Note: See Part 1 for all pertinent info and the disclaimer.



Part 2

Monday, November 3, 2003
Cottage

Jessica Buchanan rearranged the flowers in the vase that was placed on the table in the foyer. She glanced at her sister who was seated in the living room, skimming through the day's edition of The Banner. Sounding casual, she began, "So, I guess you've heard about that woman that was found murdered. Isn't it horrible?"

Natalie didn't look up, "Yeah."

She continued, cautiously, hoping not to upset her sister with the information that John McBain wasn't leaving Llanview just yet, "They think it might be a serial killer. The MO's the same as some guy who killed three people in New Jersey already. Uncle Bo said that the FBI's investigating too to see if it's the same guy or a copy cat or just a really weird coincidence."

Natalie had stopped reading the paper and looked up as soon as Jessica had mentioned New Jersey. She mumbled, "That's his case."

Jessica looked at her, "Did you say something?"

"That's John McBain's new case."

She eyed her curiously, "How did you know that?"

"He told me. I guess he was trying to be courteous or whatever when he came over yesterday evening to let me know that he was staying in town."

Jessica furrowed her brow, "You talked to him?"

"It wasn't a civil conversation. It was like him saying, 'Hey, sorry I got your husband killed but I've got some more bad news for you. I know you hate me and are really looking forward to my leaving town but it seems that the case I was transferred to has moved here so I'll be sticking around for a bit and making your life a little more miserable than it already is.' And then I yelled at him a lot."

"You still blame him?" Jessica asked as she stepped into the living room.

Natalie tone became defensive, "Of course, I still blame him. I'm always going to blame him. I will always hate him. It's his fault Cristian's dead."

"Oh, you have every right to blame him and to be mad at him -- furious even. I mean, I'm mad at him. He is responsible for getting you involved in that mess with Flynn." Jessica hesitated, "But he didn't kill Cristian."

"He might as well have."

Jessica chewed on her bottom lip, "Natalie, are you sure that maybe some of your anger towards John McBain isn't misplaced? I mean, it wouldn't be the first time you've placed blame on someone who didn't deserve it."

Natalie glared at her, "Exactly what is that supposed to mean?"

"Um…" Jessica didn't want to cause any tension between herself and her sister but she just couldn't seem to say the right thing to ease Natalie's anger. She was beginning to regret bringing any of this up. "You remember last winter after Mitch and Grandpa Victor tried to cut your heart out and you shut mom out? Well, not just mom, all of us, but you kept saying that mom would choose me over you and I think some of that was you being mad at dad because he hadn't been there for you and hadn't acknowledged you and wasn't around so you took it out on her. And maybe because you felt unwanted because Grandpa Victor wanted my heart and not yours."

"Thank you for reminding me of what a self-centered bitch I am. No wonder you're the golden child," Natalie said bitterly, getting up and walking into the foyer.

Jessica followed her, "No, Natalie, that's not what I meant. I meant," she paused, trying to find the right way to explain herself. "Back then, you were mad at dad but he wasn't around for you to take your anger out on him or you were mad because Grandpa Victor didn't want your heart, so you did the next best thing and took your anger out on mom because she was here and because she did want you. It sort of drudged up all those old bad feelings for you."

Natalie folded her arms across her chest, "Okay, going with this theory of yours, who should I be directing my anger and hatred at if not John McBain?"

"Cristian," Jessica said timidly.

"What?" Natalie exclaimed. "Cristian's dead and you think that I should be mad at him?"

"No! No, I think that deep down inside you blame him for leaving you but you don't want to. That no matter how much you love him, you hate him for dying and leaving you alone. But, you can't take it out on him because he is dead. And that's why you blame John. Because it's easy. It's convenient. And he's here. He's still alive."

Natalie shook her head, "How can you say that? How can you even think that I blame Cristian? Or that I -- that I could hate him? It's not like Cristian was trying to get himself killed --"

"Well…" Jessica trailed off.

"What?"

"I'm not saying that he was trying to get himself killed but he knew that the situation was dangerous and he still barged into the cabin to save you --"

"Wait -- are you saying that it's my fault that Cris is dead?"

Jessica pouted, "Natalie, you know that's not what I'm saying at all." She stumbled over her words, "Maybe if Cristian had just done what John McBain had said, if he'd stayed out of the way --"

"If John McBain hadn't gotten us involved in the first place and kept us in the dark about what was really going on, Cristian wouldn't have been in the way."

There was a determination in Natalie's tone that made Jessica drop the subject. She only wanted to help her sister talk things out so that she could begin to cope with her loss. "I'm sorry. You're going through so much right now. You're grieving; you probably really don't want to talk about what-ifs and maybes."

"No, I don't." Natalie's eyes and tone softened, "So, how are things with Antonio?"

"They're great. You know, I bet mom's lonely at Llanfair. All by herself."

"I'm not moving out, Jess. Not now, not ever." She let her eyes roam around the room, "This place, everything in it, it's me and Cristian -- only me and Cristian. The loft was him and Jen. The apartment was Antonio's long before it was ours for the short time we lived there. The carriage house -- the carriage house was just tainted; me and Seth, Jen and Al, Jen and Cristian. Llanfair…that was you and Cristian. But this place, this is our place. No one else's. It's our memories, our love, and our life together. It's us."

"Okay," Jessica said simply. "Are you still staying in the apartment upstairs?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Jessica shrugged, "I don't know. I guess I just assumed that maybe you'd stay in one of the rooms here in the main part of the house until you finished mourning."

Natalie cocked her head to the side, wondering if such a thing was possible, "Do you really think they'll come a time when I won't mourn Cristian's death?"

Jessica's mouth hung open slightly. "Um, well…" She sighed. "Honestly? No. You and Cristian were so in love. What you two had was true love. I really think that you two were the loves of each other's lives. Losing the love of your life -- it's probably just as hard to accept and deal with as the loss of a child."

Natalie inhaled, "Your baby?"

Jessica gave her a small sad smile, "My daughter, Megan. Everybody deals with their pain and grief a different way. For me, it was just easier to block it all out. I didn't remember being pregnant or ever being in love with…"

"Cristian?"

"Yeah. I even terrorized Dorian. Anyway, I eventually remembered everything and I dealt with Megan's death but the pain's still here," she said, pressing a hand to her chest. "It's always going to be here. And I don't think that there'll ever come a day when I don't think about Megan and try to picture what she'd look like now -- even after I have more children, I don't think that I'll ever stop thinking about her or loving her everyday. And I don't think that you're ever going to stop thinking about Cristian or loving him or missing him. Even if one day you meet someone else. Someone who manages to fight and win his way into your heart. You're never going to let go of Cristian. You're never going to forget."

Natalie gazed down at her hands and began twisting the gold bands adorning her left ring finger, "That's never going to happen, you know?" She glanced up at her sister, "There's not enough room for another man in my heart. There never will be. It'll always be Cristian."

Jessica crossed the room and took her twin's hands in her own, "You don't know that. It might be a long time -- a very, very long time -- before you're ready to let another man anywhere near your heart, but that day will come." A smile spread across her lips, "It's come for mom a few times."

Natalie smiled in spite of herself.

Jessica pulled her into a hug, "You'll get through this. I know you will. It just takes time."