Note: See Part 1 for all pertinent info and the disclaimer.



Part 5

Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Llanfair

After listening to her mother, Victoria Lord Davidson, and her mother-in-law, Carlotta Vega, make the arrangements for Cristian's memorial service, Natalie wandered into the kitchen and sat down at the table, completely oblivious to her brother Joseph Buchanan standing at the counter by the stove.

Joe stepped out of the corner, "Hey, you hungry?" He gestured at a platter on the counter, "I just finished making some sandwiches."

Natalie looked up at him, surprise registering on her face for a split second, "No. I'm not hungry."

"That seems to be your answer every time I ask you." He grabbed a clean plate and took one of the sandwiches off of the platter and put it on the plate. He walked over to the table and placed the plate in front of her, "Well, every time anyone asks you." He sat down, ignoring the fact that she cut her eyes at him, "And, yes, I've been asking around. You need to eat."

"I'm not hungry," she repeated, folding her arms across her chest and fixing her eyes on the wall.

"One sandwich, that's all I'm asking." Joey sat forward and pushed the plate closer to her. "Come on, when was the last time you ate?"

Natalie blinked and looked at him. She rolled her eyes as she tore off a small piece of the sandwich and stuffed it in her mouth. After chewing and swallowing, "Happy?"

Joey sat back, "Not yet. But that's a start."

"Are you going to sit here and watch me eat the whole thing?"

"Yes."

"Fine," Natalie huffed, pulling off another small section of the sandwich.

The kettle on the stove whistled and Joey got up and went to the stove. He prepared two cups of tea then brought them over to the table, placing one by the plate in front of Natalie. He sat back down and watched in silence as his sister slowly consumed the rest of the sandwich, both occasionally taking sips of their tea.

Natalie pushed the plate away and stared into her tea. Her stomach flip flopped and grumbled, disturbed by the foreign presence of food yet hungry for more. After several flip flops, her stomach lurched and she ran to the bathroom. She emerged a minute later.

Joey had pulled out his bible. "Feel better?"

She leaned against the wall, "Not really."

"So, I talked to this guy who specializes in grief counseling --"

She pushed herself off the wall and walked toward the door, "I'm really not in the mood for any motivational speeches right now, Joe, so if you don't mind --"

He closed the bible. "You're having a tough time dealing with this, I understand. You just lost your husband. Losing the person you planned to spend the rest of your life with -- it's absolutely heartbreaking. And people deal with their pain differently. When I lost Kelly --"

Natalie looked at him, outraged, "What? You and Kelly got a divorce! Yeah, Kelly's married to someone else, as are you, but Kelly is still alive. Cristian isn't. You can still see Kelly. You can still talk to her. You can still touch her." Her voice began to tremble, "I will never ever be able to see or talk to or touch my husband ever again. He's gone! He's dead!"

Joey stood and walked over to her, "Okay, bad example, I'm sorry. I just -- I want to help you, Natalie."

She calmed, "I know. I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"Don't be! Whatever you've feeling, let it out, let it all out. Having an outlet, it's good. But be careful not to…"

"Not to what?"

Joey sighed, "Not to go too far with it. Jen said that you hit her the other night."

Natalie took a step away from him, "Jen was asking for it. She accused me of being unfaithful to Cristian."

"What? Before he died? Why would Jen th --"

"No, now."

Joey looked taken aback. "Natalie…"

"I know, he's dead. But that doesn't mean that I don't love him anymore and it doesn't mean that I'm going to move on." She walked over to the staircase and leaned against the banister. She looked at Joey, "How do you move on when the one person you love more than life itself is taken from you? How do you accept that you'll never see them again?"

"But you will." Joey picked his bible back up, "You have to trust that one day, after you have lived your life, that when it's your time -- when you die -- that you and Cris will be reunited."

"And what if I don't want to wait that long?"

Joey was startled by her cryptic tone. He crossed the room and took her by the shoulders, "Natalie, you can't give up hope. You can't give up on life. You have to believe. You have to have faith that things will get better. No matter how dark and dismal things -- life -- may seem now, there will come the day that you're going to wake up and the sun will be shining and you're going to take a deep breath and realize that your heart doesn't feel nearly as heavy as it is does now. It won't be as hard or as painful to smile. It'll be easier to laugh. You'll feel good. But most of all, you'll feel alive."

Natalie glanced away, "They teach you all that babble in seminary school?"

"Some of it. But most of it came from the heart."

She looked at him, "You don't know what I'm going through and you don't know what I'm feeling. I know you mean well and that you want to help but you can't. Because you don't know."

Joey backed away, "Well maybe you should talk to someone who knows exactly what you're going through and everything you're feeling -- Mom."

"Has anyone considered that maybe I don't want to talk?" she snapped. "That for right now I just want to be alone with my feelings?"

He shrugged, "Then why do you come around? Why do you lash out?"

"Because it's easier to be angry and if I don't come around then everyone will be trying to break down the door at the cottage to check on me and I won't get a minute's peace!" Natalie yelled. Her features softened as she took a deep breath then let it out. "It's easier to be angry. And it's easier to be alone."

"Is it?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"What? Trying to get through to you so that I can help you?"

"Yes."

Joey slumped down in a chair. "Maybe I feel a little guilty for not being around for you during the whole Mitch fiasco. Or before with Niki Smith. Or at all."

Natalie bit her bottom lip and stared out the window.

He quickly added, "But mostly it's because I care about you. You are my sister and I love you. Yes, I regret not having supported you in the past -- after I first found out about you and when I was dealing with my own pain. And I regret not being able to make any of the pain you felt then easier to bear."

"Better late than never, huh?"

"Better to have tried than to have stood idly by."

Natalie looked at him, "I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready for everyone to 'help' me through this. Can you accept that? Can you just let me be for now? I ate the sandwich like you asked."

Joey nodded, "Sure. If that's what you want."

"Thank you." Natalie turned and left through the kitchen door.