INT. CABIN - MORNING
Jackie stirs under the covers and we can hear a heavy breathing. She turnd her head toward the sound and slowly opens her eyes, shocked to find RACHEL beside her, eyes open wide and shaking slightly.
RACHEL(sickly fast): Youknow whatI just figuredout? WhenwekilledCarter last night wejustkilled Rory! Yeah!Andhe'll never be savedcause hedies in Paris! Don'twesuck?
Jackie peers around. Everyone else is still asleep.
JACKIE: How long have you been up?
RACHEL: Fourhours. Igotbored so I ate someofClear's tenyearoldcoffee.
JACKIE: Ten-year-old coffee?
RACHEL: Uh-huh. NowI'mafraid if I stoptalking I'll die. Isn'tBillygreat? I thought he'dbealllike 'lookatme I rideabike I'm so cool!' But he's nodifferent than you or me or Jesusoverthere!
She points to the corner of the room. INSERT - JACKIE'S POV - CORNER OF ROOM, where nothing but a garbage can rests.
JACKIE: Let's get you some sleeping pills. They taste like strawberry!
RACHEL(jumping idiotically): Oh boy oh boy oh boy!
CUT TO: INT. CABIN - KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Everyone eats cereal. Rachel's face is sunk down as if passed out.
TINA: When is Alex gonna come back? I miss him!
CLEAR: He phoned last night saying GET A GRIP TINA!
Tina looks hurt.
TINA: You don't have to be so mean!
Alex then comes into the kitchen casually wearing a red sombraro.
ALEX: 'Morning. What's for breakfast?
CLEAR: Alex!
She jumps up from the table and gives him a hug. Rachel, with an ounce of strength, blindly picks up a fork and jabs Clear in the ass with it.
Clear ignored the random act of violence.
CLEAR: How did you get back?
ALEX(sexily mysterious): I never really left.
CLEAR: So where did you get the sombraro?
ALEX: Wal-Mart.
TOD: No way! Zellers could kick Wal-Mart's ass!
BREE: You're both wrong! Costco has everything you need plus it's lined from top to bottom with free samples!
CLEAR: Let's get back on the topic of death, please?
TINA: What's the point? It's gonna get you guys and the five of us are gonna go back home happily and unhurt.
Bree nods in agreement. Suddenly an AXE flies at her head. Tina yanks her away before it can chop her head in two.
INSERT - BREE'S POV - BILLY stands by the stove as if he just threw the axe.
BILLY: Woopsie.
CLEAR: That mortician... he was the one that gave us the initial idea that death was comming for us.
ALEX: Maybe if we go to see him again...
RACHEL: I see what you're saying!
CLEAR: Yeah!
RACHEL: We have to kill him!
CLAER: Yeah--what?
RACHEL: When you think about it, he's probably given a lot of terrified teenagers ideas on how to cheat death. I mean, he could have started one of the biggest rifts in death's design... like, ever.
Beat - no one seems to believe her at first.
TOD: I'm in.
BILLY: Killing is fun!
CLEAR: Whatever.
ALEX: Yeah! Let's get out there and kill! Kill! Kill!
EVERYONE: Kill! Kill! Kill!
They run into the back room of the cabin. Tod remains at the table.
TOD: Kill! Kill! Ki--woops.
CUT TO: INT. CABIN - BEDROOM - MORNING
Clear picks the lock of an old trunk.
Inside, it is filled with many guns and other weapons.
CLEAR: Let's do this thing.
MONTAGE: Preparation of the weapons.
BG MUSIC - "The Art of Losing" by American Hi-Fi
-Clear hands out the guns.
-Tina assemples a machine gun.
-Billy, Bree, Tod, and Jackie line up outside and practice targets.
-Alex looks over a selection of large knives.
-Clear packs some small guns in her backpack.
-Alex selects the largest knife. He then cuts a sandwhich in half with it.
-Billy lights a fuse and smugly watches it burn. It leads to Carter's headless corpse, which blows to smitherines.
-Jackie, in full military gear, crawls in tall grass. She then takes out a grenade and tosses it at something.
-Rachel, Tina, and Alex shoot a dead bunny on the ground mobster-style and then put him in a trunk, looking shifty.
-The gang lines up next to a manhole with their weapons on them. Clear removes the cap and they lower into the sewer.
END MONTAGE
INT. SEWER - NIGHT
The nine survivors walk around the sewer holding flaslights.
BREE: Woah! I found a buffalo nickel!
RACHEL(to Tina): This place smells like... (she takes a sniff) Okay, I've been through stables before, but I've never smelled anything this bad.
