Pretense: Chapter 2

"Elizabeth?"

God that voice. It still made her shiver. Her name always sounded so good coming from his mouth. He had the most sensual lips and the way they seemingly curved into a half smile every time he said her name would make her melt.

"Elizabeth? I know you're in there, I can see the light. Open up, we need to talk." His fist fell heavily on the door.

He was pounding on his door. The door he gave her. The door he gave her so she would be safe when things had been too dangerous. Whenever they got close, danger always seemed to be lurking around every corner. They could never be together because of his job and what it entailed. In reality, it wasn't his job, not really. That was just the excuse they gave each other. The real danger was in the emotions they caused in each other. Danger was an inherent part of everything they had shared. Even when she was with Lucky, she recognized the power of the feelings Jason aroused in her. When she was with Jason, it was all so intense. The problem lay in giving in to that intensity. They had both been too frightened to give themselves totally to the other. Sure, his job was dangerous, but that wasn't the real reason they couldn't make a relationship work. Instead of facing the emotions that bubbled to the surface whenever they were together, they had both run in the opposite directions.

"Elizabeth please open the door. I need to…I just need…Elizabeth open the door," he said pleading.

She didn't realize that she had been unconsciously running her hands over the card while listening to Jason speak. She looked down at the postcard and quickly set it on the nearest table, covering it with strips of canvas. There was no way she would allow him to see the postcard. She didn't want him to know that she had been thinking about him. She didn't want to think about him.

Elizabeth sighed, not wanting to face him as she moved to the door. She knew he wouldn't leave; he never did. He would stand out there all night waiting to talk to her. She swung the door open wildly hearing it clang against the wall. He looked surprised that she had given in so easily and was actually standing in front of him. The surprise quickly vanished and he barreled into the studio, not giving her the chance to change her mind.

As Jason entered the room, he looked around him at the mess in shock. Nothing was intact. Canvases had been slashed, paints had been splattered, brushes and canvas knives scattered the room. In her anger, she hadn't spared anything. Not even the old couch, where he had spent weeks recuperating and sleeping, was in one piece. She had torn apart the cushions and torn out the stuffing. The entire studio had been demolished. The art, her home, the escape she had loved so much had been destroyed. As he looked around, he could tell, that Elizabeth had been in a rage, and she had tried to erase the most important thing in her life. And that scared him.

Jason motioned around him at the rubble. "What happened to your studio?"

"I finally got around to my spring cleaning. You know, better late than never." She answered sarcastically.

"Elizabeth, this is your studio, you love this place. Why would you tear it apart?" Jason questioned already knowing the answer, but needing to hear it from her. Needing to hear that she didn't care about anything anymore including her painting.

She rolled her eyes. "I decided it was time for a new decorating scheme. I got tired of the old look and was thinking about something a little more wild."

He stared her dead in the eyes. "Elizabeth-"

She cut him off angrily. "What are you doing here? I've told you that I don't want you around, so why won't you leave me alone?"

Well, he figured they had to begin somewhere. "If you didn't want me around Elizabeth, than why did you let me in?"

She sighed, shrugging her shoulders. "I don't know why I let you in. There isn't a reason, I just did."

He looked at her steadily, "Come on Elizabeth, there is a reason. You wanted to see me, that's why you opened the door."

"No, I opened the door to get rid of you. I knew you'd stand out there all night, and the sooner I talked to you the sooner you'd leave," she stated.

"Look Elizabeth-" he started.

"No, I won't 'look'. What will it take for you to leave me alone? What do you want? What do you want from me?" She said despairingly.

"I just…I just want to help you Elizabeth. Please, let me help you. Let me be there for you," Jason implored her.

She looked away. "You can't help me, not this time."

"I can Elizabeth, if you let me," he replied earnestly.

Elizabeth looked into his eyes and saw his desire to help her. She saw the pain she was causing him and part of her relished it. He had hurt her so many times, why shouldn't she inflict some pain on him in return? Why shouldn't he hurt and burn inside? She had felt so much pain for so long, why shouldn't someone else feel it for a change?

