Note: See Part 1 for all pertinent info and the disclaimer.
Part 6
Friday, November 14, 2003
Llanfair
The memorial service for Cristian Vega took place at eleven that morning at St. Jude's Church. Afterwards, a parade of family, friends, and other visitors made their way to and through the mansion to offer their condolences -- again.
"I am truly sorry for your loss, Natalie. I, myself, have endured the status of widowhood and the anguish that accompanies it a few times," Dorian Cramer Lord paused and sniffled dramatically as she gazed at nothing in the library, "Losing the man you loved.… The pain never really goes away. Not completely. And neither do the memories." She looked at Natalie, "Remember that. Remember the good times you had with your beloved Cristian. Hold on to them, cherish them. They are all you have left now."
Like I really need another reminder.
It took everything in her for Natalie not to roll her eyes or snap at the older woman but to nod her head wordlessly.
"If you'll excuse me, I really should say a few words to Carlotta. She must be having as terrible a time dealing with Cristian's death as you are. If not more so." And with that, Dorian sauntered across the room toward Carlotta.
Natalie was heading over to get something to drink when her path was intercepted by Rae Cummings.
Great.
"Natalie, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know that you are going through a terrible ordeal. The loss that you've suffered…" Rae trailed off, shaking her head sadly. "I just want you know that my door is always open if you ever need to talk."
Natalie quirked an eyebrow, "No offense, Dr. Cummings, I know that you actually have a degree and a license now, but you are one of the last people I'd talk to about what I'm going through."
Rae frowned, "Okay. I understand that after that incident with Niki Smith last year that maybe I'm not someone you trust all that much. Well, I can always refer you to one of my associates. You just let me know --"
"Yeah, I'll do that," Natalie said, her tone dismissive.
She watched Rae skulk away. She hadn't meant to be rude but what had Dr. Cummings been thinking? Like I'd want to confide in or receive advice from the woman who unleashed Niki Smith on me.
Roxy came up behind Natalie and draped an arm around her, "Hey, baby, how are you holding up?"
"I'm holding."
"You know, practically half the town shut down today so that people could be here."
"Yeah, I know."
"Cristian was a good guy. And he was a great artist. A lot of people are gonna miss him. That's why they're here. To pay their respects."
When Natalie didn't respond, Roxy took her silence as an indication to leave her be so she did.
As the sun began to set outside, Natalie stood by a closed set of French doors, winding a rosary around her fingers, thinking about that morning.
"I want you to have this," Carlotta said shortly before the service began as she pressed the rosary into Natalie's open hand. "It was Cristian's first rosary. You should have it. I want you to have it."
Natalie looked at the rosary laying in her palm then back up at her mother-in-law, "I can't -- you should keep this."
Carlotta shook her head, "No." She placed her hand over Natalie's and closed her fingers around the rosary as she started to cry, "I have my faith. You, you have Cristian's."
Natalie's eyes began to tear up and she nodded her head.
Carlotta embraced her and whispered into her ear, "We will make it through this, mi hija. God has a plan. He has a plan for all of us. We must always believe that." She stood back and looked at her daughter-in-law, "Bendicen los que están de luto, porque los comforter," then gave her a kiss on the cheek.
Natalie felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see her grandfather, Asa Buchanan, standing next to her.
"Natalie."
"Grandpa."
"Your Pa's sorry that he couldn't make it. But he'll drop in for a visit as soon as he gets a chance."
She looked down, closing her hand and squeezing the rosary, "Yeah."
Asa moved his hand under her chin and tilted her head up so that she was looking him in the eye, "You are a Buchanan and Buchanans always bounce back. Always. There is nothing in this world that we can't conquer." His hand dropped back to her shoulder, "You are gonna get through this just fine. We'll make sure that you do."
Natalie was just as surprised as she was touched by her grandfather's words of support. The odd thing was that she wanted to hug him, she did, but that she couldn't bring herself to do it. She knew that if she did she'd start bawling and then she'd have to put up with everyone trying to console her and that just wasn't what she wanted. So instead she nodded her head like she had so many times already that afternoon and blinked back the tears.
