Cheers to Dharke, I am so happy I have driven you to suicide. How many household items have I caused you to break? Do you HAVE authority figures in your house or what? Your parents must be VERRRRY dissapointed. And to Sparky, yes, I Looooove Out Cold and Sugar and Spice (Luv my Mena! And that James Marsden. Rrrrow! My cyclops!) But where did I parody sugar and spice? I didn't, at least intentionally.
Word to readers, Deven is Kylah's boyfriend. Her real one, not her imaginery one. Also, the end of this chapter reaches UNLIMITED absurdity, but, well, just keep in mind that Kylah takes any opportunity to play piano and sing, and she likes 'Chicago.' I think... well she likes playing that song.
PART 3
The girls make their way to their seats at the service.
RACHEL: These 39 days were a lot more boring than I had imagined.
CLEAR: What the fuck did you expect?
Rachel's face suddenly breaks into a small, but heart-warming smile. We can faintly hear 'Waterloo' by Abba.
RACHEL(Breaking the music): Heheheh. Kum-By-Ah.
TINA: Sit down.
They sit and the boring priest begins to talk.
KYLAH(whispering dumbly): No one is making any sound.
JACKIE(also whispering dumbly): I'm freaking out man.
BREE(whispering dumbly): You know what would totally freak them out?
Beat (What?)
BREE: If we breathed really heavily.
The three "stoners" breathe heavilly.
RACHEL(To Tina): What are they talking about?
TINA: Don't know. I'm not fluent in Freaka.
CLEAR: Quiet you grotty little wankers.
The three sit in silence while the other three get freaky (No, not that way, Rachel, you sick minded bastad) in the background. Bree picks up Clear's purse and smells it.
BREE: Kylah! Kylah! This thing smells like the staircases at school! Take a whiff!
KYLAH: Woah! (she smells inside the bag) ... Shiiiiiiitttttt.
JACKIE: Pass some of that this way. (Takes a whiff) You know, man, I think I figured out why we die.
BREE: Omigod, me too--
JACKIE: No, wait, let me finish. We die, because we accept it, man.
BREE: Mind-blowing. Kylah, what do you think?
Kylah is sitting still, mouth agape. Her eyes, however, are a twirling mount of colours and swirls, shiny with the fine texture of a ribbon. We hear that stupid song, "Insence and Peppermints" by Strawberry Alarm Clock.
Kylah blinks. CUT TO UNKNOWN POV - Back of Kylah's head. She slowly rises from her seat and dashes to the podium. She begins hugging it.
KYLAH: Deven! Deven, honey, I knew you would come back to me! Never leave me again!
She begins kissing the podium and doing some pelvic thrusting.
KYLAH: I've missed you so...
Close in on Clear, who is humiliated. She runs up to the podium and yanks Kylah off. Kylah reaches her hands out to the podium as she is being dragged out of the courtyard.
KYLAH: FIGHT THE POWER, FURIOUS D! THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SONG! (Singing) Time! Where did you go? Why did you leave me here alone? Where in time is Carmen Sandiego? Solve this crime, and solve this mystery. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S CAR - EVENING
CLEAR: You made fools out of yourselves in front of all of Mount Aberham.
BREE: Technically, it was only Chibbi over here. We behaved.
Jackie suddenly peeks up from the floor, holding Clear's purse.
JACKIE: Duuude, do you have anymore purse?
CLEAR: You guys should be very ashamed.
KYLAH: You know what, you're right. I feel like afflicting the punishment on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.
TINA: Wait!
She suddenly knocks Clear out with a brick and takes over the driving. She does a quick turnaround.
RACHEL: What are you doing?
TINA: We let Brendan Fehr die. We are NOT going to let Chad Donnella die!
RACHEL: His name is Tod.
TINA: Whatever. We have to get to his house and save him from his demise!
JACKIE: Better hurry up.
BREE: If we're too late, well, I've always wanted to play Weekend at Bernie's with someone.
