Disclaimer- haven't we already been through this, but just in case you forgot… I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER! Or any characters that you recognize. In truth I own nothing in this world but I would be forced to kill you if you stole my plot, Casey, Belinda, Brad or anyone else I forgot. So here we go again… Past's Gone By.
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I was quite excited that night, the first time in all 4 years, I didn't fall asleep until well past midnight. Belinda, Casey, and I stayed up talking. The other two girls in the room, Leah and Emily weren't too happy with us, but they eventually fell asleep, and I was way too hyper to sleep. We were chatting when Casey brought up James. I groaned, to which she laughed.
"Why won't you give the guy a chance?" She asked, making sure to keep her voice down.
"Cause he's a bastard and the only thing he wants is my body. He doesn't know me, doesn't care about my mind, and has no idea how to go about getting me." Casey smiled, and shook her head.
"You don't know him either. Maybe you should get to know him." I glared at her, with my, 'what the hell are you thinking' look.
"Why is it all of a sudden my job to get to know him. He's the one who wants to date me." She shrugged.
"All guys are the same." Belinda said from her bed, where she was lying on her stomach, reading the Daily Prophet. "That all they think about." Seeing Casey's face she added. "I mean, not Remus, well I don't really know Remus, but I'm not saying that he's a…" She trailed off at our laughter.
"I know." Casey reassured her. While I was thinking, 'you are completely right'. I didn't say that though, I wasn't sure how Casey would react. Instead I answered.
"Just stop talking Belly." I had taken to calling her that, as Belinda is far too long to say every time I talked to her. She pouted and returned to reading the paper in front of her.
"OWLS this year," That would be something I liked to call a 'random thought of the day'. As Casey said that she stared into the distance, not seeing anything here. I shrugged, not sure as to what I was supposed to say.
"Uh, I'm sorry?" I said it as a question, but it didn't matter because Casey was completely oblivious to anything going on around her. "Case? Hello?" Still not paying any attention to anything she muttered.
"I really hate Potions." Again not sure of what to say, I stayed silent, knowing Casey wouldn't notice. "Professor Labale has no idea what she's talking about." Considering Professor Labale is our Herbology teacher, I had a feeling something was wrong. When I glanced over at her I noticed that not only was she lying back into her pillows, her eyes were closed. She had fallen asleep. Apparently I wasn't as exciting as I liked to think.
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Casey and Remus visited just now. It's 7th year and they're still together, something that amazes us all. They were holding hands, and being all lovey-dovey, but as they saw me in the common room they immediately stopped, knowing I would tease them.
"So Remus is it true? That all guys are the same, and that's all they think about?" I still had what Belly had said on my mind. Remus looked uncomfortable, as if he'd rather be at the bottom of the ocean then here.
After a long awkward pause he answered slowly. "I don't think," Pause. "You can't classify all guys in one group." Another pause. "Because just like girls" he got a little more confident. "Every guy is different. And you can't just say we're all the same." Casey smiled, proud of her boyfriend for thinking that up all by himself. It's nice having a guy do anything you say, or even suggest. I speak from experience. The next day was quite entertaining, as I remember it. Oh yes, that was the day I first met Brad.
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I admit I had seen him around, but I had never gone through the trouble of getting to know him. He was a Slytherin, and you know as well as I that those aren't the best people. But I thought Brad was an exception. I should start at the beginning I guess.
That morning Casey, Belinda, and I were all quite tired after our late bedtime, but we managed to get up fairly early to take showers. Belinda got up around 6:30, she usually took the longest. Most would classify her as the girly-girl, and as I've said before she's the romantic also. Always looking for the 'perfect guy', and never finding him. And when I say perfect, I don't mean the perfect guy for her, I mean a guy that has no flaws. Have you ever found one of those, cause if you have, give him my number. Her hair always had to be completely right, not a strand out of place. When punctuality was important that kind of got on my nerves. But I always forgave her. She's extremely sweet, and hates it when people don't like her. Although she dressed preppy, she was far from a ditz. You know those girls who hang all over the 'popular guys' (aka James or Sirius) and are all giggly. Where they smile and say in a high pitched voice 'Oh my God, you are, so, totally right, like, I was just about to say that' and then some more giggling. Yah, those girls pissed me off. And of course they hated me because James liked me and not them. So why did I start talking about them, oh right, Belinda wasn't one of them. Neither was Casey thank God, or I could not have been able to stand her.
