the cold air) Yeah. How about you?
Kikel: I think so, but what is this cold thing? It couldn't possibly be you-
(flips on a nightlight. There is a large head in bed between their own heads)
Obi-Wan and Kikel: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
(they exit speediously down the steps, never touching a single one, all the while screaming bloody murder)
Obi-Wan and Kikel: BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!!!
(they arrive at the downstairs cafeteria where Minanoka is waiting for them)
Obi-Wan: THERE'S A DEAD PERSON IN OUR BED!!!
Kikel: IT WAS A MAN'S HEAD! A DEAD ONE!
Minanoka: (laughing) I caught you two! I know exactly what you did!
Obi-Wan: (eyes widen) -meep!-
Kikel: BUT WE DIDN'T KILL HIM!
(Obi-Wan passes out)
Kikel: (doesn't notice) I SAW HIM! YOU WEREN'T THERE!
Minanoka: Oh, he's out cold.
Kikel: THAT'S NOT FUNNY! OBI-WAN?! DON'T DIE. IT'S OKAY BUDDY, WE DIDN'T KILL HIM. WE'LL GET OUT OF IT SOMEHOW. DON'T DIE!!!
Obi-Wan: dead person... bed... (wakes up) Kikel, I can't feel my body.
Minanoka: That's because the only thing between you and ice is a thin wooden floor.
Obi-Wan: oh. (pause) THERE'S A DEAD PERSON IN OUR BED!!!
Minanoka: Stop panicking, you two. (helps him up) That wasn't a dead person.
Kikel: Yes, it was. He was dead and cold and wasn't moving and he didn't even have a body! Most beings need their heads to live.
Minanoka: Do you know who Millen Senyar is?
Obi-Wan: (still woozy) Never met him.
Kikel: (pause) no way out.
Minanoka: I knew you guys had a big assignment in Master Farrel's house, so you'd be in the Library.
Kikel: no way out.
Minanoka: I knew I had something to suspect when Farrel thought you guys appeared very tired he thought were doing spice.
Kikel: no way out.
Minanoka: I knew the head was broken during that night, that very night that you would be writing your reports.
Kikel: no way out.
Minanoka: No doubt you two would be together because Obi-Wan has difficulty in that class and you wiz-bang through all subjects, Kikel
Kikel: no way out.
Minanoka: I found the head in your hiding spot, Kikel.
Kikel: one way out- (passes out)
(Obi-Wan stands all alone, having the appearance of a melting snowman)
Minanoka: Hmmm. You guys don't handle confrontations well, do you?
Obi-Wan: No sir.
Minanoka: You're awfully well-behaved by yourself.
Obi-Wan: Yes sir.
Minanoka: Don't worry, I won't hurt you, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: No sir.
Minanoka: What do you mean, 'no sir'?
Obi-Wan: Because I'm going to pass out too in a moment, because two Jedi under the same blanket survived but then I'll wake up and either I'll be dead and warming up or I'll be at the mercy of the Council and that hurts. (he lies down next to Kikel) Goodnight, Master Minanoka, sir. And please, don't stick dead people in beds anymore. Put them in the ground.
(he goes limp)
~The next day~
Qui-Gon: Disappointing.
Brenner: Very disappointing.
Kikel: I'm sorry, Master.
Qui-Gon: Why didn't you just admit it?
Obi-Wan: We were scared Master.
Brenner: A Jedi should never be scared, young Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: I know, Master Brenner, but I was so tired and I wanted to write my report and then go to bed, that's all.
Kikel: But then I kind of interfered and we effectively dug our own graves.
Obi-Wan: And it was cruel of Master Minanoka to do that to us! I thought I was going to freeze to death and he goes and plants that bust that he repaired in our bed. And then he said he knew what we had done and I thought he meant he believed we had killed the guy in our bed.
Qui-Gon: It was to keep you from doing that again, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: You think I'd do that again?! I didn't even want to do it in the first place!
