Chapter 2
"So these are the kiddies," Gordie said, looking around the room. "What are all of your names?"
"Vanessa."
"Charlotte."
"ANDY!" Andy ran up and jumped into Gordie's arms.
"Ooof!" Totally unprepared for Andy's sudden weight, Gordie staggered and collapsed onto a couch.
"Gordie, that was the lamest thing I've ever seen," Chris said. He looked at Charlotte. "Wasn't that lame?"
She grinned. "Yeah."
"You know what? Screw you."
"What's that mean?" Andy asked Chris from the ground.
"It means. . . um. . . thanks a lot, Gordie. . . "
"No it doesn't," Charlotte said, confused. Chris, not comprehending the misinterpretation, was trying to figure out what she meant when Gordie said, "Uh, yeah it does. Don't argue with Chris. 'Screw you' does indeed mean 'thank you'."
Chris raised his eyebrows. "God, Gordie, you're-"
"I wanna eat," Andy interrupted impatiently.
"You JUST had a half a box of Oreos," Chris said, staring at the little girl.
"I want a hammich."
"A what?"
"A hammich."
"What's a hammich?" Chris asked Charlotte, who laughed.
"She can't say sandwich. She wants a sandwich."
"Make me one," Gordie demanded.
"Who the hell said I was making a sandwich?"
Andy gasped. "You said hell!"
Chris winced. "Yeah. That's bad. See, I can say that because I'm older. You shouldn't say that."
"Hell!"
"Andy, no."
"Hell!"
"Andy!" Vanessa interrupted, looking significantly at Chris. "You're not supposed to say that."
"Hell!"
"No hammich!" Vanessa raised her eyebrows threateningly.
Andy looked at Chris sadly. "Will you make me a hammich, Uncle Chrissy? Please?"
"Uncle Chrissy?" Gordie repeated incredulously.
Chris chose to ignore Gordie's amazement. "You can't say hell, Andy."
"Sorry," she murmured, hugging his leg. "Sorry I'm bad."
"It's okay," he replied awkwardly. "What do you like on your hammich?"
"Cheese."
"That's it?"
"Yeah."
"Do you like grilled cheese or cold cheese?"
"Do you have cooked cheese?" Andy asked hopefully.
Chris smiled. "Yeah, we've got cooked cheese." He turned to head into the kitchen and Andy waddled after him.
"So," Gordie said, looking at the two older girls, "what do you like to do?"
"Play the piano," Charlotte answered quietly.
"I like to watch TV," Vanessa put in.
"Me too," Charlotte agreed, looking at her sister.
"Do you like to play cards?" Gordie asked.
"Yeah," Charlotte answered. She seemed to be gaining confidence the more she talked. "I like to play old maid."
"Ever played poker?"
Charlotte and Vanessa both looked at him like he was crazy. "We're not allowed to play poker," Vanessa explained.
"Why not?" Gordie asked curiously.
"Mamma says no," Charlotte answered, as if that was the crusher of any argument Gordie could possibly have.
"Daddy plays poker," Vanessa told Gordie.
"Is he any good?"
"I dunno. Whenever he plays, he gets really drunk and mean."
Gordie decided that maybe from then on, he should just be quiet.
"Lets go see what Chris and Andy are doing," Charlotte suggested after a little while.
"Yeah," Gordie agreed, grateful to her for breaking the silence. They headed across the living room, down the hallway, and into the kitchen, just in time to see Chris reach for a plate and slide a sandwich onto it.
"Here," he said, gesturing for Andy to follow him to the table.
"Hammich!" she exclaimed, and put her arms around his leg and kissed his knee.
Chris looked up to see Gordie, Charlotte, and Vanessa in the doorway and blushed a deep red.
"Hey," he said to Gordie, who snickered.
"Hey, Uncle Chrissy," he replied, and Chris had to remind himself of the "Hell!" incident to keep from socking him.
"Here you go," he said, lifting Andy up to the chair and setting the sandwich in front of her.
"Screw you," she said cheerfully.
"Excuse me?" Chris demanded.
"Screw you!" Andy giggled and bit into her sandwich.
"This is your fault," Chris hissed to Gordie, who just stood in the background laughing. "I can't BELIEVE you taught her that. I HATE you."
"Hey, if you don't like what I've done to her, I advise steering clear of Teddy."
"Who's Teddy?" Charlotte asked curiously.
"A friend of mine. One that I am seriously considering not letting you meet."
"Why?"
"Charlotte, there are people in this world that you don't meet unless God hates you," Gordie explained.
"Why, what makes Teddy so bad?"