Casey was different, by not dressing exactly preppy, but more like 'I don't give a fuck what you care'. Kind of like me, except I'm going more for the 'you don't like me too bad' look, if that makes any sense. Which now that I think about it, it doesn't. But she really didn't care at all what others thought about her, I think that's what Remus likes about her so much. She can be nice, and never denies someone help on something, unless they're one of those giggly types. But they usually stay away from her too. She's an actor, and a good one at that Growing up in Muggle England she acted throughout her childhood, and still does in the summers when she goes home. Once she told me she acts every day, and that kind of got me thinking. You can never really trust someone who acts to be showing what they really think, because they might be acting. So then I started thinking that maybe she doesn't like me at all. But I got over that.
I'm the balance, between Belinda and Casey, not a prep but not a punk. I really don't know where I stand. I hate describing myself anyways. I never want to say I'm pretty, because I don't think I am, and I sound full of myself if I do, but I don't think I'm ugly either. I hope I'm nice, but what if I'm not and no one wants to tell me? I know I do have a temper, a really short temper. I always apologize after though.
I was exhausted that day, because of the night before, I almost fell asleep in my porridge. (Well part of the knocking over incident was just because I don't like porridge but I was tired.) As Casey, Belinda and Remus rattled on about how horrible our schedules were I had to put up with Sirius rambling on about his horrific summer. To my great disgust we had ended up sitting next to the Maraurders, (luckily though James was sitting on the other side of Sirius who was next to me, so I didn't even have to talk to him).
As Sirius started complaining about the time his brother turned his owl into a butterfly (which he can not stand for a reason unknown to me) I felt someone poke my shoulder. I turned around to see Leslie's smiling face. My eyes half closed I grinned.
"That guy, over there," She pointed toward the Slytherin table, "Has been staring at you this entire time." I raised my eye brows. She was sitting facing away from me, and the Slytherin table, with the rest of the Ravenclaws.
"You don't believe me," She accused, failing to sound hurt.
"Two things. One, why would some Slytherin guy be staring at me, and two how could you tell?" She grinned, knowingly.
"See the guy sitting next to him." I just looked at her, with my 'who the hell are you talking about?" look and she rolled her eyes in response. "The guy with light brown hair, about halfway down the table, next to the guy with black hair is the one who was staring at you. The guy with the black hair, is the one I was staring at." I tried to take this all in, as she continued talking.
"His name is Ben, he's got gorgeous blue eyes and the blackest hair in the world. He's the Slytherin keeper and has been since third year. At home he's in a band with 3 of his friends, he plays guitar and is the lead singer." As she paused for a breath I cut her off.
"There is no way I'm ever going to remember all that." She shrugged as though this was nothing unusual.
"Just my random facts." She smiled. "He of course doesn't know I exist." I smiled with what I hope was a comforting face.
"Sucks doesn't it? Well that's better than a guy you can't stand liking you."
She grinned. "You speak from experience?"
I nodded. "Too much." She laughed and understood. At that time it was well known that James had asked me out too many times to count, to some this made me a hero, I had denied the James Potter, but to those in James' fan club, I was competition. I didn't care either way what they though.
As we laughed James leaned over.
"Enjoying yourselves, ladies?" I groaned.
"We were," I answered. He chuckled (I swear, it was a chuckle).
"Well you sure know how to put a damper on a conversation." He used that cocky voice that he used through sixth year. I'm glad to say part of why he changed was me, but we'll get to that.
"What conversation?" Leslie asked. "We weren't talking to you."
"Well I know when I'm not wanted." He paused, not turning around. "This is where you convince me I was wrong." He whispered to us.