"You need to leave," she said angrily.

He shook his head in response. "I'm not going anywhere Elizabeth. You need help, you need to let people in. You can't keep your feelings bottled up inside. The pain, the anger will continue to grow if you let it. Eventually, no one will be able to reach you; eventually it'll kill you."

"And you speak from your vast personal experience of sharing. You've never been one for opening up Jason," she stated scornfully.

"That's not true, and you know it Elizabeth. Don't ever say that," he said forcefully. "I could always open up with you. You were the one I shared my deepest feelings with, you were the one who saw my anger. You were the one I let in. You, Elizabeth. It's always been you."

"I didn't mean it that way," she whispered sadly.

"Didn't you?" he retorted. "Do you remember that summer we first met? Do you remember what happened as vividly as I do? Do you remember how we connected? You weren't the only one in pain. You weren't the only one in need."

Elizabeth sighed. "I never used to be sorry. Sorry for myself, sure, but not sorry for the things I did. You know, people would tell me that I was wrong or bad, like they had this magic guidebook for living and I was breaking all the rules."

"You probably were…their rules," Jason said knowingly.

"Yeah, well, why should their rules apply to me?" Elizabeth returned rebelliously.

Jason was surprised that she had the same feelings he once had. He considered his answer carefully drawing from his history with Robin, Carly, and Michael. "That's always how I felt. You know, but you can -- you can live by your own rules and not care what anyone thinks. Until someone loves you and you love them, and then their rules have to matter, too." He looked over at Elizabeth hoping she understood why he was telling her this.

He looked down at his hands before continuing. "See Robin -- she wanted me to tell the truth. The day I brought Michael home from the hospital, she asked me to take him to A.J. but I wouldn't…first because I promised Carly, and then because I loved him too much. So, for a whole year, she kept a secret that she hated, a secret she thought was wrong." He raised his head and locked eyes with Elizabeth. He could see the understanding there.

"Because she loved you," Elizabeth murmured.

"Because she loved me," Jason echoed remembering the past.

"Do you remember Elizabeth?" Jason asked quietly.

She looked away from his eyes as tears threatened to fall. "I remember."

"When we met that summer, we shared ourselves. We were two people who needed another person to listen to us. We needed someone who could understand pain and loss. We needed someone to simply be there for us. We needed each other Elizabeth; we still do," he said taking her hand in his.

Elizabeth pulled her hand from his grasp turning away from him. She couldn't deal with this. Everything he said sounded so good. Every word. More than anything in the world, she wanted him to protect her. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and let him take care of her and make all the pain disappear. She couldn't allow herself to do that though; she couldn't let him in. Every time she relied on him, he would walk away from her; he would walk out of her life. He would always leave, and she would always be the one who ended up devastated. No, she couldn't let Jason Morgan help her anymore.

She moved over to the door and opened it, saying "I need you to leave. I can't deal with this--with you right now. I just need you to leave."

Jason tried one last ditch effort to get her attention. "Elizabeth, listen-"

"You need to go," she said interrupting him. Her eyes were empty once again. She motioned to the open door, whispering, "Just go. Please."

Jason frowned moving towards the open door and stepped into the hallway. Before she could close the door, Jason turned and reached out, bracing his hand against it. He met her eyes, staring deep into the twin pools, looking for reason, looking for hope, looking for light. He saw nothing and he felt tears sting the back of his eyes. "You can't shut me out Elizabeth, you can't shut out life."

"Maybe not," she said returning his gaze, "but I can sure as hell try."

Jason looked at her in defeat before the door was slammed in his face. His door; the door he'd once given her as a form of protection. He hadn't been there for her when she'd needed him. The door was supposed to protect her, but it was also a symbolic gesture, a promise on his part that she mattered, that he would always be there to protect her, and that he would always care for her, no matter what. Jason, scowled, thinking about how long his promise had lasted. The door, like his commitment to her had been a pretense.