"You know how Chris taught Andy to say "hell" and I taught her that 'screw you' means 'thank you'?"
"Yes. . . "
"Teddy would end up teaching her something like "Fuck the revolution, go home, and kill your mother'."
Charlotte's eyes widened. "Really?"
"Yeah."
"Can I ask a question?" Vanessa asked, seeming a little quieter than normal.
"Shoot," Gordie said, nodding.
"Does he smoke crack? What is crack?"
"Crack is a drug, and Teddy does not, to my knowledge, smoke it."
Charlotte nodded.
"Why do you ask?"
"Everyone in my school talks about stuff like that, and I never know what it means," Vanessa explained.
"Well, go ahead, ask me anything," Gordie said, leaning back. "I know everything, you know."
"How do you make a baby?" Andy piped up through a mouthful of grilled cheese.
"Uh. . . ask Chris."
"Uncle Chrissy? How do people make babies?"
Chris shifted in his seat. "Well, when you get older, two people love each other very much. . . "
"Yeah, I know that part," Andy interrupted, frowning. "But what happens next?"
"Well. . . " Chris paused, debating with himself on how to phrase the next part. He took a breath. "Have you ever heard of sex?"
Andy gasped and her jaw dropped, making the bite of sandwich fall out. "Yes!"
"What do you know about it?"
"Mommy says it has to do with people sleeping in the same bed. Can you have a baby if you snore?"
Chris laughed. "I don't know about that."
"Have you ever had a baby, Uncle Chrissy?"
Gordie burst into laughter and fell off his chair.
"Um, no," Chris replied, blushing. "Only girls have babies."
"Oh." Andy nodded in understanding. "What's sex?"
"It's how you make a baby."
"Ohhhhh." Andy nodded in grown-up understanding. "Everything is so clear to me now."
Chris smiled. "I'm glad."
Vanessa shook her head. "Andy, you're so weird," she admonished, looking at her sister.
"Well at least I know what sex is!"
"That's a life skill, right there," Charlotte muttered.
"Uncle Chrissy, can I have some milk?"
"Yeah," Chris said, getting up.
"Wait! Don't leave! You told me about sex! Stay here! Make HIM get it!" Andy demanded, pointing at Gordie.
Gordie looked at her. "I don't want to get up. Besides, I could tell you a lot more about sex than you know now."
Andy's eyes widened. "Really?"
"No," Chris said immediately. "No no no. I'm getting up to get milk." He got up and poured a glass of milk. "Andy, you know enough about sex to tide you over about ten years."
"Thank you," she said, slurping some milk. "Can I call my mom?"
"Why?"
"Because she doesn't know anything about sex either. I want to tell her."
Gordie laughed again.
"I think we should wait to tell her," Chris replied slowly. "She might be busy."
"Oh yeah. Gosh, Chris, you're so smart."
Vanessa, Charlotte, and Gordie all laughed. "Yeah, Chris," Gordie added. "You're brilliant."
"Gordie, screw off."
"SCREW YOU!"
"Andy!"
"Sorry."
"I want to meet Teddy," Vanessa said after a few minutes.
"No, no, you really don't," Chris replied, looking at her.
"Yes I DO!"
"Why? What has Gordie told you about him?"
"He doesn't smoke crack."
"Um, ok. . . "
"He sounds cool."
Chris snorted. "Teddy's cool like an Eskimo in Mexico."
Charlotte laughed. "I know a couple people like that."
"I really want to meet him," Vanessa continued. "Please, invite him over."
Chris sighed and motioned for Gordie to get him the phone. Gordie took the receiver off the hook and handed it to his friend.
"I can't believe I'm meeting someone who actually wants to meet Teddy," Gordie said, shaking his head in amazement as Chris made the phone call.
"He can't be that bad," Charlotte said reasonably. "You guys like him, right?"
"Well, yeah, WE like him," Gordie agreed, "but then again, we aren't eleven, eight, and three year old girls."
"Really?" Charlotte asked.
"Shut up."
"Okay, he's coming over," Chris said, and hung up the phone. "I'd like you all to keep in mind that this wasn't my idea."
"You're still gonna be dead, though," Gordie snickered.
Fifteen minutes and one game of Old Maid later, there was a knock at the door.
Chris sighed heavily. "I'll get that," he said, and dragged himself over to the door.
"Hey!" came a booming voice from the doorway. "There's this hot new girl moving in above the drugstore. Fucking A! Talk about your jugs!"
Andy came up behind Chris and hugged his knee tightly. She tugged on his shirt hem to get him to look down at her. "What's a fucking A?"