The car suddenly sputters and smoke comes out of the hood. A light flashes on the dashboard: SERIOUS PROBLEM.
TINA: Oh, shit. What do we do?
A second light: CONSULT CORONER
Tina GASSES the car as fast as it will go. It makes a funny sound. A third light appears: GAS WON'T HELP YOU
The car skids to a stop.
TINA: NOOOOOOO!
She sighs heavilly and bangs her head on the steering wheel. A third light: YOU KIDS ARE THE DUMBEST I'VE SEEN SINCE 'SCREAM.'
Rachel GRABS Tina by the collar.
RACHEL: Pull yourself together man! Do we really need to save that skinny little plank? What will it--
Beat - An idea!
Rachel hops out of the car, pumping her legs as fast as they'll go.
RACHEL: HOLD TIGHT, TODDIE! I'M A-COMMIN' BOYO!!!!!
Back in the car, the others look at each other and reluctantly get out of the car.
JACKIE: What about Clear?
Tina shrugs and pulls a rediculously large bottle of Scotch out of her tiny pocket and puts it under Clear's hand.
They walk slowly, following Rachel's path.
CUT TO: INT. WAGGNER HOUSEHOLD - BATHROOM - EVENING
Rachel wears a green shirt that says 'TRADING SPACES' on the back. She looks around the bathroom. No one is there.
RACHEL: Welcome back to 'While Tod was out.' In just a few minutes, Tod will be back from crying in his room. We have chosen to redecorate his bathroom in a 'survival' theme. With some tips from carpenters Andrew Dan Jumbo and Leslie Segretti--
CUT TO: RACHEL'S POV - Leslie Segretti and THE BEAUTIFUL ANDREW DAN JUMBO are in the bathtub pretending to be working on something.
RACHEL(cont'd): We have come up with the perfect design. Now if we can only get it done in time!
Frantic music begins to play. Rachel, sickly fast, puts a pale under the drippy toilet thing, a bath mat next to the tub, and removes the unmentionables from the clothesline. She retracts the line and wonders what to do with the clothes. She gives up and throws the out the window. She leaps out herself, followed by the two carpenters.
Rachel arrives just as the others approach.
TINA: What happened? Wear's Tod?
BREE: Hey, Alex is supposed to say that after he dies. (scoffs, to self) Yeah, like he doesn't know when the coroner and the abmulance are there.
RACHEL: Oh, I have a feeling Tod will walk out of his bathroom very much alive.
BREE: But you hate Tod!
RACHEL: I realized that saving Tod did ME a huge favour!
CUT TO: EXT. STRIP MALL - NIGHT
The girls eat ice cream. Clear is with them as well, munching from a box of soilent green.
TINA: So, Rachel, are you gonna tell us?
RACHEL: Tell you what?
TINA: Why you saved Tod.
RACHEL(winks): You'll know soon enough.
They wait in silence for two seconds and then here some distant commotion.
VOICE 1(Woman's voice): Hey! Get away from my car!
VOICE 2(Young woman's voice): Don't hurt us!
VOICE 3(Dumb sounding gangsta voice): You leave us little recourse.
Suddenly, the BANGS of TWO GUN SHOTS ring through the air. Then, the squealing of tires, followed by utter disturbing silence.
RACHEL: Heh heh heh... no sequel.
Jackie's eyes fill with tears. Her lip quivers. She then drops to the ground.
JACKIE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! KIMBERLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
RACHEL: Hey, Bree, what's the one thing you want this Christmas?
BREE: Big Shiny Tunes 8.
RACHEL: What? That punk fest? Er, was your second with for Billy to live?
BREE: Actually, it was for 'Thirteen' on DVD--
RACHEL: Well how was I supposed to know? I'm giving you a real treat. Hehe. DIE, OFFICER IRRITATING!
Jackie is STILL SOBBING.