TINA: It smells like drugs and dead bodies.
FX - slosh of water as Jackie wanders up to them.
JACKIE: Let's not forget shit.
Tina aims her flashlight up to a hatch. A giant, not-to-subtle sign is placed next to it that says "MORGUE."
TINA: Guys, do you think this is it?
Rachel looks up at the hatch.
RACHEL: There's only one way to find out!
TOD(o.s.): Hey, Alex? Remember your goldfish from sixth grade we flushed down the toilet?
CUT TO: ALEX'S POV - TOD is being held with a gun to his head by a giant, evil, cartoonish goldfish.
TOD: I don't think he was dead.
CUT TO: INT. MORGUE - NIGHT
Rachel, wet, and presumably smelly, comes out of the cellar door, her breath held and a greenish tint to her cheeks. She releases her breath and takes a few big gulps of air.
JACKIE: Hurry up, Rachel! It smells in here!
Rachel pulls herself out and coughs a few times. She's followed by Jackie, then Kylah, then soon everyone else. Billy's shirt is so messy he takes it off. Tina and Bree are caught in a trance by his lovely abs.
ALEX: Hey! I thought you were the 'Fat Kid!'
BILLY: No, I'm the class clown.
ALEX: Then who was the fat kid?
RACHEL: Clear!
ALEX: You sit on a throne of lies!!!
BLUDWORTH(o.s.): What have I told you about waking the dead?
The guys SCREAM at the suddenness of his voice. Clear jumps so that she falls back down the hole. We hear a splash.
RACHEL: Woops.
She kicks the cellar door down and moves a wheel table over it.
CLEAR(o.s.): You bastards! You're forgetting - I have the guns!
KYLAH: Dammit!
She opens the cellar door.
Clear emerges with her backpack full of guns. Everyone takes their own.
RACHEL: The madness ends here.
BREE: Meet thy god.
BLUDWORTH: Oh, Bree... I know you don't want to kill me...
BREE: But I do! You piss me off!
BLUDWORTH: Well I know someone who doesn't want you to kill me.
He motions the door, where MICHELLE BRANCH steps out. Her eyes are swirly, like she's been hypnotized.
MICHELLE(monotone): You don't wanna kill Mr. Bludworth. He's a NICE man.
BREE: Oh, c'mon, you kidnapped and hypnotyzed Michelle Branch just so I wouldn't kill you when it's clear that everyone else is still poised to kill you?
BLUDWORTH: That is the general idea.
Bree stares at them for a second, then suddenly snaps and squeals nervously.
BREE: Michelle, can you teach me the opening tab to 'Breathe?' Please please please?
BILLY(o.s): THIS ENDS HERE!
FX - GUN SHOT! And ANOTHER! And ANOTHER!
CUT TO: BILLY'S POV - BLUDWORTH has three bullet holes in his chest, and stumbles backwards to the ground. He falls, dead.
MICHELLE: You idiots! You killed Candyman!
BILLY: No, uh, Sammy Davis, Jr. is already dead.
Everyone scoffs.
CLEAR: So, uh... I guess this is it... it's over!
KYLAH: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
CLEAR(re: Billy and Tod): Uh, do you mind?
ALEX: They kinda have to focus on the male and female leads at this point.
TOD: Hey, it's fine.
BILLY: We had a good run.
TOD: Yeah. We only stopped death and all.
RACHEL: It's good that you understand.
Billy and Tod walk off sadly occasionally staring back at the group pitifully.
Alex stares at Rachel, Tina, Jackie, Bree, and Kylah.
ALEX: I kinda meant you guys, too.
TINA: Uh... okay.
They leave the room and shut the door. INSERT - ALEX'S POV - THE DOOR is shut, but we can CLEARLY see our hero's eyes staring through the window. Alex pulls Clear closer and they kiss as 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous' plays.
ALEX: Let's get these crazy mofos home.
CUT TO: INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT
The survivors and the authors are together for one last time by a waiting room. Jackie clutches her backpack tightly.
JACKIE: Well, I gotta ship out now. (She hugs several people) Oh, Alex, I got you a little gift. You know, 'cause of Ms. Lewton...
Alex accepts a wrapped gift and tears away the paper. It's a video. He looks at the title.
ALEX: 'Girls Gone Wild!' Aw, Jackie, how did you know I wanted this?
JACKIE(nervous): I had a little inkling.
RACHEL: 'Bye Jackie! My little hippy friend.
WHAM! Out of nowhere Jackie PUNCHES Rachel in the face! Rachel falls to the ground.
TINA: Bitch went down!
