Chapter 3
"Wow," Teddy commented, rummaging around Chris's kitchen, looking for food ("I want it!" "No, Andy, no. . . "). "I can't believe Chris Chambers is watching three little kids."
"And why is that?" Charlotte asked, one hand on her hip. "We're GOOD kids!"
"Well," Teddy said slowly, "you're not exactly the type of female company Chris normally keeps."
"Why, what sort of company is that?" Charlotte looked genuinely curious.
"The sexy kind," Teddy answered bluntly.
"SEX!" Andy screamed.
"Yes, sex," Teddy affirmed. Then he looked at the tiny little redhead. "How do you know about sex?"
"Chris."
"Chris? He's been teaching you about sex?"
"Yep," she responded brightly. "He's so smart. He knows everything."
"Yeah, Chris WOULD be the one to give you your first sex talk."
Andy dropped her voice conspiratorially. "Did you know he's never had a baby?"
Teddy raised his eyebrows and grinned. "Really?"
"Really," Andy assured him, her eyes wide.
"Andy, just how old ARE you?"
"Ummm . . . "
"Three," Charlotte and Vanessa provided in unison from across the kitchen.
"Three," Andy informed Teddy.
"Wow, that's old," Teddy said, slinging an arm around the toddler.
"I know," she agreed proudly. "I can drive soon."
Teddy laughed. "You sure about that?"
"Vroom!"
"Andy, you're freaking me out," Chris commented from the other side of the kitchen, where he was making some dinner for the older girls.
"Vroom!"
"She does this a lot," Charlotte said, giggling. "Can I have a bit more mustard on mine?"
"Sure."
Andy looked over at the word "mustard" to see that Chris was fixing hot dogs for her sisters. "Uncle Chrissy!" she shrieked. "I want a hot dog!"
Chris stared at her wearily. "Are you like some sort of bottomless pit?"
"No! Want hot dog!"
"No."
"Why?"
"We don't HAVE any more."
"Want hot dog!"
"Andy, no," Chris repeated, running a hand through his hair and wondering how in the world he was going to restrain this child.
"Do THEY have hot dogs?" Andy demanded, pointing at Gordie and Teddy.
"Uh, at my HOUSE," Teddy answered uncertainly.
"HE HAS HOT DOGS!"
"No he doesn't!" Chris cried worriedly. "He was LYING! Weren't you, Teddy?"
"Um, yes."
"Bad! Bad Teddy! Hell!"
Chris eyed her, deciding that for the time being, her use of the word was justified. "Yes," he said, slowly and cautiously, "Teddy WILL probably go to hell. Unless he says sorry for lying. Right, Gordie?"
"Right," Gordie agreed merrily, thoroughly enjoying this entire conversation.
"Hot dog!"
"NO!"
"Is she always hungry?" Chris asked Charlotte aside, when Andy and Vanessa had gone to play cards with Teddy and Gordie.
"Pretty much."
"Well, God! How does your mom deal with it?"
"See that gut?"
Chris laughed. "She's not THAT heavy."
"Chris, she eats her body weight every day."
Chris's eyes widened in alarm. "Are you serious?"
"No. But she's close."
"Hey!" Teddy cried. "You can't DO that! Tell her she can't DO that!"
"Why?" Vanessa demanded.
"Because it's not allowed!"
"Why?"
"I don't know! You just can't!"
"Andy doesn't know how to play poker! What she did was a perfectly legal and brilliant way to start winning!"
"It isn't allowed! I'm not going to play!" Teddy insisted, but he looked like he was going to start laughing any second now.
"What did you do?" Chris asked Andy, wondering what this little three year old could have done this time.
"She ate my royal flush!"
Chris laughed.
"It isn't funny!" Teddy cried, laughing in spite of himself.
"I've never seen anyone eat like that," Gordie said in amazement, snickering.
"Andy, I can't believe you did that," Vanessa said, looking down at her sister and tickling her. "Are you really that hungry?"