JACKIE: You were supposed to cheat death! You were supposed to meat Altessa! You were supposed to meet mee-hee-heeeeee...
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S GARAGE - DAY
Clear furiously throws red paint at a canvas. She reaches her hand into the bucket and pulls out a drippy gobb. She takes a small lick of it, then throws it at the canvas.
ENTER ALEX, who stares at the painting and it not acknowleged by Clear.
ALEX: You feeling angry?
PAN AROUND - The painting is a painting of Rachel, splattered in red paint, or "blood."
Clear pants lowly and heavilly.
ALEX: Fuck, you've got issues.
CLEAR: You shush.
ALEX: I mean, I know they embarassed you, but, they're not locals. They don't know the Mount Aberham way!
Clear says nothing, just adds one more smear of blood to the painting.
ALEX: Only one of them is American, anyway.
CLEAR: And I'm beginning to believe that that one is the weirdest one!
ALEX: What about the one humping the podium?
CLEAR: She makes good pasta. I can't hate her... but the others are wrecking the whole town! The plane, the service, the car... and I'm kind of concerned about how long they're actually going to be here.
JUMP! Bree opens the door really loudly and suddenly and runs into the garage.
BREE: Clear, we're out of penut butter and--
Close - BREE'S POV - ALEX has his mouth wide open and we know he's staring at the...
ALEX: MOOOOOLE!
He begins dashing at Bree. In defense, she picks up a weed whacker.
BREE: Get away from me you fucking prophet!
ALEX: For the last time, I'm not a psychic!
BREE: Okay, we'll do a test. I'm thinking of a word that isn't 'kitty.' What is it?
ALEX: Is it kitty?
Bree DROPS the weed whacker and puts her hands on her ears.
BREE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GET OUT OF ME HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
She runs out of the room.
Alex and Clear exchange a glance.
ALEX: Wanna fuck?
CLEAR: Nah. Later.
ALEX: Wanna shag?
CLEAR: It's the same thing.
ALEX: The nasty?
CLEAR: You're really starting to--
ALEX: Coffee?
CLEAR: Hmmm... that's one I've never heard before.
ALEX: I mean do you wanna go for coffee?
Clear smiles.
CLEAR: That would be nice.
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S HOUSE - DEN
Clear bursts through the door and enters. She swings a sweater over her shoulders and grabs her purse.
JACKIE: No!
Tina gets up and turns off the TV. She walks to the door.
CLEAR: Waaaait a minute, you guys aren't comming.
RACHEL: Why not?
CLEAR: I consider it a date.
She leaves and slams the door.
RACHEL: We have to go! I wanna see Terry die! It's something my forefathers have dreamed of since the pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock.
They look from side to side, not really saying anything.
RACHEL: We'll go by ourselves! I can drive!
CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ABERHAM STREETS. The 5 are... walking.
JACKIE: I hate walkin'.
KYLAH: It's hot.
RACHEL: Oh, that takes a regular Rhodes Scholar to know. Where did you graduate from? University of Duuuuuuhhh?
A city bus pulls up and opens the door.
RACHEL: Hey, whaddaya know? We stopped to compain right in front of the bus stop!
JACKIE: Isn't that special?
They get onto the bus.
They fill up the seats and look across the aisle. Their faces go to shock as they see...
GIRLS' POV - KAT is chatting on her cell phone. She yaks dumbly and then turns it off.
Jackie and Bree whisper excitedly.
KAT: Something you wanna say?
The two BURST into giggles. Jackie hiccups, composes herself, and pulls a banana out of her bag.
JACKIE: Excuse me, excuse me (giggle) How far can you get this banana down your--I can't do it, she's looking right at me.
BAM! Woosh! Blood on the windows! Heh heh heh!!!
TINA: Fudge!
RACHEL: No, sweetheart, that's blood.
TINA: No, I mean it as an exclamation.
CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ABERHAM STREETS - THE BUS
Everyone steps off the bus. Tina walks to the front of the bus and looks down, realizing - of course - that it's Terry they have hit.