"But that would involve us wanting you to stay, and we don't." I pointed out the obvious.
"Ouch," Sirius said turning around. "That one hurt."
"I'll hurt you." I shot back, without turning to face him.
"You know what James," he said standing. "I think it's time for us to go." James stood and looking straight at me said:
"I'll talk to you later." I rolled my eyes.
"Can't wait." Sarcasm filled my voice as he smiled and walked away. As the two left Peter jumped up and scampered after them. When they were out of hearing distance Leslie burst out laughing as though she had been holding it in, which I'm sure she had been.
"That was great!" She panted. "His face!" Breath. "When you said." Another breath. "He wasn't wanted." More laughter, I joined in this time, remembering his expression.
As we laughed a second year sprinted across the Great Hall screaming. We paused to watch her as she ran. She left through the opposite door and the Great Hall was silent for a second before normal conversation returned.
"What was that?" Leslie asked.
"What is it ever?" I laughed and we together we answered.
"Madeline."
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There's not much more to say about breakfast. I first saw Brad, yah the guy that was staring at me. I was a little caution at first, he was a Slytherin. That day after classes though…
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"Lily." I turned at the sound of my name to find Brad (I didn't know his name yet though). Belinda turned with me, because she's nosing and wanted to see who it was. From her gasp I knew she agreed with my opinion. This guy was not hard on the eyes. To put it simply, he was hot. I stood grinning like an idiot for a moment before I answered.
"Yah?" I know, very cool.
"Can we talk?" Belinda stood next to me, completely missing the hint, until I jabbed her with my elbow.
"Uh, right. I've got to meet Casey and Remus. I'll see you at dinner, kay?" I nodded still grinning widely. As she walked off, watching me over her shoulder, she smiled and waved. I turned back to Brad.
"So listen," He started. "There's a Hogsmede day on Saturday." I smiled shyly and giggled (I admit, it was a giggle). "Yah, and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me. We could go to The Three Broomsticks, or just walk around, or whatever." I grinned, a guy had asked me out! I was excited.
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I won't lie, I got all happy and giggly around him. I admit I thought it was love. My stomach was always full of butterflies when I saw him and I couldn't talk. Everything I said was jumbled, around him I felt like an idiot, as though I wasn't good enough for him. I though that was love, when someone makes you feel privileged to be 'with' them. I wasn't love though, it wasn't even like.
I went to Hogsmede with him and we had a great time, or so I thought. But looking back at it I realize how much he used me. I was a toy, something he could lad along and play with. But I had no value to him, I wasn't important.
I should tell you about Hogsmede, but I won't. Partly because it's not essential but mostly because I'll start crying if I confess how, well, stupid I was. There's no other word, I was an idiot, following him around, letting him show me off.
He was my first boyfriend so I had nothing to compare it with. Our relationship lasted 3 ½ months, and a trivial time it was. We ate meals together, (always at the Slytherin table because he didn't like my friends), studied together (somehow his answers always resembled mine very closely), spent Saturdays together, went to Hogsmede together. I'm lucky Casey and Bel didn't give up on me. God knows every one else did. I think for a while even James thought I was gone for good.
For a time I sunk into myself, it was all an act. Even around Brad, especially around Brad. I wasn't myself. I lived in two different worlds, that of my peers and my own head. I drifted through classes, taking note, doing spells, I was the perfect student. But one teacher saw past my act.
Professor Jones, my charms teacher. She had been my favorite teacher for ever and before 5th year I always stayed after class to talk with her. She was the one person I could confide in.
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One day after class she called me up. As I picked up my bag and slumped to the front, she smiled softly and motioned for me to sit. I did and she sat on top of her desk.
She was young for a teacher, and had just started teaching my first year. I felt as though she was my older sister, so when she looked down at me and demanded:
"Spill." I reacted the same way I did with Casey and Belinda.
"Spill what?"
She rolled her eyes. "Don't play dumb with me. I know you, remember? This year I've hardly seen you smile once, last year I couldn't wipe the smile from your face despite how hard I tried." I sighed, debating whether to tell her or not. She jumped down and placed either hand on my shoulders, forcing me to look at her.