Kikel: If I may say so, Masters, it was all my fault.
Obi-Wan: ...?
Kikel: I distracted Obi-Wan all week so he was stuck writing his entire report that night. And I teased him with my own report, which was finished. I purposefully ran his temper for my own amusement. And, by my hand, I broke the bust. And it was my idea to hide the pieces in my hiding spot. In fact, it was Obi-Wan's idea to try to put it back together. He meant well, so don't punish him. Punish me.
Obi-Wan: ... Kikel... I...
Qui-Gon: Kikel, that's very noble of you, and I sense you are telling the truth. But, you two knew of something important and you kept your mouths shut anyhow.
Brenner: And you acted like sissies when confronted by Minanoka.
Qui-Gon: We shall let the punishment fit the crime. You will report to the Library and Jocasta Nu will give you your punishment.
Obi-Wan: Yes Master.
Brenner: Now go.
(the Padawans bow and leave)
Kikel: Do you think we'll be all right?
Obi-Wan: I don't know. Jocasta is usually nice to me 'cause I'm always in the Library, but now she may eat me alive.
Kikel: I know she doesn't like me that much.
Obi-Wan: Cause you know everything already?
Kikel: Just about.
Obi-Wan: Chances are, we are in for the torture of our lives.
~That night ~
(two exhausted young Jedi exit the Library)
Kikel: Force have mercy on us.
Obi-Wan: It wasn't that bad.
Kikel: YOU didn't have to dust all the books.
Obi-Wan: I had to put them back in their designated spots after you displaced them all.
Kikel: Well, YOU didn't have to polish all the busts.
Obi-Wan: I had to sit in Madam Nu's office and help her file documents. Do you know what that place smells like?
Kikel: Well, YOU didn't have to mop the floor.
Obi-Wan: YOU'RE the one with the dirty shoes, idiot.
Kikel: You too.
Obi-Wan: Nuh-uh!
Kikel: Yeah-huh!
Obi-Wan: No!
(they start to push each other)
Kikel: You got off easy!
Obi-Wan: I worked as long as you did!
Kikel: You didn't work half as hard as I did.
Obi-Wan: Nuh-uh!
Kikel: Yeah-huh!
(Obi-Wan tackles Kikel and they grapple. Both smash into the base a decorative statue. They freeze, still clutching at each other. As the statue wobbles dangerously over them, they pull each other into a protective hug. The statue totters for a bit, then stills.)
Obi-Wan and Kikel: whew.
Kikel: (lets him go) Gettoff me. You're getting all mushy like a girl.
Obi-Wan: (gets up) Oh by the way, that was nice of you, taking the blame and all.
Kikel: (gruffly) Yeah, well, let's leave while we're still alive.
Obi-Wan: OK, Kik.
Kikel: Oh, and Ken?
Obi-Wan: Yes?
Kikel: You're welcome.
The End.
Awww... how sweet...
The fruit of yet another day and half labor. A little longer and more heart-felt than the first chapter. Concealed accidents can lead to Masters playing tricks on Padawans, as Obi-Wan and his friend Kikel learn. Both are fourteen.
Rated PG-13 for language.
Notes from me: you get my highest respect if you know where the idea of the prank comes from.
(Late at night in the Jedi Temple Library in a dimly-lit empty section are Obi-Wan Kenobi and Kikel Manhal. They sit at desks with laptops before them.)
Obi-Wan: (yawns) I'm so tired.
Kikel: (typing on his computer) No shit.
Obi-Wan: I can't write a term paper under these conditions.
Kikel: You procrastinated, you Kowakian lizard monkey. It's your fault you haven't written it yet.
Obi-Wan: MY fault? YOU'RE the one who decided to go bowling seven nights in a row.
Kikel: Well, the girls who work there can't get enough of me! Besides, I knew I could write a term paper in one night. It's your fault for not knowing your own limits!