Rachel, with a smile, whipes some blood off her lip.
RACHEL: Hippies kick ass!
Jackie grins at this and walks through the tunnel.
RACHEL: Yeah, I'd better get to my gate.
KYLAH: Later.
BREE: I'll never forget you!
TINA: I'll only forget you if I get hideously hammered and get bashed on the head with the leg from a piano bench!
They depart. Kylah and Bree walk away together.
CUT TO: INT. PLANE - NIGHT
Kylah and Bree walk on with smiles on their faces.
RACHEL(o.s.): Waaaaaaaait!
Rachel comes DASHING onto the aircraft, waving her arms madly.
BREE: Aw, Rachel, of course it's natural that you don't wanna leave us...
RACHEL: No, that's not it! My flight is delayed an hour and the Larter promised to 'keep me company!'
An airport security guard marches into the plane and grabs Rachel by the shoulder.
GUARD: You've been warned.
RACHEL: Don't send me back there! Please!
GUARD: Don't make me get the tazer.
He drives her off and we can hear a distant 'Noooooo!'
CUT TO: Same scene. Just about everyone on the plane has been sleeping. It is early morning. Kylah awakes and yawns. She stares out the window. A shocked look registers on her face and she whacks Bree with her purse.
KYLAH: Bree! Wake up!
Bree's eyes flutter open.
KYLAH: Are we a little close to the ground to you?
Bree stares out the window.
INT. THE GIRLS' POV - THE RUNWAY is within plane view... and a sudden JOLT indicates that the plane has made contact with the ground.
BREE: This is a little too early to be arriving in Northern Ontario, isn't it?
Kylah looks out the window. The plane has now stopped completely. Unfamiliar airport, odd surroundings... this is NOT Timmins.
PILOT(v.o.): Ladies and gentlemen, due to a gas shortage, we're just making a quick unsheduled stop in Great Falls, Michigan.
Bree and Kylah grin mischeviously. 'American Pie' by Don Maclean begins to play, and the girls calmly exit the aircraft.
KYLAH(v.o.): We won't bore you with the details, but we were eventually escorted home by the Michigan State Police before we even got the chance to meet any characters from 'American Pie.'
INT. TIMMINS HIGH - DAY
Bree and Kylah sit on a bench with Deven and Kelsey (wait a minute, Kelsey doesn't go to our school...) listening intently as they tell their story.
KYLAH: But all that matters is that Bree got to meet Seann William Scott in her own little way.
BREE: And that Kylah learned to culture herself... in her own little way.
KELSEY: Sounds like bull to me.
DEVEN: You just spend all of second period making that up, didn't you?
BREE: All that matters is that I've made the readers happy. You know, I think this really puts me up there with the greats.
CUT TO: INT. UNKNOWN PLACE, UNKNOWN TIME
But one thing we DO know, KATEY-KINZ, slightly older now, sits at her computer, with CURTIS ALMIGHTY on the screen.
KATEY-KINZ: What a piece of shit!
'Everywhere' - not the version by Michelle, but the punk cover by Yellowcard - plays as we pan out of the room.
ROLL CREDITS (as Everywhere continues)
CAST
Devon Sawa....................Alex Blah-ing
Rachel Caris Thompson.........Herself
Ali Larter....................Clear Beavers
Kerr Smith....................Carter McJackass
Bree Mantha...................Herself
Tina Whoever..................Herself
Jackie Whoever................Herself
Kylah Eide....................Herself
Seann William Scott...........Billy Hitchcockless
Tony Todd.....................William Bludworth
Kristen Cloke.................Ms. Valerie Lewton
Chad E. Donnella..............Tod Wanker
Daniel Roebuck................Agent Weiner
Roger Guvener Smith...........Agent Shrek the Oger
Amanda Detmer.................Terry Chaney
Keegan Connor Tracy...........Kat
Lisa Marie Caruk..............Christa Marsh
Christine Chatelain...........Blake Dreyer
Brendan Fehr..................George Wanker
A.J. Cook.....................Chimberly (voice)
Michael Landes................Officer Irritating
Kathy Najimay.................Ms. Lewton's Fat Friend
Michelle Branch...............Herself
Kelsey Eide...................Herself/The Potted Tree
Deven Kivioja.................Himself/The Podium
Daveigh Chase.................Samara
Northern Lights Dance Team....Chicago Dancers
Andrew Dan Jumbo..............Himself
Leslie Segretti...............Herself
DEDICATED TO SHAMU, BECAUSE SHAMU IS TALL.
Fade out music
CUT THROUGH HALF SCREEN while credits still roll.