TINA: Oh, my God, guys, Terry just died!
Alex, Clear, Billy, and Ms. Lewton are also there. They seem marveled how casual Tina is.
TINA: One of us could be next!
Kylah shrugs. A sudden shaddow overcasts her before the object comes into plane view. It's a piano! Alex YANKS her out of the way just before she can be crushed by the instrument she loves.
Kylah looks at the piano... then at her friends... she pulls a jar of Jet-Puffed marshmallow creme out of her sweater.
KYLAH: This calls for a celebration snack.
ALEX: Where'dya get that?
KYLAH: Wal-Mart.
She gobbles down some and then turns to the piano. She looks at the keys then up to the sky.
KYLAH(re: the sky): WOULD IT KILL YOU TO SEND A STOOL DOWN?
A small stool comes rocketing down and lands perfectly in front of the piano. Kylah parks her keester on the stool and commenses playing and singing her favourite song, 'And All That Jazz' from the musical 'Chicago.'
Bree suddenly begins leading a troupe of tap dancers down the sidewalk. The people on the sidewalk sing as the chorus. Suddenly the streets of Mount Aberham have turned into a musical. Rachel is disgusted and puts her headphones. Jackie's eyes, however, are full of whimsey and wonder.
JACKIE: It's the greatest gift of all.
KYLAH: It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl. And all that-
MOUNT ABERHAM CITIZENS: Jazz!
The only ones not joined in the fun are Rachel and Ms. Lewton, who is sobbing, as always. Even Terry has some dancing spirit in her!
RACHEL: What the fuck is wrong with this town?
RACHEL'S POV - A few extras do some flips. Clear does one and falls. Rachel snickers. Some of the citizens are even playing instruments, including Carter who enthusiatically plays a picolo. Kylah is now on top of the piano strutting her "thang" while Ray Charles accompanies her. Her and the dancers now have fabulous costumes. A crowd of distinguished socialites watch.
KYLAH: No, I'm no one's wife, but, oh I love my life. And all that jazz!
COMPANY: That jazz!
Word to readers, Deven is Kylah's boyfriend. Her real one, not her imaginery one. Also, the end of this chapter reaches UNLIMITED absurdity, but, well, just keep in mind that Kylah takes any opportunity to play piano and sing, and she likes 'Chicago.' I think... well she likes playing that song.
PART 3
The girls make their way to their seats at the service.
RACHEL: These 39 days were a lot more boring than I had imagined.
CLEAR: What the fuck did you expect?
Rachel's face suddenly breaks into a small, but heart-warming smile. We can faintly hear 'Waterloo' by Abba.
RACHEL(Breaking the music): Heheheh. Kum-By-Ah.
TINA: Sit down.
They sit and the boring priest begins to talk.
KYLAH(whispering dumbly): No one is making any sound.
JACKIE(also whispering dumbly): I'm freaking out man.
BREE(whispering dumbly): You know what would totally freak them out?
Beat (What?)
BREE: If we breathed really heavily.
The three "stoners" breathe heavilly.
RACHEL(To Tina): What are they talking about?
TINA: Don't know. I'm not fluent in Freaka.
CLEAR: Quiet you grotty little wankers.
The three sit in silence while the other three get freaky (No, not that way, Rachel, you sick minded bastad) in the background. Bree picks up Clear's purse and smells it.
BREE: Kylah! Kylah! This thing smells like the staircases at school! Take a whiff!
KYLAH: Woah! (she smells inside the bag) ... Shiiiiiiitttttt.
JACKIE: Pass some of that this way. (Takes a whiff) You know, man, I think I figured out why we die.
BREE: Omigod, me too--
JACKIE: No, wait, let me finish. We die, because we accept it, man.
BREE: Mind-blowing. Kylah, what do you think?