Obi-Wan: You always dragged me along! I meant to do my work this week. But now because of your female fantasies, I have a term paper due in (checks his wrist chrono) six hours and I haven't gotten a wink of sleep.
Kikel: Well, I'm done. So, you can read mine if it will help you.
Obi-Wan: Thanks. (reads the monitor) 'Levitation Mastery Via the Force. By Kikel Manhal. The common approach to the simple task of levitation with the Force is to imagine the object in question being very light.' Hey, that's what I have so far.
Kikel: That's all you have? (muttering) Stang, you are hopeless.
Obi-Wan: (not hearing him, continues) 'So light, in fact, that it can float, and the object obeys this imagination-fueled mental command. This does not work for all beings, especially those with deeper understandings of the Force. Any being with even the slightest intelligence can imagine an object to be light, but a Jedi somehow uses the Force to make that object levitate. A Jedi's harness of the Force is just as important as the task he attempts to execute.' You've lost me pal.
Kikel: Keep reading. You need the enlightenment.
Obi-Wan: (continues) 'For instance, if there were a certain congregation of people who worshipped a certain god, they would not be worshipping the same god since, in their individuality, they each perceive that god in their own unique way, making the god they worship truly their own version of that god.' What?!
Kikel: Keep going.
Obi-Wan: 'So ipso facto...' Ipso whatso?
Kikel: By that very fact.
Obi-Wan: Oh. 'So ipso facto, the Force itself is perceived and harnessed by individuals who each have a different concept of it. Which is why I suppose we are given these philosophy assignments. Am I right, Master Farrel?' Then you made a little smiley face that's winking.
Kikel: ...
Obi-Wan: 'However, our different views are encouraged not only by our individual minds, but they are also hindered by the fact that we have physical bodies.' I don't believe this.
Kikel: ...
Obi-Wan: '...have physical bodies. We have all heard Master Yoda say "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter." Our vessels are partly an obstruction to understanding the Force. We will attach words to describe mannerisms of the Force...' The Force doesn't have mannerisms, Kikel.
Kikel: Does it?
Obi-Wan: Well, no, it, well, hang on, sure, um... Shut up.
Kikel: You asked.
Obi-Wan: (continues) Where was I... '...mannerisms of the Force when in fact the rules our bodies have should not at all apply to the rules, if there are any, to the Force. Those who do not believe in this theory-'
Kikel: That'd be you, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: (angrily as he reads) '...have a lesser comprehension of the Force and therefore are unable to use it to their advantage.' You butthole.
Kikel: Just continue.
Obi-Wan: 'These are the beings who use the if-it-is-light-it-will-float idea when using the Force to levitate an object. However, a deeper understanding of the Force as shown by the Dark Woman demonstrates that a small faction of Jedi separate as much of their physical rules as they can from the Force. The Dark Woman has separated physical rules so much from her control of the Force that she has gone so far as to drop her physical name. Others like herself are teaching themselves the ultimate power of the Force that a weaker, undisciplined mind can not comprehend.' You're calling me stupid!
Kikel: No, I'm not. Trust me.
Obi-Wan: -grrr....- You know, I'm not even going to finish it.
Kikel: There's not much more to it.
Obi-Wan: There are five more paragraphs!
Kikel: Are there? Oh, yes, I go on describing the differences between the way a mind controls the Force and the way a spirit controls the Force.
Obi-Wan: Spirits don't control the Force!
Kikel: Do they?
Obi-Wan: Shut up!
Kikel: Well, let me read what you've written. 'How To Make Things Float. By Obi-Wan Kenobi.' So you're going for the blunt approach? I keep telling you to leave them reefers alone, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: Huh?
Kikel: (continues) 'When I was young and I wanted to make something float-' You spelled 'float' wrong, Obi-Wan. '...by using the Force, I tried to imagine the object being really light. Now, I've broadened my thoughts by imagining gravity to suddenly stop having an effect on the object. This requires more focus-' Spelled focus wrong, too. '...because you might accidentally make something else in the room float with it.' (scrolling down on the screen) That's all you have?