Alex sits in a desk chair. He wheels his chair over to the VCR, snickers mischeviously, and removes the tape of 'Girls Gone Wild.' He pops it in the VCR.
We hear a strange humming noise. PAN AROUND.
It's the video from 'The Ring.'
ALEX: What the fuck?
BACK TO CREDITS
(FX)Phone Rings
This time, 'Makes No Difference' by Sum41 plays.
SOUNDTRACK LISTING
"The Hard Way"
Main Titles
Performed by BOWLING FOR SOUP
~
"Find Your Way Back"
Bree's discman music
Performed by MICHELLE BRANCH
~
"Rabbit Run"
Rachel's discman music
Performed by EMINEM
~
"The Look of Love"
Scene: 'The Midnight Snack.'
Performed by DIANA KRALL
~
"The Odd Couple" Theme
Rachel/Clear montage
Performed by NO ONE IN PARTICULAR
~
"Waterloo"
Rachel's brief 'missing days' thoughts
Performed by ABBA
~
"Hundred Grand"
Memorial song
Performed by PETE ATHERTON
~
"Insence and Peppermints"
Scene: 'Magic Purse'
Performed by STRAWBERRY ALARM CLOCK
~
"Time"
Kylah and Deven's song
Performed by CHANTEL KREVIAZUK
~
"Bad Reputation"
Scene: 'Clear's Angry Painting'
Performed by JOAN JETT
~
"And All That Jazz"
Scene: 'Jackie Gets Her Musical'
Performed by KYLAH EIDE
~
"Let's Get It On"
Scene: 'Stoned Morgue'
Performed by MARVIN GAYE
~
"La Grange"
Scene: 'The Rules'
Performed by ZZTOP
~
"All The Candles In The World"
Car song
Performed by JANE SIBBERY
~
"Cannonball"
The tree song
Performed by THE BREEDERS
~
"Juicy Fruit"
Scene: 'The Cabin'
Performed by KYLAH EIDE
~
"The Art Of Losing"
Gun montage
Performed by AMERICAN HI-FI
~
"Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"
Scene: 'Get These Mofos Home'
Performed by GOOD CHARLOTTE
~
"American Pie"
Outro
Performed by DON MACLEAN
~
"Everywhere"
Credits #1
Performed by YELLOWCARD
~
"Makes No Difference"
Credits #2
Performed by SUM41
~~~
The author grately acknowleges the hardworking employees of the Wal-Mart corporation, especially my dear brother, Andrew.
Your suffering fueled most of the humor in the story.
SPECIAL THANKS TO
277
HAWK
SPARKY
SPECIAL K
KELSEY AND DEVEN
DAILYSCRIPTS.COM for the FD script
SPECIAL FEATURE
Since Hawk did her 100 reasons why she hates Clear, I decided to do 25 reasons why I love Billy(it would have been more had he gotten more airtime).
1. When he smiles you can see all of his teeth.
2. His teeth are all all straight.
3. Despite his baggy clothing, he's really built.
4. I like his Hitchcock jersey.
5. He has TWO hats, one white, one dark blue. Now THAT'S preparing.
6. His bike rocks!
7. He says 'Dude' when he doesn't know what to say. I say dude!
8. He's a gentleman for 'not feeling up Tammy in the pool that time.'
9. He likes the Jets. Cool!
10. HE opened the door of the car, which got Alex and Clear out of the train's path of destruction. So he's a hero!
11. His death, despite being unfair, revealled the biggest step in Alex's plan.
12. He believed Alex.
13. He didn't treat Alex like a freak.
14. He loves his mommy.
15. I like the underdogs.
16. At the end, it was unfair that no one toasted him. I felt uber sorry for him.
17. He lipsincs along to Nine Inch Nails. Power to him!
18. After Final Destination Seann William Scott was seen in 'Dude, Where's My Car,' 'Road Trip,' 'Evolution,' 'American Pie 2,' 'Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,' 'Stark Raving Mad,' 'Old School,' 'Bulletproof Monk,' 'American Wedding,' and 'The Rundown.' Kerr Smith has only been seen in 3 movies and Dawson is now off the air.
19. He had the most facial hair of all the survivors (with the exception of Clear)
20. He was voted 'Favourite Character' on a fan site.
21. He was voted 'Funniest Character' on a fan site.
22. On Toby Holt's shrine the majority of poll takers thought he should have lived.
23. He isn't afraid to stand up to Carter.
24. He tried to take the wheel from Carter and save everyone when Carter was driving like a maniac.
25. Everyone loves the quote "CARTER YOU DICK!"
Jackie stirs under the covers and we can hear a heavy breathing. She turnd her head toward the sound and slowly opens her eyes, shocked to find RACHEL beside her, eyes open wide and shaking slightly.