Kylah is sitting still, mouth agape. Her eyes, however, are a twirling mount of colours and swirls, shiny with the fine texture of a ribbon. We hear that stupid song, "Insence and Peppermints" by Strawberry Alarm Clock.
Kylah blinks. CUT TO UNKNOWN POV - Back of Kylah's head. She slowly rises from her seat and dashes to the podium. She begins hugging it.
KYLAH: Deven! Deven, honey, I knew you would come back to me! Never leave me again!
She begins kissing the podium and doing some pelvic thrusting.
KYLAH: I've missed you so...
Close in on Clear, who is humiliated. She runs up to the podium and yanks Kylah off. Kylah reaches her hands out to the podium as she is being dragged out of the courtyard.
KYLAH: FIGHT THE POWER, FURIOUS D! THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SONG! (Singing) Time! Where did you go? Why did you leave me here alone? Where in time is Carmen Sandiego? Solve this crime, and solve this mystery. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S CAR - EVENING
CLEAR: You made fools out of yourselves in front of all of Mount Aberham.
BREE: Technically, it was only Chibbi over here. We behaved.
Jackie suddenly peeks up from the floor, holding Clear's purse.
JACKIE: Duuude, do you have anymore purse?
CLEAR: You guys should be very ashamed.
KYLAH: You know what, you're right. I feel like afflicting the punishment on my own body. Let's go to Denny's.
TINA: Wait!
She suddenly knocks Clear out with a brick and takes over the driving. She does a quick turnaround.
RACHEL: What are you doing?
TINA: We let Brendan Fehr die. We are NOT going to let Chad Donnella die!
RACHEL: His name is Tod.
TINA: Whatever. We have to get to his house and save him from his demise!
JACKIE: Better hurry up.
BREE: If we're too late, well, I've always wanted to play Weekend at Bernie's with someone.
The car suddenly sputters and smoke comes out of the hood. A light flashes on the dashboard: SERIOUS PROBLEM.
TINA: Oh, shit. What do we do?
A second light: CONSULT CORONER
Tina GASSES the car as fast as it will go. It makes a funny sound. A third light appears: GAS WON'T HELP YOU
The car skids to a stop.
TINA: NOOOOOOO!
She sighs heavilly and bangs her head on the steering wheel. A third light: YOU KIDS ARE THE DUMBEST I'VE SEEN SINCE 'SCREAM.'
Rachel GRABS Tina by the collar.
RACHEL: Pull yourself together man! Do we really need to save that skinny little plank? What will it--
Beat - An idea!
Rachel hops out of the car, pumping her legs as fast as they'll go.
RACHEL: HOLD TIGHT, TODDIE! I'M A-COMMIN' BOYO!!!!!
Back in the car, the others look at each other and reluctantly get out of the car.
JACKIE: What about Clear?
Tina shrugs and pulls a rediculously large bottle of Scotch out of her tiny pocket and puts it under Clear's hand.
They walk slowly, following Rachel's path.
CUT TO: INT. WAGGNER HOUSEHOLD - BATHROOM - EVENING
Rachel wears a green shirt that says 'TRADING SPACES' on the back. She looks around the bathroom. No one is there.
RACHEL: Welcome back to 'While Tod was out.' In just a few minutes, Tod will be back from crying in his room. We have chosen to redecorate his bathroom in a 'survival' theme. With some tips from carpenters Andrew Dan Jumbo and Leslie Segretti--
CUT TO: RACHEL'S POV - Leslie Segretti and THE BEAUTIFUL ANDREW DAN JUMBO are in the bathtub pretending to be working on something.
RACHEL(cont'd): We have come up with the perfect design. Now if we can only get it done in time!
Frantic music begins to play. Rachel, sickly fast, puts a pale under the drippy toilet thing, a bath mat next to the tub, and removes the unmentionables from the clothesline. She retracts the line and wonders what to do with the clothes. She gives up and throws the out the window. She leaps out herself, followed by the two carpenters.