Andy shrieked with laughter. "Yeah!"
Chris sighed. "Kid, you're going to have to get a grip on this whole eating thing. We're going shopping tomorrow. You can get whatever you want. What's your favorite food?"
"Cheese!"
"Andy, how many meals are there in a day?"
"Breakfast. Breakfast snack. Lunch Snack. Lunch. Lunch snack. Dinner snack. Dinner. Bed snack."
Teddy laughed incredulously. "Chris, do you HAVE that much food?"
"Probably not."
"Andy, do you seriously eat that much every day?"
"Whenever possible," Charlotte said, rolling her eyes.
"What do you two like to eat?" Chris asked, looking around at Vanessa and Charlotte.
"Doesn't matter," Vanessa said, shrugging. "Charlotte can't have milk, though." Chris saw Charlotte elbow her sister.
"Hey!" he said to the oldest girl. "What was that all about?"
"I didn't want you to feel like you had to make special stuff for me," Charlotte said softly.
"Well, what if I'd given you like a milkshake?"
"It makes her throw up," Vanessa explained.
"Well, then we DO have to make special stuff for you," Gordie said, confused.
"There's nothing wrong with that," Chris said slowly. "Charlotte, why wouldn't you tell me something like that?"
"Mom thinks it's stupid," Charlotte said slowly. "I'm not weak," she said quietly, looking up at Chris. "You can't think that, because I'm not."
"I know," Chris replied. "I didn't think you were weak at all."
"Mom hates Charlotte!" Andy piped up brightly. Vanessa elbowed her swiftly. "She does not."
"Yuh huh!"
"Andy, SHUT UP," Vanessa hissed.
A long, awkward silence followed, in which Chris was struggling to think of something to say that wasn't incredibly stupid. Finally, Andy broke it.
"I'm tired."
"Okay," Chris said. "Come on, we'll get you to bed."
"I want him to tuck me in," Andy commanded, pointing at Gordie. "And you."
Gordie exchanged a look with Chris. "Uh. . ."
"Come on, Gordie," Chris prodded. "Don't be mean!"
"I'm not mean! I'm just. . ."
"You're mean," Teddy nodded. "The kid wants you to tuck her in, and all you can do is stand there. How does it feel, knowing that you're scarring this child with every breath you take?"
"Uh. . ."
"Come on, Gordie," Chris said, picking up Andy and heading up the stairs. Gordie, looking slightly confused, followed.
"You'll sleep here," Chris said, opening the door to his bedroom. "One of you can have my bed, and the others can have the cots. Which one would you like?"
"Is your bed comfy?" Andy asked.
"Uh, I think so. . ."
"Does it smell bad?" she asked, nose wrinkled.
"No, not really. . ."
"My bed has Chicken in a Biskit in it."
Gordie snorted. "That's wonderful."
"Does your bed have Chicken in a Biskit?"
"No."
"Uncle Chrissy!"
"You sound shocked."
"Can we buy some at the store tomorrow?" she implored. "I want the bed."
"Ok," he agreed.
"I can't get on it."
"What?"
"I'm not big enough."
He watched the little girl struggle valiantly for the better part of ten minutes to climb the mountain that was his bed before he finally lifted her up.
"Thank you," she murmured, burrowing under his blankets and snuggling into his pillow.
"Good night, Andy," he said quietly.
"Yeah, good night," Gordie added.
"Don't you two do anything right?" Andy demanded impatiently.
"Uh. . ."
"Come here," she directed. Both of them inched closer.
"Night night," she cooed, wrapping her arms around Chris's neck and kissing him. "Sweet dreams." She did the same thing to Gordie. "That's how you tuck someone in."
"Wow," Gordie said to Chris, exiting the room a minute later. "She's so cute!"
"Yeah, that was probably more action than you've had all year, huh?"
"Shut up, little man!" Gordie said, shutting the door.
"HELL!"
Chris sighed. "Andy, GO TO SLEEP!"
