Pretense: Chapter 3
The wind was picking up as dawn slowly approached. He could smell the smoke of the many factories lining the quay. Jason turned his head and could just make out the ELQ crane off to the far end of the docks. To his left, out of the corner of his eye, he could see Elizabeth's building, where her lights were out once more.
What was he going to do about Elizabeth?
Jason wanted to help her more than anything, but he didn't know how. He couldn't help her if she wouldn't let him. Elizabeth had to let him in first, and so far she wasn't relenting. He was running out of ideas.
For the past few weeks, he would stand on the docks listening to the waves gently lap against the pier and watch Elizabeth's studio. Jason didn't really know what he was looking for, movement, her face in the window, hell, even the lights switching on. Tonight had been the first time in weeks that the lights had been shining. Maybe that was what had prompted him to try and see her once more. He had tried repeatedly to gain entry to the studio, even going so far as to beg in his worry for her. Jason had attempted to use the extra key he had from when the door was installed but the locks had been changed. That had hurt because of the lengths she was taking to avoid him.
She ignored his presence and he had grown used to it, watching her studio from a distance. However when he had seen the light on tonight Jason had decided to take the chance to speak with her again. The light was never on at night.
When he had knocked on the door, he never thought about going inside. Jason had figured he would stand out there for a while imploring her to speak with him, and eventually he would leave and spend the remainder of the night on the docks watching her window. Jason hadn't prepared a speech for when he was inside simply because he didn't think he would be. He was still surprised that she had opened the door to him.
The studio had been completely torn apart. It had been the work of someone who hated existence. Elizabeth had tried to destroy all of her memories and everything that had ever mattered to her. It wasn't the state of the studio that had rocked him though, it was her appearance.
He had been shocked and then terrified by how Elizabeth had looked. She had been in a word, lifeless. Tired, drawn, pale, and emotionless. She looked as if she didn't want to exist anymore, like she was trying to fade into the background. She had deep circles under her eyes that were so dark they looked like they had been painted on and her clothes hung loosely on her body. Elizabeth had lost weight when she was already too thin; Jason could tell that she hadn't been eating. He had taken her hand and couldn't believe how fragile she had felt. Her fingers had been so bony. He thought if someone were to simply give her a strong handshake, they would snap.
It was her eyes which had affected him the most. They were completely empty. Sure she had been angry with him, but the entire time, her eyes had remained emotionless. None of the anger or sadness that had sounded in her voice had lit up her eyes in anyway. That sparkle he loved was extinguished. Her beautiful blue eyes were dead to the world.
When did she change so suddenly? How much did I miss after we were over?
He couldn't explain it, she had just changed. One minute, she was happy in his penthouse and the next, she was barely speaking with him after she had left. She had lived months now without him in her life and he had no idea what had transpired during that time. Jason sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily.
Don't fucking lie to yourself. You know why she changed. You did too. At least she kept some semblance of herself; you don't even resemble what you used to be.
Who was he kidding, Elizabeth hadn't been the same for a long time know. She had changed, and he had missed it. He had missed it just like so many other things. He had pulled back from her time and time again. Even after she had laid everything out on the table for him, told him how she had really felt, he had sabotaged their relationship from the beginning.
Yeah, if you can even call it that.
For a relationship to work, both parties had to be willing to try. Jason had told her he would; he had said he would never hurt her on purpose and then he turned around and knowingly caused her pain. He knew that keeping Sonny's 'death' from her and his lie by omission would hurt her and would most likely end their relationship before it even had a chance to begin. That's why Jason had shut her out, why he hadn't come home all those nights, why he would walk right by the sofa where Elizabeth was laying down and head straight for the stairs ignoring her presence.
In reality, all he had wanted was to lift her into his arms and tell her the truth. All Jason had ever wanted was to protect and love her and be loved by her in return.
Look how screwed up that got. What did you expect? That you could lie to her, avoid her for weeks, come home, tell her what had really happened, and she would just fall into your arms?
Instead of working out their problems and fighting for her, Jason had just given up using the excuse that she couldn't handle his life. That had been lie number two. Elizabeth could handle his life better than anyone he had ever met. She knew what he was. She knew that he had killed people in the past and that he would kill people in the future if Sonny gave the order. Elizabeth knew that he could beat someone within an inch of their life and not feel any remorse. She knew the monster that Jason Morgan could be. She knew all this and accepted it as part of him.