Obi-Wan: yes...
Kikel: What the Hell's wrong with you? That's ALL you can write? You're usually the wordy one.
Obi-Wan: Well, I haven't got my thoughts straightened out yet.
Kikel: Evidently. This is poorer than a flea who has seventeen little fleas at home to feed, a sick Mrs. Flea in the flea hospital, and he's just been laid off at the flea factory.
Obi-Wan: Why all the flea references?
Kikel: Cause you've got one right here... (pinches something out of his hair)
Obi-Wan: Hey!
Kikel: (studies it) No, my mistake. It's a tick.
Obi-Wan: Well, what do you expect? I haven't bathed since this morning, I haven't gotten any sleep, I need to write a term paper that can make or break my grade in six hours, I need to go to sleep, I need to get a standpoint for my argument, I need an argument, and I want to go home!
Kikel: You're such a whiner.
Obi-Wan: Well, you're the one who's responsible for all this!
Kikel: Me?
Obi-Wan: Yes you. I needed to do my work and you knew I needed to do my work but you didn't let me...
Kikel: When I asked if you wanted to come bowling too you could have just said no.
Obi-Wan: Stop being logical while I'm talking! Because of you, I have nothing to say about levitation. And, because of you, I'll get a bad grade because yours is so good and mine is denser than... than...
Kikel: Pudding?
Obi-Wan: THAN SOMETHING THAT'S REALLY DENSE!!!
Kikel: Keep your voice down. You'll wake the whole Temple.
Obi-Wan: This is all your fault!
Kikel: Obi-Wan, you're totally hysterical. Just calm down...
Obi-Wan: No, get away from me! (throws a book at him. Kikel catches it)
Kikel: I'll help you write your paper. Just calm down.
Obi-Wan: I'm tired, unbathed, and flea-ridden because of you! (throws another book at him and hits him the face)
Kikel: OWWW!!! That thing has corners, you know.
Obi-Wan: (starts typing at Kikel's computer) And now, I'm going to delete your paper...
Kikel: No! That thing took thirty minutes of my life to write! (grabs Obi-Wan from behind and tries to pry him backward. Obi-Wan blindly flails for the keyboard.) Take a chill pill, Ken.
Obi-Wan: Let me go!
Kikel: (tugs him backward hard) Quit freakin' out.
Obi-Wan: Must... delete... superior... file...
Kikel: I'LL write your paper for you!
Obi-Wan: No! (flings Kikel off and jumps up from his chair) I may not have energy, or a calm mind, or a clean body, but I do have dignity, and I'M GOING TO DO MY OWN WORK!
Kikel: Obi-Wan, I just want to help.
Obi-Wan: No, you don't! (snatches a book from a nearby shelf and hurls it at Kikel)
Kikel: (dodges it) You insane gundark. (throws another book at him and hits him in the arm when he shields his crotch)
Obi-Wan: (gasps) You're aiming to cripple!
Kikel: I'm aiming to stop you.
Obi-Wan: Don't you know it is against the Jedi Code to aim below the belt?
Kikel: I'll keep throwing books until you either quit freaking out or when you lie on the ground clutching your power packs.
Obi-Wan: Not my power packs; I'll kick your ass!
Kikel: Oh, yeah, well then... (puts his fists up) Put 'em up!
Obi-Wan: (knowing that Kikel is a good fighter) Er, no! You put 'em up.
Kikel: (pause) Mine are up.
Obi-Wan: No they're not.
Kikel: Yes, they are.
Obi-Wan: No they're not.
Kikel: Yes, they are. I can see my own fists, for Force' sake.
Obi-Wan: And I can see your fists, also and they are not up!
