Pretense: Chapter 4
The sound of the door slamming was still ringing in her ears as Elizabeth leaned up against it for support. Jason's eyes had been so sad, almost resigned as she once again refused his help.
I will not cry. I will not cry. Not anymore.
She sighed switching off the light before moving away from the door to the couch, allowing her tired body to fall heavily onto the waiting cushions.
Elizabeth hated the way he made her feel.
She kept trying to shut him out of her life, but he wouldn't let her.
Why did Jason have to show up tonight? Right when she felt that she had closed herself off to the world and could feel nothing, his mere presence was enough to bring all the memories back and tear into already bleeding wounds. Jason reminded her of the past, of her failures.
Why of all nights did he choose tonight to come by her studio?
It must have been the light.
She never kept the light on after dark because she wouldn't have to see anything then. She could just stare into the darkness and become part of it. She didn't know what had prompted her to keep the light on tonight, but there was no doubting that doing so had drawn Jason to the studio. She wouldn't be making that mistake again.
Jason, why did you have to show up here? Why can't you just leave me alone?
In the beginning, Jason would come by her studio every night. He would try to get her to speak with him, to open up and let him in, both literally and figuratively. He would stand out there the entire night, sometimes speaking through the door, sometimes just standing in the hall silently. After awhile though, when she continued to keep her door closed to him and her light off, he stopped coming by. She knew he was still watching her though. Jason had radar where she was concerned. He seemed to inherently know when something was wrong.
Jason had always been able to read her like a book. She would go to him when she needed the truth, when she needed to speak. And he would let her. That was one of the beautiful parts of their friendship, each could say whatever was on their mind. They created a safe area when they were together, where they could air their deepest feelings without being judged.
Their relationship in the beginning was like a beautiful crystal vase that shimmered when it caught the light. Time passed and the vase got dirty, but it was never cleaned. The vase was knocked over and broken into several pieces, but because it was well loved, it was carefully glued back together. More time passed and some of the glue started to fall from the cracks, so more glue was added as reinforcement. Once again, the vase was knocked down, and once again it was put back together using more glue. At this point the vase, like their friendship, did not resemble the original in any way. They were always trying to repair their relationship.
It had stopped working a long time ago. What was left was in far too many pieces to ever fix.
Elizabeth looked over to the window, knowing that Jason was outside watching her studio from the docks. She turned her gaze back to the ruined studio, letting her mind wander once more to her shared past with Jason.
In the beginning Jason had been the one she ran to when she needed to escape from the world and everyone in it. He just let her feel. Jason was her escape.
She remembered something she had said to Emily once about Jason. It was after he'd left for the first time and the two friends had found themselves reminiscing about their mutual admiration, respect, and yes, even love for the man.
Elizabeth looked at Emily before saying quietly, "After that night at Jake's when Jason saved me from myself, every time I had a bad day, I started looking for him. And we'd go for a ride on his bike and I'd tell him what was bothering me. And all of a sudden it just seemed like the whole world got better."
Even after Lucky had come back, she still ran to Jason. Only this time, she wasn't running to him as an escape, but as a sounding board to listen to her problems.
Over and over she had constantly used him, used his feelings for her, used his protective instincts. Even then Elizabeth had known she was being unfair to him, but she couldn't stop going to him. Jason offered something that she needed. He was a need that she couldn't deny. Being with him could change her entire outlook. Even then, Elizabeth had known there was something between them.
She had been so happy when Jason came back last summer. Elizabeth thought they would finally get their chance to be together. When he had come into Kelly's and their eyes had met, it felt like her world was spiraling out of control. The attraction, the pull that had always dragged her back to him, was there and as undeniable as ever.
Elizabeth had screwed it all up with Zander, making a mistake at a time when she was terribly frightened and needy. She wanted Jason, but Zander had been there instead, so Zander it was.