RACHEL(sickly fast): Youknow whatI just figuredout? WhenwekilledCarter last night wejustkilled Rory! Yeah!Andhe'll never be savedcause hedies in Paris! Don'twesuck?
Jackie peers around. Everyone else is still asleep.
JACKIE: How long have you been up?
RACHEL: Fourhours. Igotbored so I ate someofClear's tenyearoldcoffee.
JACKIE: Ten-year-old coffee?
RACHEL: Uh-huh. NowI'mafraid if I stoptalking I'll die. Isn'tBillygreat? I thought he'dbealllike 'lookatme I rideabike I'm so cool!' But he's nodifferent than you or me or Jesusoverthere!
She points to the corner of the room. INSERT - JACKIE'S POV - CORNER OF ROOM, where nothing but a garbage can rests.
JACKIE: Let's get you some sleeping pills. They taste like strawberry!
RACHEL(jumping idiotically): Oh boy oh boy oh boy!
CUT TO: INT. CABIN - KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Everyone eats cereal. Rachel's face is sunk down as if passed out.
TINA: When is Alex gonna come back? I miss him!
CLEAR: He phoned last night saying GET A GRIP TINA!
Tina looks hurt.
TINA: You don't have to be so mean!
Alex then comes into the kitchen casually wearing a red sombraro.
ALEX: 'Morning. What's for breakfast?
CLEAR: Alex!
She jumps up from the table and gives him a hug. Rachel, with an ounce of strength, blindly picks up a fork and jabs Clear in the ass with it.
Clear ignored the random act of violence.
CLEAR: How did you get back?
ALEX(sexily mysterious): I never really left.
CLEAR: So where did you get the sombraro?
ALEX: Wal-Mart.
TOD: No way! Zellers could kick Wal-Mart's ass!
BREE: You're both wrong! Costco has everything you need plus it's lined from top to bottom with free samples!
CLEAR: Let's get back on the topic of death, please?
TINA: What's the point? It's gonna get you guys and the five of us are gonna go back home happily and unhurt.
Bree nods in agreement. Suddenly an AXE flies at her head. Tina yanks her away before it can chop her head in two.
INSERT - BREE'S POV - BILLY stands by the stove as if he just threw the axe.
BILLY: Woopsie.
CLEAR: That mortician... he was the one that gave us the initial idea that death was comming for us.
ALEX: Maybe if we go to see him again...
RACHEL: I see what you're saying!
CLEAR: Yeah!
RACHEL: We have to kill him!
CLAER: Yeah--what?
RACHEL: When you think about it, he's probably given a lot of terrified teenagers ideas on how to cheat death. I mean, he could have started one of the biggest rifts in death's design... like, ever.
Beat - no one seems to believe her at first.
TOD: I'm in.
BILLY: Killing is fun!
CLEAR: Whatever.
ALEX: Yeah! Let's get out there and kill! Kill! Kill!
EVERYONE: Kill! Kill! Kill!
They run into the back room of the cabin. Tod remains at the table.
TOD: Kill! Kill! Ki--woops.
CUT TO: INT. CABIN - BEDROOM - MORNING
Clear picks the lock of an old trunk.
Inside, it is filled with many guns and other weapons.
CLEAR: Let's do this thing.
MONTAGE: Preparation of the weapons.
BG MUSIC - "The Art of Losing" by American Hi-Fi
-Clear hands out the guns.
-Tina assemples a machine gun.
-Billy, Bree, Tod, and Jackie line up outside and practice targets.
-Alex looks over a selection of large knives.
-Clear packs some small guns in her backpack.
-Alex selects the largest knife. He then cuts a sandwhich in half with it.
-Billy lights a fuse and smugly watches it burn. It leads to Carter's headless corpse, which blows to smitherines.
-Jackie, in full military gear, crawls in tall grass. She then takes out a grenade and tosses it at something.
-Rachel, Tina, and Alex shoot a dead bunny on the ground mobster-style and then put him in a trunk, looking shifty.
-The gang lines up next to a manhole with their weapons on them. Clear removes the cap and they lower into the sewer.
END MONTAGE
INT. SEWER - NIGHT
The nine survivors walk around the sewer holding flaslights.
BREE: Woah! I found a buffalo nickel!
RACHEL(to Tina): This place smells like... (she takes a sniff) Okay, I've been through stables before, but I've never smelled anything this bad.