Kikel: Yes, they are, laserbrains. (stares at them obviously) Hey, look. I have fists. I never would have expected-
(While Kikel goes on in sarcasm, Obi-Wan snatches a book and hurls it at him, but it bounces off his hands that are up)
Kikel: Ha! I TOLD you they were up! Now, take this!
(Kikel hurls a book at his head. Obi-Wan ducks and the book smashes into the head bust of the Jedi Master Millen Senyar behind him. The bust falls off its column and shatters into many tiny bits, causing a very loud sound that could easily be heard and felt even through insulation.)
Kikel: hohhhhh...
Obi-Wan: not good...
Kikel: ...
Obi-Wan: ...
Kikel: ...
Obi-Wan: ....
Kikel: ...
Obi-Wan: no way out...
Kikel: (whispering) i think we should clean it up, obi-wan.
Obi-Wan: No Way Out...
Kikel: and then leave very quietly.
Obi-Wan: NO WAY OUT...
Kikel: oh force. we are screwed.
Obi-Wan: yeah... Wait. We? Who's we? You're the one that broke it.
Kikel: You started it!
Obi-Wan: No, I didn't.
Kikel: You're jealous of me!
Obi-Wan: No I'm not!
Kikel: Yes, you are.
Obi-Wan: Nuh-uh!
Kikel: Wait, wait, wait. What are we doing? Our hides will be the Council's if we stand here and argue in the midst of a shattered bust. Let's get it cleaned up and then run like there's no tomorrow.
Obi-Wan: (gathering the pieces in his cloak) Don't talk like that. I want a tomorrow. I like tomorrow. I love tomorrow. It's only a day away...
Kikel: Sh! Just get it cleaned up. I'll put the books back and pack up our stuff.
Obi-Wan: OK.
~A Few Minutes Later~
Kikel: Right, all cleaned up. Let's split.
Obi-Wan: What about the pieces? The bust can still be fixed.
Kikel: We'll hide them in the gardens. I know a spot that's great for hiding this sort of thing.
~A few minutes later~
Obi-Wan: Now that that's buried, I'm going back to my room. I plan to sleep for at least one REM cycle, then I'll get up and finish my report.
Kikel: I can help you.
Obi-Wan: Of course you will. It's your fault, after all.
Kikel: -grumble- Just go to bed, Obi-Wan.
~Six hours later ~
(Philosophy class)
Farrel: Good morning class! Now, to start things off I'll alleviate a large chunk of your stress and have you pass up your reports now.
Obi-Wan: We did a good job, right Kikel?
Kikel: Could've done better myself.
Obi-Wan: (too tired to notice) hmmm.
Farrel: And now, to more serious matters. Last night, the bust of Master Millen Senyar was knocked off its column in the Library. Although the large pieces are missing, the dust and small fragments of it have been found.
Obi-Wan and Kikel: -gulp-
Farrel: So far, no one has come forward to claim responsibility. So, that means that when the culprit is caught, they were be punished without mercy.
Kikel: We're hosed if we're caught.
Obi-Wan: Then we won't be. We'll fix the bust and put it back after a couple of weeks, when things cools down.
Kikel: I don't know if it will cool down. Millen Senyar was a very important Master of old, nearly as important as Master Thon.
Obi-Wan: Master Thon? Was Senyar from the time of the Old Republic?
Kikel: A little later, I think, by about one thousand years. You know how Odan-Urr had an academy on Ossus? Millen Senyar took a leaf out of his book and helped found the academy on Coruscant.
Obi-Wan: There is no Jedi academy on Coruscant.
Kikel: The Temple, stupid.
Obi-Wan. oh. right.
Kikel: So, all the historians are really pissed off that the only ancient molding of the likeness of Millen Senyar has been destroyed and Jocasta Nu is patrolling the Library, breathing down anyone's neck who even glances at the busts.
Obi-Wan: We're gonna die.
Kikel: No, we'll fix it and sneak it back in one night.
