(AN: This is a short AN, I don't wanna lose my sudden strike of inspiration just yet. But I warn you; you might get bored, because this part required a lot of thinking by Zelgadis. Hey, it was necessary, I think. Gah, thinking. I don't own the song I used here, MUCH MUCH thanks to DS for this! ~*~Tams~*~)

Royal Blunders

Chapter Eight: The Extremes of Love, Or Something Like That

"I'm not supposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am

I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)

I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs

There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this under control

They can't help me 'cause no one knows"

~ Changes, 3 Doors Down

Zelgadis was awake, and now, quite contrary to last night, his confusion had turned to something remotely like fear. Now, fear and Zelgadis are two words that don't often come together in the same sentence, because Zelgadis was a modestly brave person.

In battle, he didn't seem to care, and took care of what he needed to take care of. In those life and death situations that seemed to come up a lot in his life as common events, he was cautious but fearless.

In everyday life (usually consisting of bandit burnings, restaurant raiding, and general conversation that involved Lina injuring Gourry), he was the observer, saying his bit when he felt like it, and not afraid (and still not caring) about what anyone thought of it, minus those minor events where one of them managed to make him blush.

But when it came to matters of the heart, he was somewhat clueless, and having no knowledge of something could very easily scare you. In short, Zelgadis was afraid.

This being an occasion he wouldn't like sharing with the rest of the world, he sat on his bed, a whirlwind of thoughts passing rapidly in and out of his mind, coming to him like gunfire.

Amelia kissed him. She had some conscious level of knowing what she did. Kissing meant some level of caring, so what could that amount to? The extreme; love. Once again, Zelgadis couldn't imagine anyone being able to love him.

He took the time he had before the morning (this was at about four in the morning) to reflect on the possibilities, the pros, and the cons, whatever you like to call it.

Alright, he thought, so she kissed me. I guess that's the kind of thing she'd do, since she's never gotten drunk before…but still, what came to mind was what Lady Adara had casually mentioned—that she knew, sort of, what she was doing. So why would she want to kiss Zelgadis, even if it was only a little part of her doing so? Only caring for him that she'd be willing to kiss him.

But what was caring, anyway? There was friendly care, like the kind between two friends, obviously. There was care between family, like a bond that kept them together. But then there was the care that meant you couldn't live without another person because your care was so strong, it could be called passion.

That was love, wasn't it?

He didn't know; as if anyone had felt that way about him. He was the Heartless Chimeric Swordsman, or something to that extent, emphasis on Heartless. Heartless meant there was no heart. But, now that he thought about it, that was completely absurd. Everyone had a heart, no matter how cold it was. So he had a heart. But could he care?

Of course he could, he thought, his pondering running deeper. He did care for his friends, because they were the only ones he'd ever had. Their bond may have seemed casual, but there was still the fact that everyone knew, that they would risk their lives to help each other. He'd come to know and respect, but not go too deep into, that friendship. So he could care in the friendly shade of the word.

Now, caring for family, that was something he never knew and never would know. Rezo was the only family he'd ever known, but something that could not count. Rezo, because of Ruby-Eye Shabranigdo having been sealed inside his body, had been transformed into someone cold and unRezo-like. Since Rezo was the only person he could consider family, that couldn't account for much of anything.

So, if he could care for his friends….and he'd never known the care for family.…what about that last one….love?

He turned sideways to lie on his back and stare at the ceiling. He didn't know if he could handle that kind of thing. Passion was something Zelgadis did not have a handle on, one of the few things in fact. He'd made a life and a reputation for himself, that Heartless Chimeric Swordsman bit, he'd grown to be friends with Lina and Gourry and the rest of them, and he'd planned on leaving it at that.

Never did he stop to think that one of them could want something more than his rare friendship.

So, did that mean that Amelia loved him? How could she even think about that, he thought, when I'm cursed with a hideous….his expression became disgusted. No one can love someone like me, the cold and heartless chimera, he thought bitterly. That was all he was. A chimera. A human and a chimera wouldn't do. That was that, he decided. I'll just make sure she knows that what she did was purely under the influence, and nothing will happen.

If only he knew that he was doing all of that out of fear, because Zelgadis was afraid to change, excluding what he'd thought before. Maybe Amelia was changing. Changing her image of him, perhaps.

But Zelgadis didn't want to change. He would remain cold, and nothing could hurt him. Friendship could stay, but nothing above that level. Amelia could start to care me, if she wanted, she could change her image, but he wouldn't. That was too dangerous, because he had to focus—on his cure-- and no one wanted to get hurt. No more losing his mysterious image. No more being carefree. No more turning into something he couldn't be.

The sound of the morning horn call startled him, but he went easily to his closet to find something to wear—and coldly, not with a slight smile, like he had been doing. No more trying to be something else.

That was that.