TINA: It smells like drugs and dead bodies.
FX - slosh of water as Jackie wanders up to them.
JACKIE: Let's not forget shit.
Tina aims her flashlight up to a hatch. A giant, not-to-subtle sign is placed next to it that says "MORGUE."
TINA: Guys, do you think this is it?
Rachel looks up at the hatch.
RACHEL: There's only one way to find out!
TOD(o.s.): Hey, Alex? Remember your goldfish from sixth grade we flushed down the toilet?
CUT TO: ALEX'S POV - TOD is being held with a gun to his head by a giant, evil, cartoonish goldfish.
TOD: I don't think he was dead.
CUT TO: INT. MORGUE - NIGHT
Rachel, wet, and presumably smelly, comes out of the cellar door, her breath held and a greenish tint to her cheeks. She releases her breath and takes a few big gulps of air.
JACKIE: Hurry up, Rachel! It smells in here!
Rachel pulls herself out and coughs a few times. She's followed by Jackie, then Kylah, then soon everyone else. Billy's shirt is so messy he takes it off. Tina and Bree are caught in a trance by his lovely abs.
ALEX: Hey! I thought you were the 'Fat Kid!'
BILLY: No, I'm the class clown.
ALEX: Then who was the fat kid?
RACHEL: Clear!
ALEX: You sit on a throne of lies!!!
BLUDWORTH(o.s.): What have I told you about waking the dead?
The guys SCREAM at the suddenness of his voice. Clear jumps so that she falls back down the hole. We hear a splash.
RACHEL: Woops.
She kicks the cellar door down and moves a wheel table over it.
CLEAR(o.s.): You bastards! You're forgetting - I have the guns!
KYLAH: Dammit!
She opens the cellar door.
Clear emerges with her backpack full of guns. Everyone takes their own.
RACHEL: The madness ends here.
BREE: Meet thy god.
BLUDWORTH: Oh, Bree... I know you don't want to kill me...
BREE: But I do! You piss me off!
BLUDWORTH: Well I know someone who doesn't want you to kill me.
He motions the door, where MICHELLE BRANCH steps out. Her eyes are swirly, like she's been hypnotized.
MICHELLE(monotone): You don't wanna kill Mr. Bludworth. He's a NICE man.
BREE: Oh, c'mon, you kidnapped and hypnotyzed Michelle Branch just so I wouldn't kill you when it's clear that everyone else is still poised to kill you?
BLUDWORTH: That is the general idea.
Bree stares at them for a second, then suddenly snaps and squeals nervously.
BREE: Michelle, can you teach me the opening tab to 'Breathe?' Please please please?
BILLY(o.s): THIS ENDS HERE!
FX - GUN SHOT! And ANOTHER! And ANOTHER!
CUT TO: BILLY'S POV - BLUDWORTH has three bullet holes in his chest, and stumbles backwards to the ground. He falls, dead.
MICHELLE: You idiots! You killed Candyman!
BILLY: No, uh, Sammy Davis, Jr. is already dead.
Everyone scoffs.
CLEAR: So, uh... I guess this is it... it's over!
KYLAH: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
CLEAR(re: Billy and Tod): Uh, do you mind?
ALEX: They kinda have to focus on the male and female leads at this point.
TOD: Hey, it's fine.
BILLY: We had a good run.
TOD: Yeah. We only stopped death and all.
RACHEL: It's good that you understand.
Billy and Tod walk off sadly occasionally staring back at the group pitifully.
Alex stares at Rachel, Tina, Jackie, Bree, and Kylah.
ALEX: I kinda meant you guys, too.
TINA: Uh... okay.
They leave the room and shut the door. INSERT - ALEX'S POV - THE DOOR is shut, but we can CLEARLY see our hero's eyes staring through the window. Alex pulls Clear closer and they kiss as 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous' plays.
ALEX: Let's get these crazy mofos home.
CUT TO: INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT
The survivors and the authors are together for one last time by a waiting room. Jackie clutches her backpack tightly.
JACKIE: Well, I gotta ship out now. (She hugs several people) Oh, Alex, I got you a little gift. You know, 'cause of Ms. Lewton...
Alex accepts a wrapped gift and tears away the paper. It's a video. He looks at the title.
ALEX: 'Girls Gone Wild!' Aw, Jackie, how did you know I wanted this?
JACKIE(nervous): I had a little inkling.
RACHEL: 'Bye Jackie! My little hippy friend.
WHAM! Out of nowhere Jackie PUNCHES Rachel in the face! Rachel falls to the ground.
TINA: Bitch went down!