End of Chapter 3
"Wow," Teddy commented, rummaging around Chris's kitchen, looking for food ("I want it!" "No, Andy, no. . . "). "I can't believe Chris Chambers is watching three little kids."
"And why is that?" Charlotte asked, one hand on her hip. "We're GOOD kids!"
"Well," Teddy said slowly, "you're not exactly the type of female company Chris normally keeps."
"Why, what sort of company is that?" Charlotte looked genuinely curious.
"The sexy kind," Teddy answered bluntly.
"SEX!" Andy screamed.
"Yes, sex," Teddy affirmed. Then he looked at the tiny little redhead. "How do you know about sex?"
"Chris."
"Chris? He's been teaching you about sex?"
"Yep," she responded brightly. "He's so smart. He knows everything."
"Yeah, Chris WOULD be the one to give you your first sex talk."
Andy dropped her voice conspiratorially. "Did you know he's never had a baby?"
Teddy raised his eyebrows and grinned. "Really?"
"Really," Andy assured him, her eyes wide.
"Andy, just how old ARE you?"
"Ummm . . . "
"Three," Charlotte and Vanessa provided in unison from across the kitchen.
"Three," Andy informed Teddy.
"Wow, that's old," Teddy said, slinging an arm around the toddler.
"I know," she agreed proudly. "I can drive soon."
Teddy laughed. "You sure about that?"
"Vroom!"
"Andy, you're freaking me out," Chris commented from the other side of the kitchen, where he was making some dinner for the older girls.
"Vroom!"
"She does this a lot," Charlotte said, giggling. "Can I have a bit more mustard on mine?"
"Sure."
Andy looked over at the word "mustard" to see that Chris was fixing hot dogs for her sisters. "Uncle Chrissy!" she shrieked. "I want a hot dog!"
Chris stared at her wearily. "Are you like some sort of bottomless pit?"
"No! Want hot dog!"
"No."
"Why?"
"We don't HAVE any more."
"Want hot dog!"
"Andy, no," Chris repeated, running a hand through his hair and wondering how in the world he was going to restrain this child.
"Do THEY have hot dogs?" Andy demanded, pointing at Gordie and Teddy.
"Uh, at my HOUSE," Teddy answered uncertainly.
"HE HAS HOT DOGS!"
"No he doesn't!" Chris cried worriedly. "He was LYING! Weren't you, Teddy?"
"Um, yes."
"Bad! Bad Teddy! Hell!"
Chris eyed her, deciding that for the time being, her use of the word was justified. "Yes," he said, slowly and cautiously, "Teddy WILL probably go to hell. Unless he says sorry for lying. Right, Gordie?"
"Right," Gordie agreed merrily, thoroughly enjoying this entire conversation.
"Hot dog!"
"NO!"
"Is she always hungry?" Chris asked Charlotte aside, when Andy and Vanessa had gone to play cards with Teddy and Gordie.
"Pretty much."
"Well, God! How does your mom deal with it?"
"See that gut?"
Chris laughed. "She's not THAT heavy."
"Chris, she eats her body weight every day."
Chris's eyes widened in alarm. "Are you serious?"
"No. But she's close."
"Hey!" Teddy cried. "You can't DO that! Tell her she can't DO that!"
"Why?" Vanessa demanded.
"Because it's not allowed!"
"Why?"
"I don't know! You just can't!"
"Andy doesn't know how to play poker! What she did was a perfectly legal and brilliant way to start winning!"
"It isn't allowed! I'm not going to play!" Teddy insisted, but he looked like he was going to start laughing any second now.
"What did you do?" Chris asked Andy, wondering what this little three year old could have done this time.
"She ate my royal flush!"
Chris laughed.
"It isn't funny!" Teddy cried, laughing in spite of himself.
"I've never seen anyone eat like that," Gordie said in amazement, snickering.
"Andy, I can't believe you did that," Vanessa said, looking down at her sister and tickling her. "Are you really that hungry?"