Sometimes she wondered what would have happened if Jason had stayed instead of going to Carly's. Elizabeth wondered if they would have slept together that night. A part of her thought that yes, the situation would have played out the same way with her taking comfort from Jason. Deep inside though, Elizabeth knew the truth. She slept with Zander because he was safe, there were no feelings on the line. She would not have slept with Jason, because like she had told him the first time they kissed, she wanted more from him.
Elizabeth ran her fingers through her hair unable to meet his gaze. "I was just about to have sex with you because I'm furious with Lucky. Jason--Jason, I would be too embarrassed to even look at you afterwards."
"Why?" He asked softly.
Elizabeth looked deeply into his eyes before answering. "Because. Because I would want it to be more. Jason I care about you. And if we had sex or make love or whatever you want to call it, I would want it to mean something. I'm not going to have sex with you just to get back at Lucky. I'm not going to ruin what you and I have because I'm angry with him."
Jason nodded his head, smiling slightly. "I understand."
"You do, don't you? This is so unfair," Elizabeth muttered.
"Look, if having sex now would make you too embarrassed to ever speak to me again, then it's good we didn't," Jason explained simply.
That night she had led him on and he had been so understanding, so accepting of the situation. He always accepted her decisions even if he didn't like them.
Jason always understood her. He could always tell when she was lying. Well, he could up until he shut himself down and stayed away from her during Sonny's 'death'. Oh she knew she had overreacted, but Jason had been especially callous about her feelings. All she had needed was a kind word from him, a sign that he was alright, a sign from him that she mattered. Even after the lies were told and the truth was out, she had still wanted him to try. When she had been acting so cold towards him, all she had wanted was Jason to fight for her, to explain himself and his actions. She had needed him, but he had failed her. After one attempt, he had simply given up.
Jason Morgan had given up.
Sometimes Elizabeth truly could not believe it. She did not understand how Jason had done it, how he let go so easily. That night in his penthouse, when they had finally confessed their feelings, had been one of the best nights of her life. Elizabeth had stuck herself out there, voiced her feelings, and Jason had reciprocated. She thought they had finally gotten over the past, gotten through the half-truths and the aloofness. Jason had told her he respected her and that he could try, and then he turned around and forgot her existence. It was as if that night had never happened.
It had been so simple for him to find another. Elizabeth felt like she had barely blinked and drawn breath before he jumped into bed and a love affair with Courtney. Seeing the two of them had hurt because it proved that what they had shared didn't mean nearly as much to him as it had to her. Why was it that he could try with Courtney, but not with her? He could put his all into a relationship with Courtney. He could lie to Sonny for months, sneak around behind his back, and defy him, but he couldn't fight for her. Elizabeth had eventually moved on from him, but the hurt over their lost friendship didn't go away. It faded, but it was always there.
She missed the friendship more than anything else.
In the aftermath, they pushed each other away and said so many hurtful things to one another; things that could never be taken back. The pain caused by the other was just too deep to repair. There was no going back, and Elizabeth would not allow them to go forward together. They would only hurt each other all over again. And she couldn't take anymore pain.
Through all the hurt and the lies, one thing was painfully clear: a relationship together was not an option.
Elizabeth hadn't been lying when she said she no longer recognized Jason. It was the truth, she couldn't see the man who had saved her in Jake's so long ago. He wasn't his own person anymore and had changed into someone that was unrecognizable to her. But Elizabeth had changed too. Sometimes she felt as if a lifetime had passed since she and Jason had been anything to each other. In actuality, it had only been six months, but so much had happened during that time. Elizabeth had loved and lost since Jason Morgan left her life.
Elizabeth looked over at the two paintings propped against the wall, which had been painted for two very different men. One for Jason and one for another man, a man she had lost. Looking at that picture now brought tears to her eyes, but she blinked them away. She couldn't allow herself to think about him, about how much she missed him, how much she loved him still.
With every thought of him, her heart felt like it was being pulled from her chest.
She hated the situation, she hated Jason, she hated the man who was gone from her life forever, and she hated herself. Mostly though she hated that she could still feel.