Rachel arrives just as the others approach.
TINA: What happened? Wear's Tod?
BREE: Hey, Alex is supposed to say that after he dies. (scoffs, to self) Yeah, like he doesn't know when the coroner and the abmulance are there.
RACHEL: Oh, I have a feeling Tod will walk out of his bathroom very much alive.
BREE: But you hate Tod!
RACHEL: I realized that saving Tod did ME a huge favour!
CUT TO: EXT. STRIP MALL - NIGHT
The girls eat ice cream. Clear is with them as well, munching from a box of soilent green.
TINA: So, Rachel, are you gonna tell us?
RACHEL: Tell you what?
TINA: Why you saved Tod.
RACHEL(winks): You'll know soon enough.
They wait in silence for two seconds and then here some distant commotion.
VOICE 1(Woman's voice): Hey! Get away from my car!
VOICE 2(Young woman's voice): Don't hurt us!
VOICE 3(Dumb sounding gangsta voice): You leave us little recourse.
Suddenly, the BANGS of TWO GUN SHOTS ring through the air. Then, the squealing of tires, followed by utter disturbing silence.
RACHEL: Heh heh heh... no sequel.
Jackie's eyes fill with tears. Her lip quivers. She then drops to the ground.
JACKIE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! KIMBERLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
RACHEL: Hey, Bree, what's the one thing you want this Christmas?
BREE: Big Shiny Tunes 8.
RACHEL: What? That punk fest? Er, was your second with for Billy to live?
BREE: Actually, it was for 'Thirteen' on DVD--
RACHEL: Well how was I supposed to know? I'm giving you a real treat. Hehe. DIE, OFFICER IRRITATING!
Jackie is STILL SOBBING.
JACKIE: You were supposed to cheat death! You were supposed to meat Altessa! You were supposed to meet mee-hee-heeeeee...
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S GARAGE - DAY
Clear furiously throws red paint at a canvas. She reaches her hand into the bucket and pulls out a drippy gobb. She takes a small lick of it, then throws it at the canvas.
ENTER ALEX, who stares at the painting and it not acknowleged by Clear.
ALEX: You feeling angry?
PAN AROUND - The painting is a painting of Rachel, splattered in red paint, or "blood."
Clear pants lowly and heavilly.
ALEX: Fuck, you've got issues.
CLEAR: You shush.
ALEX: I mean, I know they embarassed you, but, they're not locals. They don't know the Mount Aberham way!
Clear says nothing, just adds one more smear of blood to the painting.
ALEX: Only one of them is American, anyway.
CLEAR: And I'm beginning to believe that that one is the weirdest one!
ALEX: What about the one humping the podium?
CLEAR: She makes good pasta. I can't hate her... but the others are wrecking the whole town! The plane, the service, the car... and I'm kind of concerned about how long they're actually going to be here.
JUMP! Bree opens the door really loudly and suddenly and runs into the garage.
BREE: Clear, we're out of penut butter and--
Close - BREE'S POV - ALEX has his mouth wide open and we know he's staring at the...
ALEX: MOOOOOLE!
He begins dashing at Bree. In defense, she picks up a weed whacker.
BREE: Get away from me you fucking prophet!
ALEX: For the last time, I'm not a psychic!
BREE: Okay, we'll do a test. I'm thinking of a word that isn't 'kitty.' What is it?
ALEX: Is it kitty?
Bree DROPS the weed whacker and puts her hands on her ears.
BREE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GET OUT OF ME HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
She runs out of the room.
Alex and Clear exchange a glance.
ALEX: Wanna fuck?
CLEAR: Nah. Later.
ALEX: Wanna shag?
CLEAR: It's the same thing.
ALEX: The nasty?
CLEAR: You're really starting to--
ALEX: Coffee?
CLEAR: Hmmm... that's one I've never heard before.
ALEX: I mean do you wanna go for coffee?
Clear smiles.
CLEAR: That would be nice.