Obi-Wan: Okay, let's leave it hidden for a little while longer. We'll keep our ears open for anything, agreed?
Kikel: Agreed.
Obi-Wan and Kikel: (they do their secret handshake) 'Silence I've got/ or I'll eat my snot.'
~Later that day~
(Two Jedi, Master Farrel and the teenager's guidance counselor Master Minanoka, speak to each other in the teacher's lounge.)
Minanoka: You think Kikel is up to something?
Farrel: Obi-Wan, also.
Minanoka: Well, of course, if Kikel has done something Obi-Wan is always somehow involved. What do you suspect them of?
Farrel: Spice.
Minanoka: (surprised) Really?
Farrel: It seems so unlike him to stoop so low, but I have my suspicions.
Minanoka: Which are? Kikel is not a stupid boy, and Obi-Wan is not completely lacking in sense either.
Farrel: Well, in my class this morning, they were drowsy, had bags under their eyes... they could barely keep their heads up!
Minanoka: Well, your class is not the most thrilling subject.
Farrel: Well, they usually take interest in it. It's broadens Obi-Wan horizon and Kikel likes to argue endlessly with me. But this morning they were not themselves.
Minanoka: Perhaps I should check Kikel's hiding place.
Farrel: Kikel has a hiding place?
Minanoka: Oh yes. As his counselor, I know more about him than his Master probably does.
Farrel: Your job 'eh?
Minanoka: I am the ultimate Jedi meddler.
~That night~
(Minanoka is in the gardens digging in the exact place Kikel and Obi-Wan had buried the head yesterday.)
Minanoka: Nothing so far. (his hand brushes something hard) Hello, hello. And what could this be? Glitterstim, maybe. It looks like ceramic. And here's more... and more. They're everywhere. And here's a... nose? What's a nose doing in here? And an eye complete with brows. Wait a second... This isn't... But it IS Master Senyar's head. Kikel, Kikel, Kikel, Kikel, Kikel. You are in deep sushi. But how to punish you? You certainly deserve it. Speaking of deserving punishment, Obi-Wan probably helped him out. I bet they were up late at night in the Library. They were goofing off and broke the bust and then hid it away. Phft. Cowards. Well then, I will have to strike fear into their hearts, and I think I know how.
~The next day~
(Philosophy class. Master Minanoka is standing at the front of the class wearing a very big fake smile.)
Kikel: (loudly) A camping trip, Master Farrel?
Farrel: Yes, a camping trip. The class will be going to the polar ice caps of Coruscant to live with the only natural part of land on this planet. There, immersed in the cold, cruel hand of nature, you will contemplate many a thought and hopefully you will advance.
Kikel: But why Master Mononoke?
Minanoka: That's Mi-na-no-ka, Padawan.
Farrel: Because I am an old man and the cold is an ill environment for such a frail body.
Kikel: Bull-
Farrel: And now arguing, Kikel. At least not about this. If you want to discuss the formalities or lack thereof concerning the Force, you can meet me in my office after class. But you are going on this trip. All you young minds need it.
~Three days later~
(A cabin room in the middle of a sub-zero tundra.)
Kikel: It's friggin cold out there!
Obi-Wan: u-u-u-h-h-h h-h-h-u-u-u-h-h-h
Kikel: You're turning blue, Ken.
Obi-Wan: n-n-n-o-o-o-t-t-t g-g-g-o-o-o-d-d-d.
Kikel: (rubs Obi-Wan's back) So, are you mentally enlightened as Farrel wanted?
Obi-Wan: I can't feel my mental. I couldn't tell you if were enlightened or not.
Kikel: Me neither. Feel warmer?
Obi-Wan: I wanna kill somebody and then myself just so I can go to the fires of Hades.
Kikel: Don't we all.
Obi-Wan: Whom would you kill?
Kikel: I'd argue Master Farrel to death, that's what I'd do. And you?