Natalie caught a glimpse of something moving out on the terrace out of the corner of her eye and turned her head.
Her brother-in-law Antonio Vega stepped inside and gave her a reassuring smile as he walked past her to join his mother and her sister by the fireplace.
She watched him lean over and whisper something in Carlotta's ear. Carlotta looked up and seemed to peer outside then smile graciously and nod her head in acknowledgment.
Curious, Natalie turned around and walked out onto the terrace in time to John's retreating figure about to walk around the corner of the house. "Trying to make a clean get away?"
He stopped and turned around, "I just wanted to pay my respects."
"Which is why you were lurking around in the bushes?" she asked sarcastically.
"I didn't think I'd be too welcome inside."
"You got that part right."
He sighed. "I know that you're always going to blame me for what happened -- hey, I blame myself -- but you have to know that I am sorry. For everything."
Her eyes blazed, "I swear, if you tell me you're sorry one more time, I'm not going to be held accountable for my actions. Your being sorry doesn't help. And it doesn't matter, okay? 'Sorry' doesn't bring Cristian back. It won't. It can't. So just stop telling me that you're sorry!" She was on the verge of tears.
"Okay." He paused for a moment. "I'll leave now."
Natalie sniffled. "You do that."
She watched him walk away then took a deep breath and closed her eyes. I will not break down. I will not break down. I will not break down.
She exhaled and opened her eyes. She stepped closer to the edge of the terrace towards the garden and sighed. She walked deeper into the garden and began to remember.
She had been ready to run away from him -- trying to -- as they'd stood in the garden on that night in July.
"I have to handle this on my own," she had insisted. "You know, in fact, we should say goodbye now. I want you to go."
He had shaken his head, "I'm not going anywhere."
"Cris, please. This is hard enough as it is."
"Natalie, I'm --"
"You are the best thing that ever happened to me!"
He had made no attempt to leave so she'd begun to walk away then she'd stopped, her emotions in a jumble. He'd quickly walked over to her, "I'm not going to leave you alone with this. Natalie, I'm going to be with you, okay? I'm going to help you."
She'd wanted to believe that he could help her. That everything would turn out all right. That he'd still be there for her when it was all over. But she knew that he wouldn't be with her. He would be with --
It had been a shock to her entire system. He'd taken her face in his hands and kissed her. Dear God, he was kissing her. And she was melting.
She had wanted the rest of the entire world to just fade away. She had wanted the kiss to last forever. The moment. She had wanted to believe that it meant something to him. But then he'd pulled away. And apologized.
Natalie sighed. If only they hadn't spent so much time fighting their feelings and dancing around in circles. If she'd known then that he did want to be with her. Maybe things would be different. Maybe they would've been able to be together so much sooner. Maybe Cristian would still be alive.
Natalie looked up at the sky, searching for a star. Either it was too early for any to be visible or it was too cloudy. She continued to gaze up at the heavens, "Where are you now, Cristian? You said you weren't going anywhere. Where are you now? I need you now."
The only response she received was the wind, causing her to shiver. She sighed and headed back for the house and found her sister-in-law Kelly Cramer Buchanan standing on the terrace.
Kelly smiled, "Hey, where've you been?"
"I needed to get some air."
"Oh, I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, Natalie. And the way you're staying so strong. I just know that I'd be absolutely beside myself if anything ever happened to Kevin. I don't know how you do it," Kelly marveled.
"One day at a time, right? Just like everything else." Natalie was grateful that at least Kelly wasn't trying compare any pain she'd felt with what she was feeling now. She walked past Kelly back inside the mansion and ran into her brother, Kevin.
"Natalie, I am so sorry that I haven't been around much. With elections and everything -- you understand."
Not really but whatever.
"Uh huh."
"You know, Cristian quit working for me just before your final game. I'd asked him to do a job for me. It seems so insignificant now. He'd said that you were more important. He was right." Kevin stepped closer to her and hugged her. "He truly loved you."
Natalie didn't really know what to say so she just said, "Thanks."