Rachel, with a smile, whipes some blood off her lip.
RACHEL: Hippies kick ass!
Jackie grins at this and walks through the tunnel.
RACHEL: Yeah, I'd better get to my gate.
KYLAH: Later.
BREE: I'll never forget you!
TINA: I'll only forget you if I get hideously hammered and get bashed on the head with the leg from a piano bench!
They depart. Kylah and Bree walk away together.
CUT TO: INT. PLANE - NIGHT
Kylah and Bree walk on with smiles on their faces.
RACHEL(o.s.): Waaaaaaaait!
Rachel comes DASHING onto the aircraft, waving her arms madly.
BREE: Aw, Rachel, of course it's natural that you don't wanna leave us...
RACHEL: No, that's not it! My flight is delayed an hour and the Larter promised to 'keep me company!'
An airport security guard marches into the plane and grabs Rachel by the shoulder.
GUARD: You've been warned.
RACHEL: Don't send me back there! Please!
GUARD: Don't make me get the tazer.
He drives her off and we can hear a distant 'Noooooo!'
CUT TO: Same scene. Just about everyone on the plane has been sleeping. It is early morning. Kylah awakes and yawns. She stares out the window. A shocked look registers on her face and she whacks Bree with her purse.
KYLAH: Bree! Wake up!
Bree's eyes flutter open.
KYLAH: Are we a little close to the ground to you?
Bree stares out the window.
INT. THE GIRLS' POV - THE RUNWAY is within plane view... and a sudden JOLT indicates that the plane has made contact with the ground.
BREE: This is a little too early to be arriving in Northern Ontario, isn't it?
Kylah looks out the window. The plane has now stopped completely. Unfamiliar airport, odd surroundings... this is NOT Timmins.
PILOT(v.o.): Ladies and gentlemen, due to a gas shortage, we're just making a quick unsheduled stop in Great Falls, Michigan.
Bree and Kylah grin mischeviously. 'American Pie' by Don Maclean begins to play, and the girls calmly exit the aircraft.
KYLAH(v.o.): We won't bore you with the details, but we were eventually escorted home by the Michigan State Police before we even got the chance to meet any characters from 'American Pie.'
INT. TIMMINS HIGH - DAY
Bree and Kylah sit on a bench with Deven and Kelsey (wait a minute, Kelsey doesn't go to our school...) listening intently as they tell their story.
KYLAH: But all that matters is that Bree got to meet Seann William Scott in her own little way.
BREE: And that Kylah learned to culture herself... in her own little way.
KELSEY: Sounds like bull to me.
DEVEN: You just spend all of second period making that up, didn't you?
BREE: All that matters is that I've made the readers happy. You know, I think this really puts me up there with the greats.
CUT TO: INT. UNKNOWN PLACE, UNKNOWN TIME
But one thing we DO know, KATEY-KINZ, slightly older now, sits at her computer, with CURTIS ALMIGHTY on the screen.
KATEY-KINZ: What a piece of shit!
'Everywhere' - not the version by Michelle, but the punk cover by Yellowcard - plays as we pan out of the room.
ROLL CREDITS (as Everywhere continues)
CAST
Devon Sawa....................Alex Blah-ing
Rachel Caris Thompson.........Herself
Ali Larter....................Clear Beavers
Kerr Smith....................Carter McJackass
Bree Mantha...................Herself
Tina Whoever..................Herself
Jackie Whoever................Herself
Kylah Eide....................Herself
Seann William Scott...........Billy Hitchcockless
Tony Todd.....................William Bludworth
Kristen Cloke.................Ms. Valerie Lewton
Chad E. Donnella..............Tod Wanker
Daniel Roebuck................Agent Weiner
Roger Guvener Smith...........Agent Shrek the Oger
Amanda Detmer.................Terry Chaney
Keegan Connor Tracy...........Kat
Lisa Marie Caruk..............Christa Marsh
Christine Chatelain...........Blake Dreyer
Brendan Fehr..................George Wanker
A.J. Cook.....................Chimberly (voice)
Michael Landes................Officer Irritating
Kathy Najimay.................Ms. Lewton's Fat Friend
Michelle Branch...............Herself
Kelsey Eide...................Herself/The Potted Tree
Deven Kivioja.................Himself/The Podium
Daveigh Chase.................Samara
Northern Lights Dance Team....Chicago Dancers
Andrew Dan Jumbo..............Himself
Leslie Segretti...............Herself
DEDICATED TO SHAMU, BECAUSE SHAMU IS TALL.
Fade out music
CUT THROUGH HALF SCREEN while credits still roll.