Obi-Wan: I'd sneak up on Minanoka if I got the chance. You know, he was the only teacher to accept the task of watching us all here out in the middle of nowhere?
Kikel: I know, what a bantha hairball. (cheerily) Well, it's night and the temperature has gone done even more and the best time to slow our metabolisms during sleep which puts us more at risk to freeze to death is now. (hops into bed) Nighty-night!
Obi-Wan: I don't wanna die.
Kikel: Neither do I. So get in here with me. One Jedi under a blanket froze. But two Jedi under the same blanket survived the night.
Obi-Wan: OK... (gets into bed) You're hogging the blankets.
Kikel: So I am. Okay, you icecube, here you go.
Obi-Wan: Thanks, Kik.
Kikel: G'night, Ken.
~Early the next morning~
Kikel: (just woke up) Ken?
Obi-Wan: -grunt?-
Kikel: Are you still alive?
Obi-Wan: Let me check. (breathes out and watches his breath fog up in the cold air) Yeah. How about you?
Kikel: I think so, but what is this cold thing? It couldn't possibly be you-
(flips on a nightlight. There is a large head in bed between their own heads)
Obi-Wan and Kikel: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
(they exit speediously down the steps, never touching a single one, all the while screaming bloody murder)
Obi-Wan and Kikel: BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!!!
(they arrive at the downstairs cafeteria where Minanoka is waiting for them)
Obi-Wan: THERE'S A DEAD PERSON IN OUR BED!!!
Kikel: IT WAS A MAN'S HEAD! A DEAD ONE!
Minanoka: (laughing) I caught you two! I know exactly what you did!
Obi-Wan: (eyes widen) -meep!-
Kikel: BUT WE DIDN'T KILL HIM!
(Obi-Wan passes out)
Kikel: (doesn't notice) I SAW HIM! YOU WEREN'T THERE!
Minanoka: Oh, he's out cold.
Kikel: THAT'S NOT FUNNY! OBI-WAN?! DON'T DIE. IT'S OKAY BUDDY, WE DIDN'T KILL HIM. WE'LL GET OUT OF IT SOMEHOW. DON'T DIE!!!
Obi-Wan: dead person... bed... (wakes up) Kikel, I can't feel my body.
Minanoka: That's because the only thing between you and ice is a thin wooden floor.
Obi-Wan: oh. (pause) THERE'S A DEAD PERSON IN OUR BED!!!
Minanoka: Stop panicking, you two. (helps him up) That wasn't a dead person.
Kikel: Yes, it was. He was dead and cold and wasn't moving and he didn't even have a body! Most beings need their heads to live.
Minanoka: Do you know who Millen Senyar is?
Obi-Wan: (still woozy) Never met him.
Kikel: (pause) no way out.
Minanoka: I knew you guys had a big assignment in Master Farrel's house, so you'd be in the Library.
Kikel: no way out.
Minanoka: I knew I had something to suspect when Farrel thought you guys appeared very tired he thought were doing spice.
Kikel: no way out.
Minanoka: I knew the head was broken during that night, that very night that you would be writing your reports.
Kikel: no way out.
Minanoka: No doubt you two would be together because Obi-Wan has difficulty in that class and you wiz-bang through all subjects, Kikel
Kikel: no way out.
Minanoka: I found the head in your hiding spot, Kikel.
Kikel: one way out- (passes out)
(Obi-Wan stands all alone, having the appearance of a melting snowman)
Minanoka: Hmmm. You guys don't handle confrontations well, do you?
Obi-Wan: No sir.
Minanoka: You're awfully well-behaved by yourself.
Obi-Wan: Yes sir.
Minanoka: Don't worry, I won't hurt you, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: No sir.
Minanoka: What do you mean, 'no sir'?