Andy shrieked with laughter. "Yeah!"
Chris sighed. "Kid, you're going to have to get a grip on this whole eating thing. We're going shopping tomorrow. You can get whatever you want. What's your favorite food?"
"Cheese!"
"Andy, how many meals are there in a day?"
"Breakfast. Breakfast snack. Lunch Snack. Lunch. Lunch snack. Dinner snack. Dinner. Bed snack."
Teddy laughed incredulously. "Chris, do you HAVE that much food?"
"Probably not."
"Andy, do you seriously eat that much every day?"
"Whenever possible," Charlotte said, rolling her eyes.
"What do you two like to eat?" Chris asked, looking around at Vanessa and Charlotte.
"Doesn't matter," Vanessa said, shrugging. "Charlotte can't have milk, though." Chris saw Charlotte elbow her sister.
"Hey!" he said to the oldest girl. "What was that all about?"
"I didn't want you to feel like you had to make special stuff for me," Charlotte said softly.
"Well, what if I'd given you like a milkshake?"
"It makes her throw up," Vanessa explained.
"Well, then we DO have to make special stuff for you," Gordie said, confused.
"There's nothing wrong with that," Chris said slowly. "Charlotte, why wouldn't you tell me something like that?"
"Mom thinks it's stupid," Charlotte said slowly. "I'm not weak," she said quietly, looking up at Chris. "You can't think that, because I'm not."
"I know," Chris replied. "I didn't think you were weak at all."
"Mom hates Charlotte!" Andy piped up brightly. Vanessa elbowed her swiftly. "She does not."
"Yuh huh!"
"Andy, SHUT UP," Vanessa hissed.
A long, awkward silence followed, in which Chris was struggling to think of something to say that wasn't incredibly stupid. Finally, Andy broke it.
"I'm tired."
"Okay," Chris said. "Come on, we'll get you to bed."
"I want him to tuck me in," Andy commanded, pointing at Gordie. "And you."
Gordie exchanged a look with Chris. "Uh. . ."
"Come on, Gordie," Chris prodded. "Don't be mean!"
"I'm not mean! I'm just. . ."
"You're mean," Teddy nodded. "The kid wants you to tuck her in, and all you can do is stand there. How does it feel, knowing that you're scarring this child with every breath you take?"
"Uh. . ."
"Come on, Gordie," Chris said, picking up Andy and heading up the stairs. Gordie, looking slightly confused, followed.
"You'll sleep here," Chris said, opening the door to his bedroom. "One of you can have my bed, and the others can have the cots. Which one would you like?"
"Is your bed comfy?" Andy asked.
"Uh, I think so. . ."
"Does it smell bad?" she asked, nose wrinkled.
"No, not really. . ."
"My bed has Chicken in a Biskit in it."
Gordie snorted. "That's wonderful."
"Does your bed have Chicken in a Biskit?"
"No."
"Uncle Chrissy!"
"You sound shocked."
"Can we buy some at the store tomorrow?" she implored. "I want the bed."
"Ok," he agreed.
"I can't get on it."
"What?"
"I'm not big enough."
He watched the little girl struggle valiantly for the better part of ten minutes to climb the mountain that was his bed before he finally lifted her up.
"Thank you," she murmured, burrowing under his blankets and snuggling into his pillow.
"Good night, Andy," he said quietly.
"Yeah, good night," Gordie added.
"Don't you two do anything right?" Andy demanded impatiently.
"Uh. . ."
"Come here," she directed. Both of them inched closer.
"Night night," she cooed, wrapping her arms around Chris's neck and kissing him. "Sweet dreams." She did the same thing to Gordie. "That's how you tuck someone in."
"Wow," Gordie said to Chris, exiting the room a minute later. "She's so cute!"
"Yeah, that was probably more action than you've had all year, huh?"
"Shut up, little man!" Gordie said, shutting the door.
"HELL!"
Chris sighed. "Andy, GO TO SLEEP!"
End of Chapter 3