Alex sits in a desk chair. He wheels his chair over to the VCR, snickers mischeviously, and removes the tape of 'Girls Gone Wild.' He pops it in the VCR.
We hear a strange humming noise. PAN AROUND.
It's the video from 'The Ring.'
ALEX: What the fuck?
BACK TO CREDITS
(FX)Phone Rings
This time, 'Makes No Difference' by Sum41 plays.
SOUNDTRACK LISTING
"The Hard Way"
Main Titles
Performed by BOWLING FOR SOUP
~
"Find Your Way Back"
Bree's discman music
Performed by MICHELLE BRANCH
~
"Rabbit Run"
Rachel's discman music
Performed by EMINEM
~
"The Look of Love"
Scene: 'The Midnight Snack.'
Performed by DIANA KRALL
~
"The Odd Couple" Theme
Rachel/Clear montage
Performed by NO ONE IN PARTICULAR
~
"Waterloo"
Rachel's brief 'missing days' thoughts
Performed by ABBA
~
"Hundred Grand"
Memorial song
Performed by PETE ATHERTON
~
"Insence and Peppermints"
Scene: 'Magic Purse'
Performed by STRAWBERRY ALARM CLOCK
~
"Time"
Kylah and Deven's song
Performed by CHANTEL KREVIAZUK
~
"Bad Reputation"
Scene: 'Clear's Angry Painting'
Performed by JOAN JETT
~
"And All That Jazz"
Scene: 'Jackie Gets Her Musical'
Performed by KYLAH EIDE
~
"Let's Get It On"
Scene: 'Stoned Morgue'
Performed by MARVIN GAYE
~
"La Grange"
Scene: 'The Rules'
Performed by ZZTOP
~
"All The Candles In The World"
Car song
Performed by JANE SIBBERY
~
"Cannonball"
The tree song
Performed by THE BREEDERS
~
"Juicy Fruit"
Scene: 'The Cabin'
Performed by KYLAH EIDE
~
"The Art Of Losing"
Gun montage
Performed by AMERICAN HI-FI
~
"Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"
Scene: 'Get These Mofos Home'
Performed by GOOD CHARLOTTE
~
"American Pie"
Outro
Performed by DON MACLEAN
~
"Everywhere"
Credits #1
Performed by YELLOWCARD
~
"Makes No Difference"
Credits #2
Performed by SUM41
~~~
The author grately acknowleges the hardworking employees of the Wal-Mart corporation, especially my dear brother, Andrew.
Your suffering fueled most of the humor in the story.
SPECIAL THANKS TO
277
HAWK
SPARKY
SPECIAL K
KELSEY AND DEVEN
DAILYSCRIPTS.COM for the FD script
SPECIAL FEATURE
Since Hawk did her 100 reasons why she hates Clear, I decided to do 25 reasons why I love Billy(it would have been more had he gotten more airtime).
1. When he smiles you can see all of his teeth.
2. His teeth are all all straight.
3. Despite his baggy clothing, he's really built.
4. I like his Hitchcock jersey.
5. He has TWO hats, one white, one dark blue. Now THAT'S preparing.
6. His bike rocks!
7. He says 'Dude' when he doesn't know what to say. I say dude!
8. He's a gentleman for 'not feeling up Tammy in the pool that time.'
9. He likes the Jets. Cool!
10. HE opened the door of the car, which got Alex and Clear out of the train's path of destruction. So he's a hero!
11. His death, despite being unfair, revealled the biggest step in Alex's plan.
12. He believed Alex.
13. He didn't treat Alex like a freak.
14. He loves his mommy.
15. I like the underdogs.
16. At the end, it was unfair that no one toasted him. I felt uber sorry for him.
17. He lipsincs along to Nine Inch Nails. Power to him!
18. After Final Destination Seann William Scott was seen in 'Dude, Where's My Car,' 'Road Trip,' 'Evolution,' 'American Pie 2,' 'Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,' 'Stark Raving Mad,' 'Old School,' 'Bulletproof Monk,' 'American Wedding,' and 'The Rundown.' Kerr Smith has only been seen in 3 movies and Dawson is now off the air.
19. He had the most facial hair of all the survivors (with the exception of Clear)
20. He was voted 'Favourite Character' on a fan site.
21. He was voted 'Funniest Character' on a fan site.
22. On Toby Holt's shrine the majority of poll takers thought he should have lived.
23. He isn't afraid to stand up to Carter.
24. He tried to take the wheel from Carter and save everyone when Carter was driving like a maniac.
25. Everyone loves the quote "CARTER YOU DICK!"