"I love you, and I would never do anything to hurt you. You know that, right?" It had been so long since someone had said those three words to me. Brad never did, and my parents had been acting differently since I got my letter. I felt tears well up in my eyes. "You are like my little sister, you are the only one I have left in this world, and I will not lose you to yourself." As she said this she pulled me into her arms hugging me tight she whispered. "And definitely not to Brad." I started crying then, not sobbing, just tears running down my face.
Somehow in what she had just said, she had managed to tell me what Casey and Belinda had tried and failed. I told her everything, how miserable I had been lately, how horrible Brad treated me, how I had been ditching my friends. When I said "Brad doesn't have to tell me he loves me, I know." She took my head in her hands and said:
"Honey, anyone who makes you this depressed doesn't deserve your love." We talked through dinner, only realizing it when the clock struck 7. She pulled me into her arms whispering: "You'll do the right thing." I sure hoped I would.
If someone had told me Brad wouldn't care if I broke up with him I would have laughed, but his reaction wasn't far off from that.
"Brad," I said as he stood up from dinner. "We're breaking up."
He stood for a moment trying to understand thing. "What?"
"We're breaking up." I repeated. As I turned away he asked calmly.
"Are you sure?"
I nodded firmly, "Yes."
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I've been writing into the night without realizing it. Belinda and Casey came up earlier. But as they fell asleep I continued to write, so involved in my own story. It's as if I'm living it all over again, I didn't know I remember all of it. It's been so long, well, more than 2 years, wait, yeah, 2 years and 3 days. I should have an anniversary of the day we broke up.
Christmas break started today and I spent the entire day writing. While everyone else was outside having snowball fights. So feel privileged! My parent are going to flip when I don't get off the trian, but I told Emily to tell them I was staying here.
I was going to, really, I had every intention of going home for the 3 weeks. But then I remembered Vernon, Petunia's fiancé, was going to be there. And to put it bluntly, the guys pisses me off.
Both he and Petunia are convinced that I'm not good enough to wipe their feet, which I would never do any way. Vernon doesn't know I'm abnormal (as Petunia likes to say) yet. He'll be told soon enough.
So what was I talking about, oh right, Christmas break. I was going to bring James home, to meet them, but let's face it. James, well, he's a wizard, through and through. There's no way he'd be able to last 3 weeks in a muggle home. Maybe I'll bring him home for part of the summer. Who knows?
Wow this has nothing to do with anything, except now it's only Casey, Belinda, and I in our dorm. The other three girls are nice and everything, but it's great to be just the three of us, well and the Marauders. But instead I chose to stay up here. So you better feel lucky, whoever you are that's reading this. I'm having fun though, so don't feel too bad.
I need to go shopping tomorrow, I still don't have a Christmas present for James. What do you get a guy for Christmas? Girls are easy to shop for, jewelry, or trinkets, or chocolates, but what can you get a guy? A shirt, boring, a book, come on. You can't get him a necklace, or a bracelet, and I'm pretty sure James doesn't want a trinket. Which leaves candy. And that's not very personal.
Ha, you know what I just remembered, after Bel and Case, James is going to read this. Well he'll get a kick out of it. Maybe even give me ideas for next year. This is the first time I've had to get something for James. Last year we weren't going out. Just sort of getting together. What can I say, I was stubborn. Oh well, we'll get there soon enough. Wow, I have to write a lot.
I'm going down stairs to the kitchen, I'm starved. I just hope the House Elves aren't asleep. Have you ever though about that? If House Elves sleep? I mean they must right? Well I'll find out.
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A/N- Sorry it took so long, but you'd be surprised how much homework I've had lately. So I've started writing during class, but then I have to type it all up, which takes twice as long, reading my handwriting. But I got it up. We had a soccer game today and WE WON! 6-2 so I'm in a good mood. And now this is going up. So don't kill me if the next one takes a while. I'll try. So what did you think? Good, bad, horrible? REVIEW and tell me.
-Gretch