CUT TO: INT. CLEAR'S HOUSE - DEN
Clear bursts through the door and enters. She swings a sweater over her shoulders and grabs her purse.
JACKIE: No!
Tina gets up and turns off the TV. She walks to the door.
CLEAR: Waaaait a minute, you guys aren't comming.
RACHEL: Why not?
CLEAR: I consider it a date.
She leaves and slams the door.
RACHEL: We have to go! I wanna see Terry die! It's something my forefathers have dreamed of since the pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock.
They look from side to side, not really saying anything.
RACHEL: We'll go by ourselves! I can drive!
CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ABERHAM STREETS. The 5 are... walking.
JACKIE: I hate walkin'.
KYLAH: It's hot.
RACHEL: Oh, that takes a regular Rhodes Scholar to know. Where did you graduate from? University of Duuuuuuhhh?
A city bus pulls up and opens the door.
RACHEL: Hey, whaddaya know? We stopped to compain right in front of the bus stop!
JACKIE: Isn't that special?
They get onto the bus.
They fill up the seats and look across the aisle. Their faces go to shock as they see...
GIRLS' POV - KAT is chatting on her cell phone. She yaks dumbly and then turns it off.
Jackie and Bree whisper excitedly.
KAT: Something you wanna say?
The two BURST into giggles. Jackie hiccups, composes herself, and pulls a banana out of her bag.
JACKIE: Excuse me, excuse me (giggle) How far can you get this banana down your--I can't do it, she's looking right at me.
BAM! Woosh! Blood on the windows! Heh heh heh!!!
TINA: Fudge!
RACHEL: No, sweetheart, that's blood.
TINA: No, I mean it as an exclamation.
CUT TO: EXT. MOUNT ABERHAM STREETS - THE BUS
Everyone steps off the bus. Tina walks to the front of the bus and looks down, realizing - of course - that it's Terry they have hit.
TINA: Oh, my God, guys, Terry just died!
Alex, Clear, Billy, and Ms. Lewton are also there. They seem marveled how casual Tina is.
TINA: One of us could be next!
Kylah shrugs. A sudden shaddow overcasts her before the object comes into plane view. It's a piano! Alex YANKS her out of the way just before she can be crushed by the instrument she loves.
Kylah looks at the piano... then at her friends... she pulls a jar of Jet-Puffed marshmallow creme out of her sweater.
KYLAH: This calls for a celebration snack.
ALEX: Where'dya get that?
KYLAH: Wal-Mart.
She gobbles down some and then turns to the piano. She looks at the keys then up to the sky.
KYLAH(re: the sky): WOULD IT KILL YOU TO SEND A STOOL DOWN?
A small stool comes rocketing down and lands perfectly in front of the piano. Kylah parks her keester on the stool and commenses playing and singing her favourite song, 'And All That Jazz' from the musical 'Chicago.'
Bree suddenly begins leading a troupe of tap dancers down the sidewalk. The people on the sidewalk sing as the chorus. Suddenly the streets of Mount Aberham have turned into a musical. Rachel is disgusted and puts her headphones. Jackie's eyes, however, are full of whimsey and wonder.
JACKIE: It's the greatest gift of all.
KYLAH: It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl. And all that-
MOUNT ABERHAM CITIZENS: Jazz!
The only ones not joined in the fun are Rachel and Ms. Lewton, who is sobbing, as always. Even Terry has some dancing spirit in her!
RACHEL: What the fuck is wrong with this town?
RACHEL'S POV - A few extras do some flips. Clear does one and falls. Rachel snickers. Some of the citizens are even playing instruments, including Carter who enthusiatically plays a picolo. Kylah is now on top of the piano strutting her "thang" while Ray Charles accompanies her. Her and the dancers now have fabulous costumes. A crowd of distinguished socialites watch.
KYLAH: No, I'm no one's wife, but, oh I love my life. And all that jazz!
COMPANY: That jazz!