Obi-Wan: Because I'm going to pass out too in a moment, because two Jedi under the same blanket survived but then I'll wake up and either I'll be dead and warming up or I'll be at the mercy of the Council and that hurts. (he lies down next to Kikel) Goodnight, Master Minanoka, sir. And please, don't stick dead people in beds anymore. Put them in the ground.
(he goes limp)
~The next day~
Qui-Gon: Disappointing.
Brenner: Very disappointing.
Kikel: I'm sorry, Master.
Qui-Gon: Why didn't you just admit it?
Obi-Wan: We were scared Master.
Brenner: A Jedi should never be scared, young Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: I know, Master Brenner, but I was so tired and I wanted to write my report and then go to bed, that's all.
Kikel: But then I kind of interfered and we effectively dug our own graves.
Obi-Wan: And it was cruel of Master Minanoka to do that to us! I thought I was going to freeze to death and he goes and plants that bust that he repaired in our bed. And then he said he knew what we had done and I thought he meant he believed we had killed the guy in our bed.
Qui-Gon: It was to keep you from doing that again, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: You think I'd do that again?! I didn't even want to do it in the first place!
Kikel: If I may say so, Masters, it was all my fault.
Obi-Wan: ...?
Kikel: I distracted Obi-Wan all week so he was stuck writing his entire report that night. And I teased him with my own report, which was finished. I purposefully ran his temper for my own amusement. And, by my hand, I broke the bust. And it was my idea to hide the pieces in my hiding spot. In fact, it was Obi-Wan's idea to try to put it back together. He meant well, so don't punish him. Punish me.
Obi-Wan: ... Kikel... I...
Qui-Gon: Kikel, that's very noble of you, and I sense you are telling the truth. But, you two knew of something important and you kept your mouths shut anyhow.
Brenner: And you acted like sissies when confronted by Minanoka.
Qui-Gon: We shall let the punishment fit the crime. You will report to the Library and Jocasta Nu will give you your punishment.
Obi-Wan: Yes Master.
Brenner: Now go.
(the Padawans bow and leave)
Kikel: Do you think we'll be all right?
Obi-Wan: I don't know. Jocasta is usually nice to me 'cause I'm always in the Library, but now she may eat me alive.
Kikel: I know she doesn't like me that much.
Obi-Wan: Cause you know everything already?
Kikel: Just about.
Obi-Wan: Chances are, we are in for the torture of our lives.
~That night ~
(two exhausted young Jedi exit the Library)
Kikel: Force have mercy on us.
Obi-Wan: It wasn't that bad.
Kikel: YOU didn't have to dust all the books.
Obi-Wan: I had to put them back in their designated spots after you displaced them all.
Kikel: Well, YOU didn't have to polish all the busts.
Obi-Wan: I had to sit in Madam Nu's office and help her file documents. Do you know what that place smells like?
Kikel: Well, YOU didn't have to mop the floor.
Obi-Wan: YOU'RE the one with the dirty shoes, idiot.
Kikel: You too.
Obi-Wan: Nuh-uh!
Kikel: Yeah-huh!
Obi-Wan: No!
(they start to push each other)
Kikel: You got off easy!
Obi-Wan: I worked as long as you did!
Kikel: You didn't work half as hard as I did.
Obi-Wan: Nuh-uh!
Kikel: Yeah-huh!
(Obi-Wan tackles Kikel and they grapple. Both smash into the base a decorative statue. They freeze, still clutching at each other. As the statue wobbles dangerously over them, they pull each other into a protective hug. The statue totters for a bit, then stills.)
Obi-Wan and Kikel: whew.
Kikel: (lets him go) Gettoff me. You're getting all mushy like a girl.
Obi-Wan: (gets up) Oh by the way, that was nice of you, taking the blame and all.
Kikel: (gruffly) Yeah, well, let's leave while we're still alive.
Obi-Wan: OK, Kik.
Kikel: Oh, and Ken?
Obi-Wan: Yes?
Kikel: You're welcome.
The End.
Awww... how sweet...