Kevin nodded his head and stepped aside.
Natalie looked at all of the people in the room. She took a long deep breath. I can do this. I can do this.
Her Uncle Bo made his way over to her. He gave her a sympathetic look. "You don't have to say anything to me. I just want you to know, anytime you need me, I'm here."
Natalie smiled, "Thank you."
"Anytime, Natalie. I mean that." He gave her a kiss on the cheek and gently squeezed her hand.
See, I can handle this, she thought as she slowly made her way towards her mother. As she passed by Joe, she overheard his mother-in-law, Lindsay Rappaport say to him, "It was a very nice service. I thought you did a wonderful job."
Natalie froze. It was a very nice service? Is there something nice about my husband being dead? Because if he wasn't dead, there wouldn't have been any service, nice or otherwise. But he is. Cristian is dead. Cristian is dead.
She blinked and glanced around the room. He's dead and that's why all of these people are here. I have to get out of here.
Natalie blinked again as her eyes were filling with tears. She turned around and briskly walked out of the library, brushing past several people. She had to get away. She had to. She was practically running, blindly through the house until she found herself in the sun room and she collapsed in a wicker chair.
It hadn't exactly been a conscious decision to go there but it made some sense. When people realized she was missing, the first places they would check would be her old room, the kitchen, and outside. It would provide her with several more minutes of peace before a member of the well-meaning search party that was sure to form would find her there.
Natalie felt the tears beginning to slide down her cheeks. I just need a few minutes to myself and I'll be alright. I'll be fine. Because I can do this. And I will. I just need a few minutes. A little time to breathe right now is just what I ne --
No, what I need is Cristian. I need him to be here with me. I need for this not to be happening. Why is this happening?
Natalie didn't notice the sob that had escaped or that the speed at which her tears were slipping free was increasing.
She heard her mother's voice from the hall, "Natalie, darling?"
Natalie sniffled and called, "I'm in here."
Viki entered the room, "I was getting worried about you." Although Natalie's head was down, it didn't take long for her to see that her daughter was crying. "Oh, sweetheart." She pulled a chair closer to Natalie's and sat down. She placed her hand on Natalie's arm, "Darling, do you want to talk?"
She looked up at Viki and shook her head, "Mom, I couldn't stay in there with all those people. If I hear one more person commenting on how nice the service was, I'm going to scream. There is nothing nice about the fact that Cristian is dead. And if anyone else tells me how sorry they are, I think I'm going to start pulling my hair out. Why do people do that anyway? And it's not like they really mean it. They do but they don't. It's not like anyone's glad that I lost Cristian. That he's dead. So why does everyone keep telling me how sorry they are? They can't change what happened. And you're sorry when you regret something. What do they regret exactly? The fact that Cristian's dead? That they didn't get to know him better? That they ever wished for some misfortune to befall either one of us?"
"They don't know what else to say. They have no idea what you're feeling but they feel like they should say something, anything really, in hopes that it may help you feel better."
The tears steadily rolled down her face, "But nothing anyone says is going to help. Nothing anyone says is going to make my life any better or make any of this easier to bear. Unless it's that a mistake was made and that Cristian is really alive and he's coming home to me. That's the only thing. But that's not going to happen, is it?"
Viki sniffled and swallowed. "No, sweetheart, I don't think it will."
Natalie stood and began to pace, "Why did this happen to me? What did I do so wrong that this had to happen? Was I too happy? Is that it? Does God just not want me to be happy? Did he look down and say, 'Gee, that Natalie Buchanan is way too happy and I don't think she's suffered enough. Let me take her husband from her. That'll teach her.' Lord knows I was never happy when I was growing up. I thought I'd been happy with Seth. I thought that finding my real family and getting what was rightfully mine would make me happy. But I was never truly happy until I met Cristian. When he told me that he was in love with me last year -- I don't remember ever having felt as -- God, I can't even describe it -- but just that feeling at that moment…. I could have died happy. I had never felt anything like I did at that moment. And then when we first made love, I felt so warm inside. I felt whole. I knew that he completed me. I knew that we were meant to be together forever. And when he proposed…knowing that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me…. I have never been as happy as I was when Cristian and I got married. And now I'll never be that happy again. I'll never be anywhere near that happy. I'll have nothing to compare it to. There won't be any moments to rival it."