End of Chapter 2
"So these are the kiddies," Gordie said, looking around the room. "What are all of your names?"
"Vanessa."
"Charlotte."
"ANDY!" Andy ran up and jumped into Gordie's arms.
"Ooof!" Totally unprepared for Andy's sudden weight, Gordie staggered and collapsed onto a couch.
"Gordie, that was the lamest thing I've ever seen," Chris said. He looked at Charlotte. "Wasn't that lame?"
She grinned. "Yeah."
"You know what? Screw you."
"What's that mean?" Andy asked Chris from the ground.
"It means. . . um. . . thanks a lot, Gordie. . . "
"No it doesn't," Charlotte said, confused. Chris, not comprehending the misinterpretation, was trying to figure out what she meant when Gordie said, "Uh, yeah it does. Don't argue with Chris. 'Screw you' does indeed mean 'thank you'."
Chris raised his eyebrows. "God, Gordie, you're-"
"I wanna eat," Andy interrupted impatiently.
"You JUST had a half a box of Oreos," Chris said, staring at the little girl.
"I want a hammich."
"A what?"
"A hammich."
"What's a hammich?" Chris asked Charlotte, who laughed.
"She can't say sandwich. She wants a sandwich."
"Make me one," Gordie demanded.
"Who the hell said I was making a sandwich?"
Andy gasped. "You said hell!"
Chris winced. "Yeah. That's bad. See, I can say that because I'm older. You shouldn't say that."
"Hell!"
"Andy, no."
"Hell!"
"Andy!" Vanessa interrupted, looking significantly at Chris. "You're not supposed to say that."
"Hell!"
"No hammich!" Vanessa raised her eyebrows threateningly.
Andy looked at Chris sadly. "Will you make me a hammich, Uncle Chrissy? Please?"
"Uncle Chrissy?" Gordie repeated incredulously.
Chris chose to ignore Gordie's amazement. "You can't say hell, Andy."
"Sorry," she murmured, hugging his leg. "Sorry I'm bad."
"It's okay," he replied awkwardly. "What do you like on your hammich?"
"Cheese."
"That's it?"
"Yeah."
"Do you like grilled cheese or cold cheese?"
"Do you have cooked cheese?" Andy asked hopefully.
Chris smiled. "Yeah, we've got cooked cheese." He turned to head into the kitchen and Andy waddled after him.
"So," Gordie said, looking at the two older girls, "what do you like to do?"
"Play the piano," Charlotte answered quietly.
"I like to watch TV," Vanessa put in.
"Me too," Charlotte agreed, looking at her sister.
"Do you like to play cards?" Gordie asked.
"Yeah," Charlotte answered. She seemed to be gaining confidence the more she talked. "I like to play old maid."
"Ever played poker?"
Charlotte and Vanessa both looked at him like he was crazy. "We're not allowed to play poker," Vanessa explained.
"Why not?" Gordie asked curiously.
"Mamma says no," Charlotte answered, as if that was the crusher of any argument Gordie could possibly have.
"Daddy plays poker," Vanessa told Gordie.
"Is he any good?"
"I dunno. Whenever he plays, he gets really drunk and mean."
Gordie decided that maybe from then on, he should just be quiet.
"Lets go see what Chris and Andy are doing," Charlotte suggested after a little while.
"Yeah," Gordie agreed, grateful to her for breaking the silence. They headed across the living room, down the hallway, and into the kitchen, just in time to see Chris reach for a plate and slide a sandwich onto it.
"Here," he said, gesturing for Andy to follow him to the table.
"Hammich!" she exclaimed, and put her arms around his leg and kissed his knee.
Chris looked up to see Gordie, Charlotte, and Vanessa in the doorway and blushed a deep red.
"Hey," he said to Gordie, who snickered.
"Hey, Uncle Chrissy," he replied, and Chris had to remind himself of the "Hell!" incident to keep from socking him.
"Here you go," he said, lifting Andy up to the chair and setting the sandwich in front of her.
"Screw you," she said cheerfully.
"Excuse me?" Chris demanded.
"Screw you!" Andy giggled and bit into her sandwich.
"This is your fault," Chris hissed to Gordie, who just stood in the background laughing. "I can't BELIEVE you taught her that. I HATE you."
"Hey, if you don't like what I've done to her, I advise steering clear of Teddy."
"Who's Teddy?" Charlotte asked curiously.
"A friend of mine. One that I am seriously considering not letting you meet."
"Why?"
"Charlotte, there are people in this world that you don't meet unless God hates you," Gordie explained.
"Why, what makes Teddy so bad?"