Elizabeth had been able to accept every part of him. She knew him better than anyone else, and he had abandoned her. She never shrank from who he was and what he did for a living. She accepted it just as she did the rest of him. For the first time, Jason had felt whole. He didn't have to work at separating his two sides. Elizabeth knew him in entirety and she had still wanted to be in his life, in his world. And he had turned his back on her and acted like none of it had mattered, when she had been his world.
And then you turned from her and went to Courtney. What was that about?
Jason shook his head, still not knowing what had driven him into Courtney's arms.
Everything just got so fucked up. The whole situation. Things started out so good, but it didn't last. And who's fault is that?
Last summer when he had returned to Port Charles, he had thought that it was finally the time for them. Jason had believed their chance had come. The timing was right, neither of them had attachments to anyone else, and the attraction was still there, only more pronounced than before.
In the beginning, everything had started out right. It seemed to be going well between them. They had flirted and danced around each other for weeks. It had felt like they were finally going to be together. They both wanted it. There had been no doubt about that, but they just couldn't seem to meet in the middle at the same time.
The struggles, the kidnapping, the Zander episode, and his continued aloofness had seemed like insurmountable obstacles. They hadn't been though. When it had come down to it, one night Jason had returned to find that the place he slept at, the penthouse, had been transformed into a home simply because Elizabeth was there.
That had been the night when he and Elizabeth had laid it all out on the table explaining their feelings and being honest for the first time in what seemed like forever. That night Jason had felt such fear. She had the power to rip his heart out and cause him pain like nothing else in this world. Elizabeth had told him how she felt using words he had all but given up ever hearing from her.
And then, he had gone and walked away, blocking her out of his life, and for what?
There were mornings when Jason would be standing in front of the mirror before shaving and he would simply stare at himself. He didn't like what he saw. Whether it was for seconds or minutes he never knew. He was trying to find where he had disappeared to for those months. Jason was sickened by his image; he couldn't even see himself anymore. Elizabeth had said she didn't recognize him, so that made two of them.
Somewhere along the line he stopped being Jason Morgan, his own man; the Jason Morgan who cannot tell a lie, who is loyal to his friends until death. His personal code had been swallowed by Sonny and his demands. He became Sonny's enforcer, Sonny's right hand man, Sonny's lieutenant, and the list went on. He didn't have any identity accept one that started with the name 'Sonny'. His identity was what Sonny gave him.
Somewhere along the line he had become what he hated.
Jason had been the one who had ultimately changed. He had transformed into another person and he had changed. He had committed the ultimate betrayal. It wasn't about the lies, or the hurt they had caused each other. It wasn't about Elizabeth walking out or his ignoring her for weeks on end. Jason had betrayed her by not trying, by not fighting for her. His greatest betrayal was that he had simply given up on her, on him, on them.
Jason sighed looking over at her studio again.
He was terrified for her, she couldn't stay on her current path. He hadn't been lying when he said that if she continued like this the pain and emptiness would kill her. Jason worried one day Elizabeth would simply let go of the tenuous strings that held her to this world and she would be gone. He knew for a fact that she hadn't left her studio in weeks, that the lights were almost always off, and that she spoke with no one. He knew this because he had Francis watching her and Francis was almost mad with worry. Jason knew that Francis cared deeply for her and would gladly give his life for her, as he would himself, but how do you save someone who doesn't want to be saved? She was blocking out life, blocking out light, blocking out those who cared about her, and there was nothing he could do to stop her.
Why did she open the door tonight then? Maybe she is finally ready to let someone in.
Jason took that thought to heart, gaining strength from the possibility that Elizabeth was healing, or at least ready to start the healing process. He would be there for her every step of the way he vowed. This time no one would get in the way of his devotion to Elizabeth; not Sonny, not Carly, not even himself. She was his most important priority and he would help her no matter what.
As Jason walked away from the edge of the pier, he glanced back towards Elizabeth's studio. The lights were out as usual. He murmured, "I'm here Elizabeth. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You just don't believe me yet. I won't let you hurt anymore if I can help it, I won't let you hide."
He turned and walked up the stairs with his newfound resolution to help Elizabeth sounding in his ears. He wouldn't let her run anymore. She wouldn't be able to hide from him.
Jason could not have known how wrong he was.