Natalie sucked in a breath, "We're never going to have children. I'll never have Cristian's children. He's never going to be a father. We'll never have a family. All of our dreams, the plans we'd made, they're gone."
Viki felt her composure slipping as her daughter continued.
"WHY THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?" Natalie flung the rosary she'd been clutching in her hand across the room. It flew through a window; the glass shattered. "Why? I just -- I want to know why."
Viki stood and stepped closer to Natalie.
She began to tremble, "It's not fair. It's not fair. And it's wrong. It's just so wrong. Cristian should not be dead. He should be here. He should be right here with me. And we should be happy. And this shouldn't be happening. I don't -- I don't understand. I hate this. I HATE IT! And I'm so angry. I am just so…pissed at him."
"Who, honey? John McBain?"
Natalie's red eyes widened as she faced her mother, "Cristian. I am so pissed off at him. I don't -- I can't stand the thought of being mad at him but I am. Oh, God, I am so livid with Cristian. And I shouldn't be. But -- he left me. He left me. And he was supposed to love me enough that he would never leave. Nothing was supposed to be able to take him away from me or to keep him away. Maybe he lied about how much he loved me."
Viki reached out for her, "Oh no, Natalie, honey, that's not true. Cristian loved you so much -- more than anyone else in this world -- and you know that. You know that. He gave his life so that you would be safe. So that you would live. That's how much he loved you."
Natalie's eyes and voice became distant, "I never asked him to help me or protect me or save me. But he always did. He always wanted to. I didn't ask him to save me. I didn't want him to save me. I knew he'd try to because that's what he always does. But he wasn't supposed to sacrifice his life for me. He wasn't supposed to do that. He wasn't supposed to be such a good guy that he'd rescue the man who'd kidnapped me, threatened my life, and had ordered someone to kill him. He wasn't supposed to do that. He shouldn't have done that. He should've just let Flynn drown. Why did he have to save him? Why couldn't he have let Flynn die? Why couldn't he have just let the FBI handle things? Everything would be different. Cristian wouldn't be dead. And I wouldn't feel this way. I hate feeling this way. I feel so cold and alone. And I hate that. And I wouldn't feel this way if Cristian was still here. But he's not. He's dead. He's dead. Cristian is dead."
Natalie stared at the palm of her hand, the one she'd held the rosary in. The imprints of the beads and the crucifix still deeply etched in her skin along with a few drops of blood from her nails digging into her skin. Blood. I'm bleeding. Cristian will never bleed again. Because he's dead. He's dead. Her breathing became hitched, "Cristian's dead. Cristian is dead. Mom, Cristian's dead."
Viki nodded, crying, "Yes, baby."
Natalie shook her head, a fresh batch of tears ready to spill; her voice was frantic, "No, Mom, you don't understand. He's dead. And he's never coming back. I'm never going to be with him again. We're not going to be together. Because he's gone. Cristian's gone. Cristian's dead. Oh my God, Cristian's dead," she wailed as she crumbled to the floor.
Viki kneeled down beside her and gathered her in her arms, "It's okay, baby."
"No it's not! It's not ever going to be okay. Cristian is dead. There's nothing okay with that! I'm never going to be okay!" She let out a sob. "I can't do this, Mom. I can not do this. I thought I could but I can't. I can't. I just can't --" another sob choked out, followed by another, and Natalie finally gave herself over to all the tears she had refused to let herself cry as she clung to her mother.
"That's right, baby. Just let it out. Let it all out," Viki soothed, stroking Natalie's hair as she rocked her back and forth.
Note: The bit in Spanish is one of The Beatitudes. Translation (the Spanish was courtesy of AltaVista's Babel Fish Translation Service so if it's off it's not my fault, I only took one semester of Spanish and that was years ago): Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. And the dialogue from the Crisalie flashback was from the July 15, 2002 episode.