"You know how Chris taught Andy to say "hell" and I taught her that 'screw you' means 'thank you'?"
"Yes. . . "
"Teddy would end up teaching her something like "Fuck the revolution, go home, and kill your mother'."
Charlotte's eyes widened. "Really?"
"Yeah."
"Can I ask a question?" Vanessa asked, seeming a little quieter than normal.
"Shoot," Gordie said, nodding.
"Does he smoke crack? What is crack?"
"Crack is a drug, and Teddy does not, to my knowledge, smoke it."
Charlotte nodded.
"Why do you ask?"
"Everyone in my school talks about stuff like that, and I never know what it means," Vanessa explained.
"Well, go ahead, ask me anything," Gordie said, leaning back. "I know everything, you know."
"How do you make a baby?" Andy piped up through a mouthful of grilled cheese.
"Uh. . . ask Chris."
"Uncle Chrissy? How do people make babies?"
Chris shifted in his seat. "Well, when you get older, two people love each other very much. . . "
"Yeah, I know that part," Andy interrupted, frowning. "But what happens next?"
"Well. . . " Chris paused, debating with himself on how to phrase the next part. He took a breath. "Have you ever heard of sex?"
Andy gasped and her jaw dropped, making the bite of sandwich fall out. "Yes!"
"What do you know about it?"
"Mommy says it has to do with people sleeping in the same bed. Can you have a baby if you snore?"
Chris laughed. "I don't know about that."
"Have you ever had a baby, Uncle Chrissy?"
Gordie burst into laughter and fell off his chair.
"Um, no," Chris replied, blushing. "Only girls have babies."
"Oh." Andy nodded in understanding. "What's sex?"
"It's how you make a baby."
"Ohhhhh." Andy nodded in grown-up understanding. "Everything is so clear to me now."
Chris smiled. "I'm glad."
Vanessa shook her head. "Andy, you're so weird," she admonished, looking at her sister.
"Well at least I know what sex is!"
"That's a life skill, right there," Charlotte muttered.
"Uncle Chrissy, can I have some milk?"
"Yeah," Chris said, getting up.
"Wait! Don't leave! You told me about sex! Stay here! Make HIM get it!" Andy demanded, pointing at Gordie.
Gordie looked at her. "I don't want to get up. Besides, I could tell you a lot more about sex than you know now."
Andy's eyes widened. "Really?"
"No," Chris said immediately. "No no no. I'm getting up to get milk." He got up and poured a glass of milk. "Andy, you know enough about sex to tide you over about ten years."
"Thank you," she said, slurping some milk. "Can I call my mom?"
"Why?"
"Because she doesn't know anything about sex either. I want to tell her."
Gordie laughed again.
"I think we should wait to tell her," Chris replied slowly. "She might be busy."
"Oh yeah. Gosh, Chris, you're so smart."
Vanessa, Charlotte, and Gordie all laughed. "Yeah, Chris," Gordie added. "You're brilliant."
"Gordie, screw off."
"SCREW YOU!"
"Andy!"
"Sorry."
"I want to meet Teddy," Vanessa said after a few minutes.
"No, no, you really don't," Chris replied, looking at her.
"Yes I DO!"
"Why? What has Gordie told you about him?"
"He doesn't smoke crack."
"Um, ok. . . "
"He sounds cool."
Chris snorted. "Teddy's cool like an Eskimo in Mexico."
Charlotte laughed. "I know a couple people like that."
"I really want to meet him," Vanessa continued. "Please, invite him over."
Chris sighed and motioned for Gordie to get him the phone. Gordie took the receiver off the hook and handed it to his friend.
"I can't believe I'm meeting someone who actually wants to meet Teddy," Gordie said, shaking his head in amazement as Chris made the phone call.
"He can't be that bad," Charlotte said reasonably. "You guys like him, right?"
"Well, yeah, WE like him," Gordie agreed, "but then again, we aren't eleven, eight, and three year old girls."
"Really?" Charlotte asked.
"Shut up."
"Okay, he's coming over," Chris said, and hung up the phone. "I'd like you all to keep in mind that this wasn't my idea."
"You're still gonna be dead, though," Gordie snickered.
Fifteen minutes and one game of Old Maid later, there was a knock at the door.
Chris sighed heavily. "I'll get that," he said, and dragged himself over to the door.
"Hey!" came a booming voice from the doorway. "There's this hot new girl moving in above the drugstore. Fucking A! Talk about your jugs!"
Andy came up behind Chris and hugged his knee tightly. She tugged on his shirt hem to get him to look down at her. "What's a fucking A?"
End of Chapter 2